Contributor, RPG Superstar
aka Leandra Christine Schneider
|
Behold the fallen kings
And watch the fruit their guilt now brings
Seven smitten they shall be
Rest in arms of vengeful mothers
On darkest wings they bring our brothers
Six and a million tears we cry
Forge father’s fury, wildfire force
They shall know no remorse
Five furnaces bright, call the dead to war
On iniquity and hate the beast will feast
To sate the hunger of ages past
Four they have sent, better repent
Mirth and prosperity lost
Tossed into battle, too high the cost
Three pleasures taken the stones shall awaken
No clergy to guard the halls
Faith will break thy walls
Two tribes, one strife
None will survive
~ Soot smearing on a wall in Glimmerhold and inscription on the equiangular aventurine tablet in the stone-scribe library
This module will set the heroes against the gods’ blind wrath in defence of a dwarven city-kingdom. During the course of the adventure the PCs will cross swords with dwarvish valkyries, fight giants freed from the underworld, unravel an ancient secret, and explore a remote monastery.
What starts as a casual dungeon crawl, will turn into a frantic pandemonium as the monastery is imbued with divine life to wage war on the city the heroes might choose to protect or even aid to destroy.
Ultimately, the PCs get the chance to slay not one, but three kings in attempt to end this madness and write the final lines of an ancient tragedy.
This adventure is intended for characters of 10th-level and will yield enough experience to advance them to 11th-level or even half-way to 12th-level.
More than a century ago, Ezelgar, prince of Glimmerhold and heir to the throne, faced a grave peril. Dwarven tradition compelled him to challenge Angrammora, a voracious green dragon and larcener of the Bloodflame Ring, a prized dwarven heirloom.
Inexperienced and alone his fate was doomed, but instead of bleeding to oblivion from the battle’s wounds, he was offered a bargain. The abominable derro from the Mistbreather Clan found him and proposed to defeat the dragon in exchange for the right to live among the halls of Glimmerhold.
The prince accepted and the dragon was slain, but the gods punished Ezelgar for this sacrilege. They took his heart and marked him an outcast to be shunned by all. Mad with pain, guilt and limitless ambition, he sought help and found it in Forgepriestess Helrún, who he knew loved him even more than she loved her faith. Together they created two dream distilled counterparts of the prince’s former self and disguised them so they could take Ezelgar’s place as king.
Afraid that this deceit could be uncovered, the cursed prince committed a final atrocity. In cold blood, he murdered all of the monastery’s inhabitants and uttered a stone shape spell to meld Helrún into the building’s walls. Even in the depths of his depravity he could not take her life.
Now, many years later, King Ezelgar’s secret replicas rule a kingdom that became home to many sadistic derro. Slavery and oppression fester beyond a veil of prosperity and deep in the lake surrounding the city, the derro raised Angrammora’s offspring, a half-dragon kraken, to ensure that it stays that way.
But change is about to come. Throughout the years, Helrún survived on faith alone and through prayer and utter devotion she redeemed herself. The gods have chosen to make her the instrument of sinful Glimmerhold’s destruction and if she is not stopped, her scourges will not spare a single soul.
Act 1:
At the start of the adventure the heroes travel to the dwarven city of Glimmerhold. A hook is provided by the high valued items produced there, or by a dwarven cleric and affiliate of the cities underworld.
Glimmerhold (LE; pop. 11,200; 60% dwarves, 30% derro, 5% human, 5% other)
Towering at the centre of an artificial lake, this city is an astounding construction and prove of unparalleled dwarven craftsmanship. Hewn and carved into a colossal quadrangular basalt pillar, the many layered settlement is accessible via four massive steel bridges spanning the roughly circular basin that is bordered by the dammed up Gjurn river. The outside of the pillar is completely smooth and polished, mirroring sky, lake and landscape. Tales tell that the midsummer sun’s reflection blinds those travellers who are unable to avert their eyes from the building’s majestic beauty.
Layout: The cities topmost levels are dedicated to forge work and restricted to inhabitants of Glimmerhold. The exhaust from hundreds of ever-hot workshops is vented through chimneys at the pillars top, crowning the building with a halo of whirling smoke. Living takes place on the stories below the lake’s water level while the middle of the city is dedicated to trade, guests and official institutions including the king’s halls.
People: Whereas the derro mercilessly abuse their supreme social position, the dwarven people of Glimmerhold are law-abiding, frightened and either collaborating or doomed to slavery. This social injustice is hidden from the eyes of casual visitors but obvious to anyone probing deeper. Also, the lack of clergy within the city is evident.
Location: In Varisia, this city could be located at the rim of the Mindspin Mountains, trading their smith-work with Janderhoff in exchange for raw ore (Glimmerhold’s exhausted strip mine now serves as the lake’s basin).
Once there, the adventure jumps straight into action. While crossing one of the four bridges that give access to the city, the heroes witness a strange weather phenomenon. The roar of thunder echoes through the mountains as the sky above Glimmerhold is torn asunder and from a spiralling vortex of red clouds a horde of flying creatures dives towards the city.
The PCs and the various merchants and travellers are attacked by Doomguide Valkyries. This tactical battle involves saving innocents, avoiding the depths of the lake, dealing with flying opponents and organizing the retreat of a panicked mob.
Doomguide Valkyrie CR 6
Soaring high above the ground, this dwarven battle maiden is mounted on an umbral, dragonwinged ram. Armed with sword and lance, she is the pristine incarnation of bloodshed, and with a hate filled battle cry, she beckons you to welcome her sanguinary embrace.
Ecology: Creatures of ancient dwarven mythology, they are known to bring the souls of traitors and cowards into the netherworld where they will suffer for eternity. Some dwarven warriors claim that they witnessed battles between Doomguide Valkyries and their good aligned counterparts fighting for the spirit of dwarves who were both, soldier and traitor.
In play: During battle, these outsiders make use of the Spirited Charge feat in combination with Power Attack. When landing an exceptionally powerful blow, they are able to briefly impale their opponent’s soul and separate it from its body, impeding actions and inspiring fear.
After the encounter, the display of the heroes’ prowess yields them an invitation to dine with the king in the evening. In the mean time they are free to do business within the city and use Gather Information to discover more about Glimmerhold.
At the rich banquet, the PC’s get the brief chance to acquaint themselves with the spiteful derro aristocracy. Also, they can use the Diplomacy, Sense Motive and Spot skill to learn more about the dark secrets surrounding city and king.
At the height of the heavy meal, they are offered a chest of gold if they are able to root out the evil in the old mountain monastery located a day’s travel from Glimmerhold. King Ezelgar is sure that this place of misery is the source of all evil and as if to affirm his words anguish strikes again. Suddenly all gold within the city (except the PC’s) turns to worthless lead, all food looses its taste, and the delicious spirits transform into poisonous hooch.
Enraged Ezelgar calls to bring precious gems instead, but as his anger surfaces so does the creature dwelling in the lake. The evening ends with the appearance of Angrammora’s offspring (wingless advanced green half-dragon kraken, CR 15), many panicked dwarfs and some mystified derro (who thought the creature to be under their control).
Act 2:
Leaving Glimmerhold is a daunting task on its own, with Doomguide Valkyries circling the city and the new threat of the kraken besieging the settlement. While some groups may choose to fight, others will evade this exceptionally powerful opponent (with invisibility or teleportation), at least for now.
After leaving, the roughly daylong travel alongside or through the deep dry riverbed of the dammed up Gjurn River is interrupted by a group of Guiltgorger Giants that were freed from the underworld to sate their hunger on the people living in the vicinity of the city.
Guiltgorger Giant CR 8
This creature is a towering, perversely thin, ebon-skinned humanoid. Its arms are disproportionably long and its oversized seven-fingered hands nearly touch the ground. As it moves, dry black skin constantly rustles like cracking parchment strapped too tightly onto the famished frame of a giant’s skeleton. Sizzling lightless energy drools from its toothless maw and the stench of half digested flesh unfurls in the air.
Broken brass shackles fitted around its wrists, neck and ankles thrum menacingly as it strides towards its prey.
Ecology: Created at the dawn of the world, these insatiable creatures nearly erased the newly born dwarven race and some doubtable legends tell that they are the reason for the dwarven preference to make their homes underground. Witnessing this gluttony, the gods decided that there was no place for these beasts among their creation. In a great hunt, the giants were captured and brought to the underworld where they were shackled to a slab of frozen blood, doomed to hunger forevermore.
In play: Guiltgorger giants have the extraplanar subtype. Their signature attack is a variation of the swallow whole ability, but creatures swallowed do not end up in the giant’s belly. Instead, they are shunted to the netherworld to suffer in a realm of sorrow, madness and pain. If still alive, they are freed once the giant dies.
Alternatively the giant might vomit one of its victims on purpose, to use it as a powerful negative energy infused ranged attack.
After reaching the monastery, a reclusive and partially ruinous building carved high into the mountainside, the adventure’s tone changes to exploration (with threats of high altitude and low temperature). During their expedition into the depths of the mountain, the PCs may visit an ancient stone-scribe library (interaction and/or battle with its many-faced guardian, a ghost drawn forth from the lore itself, LN dwarf ghost, mnk 7), blazing crematory halls that act as a spawning ground for an army of risen dwarven ancestors (fire elementals), a rust cankered war machine graveyard (once a symbol of peace), as well as a forgotten gravitation-less treasury (still containing the dawn chariot, a magical war-chariot that is briefly able to traverse the rays of the sun).
Awaken! (CR 7 environmental hazard)
During the exploration, Helrún unleashes the last of her divine scourges. With an earth shattering scream, the monastery begins to quake and tear itself from its mountain home. The building transforms into an 80 ft. high, six-legged behemoth supporting itself on tunnels that used to be rooted into the stone. Now they sprout from a massive hulk of temple halls. With a vast maw formed by welded battle relics, a flaming heart and fire elementals dancing across its back, it bears semblance to a titanic, disfigured, and odiously pregnant insect (paragon colossal animated object, CR 25).
As it slowly descents the mountain, the heroes’ situation within the beast changes dramatically. The encounters in the monastery are more aggressive, the layout of the “dungeon” is altered (some walls become floors, corridors turn into moving deathtraps etc.) and the general movement causes much chaos and destruction.
The site-based part of the adventure ends when the PCs finally make it to the monastery’s sanctuary and “head” of the creature. There they meet Helrún (Clr 3/Wiz 3/Mystic Theurge 7), the enlightened Forgepriestess still fused to the wall above the monastery’s altar. In this social encounter, the PCs have an additional chance to learn more about the adventure’s background and that it is Helrún who infuses the building with life.
Especially zealous or ignorant groups might be swayed by her feverish speeches about divine justice and they might accompany the priestess on the merciless crusade, but others will choose to oppose her.
If the heroes attack, they are shunted from the dungeon as the colossus forcefully smashes its “head” into the mountainside, obliterating the entire room (suffering 200 points of damage) and scattering the remains (including the PCs) across the rocky terrain. If this is not sufficient, it continues its evasive manoeuvres by jumping off the steep mountain (falling ~5000 ft. and suffering 20d6 points of damage) and then scuttling along the ground while benefiting from its fast healing ability.
Act 3:
The adventure culminates in an epic and event-based confrontation. Depending on the choice of the heroes, they might help the Forgepriestess to attack Glimmerhold (at least until they realize that her intends of purification will not stop after the derro's defeat) or defend the city against the zealous temple while allying with the derro or opposing them.
Independent of their choice, they will have to face king Ezelgar, the kraken and most likely Helrún herself at one point of the finale.
Other events that might happen during this battle are briefly outlined here:
- While advancing towards Glimmerhold, the monastery assaults the dam. Its destruction causes a flash-flood crashing through the riverbed, strands the kraken and drains the lake. Due to its draconic heritage, the creature is able to survive without water but its crawling form is easier to defeat.
- With a mighty blow, the monastery impales the city with one of its “legs” and through the connecting tunnel, flaming ancestors swarm Glimmerhold.
- If still alive, the kraken (Grp +55) tries to grapple the temple (Grp +56) and although it is unable to crush the mighty construct, this will offer a chance to attack or even enter the monastery.
- The city fights the divine siege weaponry with catapults and magic (many derro are spellcasters and while most of their spells have no effect, they soon realize that hails of acid arrow are an adequate tactic).
- The oppressed dwarves of Glimmerhold seize the opportunity to break the chains of slavery and raise their hammers against the derro, causing a bloody revolution.
- Glimmerhold’s distillery explodes, damaging the monastery and/or the kraken.
- As long as the monastery is below half its initial hitpoints, it can be entered and the amount of damage it already suffered prevents it from using its room crushing tactic to get rid of the PCs. Once inside, the heroes might put an end to the building’s assault by defeating Helrún.
Kingslayer (EL 13)
Scene: Glimmerhold’s enormous throne room is dimly lit. The hall’s ceiling is completely covered by a huge tapestry embroidered with an artful, but outdated map of Varisia. On the far wall behind the throne an enormous opaque crystal slice gives a wide view of the lake and the battle that is taking place outside. The muted sound of clashing swords and arcane incantations emphasises the unsettling tranquillity of this room.
On the throne, King Ezelgar slouches as if crushed under the city’s weight. He and two guards clad in fullplate are the only figures left in the empty chamber.
Creatures: Two dream distilled counterparts of king Ezelgar (LE, dream distilled ftr 4/rog 4, one in fullplate) and king Ezelgar himself (LE, old ftr 4/rog 8)
Action: The king knows that his time has come, but in his heartless chest anger and pride demand a death in battle. During his entire reign he stood near the throne, disguised as a guard, whispering commands to his counterfeits. Now all of this shall find an end.
In the first round of combat, he strikes one of the ropes holding the tapestry. It comes down cloaking everything and setting the stage for a confusing, “sneak attack” favouring battle.
Depending on their choices and the outcome of the final battle, the heroes might be celebrated, spurned or remain as the sole survivors of the catastrophe.
If they fought especially valiant, they will be honoured by the surviving dwarves and if one of them is a dwarf himself, he might be asked to take the position of Steward of Glimmerhold until a suitable heir is found.
The Bloodflame Ring (worn by the real King Ezelgar)
This beautiful palladium ring is warm to the touch. Etched into its inside, artful pictures tell the tale of its creation and the imagery claims that this ring was one of the first items crafted by employing heat to coerce metal into shape.
Donning it activates its powerful magic. Within a few seconds it grows incredibly hot, searing the flesh of its wearer and melting itself into the finger bone. This deals 2 points of Constitution damage that can not be healed as long as the ring is worn (the ring does not work for creatures immune to Constitution damage).
Simultaneously, it transforms the blood (or similar life-giving fluid) of its bearer into pure molten iron. The wearer of the ring gains the fire subtype and damaging him with a natural or handheld weapon deals 5 points of fire damage to the attacker. A creature foolish enough to attack with a blood draining ability (a vampire’s blood drain for example) is dealt 10 points of fire damage and the abilities effect is prevented.
Strong transmutation; CL 15th; Forge Ring, fire shield, iron body; Price 30,000 gp.
Kobold Press
|
For a minute at the start of this I was sure I was reading Boomer's entry. Then the poetry stopped and the fun started: Dwarven valkyries! A cubic stone city! Giants and mayhem! You're cramming a lot of epic into this proposal. Possibly too much, but it's hard to say no to high fantasy like that. It reminded me of Dragonlance, and the big wild epics like Savage Tide. It's got scope and drama.
That said, it's not perfect. The emphasis on tight site-by-site description and even mechanics seemed like too much detail for an overview/proposal. The fighting monastery is just too weird for me (this contest has been both blessed and cursed with a high percentage of gonzo stuff).
I'm looking mostly for imagination, story flow, hooks, and setting in a proposal. You've given me that, but also damage and even spell choices. The mechanics of each encounter are valuable information to a point, but they should never overwhelm the pitch. In this case, some of your mechanical flourish clutter the story line. I think you may have gone too far into encounter specifics rather than spelling out the flow of the adventure.
Still, I want to play this one. I may even want to rearrange my home game to make room for it. And that's a sign that you're onto something.
Recommended.
Clash of the Kingslayers. Evocative. Has a “Clash of the Titans” vibe, so the sooner you get me away from whatshisname in a loin cloth imagery the sooner I’ll like it. And no owl golems either.
Oh boy. Another quote. People, adventure submissions don’t lead with quotes. I know. I’ve read thousands. Mona has read even more. Christine, I didn’t expect you to make that mistake. But wait, I do really like that final line: “Soot smearing on a wall in Glimmerhold and inscription on the equiangular aventurine tablet in the stone-scribe library.” And, as a fan of killer adventures, anything—even a poem—that says “None will survive” can’t be all bad. But you sure did waste a lot of words there. Just get to the adventure.
Not quite knowing what to expect I turn to the back cover text, and oh yeah you got me! Dwarven valkyries? Heck, I might publish this just to see what the artist draws up for them. Listen, when your back cover text already has the publisher thinking about cover art, your submission is getting the publisher going in your favor. I’m hooked, I’m intrigued. What do you mean “monastery is imbued with divine life to wage war on the city the heroes might choose to protect”? You are teasing me, which is good. In fact, one good tip for adventure submission pitches like these is to tease a bit.
Feeling pretty excited about this one, I glance ahead a bit and already I like your structure: the hook you didn’t really need (the quote, but I’m past that), back cover text, background, outline. Shows professionalism. I’m favorably inclined to like this. Good organization of a pitch suggests that you will deliver a good, professional, well-organized manuscript. Much like an over-the-top-caffeine-fueled-Boomer-fest in a submission worries me that I am going to get 500 pages when I only want 50. Yours says: I am professional, I know what I am doing and I can do this.
Dwarves, dragons, some kind of ring. Sounds good. Oh, now it really gets interesting. Derro, a vile pact, treachery, love, deceit, revenge. You can’t lose when you have adventures that center on the big human emotions. Sets up a pretty “shades of grey” kind of adventure with some good and bad perhaps on all sides. Interesting. This is a Christine submission. A big idea. Very original. I am already STRONGLY inclined to want to publish this.
And it just gets better. The details on Glimmerhold are just what I want in a submission. Perfect. Well done. We know we are getting a map of it and some description.
Ah, and the hits keep coming. This is how you grab me and start a 32-page adventure. You don’t have time for goofing around. Christine shows she gets it: “Once there, the adventure jumps straight into action. While crossing one of the four bridges that give access to the city, the heroes witness a strange weather phenomenon. The roar of thunder echoes through the mountains as the sky above Glimmerhold is torn asunder and from a spiralling vortex of red clouds a horde of flying creatures dives towards the city.” Watch and learn. That is how you start adventures. She found her beginning. That is so key to an adventure. And on top of that there is no way the players will forget it—airborne death from above via dwarf female valkyries riding umbral, dragon-winged rams. That is awesome. And we asked for awesome.
The next thing I notice is pacing. This adventure has good pacing so far. Big encounter, then down time. Then we get a kraken! It’s like the verse-chorus structure of a rock song. Soft-loud. Or, in this case, loud-soft-loud. Alternating the pace gives the PCs some breathing time and lets the players enjoy the action more distinctly. Let’s see if she can maintain this kind of well-structured pacing.
Basically, at this point, she would have to commit a fatal blunder for me not to want to publish this adventure. I’m not even sure I would read that much more in detail. I’d scan it, email her and say “write it, I love it.” But this is a contest, so I will read and critique the rest.
So far we have three really great encounters—they are great on their own and they all move the story forward when taken together. Yet they don’t railroad the PCs. It all feels like the organic growth of the adventure. Plus, they all tie towards a theme that of revenge and guilt that is made even more clear in the guiltgorger giant encounter. Man, this isn’t just an adventure it is literature. This is truly a great adventure proposal. I wish I got ones like this. I have (Lance’s for What Evil Lurks was like this kinda).
Nice shift to exploration and a passing reference to altitude and temperature threats. No need to detail that stuff out in a submission.
Oh boy! Big payoff on that early teaser. I wondered what you meant in your back of book text and now I know—the monastery itself comes alive! That is just rad. There is no other word for it. And I have totally left behind any cheesy imagery from Clash of the Titans.
Hmmm. I have to ding this a bit for the “dungeon is the inside of a creature” schtick. That has been done way too many times. At least this time it has cool flavor, in that you end up confronting Helrun who the PCs may want to help. It makes for some interesting moral choices. BUT for moral choices to pay off you need to make sure the PCs understand them. That means they better have gotten the full story and all the info earlier in the adventure or they won’t understand what it all means.
I love the event-based ending. Teriffic. And then a truly epic conclusion to the whole thing. Just unbelievably wonderful.
That was an amazing adventure submission. I don’t know of a single publisher who, if accepting adventure submissions, wouldn’t have agreed to greenlight this thing half way into it. It’s that good.
RECOMMENDED WINNER.
Christine, your submission was fantastic. Your whole Superstar run has been breathtaking. Clearly, all the talent in roleplaying is not already in the industry. You belong here. Frankly, you are a better designer than half the people that are in the industry (present fellow judges excluded of course, though you are probably better than me). I’m impressed. I don't know if I could have made it this far and done this well. In fact, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have under the time pressure.
In my view, you are the clear winner of this contest.
There are times when other competitors may display more pure raw talent but you are always right there with them (say Boomer is on 10 while you are on 9) and your continued professional execution has been unmatched. That combination is what we are looking for in my opinion. Talent alone isnt enough. You have to have the talent and present it professionally. I dont think anyone has come close to you when you combine both of those.
Now it is time for the voters to decide. I can't wait to see what they do.
Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Without question "Clash of the Kingslayers" is the best title of the round.
Reading the opening poem in this submission, I can hardly believe that you struggled a bit with English in the first couple of rounds of this contest. Watching your development as a writer in this language has been one of the greatest joys of this contest for me, and I thank you for the hard work you have put in on this from round to round. It is really paying off.
I was surprised (and pleased) to see you provide back cover text for the adventure. It's always nice, as publisher, not to have to do that part myself, and I especially appreciate that it shows that you as the writer know how to distill the entire adventure down into a brief paragraph or two. That said, I think it's much smarter to use the present tense in this sort of sales copy, as it seems more immediate and puts the reader right into the action. Rather than telling him what _will_ happen (and then what _will_ happen next, and what _will_ happen after that), just say what's happening.
You have a great talent for naming things. Glimerhold is a good name for a dwarf community, and my favorite name so far is the "Mistbreather Clan" of derro. Derro are always weird and mysterious, and now I'm imagining a community of them that lives among some bizarre subterranean gas, which ratchets up the creepiness. What effects does the mist have on the derro? How does it color their culture? I love that a simple name elicits such evocative questions.
I really like the description of Glimmerhold, and I can imagine the bridge encounter with the doomguide valkyries. The guilgorger giants are also compelling (and gross). The idea of puking up a swallowed PC to use as a negative energy ranged attack is a stroke of genius.
When the monastery comes alive, the adventure takes a turn for the weird. Boomer has the reputation in this contest of being the Wahoo Guy, but you are able to match his weirdness and inspiration every single round. I get a little worried about the mobile monastery being difficult to run, but with the right GM instructions in the adventure I think you could pull it off with aplomb.
I think this is the best submission this round, by a considerable margin. The events described in the outline might easily fit within 32 pages. The writing is excellent. The names are evocative, and the ideas are truly original and inspiring.
We started this contest to find a genius game designer among the thousands of gamers out there who have never had a significant shot at RPG Superstardom. I am happy to report that we have found several designers who fit the bill (far more than just the final four).
But there is only one designer who has consistently wowed me every single round, and who I can support without reservations as THE RPG Superstar.
That designer is Christine Schneider. Were it up to me, "Clash of the Kingslayers" would be the adventure Paizo publishes as the reward for winning RPG Superstar.
But it's not up to me alone. Now the voters get their say.
You have gotten better with every round, and you have come up with staggeringly cool ideas without falling victim to the common problems of going too far or overwriting.
Every finalist in this contest is a winner.
By my judgment, Christine Schneider is THE winner.
Good luck, Christine! I hope the voters see things my way!
Wow. The mental pictures abound with this entry.
I love the imagery, the location and the encounters.
A few complaints though. It seems a little contrived to me, and I'm sure it will to my players, that events are set into motion as the characters 'cross the bridge'. I would prefer to see an in world explanation for why this is the king's "time".
I also don't like adding a city like this and then radically changing it in 32 pages. How will Paizo be able to support this area in the future when its fate depends on the outcome of this adventure?
Speaking of page count, I don't think there will be a fair amount of backdrop written for exploring the city and its environs. The stat blocks and dungeon area are going to take up most of this book, turning it into one big string of battles.
And will PCs really care about who wins? If the gods want to punish the king then let them do it.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar
aka Leandra Christine Schneider
|
I can't quite structure how I feel right now, but I want to offer my deepest thanks for all the support, critique and help that has been offered here.
This contest has given me so much and I'd be glad if I can return some of this awesomeness back to you.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6
|
I can't quite structure how I feel right now, but I want to offer my deepest thanks for all the support, critique and help that has been offered here.
This contest has given me so much and I'd be glad if I can return some of this awesomeness back to you.
You should feel proud but humbled, if you're like me :)
I'm thrilled to see you at the top of the pack like this. You're quite a find for the business.
Voted for. Good luck.
Another powerful entry in a succession of powerful entries. Looks like Paizo knew what it was doing when it planned this contest. They've already helped turn a few of these writers into brand names, and Christine is one of them. If I saw her name on a book I'd pick it up on impulse and thumb through. That's halfway to sale right there.
This is one hell of an adventure, and if this entry doesn't take the cake for the best entry overall, there is no justice in this competition.
This does not only have one "WoW !!!" moment but several, uses established imagery in new and nicely twisted ways .... The derro-dwarven pact just send shivers down my back, same goes for the dwarven Valkyries and.... all of it. Nice twists and quite a bit of tough choices for the PCs to solve the epic story in their own personal way
As for the animated monastery, that is just wonderful imagery and by far the best use of the dungeon within a villain I have seen, hmmm, in the last twenty years or perhaps ever ?
It definitely has my vote
PS - so when is this going to be published and where can I sign for a pre-order ?
Christine, I have to hand it you once more. You got me from round to with the severed head of a perishing god, and have held my attention since.
You and Boomer have been superlative throughout and I was dreading trying to choose between you two (sorry Jason and Rob!) in this round.
And you have won out...just! (But just is enough, right?)
I like this adventure already. It's got enough tactical punch to keep my NPC-slaughter-happy, optimised, tactical killing machines of players on edge (even with only the SRD to rely on), something even WotC has not always managed! I liked the Dwarven Valkerie air strike to start, and thought "yeah, that'll get 'em sweating!"
Maybe it's because I've been playing too much Universe at War, but I was totally seeing Heirarchy Walkers with the temple - and that's a good thing!
The guiltgorger giants were a stroke of genious. For a moment I thought you were channeling Boomer, but then I got down to the swallow whole into netherworld and went "Yep. That's Christine!" I so want to spit up a negative-energy charged PC at another PC now. That's just Sheer Awesome imagery!
You get my vote, as you have every round, and well-deserved it is too.
I said it the last round, and I'll say it again; if you and Boomer ever did a collaberation, I think it would contain so much Win and Awesome the universe would implode.
Until then, I'll have to look forward to whatever else you concoct individually...because even that is unparalled brilliance!
Superlatively done.
count my vote as yours. Without even resorting to exotic settings, strange McGuffins or high-level extravagancas this is still the most innovative, mind-warping and imagination-catching entry in the entire Superstar contest....
This is - frankly speaking - on a level with some of the best stuff paizo has thrown at us for the last few years (and beats most of the weaker stuff, and there has been some of that, with both hands tied on its back ) , and my only wish for this would be to give it more space than a mere 32 pages to run amok in !
*wicked grin*
*sneaks off to paint an army of dwarvin valkyries*
When i was reading this entry THREE questions occurred to me :1. When can i play it ?
2. When can i play it ?
3. When can i play it ?
I'll add one more question:
4. When can i play it?Awesome imagery, imaginative bad guys and I love the flavor names- interesting, but not impossible to pronounce.
I'm torn on which way to vote, because Boomer's proposal would be an awesome Adventure Path full of werewolf pirates and other crazy stuff like Onuyaka and Friends, but I can imagine yours much easier as a stand-alone 32-page module. And I want to crush some PCs with that colossus.
ausgezeichnetes schreiben!
(At least that's what the online translator said...)
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
|
Christine, I've enjoyed reading your entries since round one, and thought you did a great job again. I still have two entries to read, but I suspect you've got my vote. I can just see the look in my player's eyes when they see the monastary smash it's own head open to get at them, and they panic trying to figure out how to escape.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar
aka Leandra Christine Schneider
|
Questions:
Hmm. If I vote for you, will you clear up that question I have left over from last round which you never answered: "I'm still not clear, since as far as I can see you didn't really refer to it in your response, how the orcs, riding down the mountainside at 300ft/second, catch themselves 'fiery sacrifices'? Can you clarify: is this some sort of hunting ritual, where they chase after captives who are in another sled or vehicle of some sort? "
:-)
Of course just head over to the "chase" thread.I'm sorry that I didn't get to it earlier, but I somehow imagined it was answered by someone else already.
[
This module will set the heroes against the gods’ blind wrath in defence of a dwarven city-kingdom. During the course of the adventure the PCs will cross swords with dwarvish valkyries, fight giants freed from the underworld, unravel an ancient secret, and explore a remote monastery.
What starts as a casual dungeon crawl, will turn into a frantic pandemonium as the monastery is imbued with divine life to wage war on the city the heroes might choose to protect or even aid to destroy.
Ultimately, the PCs get the chance to slay not one, but three kings in attempt to end this madness and write the final lines of an ancient tragedy.
This adventure is intended for characters of 10th-level and will yield enough experience to advance them to 11th-level or even half-way to 12th-level.
Glimmerhold. Really good name. Hey! Dwarven valkyries. Awesome. You picked up my attention almost immediately (although for once I found the intro poem rather long and drew away from my attention). In the backstory, someone stone shapes a wall around someone? Oooh, good stuff.
“Angrammora’s offspring, a half-dragon kraken” Yanno, I have a tiny bit of a problem imagining a dragon and a squid doing the nasty. I do. If you had explained this (evil archmage polymorphs dragon and kraken, dispels the result when they procreate, for example), I would not have had a problem.
The giants look cool.
Yike! An animated, walking monastery. Holy smackerel! This looks like a ton of fun. Okay, many metric and cubic tons of fun.
A simple premise with some amazing cool stuff. I liked this the best of the four. You presented an adventure with the "feel" of 32 pages, cool stuff, not too much, not too little, just right.
For purposes of this review, I did not read any other comments.
oh well done i would run this in a heart beat
|
This adventure does the best job of offering multiple motivations. Maybe the PCs are here to plan or stage a coup, maybe they're agents of chaos intending to foment revolution, maybe they're just shopping or passing through, or maybe they intend to save the day in order to worm their way into the existing power structure. Good job! With published modules, versatility is useability.
The monastery coming to life part is really weird. I could see replacing or augmenting it with a mob of dwarven monk ghosts bent on beating the righteous indignity out of every last derro in town, but that could come across as too similar to The Return of the King. I might have the Forgepriestess gate in some solars or maruts, since they can cast earthquakes to bust up the dam and maybe the bridges, and a solar would be an appropriate thematic accompanyment to the valkyries in the final act. The idea of draining the moat/lake to make the fight easier is good; it's cinematic, but is bound to have consequences. It's also an opportunity to raise the moral ambiguity. Maybe you could get by with the Forgepriestess placing her brain in some sort of construct, maybe she's a thaumaturgist with a marut cohort. Maruts also fit because the king is cheating death, what with his heart condition. Also, these suggestions would save space that could be used for RP encounters at the dinner, exploration, the new giant, and/or exposition of the plot. It also sets up future conflict, because whoever lives downstream of Glimmerhold is going to have issues with damage from toxic stripmine runnoff.
I also really like that your submission looks like it would fit in 32 pages. The other proposals sound really good, but none of them would fit. I'd be disappointed with what the others would have to be in this format, especially since by posting the proposals, we've seen what's behind the curtain. This project is solid and achievable, so it will not disappoint the people who've been following the contest closely. As they say, slow and steady wins the race.
Christine, you've pulled through with my favorite yet again. I love the Feng Shui-esque "Cool things that could happen in this fight" lists. I love the "spearing your soul" thing with the valkyries. I love the monastery coming alive, that's a total "WTF!" moment for the PCs.
You'd need editing - I appreciate the desire to use "D&D-ey language" but "equiangular?" "Larcener?" There were a lot of words used that made me wriggle in my seat as if Tasered. Hint: if you find yourself using words that even Gygax would shy away from, you're going a bit over the top.
I judge an adventure (any submission, really) by the images I bring away from it, and yours definitely comes out on top in that regard. Let me be the first to congratulate you on nailing it!
Wow! This is just an amazing mish-mash of cool stuff. Epic (Clash of the Titans and Ring of the Nibelung), yet videogame-ish (Shadow of the Colossus, the first God of War) at the same time... and the doomed king has a sort of fantasy riff off of Iron Man for good measure!
This is the first entry I've read and I've got to say you've set a -very- high bar for your competition. Well done, Christine!
Would I like it as a player - Until the living monastery, yes. After that I would be scratching my head a bit.
Would I like it as a GM - With some significant alterations, yes.
Would I pay money for it - Yes, your 'on back of the adventure' was great.
2/3
Fun theme and a lot of good scenes with huge creative combat encounters. The writing was a bit convoluted and I had to read several parts more than once to get a clear understanding of what was going on. That is the biggest weakness of this one I think; especially considering the theme is offbeat in the first place.
I can tell you now my group would probably fight (and die) against the Kracken-Dragon. The living monastery, a bit weird and I as a GM would personally alter this to something more manageable where the PCs were not quite so much the bystandards. I would rather have Helrún's magic form constructs like the Juggernauts in 'Master of the Desert Nomads' from the monastery material than have the actual monastery come to life. Something along those lines anyhow - as it is I think the PCs would be marginalized to some extent not to mention have ample opportunity for a TPK. You have several places where the PCs may think they are being brave or clever and they will be simply killed for it.
That said, the creativity here outshines the other contestants and I think you have the strongest base to work with. I will be voting for this by a slim margin.
Great work once again. Cool plot and the encounters promise to be action packed. Can`t wait to read or even play the whole thing.
|
I've got to disagree with Erik. This sounds like a great adventure and i'd love to play it but there are a lot moments when the english goes a bit wobbly in this submission.
If Christine wins (and she deserves to) I hope that a really good writer either works with her or edits the adventure thoroughly.
I was probably in the minority, but I simply wasn't as impressed with your earlier work. With that said you have simply gotten better and better with each round which I think is a true testament to what the contest was all about.
I think the two best ideas were yours and Jasons but your writing here is clearly superior.
My only nitpick is the monastery coming alive. Not that it wouldn't be a cool thing to happen in an adventure but that with the PC's inside at the time, they really aren't going to get that "Wow factor" with what is happening since they won't be able to see it.
I don't know if you are familiar with Shadows of the Colossus (PS2 game) but having the PC's emerge from the monastery and then having them battle their way to the head would probably be much more interesting...just a thought.
Great submission!
If Christine wins (and she deserves to) I hope that a really good writer either works with her or edits the adventure thoroughly.
This is all stuff the editor would fix.
This creature is a towering, perversely thin, ebon-skinned humanoid. Its arms are disproportionably long and its oversized seven-fingered hands nearly touch the ground. As it moves, dry black skin constantly rustles like cracking parchment strapped too tightly onto the famished frame of a giant’s skeleton. Sizzling lightless energy drools from its toothless maw and the stench of half digested flesh unfurls in the air.
That was amazing. The funny thing is I am having trouble seeing the same person writing your LeandraChristine 'about' page. Did you find yourself an editor? Whatever, I'm still voting for you.
If Christine wins (and she deserves to) I hope that a really good writer either works with her or edits the adventure thoroughly.This is all stuff the editor would fix.
the "weak english" complaint is getting both long in the tooth by now and compared to the less than perfect technical writing skills of many competitors has started looking ludicrous as well.
I really wonder whether if Christine hadn't been known from the beginning as someone who's native language isn't english , anyone would have taken notice or objected....
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar
aka Leandra Christine Schneider
|
That was amazing. The funny thing is I am having trouble seeing the same person writing your LeandraChristine 'about' page. Did you find yourself an editor? Whatever, I'm still voting for you.
I wrote my personal page like a message board post, no computerized spell-checking, no thesaurus.com attacks and certainly not with the fear of an erik mona critique looming in my mind :P
That said, I may have to look over it again to not embarrass myself too much :S
I read this one last because I was sure it would be the best...I was not dissapointed. I immediately went and voted for "Clash of the Kingslayers."
As Tim and Eric would say, Christine: GREAT JOB!
|
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
,
Star Voter Season 6
|
That was amazing. The funny thing is I am having trouble seeing the same person writing your LeandraChristine 'about' page. Did you find yourself an editor? Whatever, I'm still voting for you.I wrote my personal page like a message board post, no computerized spell-checking, no thesaurus.com attacks and certainly not with the fear of an erik mona critique looming in my mind :P
Or worse, a Justin Achilli critique.
Can't wait to see your first product.
And by the way, I know it must have been tough to push through Erik's constant language barrier advice, but you did it. YOU DID IT. And you're a pretty phenominal writer in your second language. You know who else was like that?
Nabokov.
Vladmir.
Yeah.
*claps hands, slowly, in hopes of starting clap fire*
Methodology
I decided to read the entries in reverse order of my past appreciation of the contestant's work. I went this route because I wanted to give each author a chance to impress me before I read work by the others with whom I had been more impressed in the past. After my first pass, I returned to each in order, from best to ... least (none of these are even remotely "worst") and then read what the judges and others had to say.
Critique
Christine:
I read your entry second, having been impressed the most by two of your entries: Your villain, Arthelia and your themed monsters, Mind the Machine (especially the Dungeon Core).
10th level is quite reasonable - I've never run or played in a campaign past the level 12 range and rarely buy adventures above that level, prefering things for the 7-10 range - and your "On the Back Cover" was good enough that I might consider buying it if I picked up a shrink-wrapped adventure module and only had that to go on. I love the idea of dwarvish valkyries.
You started to lose me with the second paragraph of the Adventure background. Did he fight the dragon and lose, but was then saved by this Derro dude? I'm not sure. Then, if he was marked as an outcast to be shunned, how did the creation of two dream distilled counterparts allow him to remain King? And wouldn't having two (three if you count the original) versions of him running around be an obvious give-away of this bizzare plot? I'm afraid you've totally confused me.
Okay, the action goes right into things, and I like how you've got things building up and then giving the PC's some down time before throwing them back into things. I found myself going "huh?" when reading about the Guilt Gorger giants - they seemed excessive somehow and oddly out of place. The "living" building is kinda cool, but when I read the background text I was totaly expecting to see your Dungeon Core in action, so the actual situation was a bit of a let down.
In the end, I have to agree with others that your execution is awesome, you've got a lot of interesting ideas, your pacing is good and what you've written would probably fit into 32 pages. But I just couldn't get over the amount of confusion I have over the base upon which the plot lies - with that so unclear to me I just can't tell if the end result would actually be worth running or playing in.
In the end, this entry didn't place in the top three for me. That said, I suspect you're going to pull off the win based on comments so far and congratulations are definitely due, regardless of my personal take.
:-j(enni)
I like it. It get my vote.
And by the way, I know it must have been tough to push through Erik's constant language barrier advice, but you did it. YOU DID IT. And you're a pretty phenominal writer in your second language. You know who else was like that?
Nabokov.
Vladmir.
Yeah.
*claps hands, slowly, in hopes of starting clap fire*
Conrad.
Joseph.
*claps hands*
Oh man,
I SO want to run this. You have my vote!
Basically, at this point, she would have to commit a fatal blunder for me not to want to publish this adventure. I’m not even sure I would read that much more in detail. I’d scan it, email her and say “write it, I love it.” But this is a contest, so I will read and critique the rest.
I have to say I felt very much the same way.
Right off the bat, I was liking the whole thing. The DM in me liked the story and the level of action, especially the pace at which things developed.
The player in me enjoys jumping straight into the action - and we'd get rewarded for it! - and the plot development would make sense, assuming there are opportunities to learn the backstory.
I've marked others down for that last, but feel that here there is A) less to pick up as we go and B) references to locations like the library to discover it. Perhaps even a whole argument/discussion scene with the priestess.
The open-ended-ness of the conclusion appeals to both DM and player sides. That's a very cool touch - leaving it to the players to decide whether the temple construct should be stopped outright or only after the Derro are defeated or not at all. Most groups, I think, will support the rebellion but oppose the construct - but they'll enjoy making that choice themselves.
Definitely my top choice. Congrats.
-VIC
What can I say? You've certainly got my vote. Of the four, this is the one I'd most want to buy, and that's what it's all about. And now, hopefully, I will get the chance to buy it some day soon. Woo hoo!
Christine, you deserve the internet-equivalent of a standing ovation. :)
Bravo! You've got my vote.
I can't wait to get this adventure. :)
I think I said it 2 or 3 contests ago. Your going to win this hands down...
Woah, great stuff here.
I totally skipped over the poem at the beginning and went to the back cover blurb. I was sold on "the PCs get the chance to slay not one, but three kings", and it just kept getting better. Dream distilled duplicates, betrayal & corruption, dwarven valkyries, and a half-dragon kraken?! I would gleefully spend hours of my life on this adventure.
It's pretty clear to me that Christine deserves the RPG Superstar title. All the contestants have been good (and in some cases great), but where others eventually plateaued, Christine pretty consistently stayed ahead of the curve and kept on getting better with every round.
Of the four submissions, this one grabbed me and screamed 'This is COOL! BUY ME!!' It has an almost Shakespearean feel to it, and the dwarven Valkyries are just too awesome.
I did like Mr. Boomer's submision, but not as much as Ms. Schneider's. Further, I don't feel that Mr. Boomer conformed to the submission guidelines, and that's a big strike for me.
My vote goes to Clash of the Kingslayers.