As suggested in the Wayfinder 10 thread, I post here my items that didn’t make it. I hope the 2 tables are easy to understand.
Legacy of Sulesh the Great
Sulesh the Great, famous (or infamous, if you ask any of the genie-kind) for his knowledge of the intricacies of imposing his will upon elemental creatures, developed many items during its long career as a binder. While some of his work has already been described elsewhere(AP22 48), here are more of his creations.
Amulet of Absolute Authority
Aura strong enchantment; CL 17th
Slot neck; Price 6,500 gp; Weight —
Description
This oblong pendant, crafted from brass and etched with mystic syllabs of dominance, grants its wearer a +2 to the save DC of enchantment (compulsion) spells he cast.
In addition, wearing this amulet while binding creatures has two more effect. First, you are considered has having six more caster level for the purpose of how many Hit Dice are required to benefit of the initial saving throw. Second, the target does not benefit from reduction on the save DC regardless of which of the six methods of binding you choose.
As genies instinctively abhors the sight of the amulet of absolute subservience, you get a -4 penalty to all Diplomacy checks made against any genie knowing you are in possession of such an item.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dominate monster; Cost 3,250 gp
Ins’ Ascendance
Aura moderate evocation; CL 11th
Slot genie seal; Price 33,000 gp; Weight —
Description
A work of Sulesh named after the genies’ term for mortals, ins, this gold seal circled with small rubies gives you the use of powers related to the type of genie imprisoned inside the binding receptacle.
While in possession of the receptacle, you gain energy resistance 20 against the energy type listed below.
In addition, upon command, you can make use of a power related to the bound genie. This ability can be used once per day.
(Table)
Bound Genie.....Ability........................................Energy resistance
Djinni.......... Gaseous form or wind walk ............ ...........Cold
Efreeti.......... Wall of fire (DC 16) or pyrotechnics (DC 14) .....Fire
Janni.......... Ethereal jaunt or invisibility (self only) ..................10 against all energy types
Marid.......... Control water or water walk ..................Electricity
Shaitan .........Wall of stone or rusting grasp..... .............Acid
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, imbue with spell ability; Cost 17,500 gp
Inner Sphere’s Hierarchies
Price 7,000 gp; Accuracy +7; Associated Skill Linguistics (DC 25)
Description
Penned by Sulesh himself, each part relating to one of the four outsider genie races is written in the corresponding elemental language. This thick bronze-bound book describes in details the genealogy and ancestral deeds of all majors lineage of the genie’s nobility.
The Hierarchies of the Inner Sphere uses the same mechanics as a dungeon guideDHB 14.
Skill Bonuses
• Know of a genie’s taste (of gifts or otherwise) (Knowledge [planes] +2)
• Address a genie properly (Diplomacy +4)
• Know of a genie’s lineage (Knowledge [nobility and royalty] +4)
(Table)
Accuracy Check DCs
DC.............................Task
5 + creature’s CR........ Identify a genie’s abilities and weaknesses
10 + spell level........... Identify a spell cast by a genie
10 + item’s caster level..... Identify the properties of a genie-crafted magic item using detect magic
15.................................... Identify a genie’s species
15 + genie’s CR............. Identify a particular genie
25.................................... Know historical event related to genies
Sublimation of Substance
Aura moderate evocation; CL 11th
Slot genie seal; Price 5,000 gp; Weight —
Description
One of the first seal created by Sulesh, this oval medaillon is made of brass inlaid with pewter runes. Depending on the type of genie bound into the binding receptacle, the possessor can counter certain types of spells.
Once per day, whenever the possessor is targeted by a spell of 6th level or lower with one of the following descriptor: air for djinni, earth for shaitan, fire for efreeti, and water for marid, the spell is immediately countered, as a counterspell action. Countering the spell that way requires no action (or even knowledge) from the possessor’s part.
In addition, the possessor gain a +2 resistance bonus on saves against spells of the same descriptor as listed above.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, imbue with spell ability; Cost 2,500 gp
Taste of Elemental Perfection
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot genie seal; Price 20,000 gp; Weight —
Description
One of the greater seal designed by Sulesh, this seal is a platinum disk engraved with criss-crossing, minute runes of gold and silver.
As a standard action, the possessor can assume the form of the type of genie bound into the receptacle to which the seal is attached, as geniekind. The only difference is that instead of a +5 bonus on all Diplomacy checks made when interacting with creatures of the same elemental subtype as the imprisoned, all creatures of this subtype begins with an hostile attitude toward you.
The seal can be used for up to 10 rounds per day, which needs not be consecutive.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, geniekind (ISM 55); Cost 10,000 gp
I've not come across a slot called "genie seal" before - I wonder if that is targeting an object, if it should be "none", the standard slot for object targeting items.
Do you have a reference to another Paizo product that uses this slot or better yet, a PRD link?
I can work out the table fine. As I'm about to go to the games club, I will review more fully when I get home. Some quick points though
a) good template use.
b) Alliterative names tend to be like Marmite/Vegemite - you either love them or hate them - think of this if entering Superstar, it could polarize your votes.
c) First item is treading that auto success dodgy area of game balance, consider opposed caster type rolls using normal spell countering rules.
d) Second item - if you refer a book, I (and others I am sure) prefer the full name - it took me a while to work out Inner Sea Magic.
That's a starter for you.
Effectively, genie seal is a slot that only appeared to my knowledge in AP22: End of Eternity (beginning on p.48). I used it to stay with the same wording as the article found there.
a) thanks, I have some experience using the item template (Athasian Emporium anyone ;) )
b) I see what you mean, I used quite repetitive syllabs in two of them.
c) For that one, I worked using the binding spell description.
d) if you are refering to ins, in the first sentence I tried to explain that this is how the genies call the mortal races. Not as the Inner Sea Magic book... which I abreviated in the last item. By the way, DHB refers to Dungeoneer's Handbook.
Cool, it was the construction of the second item I was referring to - the (ISM).
I'll study them more in depth later - I'm about to introduce a new group of players to the wonder that is the Revised Special monster that is Rise of the Runelords, Anniversary Edition *evil grin*.
I think being old and santa like means that the games club send all the new intake my way - the fools :P
I guess it was the reference the the second item that threw me off, ISM is used for my last item (the geniekind spell).
I wouldn't recommend withdrawing...this thread is for practice! It takes lotsa work to get comfortable with this kind of thing. Keep working on it and maybe hit up some books or movies that feature this kind of thing. Work from there on translating that to the game.
Writing isn't easy, don't give up!
I know feedback sometimes hurts, you pour your heart and soul into things, but having had the Wayfinder editing experience, having had to get up 6 years running from trying to get design to a superstar level, I can tell you that you learn to be pragmatic and accept feedback.
I am the guy (if you search the past years, you can find it) who had judges feedback of, e.g. "I can't take anymore of this, it's given me a headache." - believe me, I know what hard feedback is. You rise above it though and who knows what can happen.
Learn from it, it makes you a better designer in the long run.
I have come to accept that I may not be a star designer, but looking back on my designs over those six years, I like to think that I have improved to a level that could one day be employable as a free lancer.
I doubt I will ever get a top 32 slot (just like Clark admits he couldn't win this contest), but that doesn't stop me trying, experiencing the journey and hopefully growing in skills and understanding of the games design processes.
Let's look at your post. 6 items, all in a similar game area. That is impressive to begin with. You had the courage to ask for feedback - even more impressive.
This shows me that not only are you full of ideas but that you want to learn, you want to design to the best you can, you want to improve and be successful. So don't give in, pick your breeches up.
Here's a challenge for you.
Pick one of those items, your favorite of the ones you have posted. Give it some polish and some visuals, give us some cinematics in a revised version.
Don't worry about word limit this time, or formatting (yes that's me saying that) - just work on your description, go crazy wild with your imagination and wow us. Then we can look at how you can do that with fewer words, costing, templating and so forth, but first, give us that golden nugget, the kernel of the item and the wow factor.
Ok, my fellow Blazing 9'ers.
Template Fu checking in...
"Mmm, hibernation over, points to be eaten - but the diet must continue. I know, below is an awful item that would feed me for weeks, the question is, just how many things wrong with it can you spot? There are A LOT!"
Apologies in advance, but this is deliberately bad to give you a problem spotting challenge.
Stereotypical Wonderbra of Doom
Aura overwhelming necromincing; CL 0th;
Slot breasts; Price 750,000 gp;Weight 1 ton.
Description
These gold filigree formed chest supports, favored by clerics of Desna, you can absolutely indubitubly shoot forth 30 magic missiles in a 372 degree arc around the wearer when they are having a bad day every round until everyone is dead or undead.
Unlike magic missile, the bolts are flourescent red in colour, leaving splatters of colour and blood on the armour and flesh of their targets at point of impact. They also deal d6+120 damage, causing the target to burst apart into an explosio9n of gore, brain goo so bad, that the wearer must make a Dc fifty fortitude check of throw up for 20 minutes losing 2d6 SAN along with a field of carrot chunks.
You may spend an action point or a mythic point to change the weight of the item to 1 kilo in order to wear it, and increase the range increment of magic missile to 160 ft and 2 centeemeters.
Constriction
RequirementsCraft Mythyc doodad, Craft Wonderous Thing, trustryke, magic missile, creator must be a previous superstar champion who is very inebriated during construction using pure 24 carat gold bars as the base component; Cost 500,000 gps.
Well done, you got about most of them.
Check the name - should not be italic bold, just bold. Next a couple of really sneaky items, one template and one pricing...
You missed the comma between the spells was italicised ;)
Next thing, you caught the not half price but did not catch the price exceeds the end of the wondrous item tables :) but you did spot it was artefact pricing
Anyone else want to add anything more? I can ;P
Wonderbra is a known make of real world item...
Construction includes the components, i.e the physical item - gold bar, it should not do this.
More?
Ok, spells were not sorted alphabetically.
Wondrous not wonderous
Feat is Mythic Crafter, and no doodad, and using the correct feat name, it should be reordered.
Finally, there are some missing spaces in the template - points to Weight and Requirements. And the cost uses gps instead of gp.
That's cool, it is the ordering of feats and ordering of spells in the construction that is so often gotten wrong, so it was a good test.
You did extremely well, I listed those extra few items for the benefit of any thread followers.
Anyone in the UK - Doctor Who 50th, An Adventure in Time and Space documentary is on BBC 2 tonight (Thursday 21st) - it looks amazing, don't miss it now.
2 days to the in cinema 3D, 50th special, and I am a lucky golden ticket holder :D
Yes, I am that sad :P
Yeah I had Brew Potion in my last year's Jagged Cauldron Superstar entry. That was probably the best thing about the item (Other than the name, I've got some good feedback for that).
Legacy of Sulesh the Great
Sulesh the Great, famous (or infamous, if you ask any of the genie-kind) for his knowledge of the intricacies of imposing his will upon elemental creatures, developed many items during its long career ...
You've got some odd language here, using "its" instead of "his." That said, it feels like a nice start to a treasure hoard. I think that's going in the right direction.
Looks like your template use is generally pretty good for these items. I didn't see anything that jumps out at me as problems.
Amulet of Absolute Authority
Template use looks good. I think you make a small mistake by leading off with a rather mundane power instead of the main ability.
In the second graf, "effect" should be plural in the first sentence. I don't think binding should be italicized in this context, since you're using it as a verb instead of referring to the spell. I might rework the sentence slightly to make sure it's clear the context: "Wearing this amulet while casting binding..."
Now, about those powers... I'm not sure I like the first one. +6 is a big boost. Add to that that it's already an 8th-level spell, so is going to be a minimum of CL 15. I feel like the power could be of more use if it were a spell that you could cast at lower levels, but by this level it feels like kind of a moot point to me. Then you remove some restrictions on the spell. I can't say I've ever really played with the spell, but my gut reaction is those restrictions are there for a reason -- getting rid of them is likely to unbalance the item a bit.
I like the idea of playing with the genie binding, but this feels a little too much just like playing with a couple numerical bonuses for me.
Ins’ Ascendance
This one feels very spell-in-a-can to me with a really strong boost of a major energy resistance. Add to that I don't know what slot genie seal is; you mentioned it came from a single AP, but that might be a bit too esoteric for general consumption. Due to it being a lesser-used slot, I'm not being forced to possibly trade off for another benefit to have this. For 33,000 gp, there's almost no way I WOULDN'T want to have this item.
Inner Sphere’s Hierarchies
Again, we start off by using a lesser known mechanic, with the dungeon guide (I don't actually know what DHB is either, so that didn't help). It's not a magic item, but it's also just not that exciting. Honestly, I'd probably sum it up by saying it can give a +2 (or whatever) bonus to Bluff, Diplomacy, Intimidate and Knowledge skill checks involving genies and leave it at that. Again, just too esoteric a mechanic, I think.
Sublimation of Substance
I actually like this one, other than not really knowing what the genie seals are still. Counterspell plays with a nice niche area of the rules and I feel like it doesn't get used that much. Not sure I love that it's apparently an instant reaction instead of requiring the wearer to do something (I might've made it a swift action to activate?) but I could see that growing on me.
My one dislike would probably be the spell selection you chose. It feels a little bit like an easy out. Not sure what I'd have chosen, but this doesn't feel like an item that should be based on imbue... to me.
So far, this is my favorite of the bunch.
Taste of Elemental Perfection
Your first sentence feels a little choppy and not as descriptive as some of the other items. I feel like this is the last item you did in a long day of writing and that you may have run out of steam.
I'm not quite sure how this is a benefit to me, if everyone's going to begin as Hostile. I'd probably also call out where the spell's from, since a quick search of the PRD doesn't result in a return, so I can't even look it up quickly. Probably too much of a spell in a can if you're saying it's just like the spell except for this one small change.
Hope this helped a little bit, at least.
... other than not really knowing what the genie seals are still
It's worth pulling this comment out generally. With round 1 now being a public vote, it is something that must be considered even more.
Although working in underused / new design space shows a good mind set as a designer, it does tend to limit your voting public and thus potentially your votes. This is the big gamble we designers must consider when creating our entry - I personally am still torn whether to have a mythic element or not.
If I do, my entry will be around 260 words, if I don't, then it will be nearer 200. If I do include it, I am gambling that mythic is wide enough or out long enough that the public wont hold it against me.
It is a big decision that I have to make, and one that probably is going to made right at the wire when I press that submit button.
I can't and shouldn't advise on which areas/new design space are dangerous, too niche or not - we all have our own tastes and system knowledge. All I can say is you must consider carefully your item's general appeal - ask yourself "am I too niche?", be brutally honest with yourself too. And above all, gather a good review circle, people who would be willing to say things like the quote above.
Hey all
Seconding Clark's post in the other thread, I have now reviewed everyone's posts in this thread AND some of your work in private as part of various review circles.
So I'm going to turn the thumb screws here too :P
I fully expect to see at least 2 of you in Top 32 this year. No names - that would be too much pressure :P
Aw heck!
ALL of you. Yup, all of you are plenty ready.
Blazing 9 is going to rule the competition this year!
Don't let me down now!
Tripping Tikka Horn
Aura moderate evocation; CL 9th
Slot wrists; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Course gray hair lines the outside of this twisting horn. Bone carved into a wolf’s muzzle makes the mouthpiece. A lone wolf howls across the distance when sounding the horn.
Sounding the horn after speaking the command word garners a haunting response from distant wolves. One round later 2d4 invisible wolves race toward the designated target and attempt to trip him (CMB 12 + number of wolves) before disappearing in ghostly echo.
Alternatively the wolves guard the horn-blower. Any successful melee attack against the horn-blower provokes a free trip attack (as above). The wolves last for four rounds in guard mode.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sounds,interposing hand; Cost 4,000 gp
I dinnae know what a tikka is, but it was on this menu so I went with chickens. A bit similar to last year's item when all was said and done.
The word tikka means "bits" or "pieces" (per Wiki). Masala would be a spice blend. And chicken's chicken.
So, anyway, name's odd. : )
I kind of like the idea of a trip, though having possible 8 trip attempts seem like it could slow the round down considerably. That seems even more likely in guard mode -- I assume you mean for the wolves to disappear after making a trip attempt, but as it reads now, they'll last four rounds.
This reminds me a bit of my second-favorite Superstar item, the shadow falconer's glove in that it creates a spectral critter to execute a combat maneuver but there's nothing that an opponent can do, since the critters have no stats.
Also, looks like you might be missing a space between your spells?
I like this Curaigh, nice visuals on this one - but I'm a sucker for wolves, spirit wolves, etc.
*looks over to his indoor wolf on mountain water fountain and smiles*
First sentence, I think it should be line not lines?
Other than that, I think Jacob has covered everything else nicely.
I think "tikka" meals in an Indian restaurant are often the ones baked in stoneware containers and have the bright orangey-red look. They tend to be very mild to no spice heat at all.
FWIW
Reply picking one of these item names. You have 1 hour from picking your item name to posting it (fun names are obviously on purpose...)Forever Bubble Blower
Anti-Rhythm Stick
Awl Over
Shouting Bar
Tripping Tikka
Splash Baby Bath
Nerfidious NappyGrin.
I think it was more like two hours though. :)
Suddenly I've got nothing. None of my items came together as I though they would. Gotta figure something out ASAP.
Here's one of those items:
Sandstrike Gauntlet
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot hands; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 5 lb.
Description
This rusted silver gauntlet is enveloped in ragged red silk, hanging freely from simple golden buckles. When shaken or used in battle, hot sand is sent flying from beneath the rags.
Up to five times per day, after hitting a target with an unarmed melee attack, the wearer of the gauntlet can chose to activate the gauntlet’s primary ability. If the target does not pass a Fortitude check with a difficulty class of 18 he is blinded for 1d4 rounds (minimum of one).
Once per day, the wearer of the gauntlet may declare an attempt to encase a Large or smaller creature in glass. After being hit by an unarmed melee attack, the target must pass a reflex save with a DC of 18 or be encased in glass casing five inches thick. During the following round the trapped creature may attempt to break out of the glass with a strength check with a DC of 15, or remain encased until broken out. If the glass is broken, the encased creature takes 2d6 damage. Anyone trapped in the glass is not subject to suffocation.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, shifting sand; Cost 9,000 gp
You've still got time. They haven't announced the contest yet, and even then you'll have a couple weeks. : )
As for your item:
CL isn't bold, but otherwise the template use looks good to me.
Your visuals are throwing me just a touch. When I think "sand," I don't really think rusted silver. Actually, I don't think silver can rust; I think it just tarnishes. (Hmm, quick search shows it can rust, but much more slowly than iron.) Still, I think copper or brass, which I associate more with desert/sand, would work better. Or maybe even sandstone...
Powerwise, I think you've got a nice tight theme, but you've got some odd phrasing and need to focus on a few more details.
Up to five times per day, after hitting a target with an unarmed melee attack, the wearer of the gauntlet can chose to activate the gauntlet’s primary ability. If the target does not pass a Fortitude check with a difficulty class of 18 he is blinded for 1d4 rounds (minimum of one).
Instead of saying the wearer can choose to activate the gauntlet's primary ability, just say the wearer can activate the gauntlet's primary ability (or even better use more descriptive words and say the wearer can spray hot sand into the target's eyes). Then, I'd copy wording from published items. It's more streamlined to simply say "the target must succeed at a DC 18 Fortitude save (not check) or be blinded for 1d4 rounds." I'm not sure why you list a minimum, when 1d4 gives a de factor minimum of one. A holdover from an earlier draft, I'm guessing?
Along those lines, 5/day seems like an odd amount to me. I guess there's nothing wrong with it, but I think it's getting up to the point that you just say they can do it whenever. I think I'd limit it to three times a day or make it any time the user has a critical hit.
Again, the odd wording continues in the next graf. You write "the wearer of the gauntlet may declare an attempt to encase a Large or smaller creature in glass." It's less wordy to write "the wearer can try to encase the target in glass" (I'd probably save the size restrictions for a later sentence.) Good use of capitalization with the Large, but you missed Reflex needing to be capped in the next sentence.
You then write "during the following round the trapped creature may attempt to break out... or remain encased." Do I only get that one chance to break out or can I continue to try? It doesn't seem like there's a benefit to not breaking out on my own (I take 2d6 either way), so why wouldn't I try? What's the glass' hp and hardness if I'm trying to break it from outside? Is the glass a permanent or instantaneous effect (which would determine if I could dispel it) or is there a duration? I do like that you thought about suffocation; that's a nice attention to detail there.
Finally, burning hands feels like a really odd choice here. There's nothing that does fire damage. I'm guessing you wanted to use it to simulate the sand being heated until it becomes glass, but I'm not sure that works. I'm not sure what a pro would say about the choice of shifting sand being used. Thematically it fits, but the powers have nothing in common (well, the glass does sort of resemble the spell's entangle effect). I might try to find something that could bridge that gap a bit more than burning hands.
You've still got time. They haven't announced the contest yet, and even then you'll have a couple weeks. : )
As for your item:
CL isn't bold, but otherwise the template use looks good to me.Your visuals are throwing me just a touch. When I think "sand," I don't really think rusted silver. Actually, I don't think silver can rust; I think it just tarnishes. (Hmm, quick search shows it can rust, but much more slowly than iron.) Still, I think copper or brass, which I associate more with desert/sand, would work better. Or maybe even sandstone...
Powerwise, I think you've got a nice tight theme, but you've got some odd phrasing and need to focus on a few more details.
Up to five times per day, after hitting a target with an unarmed melee attack, the wearer of the gauntlet can chose to activate the gauntlet’s primary ability. If the target does not pass a Fortitude check with a difficulty class of 18 he is blinded for 1d4 rounds (minimum of one).Instead of saying the wearer can choose to activate the gauntlet's primary ability, just say the wearer can activate the gauntlet's primary ability (or even better use more descriptive words and say the wearer can spray hot sand into the target's eyes). Then, I'd copy wording from published items. It's more streamlined to simply say "the target must succeed at a DC 18 Fortitude save (not check) or be blinded for 1d4 rounds." I'm not sure why you list a minimum, when 1d4 gives a de factor minimum of one. A holdover from an earlier draft, I'm guessing?
Along those lines, 5/day seems like an odd amount to me. I guess there's nothing wrong with it, but I think it's getting up to the point that you just say they can do it whenever. I think I'd limit it to three times a day or make it any time the user has a critical hit.
Again, the odd wording continues in the next graf. You write "the wearer of the gauntlet may declare an attempt to encase a Large or smaller creature in glass." It's less wordy to write "the wearer can try to encase...
Yes, the wording got very bizarre, even to me. At one point I just gave up on the item and did some fixes here and there. There were five total drafts of this item and it all kinda got jumbled. I get your point about simplifying the sentences.
5 per day seemed right to me. It is indeed an odd number, but I went with it.
The trapped creature is meant to have one chance to escape or remain in the glass. The HP and hardness can be calculated from the HP/hardness table (per inch). Its permanent until broken.
I looked a LOT into what spells I could use for it, and lacking some better fits I decided to go with the flow of the theme. I guess it didn't pay off.
Thanks for the in-depth review :)
Hello everyone,
I'm going to give the RPG Superstar event a shot this year so I'm looking for a bit of practice. This looks like a nice and friendly place. I'd love for any feedback. Thanks in advance.
Slug Boots
Aura faint conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot feet; Price 7,500 gp; Weight 1lb.
DESCRIPTION
Many deep crevices run along the dark exterior of these soft and slimy boots. The undersides of the boots are flat and smooth, suggesting a complete lack of traction. However, upon wearing the boots, it’s revealed that they provide abnormally strong stability.
On command, the boots cover the surrounding ground with a thin layer of transparent slippery mucus. Any creature, excluding the wearer, attempting to move within the area must make a successful Reflex save (DC 15) or fall. This slimy substance extends from the wearer in a 5-foot radius and lasts for up to 5 rounds each day. These rounds need not be consecutive.
At the beginning of the wearer’s turn the mucus spreads from the boots to any unaffected ground within 5 feet. The wearer can move normally while in the affected area but exiting immediately deactivates the boots and causes the slime to harden. The wearer can move normally between any connecting slime created by a different pair of Slug Boots and her own. Anyone equipped with a set of Slug Boots is immune to the slippery effects of the boots. Moving between shared areas does not count as exiting the initial wearer’s area and mucus within connected areas only harden once all Slug Boots in the area deactivate.
The magical abilities of Slug Boots cease to function in extreme hot or cold conditions. The boots appear shriveled and dry until they return to a mild temperature environment for longer than a day, after which they continue to function normally.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, grease; Cost 3,750 gp
Welcome to the Blazing 9. You're a bit late to the party though :)
First of all, the item is a spell in a can. Meaning, its an item that does pretty much the same thing as a spell. In this case, its grease. Its just got some good flavor, and I commend that.
The last sentence is unnecessary. Its rather limiting for a wondrous item. I don't think it works well. It does work with the flavor, but adds nothing to the mechanics. You also don't define extreme hot and cold conditions. Does endure elements negate this?
The writing itself is fairly good. Its not awkward and the wording seems clear.
As for the format, your spell is not in italic font. Descriptions and construction should not be capitalized. Those are the mistakes I found.
Welcome Mad Doodad!
I will catch up on critiques next week, yours included :)
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Now that I'm not a judge, I can perhaps offer a few ideas.
Some of you, particularly in this thread, are really good at mechanics. Like, really good. This may sound strange, but I think just about everyone in this thread is good enough at mechanics to make the top 32. That is not your problem.
Let me ask you this, when you design an item are you trying to do a mechanic and then picking a cool idea to fit it, or are you looking for a superstar idea and then finding the mechanic?
If (1), you are doing it wrong, if (2) you are doing it right.
Find the coolness. Find the superstar idea. You all have the mechanics chops to then write the item you come up with. It is two things: (1) the core idea, and (2) the name, that you guys in this thread have to work on.
Find the killer idea and item. A beautifully designed ok item doesnt advance. You guys here know your mechanics good enough.
Just my $0.02.
Clark
Dedicated Voter Season 7
|
Well this is my first item I have created for practice and someone recommended that I come here to get some advice. Please feel free for critique/suggestions.
Sarenrae’s Halo
Aura faint conjuration, minor evocation; CL 10
Slot head; Price 10,800 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This golden circlet has a carved sunstone inset on the front. Once a day while in direct sunlight, the wearer of this circlet can amplify the sunlight within a 50 ft radius as a standard action. Any evil creature within this radius must make a Fortitude save (DC 16), or be dazed for 1 round. If the user activating Sarenrae’s Halo is a worshiper of Sarenrae, she receives an additional 1d6 points of fire damage to all weapon damage rolls against affected creatures for the duration of combat.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, daze, flame strike, worshiper of Sarenrae; Cost 5,400 gp
Welcome to the Blazing 9. You're a bit late to the party though :)
First of all, the item is a spell in a can. Meaning, its an item that does pretty much the same thing as a spell. In this case, its grease. Its just got some good flavor, and I commend that.
The last sentence is unnecessary. Its rather limiting for a wondrous item. I don't think it works well. It does work with the flavor, but adds nothing to the mechanics. You also don't define extreme hot and cold conditions. Does endure elements negate this?
The writing itself is fairly good. Its not awkward and the wording seems clear.
As for the format, your spell is not in italic font. Descriptions and construction should not be capitalized. Those are the mistakes I found.
Thanks for the critique Orcus. I appreciate you spending the time to read it over. I realize I'm a bit late to the party but better late then never right?
I can see your point about it being a dreaded 'spell in a can' but at the same time I humbly disagree. I feel that this term gets thrown around to much. My item does in fact have similarities to the spell grease but to say it's 'pretty much the same thing', in my opinion, is wrong. I think you can probably connect every item to some spell effect in the game by now if you tried. The idea behind the item is to cause a shareable slippery effect that slows you down. How would I ever create a slippery effect for an item without someone saying 'spell in a can' - grease? I don't like how 'spell in a can' can hinder creativity. I believe the label should be used for such items that are actually just as if you had cast the spell. Thoughts?
On your question about whether endure elements would prevent the use limitation of the item, the answer would be yes as per the spell description. I'm not sure of the best way to define 'extreme hot/cold'. Any help would be great.
Well this is my first item I have created for practice and someone recommended that I come here to get some advice. Please feel free for critique/suggestions.
I like the item. I can picture a neat scene in my mind while I read it which means I'd likely use it in a game. I don't have much of a critique to offer. I'm not that good at pointing out not obvious issues so it gets my stamp of goodly-ness :) Good luck in the upcoming event. I think you'll be tough competition.
Now that I'm not a judge, I can perhaps offer a few ideas.
Some of you, particularly in this thread, are really good at mechanics. Like, really good. This may sound strange, but I think just about everyone in this thread is good enough at mechanics to make the top 32. That is not your problem.
Let me ask you this, when you design an item are you trying to do a mechanic and then picking a cool idea to fit it, or are you looking for a superstar idea and then finding the mechanic?
If (1), you are doing it wrong, if (2) you are doing it right.
Find the coolness. Find the superstar idea. You all have the mechanics chops to then write the item you come up with. It is two things: (1) the core idea, and (2) the name, that you guys in this thread have to work on.
Find the killer idea and item. A beautifully designed ok item doesnt advance. You guys here know your mechanics good enough.
Just my $0.02.
Clark
In my case I start from an idea and then try to incorporate it into the game through the mechanics. Granted, often the idea is a flop, and its hard to come up with something that has a high cool factor, but still make it into something even remotely useful.
Thanks for the advice Clark. Its always great to have someone like you lend a helping hand.
Welcome to the Blazing 9. You're a bit late to the party though :)
First of all, the item is a spell in a can. Meaning, its an item that does pretty much the same thing as a spell. In this case, its grease. Its just got some good flavor, and I commend that.
The last sentence is unnecessary. Its rather limiting for a wondrous item. I don't think it works well. It does work with the flavor, but adds nothing to the mechanics. You also don't define extreme hot and cold conditions. Does endure elements negate this?
The writing itself is fairly good. Its not awkward and the wording seems clear.
As for the format, your spell is not in italic font. Descriptions and construction should not be capitalized. Those are the mistakes I found.
Thanks for the critique Orcus. I appreciate you spending the time to read it over. I realize I'm a bit late to the party but better late then never right?
I can see your point about it being a dreaded 'spell in a can' but at the same time I humbly disagree. I feel that this term gets thrown around to much. My item does in fact have similarities to the spell grease but to say it's 'pretty much the same thing', in my opinion, is wrong. I think you can probably connect every item to some spell effect in the game by now if you tried. The idea behind the item is to cause a shareable slippery effect that slows you down. How would I ever create a slippery effect for an item without someone saying 'spell in a can' - grease? I don't like how 'spell in a can' can hinder creativity. I believe the label should be used for such items that are actually just as if you had cast the spell. Thoughts?
On your question about whether endure elements would prevent the use limitation of the item, the answer would be yes as per the spell description. I'm not sure of the best way to define 'extreme hot/cold'. Any help would be great.
Well this is my first item I have created for practice and someone recommended...
But your item doesn't bring anything new to the table. Grease spells can be cast one next to the other and achieve the same effect. There are boots that allow you to walk across slippery surfaces. As for me, a spell in a can is anything that doesn't diverge enough from its core spell. Your item does diverge from the grease in that the wearer can create a path of grease, but I don't think that's enough.
Also - Extreme hot - Desert conditions, Extreme cold - Arctic conditions.
On another note, this is by no means Superstar material. It doesn't have the cool factor that Clark just talked about. The idea isn't bad, but its not Superstar material.
Tripping Tikka Horn
Aura moderate evocation; CL 9th
Slot wrists; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Course gray hair lines the outside of this twisting horn. Bone carved into a wolf’s muzzle makes the mouthpiece. A lone wolf howls across the distance when sounding the horn.
Sounding the horn after speaking the command word garners a haunting response from distant wolves. One round later 2d4 invisible wolves race toward the designated target and attempt to trip him (CMB 12 + number of wolves) before disappearing in ghostly echo.
Alternatively the wolves guard the horn-blower. Any successful melee attack against the horn-blower provokes a free trip attack (as above). The wolves last for four rounds in guard mode.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sounds,interposing hand; Cost 4,000 gpI dinnae know what a tikka is, but it was on this menu so I went with chickens. A bit similar to last year's item when all was said and done.
I'm sorry, Curaigh, I completely missed your item.
Lets see here. I like the imagery that you offer. You don't see this kinda description often.
Wolves tripping someone is a pretty classic move, but for such a short notice, I probably wouldn't have come up with anything more inventive.
Its too bad that wolves only do tripping, even as a secondary ability. You could have done something else to further the theme. Like something along like this: Wolves or the horn can perhaps do a sonic attack, seeing how the item is a horn. You know, making a howling an actual attack. Like as long as the wolves are there the horn can make a terrifying howl that mimics a werewolf, causes fear or something like that
I like your the choice of imposing hand, but why ghost sound? It does keep with the theme, but doesn't make sense with the mechanics.
But your item doesn't bring anything new to the table. Grease spells can be cast one next to the other and achieve the same effect. There are boots that allow you to walk across slippery surfaces. As for me, a spell in a can is anything that doesn't diverge enough from its core spell. Your item does diverge from the grease in that the wearer can create a path of grease, but I don't think that's enough.
Also - Extreme hot - Desert conditions, Extreme cold - Arctic conditions.
On another note, this is by no means Superstar material. It doesn't have the cool factor that Clark just talked about. The idea isn't bad, but its not Superstar material.
Thanks Orcus. Any tips I can gleam are always welcome. I understand what you mean a bit better now and will apply your words to my next idea. I might not be superstar material but I'll still try! :)
Thanks Orcus. Any tips I can gleam are always welcome. I understand what you mean a bit better now and will apply your words to my next idea. I might not be superstar material but I'll still try! :)But your item doesn't bring anything new to the table. Grease spells can be cast one next to the other and achieve the same effect. There are boots that allow you to walk across slippery surfaces. As for me, a spell in a can is anything that doesn't diverge enough from its core spell. Your item does diverge from the grease in that the wearer can create a path of grease, but I don't think that's enough.
Also - Extreme hot - Desert conditions, Extreme cold - Arctic conditions.
On another note, this is by no means Superstar material. It doesn't have the cool factor that Clark just talked about. The idea isn't bad, but its not Superstar material.
You misunderstood. I didn't say that you weren't Superstar material. Just that this particualar item isn't Superstar material. Don't get discouraged. Keep at it.
You misunderstood. I didn't say that you weren't Superstar material. Just that this particualar item isn't Superstar material. Don't get discouraged. Keep at it.Thanks Orcus. Any tips I can gleam are always welcome. I understand what you mean a bit better now and will apply your words to my next idea. I might not be superstar material but I'll still try! :)But your item doesn't bring anything new to the table. Grease spells can be cast one next to the other and achieve the same effect. There are boots that allow you to walk across slippery surfaces. As for me, a spell in a can is anything that doesn't diverge enough from its core spell. Your item does diverge from the grease in that the wearer can create a path of grease, but I don't think that's enough.
Also - Extreme hot - Desert conditions, Extreme cold - Arctic conditions.
On another note, this is by no means Superstar material. It doesn't have the cool factor that Clark just talked about. The idea isn't bad, but its not Superstar material.
Don't worry. I'm not discouraged in anyway. I posted it here for honest opinions. It was just a test run to give me an idea of what I need to do for the contest. Slug Boots are actually the first item I created. Hopefully my second will win :)
Well this is my first item I have created for practice and someone recommended that I come here to get some advice. Please feel free for critique/suggestions.
Sarenrae’s Halo
Aura faint conjuration, minor evocation; CL 10
Slot head; Price 10,800 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This golden circlet has a carved sunstone inset on the front. Once a day while in direct sunlight, the wearer of this circlet can amplify the sunlight within a 50 ft radius as a standard action. Any evil creature within this radius must make a Fortitude save (DC 16), or be dazed for 1 round. If the user activating Sarenrae’s Halo is a worshiper of Sarenrae, she receives an additional 1d6 points of fire damage to all weapon damage rolls against affected creatures for the duration of combat.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, daze, flame strike, worshiper of Sarenrae; Cost 5,400 gp
From the template side, there are a couple hiccups, but you didn't italicise the comma between spells which so many do - well done on that one.
Aura - faint, moderate and strong are the strengths - there is no minor.
Cl 10th not 10
Weight - well done on removing the s from lbs!
Requirements - not sure on this, but I believe the phrasing after the spell should be something like "..., the creator must be a worshiper..."
It could do with a little more polish on the visuals, there is the nub of the cool idea in making the sunshine brighter.
It also treads dangerously in what is known as "SAK" (Swiss Army Knife) - a collection of loosely connected effects.
It makes light brighter
It dazes undead
It adds fire damage
There are also things you don't answer - what if a creature is affected by sunlight (e.g. fleeing from it), so brighter sunlight does anything to those already affected by normal sunlight?
If you were to rework the item, definitely look at the light aspects - things that play with areas of effect, zones, shapes, brightness have always done well, so it is a good area to practice with.
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Dedicated Voter Season 7
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Thanks Mad, best of luck to you as well.
Tendu. Thanks for the catches on the formatting. I did not realize how much went into all of that until I actually sat down to create something. It is good to see what I need to adjust. I am admittedly struggling with the SAK issue it seems. The idea to connect the effects of this item was based upon Sarenrea's domains of sunlight, healing, and fire. What kind of advice would you be willing to share on connecting different abilities? (lore, item description, etc.) I was also unsure on how much description/flare to give an item. Is simpler better or should I add a touch more detail in the actual effects happening? Thank you for the time :)
Spice, spice, baby and Clark's coin example. There are hundreds of versions of this in the critique-my-item threads, but these two explain it best imho. :)
Thanks Mad, best of luck to you as well.
Tendu. Thanks for the catches on the formatting. I did not realize how much went into all of that until I actually sat down to create something. It is good to see what I need to adjust. I am admittedly struggling with the SAK issue it seems. The idea to connect the effects of this item was based upon Sarenrea's domains of sunlight, healing, and fire. What kind of advice would you be willing to share on connecting different abilities? (lore, item description, etc.) I was also unsure on how much description/flare to give an item. Is simpler better or should I add a touch more detail in the actual effects happening? Thank you for the time :)
The same thing I am struggling with - concentrate on the image, the core visual, get that down. Then look at the mechanics once you have the core coolness.
Work on one thing only, your core main thing. Then look at your word counts. Once you have polished the core, ask yourself if you are just bolting extras on. Be brutally honest with yourself, if you are doing that, then don't do it. Stick to your central theme.
Slug Boots
Template looks good, except for the spell not being italicized.
I like your description, though I'm not sure the last sentence is completely necessary. Still, that's nit-picking.
I'm a little confused how the item works. It's a command item, so if I give the command as a standard action on my turn, it immediately fills a five-foot radius around me with grease. Then at the start of my next turn, it spreads to another five feet? That seems clear enough, but then I don't get how it works with the duration mechanic you've also introduced.
On my first read, I read it as the grease lasting for up to five rounds a day. On second read, I think what you're trying to have is that it can produce/spread slime for up to five rounds a day, with it staying greasy until the user leaves the affected area. Is that correct?
If so, I like that concept, but I think you just need to clear up the wording a bit.
I think I'd also specify that when it hardens it's simply no longer slippery (since again, I think that's your intent). Otherwise someone might read it as possibly trapping someone in it, as when glue hardens.
I'm torn about the last sentence. I actually like that idea and thinks it fits well with the theme of the boots. I didn't price it out, but if it's perhaps a little cheaper because of that limitation, that makes some sense. That said, I wouldn't use that type of drawback in a Superstar entry, since I don't think a lot of voters would like it. In a book of magic items, though, I think I would keep it.
As far as spell in a can, I think I have to disagree with Orcus. I think this *is* different enough that I wouldn't call it a spell in a can (though since we assume the general public will be voting again, it's a good reminder to be careful not to create something that others may think is a SIAC. On the other hand, last year's skipping stone was as SIAC as you can get and it was top three in the voting, per Clark).
So to sum up, I think you've got some nice visuals. I was a little confused on some of your mechanics, but if it's doing what I think it's doing, I think it's a nice item. Thumb's up from where I'm sitting. If this is indeed your first item, I think you're off to a really good start.
Well this is my first item I have created for practice and someone recommended that I come here to get some advice. Please feel free for critique/suggestions.
Sarenrae’s Halo
This golden circlet has a carved sunstone inset on the front. Once a day while in direct sunlight, the wearer of this circlet can amplify the sunlight within a 50 ft radius as a standard action. Any evil creature within this radius must make a Fortitude save (DC 16), or be dazed for 1 round. If the user activating Sarenrae’s Halo is a worshiper of Sarenrae, she receives an additional 1d6 points of fire damage to all weapon damage rolls against affected creatures for the duration of combat.
Welcome aboard, Evan. Anthony/Template-Fu already got most of your mechanics so I won't address those. He did miss that the item's name should be lowercase in the body of the text (though since Sarenrae is a proper name, that would obviously remain uppercase).
Your item's really short, which isn't necessarily bad, but I might try to take a little more advantage of your word allowance.
Your description's a little sparse, for example. That's one of the areas you can try to jazz it up a little, to sell the voters/judges on your writing ability. I'd also try to avoid "has" as a verb. There's nothing wrong with it, but look for more exciting verbs. Perhaps something like "The carved sunstone inset in the front of this golden circles sparkles where the light hits it," maybe?
Sun light dazing evil creatures. That's nice. Solid, simple, I like it. I actually like that it's any evil creature, too, not just ones that are light sensitive or undead or something along those lines.
Adding the fire damage to weapon rolls on the other hand does seem a little more unrelated, more tacked on than a part of the brighter light that the halo's creating. I like the idea of it having another affect for worshipers of Sarenrae, but I'd try to link it more to the main power. Maybe something with dazzle? That would feel more fitting, I think.
So to sum up, I think you've got some nice visuals. I was a little confused on some of your mechanics, but if it's doing what I think it's doing, I think it's a nice item. Thumb's up from where I'm sitting. If this is indeed your first item, I think you're off to a really good start.
Slug Boots
I gotta agree with this. For a first item it is indeed very good.
Thanks. I appreciate the kind words as well as the honest critiques. It's difficult to gauge a concept from close friends sometimes since they mostly just say 'I like it'. This thread opens my eyes to weak points and it's very valuable. I think I'll rewrite the slug boots soon and apply your pointers.
I gotta agree with this. For a first item it is indeed very good.So to sum up, I think you've got some nice visuals. I was a little confused on some of your mechanics, but if it's doing what I think it's doing, I think it's a nice item. Thumb's up from where I'm sitting. If this is indeed your first item, I think you're off to a really good start.
Slug Boots
This is my first item (kind of). I've created other items in my minds eye but I've never tried to apply mechanics or written one down. Overall I find the creative process really rewarding and it's a good escape from the mundane. I plan on sticking around, rpg superstar or not. :)
Good for you, Mad. I got into the contest two years ago on basically my first real item I created (I'd done a few literal SIACs, like a silence whistle and disenchanting chain for home games, but nothing more), so it can be done.
Remember, too, if your goal is to be a freelancer, Superstar's not the only way to do it, though certainly the most fun. Check out the compatible products from other publishers forum for other contests and open calls, not to mention the twice-a-year Wayfinder fanzine, which uses Paizo's game world.
Even if you don't get in, Superstar's a great learning experience. I know far more about game design now than when I got in two years ago thanks to paying attention to the contest over the years. Rewriting the item's a smart start to that practice.
Yeah, rewrite sounds like a good call. Personally, I'd add something like being able to slide up walls, trees and that sort of thing. It runs with a theme and its easy to add. Just add spider walk into the list of spells and voila.
Just add spider walk into the list of spells and voila.
Neat idea. I think I'll work it in.
So I started practicing for this event about a month ago, and I wasn't planning on posting any items on this thread. Then as the date of announcement has gotten closer, my excitement can barely be contained. So I decided to put an item up here that I have already relegated to the cutting room floor. I know there are flaws, but I would love to see if other people see flaws I didn't see. Hopefully it isn't too late for a few comments.
*Deep breath* Here goes:
Better Part of Valor Boots
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 1st
Slot Feet; Price 250 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
When worn, these lightweight boots allow the wearer to more effectively make a clean escape from crowded melee combat. When using the withdraw action, the wearer is granted a DC 10 reflex save to avoid any attacks of opportunity incurred after leaving the first square. Each attempt to avoid an attack beyond the first increases the save DC by 5, cumulative.
If the wearer makes at least one successful Reflex save to avoid an attack of opportunity, he must also make a DC 15 Will save after finishing his movement. Failure to make the Will save means the wearer is considered Frightened and is able to continue to move as if he had taken the run action. (4 times movement, 3 times if wearing heavy armor) Any additional attacks of opportunity incurred after the wearer is Frightened can still be avoided under the guidelines listed above. The wearer may make a new will save at the beginning of his next turn and each subsequent turn to overcome the Frightened condition. For every 20 feet of distance between the wearer and the original target of withdraw, the wearer gains a +2 circumstance bonus to his Will save to overcome this condition.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Creator must have minimum (1) rank in Acrobatics; Cost 125gp
Welcome Papasteve!
Name - I get the name but it is a little...long. Especially for a CL 1st and cheap item. Something with a name like that (and the phrase it is nodding to) I would have an expectation of a higher level or grand effects.
Aura - strength and school shouldn't be capitalized :)
Slot - don't capitalize.
Pricing - I'll reserve judgement on this...I'm a little leery of super low priced items.
Interjections are enticing to use. They do make for some often confused or oddly structured sentences. I'd see if you can restructure your first paragraph to be more straightforward.
Having said that, your first sentence could use a little more description of the boots themselves. The only thing we know about these boots is that they are lightweight. Item imagery also helps with the "cinematic" feel. Are they tooled leather? Are they doeskin? Etc.
This is kind of crazy good...especially at the price. ANY AoO can be avoided with a DC 10 Reflex save (which many classes can do on anything but a 1 pretty early on). It goes up by 5 for any subsequent AoO's...but this reduces an AoO from a level 20 fighter optimized for AoO'ing to a DC 10 Reflex save. Granted, it's only after Withdrawing but still, Crazy good :)
I'm not certain about this drawback. Sure there's negatives, but they aren't panicked and they get the Run action given to them plus the AoO bonus from the primary power is given to them. It almost entices a character to fail the Will save so they can use the Reflex Save DC 10 power while running instead of only on a withdraw action. Actually...reading it again...they can't use the Reflex Save since they wouldn't be able to Withdraw if they are taking the run action (while they are Frightened).
The +2 is kind of tacked on. Don't really need it.
I would expect the fear spell to be in the Construction Requirements because of the frightened thing. Which puts it at CL 7th instead of 1st and should raise the price accordingly. Creator should be lower case.
Price - Way too low for what this does. Any subsequent AoO on a Withdraw is reduced to a DC 10 Reflex save. That is crazy good. I would use these to full attack a BBEG and withdraw from one of his henchmen in the subsequent round so that the BBEG only get to hit me if I fail a DC 10 Reflex save.
Overall I like the idea here. It's creative and plays in a niche rules space. Your writing could use some structural tightening and definitely some more visuals. There are some slight template errors but that becomes second nature pretty quickly. I'd love to see a revision!
Thanks for the critique headkase! I knew this item had holes, which is one of the reasons it hit the cutting room floor, thanks for your feedback! If you don't mind I would like to mention a few things and the thoughts behind why I designed them that way, I would love to hear your thoughts.
First I will try to explain my design theme and thought process, maybe it will help make things make sense:
The crunch/rules idea I was trying to design for was the rule about the withdraw action. The withdraw action (which is a full round action, does not allow you to make any attacks) only gives you free movement for the first 5ft square you leave. Beyond that, you are fair game. ie, when you are in melee with a character who has reach, and want to run, they still end up getting an AoO when you exit the second square. Same if you are trying to escape a mass of enemies. The first guy you can get away from, but everyone else could still provoke attacks.
Since retreat is the "better part of valor", I wanted to work something in where, should you avoid an AoO (Ie dodge the potential sword swing over your head) you just might freak out, and suddenly think nothing except how to get away from the fight, until you can regain control of your emotions.
Name - I get the name but it is a little...long.
Was totally going for something eye-catching, and I was trying to play up on the thought of someone freaking out in battle, trying to get out.
Aura - strength and school shouldn't be capitalized :)
Slot - don't capitalize.
Noted for my real submission in the contest, Thanks!
...your first sentence could use a little more description of the boots themselves. The only thing we know about these boots is that they are lightweight. Item imagery also helps with the "cinematic" feel. Are they tooled leather? Are they doeskin? Etc.
I put some thought into this, and everything I thought of was wasted word count. In the end I decided less detail is better than bad detail.
This is kind of crazy good...especially at the price. ANY AoO can be avoided with a DC 10 Reflex save (which many classes can do on anything but a 1 pretty early on). It goes up by 5 for any subsequent AoO's...but this reduces an AoO from a level 20 fighter optimized for AoO'ing to a DC 10 Reflex save. Granted, it's only after Withdrawing but still, Crazy good :)
I thought it was far less good than you did, hence the reason I wanted to see someone else's perspective. My thought was that the only easy save to make was the first (ie the one from the Baddie with reach) and then after that, it got significantly harder. Want to avoid 3 AoO? The last one is a DC 20, much harder for low level characters. My design thought was that a higher level character would never bother with these boots, as there are so many better options, so it was supposed to be for someone who wouldn't actually be fighting a level 20 fighter... or level 10 for that matter. :) Its easy to see how some of my design thoughts get lost in translation though.
I'm not certain about this drawback. Sure there's negatives, but they aren't panicked and they get the Run action given to them plus the AoO bonus from the primary power is given to them. It almost entices a character to fail the Will save so they can use the Reflex Save DC 10 power while running instead of only on a withdraw action. Actually...reading it again...they can't use the Reflex Save since they wouldn't be able to Withdraw if they are taking the run action (while they are Frightened).
I'm not sure I entirely understand this part, so I'll mention my thoughts based on the rules, and please let me know if I mis-interpreted something. The withdraw action only allows a double move, and is a full round action. The run action is actually built into the frightened condition, I just wanted to make sure it was clear. Failing the will save is not good, it takes you out of the fight until you can pass the save. Any AoO incurred after failing the save still uses the cumulative save DC, so if you have already dodged 2 attacks, the third would be DC 20, then DC 25, etc. The +2 is for a specific purpose, I didn't want someone who failed the save to have a couple of bad rolls and be 1000 feet away from a fight, it wasn't supposed to be that much of a drawback. the +2 fit thematically for me because the further away you got from the source of your fear, the easier it is to then control your fear.
I would expect the fear spell to be in the Construction Requirements because of the frightened thing. Which puts it at CL 7th instead of 1st and should raise the price accordingly. Creator should be lower case.
To me, putting the fear in the requirements would make it seem like that was something that should be part of the benifit, not the drawback. Plus, I didn't want to price out low level characters (2nd or 3rd) based on my original design intent. Again, the design intent doesn't always make it through, which is the primary reason I decided to post something for practice :)
Price - Way too low for what this does. Any subsequent AoO on a Withdraw is reduced to a DC 10 Reflex save. That is crazy good. I would use these to full attack a BBEG and withdraw from one of his henchmen in the subsequent round so that the BBEG only get to hit me if I fail a DC 10 Reflex save.
Technically, only the FIRST incurred AoO is at a DC 10. It gets much harder, much faster, which was my design solution for keeping this from being way to overpowered. Did it succeed? Up for debate and discussion. As to your tactics, in my understanding of the rules, it wouldn't work. You would first need to get yourself in range of the BBEG, and would likely be there for at least one of his attacks, whether he approached you, or you approached him. Then, you would take your Full Attack, thus not allowing you to take the withdraw action until your next turn. (since the withdraw action is a full round action, you cannot attack and withdraw, you can only attack and make a normal move, which would provoke AoO as normal) Since the primary power of the boots, avoiding AoO, only activates when taking the withdraw action, the way I see it, this tactic wouldn't work. You would expose yourself to a minimum of 2 attack actions from the BBEG...
Overall I like the idea here. It's creative and plays in a niche rules space. Your writing could use some structural tightening and definitely some more visuals. There are some slight template errors but that becomes second nature pretty quickly. I'd love to see a revision!
Thank you so much for your time! Just one of the things that make this place so cool. I wasn't planning on making a revision, but for you good sir, certainly!
Welcome aboard, Papasteve. Practice makes perfect, so glad you threw your hat into the proverbial ring here.
Headkase seems to have gotten most of the template stuff, though you're also missing a space before "gp" in the cost. I'd have to double check to see how Paizo handles minimum rank requirements, but I'm guessing the "1" isn't in perens.
You're missing at least one Will save being capitalized in the second-to-last graf. Also, frightened shouldn't be capitalized.
I'd definitely give us some description of these boots. That's part of the area you can grab readers'/judges' attention to your writing and I would be careful skimping on it. If you've got words to play with, give us at least a sentence -- how would a GM describe the item if he had it in a treasure hoard?
For the benefit, you're definitely playing with some niche rules. I'd wonder whether everyone even realizes that you only get the first square free with a withdraw action; I know I was recently corrected on the rule. That doesn't make it a bad item by any means, but could be a worry for Superstar.
Similarly, the scaling save isn't really a mechanic we see a lot. I'd be a little wary of that, especially since it could be adding a lot of bookwork. I'm not sure that withdraw actually has a target, even though I know what you mean, so that's a problem too. : )
My other concern would be this sentence: "Failure to make the Will save means the wearer is considered Frightened and is able to continue to move as if he had taken the run action." I'm not 100 percent sure what you're going here for. My reading is that I take my full move action to withdraw and then make a Will save; if I fail, I can continue to move as if my withdraw action had been running (so if my move is 30, I can have moved 60 with the withdraw but then can still move 180 or 120 depending on my armor)? If my reading's right, that's the part that actually concerns me. I'd be able to willingly fail my save so I could move way away from attackers -- enough that the frightened condition wouldn't really matter, though I'm just as likely to make the save the next could since I'm getting a +12 bonus to my Will save. (I'd also probably make it +1 per 10 feet, since that's easier to do the math quickly.) If that is your intent, I think you definitely do need SOME spell associated with this.
As far as pricing, I'm a little bit with headkase. I don't know that these boots need to be a huge-cost item, but when I see 250 gold, I'm thinking a one-use expendable item, not something that could potentially benefit me for 20 levels (if I'm an archer, there's no way I'm not wearing these).