I arrived super late to this party...I was having too much fun in the homebrew forum. Maybe I should post 9 items/monsters to make up for it? :P
Mercy Mercurial Point
1) An arrow is not a wondrous item. It's a weapon. That can get you disqualified.
2) It's generally not a good idea to have the item recipe require two item creation feats. If you need a second item creation feat, that's a clue the item may not be a wondrous item.
3) The first sentence of the description is a sentence fragment.
4) Judges frequently mention that people put too much focus on the item's appearance. I have the opinion that you shouldn't go into much detail with the item's appearance unless its form has a direct correlation with the item effect's function or visuals. For example, the runes on the arrow serve absolutely no function. However, if you said the target becomes marked with a matching rune, then that might be more acceptable.
5) What's a "+1 arrow of mercy?" Do you mean a "+1 merciful arrow?"
6) The wielder (which, by the way, is confusing because you're not wielding the arrow anymore) gains a +3 or a +6 competence bonus against the target. What roll does the bonus apply to? Attack rolls? Damage rolls? Survival checks to track? Perception checks? The text isn't clear.
7) The item effect is way too niche. Lycanthropes are usually around CR 2 to 4. What 2nd level character wants to pay 800 for a single arrow to track down a single type of enemy?
8) There's a lot of really minute little mechanics that make the item rather clunky.
I do like the idea of an item that lets you implant a tracking device on someone. If I were you, I would make it work for any type of creature and keep the mechanics simple. You could make it something like a little mechanical bug that attaches to an arrow or bolt. If the arrow/bolt hits, the bug implants itself into the victim. The bug's keyed owner can cast locate object once per day for the next three days. The bug can be spotted with a Perception check and removed with a Heal check.
Moonstone
I like the name. It's rare that there are one-word magic items, so that does attract me. It does also make me think of Marvel's Moonstone, but I think the name fits really well.
Description's a little odd, in that it appears pitted but yet it completely smooth. It kind of throws me a bit.
"40-foot area"
I'm not one hundred percent sure I understand the item. I can charge it by channeling positive energy (but not with healing spells?). For each hit point of charge, it reduces the amount of time a lycanthrope is affected by the moon by one hour, to a minimum of 24 hours? (Or can use negative energy to increase the effects of the moon?)
I think that's a neat idea if I'm understanding, but I think it needs another pass for clarity. This sentence, for example, need some work, I think: "Charging the moonstone requires a 10 minute ritual that ‘heals’ the moonstone with the channel energy dice." Maybe something like "Charging the moonstone requires a 10-minute ritual during with the user channels positive or negative energy into it."
How long can it hold the charge? As is, I could just charge this up on some day I'm not adventuring and then let it keep the charge until I use it, no?
Part of me wants it to actually have a greater effect. I can totally see this as a plot element in a neat adventure. Imagine the PCs discover a village overrun by lycanthropes -- only it's still four days until the full moon! I think I'd totally make a greater version of this -- with a moonstone the size of someone's chest -- and let the imagination go wild. I think that all speaks highly of this item. It's not a plot device -- I could definitely see PCs using it, even if there are limited circumstances when it can be used, but I also really want to play with it as a GM.
Merciful Mercurial Point
I think Garrick hit the bull's-eye (pun intended) on most of his criticisms (that said, the focus on lycanthropes has to do with this being for the Ustalav Wayfinder, so that doesn't bother me; I think it'd be easy enough as a GM to make variants that affect other creature types). I think calling an arrowhead, unless it's not meant to actually be attached to a shaft, a wondrous item is a stretch.
I would argue with his point 7, though. A lycanthrope is a template, so it can easily be any CR.
Welcome Garret!
Please do send one or two in :) Maybe more if we get the time. Common wisdom implies we only have a few weeks left.
Oops the arrow is not supposed to be a wondrous item. I missed deleting the feat. Thanks for the feedback, (& I welcome any more). I shall get them cleaned up :)
As it for Wayfinder, there is a little bit of backstory connecting all the items (I have four or five now). How much backstory will depend on wordcount, but I am toying with the idea of the magic-item-sets mechanic (from 3.5--additional powers for having multiple items).
As stated at the beginning of the thread this is just for fun and practice, so all types of items should be explored.
I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again, because it bears repeating-- take the time to confirm your pit crew, on the chance you're selected as part of the 32.
What's a Pit Crew? This is the group of people you'll email with expectation of a quick turnaround editing/mechanics/flavor pass on your entries. I will absolutely promise you that it is essential; I've helped out three different participants in this manner, and it's one of those things you don't think about until it's pretty late and people are distracted in the new year.
Talk to folks now, before the holidays get going. Test your email list and have that bit of infrastructure ready to go.
-Ben.
(who is delightfully no longer allowed to participate)
I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again, because it bears repeating-- take the time to confirm your pit crew, on the chance you're selected as part of the 32.
What's a Pit Crew? This is the group of people you'll email with expectation of a quick turnaround editing/mechanics/flavor pass on your entries. I will absolutely promise you that it is essential; I've helped out three different participants in this manner, and it's one of those things you don't think about until it's pretty late and people are distracted in the new year.
Talk to folks now, before the holidays get going. Test your email list and have that bit of infrastructure ready to go.
-Ben.
(who is delightfully no longer allowed to participate)
So basically a group of peers that you can get feedback from in a way that won't disqualify your entry?
So basically a group of peers that you can get feedback from in a way that won't disqualify your entry?
Exactly. You will have one of these when you become a designer, either by peers or friends you trust. You probably have one now, though informal. It's important to bounce your ideas off a dedicated group of people with a balance of setting, mechanical, editorial, and creative strengths, so that you don't miss something obvious, get feedback before turning your entries over, and have fresh eyes review material.
-Ben.
So basically a group of peers that you can get feedback from in a way that won't disqualify your entry?Exactly. You will have one of these when you become a designer, either by peers or friends you trust. You probably have one now, though informal. It's important to bounce your ideas off a dedicated group of people with a balance of setting, mechanical, editorial, and creative strengths, so that you don't miss something obvious, get feedback before turning your entries over, and have fresh eyes review material.
-Ben.
I'd love nothing more than such a pit crew. Unfortunately, most of my friends aren't PF and game design savvy. All the cool people I met during this RPG Superstar are the best peers I got!
Ok, it's auto mapping (auto reject) but not constant, and my verbage has crept up to 250+ words - I didn't want yet another wordy item so... it has now been kicked into touch. Enjoy...
Obsidian Starlight Dome
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 7th
Slot none; Price ZZ gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
A six-inch glass dome encases a viscous liquid within which the facets of flecks of pure obsidian catch the light, twinkling as distant stars against the darkest of nights.
As a swift action, shaking the dome and placing it on the ground causes it to radiate beams of starlight. These beams reach out to 40 feet and then suddenly retract revealing an image within the dome - a tiny black one-inch high landscape replicating the terrain within 40 feet radius of the dome has formed.
For the next six rounds, any creature adjacent to the dome may move as if to step into it. This movement teleports the creature to any destination depicted within the dome of their choice, ignoring any blocking terrain. If the target destination is occupied, the creature arrives in the nearest free space of its choice. This teleport ends the creature's movement for that round.
Only inanimate objects are represented - no creatures are revealed, unless they are in an inanimate state. Such creatures represented as miniature statues. The presence of secret spaces and passageways may be revealed, but the opening mechanisms are not, for example a secret door is simply part of the surrounding wall.
At the end of the six rounds, or if the dome is picked up, the image dissolves and the dome ceases to function for eight hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door; Cost ZZ gp
Yeah, I didnt get as far as pricing, but was expecting something around the 6,000 GP area.
Obsidian Starlight Dome
It's basically a complicated way of giving your party the ability to teleport around a 40 radius area as a move action. I'd think it would be way more expensive than 6000 gp as it's at least a 3rd or 4th level spell effect.
The description needs another pass as the visual, while cool, seems rather complicated.
I'm not really fond of the name. It does not really describe anything about the item's function aside from the starlight fluff that's not even part of the item's main function.
Popping in to give some feedback. Erring on the hard side of constructive and working backward to forward.
I have an item in that "leave it alone for a day or two" stage now.
If round 1 is an item round, I am almost ready.
If they leave the word count limit at 300, I am well under word count.
If they drop it back to 200 words in an evil move, I need only cut a dozen or so to fit that.
Wow, Mr Verbose Me isn't so wordy this year O-O.
Yeah I'm just starting to get into that time to write an item mode now. I'm a little rusty with regards to items. Spells, monsters, templates, and especially archetypes I'd be very ready for...
Got a couple core ideas I want to play with the reject pile will find it's way somewhere.
I'm working out two or three ideas and trying to decide which one I want to enter with. I got one that's the kind of fun item a player would like, but I'm leaning more so on a risky entry that does something cool yet really weird and complicated. While my items in the previous years have done well, neither of them could break into the top 32 because I was too "safe" with my design and didn't take risks. I was more concerned with making a balanced item rather than something that will wow people. A true RPG Superstar can take those risks and succeed at making something that breaks the game in a fun, isolated way.
Popping in to give some feedback. Erring on the hard side of constructive and working backward to forward.
I don't see your feedback. Only the item descriptions themselves.
check upper right for a link that says comments that should turn on comments for you
I'm not seeing the comments button.
weird edited permission try now
Now it's working!
I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again, because it bears repeating-- take the time to confirm your pit crew, on the chance you're selected as part of the 32.
What's a Pit Crew? This is the group of people you'll email with expectation of a quick turnaround editing/mechanics/flavor pass on your entries. I will absolutely promise you that it is essential; I've helped out three different participants in this manner, and it's one of those things you don't think about until it's pretty late and people are distracted in the new year.
Talk to folks now, before the holidays get going. Test your email list and have that bit of infrastructure ready to go.
-Ben.
(who is delightfully no longer allowed to participate)
Anyone have advice on what your pit crew is allowed to comment on and how they are permitted to do so? I have read they can give grammatical advice only. Can they give overall suggestions like: "It's a beat weak here, work on that section. Strong here, keep that"?
A collab document like that would be a great way to do a "critique my item" thread
FYI I'll add to the doc and d more feedback I'm just not sure who's still active in the thread and I don't want to critique someone who isn't paying attention anymore
JJ Jordan, your pit crew can tell you whatever you/they want (no one's going to know but you and them). What you can't do is post your item publicly or get public feedback. Obviously you don't want them writing the item for you, since it's supposed to be your work but you need to decide for yourself where your exact line is.
GM_Sol, I'd love feedback on my item (I think I only posted one this year). :)
Got a link to your item, Motteditor? I was a big fan of your poltergeist knot.
Thanks, Garrick. I appreciate that a lot.
Here's my chewing bone. It's obviously not quite suited for Superstar in that it's based, well, on a dog's bone, but I think it's an item that could actually be used somewhere with some more development.
I think I've managed at least one dog-related wondrous item each year I've participated in the Blazing 9; I think they're fun and a good type of item to post in the thread.
Done, it has been critiqued.
Chewing bone
1) Rune description feels completely superfluous as it has nothing to do with the visuals of the item's function. While many joke about this as a common trope, I have unusual tastes with regard to runes as I spent a good chunk of this year writing a document for a homebrew race surrounding runes and glyphs, describing how explicit linguistic magic ties to their philosophies and religious beliefs. By contrast, using runes as a throwaway descriptor doesn't sit well with me. I think if you or anyone else wants supernatural script on their item, perhaps just say it's in a different language, like saying "etched with Dwarven script.
Sorry for the tangent there.
2) I'd leave out the part that the target must not have anything in their mouth just to keep the mechanics simple. Besides, that would be an interesting situational use for the item: throw the bone at a creature to make them let go of a grabbed ally. Just last night, the magus in my campaign got grabbed by a T-rex gorgas.
3) This is a very interesting way to do a consumable item. However, I do agree with GM Solspiral in that it seems way too expensive and needs more durability.
4) I'd personally allow a Will save in addition to the ranged touch attack. This would give you more leverage to make the effect stronger.
5) Giving free attacks of opportunity feels really weird to me.
Makes me think of an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog. Strangely, I don't find it as "clowny" as others might think.
I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again, because it bears repeating-- take the time to confirm your pit crew, on the chance you're selected as part of the 32.
What's a Pit Crew? This is the group of people you'll email with expectation of a quick turnaround editing/mechanics/flavor pass on your entries. I will absolutely promise you that it is essential; I've helped out three different participants in this manner, and it's one of those things you don't think about until it's pretty late and people are distracted in the new year.
Talk to folks now, before the holidays get going. Test your email list and have that bit of infrastructure ready to go.
-Ben.
(who is delightfully no longer allowed to participate)Anyone have advice on what your pit crew is allowed to comment on and how they are permitted to do so? I have read they can give grammatical advice only. Can they give overall suggestions like: "It's a beat weak here, work on that section. Strong here, keep that"?
Keeping it private is usually enough. Collaboration is not allowed, so make sure you have a solid idea before you start critiquing. I think you can safely send a list of ideas to your crew and see which ones they think worth developing. Just be careful that there is only one author (you :) on your item.
FWIW I found my home crew not as helpful as I needed. As we game together what seemed like a good idea is based on a number of house rules or rules assumptions. Hmmm... maybe it is more their critique worked like a house rule. Also they are not aware of the common pitfalls in RPGSS. SiC, safe adventuring, monster-maker, game (balance?)-breakers, and a +2 skill bonus all seemed like good ideas to them. I start with my home group, to know what kernal of an idea strikes the most fancy. Then I throw the developed idea out to my RPGSS critique circle for the next couple of passes. The penultimate pass comes from my home group too. They will often be able to find things that don't quite make sense (something leftover from an earlier revision but isn't needed in the final item). My mate gets the final view though. As a non-gamer she has no assumptions about rules or mechanics. :)
...[great advice]...
-Ben.
(who is delightfully no longer allowed to participate)
Terraleon: I think 'pit crew advice' could be its own thread when the contest begins. 'Tis a good idea, so thanks for sharing :)
Congratulations on no longer being eligible!
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
|
It's a GREAT relief to be ineligible this year. :-) Everything Ben said about pit crews I can second--as a former finalist, I noticed the benefit of having a second and a third set of eyes to proofread and make sanity checks is indispensable. As long as the ideas are your own and you don't discuss your entries publicly, you're not doing anything wrong.
Anyway, good luck everyone who's entering this year! :-)
EDIT: Hmm, I wonder what's going on... my post shows my name as Serpent though my real name should be the default here on the RPGSS boards... maybe it's a pre-RPGSS change in the laws of physics. :D The boards are moooooving... or something.
FWIW I found my home crew not as helpful as I needed. As we game together what seemed like a good idea is based on a number of house rules or rules assumptions. Hmmm... maybe it is more their critique worked like a house rule. Also they are not aware of the common pitfalls in RPGSS. SiC, safe adventuring, monster-maker, game (balance?)-breakers, and a +2 skill bonus all seemed like good ideas to them. I start with my home group, to know what kernal of an idea strikes the most fancy. Then I throw the developed idea out to my RPGSS critique circle for the next couple of passes. The penultimate pass comes from my home group too. They will often be able to find things...
A home crew is good to see what ideas excite them, but not so much for creating a refined item. They don't understand the high expectations of the competition as this is not merely a contest for making cool items. It's a contest to prove you got the skills necessary to be a professional game designer.
I'm trying to encourage one of my friends to give it a shot, but the contest intimidates him.
I need a better pit crew. In past years I've asked some of my old gaming groups to give me their opinions, but they don't respond fast enough for me to really use their feedback. I've got a bunch of items out to one of them now. If he responds before the contest begins maybe I'll be able to use his input to pick the right item for the contest. If one of my pit crew had been punctual at giving me feedback on my 2013 archetype entry, he might have kept me in the competition. He called me about 3 hours after the submision deadline and told me "I don't think it comes off like you think it does." Boy, was he right. And too late to save me.
Ouch. That hurts. I think ability to respond quickly (and during the day) may be one of the top needs for a pit crew, along with brutal honesty to tell you something doesn't work.
Thanks all. I don't expect to need a pit crew (first year participating), but it's good to know just in case.
JJ -- your pit crew can also help you with your item design.
Not to mention I didn't think I was getting in my first year and was really surprised when I did. It's better to be overprepared than under.
Serpent (aka Mikko), the header at the top of the RPGSS boards was missing the logo. Instead there is a notice saying
I guess we are not in the RPGSS section of the boards as the new one is being created.
That or I am just in giddy anticipation of the holidays :)
Except my name is still showing up as my actual name...
I was going to suggest that some of last year's contenders had their screen names stick around even after they made the Top 32, but Mikko was also in the 2012 competition, like me.
Oh well. Strange glitch.
Keeping it private is usually enough. Collaboration is not allowed, so make sure you have a solid idea before you start critiquing.
To what extent can we give and take suggestions? You can take and give suggestions between your pit crew as long as they're not actually writing out any parts that end up in your entry?
You can be told and guided by statements like, this is difficult to read, or its too powerful, or i think its too costly, or you have the wrong spell or you have the wrong game system, but you have to fix things yourself.