First time entry...and mistakes were made. But this is how we learn, right? (I still can't believe I survived up until the final moment with a typo in it. My shame for that is endless.)
Books of One
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This unassuming pair of dog-eared tomes appear to be perfect mirrors of one another, including a foreboding dark stain on the fifteenth page.
Any text penned within the pages of one of these books immediately appears on the corresponding page of the other, regardless of distance. Spells specifically targeting the written word, books, or parchment such as erase, illusory script, or secret page have their effects bilocated; the same spell existing on both pages of the pair. Such effects end immediately if they are no longer present in both books of one.
Due to their dual nature, holding one of the pair functions as a “possession or garment” physical connection for the purposes of scrying attempts to discern the owner of the other.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, sending Cost 6,000 gp
This was one of my favorites. Not kidding. I talked about it a lot amidst my other dev groups.
Stream of consciousness review:
Love the name. Love it, love it, love it. Makes me start chanting in my head "two by two, hands of blue". It's just one of those names that...sticks.
Template looks good.
Description's a bit wonky in the lead off...humanizing books as modest is a little strange and I probably would have gone a different way.
"Appear to be" NOOOOOO. Don't use this or its variants...commit to a description. It may seem like you are being mysterious...but it only muddies the writing.
The foreboding dark stain on a specific page bit was excellent.
Could've used a line break to separate paragraphs.
Cool, bilocated text and spell effects. Great way to pass messages to a friend, potentially cause mischief with the party wizard, share spells and formulae, good plot item for a villain (I can think of a whole adventure based on finding one of these where the villain is writing vague instructions that lead the party on a wild goose chase and even potentially cause the heroes to commit unheroic acts based on bad info), and just all round fun. What happens if they are on different planes though?
Your semi-colon sentence is a bit odd, I'm not sure why you are referring the same spell existing on both pages of the pair..you could have just cut off the sentence at bilocated. Unless you were trying to say "only if the same spell exists on both pages of the pair" Then that makes sense, but it's kind of implied already...
Then the next sentence sums up at the point...I would completely cut the semi-colon sentence.
Good thought on including the scrying affect.
Overall, I really liked this item as it opened up a lot of imaginative things in my mind. Sure, they are a little expensive for books, and sure they require both books to function but there was a lot of fun to be had. So where did you go wrong? The effects are a little subtle and they honestly wouldn't see much use outside of specific campaigns where your party gets separated a lot or without being a plot item. That's probably what turned off most voters, and the questions that arise such as what happens if books are on different planes. Keep it up though, I saw a lot of potential here and you should definitely check out the Wayfinder 15 Open Call.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Here's my entry this year. Made it all the way through the final cull, but didn't break the top 100. Which is okay, as I only entered through a grey area in the rules, anyways - my third paizo credit just came out this week. I qualified when I entered, but not the day after the top 32 were released.
Any feedback would be welcome.
Portable Excavation
Aura faint conjuration; CL 7th
Slot —; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
DESCRIPTION
Though only six inches long, this iron hammer is as unwieldy, and as heavy, as though it were ten times its size. As a full-round action, the portable excavation can be used to strike a solid surface, creating a temporary passage up to three feet in diameter and up to five feet deep through solid material, such as dirt, stone or wood. Passage through other materials is possible, though one foot of metal, a thin sheet of lead, or any living or magical material blocks the passage. The surface through with the passage is made isn't destroyed or even damaged: it is merely displaced into an extradimensional space, and reappears after 24 hours leaving the original surface unharmed. Creatures inside the space when the effect ends are harmlessly shunted to a space on either side of the passage at their choosing. Once the portable excavation has been used to create a passage, it becomes a nonmagical iron hammer.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, create pit , stone shape ; Cost 1,500 gp
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Portable Excavation
Aura faint conjuration; CL 7th
Slot —; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
DESCRIPTION
Though only six inches long, this iron hammer is as unwieldy, and as heavy, as though it were ten times its size. As a full-round action, the portable excavation can be used to strike a solid surface, creating a temporary passage up to three feet in diameter and up to five feet deep through solid material, such as dirt, stone or wood. Passage through other materials is possible, though one foot of metal, a thin sheet of lead, or any living or magical material blocks the passage. The surface through with the passage is made isn't destroyed or even damaged: it is merely displaced into an extradimensional space, and reappears after 24 hours leaving the original surface unharmed. Creatures inside the space when the effect ends are harmlessly shunted to a space on either side of the passage at their choosing. Once the portable excavation has been used to create a passage, it becomes a nonmagical iron hammer.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, create pit , stone shape ; Cost 1,500 gp
AHHHH IT'S RONARS WHO WROTE THIS!!!
Seriously...This was the other item vying for my top favorite. So glad you posted this here RonarsCorruption.
Stream of consciousness:
Ok, the name's got me interested. Kinda sounds like it is a shovel...let's see.
Template looks pretty good but slotless items have been changed to none.
An unwieldy 6 inch long hammer?! Cool.
The comma use (not sure if it's abuse yet) in the first sentence was a little jarring. Probably would have rewritten this to be a little less interjection-y.
And the power. Ohhhhh that fun power. Creating a small and relatively slender hole. Instantly fun. Tunnel making! But full-round...that's tough. Because if I use this in a panic situation...I'm still only 5 feet down and get speared through the head by an orc. I'd probably have made this a move action so I could strike twice creating a 10 foot deep hole (or 6 foot diameter) or strike once and still have a combat maneuver attempt.
Any living material blocks it? What about flies, worms in the dirt, etc.? I get what you are going for but as written this hammer wouldn't actually work anywhere as an argument can be made that microscopic germs or bacteria or such live in everything.
Extradimensional storage for the displaced material...I love that you didn't destroy the materials. And a harmless shunting if creatures are in it. Camping pit!
Ooo...single use. Boo. For 3k gold. And only a 5 foot deep hole. Since the CL is 7th why didn't you follow the create pit depth...10 ft. per 2 CL? Especially in a single use item...5 feet doesn't do enough.
Overall, this was one of my favorites. I didn't think it would make Top 32...but I loved it and I loved what I saw behind it. You made a few odd choices as stated above, but that's actually pretty easy to overcome with a little more time working with editors. You'll start seeing that kind of thing in your sleep. What's important is that this is a fun, creative, and tightly themed item. Good on ya, RC, keep it up!
*EDIT*
Your pricing is a little low for the spells you chose. If you'd stuck with just create pit then you'd be pretty ball-parked. Stone shape is CL 5th for clerics and ups that price a good bit. And I think only having create pit would have been good as you would be twisting the actual spell effects enough to avoid being a spell in a can.
Love it or hate it, I want to know!
Rimemist Tetsubo
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 22,320 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This +1 frost tetsubo glints with beads of frozen dew, while wisps of fog waft around the handle. As a swift action, the wielder can call on a rolling billow of chilling fog to transform her into a gaseous form as the spell for up to 5 rounds each day. These rounds need not be consecutive.Ice clings to a rimemist tetsubo as it leaves gaseous form, and the next successful attack deals an extra 1d4 cold damage as ice shards break from it.
The wielder of a rimemist tetsubo may suspend a gaseous form spell affecting her as a swift action, solidifying her corporeal form for 1 round. These rounds still count against the duration of the spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, gaseous form, chill metal or ice storm; Cost 11,320 gp
I like the flavor of this item, the idea of darting in and out of a cloud of ice is cool - no pun intended.
Entering a gaseous form as a swift action is a bit problematic, but not a deal breaker. It probably should be a standard action.It's not really strong enough for the price. By the time you're spending 20k or more on a weapon, you're probably in the level 10 range (assuming you spend about 25% of your gold on a weapon), so that +1d4 cold damage is pretty underwhelming. Which means this sword's real power is turn into gaseous form as a swift action for 5 rounds a day, and, still be able to attack while in gaseous form from any means.
Overall, I think it's cool, but the best part of your effect isn't really the focus of the weapon. It's a sword you're not keeping on you to attack with.
Rogueblade
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 9,560 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
It is difficult to see the swirling smoke pattern etched into this blackened +2 short sword however once its special powers are revealed it is obvious that this is a weapon designed to appeal to those with a roguish bent. When the pommel ring is unscrewed and the wielder peers inside they see the inky blackness and seemingly endless depths of a bag of holding . Smaller than the smallest of known magical bags, , this shadowy blade’s extradimensional space can hold 50 lbs. and measures at only 10 cubic ft. in volume. If the item can fit into the one and a half inch opening where the pommel ring normally resides then it can be placed in the sword. Common items include lock picks, potions, pitons, silken rope and other tools of thievery. Items placed in the rogueblade can be retrieved as a full round action, rather than the standard action normally attributed to bags of holding. The pommel ring is designed to have rope tied to it and in a pinch the peculiar curve of the swords crosspiece allows the rogueblade to be used as a grappling hook. The weapon will not reflect light due to the tempering process used on the blade which creates its blackened luster.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, secret chest; Cost 4,780 gp
You could use some linebreaks, for purposes of readability. There are also some minor grammatical errors, like a double comma, but that's not the real problem here.
You spend far too much space describing something that you should never need to explain: who should use the item, why they should use it, and how they should use it.
All of this is stepping on a player's toes. Maybe a wizard wants this sword so they can store some wands inside - but your description says "thieves, thieves, thieves!". Not that players might not decide to do this stuff anyways, but there's no reason to pigeonhole them.
You also do something you should absolutely never do - make an assumption about the game world (that the space in the sword is the smallest known extradimensional space).... and also one that's contradicted by an extremely common item. handy haversacks have several pouches that are "2 cubic feet in volume or 20 pounds in weight" - less than half what you have listed.
If you cut out all the player instruction and assumption, you get the slightly cleaner...
It is difficult to see the swirling smoke pattern etched into this blackened +2 short sword . When the pommel ring is unscrewed and the wielder peers inside they see the inky blackness and seemingly endless depths of a bag of holding. This shadowy blade’s extradimensional space can hold 50 lbs. and measures at only 10 cubic ft. in volume. If the item can fit into the one and a half inch opening where the pommel ring normally resides then it can be placed in the sword. Items placed in the rogueblade can be retrieved as a full round action, rather than the standard action normally attributed to bags of holding. The pommel ring is designed to have rope tied to it and in a pinch the peculiar curve of the swords crosspiece allows the rogueblade to be used as a grappling hook. The weapon will not reflect light due to the tempering process used on the blade which creates its blackened luster.
A few other quick thoughts
- not everyone knows where or even what a pommel ring is, could have stood to be clarified.
- if you just called it an extraplanar space instead of a bag of holding, you could have saved a ton of words of comparison.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
AHHHH IT'S RONARS WHO WROTE THIS!!!
Hey Kiel, I'm glad I'm memorable. ;) I'm also really glad you liked my item.
The comma use (not sure if it's abuse yet) in the first sentence was a little jarring. Probably would have rewritten this to be a little less interjection-y.
Urgh, you discovered my weakness, commas! Seriously though, I need to try typing a week without using the comma key. My work absolutely suffers because I over-comma everything.
I really appreciate the feedback! I really need to stretch out the people I'm asking for advice from. One or two people can give me some good feedback, but we miss big things like how silly that line is about living material being a problem.
Props on the quick reply, too. :)
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
True. I am just well mannered and am 100% aware everyone else is going through the same emotions. It's a struggle to maintain dignity and not claw over others for my own benefit. :)
Soulrazor
I had a special interest in looking into your item because of its similarity to my submission in a few aspects. My critiques tend to really get nitpicky, but this is me trying to turn every aspect of your item up to eleven, and not so much me disparaging your item's choices. Feel free to give my item the same level of criticism, especially since we both considered aspects of the same design space. Without further ado...
Name: I like it, but it does sound a little like a specific items name. Still, it gives me a good idea about what sort of abilities and themes I am likely to see.
Header and Formating: You got the aura strength correct, and your formatting looks perfect. All good here.
Descriptions: I would have liked to see a bit more here. I only get info about the gem, and while that is obviously the centerpiece of the item's power, it leaves a lot else about the item in the dark. Also would have liked to see just a bit more about the gem, or at least tighten up the language regarding the swirling motes. I would cut the backstory about the first few made, especially since it really only describes the intended use of the item anyway, so I'm sure it's still true. Use those words to instead make this a visually awesome item, or maybe give me a sentence describing the cinematic moment of sucking in someone's soul.
Writing: Could be tightened up a bit, but mostly ok. The areas that really bothered me where when you included info in parentheses. Both times they only call out things that can be derived from the item as is and are just eating wordcount and breaking up your sentences.
Theme: You definitely have this strong concept and idea in your head for soul stealing weapons, and my mind goes to the many items in popular fantasy that also have this vibe. Whether this is really a concept that is viable in the pathfinder game for a magic weapon vs an artifact is something I will cover in my next section. The old fake body switchero is a bit of a diversion from this theme though.
Design: To start, I am not at all a fan of how you can trigger this effect. Soul bind is a 9th level spell, and even it requires you to be dead first. This is an unlimited use Save-or-Die that triggered on crits on a weapon with a large crit threat range that you have augmented with keen. This is borderline insane OP. This would get used on every TWF crit fishing builds, even if it did only 1 damage, as eventually with all those attack you will get someone to fail the save. Especially a DC 23 Will save. I can understand that these number came from the math of using a 9th level spell, but this is what drove the price and the DC to extremely high values and gave the item so many problems. This is getting into more the domain of a minor artifact. When I hit this exact same speed bump in my item, I shifted directions and changed it to no longer use that 9th lvl spell. Wasn't as powerful as I initially conceived it, but that was a good thing.
I would rework the section on releasing the soul, as saying it is a move action to release the soul and that you can cast soul bind while you do that leads me to think you want me to cast it as a move action, and not in the same round as was probably intended. I also don't know why you would want to shift around the souls, unless you were worried about your item getting broken. This is the opposite effect you want to have, IMHO. If the BBEG stole your grandmas soul and you go on an epic quest to free her, you want that resolved when you sunder the jerks weapon. You don't want to find out the BBEG involved her poor soul in an elaborate shell game.
The third ability is actually a bit fun, and in execution I like it more than the souls stealing, but there are some issues. If an NPC uses this and appears dead, and I loot him, what does my GM tell me? He obviously can't tell the name of the item I just picked up, or I will read the description and find out the trick. If he just tells me the basic chassis of the item (+1 keen impervious adamantine scimitar), then I'm losing out on the soul stealing core aspect of your item. The GM basically has to make up a fake item write up, and if my character had lots of appraise, UMD, or knowledge(arcana), I would feel cheated if there was no way for me to find out about that effect.
Also, when creating a duplicate we run into another problem: duplication of items. Clearly the sword is meant to be left with the "fake body", so why aren't all other items are left also? If you leave only the sword, but the body and items are temporary fakes that do nothing, once again I would want a chance to notice that. What if I put on your sweet full plate, and then find out it's not doing all the awesome things I saw it do when you had it on? This is just introducing a lot of potential problems. This is also basicly 100% a NPC ability. No PC would ever want to do this unless ALL the PC's had this item and wanted to set up a really odd ambush. Otherwise you are just saying, "Well, I'm about to die, good luck everyone" and disappearing. Then the player gets up and leaves the table for a while while everyone else continues the fight, as there is nothing he can do to influence the game till an hour has passed. I don't like the real world play implications of this item.
Summation: I'm not at all sold on the item. I think it might be able to be perfectly realized as a minor artifact: something the Gm adds as a story hook as the root of a quest to capture and break, therefore keeping out of the hands of players for use and abuse. In that light this is a wonderful item, but as something players can buy and go crazy with this looks like no end of headache for a GM. This shows me you definitely have great and interesting ideas, but this one's end effects were not thought out all the way. I would definitely want to see more from you though, and this might be the kind of thing that would really have benefited from workshopping. Others might be able to see the consequences of the item better that the designer, because they don't have its intended use in mind. I hope to see your submission next year, and am always more than willing to offer that kind of workshopping.
There you have it. If you are interested to compare and contrast my item, here it is. I by no means want to imply I did it is in any way "right", just to show another route to take a similar concept. You'll notice I didn't mention the construction cost issue because I did the exact same thing. I didn't survive cull 5, so I know there is still plenty wrong with my submission. But maybe between comments on both we can glean as much info as possible about the dangers of this design space.
Best of luck in future seasons!
Aura moderate conjuration and necromancy [evil]; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 20,182 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This +2 ghost touch spear is made of pitch black wood, and glows with a pale, ghastly light. When a living humanoid is slain by a critical hit from the spear a portion of its soul is ripped free and trapped within the weapon. Only one soul fragment may be held in this way at a time. If the victim is restored to life while the soul fragment is still held in the spear it suffers one permanent negative level, in addition to any additional penalties from being raised. This permanent negative level may not be restored while the spear holds the victim’s soul fragment, but is instantly restored once it is released.
Once per day, as a standard action, a spear containing a soul fragment may be activated by driving it into the ground. Activating the weapon summons a poltergeist (see Bestiary 2) for one minute. Poltergeists summoned by the spear are considered to be site bound to the spear’s location, and do not rejuvenate if destroyed. The poltergeist attacks any living creatures except the activator. Once activated, the spear must be left in its current position to continue functioning. Removing or destroying the spear immediately ends the effect and releases the soul fragment. Once one minute has passed, or if either the poltergeist or spear are destroyed, the effect ends and the soul fragment is released.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, create undead, plane shift; Cost 10091 gp
Come at me bros. I think I should have spent more time explaining what the moderate wind around the wielder does for the person instead of expecting people to know. I probably should have worded the wind wall ability differently so people would know how it varied from the base wind wall without looking it up.
Windcaller's Edge
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 32,000 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
The blade of this +2 katana bears the etchings of a simple cloud motif down the blade and pommel. When held, a swirling wind surrounds the wielder, filling his space and any space within his reach with a moderate wind. In addition, the wielder can cast wind wall up to three times per day as a standard action. A wind wall cast from the sword can be a vertical wall, a sphere with a radius of 10ft, or a cube that is 15ft on all sides. Any creature of small size or smaller trapped inside must make a DC 15 Str check to break through the winds. Gaseous creatures cannot break through.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, alter wind, wind wall; Cost 15,850 gp
Come at me bros.
Windcaller's Edge
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 32,000 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
The blade of this +2 katana bears the etchings of a simple cloud motif down the blade and pommel. When held, a swirling wind surrounds the wielder, filling his space and any space within his reach with a moderate wind. In addition, the wielder can cast wind wall up to three times per day as a standard action. A wind wall cast from the sword can be a vertical wall, a sphere with a radius of 10ft, or a cube that is 15ft on all sides. Any creature of small size or smaller trapped inside must make a DC 15 Str check to break through the winds. Gaseous creatures cannot break through.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, alter wind, wind wall; Cost 15,850 gp
At work, so need to be brief. It's a SiaC. You used up about half of your word count describing how wind wall works when we could have just looked it up. Could have done something much more interesting, like disarming gusts of wind, or blinds with dust clouds similar to dirty trick. I like that it's a katana without a cliche theme attached to it, but it easily could have been any other weapon.
Greenwarden Gauntlet
I really liked the visuals on this, but it was too expensive to justify the need to have 2 (at 71k each) in order to unlock all the abilities. Still, loved the idea.
Thanks, Belabras! Perfect example of how my simple typo cost me :)
Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
|
** spoiler omitted **...
Thanks for the review! It's valuable particularly in that it illuminates a point of view I'm not often exposed to. I write like I talk (or vice versa, really) so it sounds like I have a challenge ahead of me. And sorry about the title; it wasn't intended as a joke, I'm just awful at names. I spent more time on that name than I did the rest of the item!
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
Self critique: I had had a hard year with a lot of emergencies. I found out about the 'new' schedule a week before turn in and was booked 4 of those days. I had planned to get in on the Nine Blazing months and be prepared. So I know I can do better.
Instead, I--
Went with my more gonzo idea and let the idea get out of hand. This was a mistake. A more limited and concise item along these lines might have done better and I thought of one four days into the voting. Or a more conservative item. I like I took the risk, I just wish I had done a better job with it.
The connection of aging spirits and changing people is nebulous for some.
It is too heavy and too expensive.
The formatting in word did not translate here. My fixes were not as good as they needed to be.
Saw it mostly as a retraining tool to save money and time, but others might have seen it as a plot point to use against characters.
Spell choices to represent this proccess were difficult and that should have been a clue.
Hope that part is helpful to others.
Soul Brew Barrel
Auramoderate conjuration, enchantment and transmutation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 171,000 gp; Weight 120 lbs.
Description
This large white oak barrel is perfect for aging whiskey or similar spirits. Only elaborate knotwork carvings on the lid that sometimes resemble evolving humanoid figures hint at its other purpose.
A willing or helpless medium or smaller humanoid sealed into the barrel with the aging spirits need not eat, breathe, and are considered unconscious until the cask is opened. Gradually, they soak up the flavor and characteristics associated with the surrounding brew. With a successful Profession (brewer) check (DC 10+days aged inside the barrel) characteristics detailed below, skill ranks, archetypes, class features, feats, known spells and class levels may be instilled as if retrained (Ultimate Campaign) using those rules unless otherwise noted below. Changes are determined by the brewer and need not be voluntary.
Characteristic
Spells Known: 1 per spell level per day.
Skills: 1 point per 1 day. Target chooses skill point replaced.
Physical appearance (weight, height, eye color, hair etc.): 2 days.
Class features: 2 per feature. May be used to gain or lose archetypes.
Age category raised or lowered by one (Affects both physical and mental stats.): 3 day pre age category.
Replace one language: 3 days
Feats: 3 days
Gender: 5 days
One other change is perceived as their natural state: 5 days
Class levels (Classes with retraining synergies or npc classes only. Archetypes may be chosen at first level only.) 6 days per level.
Changes take place in order of least expensive to most. If the process is interrupted all uncompleted changes are lost.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Modify Memory, Reincarnate, Sepia Snake Sigil, Suggestion 10 ranks Profession (brewer) Cost 85,500 gp
Star Voter Season 9
|
----------Be gentle. haha. Let me know what you think, please! Thanks in advance!
Windstrike Impaler
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 33,610 gp; Weight 12 lbs
Description
This +1 ranseur has a dark oak haft with ornately carved channels running toward a wicked twisting spike. Two serrated blades stem from the cross hilt and corkscrew around the spike.
Three times per day, as a standard action, you can use the weapon to move yourself to another location on the battlefield within 40 feet, taking whatever path you deem necessary. This movement provokes attacks of opportunity as normal, though you may evade these by moving yourself around or even flying over other units, obstacles, and terrain as long as you stay within the 40-foot range.
At the end of this movement, if you threaten an opponent, you may use an immediate action to make an attack. The same surge of wind that facilitates your movement also grants you a +2 circumstance bonus on the attack roll. If this attack hits, you may use a free action to make a bull rush maneuver against the target with a +2 circumstance bonus. This maneuver does not provoke an attack of opportunity.
If you are on a mount, the movement from this ability instead functions for your mount, but you must be the one who makes the attack.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, gentle breeze, telekinetic charge, Cost 17,960 gp
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Third hand helmet
Aura Moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot Head; Price 42,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This steel helmet has a burnished hand on top of it. Upon saying its command word, a long metallic arm springs out of it, allowing its user to use the helmet’s extra hand for an hour, after which, it retracts until the command word is spoken again. The arm can extend as much as 10 feet and can move or manipulate objects of up to 12 pounds in that radius. As a swift action, the hand can also be used to attack any person within that range, granting its wearer an extra attack at his highest base attack bonus. It can make either unarmed attacks as a gauntlet or use any weapon it has previously grasped (in this case, the arm is considered proficient with any weapon its wearer is). Finally, the helmet grants a +2 circumstance bonus on grapple, climb, disable device and swim checks while its arm is extended.
Construction Requirements Craft wondrous item, Mage hand, Caster must have a base attack bonus of 4 or higher; Cost 21,000 gp
Bloodseeker Sword
Template issues (Strong necromnacy) should be lowercase
Where is the danger? You give yourself temporary hitpoints which you can spend on a bleed effect, so no real danger involved, thus as a mechanic it fails.
For the price you could almost give all the power away without including the hitpoint / bleed mechanic.
You have made a swiss army knife of blades, which isn't very superstar.
Boiling Heart Gauntlet
I upvoted this a few times against horrible template offenders and a few real items.
It is very steampunk and monster body parts are always a favorite, so you have that going on.
As a blood and gore item you cleverly avoid the blood, but you embrace the gore, however I am still conflicted about the mephit. Take a look at my avatar, if I am conflicted how will Joe Public respond to your item?
So well done, dial slightly back on the evil abuse of mephits and next year you'll have a winner.
Whispering Blade
I liked it, it was a good fit for the Whispering Tyrant lore, but as a pure evil item and as you yourself noted, really expensive, you shot yourself in the foot there.
Snowfall
Creatures native to the Plane of Fire, with the Fire Creature template or vulnerability to cold have a particular dislike of this weapon, and where possible will always choose to target the wielder with their attacks over any other opponent.
The above killed the weapon for me, it feels as if you are unsure of the power level of your item and are hedging your bets. Either use a cool mechanic or strip it all away for a better result.
|
A little late to the party, but tossing my item in for some good old fashioned critique!
Tome of the Journeyman
Aura moderate divination; CL 6th
Slot none; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This large book is filled with insight into all walks of life. It never has the same appearance twice, but always feels familiar to those who have read it. A player who studies the book while focusing on a specific task will be pulled into its pages.
The book can be used to enter a 15-foot-by-15-foot extra-dimensional space that becomes perfectly suited for the desired Knowledge, Profession, or Craft skill check. The space can hold one creature, up to size category Large, at a time. A player can only use the book in a situation where they could otherwise choose to take 10 on a skill check.
The book allows a player to make any Knowledge or Profession skill check untrained. Masterwork tools and pristine texts are readily available and grant a +2 circumstance bonus on any check made inside the space. There are no material components found within. None of the tools or texts may be removed. Only items created in the space may be removed.
The book’s material and design change after every use to better represent the extra-dimensional space that was created. The air surrounding the book changes, and a corresponding scent is generated (i.e. the unique smell of an ancient library when seeking facts lost to time or varying herbs and smoke when completing alchemical processes.)
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Breadth of Experience, rope trick, masterwork transformation; Cost 5,000 gp
Well I now have more dots than not in the Top 32 threads. I will be back after I finish dotting the others, but thanks to those who are doing this already. :)
Arc Rider Armor, electric
Aura moderate evocation and transmutation; CL 6th
Slot armor; Price 13,750 gp; Weight 30 lbs.
Description
With one shoulder open and a sweeping blue metallic bolt for a pauldron on the other, this +2 expeditious breastplate skitters with tiny electric bolts.
Attacks and effects dealing electricity damage cause the armor’s wearer to lift off the ground in a bright blue arc of energy. This electric bolt buzzes thunderously as it shakes the ground and lasts 1 round for every die of the effect.
While the blue energy fills the area below her, the wearer hovers 15 ft. in the air. She gains a speed of 60 ft. and may ignore terrain if it is less than 5 ft. tall. She can pass over creatures Large size or smaller during her movement. Any creature whose square the arc passes through takes 3d6 points of electricity damage. A successful Reflex save (DC 14) halves this damage. Targets in metal armor suffer a -3 penalty to this save. The arc can only deal damage to each target once per round, no matter how many times the wearer’s movement takes it over a target creature.
When using the expeditious ability of the armor, the wearer may choose to ignite the arc and gain its hovering effect to ignore terrain. This does not increase her speed or grant the electricity damage. The wearer is treated as always having a running start when jumping while either arc is active.
Traveling over water immediately grounds the arc ending its effects. Effects granting resistance to electricity end the arc and affect the wearer as the slow spell for 1d3 rounds (no save).
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, air step, expeditious retreat, lightning bolt; Cost 7,050 gp
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
The following item critiques are just my opinion, and please note the distinct lack of Top X tags next to my name. When voting, I look for three main things: design space, potential for abuse, and interesting subject matter.
Design space often means “Should this item have been designed at all?” “Is this a good design space to exploit?” Past contestants have made many poor design choices over the years (myself included), and many of these traps have been covered in previous snarking and critiquing threads, so that if the designer had bothered to research past contests, they couldn’t have helped but realize they should have scrapped the item and started over.
Potential for abuse is just what it sounds like. If I can look at your item and come up with three ways to break the game by the second paragraph, then something is seriously wrong.
Interesting subject matter is totally subjective to my personal gaming tastes. Probably, this shouldn’t even be a consideration concerning the abilities of the designer, but it is.
Ugh…souls. Already dreading this.
Always at least one soul trapping item per year, very rarely a good idea.
Whoa those are a lot of required spells! Wait, you disappear into the sword for an hour? What’s the point of that? To pretend you’ve died? What’s the rest of the party supposed to do for an hour, twiddle their thumbs and run down their buffing spells? What’s stopping some bad guy from picking up the sword and running off with it…I mean, you?
Fancy sword that lets me convert my fear spell (4th level) into a mass greater heroism spell (what would that be…10th level?). That has huge abuse potential.
One of two crawling hand/Thing items. I kept hoping they’d both show up at once and they could shake on it. This is basically a monster-in-a-can that can deliver touch spells for you. They already exist in the game…they’re called familiars, except this one is gross and can’t really be killed.
How do you thread wood with gold? Do you mean streaked with gold?
I have played many longbow characters over the years and can remember firing on something outside of my first range increment maybe twice. Does this come up for other people more often?
Ugh…souls...already dreading this.
Let’s keep stock of what this item does…blocks teleporting and planar travel, makes incorporeal creatures semi-solid, prevents dying from wounds, and delays after-death effects. I’m not sure what use that third one would have, unless I’m going to use this when the party fighter is down to a dozen hp and I shoot him in the back to prevent expensive raise dead spells. These are just too many effects, and while all related with the soul piercing business, they’re all just too different.
The saving throw DC is pretty low, given the weapon cost, so this ability is only going to trigger on maybe a quarter of the time (and given that that time is when scoring a critical hit against creatures with bite attacks, that isn’t a lot to begin with), but negating a natural attack form is a neat idea.
I’m leery of items that let me harvest a monster’s abilities, though. Some folks will equip this item, and then send their PC on some side quest to find a monster with a special bite attack, just to add the teeth to their fancy club.
I voted for this item many times and am surprised it wasn’t top 32+4. My main concern with it is the idea of a rope expelling gasses. Why deal with the gas mechanic at all, and not just have the skin touching the rope start to harden as the petrification spreads?
Never saw this one in voting. Reading it now, I’m immediately turned off by the back story. The phrase “originally designed by…” has been so overused over the years, and ridiculed mercilessly by voters and judges, that using it here strongly suggests you didn’t take the time to research the competition. Looking past that, items that are more powerful for different RP design choices are very hard to price. Plus, the other abilities of this item make me think this is a creepy stalker’s best friend.
I voted for this one every time it came up. Armour that turns into a concealing cloud that hinders and damages adjacent opponents—awesome! I honestly don’t understand why this item was not top 32+4. When it’s a cyclone, you give up the roughly 25% reduction in being hit (from the +5 AC bonus) for a 20% miss chance that is vulnerable to things like seeking properties and the requirement that you stay motionless in exchange for this awesome cloud. I don’t think the addition of the alchemical silver component was necessary and it just seems finicky, and the power of this armour is increased by simple effects like the wearer being under an enlarge person (makes the cyclone bigger, too), which makes pricing a headache. Also, there’s the issue of can the user see his opponents through the cyclone, which you should have addressed with either a yes or no. Still, Like the Living Copperthread Net, I think you were robbed.
I saw this item more than any other in voting (probably at least 20 times), and I voted for it more than half of them. You went with an unlimited use item, which is fine, but that (correctly) drove up your price into the range where any enemies you face at the level you can afford this item will be auto-passing the DC 14 Will save, especially those pesky casters who are the real target of this coin. Plus, at that level, you’re going to be getting hit for at least 20 or 30 points of damage at a time, making those Fort saves to not cry out very difficult to make. Making the item a once per day thing would allow you to drop the price dramatically and fit better with the types of enemies you could face with this.
I never saw this one in voting. Reading it now, I would have been immediately turned off by the dial-an-effect syndrome, but that’s a personal pet peeve of mine, and not universally shared by the voters. Yes, the abilities are all connected, but almost each and every one of them is a SIAC or monster-ability-IAC.
Every time I saw this, I assumed this would be some sort of manacle situation, then remembered no, it’s armour. I have a few issues with the description sentence, preferring instead if the chains were simply identified as “kyton chains”, and there shouldn’t be anything in the description about the chains moving, unless they are always moving. What happens if I find this suit of armour sitting in a dragon’s treasure hoard? If the chains start going snaky on me as I approach it, I’ll just move the other way, thanks.
I love that you used the existing grapple and reposition mechanics instead of inventing new, and you specified the stats for the chains, realizing that grappled enemies attacking the chains themselves is a likely outcome. I’d rather you had just made the main ability twice per day and not added the last two options, however, to give you a tighter theme. Plus the image of the chains carrying you around reminds me of some movie or comic book character, but I can’t think of which one.
I never saw this one in voting.
Get rid of the “crafted in the memory of…” line altogether. If I had seen your item during voting, I’d have stopped reading right there and moved to the other item. No backstory.
This item moves traps???????? That’s fine if it’s a snare trap or a bear trap, but what about some big swinging axe trap built into a wall? It moves the big axe and all the mechanisms that have been built into the dungeon, altering the inside of the dungeon walls purely on my whim? And this item gets more powerful as I add enhancement (not enchantment) bonuses? This sounds like a magic item that really wants to be a class ability.
This is another monster ability/grappling item. For some reason, it doesn’t have the same wow factor as the hell’s restraints. I do like the grab an item off the ground bit, but this item is like you’re trying to combine several monster abilities. Everything it does can be duplicated by a different monster ability: tentacles are like tentacles, the picking up items is like a prehensile tail, the repositioning bit is a like a giant frog tongue, and the water breathing is water breathing. Yes, you tied them all in with a theme, but the item still feels like dial-an-effect.
Okay, no punches pulled. When my wizard decides to manufacture a pile of these to sell at the local magic craft fair, do they all have to have “Progress now, progress forever” engraved on the inside? What happens if I engrave “Teedle dee teedle doo, Wow it really sucks to be you!” instead? Do I have to artificially age the metal, or does the enchanting do that for me?
Description aside, here we have an item that messes with action economy, which is automatically super hard mode. You are smart to steal move actions (instead of standard), and no actual time is lost or gained, just transferred. However, making the activation a move action is a big no-no.
Then the last paragraph is just convoluted. I get that you’re trying to rules-lawyer the corner cases, and kudos to you for recognizing and trying to do that, but the end result just falls flat. If A happens, nothing happens, if B happens, somebody is sickened, if I want to, I can change where the hands are pointing, even though you said earlier I can only use this item once per day and the phantasmal hands stop once I first orient the hands. I’m not sure what to recommend as a solution, however. In addition, the whole item feels slightly meta-gamey.
P.S., 5,400 x 2 does not equal 11,000.
This is the shield of permanent concealment. You attack as your standard action, then do nothing with your move action, which gives you concealment until your next attack, after which you do nothing with your move action and get your concealment back. On the upside, it gives those people who complain about sword-and-board fighting styles something to celebrate. I have no issues with the second ability at all, but if that’s all your item had been, it would have been a basic and boring SIAC, which also would not have helped your case.
I saw this one a lot in voting, and voted for it regularly. “Below half their full hit points” is meta-gamey and gives the GM extra work, since he now has to check on the status of every creature you target with this.
The whole tuning into a giant mosquito is a nasty ability, which you balance by making it once per week (so probably once a module, twice tops). The rope pulling the target in closer each round does remind me of a fishing pole (I can almost picture the party joking “Give the ogre some line, tire him out, somebody get a net!”), and (this is a minor point) you don’t have to specify the additional point of bleed damage. Bleed damage, by its nature of being bleed damage, happens every round (unless you mean that the bleed damage increases by one each round, which is a bad idea since bleed damage so very rarely stacks with itself).
Not a fan of items that require me to have two of them to activate the additional effect. How do you price that? Do I go to the magic item store on BOGO days?
Of course, the template is spot on (links and all), as would be expected from Template Fu, though there are few grammatical things going on (second sentence in the description is just a fragment, say “experiences” instead of “is subject to”, don’t use “they” and “their” pronouns).
I don’t think you’ve used too many words, I think you’ve thought your item through, realized the parts that may cause confusion or be open to abuse, and you’ve attended to them. You have broken your item into manageable paragraphs, each of which addresses one element of the item. People who complain that this is too many words need to branch out beyond graphic novels and try a real book someday.
Backstory. Only 11 words of it, but still backstory. At this point in voting, I had already switched to read the other item in the pair, before coming back to this one.
My main problem with this item is that you have a described a new type of weapon (that’s fine), and the things you can do with it, none of which seem like they have to at all magical. If this entry had appeared in a list of mundane equipment (minus the bit about them moving on their own), I would just have thought that that is a neat exotic weapon, maybe a little over-powered, and if it had appeared as some monk archetype’s special ability, I would have thought nothing amiss. In many ways, I’m also not sure if this is a weapon or a wondrous item that can be used to inflict damage under a special set of circumstances.
I never saw this one in voting. Reading it now, I would say get rid of the “but otherwise appears” part. Why describe a neat visual element of your magic item, and then instantly negate its wonder?
Magical incantation? We call those command words. Fluffy talk is for the physical description, not the mechanics.
After that, this is basically a duo-SIAC—book of magic items worthy, but not Superstar.
I never saw this in voting, but if I had, I would have already switched to read the other item, just from the title alone (as well as the lack of formatting).
Okay, the pendulum for description text has swung way too far the other way for you this year. Once I sort through all the unnecessary description (I want to know what your bow looks like, and maybe feels like to use, I don’t want to dissect it, and I certainly don’t want to know which single mythic figure it was crafted for—I want my wizard character to be able to make this for his fighter buddy), it seems to be an adaptive +2 composite longbow with a permanent gravity bow, the very model of a modern major SIAC (also, you don’t have to specify that the troll sinew allows the weapon to adapt itself to the strength of its wielder, that’s what the adaptive special ability is for).
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! ! You can’t do this!!! This is not a +2 menacing dagger, this is a +2 my-rogue-can-almost-always-get-his-sneak-attack-to-activate-no-matter-what- and-screw-you-Pathfinder-designers-I-fixed-the-rogue-class-for-you dagger. All the details about what the dagger can do and what type of damage it does is completely irrelevant next to what it allows your rogue character to do. This is a design space that should be avoided at all costs.
Reading the title, I’m expecting some gloves that allow you to Snatch Arrows, but against incoming spells, probably allowing you to throw them back. I’m already dreading the description.
But I’m pleasantly surprised that you’re just playing with the held charge mechanic. However, this item does basically let you multiply the spells you cast beyond pearls of power or rings of wizardry. For example, you mention invisibility. Breaking that spell up into 1 minute chunks magnifies the power of the spell to an insane amount. Invisibility ends when you attack somebody. Normally, that means you’ve wasted 4.5 minutes worth of potential duration at 5th level, which is what helps balance the spell (as opposed to improved invisibility, which doesn’t end with an attack, but only lasts 1 round/level). Now I put on these gloves, and I don’t have 1 invisibility spell with 4.5 minutes of wasted duration, I have 5 with maybe 30 seconds waster duration each, or I have a mass version of invisibility that I can use on the whole party, all for just a single 2nd level spell. I haven’t gone through a whole spell list, but there have to be even higher level examples of spells that can become horribly broken with these gloves (polymorph, greater to give 13 people the ability to turn into a large fire elemental for 1 minute with just a single spell.
The idea of an item that lets you hold a charge and cast another spell with a concentration check is fine, great, and dandy, but just that alone would probably not be Superstar. Unfortunately, this primary ability is horribly gonzo.
I never saw this one in voting. Reading through now, it seems to be a suit of armour that allows a ranged drag maneuver (with slightly different mechanics) and then allows an ally with a Teamwork feat (that the wearer also has to have) to have an extra standard action at some point. I get the theme you’re going with (twin stars collide to make a black hole, twin stars represent the wearer and his ally), but those abilities are really unrelated.
I think you are way too hard on yourself here! This is the first item I’ve ever seen in four seasons of voting that I had any actual interest in acquiring for one of my characters! Yes, it’s a thunder and lightning item (see a million of those), yes it’s a flying item (seen a million of those), yes putting the two together isn’t original either (I think there are a couple in this season’s contest alone, including the top 32’s rocket shoes for horsies, which I also loved despite the humorous image of the poor horse going up in the air like a Saturn rocket), but the image of using the Acrobatics skill in place of the Fly skill…love, love love! I can so picture this, and I can picture my favourite monk character strapping these on. Maybe there’s some hideous rules exploit I’m not seeing here, but as far as I’m concerned, you should be submitting a map for round 2.
“Favored by…” and I’m already reading the other item. After coming back to it, I find a once-per-day invisibility spell…and only against lawful creatures. It sounds like this item would be perfect for that one historical situation you offered in the second (second!?!?!) paragraph of backstory.
Swift action activations are usually problematic, but I actually like it here. I have no problems with the item at all until the 50% chance of it casting heat metal which is unnecessary, although I think I would prefer the item only being able to run through three cycles a day, but give it more than 1 or 2 points of fire damage. For that price point, I’d be fine with +1d6 and +2d6, with 5d6 on the critical. That would make it better than a +5 weapon (since this ability is better than standard flaming burst), so the price would have to reflect that; currently you have this item priced exactly as a +6 heavy mace, so I think for that money, you can get a little more flame for your gold piece.
This item is like a weapon that harvests a monster ability to use later, but for settlements. I don’t know the ruleset you’re employing at all, but my concern would be that using this item would allow a PC to attune the coin to some settlement that has a really beneficial modifier for his build, then keep using it everywhere he goes, kind of like an item that allowed an urban ranger to treat any community as a favoured one. But, I don’t know the ruleset, so if that isn’t a possible concern, feel free to ignore it, and all I’ll add is that the item is very niche, and voters who don’t use that ruleset might be turned off by it.
So this is an item that makes you invisible, and then puts the whammy on anybody who sees through it. In a way, the true power of the item is the curse, not the invisibility, since at that price point, you will encounter a good number of enemies with constant true seeing or the magical means to see an invisible creature. It’s like you’re taunting your enemies, making yourself invisible, just so they’ll be able to see through it and get a nasty whammy with no save, which, in effect, makes this item a mobile trap you wear around your neck.
This item also prevents your allies from safely using their own true seeing, unfortunately.
Yikes, the wording of this item is awkward to say the least, making it difficult to figure out what the item actually does. I have no idea what a difficulty check or Break DC 16 even mean. Let me try a quick re-wording into Pathfinder-friendly language to see if it clarifies the item’s function for me.
This blown-glass jar, sealed with a metal lid, contains five fireflies, which provide spectacular illumination and a continuous source of light.
If the fireflies are released from the jar, they transform into five small flying beetles (treat as small fire elementals) under the wielder’s control, with the following alterations: melee slam +4 (1d4 fire damage plus burst) and special attack: burst (1d8+8, DC 11 for half). The beetles continue to attack their target until recalled back to the jar.
If the jar is thrown as a bomb or sundered (hardness 1, 2 hp), it breaks, detonating in a 20-foot radius burst, inflicting 1d8+8 points of fire damage for each firefly remaining in the jar. A Reflex save DC 15 reduces this damage by half.
Druids following the goddess of fireflies tend to bee amused by the creation of these jars.
Definitely drop that last sentence. :) As for the rest of the item, it’s kind of like a monster in a can (or in this case, a jar). Also, this seems like a single-use item, and at 24,000 a pop, yowsers!!
If you enter again next season, I’d highly recommend studying up on the Pathfinder rules – the PRD has all that you would need.
Magic items that duplicate/replicate mundane or other magic items are very tricky, because then the power of the item becomes dependant on what you do with it. Duplicating 50 gp items makes it more powerful than duplicating 10 gp items. Notice that there’s nothing about this item that prevents me from using some sort of magic to safely catch the fired projectiles before they hit something, and now I’ve quintupled my investment of alchemist’s fire (or whatever I loaded). I would rather see this as a repeating crossbow with an extra-dimensional space bolt case that allowed you to feed it with a certain number of vials (identical vials to go easy on the bookkeeping), and it would keep firing vials until it ran out.
Honestly, by the time you can afford this weapon, you can buy alchemist’s fire by the caseload, and don’t need it to duplicate anything.
I don’t know the rules for greenwood items, but I’m guessing they tend to take damage from use and can repair themselves somehow. I’m not sure what the value is in causing the weapon to become damaged. Is it to balance it somehow? Essentially, what we have is a wounding weapon with a bunch of fluff to describe the wounding property, and it’s actually weaker than wounding, since the actual wounding property is harder to stop than this effect. To be fair, you did price this lower than a regular +2 wounding club, so perhaps this was on purpose, but in the end, all this is is a +2 wounding club with attached fluff, and not really Superstar because of that.
This item is cute, has a good theme, and its low cost makes it very attractive. Unfortunately, at its core, the item is just a bunch of skill and saving throw bonuses with a drawback that’s easily avoided by not building a character to make much use of Intimidation and fear magic (kind of like having a magic item that makes you good at using an axe, but bad at using a bow—I’d just enjoy my axe and buy a few javelins..).
Page one complete (I think)...
I posted my item on page 2 but I'm really interested in some critique so I'm posting again (mostly due to the fact that others on this thread said we should repost). After reading through some of the comments on other items I would guess that a major criticism of my item is the lack of "flavor". My item doesn't have a "story" or "theme". That was intentional when I was designing it but it might have been a mistake in that RPGSS items are looking for flavor. In any case, I am interested in feedback so I can do better next time!
Fragmenting Quarterstaff
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 28000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This +1/+1 quarterstaff is slightly longer than a standard quarterstaff being a full 6 feet in length. Once per day as a standard action, the wielder may utter a command word which will cause the staff to break into two 3 foot segments or three 2 foot segments at the wielder’s discretion. Each of the segments acts as an animated object and can be thrown up to 20 feet away where it will attack any enemy as directed by the wielder using the wielder’s attack bonus for a quarterstaff, either single or double ended. A 3 foot segment does one-half the damage of the whole quarterstaff and a 2 foot segment does one-third the damage. After 10 rounds the animated segments spend an additional round to return to the wielder where they reform into a single quarterstaff.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects; Cost 14000 gp
The above killed the weapon for me, it feels as if you are unsure of the power level of your item and are hedging your bets. Either use a cool mechanic or strip it all away for a better result.Snowfall
I think you've got something there! With hindsight I was unhappy with that sentence, it does seem 'clunky', not specific enough!
Thank you for your feedback :)
However, making the activation a move action is a big no-no.
First of all, I really do appreciate your feedback.
I'm just not entirely sure what you mean by this. Could I trouble you for further elaboration?
However, making the activation a move action is a big no-no.First of all, I really do appreciate your feedback.
I'm just not entirely sure what you mean by this. Could I trouble you for further elaboration?
Activating a wondrous item should be a standard action, unless there's a very good reason for it to be something else, usually a swift action for some minor effect, or immediate for a reactive, defensive item. Making the activation a move action essentially allows you to do two things in a round. Forcing the player to choose an action for a round is part of the strategy of combat, and allowing them a cop out, while what we might often want as a player, isn't the best design.
Speaking as someone who has submitted move action items in the past, I can tell you that the judges don't like it.
|
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
|
Jar of Captured Nightmares
Aura minor enchantment and evocation, moderate illusion; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 4,900 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
When uncovered the jar’s contents reduce light as a darkness spell. Those who look into the jar see writhing shapes, that at one moment seems to be a tentacle trying to burst its glass prison, a coiled taxidermy snake that blinks, or dozens skittering legs that obscure what is certain to be a hideous central body.
The jar can be thrown as a splash weapon, on a hit the target must succeed a Will Save DC 15 with a -5 penalty or immediately fall asleep for 1 minute as deep slumber and is subject to the nightmare spell. The target takes damage from the nightmare once per round, and upon waking is fatigued.
As long as the target sleeps the creature emanates a 60 ft. radius of deeper darkness. Anyone inside the area of deeper darkness also experiences the nightmare phantasms of the target of the jar, with no penalty to the Will Save to avoid the damage, this is a mind-effecting, illusion effect with the fear descriptor.
If the attack roll misses, the jar breaks and releases deeper darkness for one round centered upon the square it hits before dispersing. If the target succeeds the initial Will Save then the jar breaks and releases the deeper darkness effect for one round centered on the target, before dispersing.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, deeper darkness, deep slumber, nightmare; Cost 2,450 gp
Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
|
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Page 1 Critiques:
Hard to spend over 100k on a +1 weapon, would have been better to have been a bit more expensive and at least +3, also then you could have probably dropped impervious as well (hardness and hp would go up from the enhancement). Shouldn’t need to list the threat range or hardness/hp (I think I made the same mistake with my item on the hardness/hp).
Lots of people don’t care for soul based items, or things with giant price tags.
Items shouldn’t say exactly who made them (anyone with the appropriate feats, that can make craft DC’s can make items, prereqs like spells and cl can be ignore by increasing the DC, only the crafting feat can’t be).
This item leaves me many questions, what about traps that take up more than a square (most pit traps), what about traps that fire out of walls (they have to be placed in the ground?), I think this concept is a bit hard to pull off in only 300 words, and might be too complex for an item.
I also can’t think of an item published by Paizo that refers to effects on the item’s enhancement changing.
"five small flying beetles of flame, use statistics for small fire elementals under the control of the person who opened the jar. When the beetles successfully strike with their slam they explode dealing 1d8+8 fire damage to the target, a successful DC 11 reflex save halves this damage..."
The price is also way too high for what appears to be a one use item. Anyone that can afford a 24,000 gp consumable can nearly afford a scroll of wish, and having things that make attacks at +4 and have dc 11 saves aren't even close to competitive. I hope this is helpful for the future.
Hmm.
I'm not sure how many people will end up critiquing my item, but thanks to the people that have already. I can tell now that I kinda butchered my wording a lot, so I'll have to work on that next year. Also make something much less spell-in-a-can-y.
"Tentacles" are monster effect? ._.; Grabbing things being better version of prehensile tail I admit, but that confuses me
Also, giant frogs can't reposition with their tongue, they grab stuff at range. Is that really too close?
I just meant that those things were very "monster-y", like I could imagine all of those abilities being given to monsters. Tentacles are a monster thing. The giant frog reference was just an analogy, as that's what I imagined when I pictured the PC using the item that way.
It's only my opinion, but I generally don't like monster-ability items, since it's a design space that's been done to death over the years, especially tentacles. I'm in the "give me something new, not cribbed from the Bestiary" camp--it might be a camp of one, but we still like to party.
Fragmenting Quarterstaff
I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine! Canary's Mining Helmet I feel your pain from page 3.
I like this item, and I know I voted it up at least twice. My only criticisms come in the variability of its nature and how it plays with math. As a quarterstaff, it would do 1d6 base damage(divided by either 2 or 3). I'm not sure if that's what you meant, or if you intended it to do 2d6 damage(1d6 per side of the double weapon). If you intended 1d6 each, maybe something along the lines of "breaks into 2 or 3 +1 clubs that can..."
I like the variability conceptually, but it makes the math messy, which is the one big turnoff for me. It's that 1/3 that kills me. Im not sure how to fix it though. I guess if it was a Sansetsuken(Three Section Staff) from the eastern rules, but then it it's weird to break it in 2. Maybe the "breaks into clubs" could fix this too?
Also, I think the Dancing weapon ability would have worked better for what you wanted. Dancing does exactly what you asked for and even uses animate objects as its spell requirement. Since it's a weapon and not a Wonderous item, I think it's definitely the way to go.
I really liked the flavore of this item, Im building a Friar Tuck monk now and I'll probably steal it. It's just the mechanics that tripped me up a bit.
I hope this is helpful! Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further!
Fragmenting Quarterstaff
I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine! Canary's Mining Helmet I feel your pain from page 3.
I like this item, and I know I voted it up at least twice. My only criticisms come in the variability of its nature and how it plays with math. As a quarterstaff, it would do 1d6 base damage(divided by either 2 or 3). ...
Thanks so much for your comments! I am glad that you liked the concept. It is interesting to me that the math/mechanics were confusing. They are so clear in my mind. :-) Yet as you started describing it I could easily see how what I wrote would be confusing. It's a good thing I didn't go with my original idea that the staff could be split into and combination of 1, 2, 3, or 4 foot segments.
Canary's Mining Helmet comments coming soon.
Canary's Mining Helmet
The visuals were great and descriptive. I can just imagine a burly dwarf all decked out in heavy armor and formidible weapons wearing this rusted tin helmet with a cute little bird in it.
I liked the fact that it seemed not too different than a real life mining canary (detecting poisonous/flammable gas). However, I wanted to see what other things this little guy did that made it more than a mundane item. Honestly I felt a little disappointed that the only other ability was detect metal. I'm not sure that that spell has a lot of use. Maybe it would have been fun if the canary had a screech attack. It would be hilarious if this little yellow canary would suddenly emit a loud shriek startling the enemy.
Also, I wondered what would happen to the canary when poisonous gas was encountered. After emitting the chirping sound would it die?
I'm going to keep this item in the back of my mind and probably use it in a future adventure with my group. I think they would love how fun it is.
Wing of the Night Monarch
Lot's of template errors :-)
Just kidding, but the main problem of this entry is that you need two fans for it to work.
So either make it a pair and then your second power makes sense or delete the second power entirely.
So lack of focus on the item itself killed you + the links to the PRD :-)
Just to be clear:
If I liked your item, it is awesome and the public was wrong in their final judgement (but you already know that).
If I respond to your item, it has 'something' and could be salvaged.
If I don't respond, I don't have anything nice to offer.
Blackthorn Cudgel
I don’t know the rules for greenwood items, but I’m guessing they tend to take damage from use and can repair themselves somehow. I’m not sure what the value is in causing the weapon to become damaged. Is it to balance it somehow? Essentially, what we have is a wounding weapon with a bunch of fluff to describe the wounding property, and it’s actually weaker than wounding, since the actual wounding property is harder to stop than this effect. To be fair, you did price this lower than a regular +2 wounding club, so perhaps this was on purpose, but in the end, all this is is a +2 wounding club with attached fluff, and not really Superstar because of that.
Yes, the mechanism for greenwood items details how they repair damage. I think I got too immersed in the mechanics of that and lost track of the impact on the item's usefulness. I needed to drop the price because it ended up playing like a downgraded +2 wounding club. As you point out, that's not really superstar-level. I still like the imagery, but I think I see why it didn't get further. I did better than I thought I would on my first try, but I'll have to do better next year.
Thanks for the helpful feedback!
Page 1 Critiques:
Blackthorn Cudgel
*Typically only the most important school is listed in an item's aura. Slot should say none not no. The weight should have a period at the end (to show abbreviation of lbs.). The first sentence should start: "This +2 wounding greenwood club". Always try to follow the format of items from the Core Rule Book as best as you can. drop the In this case (all of these items are crafted this way). You don't need to specify that the bleed damage is hit point damage (only if it is a different type of damage as bleed defaults to hp damage). You can drop the or standard action (one can always take a move action instead of a standard). Having this item take 25 points of damage is problematic as it would normally be broken at 13 damage and destroyed at 25 damage (5 base hp for a club, +20 for the +2 enhancement bonus). This also seems strange that it takes damage when the thorns re-grow, not when they break off.
Thanks for the detailed notes. I had no idea there were so many details I missed. I think my wording for damage points taken and repaired was a real problem with lots of voters. I tried a variety of different methods and ran out of time before I found a really good one. Lesson learned - I'll start earlier next year!
Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
My take on the items (1st batch)
Soulrazor : VERY powerful primary ability, almost on par with a Final Blade (and those are artifacts), and then you add a really too good secondary ability that turns the item in a SAK. Even the high price is not enough to offset all this.
Lion's Roar : Workshopped item that did improve markedly from the version I first saw. Congrats on this. I still think you overused a bit the image of the lion and sadly it was a meme this season. Also, the final version feels a bit like a Paladin in a can. I do not know if that was a consciously chosen theme, but it did detract from your item's originality.
Glove of the Severed Servant : This was the only workshopped item on my Keep list. I ranked it even above the items of several Top32 which I upvoted consistently. You made it better than the first version I saw and clearly took workshopping comments into account. Even the name is better. And I love the last part you added in case of the wearer's death. Great item all around.
Green Flash : The one I dubbed the double IP infringement because of the Green Arrow/Flash association (at least in my mind) ;-) I wanted to downvote it so badly for that but its high quality and great visuals had me upvoting it quite a bit in fact. The fact that its special ability (though powerful) was only once per day weakened it in the end. At least 3 times per day (maybe with a lesser bonus to hit) would have been better in my opinion. Wonderful atmosphere though.
I'll do more items later :-)