This fluffy, white-haired humanoid with bulbous, black eyes, and comb-like antennae, flitters about on moth-like wings.
Mottefey CR 2
XP 600
NG Tiny fey
Init +3; Senses detect evil, see in darkness; Perception +10...
I'm trying to figure out exactly what they look like, I'm picturing tiny anthropomorphic lambs with antennae and moth wings. That obsessed with light ability is pretty cute, and I know at least one PC in my group who would SQUEE for these little fey and ask if she could keep one. I could see some uses as low level allies and sources of information.
It seems odd to me that a creature with see in darkness would need a dancing lantern spell, unless they just make them to veg out and stare at them for a few hours.
A question about obsessed with light. If a mottefey lives in a town with 1 street lamp, does she need to save against it's light every night, or just the very first night she sees it? If she must save again every night, and the town has 20 lamps, how does a mottefey get anything done? How does a mottefey feel about a person who puts out a light they're obsessed with?
Last thing, that descriptive sentence does a decent job of describing your monster, but it has entirely too many commas. The third and fourth are certainly not required. The first comma could probably stay or go, but since the meaning doesn't change much either way I would err on the side of fewer commas. Third comma can stay.
Overall I like it, and would have considered voting for it had I seen it in RPGSS
Mottefey CR 2
I really like the image and theme of this critter. I think it pulls off the cute monster idea quite effectively, and you keep to the moth-in-the-lamp theme very well.
My biggest issue with this critter is that it is essentially useless from a GM's perspective. Its damage output is basically nonexistent, it's vulnerable to fire, and its attracted to light to the point of interfering with its participation in any kind of encounter. I think that an effective good-aligned monster is one that stands to serve as an effective ally to PCs, or one whose perceptions of its alignment sometimes contradict those of the PCs, making it a complex opponent. This creature does neither of those. The only reason I would use mottefey in my game is for descriptive flavor, and I don't need a stat block for that.
In a similar vein, although the core stats seem balanced, the mottefey's utter lack of damaging or other offensive abilities renders its CR basically moot.
If you kept the same moth-fey theme but gave this more punch somehow, I think it would be a strong contender.
A question about obsessed with light. If a mottefey lives in a town with 1 street lamp, does she need to save against it's light every night, or just the very first night she sees it? If she must save again every night, and the town has 20 lamps, how does a mottefey get anything done? How does a mottefey feel about a person who puts out a light they're obsessed with?
Thanks for the critique. Most of your assumptions are correct. They look like an anthropomorphic one of these or these.
The dancing lantern spell was a late addition and I added it to allow the creature to leave with a lantern they were obsessed with or watching for the presence of Lurkers without having to carry it. A lantern may be too heavy for them. I wish the spell had some rules (a saving throw or something) for a lantern in control of another, but I didn't write the spell.
The mottefey becomes obsessed with the light, and not the source item, so yes, each time a lantern is lit it requires a new save. This does not mean that the mottfey will come to within 20 feet of a light. I probably should have written in a line about the mottefey being aware of their potential to be obsessed and that they might avoid getting close enough to the lights to become so. I do however picture a certain number of them to be "addicts" or to accidentally become obsessed on occasion. They can watch lights from further than 20 feet without risking obsession and even use their spell-like abilities to lessen the effects of a given light if they want to. Since city street lanterns are "spaced 60 feet apart" and "secondary streets and alleys are not lit," they should have plenty of places to hide with their +15 Stealth. Flying above if nothing else. I could have used some more words to describe this though. Any suggestion on what to cut? Or maybe I just need some rewriting in the descriptive text?
If the light a mottefey is obsessed with is put out, I would have them they flee immediately since they are weak and ordinarily shy. But I probably could have done a better job of alluding to that.
And, you are totally right about the commas. Thanks and I'm glad you liked it.
My biggest issue with this critter is that it is essentially useless from a GM's perspective.
Yeah, I get that it is not a combative creature, but it was not meant to be. It is meant to be an ally, but in a information gathering role rather than a combat ally. Or as a guide around the city. I did try to balance it with a high attack bonus for its CR but low damage output. It's spell-like abilities are a bit above its CR though none are really combative in nature. Their hitpoints are low, but their SR and DR makes up for this. Would increasing their Sneak Attack to 2d6 help?
I did at one point have an ability that made a target creature obsessed with a light as well, but I cut it for space and tried to boost other areas.
Yeah, I get that it is not a combative creature, but it was not meant to be. I is meant to be an ally, but in a information gathering role rather than a combat ally. Or as a guide around the city. I did try to balance it with a high attack bonus for its CR but low damage output. It's spell-like abilities are a bit above its CR though none are really combative in nature. Their hitpoints are low, but their SR and DR makes up for this. Would increasing their Sneak Attack to 2d6 help?
I did at one point have an ability that made a target creature obsessed with a light as well, but I cut it for space and tried to boost other areas.
I figured this wasn't designed to be a combat monster, but without some kind of effectiveness in an encounter scenario I don't think many GMs are going to want to use this critter (at the very least they won't need a full stat block). Even information-gathering friendly monsters usually have some kind of nifty ability for when trouble brews. I would look at the lantern archon and other CR 2 monsters that sometimes function as familiars for a base monster.
Sneak attacks do offset the damage output somewhat, but the creature's lack of reach make their utility in battle very limited. Plus I'm just not feeling sneak attacks as in-keeping with the rest of the monster's theme. Sneak attacks always have an air of callousness no matter who is using them, since you're attacking an opponent's weak points, and mottefey seem nice and not backstabby to me. It's also challenging to balance attack vs. damage with low-level monsters; my timberjiff used the same logic as your mottefey and got slammed for not dishing out enough hurt (admittedly, the timberjiff is more combat-centric than the mottefey, but it was designed to be a nuisance, not a fatal threat). The fact is that hitting more often than not doesn't really matter if you're only hitting for 1 point of damage per round.
Maybe instead of its current sneak attack and special abilities, you could come up with some kind of original light-based special attack that fits not only the mottefey, but also its origins as prey of lurkers in light. Some kind of glitterdust-type effect that also deals damage over time, perhaps (I'm thinking of the powder that comes off a moth's wings when you hit it with a magazine)? I'm just spitballing, but something to that effect might give it some bite.
Wow this thread is moving and many submissions have already gotten a fair number of critiques. To avoid beating dead horses, has anyone thought of doing a tracking doc, like the one made for the Critique My Item thread? I'd find it useful in helping sort through what has and hasn't been commented on. Sadly I know my work schedule precludes me from tackling that monstrous/wondrous task...but I'll through the idea out there.
Sneak attacks do offset the damage output somewhat, but the creature's lack of reach make their utility in battle very limited. Plus I'm just not feeling sneak attacks as in-keeping with the rest of the monster's theme. Sneak attacks always have an air of callousness no matter who is using them, since you're attacking an opponent's weak points, and mottefey seem nice and not backstabby to me.
Good points. I forgot that a Tiny creature can't flank and that does limit Sneak Attack a great deal. I don't have a big problem with the mottefey having sneak attack as they are the type to hide in shadows and take their shots where they can get them, but I can see your side too. And it is very weak on a Tiny creature so it probably should be replaced.
I don't however want to give them a light based ability. I picture them as creatures of darkness who are good, just as Lurkers in the Light are creatures of light who are evil. I gave them Dancing Lantern more for a way to move light sources than to use light. It's other 1/day SP abilities hamper light and protect them from it. Maybe I would give them darkness or deeper darkness and maybe an ability that allows them a damage bonus (or Sneak Attack damage) against creatures effectively blinded by darkness.
I'm not sure I will post a revision, but your comments have definitely helped me to see where it needs revising. Thanks.
Chris is right, and I didn't even think about that. The Mottefey can't flank because it has 0 reach, which means it's opportunities to sneak attack will be even more limited. I also think the idea of shaking some sort of fairy dust off its wings could be neat as an offensive ability, and make it even more cute.
As far as what to cut, I might just make the light obsession last for a shorter period of time than all night. A few minutes maybe? I realize that probably lacks some of the punch you were going for with the ability though. The bottom line is if they're interacting with humanoids much at night, there are going to be light sources everywhere.
Annalist Bindings
Aura faint illusion and divination; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 8,000 gp; Weight —
Description
These crimson leather bound cover forms a binding for a historical tome. The spine is split centrally for the length, resulting in two separate book covers, caused when they were ripped from the original edition of the Historical Annals of Cheliax.
Placing both covers on any edition of the same historical tome allows the reader to discern any differences between the original text and the text currently bound between the covers.
Placing the covers over two editions of the same tome will allow the reader of the tome sporting the back cover to discern the changes between it and the tome with the front cover.
Placing...
As the top-32 guy who used the unfortunate special ability name "Taint Liquor" for my monster entry, I wonder if using the term 'annal' is a good idea as it will lead to all sorts of sophomoric jokes due to being similar to the word 'anal'.
Probably not the type of feedback you are looking for.
No problem, Nickolas! I'm glad my comments were helpful, and I hope I didn't come across as overly harsh: I like the mottefey and I'd like to see it make the cut should you make the monster round next year!
Annalist Bindings
I'm afraid I won't be much help in reviewing this item/organization, Anthony. I'm only vaguely acquainted with Cheliax and don't know how to best utilize or evaluate a campaign-specific item written for it. The formatting looks pretty clear, but given my rough understanding of the designated setting I got lost a couple times trying to follow exactly what the item does (I wound up referring back to your concept entry back on the first page of the thread). I think the more general you can make the item's description, the more digestible it will be.
Here's another item I cooked up last week, but decided I won't use for my entry next year. Let me know what you think!
Aura strong transmutation; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 24,500 gp; Weight –
Description
This fist-sized blue glass bottle constantly sweats cold water. A conical shard of ice stoppers the opening.
When the contents of a cryogenic phial are imbibed by a Medium or smaller creature, the drinker rapidly freezes from the inside out. This functions as a poison (ingested; save Fortitude DC 22; frequency 1/round for 10 rounds; effect 2d4 Dex; cure 2 consecutive saves), except that the drinker may elect to willingly fail its Fortitude saves. Once the drinker’s Dexterity is reduced to 0, the freezing expands beyond the drinker’s body, encasing it inside of a human-shaped shell of ice. Large or larger drinkers suffer the phial’s poison effect, but are not encased in ice upon reaching 0 Dexterity. Drinking the phial’s contents consumes the item.
As long as it remains inside the ice shell, the drinker’s body is cryogenically preserved as per the temporal stasis spell. The ice shell is functionally identical to an ice golem with the advanced and giant simple templates. Once created, the shell obeys a single telepathic order of 25 words or less from the phial’s drinker to the best of its ability until it is destroyed. If the drinker does not command the shell when it is created, the shell seeks out the nearest isolated lair and remains there until destroyed. The shell always tries to defend and preserve itself unless specifically commanded to do otherwise by the drinker.
Destroying the shell releases the creature stored within, which emerges unconscious with 0 Dexterity and nonlethal cold damage equal to its full hit point total.
Construction
Requirements Craft Construct, Craft Wondrous Item, elemental body IV, temporal stasis; Cost 12,250 gp
I took another crack at my leviathan gloves, which is now the whalebone cape. It's still a simple item, and I kept the same 3 abilities as my goal with the item was to pretend to be a whale and capsize ships because that still sounds like fun to me.
Whalebone Cape
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot shoulders; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This oily black cape is made of smooth whale skin stretched over long strips of baleen. Donning it causes the wearer to gain a thin layer of blubber, their forearms to enlarge, and chest to expand significantly.
Once a day the wearer may strike the surface of a body of water with both hands and make a combat maneuver check as the capsize monster ability against a boat in the same body of water within 30 feet. For the purpose of assessing penalties on this check the wearer is considered to be two sizes larger, to a maximum of Huge sized.
The increased muscle mass in the arms also grants the wearer a swim speed of 30 feet, and the enlarged chest cavity allows the wearer to hold its breath for longer periods of time, granting the hold breath monster ability.
Construction
Requirements animal aspect, greater, control water, enlarge person; Cost 8,000 gp
I took another crack at my leviathan gloves, which is now the whalebone cape. It's still a simple item, and I kept the same 3 abilities as my goal with the item was to pretend to be a whale and capsize ships because that still sounds like fun to me.
Whalebone Cape
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot shoulders; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This oily black cape is made of smooth whale skin stretched over long strips of baleen. Donning it causes the wearer to gain a thin layer of blubber, their forearms to enlarge, and chest to expand significantly.Once a day the wearer may strike the surface of a body of water with both hands and make a combat maneuver check as the capsize monster ability against a boat in the same body of water within 30 feet. For the purpose of assessing penalties on this check the wearer is considered to be two sizes larger, to a maximum of Huge sized.
The increased muscle mass in the arms also grants the wearer a swim speed of 30 feet, and the enlarged chest cavity allows the wearer to hold its breath for longer periods of time, granting the hold breath monster ability.
Construction
Requirements animal aspect, greater, control water, enlarge person; Cost 8,000 gp
Some formatting changes I'd make: "Once per day the wearer may strike the surface of a body of water with both hands and make a combat maneuver check to capsize a vessel within 30 feet and in the same body of water, as per the capsize monster ability. The wearer is considered to be two sizes larger, to a maximum of Huge sized, for the purpose of assessing penalties on this check."
"The increased muscle mass in the arms grants the wearer a swim speed of 30 feet, and the enlarged chest cavity allows the wearer to hold its breath for longer periods of time, granting it the hold breath monster ability."
I would also use a singular pronoun such as "he or "she" to refer to the solitary wearer in the first paragraph instead of "their."
Aside from that, this is a really quality item. Nice work!
Cryogenic Phial ...
Huh, interesting item. I'm not sure what I'd do with it as a PC, but I could see using it as a GM for some interesting story characters, which makes it sort of plotty.
As far as the price and construction go, it looks like you took the price of an Ice Golem and added 6000 gp for a single use of temporal stasis. I think that might undervalue this item by a bit, since the golem get's two templates applied, and temporal statis has a 5000 gp component cost that appears to be missing. I assume the elemental body IV was chosen because adding all the spells from the golem's creation would give you a cumbersome total of 6 spells, but that might be a controversial choice.
Pricing and construction spells are tough to configure, so I can't say for sure, but I think you need to add on at least another 5k for the material components and maybe a little more for getting a better than average ice golem.
Huh, interesting item. I'm not sure what I'd do with it as a PC, but I could see using it as a GM for some interesting story characters, which makes it sort of plotty.
This is exactly why I decided not to keep it for next year. The only thing I could see a PC using this for is force-feeding it to a creature to keep it imprisoned, but even that would only work if the creature didn't know it could give its shell a telepathic command. Aside from that, this is largely a story item.
As far as the price and construction go, it looks like you took the price of an Ice Golem and added 6000 gp for a single use of temporal stasis. I think that might undervalue this item by a bit, since the golem get's two templates applied, and temporal statis has a 5000 gp component cost that appears to be missing.
Good catch, I totally missed the material component. I lowered the price due it it being a consumable, but I agree that it's a little undershot thanks to the templates. I'll bump it up to 35K or so.
I assume the elemental body IV was chosen because adding all the spells from the golem's creation would give you a cumbersome total of 6 spells, but that might be a controversial choice.
Bingo.
Annalist Bindings
Aura faint illusion and divination; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 8,000 gp; Weight —
Description
These crimson leather bound cover forms a binding for a historical tome. The spine is split centrally for the length, resulting in two separate book covers, caused when they were ripped from the original edition of the Historical Annals of Cheliax.
Placing both covers on any edition of the same historical tome allows the reader to discern any differences between the original text and the text currently bound between the covers.
Placing the covers over two editions of the same tome will allow the reader of the tome sporting the back cover to discern the changes between it and the tome with the front cover.
Placing...As the top-32 guy who used the unfortunate special ability name "Taint Liquor" for my monster entry, I wonder if using the term 'annal' is a good idea as it will lead to all sorts of sophomoric jokes due to being similar to the word 'anal'.
Probably not the type of feedback you are looking for.
All feedback is good feedback. I chose annalist because it seemed a more interesting and less bland word than "historical".
No problem, Nickolas! I'm glad my comments were helpful, and I hope I didn't come across as overly harsh
No, I didn't think you were being harsh. You're just trying to help. And I hope you feel the same about any critiques I give. Speaking of.
Cryogenic Phial
This item is a little bit gonzo, but I like it. And I don't mean that it is broken or that it is munchkin. Just that encasing yourself inside an ice golem is kind of out of left field. But in a cool way.
Since I don't see this being choked down the gullet of an unwilling victim (I'd rather have the wizard buy a Temporal Stasis scroll for significantly less gp), it is essentially a "get out of trouble" effect that can help you fight on as an ice golem (sort of). Unfortunately it has a delay of at least two rounds in which you might be killed before freezing into a golem. I don't think it is worth drinking it if you were not in serious trouble just to get a CR 7 creature to fight for you when you are 15th level (the CL). It has the side effect that if the golem is not destroyed or it sulks off to a lair, it might end up keeping the person in stasis for thousands of years. That is either a huge liability or time travel to an unknown point in the future, depending on your perspective (liability).
As far as pricing goes, I actually don't think you were that far off. The most important question to ask yourself when pricing an item, is if you as a player would consider spending that amount of gold on this item. Even at the 24,500 gp price tag, I would be iffy to buy this one time consumable as a 15th level character. I might create one for half that price, maybe. I haven't done the figures but one time consumable items have a very low average cost and price (especially when you include potions and scrolls). One notable exception to this are the Golem Manuals which might be good for comparison to this since the both deal with golems. You can compare it to what it costs to make an ice golem (or the CR 7 Flesh Golem since an Ice Golem with the two templates would also be CR 7), but it is not the same. For one, creating a golem (even with a manual) takes time and money where this one makes a golem in a couple of rounds and costs no more than the cost of the phial. That makes this effect somewhat better. But... and it's a big BUT, the phial's effect gives you a golem that you can command only once and you are held in stasis for its entire existence. You can't fight alongside it. You can't order it to another task. You can't further equip or enchant it. It just does the one thing until destroyed and you can do nothing about it. You are essentially dead while it lives. To me this curtails the price for this item very significantly. And to look at it in a game world view, the creator doesn't have to create a golem or even a golem body to create this item. It is not like an ice golem body is stored in an extradimensional space for this effect to work. It just makes an ice prison that is animated to be "functionally identical to an ice golem with the advanced and giant simple templates." So why would it require the cost of creating a golem to make one?
You also can't just tack on the cost of a Temporal Stasis spell to the cost of making an Ice Golem. A Temporal Stasis spell can be used on an unwilling creature with a touch attack, where this has to be quaffed or forced fed. And an enemy that is forced to swallow it might smash you with icy fists. It is not as useful as a Temporal Stasis spell so you should not add the whole cost of that spell to the price. It is part ice golem and part temporal stasis so don't combine the whole costs of both. That just doesn't add up.
So, I don't think you should bump it up to 35k and I think 24,500 gp is still pushing it a little. Giving you a CR 7 monster and taking you out of existence for that whole time is not worth 35k when it only works once. Would you rather have this effect one time or a permanent 10x5 carpet of flying? Or a storm lord's helm? Or an Iron golem manual?
Sorry. Looking back, this is the second time we have an a disagreement about pricing items. I just don't think formulas and adding costs of an item's parts is the right way to price an item and I'm just trying to help.
Anyway, I like the Cryogenic Phial, but I think you made the right decision to cut it from the contest and post it here. I could see it getting top 100, but I would be a little surprised if this item was to place in the top 32. Can't wait to see what else you've got in the months to come.
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Annalist Bindings
Ok, Anthony, here are a few comments. A disclaimer, though, I don't consider myself fully qualified to evaluate material for Wayfinder since I've only read the latest release and just scoured it for flavor to put in my R3 entry. ;-) Therefore, I'm reviewing the item the way I review RPGSS items.
* I second the comment about "annalist" being a slightly unfortunately word to use. Juvenile humor is very common and I can see names like this being joked about.
* The price is hard to evaluate because PCs are likely to need this item only when the plot demands it, so I think this is maybe more of an NPC item. For NPCs, the price is very high. Looking at "Table: NPC Gear" only a 10+ level NPC could afford one, and PCs of that level are exceedingly rare (I remember this from the organization round of 2012...).
* Items that are actually two items are always a bit problematic.
* Number disagreement: "These crimson ... cover"
* The first paragraph could be more dynamic and evocative. Granted, it's hard to make book covers sound exciting, but as I mentioned I'm reviewing the item as I would an RPGSS entry.
* It's a magical version of Track changes and a plot item, but this is probably ok in Wayfinder.
* The sentence "Placing the two covers on two tomes that are blank allows text to be written to the tome with the front cover to appear as a difference on the back covered tome." is rather difficult to parse. I'm not sure I understand what really happens.
* There is a lot of repetition of similar words in the text. While it may be necessary to explain the rather similar functions of this item, (again, from an RPGSS perspective), it's not very exciting to read.
You mentioned you're trying to keep flavor and mechanics separate. My personal opinion is that it makes the text very dry to read. My advice is to sprinkle, to intersperse the mechanical part with small bits of flavor. Just one or two words here and there. Of course, it's necessary to make sure that the flavor words don't muddle up the mechanics.
The first paragraph is an exception to the "sprinkle with flavor words" rule -- I think it should be (nearly) exclusively flavor text. But of course it shouldn't be more than two sentences long.
This approach seems to be working for me, at least. :) Let me know if you want me to provide an example using this item to demonstrate the principle.
EDIT: I guess I should always include a disclaimer about only/mostly focusing on what things I think need improving. The purpose is not to sound negative. I just realized I didn't say anything positive, but my reviews often look like this. :P People who I've written reviews in pm know this well. :)
Thanks for all the feedback guys, very helpful...
Here is a revised version - rather than names after historical theme, I have taken the name a different route, that of indelible history. This has also changed the Organisation name to "The Way of Indelible Truth"
Indelible Bindings
Aura[b] faint illusion and divination; [b]CL 7th
Slot none; Price[b] 6,000 gp; [b]Weight —
Description
Shimmering golden letters lift from the passages of misinformation and lies of the historical tome encased by these scarlet hued leather bindings. The letters shift, rearranging to represent the true historical accounts of those events the tomes represent. The bindings are separate, rent apart when ripped from the original editions of Cheliaxan History.
Placing both covers around any historical tome, which has more than one version or issue, will result in the amendments, additions and deletions since the previous edition to be illustrated to the reader as they review each pages content, providing a +4 circumstance bonus to Knowledge checks related to research into noble bloodlines, houses, and history of Cheliax as they occurred rather than how they are represented.
Separating the covers over two editions will result in all changes being shown from the earliest edition covered by the front binding to the edition housed by the rear binding, providing the same circumstance bonus on the same research. This style of use also allows writing written into the tome encased by the front binding to be retrieved as an addition by the rear binding, facilitating a method of one way communication. The two bindings must be on the same plane of existence when separated in this manner.
Being caught with these bindings in Cheliax is regarded as high treason, resulting in immediate public execution.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, illusory script, witness, creator must be a bard and member of The Way of Indelible Truth; Cost 3,000 gp
I just have the intro part left to do and my first draft organisation will be complete, with the latest revisions, it now stands thusly...
The Way of Indelible Truth
Alignment: NG
Headquarters: Two main headquarters exist, Verso, located in Egorian, and Recto, located in Westcrown.
Leader: Verso Folium leads Verso, Recto Folium leads Recto. These hereditary names are assumed on taking office as an identity protection for the leaders.
Structure: Nationalist Hierarchy
Scope: National
Resources: Real property and liquid assets worth tens of millions of gold piece across Cheliax. Sixty percent of this held equally between the two headquarters.
{An approximately 100-word introductory paragraph.}
Structure and Leadership
The two leaders each have a tome encased between two halves of a matched pair of Indelible Bindings, facilitating secret two way communication between them when needed. These tomes are reverently referred to as the bifolium.
Reporting to the leaders are the chapter house heads dispersed throughout all major towns and cities of Cheliax, referred to collectively as the quire. Each of these heads will have four, six or eight direct subordinates depending on the size of the town or city they reside in. These subordinates are known as duernion (four), ternion (six) or quarternion (eight) but are treated as equals should they meet.
It is these individuals that, through the use of adventuring parties and Annalist Bindings, locate and retrieve the articles, treasures and lost nobles who form the true history and lifeblood of Cheliax as they deem it should be. All that work through them are referred to as signatures.
Goals
Their greatest desire is the preservation of the true histories and bloodlines of Cheliax, seeing this as the only way to ensure that Cheliax is kept pure and able to rise once more to its illustrious heights without the need of any pacts with devils or any other external agencies. They fully intend to achieve this using whatever means necessary, be it acquiring historical treasures, secreting away survivors of deposed noble lines, subversive activities to undermine the ruling houses, assassinations, thievery, seeding of dissent, and so on.
Public Perception
Those loyal to house Thrune and their view of the future of Cheliax regard members and adventurers working for this organisation as traitors, although any noble who finds they have fallen into disfavor will often quickly change their allegiance. Those few who have escaped the bands of slavery see this organisation as a life line, an escape from the slavers noose, and a cause they can join to re-establish Cheliax to its purest and greatest heights.
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The item is a lot more interesting to read now, and I think Way of Indelible Truth works really well as a name for the organization. Not sure if bindings can be indelible, but it's a better item name at any rate.
I like the shifting letters, it's something that I can easily imagine and it's a cool mental image. It also hints at the item's purpose, which I think is always a good thing to have in your first paragraph.
The second and third paragraphs still have really long sentences. The longest sentence has 67 (!) words in it, which is way too much. I recall you've used readability metrics in the past to evaluate wondrous items, so you should know to avoid such long sentences. ;-)
It now has more utility for PCs, which is good, but of course if this was an RPGSS entry, you'd want to include something more unique than a skill bonus or communication effect.
Overall, it looks a lot better now.
Thanks - I actually have a few ideas for book bindings that I developed while developing this Wayfinder targetted item - so I am hanging on to those at the moment.
I will revisit the item wording once more, but wanted to get some positive feedback first regarding suitability for Wayfinder 11, which I now have.
I managed to get my notes in order and double checked the references to the Cheliax Companion, so here is the Organisation in full for the first time :) (and I have now remembered to swap my spell checker to US English, so all those "our" endings are sorted :P
The Way of Indelible Truth
Alignment: NG
Headquarters: Two main headquarters exist, Verso, located in Egorian, and Recto, located in Westcrown.
Leader: Verso Folium leads Verso, Recto Folium leads Recto. These hereditary names are assumed on taking office as an identity protection for the leaders.
Structure: Nationalist Hierarchy
Scope: National
Resources: Real property and liquid assets worth tens of millions of gold piece across Cheliax. Sixty percent of this held equally between the two headquarters.
During the treacherous break of Molthune from Cheliax in the year 4632, a number of nobles of Westcrown, fearing the total break up of Cheliax and an end to their own power and holdings, formed an alliance to preserve the ideals, society, treasures and noble lines of the true and powerful Cheliax from which their lines ascended.
The organization was driven underground during the years of the interregnum and the rise of the House of Thrune as they had been publicly denounced as seditionists and traitors to the new Cheliax order.
In order to provide resilience to the organizations continued existence, a second headquarters was formed in the new capital, Egorian. This also provided closer monitoring of the activities of the House of Thrune and expedited the discovery of noble lines in danger of being deposed allowing the order to quickly move in and save more noble lines, to capture stolen historical artifacts en route to those loyal to the ruling houses.
They work tirelessly behind the scenes, bringing those of true noble blood, survivors and strays loyal to the old ways, to the safety of their hidden safe houses; preparing those they save to spread dissension, to plot and grow in power, to build their bands and armies in secret with the final aim of tearing down the House of Thrune and restoring the original Cheliax order.
Structure and Leadership
The two leaders each have a tome encased between two halves of a matched pair of Indelible Bindings, facilitating secret two way communication between them when needed. These tomes are reverently referred to as the bifolium.
Reporting to the leaders are the chapter house heads dispersed throughout all major towns and cities of Cheliax, referred to collectively as the quire. Each of these heads will have four, six or eight direct subordinates depending on the size of the town or city they reside in. These subordinates are known as duernion (four), ternion (six) or quarternion (eight) but are treated as equals should they meet.
It is these individuals that, through the use of adventuring parties and Annalist Bindings, locate and retrieve the articles, treasures and lost nobles who form the true history and lifeblood of Cheliax as they deem it should be. All that work through them are referred to as signatures.
Goals
Their greatest desire is the preservation of the true histories and bloodlines of Cheliax, seeing this as the only way to ensure that Cheliax is kept pure and able to rise once more to its illustrious heights without the need of any pacts with devils or any other external agencies. They fully intend to achieve this using whatever means necessary, be it acquiring historical treasures, secreting away survivors of deposed noble lines, subversive activities to undermine the ruling houses, assassinations, thievery, seeding of dissent, and so on.
Public Perception
Those loyal to house Thrune and their view of the future of Cheliax regard members and adventurers working for this organization as traitors, although any noble who finds they have fallen into disfavor will often quickly change their allegiance. Those few who have escaped the bands of slavery see this organization as a life line, an escape from the slavers noose, and a cause they can join to re-establish Cheliax to its purest and greatest heights.
Just the associated Side Trek Seed to write up and I am then in full edit mode with about 3 days to spare >.<, grin.
Deadlines looming right now, but all I want to say is COOL. I am glad my little tradition is really taking off this year. :)
@ Andrew: I can ceate a sheet if others think it will be useful. I imagine this will quiet down when fervor subsides (or at least spring break :) I may at least create a summary of pages 1-3 on page four, 4-6 on page seven, etc. I have created my own list in the meantime, I have two monsters, one organization and seven monsters to catch up on.
I will give priority to those I know heading for Wayfinder (AA's org & item), otherwise it will be in the order they were posted.
About Wayfinder: the first couple of items were Chelaxian in nature/flavor. If you are planning to submit them would you like a to give us a rewrite? I hope you will submit them. One week left! :)
Here is something I came up with while waiting for the next combat round in the Jade Regent PbP I am playing. I feel really good about it, even though it is just a first draft. I hope it is not too convoluted; it is one of the longest items I have written yet at ~240 words.
Bloodshield Amulet
Aura moderate abjuration and necromancy; CL 7th
Slot neck; Price 35,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
The rough gem set in this matte steel gorget pulses in anticipation with bloody light whenever the wearer faces danger.
Three times per day, the wearer may call on the fury of the amulet for protection. While the amulet is activated, the first time that the wearer would take weapon damage, she gains DR 10 effective against the type of damage taken (taking bludgeoning damage grants DR 10/piercing or slashing and likewise for slashing or piercing damage). The first time that the wearer would take energy damage, she gains resistance 10 against the type of energy damage taken. Once these protections are set, they cannot be changed until the amulet is used again.
The protection lasts for as long as the wearer is embroiled in battle. In any round in which the wearer does not deal more damage than in the previous round or reduce an enemy of at least half of her hitdice to 0 hit points, the energy resistance and damage reduction granted by the amulet are each reduced by 5. When the energy resistance and damage reduction are both reduced to 0, the effect ends.
The amulet can be activated as an immediate action in response to taking damage, but doing so expends all three daily uses.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, deadly juggernaut, resist energy; Cost 17,500 gp.
Templating looks good, though hit dice should be two words.
It is definitely a little complex, though interesting.
I think by the rules, though, it's more powerful than you intend since there's no time limit to when the amulet is activated and when the bearer must take energy. Because the limiting factor is the DR reducing, wouldn't that mean it doesn't actually start limiting it until there's a DR to reduce?
I'm assuming you mean for it mostly to be activated as a standard action in the first round (presumably) of combat, but I'm not sure it's of enough benefit to use the action that way. It's something that doesn't give you protection right off the bat -- something has to hit you first -- and then you've got some constraints to keep the protection going.
I think it feels like something I'd never really buy but would wear until I got a chance to sell it if I found it in some treasure. I think even then, I'd almost always do the blitz to activate it as an immediate action.
You have an excellent point. I didn't anticipate the potential hole between the activation and setting the resistance and DR.
I might just be better off making it 1/day as an immediate action, and maybe add a small constant effect which turns off for the day when you use the activated power.
Bloodshield Amulet
Aura moderate abjuration and necromancy; CL 7th
Slot neck; Price 35,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
I agree with Jacob, and I think it may be a little overly complex for its benefits. Perhaps the changes you mention will fix those issues.
My other problem is with the prose. Sometimes I think you can tell when someone is trying to hard to be evocative, and I think this is one of those times. I don't think this amulet can pulse in anticipation, since it is inanimate. I don't that the amulet really has any fury to call on either, it's just a stone in a steel necklace. Also the words blood and bloody are generally overused, and your item has nothing to do with blood at all (it could just as easily be called a shield amulet). I think you're trying to make your writing exciting, and that is a good notion. In this instance however it comes off clunky to me.
Hey all
Here is the third part of my Wayfinder 11 submission - the first draft of the Side Trek Seed.
It's a bit wordy at the moment, so needs some revision, but I would appreciate any feedback you are able to provide.
Many thanks
Egorian, Cheliax – House Championship
Plot Hook
If the PCs are playing as loyalists to House Thrune, they are approached by an agent noble house to act as champions in the forthcoming annual house championships held in Egorian’s arena. Should they be working against House Thrune, they are approached by either an agent of House Thrune pretending to be a member of The Way of Indelible Truth or one of that organization's octernion.
They are advised that a deposed noble was captured recently and put to the arena by House Thrune. This noble knows of the location of a sacred artifact of Aroden that must be retrieved – the agent of House Thrune intends to destroy it, otherwise it is to be preserved and secreted away to safety. To that end the PCs must enter the arena, identify the noble, win his trust and keep him alive, making him a member of their party as the rules of championship combat dictate (see background). The noble knows that this information is his only route out of the arena and so will not divulge this information to anyone at any time, even to the PCs.
Arrangements are made that the PCs are taken to the arena 3 days before the grand contest, where they will billet amongst all combatants. It is during this three days they need to locate and identify the target of their search.
Background
Once per year, House Thrune holds a Championship in the Egorian arena, consisting of multiple bouts, some house versus house and some house champions versus slaves. The latter events being a thinly disguised method of cleaning house. Instead of the actual nobles of a house taking part in the arena, they are allowed to proxy champions in their stead, encouraged and approved of by House Thrune as a way of preventing the loss of staunch allies to a lucky blade.
The house versus house results affect a houses rank within the noble hierarchy and their esteem by House Thrune. They are fought fiercely unto the death of all of a house’s champions. The house versus slaves events are fought to the death of all slaves. Rarely, a slave fights so well that the house champions offer them leniency should they elect to join them against the remaining slaves. This must be offered to the slave by a house champion during the contest, a slave asking for this boon is always killed. It is this route that the agent wishes the PCs to take.
Potential Resolutions
Should the PCs fail to identify the noble agent, or they fail to protect him during the championship bouts, he dies resulting in all arrangements to retrieve the PCs from the arena are cancelled. They are left as arena slaves seeking their own route to freedom.
If the PCs successfully protect the noble agent, the resolution depends on whether you chose to play the introduction that the employer was a member of The Way of Indelible Truth or was an agent of House Thrune.
For the former, the PCs and the agent are bought and paid for by an anonymous party who arranges their safe delivery to a safe house where they meet their employer who rewards them for a job well done.
For the latter, only the noble agent is bought out of the arena. The PCs, realizing they have been duped, hear through the slave vine of his summary trial and execution. Should they escape their current predicament, they may plot and enact their revenge.
Whalebone Cape
I just wanted to jump in here and let you know that I think this is a vast improvement from the gloves. Not that they were bad, but with the cape you fixed all the little issues and firmed it up both mechanically and thematically. You did a great job explaining how it does its effects and what it is like to wear the cape. Is the price still a little low? Maybe. Capsizing ships is really powerful, but it is also very niche. One minor template issue I noticed is that "animal aspect, greater" should be written "greater animal aspect" when it appears in the construction requirements (or anywhere else except for alphabetized class spell lists and the name bar of the spell itself). There may still be a few wording issues as Christopher pointed out. The line "For the purpose of assessing penalties on this check the wearer is considered to be two sizes larger, to a maximum of Huge sized" is still problematic and I don't think does exactly what you want it to do. I believe you just want it to effect the penalties for the size difference between the user and the ship being targeted as presented in the capsize monster ability. As its written it affects all penalties to the CMB roll made to capsize that are based on size. Therefore a Small user would avoid his normal -1 size penalty to his CMB check to capsize, but no character would get the normal size bonus for being Large or Huge. It just needs a little rewrite to make sure you are only addressing the the penalties in the capsize ability and not all size based penalties on CMB rolls. Anyway, it is very nice and I can't wait to see what else you've got.
Thanks everyone, for all the help - I learnt a lot from all the feedback and attempting to write linked articles for the first time.
It is now winging it's way through the ether to the submission desks of Wayfinder. Fingers crossed.
Now the Wayfinder work is done (with 3 days to spare!), I can get back to finishing my Template Fu item reviews and then make a start on the submissions in this thread :)
Not long until the Wayfinder 11 deadline folks, and remember your time zones!
*cracks whip*
So get to submitting, don't leave it to the last moment and then have an internet fail.
OK, Submission no 3 for Wayfinder 11 - lol, with humblest apologies to Andrew Lloyd Webber, and the Phantom of the Opera...
So, what do you think to this lyric mangling effort...?
ABROGAIL:
In sleep he spoke to me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me and speaks my name
And do I dream again for now I find
The Devil Asmodeus is there
Inside my mind
ASMODEUS:
Rise once again with me
Accept our duet
My power over you grows stronger yet
And though you turn from me to glance behind
I Asmodeus reside always
Inside your mind.
ABROGAIL:
I who have seen your face
Shall feel no fear
I am the mask you wear
ASMODEUS:
It's me they hear...
ABROGAIL & ASMODEUS:
Your/My spirit and my/your voice in one combined
You/I, Asmodeus, always here
Inside my/your mind
PEOPLE OF CHELIAX:
He's there, the Devil Asmodeus!
Beware, the Devil Asmodeus!
ASMODEUS:
In all your fantasies, you always knew
devil and mystery
ABROGAIL:
Were both in you
ABROGAIL & ASMODEUS:
And in Golarion land
where night is blind
the great Asmodeus is here,
inside my/your mind
ABROGAIL:
He's there, the Devil Asmodeus
ASMODEUS:
Rise, my Angel of Terror
Rise, my Angel
Rise for me
Rise, my Angel!
Rise for me!
Hi all, just want to let you all know I'm not dead!
I'm super busy with GM_Solspiral's Into the Breach series (which is wrapping up some SUPER fun things) and another couple of projects for LPJ. Also trying to put together some more items for Wayfinder before the deadline!
So, hopefully after the 31st I can return to this thread in full force!
I probably won't go back over anything on page 1 and 2 since those have been done better than I likely can :)
Second potential Wayfinder item:
Whispering Pike
Aura moderate evocation and enchantment; CL 7th
Price 24,000 gp; Weight 25? lbs.
Description
Dark black metal make the head of this halberd. When swung the blade whispers with the dead voices of its victims. This +1 axiomatic halberd aids the Ordering of the Pike in removing monsters that threaten civilization near the whispering woods. Three times per day it may be readied against a charge as an immediate action provided the wielder has an attack of opportunity available. Once per day, when readied against a charge the pike’s whispers increase in volume commanding the target creature to charge the wielder. The target must succeed on Will save (DC 14) to avoid the charge. If the target and the wielder are already in combat, the target suffers a -2 penalty to the save for a reasonable suggestion.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, order’s wrath, suggestion creator must be lawful; Cost 12,000 gp
And a rewrite of the first.
HellKnight’s Pyre
Aura moderate abjuration and evocation; CL 8th
Slot shield; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
Sharp steel points twist and bend into stylized flames on this shield. Unlike Hellknight Armor the Order of the Pyre freely shares these shields with those hunting cults. Deep red flames encase this +2 bashing heavy steel shield when active, dealing an additional 2d8 points of fire damage on bashing attacks.
The wielder receives a +2 bonus against domain powers, mysteries, hexes, and spirit abilities. This is a shield bonus against ranged touch attacks or a moral bonus to saves. If the wielder is targeted by one of these he may activate the shield as an immediate action. It can also be active as a standard action and remains active for 5 rounds.
While burning, a paladin or Hellknight’s detect evil and detect chaos spell like abilities quicken, requiring a move action to activate. When using the smite evil or smite chaos abilities the wielder increases her Charisma bonus (if any) by 1 ½ on her attacks and to her deflection bonus versus the target of the smite. As a standard action the wielder may light a prepared surface (such as a bound witch).
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, bull’s strength, detect evil or chaos, protection from evil or chaos, searing light; Cost 15,000 gp
I plan to submit on Sunday, but hopefully a couple people can take another look at it. Yes I plan to cut that last line, but if you can help me find a way to keep the joke without sounding so corny I would be glad for the help :)
OK, Submission no 3 for Wayfinder 11 - lol, with humblest apologies to Andrew Lloyd Webber, and the Phantom of the Opera...
Meh, its fine for a joke among friends, but not sure I would submit it. I think so but has enough changed to avoid copyright issues?
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Wow, this thread has moved fast! I know I won't be able to offer my two cents on everything, but when I happen to see something where all my suggestions haven't already been made, I'll give my thoughts. All are meant to be helpful, friendly, and constructive!
Second potential Wayfinder item:
Whispering Pike
Aura moderate evocation and enchantment; CL 7th
Price 24,000 gp; Weight 25? lbs.
DescriptionDark black metal make the head of this halberd. When swung the blade whispers with the dead voices of its victims. This +1 axiomatic halberd aids the Ordering of the Pike in removing monsters that threaten civilization near the whispering woods. Three times per day it may be readied against a charge as an immediate action provided the wielder has an attack of opportunity available. Once per day, when readied against a charge the pike’s whispers increase in volume commanding the target creature to charge the wielder. The target must succeed on Will save (DC 14) to avoid the charge. If the target and the wielder are already in combat, the target suffers a -2 penalty to the save for a reasonable suggestion.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, order’s wrath, suggestion creator must be lawful; Cost 12,000 gp
I really like the immediate ready-for-a-charge (seems like that should be a feat, if it isn't already), since it lets an underused mechanic see more play. So nice job on that, and I like the flavor oriented toward forming a defensive wall against the evils of the wood.
Some suggestions:
- I think the weight is too much, even if it's meant to be extremely heavy.
- When I think "pike," I think spear. Could this be a spear instead of a halberd? Or just called the "Whispering Halberd"?
- The second ability (compulsion to charge) feels a little off, in large part because if the target and wielder are already in combat, there's a good chance that a charge wouldn't even be possible without backing up.
- There should be a range for the second ability.
Second potential Wayfinder item:
Whispering Pike...
The pike entry has quite a few grammar issues. Some sentences could be rewritten like this.
"The head of this halberd is made of a dark black metal."
"...whispers with the voices of its dead victims." (this one could go either way I guess, but it's really the victims that are dead, not their voices)
"This +1 axiomatic halberd aids the Order of the Pike..."
"The target must succeed on a Will save..."
The rewrite of the shield is much more clear about its purpose now, but if this were RPGSS you will still get dinged for your reference I think. Yes you don't say the dreaded "favored by," but it's clear that's what you're doing. Wayfinder may not have such strict rules, so it might be fine. As a matter of fact Paizo APs don't even seem to mind, as one of the new magic items in the Half-Dead city uses the phrase "favored by" and another tells us who is was originally created by and for what purpose.
My feeling is if you're writing for a setting, as opposed to the general campaign neutral item, "favored by" (or even "back story") isn't quite as much of a problem. After all, it's not like you're saying a magical lance is favored by cavaliers, because of course it is. You're saying it's often used by a specific group that exists in the setting, even if it might not be the most beneficial choice for them.
I'd still avoid it where I can, but there are times it's OK, IMO.
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I think so too. RPGSS and magic item compendiums are probably the only places where you should never ever include backstory, but in APs and particularly books focusing on organizations, regions and such it's probably ok.
Though I think that very often you can avoid such references if the flavor is strong enough.
Also, context. If the item appears as a sidebar in a two-page spread detailing an organization, for example, it's pretty obvious it's primarily intended for the members of the organization. Of course, as a writer, you can't necessarily control such things as layout.
Thanks all.
That pike was created in the minutes between my mate saying 'I'm on my way' and me picking her up. A revision of that and the shield are officially off, which means I only have 7 more to go before this contest starts. :)
I'll be back to critiquing after the weekend! :)
I've decided that Sunday is my day to post new designs. I'll start with an edit of my Mottefey creature. Though I did overlooked that Tiny creatures can't flank in my version, I also overlooked that mottefey can see perfectly in all kinds of darkness allowing them to use sneak attack against creatures effectively blinded by the dark. In this version I added to that advantage with a 1/day Deeper Darkness, went 3/day with Dust of Twilight, and increased the sneak attack damage to boost their damage output. The most changes went into the description to try to shore up some of the questions people had.
Mottefey CR 2
XP 600
NG Tiny fey
Init +3; Senses detect evil, see in darkness; Perception +10
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 15, flat-footed 12 (+3 Dex, +2 size)
hp 14 (4d6)
Fort +1, Ref +7, Will +5
DR 5/cold iron; SR 13
Weaknesses light sensitivity, vulnerability to fire
----- Offense -----
Speed 10 ft., fly 40 ft. (good)
Melee rapier +7 (1d2-4)
Space 2-1/2 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks sneak attack +2d6
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 4; concentration +8)
At will—ghost sound (DC 13), know direction
1/day—deeper darkness
3/day—dust of twilight (APG) (DC 15), protective penumbra (UM)
Constant—detect evil
----- Statistics -----
Str 3, Dex 16, Con10, Int 12, Wis 13, Cha 17
Base Atk +2; CMB -4; CMD 9
Feats Alertness, Weapon Finesse
Skills Bluff +7, Diplomacy +10, Fly +15, Knowledge (local) +8, Knowledge (nature) +8, Perception +10, Sense Motive +10, Stealth +15, Survival +5
Languages Common, Sylvan
----- Ecology -----
Environment any temperate or warm forest, or urban
Organization solitary, gang (2–5), or band (6–11)
Treasure standard (rapier, other treasure)
----- Special Abilities -----
Light Obsession (Su) At night or indoors, the first time a mottefey comes within 20 feet of a particular artificial light (flame, alchemical, or magic) it must succeed at a Will save or fall in love with the light and attempt to stay within 20 feet of it. The DC for this save depends on the light's strength. The light from a spell or magical item has a DC of 10 + the spell level + the caster/creator's relevant ability bonus. A candle has a DC 7; a torch or lantern is DC 11, and a sunrod is DC 14. A light in possession of an evil character grants the mottefey a +5 bonus to its save. If a character later takes possession of the light, or possession passes to another, the mottefey receives an additional save to end the effect.
An obsessed mottefey's attitude increases by two steps for any character that carries its light. This inflated friendliness ends if the light goes out or the sun comes up.
The mottefey can only be infatuated by one light at a time. If a larger, brighter, or a more powerful light comes within 20 feet, the mottefey must make a save as above. Failure switches its infatuation to the new light.
In the First World, the mottefey were preferred prey of Lurkers in the Light, but at some point the majority of the race came to the Material Plane to escape their tormentors. Ever watchful for their evil cousins, the nocturnal mottefey made their homes near humanoid settlements where they watched light sources for signs of Lurkers. Over time, they began to develop an obsession with the lights they watched. Today, most mottefey try to avoid obsession by utilizing their spell-like abilities or by keeping their distance from lights. Some, however, become obsessed intentionally, addicted to the euphoric effect that lights have on their acute visual senses.
Sometimes referred to as "Watchers in the Night," these creatures see much of what happens in their settlements and know their way around by referencing the street lanterns and other lights found there. A benevolent person in possession of a light source, might find the ordinarily shy mottefey to be quite helpful. In battle mottefey use their spell-like abilities to cast their enemies in darkness where they have the upper hand.
Mottefey are about 16 inches tall, and weigh around 8 pounds.
And here is a new magic item. I have decided that this would not be a great entry for RPG Superstar and most of my other items I have created in the last couple months would make better entries so I'm posting it here. It is fun and kind of funny. I'm sure some will consider it a joke item. Note that both this and my Helm of the Phantom Armor Hubris are humorous, gnomish trickster type items, but this is not a theme I am going for. These are the only two in my current list of 25+ items that share this theme. I'm not particularly partial to the Small races and it is just coincidence that I'm posting these two items back to back. Of course at 5'5" maybe I have a height complex I'm only subconsciously aware of. Anyway, let me know what you think.
Nested Dolls of Bullied Vengeance
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 8,600 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
These ten, intricately hand-painted, wooden dolls are designed to fit one inside the other. The largest five are painted to represent members of Medium sized races, possibly as effigies of the creator's real-life tormentors. The smaller five are painted to represent members of a Small race and may be caricatures of the creator or his friends and family.
If the set's remaining dolls are assembled and held in hand while giving a command word, the largest and the smallest of the dolls transpose paint jobs and a wave of transforming energy bursts from the user in a 30-foot radius. This energy affects every Medium size or larger humanoid creature in the radius with a reduce person spell (Fortitude DC 16 negates). Small and smaller humanoids in the area are instead affected by an enlarge person spell (Fortitude DC 16 negates). These effects last for 7 minutes. For the effect's duration, a character who is enlarged by this effect receives a +5 morale bonus to Intimidate checks against any creature reduced by this effect. When the effect ends, the smallest and largest dolls both turn to ash.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Widen Spell, mass enlarge person, mass reduce person, creator must be Small or smaller; Cost 4,300 gp
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Nickolas, here's a short review of the mottefey. DISCLAIMER: As usual, I'll review it as if it was an actual RPGSS entry.
Firstly, it's oddly similar to a monster pitch I wrote a few days prior to your posting the first version of mottefey in this thread. But the similarities are only superficial -- the abilities and behavior are rather different. :)
* The name works well for a moth-like fey.
* Con10 <- space missing
* CMB -4 is not correct. Tiny creatures use their Dex modifier, so it should be +3.
* Other SLAs are linked to the srd, detect evil is not.
* Other than these rather small formatting errors, it looks ok.
However, if this was an RPGSS entry, I probably wouldn't vote for it. It only has one new monster ability and it's a weakness rather than an active, dynamic ability. Superstar monster entries need something that make the monster an interesting part of an encounter. They also need abilities that show you can come up with original ideas or write interesting mechanics.
Being attracted to lights is thematically very appropriate for the mottefey, but I'd suggest that you simplify the ability description; you're now using a lot of words on something that should probably only be mentioned in passing. (This is similar to a wondrous item that has a lengthy description of its drawbacks instead of focusing on what it can do.) And I'd also suggest that you add a second, more active ability (or modify the existing ability so that it also enables it to do something it otherwise cannot).
However, if this was an RPGSS entry, I probably wouldn't vote for it. It only has one new monster ability and it's a weakness rather than an active, dynamic ability. Superstar monster entries need something that make the monster an interesting part of an encounter. They also need abilities that show you can come up with original ideas or write interesting mechanics.
I knew this and was surprised no one mentioned this when I posted it earlier. I agree that a monster with no new abilities and a new disability is not superstar. It was the reason I decided that out of the two monsters I created prior to the top 32 announcement, the mottefey would not be the one I'd submit if I made the cut.
The first version of this guy did have another ability where he could force another creature to become obsessed with a light, but I cut it because it seemed kind of weird and I needed more space to describe their place in the world.
The CMB mistake was an editing error. When I posted it to the "What would you have submitted" thread I had it correct, but when I edited it before posting it here, I could not find the reason why I had made it +3 and mistakenly recalculated it to -4. Thanks for catching that.
Anyway, thanks for the review.
It's a day early, but here is my April entry for the 9 blazing months. This is not the monster I would have handed in had I advanced to the second round, as some people would likely call it a joke entry. And I guess it sort of is, but I enjoy it anyway. The abilities are also not superstar enough, and I think I spend too much time on back story. The back story is important to this monster though, and unless you read 'Irrisen - Land of Eternal Winter' you'll probably think I made the whole thing up.
Delicate, colorful woodwork sticks out at irregular intervals from the red crystalline body of this bulky and wild looking creature
Gingerbread Man CR 4
XP 1200
CE Medium aberration
Init +6; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; witch sense 60 ft.; Perception +11
----- Defense -----
AC 17, touch 12, flat-footed 15 (+2 Dex, +5 natural)
hp 42 (5d8+20);
Fort +5, Ref +3, Will +7
Defensive Abilities DR 5/magic
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft.
Melee 2 slams +8 (1d6+5)
----- Statistics -----
Str 21, Dex 14, Con 18, Int 7, Wis 16, Cha 11
Base Atk +3; CMB +4; CMD 18
Feats Improved Initiative, Step Up, Power Attack
Skills Climb +9, Escape Artist +6, Intimidate +4, Knowledge (nature) +6, Perception +11, Stealth +7 (+15 inside wooden objects); Racial Modifiers +4 Knowledge (nature), +8 Stealth while inside wooden objects
Languages Common
SQ Uncatchable, Wild Blood
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban (Irrisen)
Organization solitary
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Uncatchable (Su) Any creature or object made of wood treats a gingerbread man as if it were incorporeal, treating its natural armor bonus as a deflection bonus if necessary.
Wild Blood (Su) A gingerbread man can wild shape as the druid class ability with an effective druid class level equal to its HD. Regardless of its current form, a gingerbread man always appears to be made of crystallized blood and wood.
Witch Sense (Su) A gingerbread man notices and locates witches within 60 feet, just as if it possessed the blindsight ability. This ability is blocked by 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, a thin sheet of lead, or 3 feet of wood or dirt.
In 3444 AR in the Irriseni province of Hoarwood a rebellion was brutally crushed, and the blood of druids who lead the insurrection was fed to a mighty and ancient oak tree, killing it. A city was then carved into the massive tree, which was sacred to the druids of the green faith. Gozreh, furious over the desecration of a holy oak by the spawn of Baba Yaga, imbued parts of the blood gorged tree with the patience and wrath of nature. Dormant for decades housed within the husk of the great oak, it wasn't until a group of woodworkers harvested some of the possessed lumber that the creatures awoke. Even then the monsters waited while the woodworkers turned the lumber into the famous Irriseni gingerbreading to decorate houses of prominent Hoarwood Jadwiga. Only when the gingerbreading was brought before a group of Jadwiga for inspection did the beasts show themselves. Sensing their hated enemy, the monsters oozed from the wood and crystallized into humanoid and animal shapes with powerful limbs. They rose up and slaughtered every witch, gaining their name in the process, the gingerbread men.
Gingerbread men have no gender, and can seep out of any wooden products made from the poisoned tree, but the name stuck. They have only a rudimentary intelligence but seem content to lay completely dormant until they sense witches nearby, at which point they tirelessly hunt them until destroyed. Once active, a gingerbread man with no witches in the vicinity will kill indiscriminately for a period of time before going dormant again. A dormant gingerbread man reverts to whatever wooden object he was before waking. Some desperate groups within the Heralds of Summer's Return have been purposely harvesting infected wood in order to turn it into durable goods to sell in Irrisen’s larger cities. They transport these goods into highly populated areas encased in metal, and them release them upon the witches in order to sow terror.
The mismatch that leaps out immediately, which I am not sure is easily fixable, is Plural: men, Singular: man and a line of "has no gender" - oopsie. It's a small thing but does kind of bump out when noticed.
Then I also notice they are described as "humanoid and animal shaped" - hmmm, so men is probably a bit misleading, maybe "beast"? or somthing like that would be better.
It's a consistency thing really, one of those niggly things that if this were a superstar entry, could turn voters away after a while.
I hope that snippet helps.
They were described as humanoid and animal shapes in that line because in combat some of them used their Wild Blood ability. I agree that wasn't clear, but I would never change their name because that was the only reason I created this particular monster. Yes, he was a bit of a joke. Notice that he has an ability called Uncatchable. I would have given him an ability called As Fast As You Can if I could think of something for it.
As far as the "man" vs has no gender aspect, humans called them Gingerbread Men because they were naming these monsters after something familiar (a cookie in this case), something we do all the time when we name new things. The sentence about having no gender is there to say that despite what we call them, these are aberrations and the concept of gender is meaningless to them. It was a deliberate juxtaposition.
That said, this is sort of the problem with a "joke" entry like this. I'm forced to spend word count to justify my choices when that word count would be better spent describing their behavior and place in the world. That entire first paragraph of the description exists to give a reason why these things are called gingerbread men, and it's too much.
And now that I thought about it for 10 minutes, new ability!
As Fast As You Can (Su) A gingerbread man's movement speed is always at least 10 feet per round faster than the fastest creature currently in combat with it or chasing it, to a minimum of 30 feet.
Gingerbread Man The back story is important to this monster though, and unless you read 'Irrisen - Land of Eternal Winter' you'll probably think I made the whole thing up.
Yeah. I'm in that camp. And as a result I don't get it. I expected it to be a creepy version of the fairy tale creature by the name. I was not expecting a human-sized wood and blood based creature with a hatred of witches and the ability take the shape of animals. There seems to be some reference to the nursery rhyme with Uncatchable and your late addition, but it is not actually a living baked good. I don't have this book, so why do they call this wood "gingerbread?" I don't get it and I'm not sure I would even if I read the book. I think this falls into the "too tightly tied to the campaign setting" mistake that sometimes happens in RPGSS. Though tying into the campaign setting is a good thing, having it focused on a small or obscure part of it risks alienating those Pathfinder players who are unfamiliar with the particular lore. To me, if it isn't mentioned in the Inner Sea World Guide (or in source books referenced by the twist like 2013's focus on the River Kingdoms) I would avoid referencing it in your RPGSS entries. Of course, you said this is not the monster you would have entered had you made the 2nd round so you get a pass for that.
I want to comment on the creature's abilities, but even the abilities seem so closely tied to the lore that they just confuse me more than anything. Does Uncatchable allow the Gingerbread Man to talk through wooden walls or trees? If so, the sentence should be reversed and "gingerbread man" should be the subject, instead of "Any creature or object made of wood." I do like the idea of a specialized incorporeal ability. Why is it an aberration? I think construct or plant (or even undead) might make more sense. I just don't picture these, being made from possessed wood, needing to breathe, sleep, or eat. Of course maybe I'm missing it due to my lack of knowledge of the lore. Anyway, I'm not crazy about this creature, but I think it is not so much your fault as it is mine, or maybe the writer of Irrisen source book.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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I agree with Nickolas. References that are too obscure will only work against you. The name "gingerbread man" creates a sense of familiarity that is quickly lost when the reader realizes that this creature is in fact not the gingerbread man or even a gingerbread man.
For RPGSS (which I realize this monster wasn't intended for) I'd advise you to read monster entries from the previous years and see how people have handled the Golarion tie-ins in their entries and what the judges and voters have thought about it. I know my entry from this year had a rather flimsy link to the setting, but thankfully the monster had some redeeming qualities.
I guess there is a sweet spot somewhere between "too generic" and "too specific". There's always a chance people don't get your references, so it's a good idea to make sure the entry makes sense even if people don't know the background.
I had the sinking feeling this monster would be absolutely nobody's cup of tea but mine. I swear it was really clever the day I read that companion book for Irrisen.
I had the sinking feeling this monster would be absolutely nobody's cup of tea but mine. I swear it was really clever the day I read that companion book for Irrisen.
Lol, we have all been there, many many times. In my case, around December and January every year for the last seven years >.<