They don't use the word minimum, it's usually of the form "Creator must have 1 rank in Skillname". If the 1 is >1 then it is "Creator must have x ranks in..."
Taking Clark's advice, here is my first draft of an item that started with the cool visual effect - cool being quite literal for this one...
Sliders
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot feet; Price 6,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Grass instantly freezes, crunching beneath the tread of these white dragon hide thigh high boots.
These constantly steaming boots alter the wearer's movement into an ice dancer’s glide for six rounds, increasing their speed by 20 feet, and leaving in their wake a trail of permafrost sheet ice lasting for four rounds. Treat this icy trail as difficult terrain for all but the wearer. The permafrost trail has sufficient strength to bear the weight of the wearer when used to cross streams, rivers and small lakes.
Enclosing an area by causing the trail to cross itself forces the area to fill with an icy sheen, the same thickness, properties and effects as the trail surrounding it. All creatures but the wearer must make a DC 16 Reflex save or fall prone.
Creatures susceptible to cold are slowed (as slow) when they start their turn standing on the permafrost ice left by the boots.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, wall of ice; Cost 3,000 gp
Superstar year 1 old school word limit friendly too! :D
Thanks Jacob! Again, I am very humbled and grateful to have others give me a few minutes to critique my item and write a few words. Much appreciated.
Template stuff is buttoned up, you are correct about the Paran around ranks.
how would a GM describe the item if he had it in a treasure hoard?
That couldn't express any more clearly the importance of a good description, the actual item I submit will have this in spades.
For the benefit, you're definitely playing with some niche rules. I'd wonder whether everyone even realizes that you only get the first square free with a withdraw action; I know I was recently corrected on the rule. That doesn't make it a bad item by any means, but could be a worry for Superstar.
This is one of the main reasons this item wasn’t going to be used in the actual contest.
Similarly, the scaling save isn't really a mechanic we see a lot. I'd be a little wary of that, especially since it could be adding a lot of bookwork. I'm not sure that withdraw actually has a target, even though I know what you mean, so that's a problem too. : )
That may be a group specific thing – I know the scaling mechanic gets used (whether or not it is spelled out in a book somewhere) for PC/NPC drinking games, or other similar skill check obstacles. In my opinion, its not really much bookwork, because all the mechanics are happening in one round. I realized I don’t have anything spelled out for what happens if the reflex save is failed, a mechanical oversight on my part.
My other concern would be this sentence: "Failure to make the Will save means the wearer is considered Frightened and is able to continue to move as if he had taken the run action."
This is in to actually eliminate confusion. You must decide to withdraw at the beginning of your turn, which is a full round action, and essentially a double move. You are not allowed at that point, to change your mind and “run”, which is in essence a quadruple move. The withdraw is what gives you that first square free from provoking an AoO. You can’t do that and run. I just wanted to make it clear that, when the Will save is failed, you are now moving as if you had chosen to take the run action from the beginning. Maybe that isn’t clear enough in the description.
All of this advice is awesome. I think it will really help me focus on what areas need cleaned up for the actual item I will be submitting for this contest. There are a few formatting errors I can make sure get cleaned up, and probably the biggest thing is making sure that my design intent is clear through the description. Thank you again headkase and Jacob for taking the time to weigh in!
Anthony:
My opinion means very little, just for the record, so take what I might say with a grain of salt.
I just watched the movie "Frozen" and this made me think of the movie instantly. Beware of copyright type items. Even if it is safe for copyright issues, a judge could potentially dismiss for a perceived lack of originality.
Some of the math might be a little off, but I think that is totally the opinion of the reader, if that makes sense. say I can move 30 ft normally, and add 20 for the boots, suddenly I can make a 50ft by 50ft square in 4 rounds, and then the entire interior is suddenly difficult terrain, with a bonus 'trip' effect. Could be perceived as severely OP based on cost. I would wear them just for the speed increase...
Also, a comment on my item earlier was the possiblity of increasing bookwork. You would need to track exactly where you moved, and how many rounds ago you were standing there to know when the ice trail dissappeared.... that could get overwhelming quickly.
Just my two cents. The good news is? you are spot on, very cool visual.
Never seen frozen, so I wouldnt know about that :(
Hmmm, better stay away from all icy stuff for a while, it was the tracking aspect that made me reject it in the end, for the very reason you said :)
I have three items at the moment, so maybe one more to come to this thread.
Taking Clark's advice, here is my first draft of an item that started with the cool visual effect - cool being quite literal for this one...
Sliders
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot feet; Price 6,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DescriptionGrass instantly freezes, crunching beneath the tread of these white dragon hide thigh high boots.
These constantly steaming boots alter the wearer's movement into an ice dancer’s glide for six rounds, increasing their speed by 20 feet, and leaving in their wake a trail of permafrost sheet ice lasting for four rounds. Treat this icy trail as difficult terrain for all but the wearer. The permafrost trail has sufficient strength to bear the weight of the wearer when used to cross streams, rivers and small lakes.
Enclosing an area by causing the trail to cross itself forces the area to fill with an icy sheen, the same thickness, properties and effects as the trail surrounding it. All creatures but the wearer must make a DC 16 Reflex save or fall prone.
Creatures susceptible to cold are slowed (as slow) when they start their turn standing on the permafrost ice left by the boots.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, wall of ice; Cost 3,000 gpSuperstar year 1 old school word limit friendly too! :D
Let's see ... A bit of awkward wording at " white dragon hide thigh high boots".
Saying that something leaves a layer of permafrost for four rounds is sort of an oxymoron. Permafrost is layer of ice that has persisted for a long time. Perhaps a better wording would be simply a sheet of ice.
I like the area enclosing. I had something similar in stock for my Superstar item, but decided against it, because I found something too similar. It does have some cinematic value.
As far as the mechanics go, I don't see any flaws.
Overall a pretty nice item.
Never seen frozen, so I wouldnt know about that :(
Thats why I used the word "Perceived". I think that is probably one of the biggest challenges for this contest, and you illustrated it perfectly without even knowing. You have never seen the movie, but there is a scene where the snow queen runs across a lake while the water freezes beneath her feet, which is why I thought of it immediately from your description. It is impossible to take in everything that is out there and still come up with something unique. Obviously that is a big part of the challenge, but there are definitely some hidden pitfalls that lots of us are going to fall into...
All that being said, I hope you didn't take my critique as not liking your item, because I really like the visual you have. Boots that help you move faster, create difficulty for your enemies, and by running circles around them potentially trip them up. I think it is still a worthy item, just try to pay attention to what it does and what the value is.
I don't have any experience in this contest, other than hours of reading past items, but it seems the general theme is "Awesome Idea" trumps "Shaky details" every time. Pay attention to details, but don't lose your idea's awesomeness for the sake of a bonus that makes more sense mathematically. The way I see it, if you have two items side by side that are awesome ideas, but one has tight mechanics and verbage, it will win every time. But an awesome idea with shaky mechanics will beat a boring idea with tight mechanics every time. In my humble and not necessarily credible opinion, you are on the right track.
All that being said, I hope you didn't take my critique as not liking your item, because I really like the visual you have.
Not at all, I actually prize good honest feedback, it's the only way I can improve :)
Thanks and the same to everyone in Blazing 9 - a fantastic run of fun between competitions as always.
Just 21 days to Christmas now... and all those new Pathfinder books! ;)
I don't have any experience in this contest, other than hours of reading past items, but it seems the general theme is "Awesome Idea" trumps "Shaky details" every time. Pay attention to details, but don't lose your idea's awesomeness for the sake of a bonus that makes more sense mathematically. The way I see it, if you have two items side by side that are awesome ideas, but one has tight mechanics and verbage, it will win every time. But an awesome idea with shaky mechanics will beat a boring idea with tight mechanics every time. In my humble and not necessarily credible opinion, you are on the right track.
Dinnae sell yourself short Papasteve08. One of the reasons I started this thread was to get critiques from out of my box. My regulars dinnae care much for design and every critique I got was "looks cool" or "nah". The fact that you have spent hours reading past items means your credibility is way ahead of the curve.
Even more this year, given that YOU are a voter YOUR opinion does matter. Everyone's does. :)
Even more this year, given that YOU are a voter YOUR opinion does matter. Everyone's does. :)
*Tips Hat*
Bramble Wreath
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Evergreen boughs wrap around holly branches and their blood red berries. Shiny gold edges much of the needles and holly creating sharp cutting tips.
The cutting edges on the plants grow to deadly sizes by tossing the wreath onto the ground. This creates a 20 ft. diameter growth of brambles. Anyone caught in or entering the bramble area takes 2d6 piercing damage and is thrown into an extra-dimensional space filled with the wreath’s growth. A trapped creature arrives fifty feet from the bramble's edge and may move with a bull rush attempt (DC 20). Needles and leaves pierce the moving creature dealing 2d6 piercing damage for each five feet traveled. The creature subtracts its armor bonus or natural armor bonus from this amount (minimum 2 points of damage).
Cutting or burning the brambles has no effect as new growth fills up the space. The brambles disappear after 10 minutes. Creatures still caught in the brambles appear adjacent to the wreath.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spiked pit, wall of thorns; Cost 15,000 gp
Bramble Wreath
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Evergreen boughs wrap around holly branches and their blood red berries. Shiny gold edges much of the needles and holly creating sharp cutting tips.
The cutting edges on the plants grow to deadly sizes by tossing the wreath onto the ground. This creates a 20 ft. diameter growth of brambles. Anyone caught in or entering the bramble area takes 2d6 piercing damage and is thrown into an extra-dimensional space filled with the wreath’s growth. A trapped creature arrives fifty feet from the bramble's edge and may move with a bull rush attempt (DC 20). Needles and leaves pierce the moving creature dealing 2d6 piercing damage for each five feet traveled. The creature subtracts its armor bonus or natural armor bonus from this amount (minimum 2 points of damage).
Cutting or burning the brambles has no effect as new growth fills up the space. The brambles disappear after 10 minutes. Creatures still caught in the brambles appear adjacent to the wreath.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spiked pit, wall of thorns; Cost 15,000 gp** spoiler omitted **
Super-quick thoughts:
- Nice, evocative description
- How far and how accurately can you throw this thing? Perhaps give it a range increment and treat it like a splash weapon.
- Bull rush is a combat maneuver, and does not have a DC. You need a CMD instead.
- No save to avoid getting sucked in? That seems harsh, especially considering the pit spells allow a save.
- Good job actually reaching 9 items :-)
Jacob pinged all pretty much all of the thoughts I had when I first read the item earlier today. Cool idea, creative application.
I have to admit, I had to re-read the part about being 50 feet from the edge a few times... the two different numbers kind of confused me. I think I got the jist of what you were trying to accomplish though.
Quick math - Level 10 Wizard (no armor), average HP in the neighborhood of 40 to 50 (depending on favored class options) this would be an insta kill. Average damage to leave the extra-dimensional space would be 70 (20d6 by my count). It might even insta-kill a level 15 character who wears no armor.
What about freedom of movement? It seems like the effect you are going for the worst briar bush peter rabbit has ever seen... does this count as an entangle effect?
Just my 2 cents - hopefully it helps you tighten up your real design for the contest!
Goals this week:
1) Finish reviewing items.
2) Make one more item myself.
3) Fidget a lot.
Dropping out of the bottom of the recent round of review feedback is this little something.
I haven't edited it a great deal apart from a better multi-hued dragon tie in.
Fingers crossed I'm keeping the best two items for choosing from on submission day >.<
Imperial Coil Pebble
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 10,000 gp; Weight —
Description
This smooth, flat anthracite pebble bears an exquisite gold leaf motif of an imperial sky dragon spiraling its surface.
Throwing the pebble horizontally or vertically, in the manner of a skipping stone, creates rainbow arcs of light as it skips. each rainbow solidifying into a multi-hued coil of an imperial sky dragons snake like torso. The coils, constantly undulating in the direction of the throw, form a sinuous bridge or spiral stairway lasting for six rounds, connecting the point of throw to another solid surface within a 100 foot range.
Stepping onto the coils and standing still results in the creature being moved by the undulations of the coils, bobbing up and down as they are propelled along at speed 20 feet. Actively moving with the coils, increases their speed by 20, moving against the coils reduces it by the same.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, air walk; Cost 5,000 gp
Hello everyone! I don't think I've been on these forums since last year's contest, so it's time to butter up the voters dive back into wondrous items.
Anthony - You made an escalator work in Pathfinder! I like it.
Wording critique:
* "multi-hued coil of an imperial sky dragons snake like torso" should be replaced by something snappy.
* Name is also awkward.
* You say "another solid surface" but as written the pebble only requires a solid surface at the target, not the point of origin.
* It took me a couple rereads to figure out that the last sentence referred to the creature's base speed and not their 20 ft movement rate atop the coils (but maybe I'm thick). Could it be replaced by "...along at speed 20 feet, in addition to regular movement."?
Mechanics critique:
* How wide are the coils?
* How do I retrieve my 10,000 gold pebble at the end of the effect?
====
I'll try to make an item or few today, someone else say something so I don't feel irrationally guilty for doubleposting later.
One more for the road, as they say (hoping tomorrow's the announcement)... This one's obviously not to be taken too seriously in terms of mechanics; I just kind of spitballed 'em for my amusement.
Ring of Doom
Aura faint enchantment; CL 3rd
Slot Ring; Price 15,000 gp; Weight --
Description
Small inset diamonds lead up the exterior of this white gold band to highlight a prominent round-cut diamond of unsurpassed brilliance.
Picking up this ring requires a DC 13 Will save; failure means the would-be bearer becomes panicked for 1d6 rounds. This is a mind-affecting fear effect.
The ring grants its wearer a +1 morale bonus to saves vs. enchantment effects.
Its greater powers, however, require giving it to another, which creates a bond between the giver and recipient. Doing so is not easy, though -- the giver must succeed at a DC 13 Will save or become panicked for 1d6 rounds and shaken for 1d6 days. This is a mind-affecting fear effect.
As long as its worn by the recipient, the giver knows her location and condition, as if he had cast status. In addition, the recipient gains a ward against the attention of others, giving her the benefits of sanctuary (DC 13 Will save negates). This effect is more potent against those who might be attracted to her; if they succeed at the Will save, they are shaken each round they try to attack her.
Construction
Requirements Forge Ring, sanctuary, status; Cost 7,500 gp
I'll try to make an item or few today, someone else say something so I don't feel irrationally guilty for doubleposting later.
I want to just say "No" and leave it at that, but I'm not sure I have been on the forums long enough for the sarcastic humor to make it through.
No.
(Now I'm safe)
A lot of activity in the last two weeks, so my critiques are behind. These are short in the hopes of getting through them before this becomes 'last year's thread'.
Limestone Gloves
*blindness could be in the requirement, though if you did it would be SiaC 2x,
**sand and grit = elements? otherwise solid description,I dinnae associate limestone with dust storms, but maybe I am from the wrong type of desert.***which creature needs to make a reflex save (presumably one caught up in the worldwind :)
Nice description theheadkase :)
Dragonflight Lantern
*I dinnae think hp, hardness, AC should be bold. they are not in the equipment page at least.
**lot of busy work for a faerie fire.***I hope mated pair means something different in the UK. If that was on an earlier version I missed it (or maybe because my threatened skinks had a baby I have something different on my mind now :)
Love the dragons and description of them circling a target. :)
just looking at the first of Methvezem's as much of the critique is the same for all of them.
Amulet of Absolute Authority
*some subject/verb agreement issues (he casts, two more effects0.
**6,500 is cheep for a 17th level caster, but I think this is correct for the primary power. A 6 caster level jump seems better than 6,500 though.***some extraneous words complicating the mechanics IMHO.
I am not sure how genie binding works, but if this came up in a novel I would sincerely say 'oh yeah, like this!'
Sandstrike Gauntlet
*'envelops' and 'flying' are stronger verbs than 'is'
**the wind up is greater than the pitch. By this I mean the writing tells us the primary power is coming, then describe the (presumably) primary power. Skip to the power to grab the reader sooner.*** not that 'tis needed here but you can save some word count. 'Of the gauntlet' is assumed when you say 'the wearer'
I really like the idea of melting glass around a foe, that they should take damage to break out is a nice touch as well. :)
Slug Boots
*'tis getting late, but the last two sentences in P1 could be combined. The soles lack traction, however they provide abnormally strong stability. This does cut out some of the visuals and hence the writer's voice, so not all of it has to go, I just wanted to show where it could.
**1_lb.***if the rounds aren't consecutive does the slime reappear in squares used hours ago or is it where the boots are currently? I know you know the answer, try to anticipate/include it in the writing.
I love slimy boots motif, I might have seen these before, but I still like the visuals and the name :)
I have three more (or was it six) I hope to get to in the morning.
I think the visuals are good on the lot and more importantly improving. As Clark said the mechanics are there for most part as well. Mechanics being the easiest part to practice (as Sean says, the part that can be taught) I think this thread has served its purpose! That leaves the great idea, the creative juggernaught, the mojo-spiced awesome sauce for your entry. Swing for the fences and good luck everyone!
I will echo that, good luck and swing hard all. Thanks for a good Blazing 9(or was that 8).
Ack, Today's the day it is going to start!
Must make decision soon - maybe one or two more edits, then I have to decide - arrrrgh.
Was going to limit myself to 45 minutes, ending up spending 115. Had a lot of fun though!
Weatherman's Goggles
Aura moderate illusion; CL 9th
Slot eyes; Price 10,000 gp; Weight —
Description
In lieu of lenses, these goggles place two massive glass roses over the wearer's eyes, their elaborate petals always revealing a beautiful sunny day regardless of the actual weather. Fog, dust storms, and precipitation never affect the wearer's sight, who can even see objects completely buried in snow.
Whenever the wearer would be adversely affected by weather, he must make a Will save (see charts below). If he succeeds, he refuses to believe in its existence and ignores all weather-related movement penalties for the next ten minutes. The goggles offer no protection from extremes of temperature or other dangers, and until the wearer fails a save he will take no actions to avoid or mitigate any of these that result from weather (including removing the goggles).
Weather type and DC to disbelieve (see Table: Random Weather):
* Normal weather: DC 0
* Abnormal weather: DC 15
* Inclement weather: DC 20
* Storm: DC 25
* Powerful storm: DC 30
DC Modifiers:
* Wearer took damage from weather since disbelief began: +5, increasing by +5 each save as long as damage continues
* An ally falls unconscious or dies from weather: immediate new save against +15 DC
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, misdirection, persistent image, read weather Cost 5,000 gp;
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I'm not sure on this one, I need to think on it. This means that in the open voting, it is up against the time I am willing to spend per vote.
So what troubles me - nothing major, just a sense of unease.
Firstly, if I had a glass rose, with all the bends and petal layers, I think images would become distorted (like privacy glass used in bathroom windows).
Also, if I understand, it's benefit is almost a curse - so you can move freely through the blizzard but you cant save against freezing to death. This makes me not inclined to want this item.
The duration, I think I am likely to want such a device when I am caught in the wilderness with a turn of weather that is potentially life threatening, so a 10 minute duration means I can't go very far with it's benefits. Again, I am not saying its wrong, it just doesn't "feel right".
Your template use was spot on with the exception of the spell list in construction, which should have terminated with a ; - You are almost nailing this, well done.
Name - I am the king of bad names (as you can tell with some of the items posted to Blazing 9 this year). There is nothing wrong with the name, it's functional, describes the item BUT it doesn't make me go "ohh shiny!", or excite me in any way.
A good practice item, I think with a little more shiny, you could do very well in the competition this year.
I hope there is something helpful in there for you.
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Rose colored glasses. Item usefulness? Who cares, its blazing 9s right? A+ for creativity.
Just spitballing something that sounds fun... I love the idea of, as a GM, introducing a very dim-witted NPC to the party, that the party must rely on as a plot device, and giving him these glasses. Except he has no idea he is wearing them. And he has a very high will save...
"C'mon friends! Just down this way! Just because I am the only one who can open the secret passageway doesn't mean we can't be friends!" [walks straight toward an oncoming tornado]
Finally near the end of the adventure, after the party succeeds and begins to head home. They gladly begin to trudge through some drifts left behind by the winter tornado, a minor inconvenience compared to the weather they just came through. "Hey guys, it looks a little chilly out there. you sure you wanna go walking through all that snow? my pants might get wet..."
My subconscious had pinged what was niggling me
"always revealing a beautiful sunny day regardless of the actual weather"
even when it's night?
That was what was poking me, what happens when it's night? Or you enter a plane of existence where there is no weather?
Thanks for the feedback, guys! Good point about night. At one stage the roses did distort your vision and continue the "weatherman" joke by making you even more an optimist (Perception penalties to spot threats, enemies gain concealment against you). But I have a weakness for story items (ones that lead to memorable moments, like the one Papasteve posted) and went with the bigger, funnier drawback instead.
I'm aware that most adventurers don't agree with my great purchase decisions (expensive items that will kill me), & will keep it in mind for my actual submission. :)
Sarenrae’s Halo
*'inset' is a stronger verb than 'has'. Try switching the Object and Subject within the sentence.
**DC 16 seems low for a 10th level caster, but I think the caster could be lower. The flamestrike could be replaced with burning hands, flame blade, produce flames or fireball. Since Sarenrae has access to the fire domain this still works for clerics.***direct sunlight is difficult to come by in many campaigns, dungeon crawls urbran adventures, & most forests do not provide direct sunlight. Not to mention weather.
I like dazing any evil creature in radius (an effect, but not an uber-powerful one) & then worshipers get a boon, nice!
Better Part of Valor Boots
*name needs work, valor boots would be enough of the phrase to get the point across, (admittedly it does lack the oomph necessary to hook a reader)
**complicated is not the same as rules savvy, since this is a trap I fall into take this with a grain of salt. I would leave out the will save bit, or rather make it at the beginning of the action so it is 'this' or 'that' not 'if this' then 'that'***start with (or at least include) the concrete. Readers need something to stand* on before they leap into the rules.
***makes adventuring safe (SKR’s #... 20?)
I like the option of avoiding more AoO and reflex is a good way to do it. nice niche :)
Sliders
*sliders are a type of burger, a real world item would have been helpful.
**boots, white boots, dragon hide boots, thigh high boots, white dragon hide. Similarly enclosing, causing, cross, forces, fill, surrounding, are all verbs in the same sentence.***permafrost or ice-bridge, one is underground (and as has been said lasts for ...well... :) also if the ice is in 'their wake' what happens when they first step on the water, chasm, alligator infested lake?
I do like slow as an effect for those susceptible to it. :) added bonus in a limited way!
Imperial Coil Pebble
*Each should be capitalized and solidifing needs a tense change. While I am on that sentence 's for dragon.
**how many people on a single coil? Similarly if I make a double move do I run out of arc?***I should have looked up anthracite, but since it ended up with 'cite' i took it as a scientific name of a type of rock. Science & dragons... OK. black coal, hard coal, stone coal have better imagery for an english major like myself :)
I like the escalator aspect, especially with the adjustments to speed.
Weatherman's Goggles
*are the pluses in the final paragraph to the DC or to the save. It reads as DC, but when an ally dies it should be easier to resist, not harder.
**if weather affects movement is it ignored mechanically (five foot square being five feet) or is it ignored mind-affectingly (hmmm... I made it to the end of the room, but it took me two rounds instead of one).***something of a plot device (or maybe a cursed item) as the only PC who would use these is one unaware of the abilities.
I have seen a lot of rose-colored lenses, but affecting weather and movement is new. Nice job. :)
Ring of Bliss
Aura strong enchantment; CL 3rd
Slot Ring; Price 15,000 gp; Weight --
Description
Small inset diamonds lead up the exterior of this white gold band to highlight a prominent round-cut diamond of unsurpassed brilliance.Picking up this ring requires a DC 13 Will save; failure means the would-be bearer becomes panicked for 1d6 rounds. This is a mind-affecting fear effect. Subjects near a loved one gain a +5 bliss bonus to this save.
The ring grants its wearer a +1 morale bonus to saves vs. enchantment effects.
Its greater powers, however, require giving it to another, which creates a bond between the giver and recipient. Doing so is not easy, though -- the giver must succeed at a DC 13 Will save or become panicked for 1d6 rounds and shaken for 1d6 days. This is a mind-affecting fear effect.
As long as its worn by the recipient, the giver knows her location and condition, as if he had cast status. In addition, the recipient gains a ward against the attention of others, giving her the benefits of sanctuary (DC 13 Will save negates). This effect is more potent against those who might be attracted to her; if they succeed at the Will save, they are shaken each round they try to attack her. All saving throws needed by either person are made by both and the better save is used. Likewise hit points and damage is shared among both, increasing survivibility in sickness or worse times.
Construction
Requirements Forge Ring, sanctuary, shield other, status; Cost 7,500 gp
fixed that for ya :)
Thanks for the feedback, guys! Good point about night. At one stage the roses did distort your vision and continue the "weatherman" joke by making you even more an optimist (Perception penalties to spot threats, enemies gain concealment against you). But I have a weakness for story items (ones that lead to memorable moments, like the one Papasteve posted) and went with the bigger, funnier drawback instead.
I'm aware that most adventurers don't agree with my great purchase decisions (expensive items that will kill me), & will keep it in mind for my actual submission. :)
My buddy and I spitballed your rose colored glasses idea. Just a couple of random brainstorm ideas we came up with. (that admittedly completely change your item) For what its worth, we both loved the idea, and even though we have no 'street cred' we thought it was a superstar quality idea. We are both bummed you submitted it here.
Rose Colored Glasses of optimism. These glasses give you a +2 Optimism bonus to all skill checks "Yea guys! We can do it! That ledge isn't nearly as far away as it looks! We got this!"
However if you ever fail a check, the glasses turn dark with the cloud of pessimism. All skill checks for the next 24 hours suffer a -2 pessimism penalty. "Oh whatever. There is no way I can climb that rope. Its too far. Plus its warmer down here. Probably just another ornery hobgoblin at the top anyways."
You could take it a million directions. Which is why it is fun, and why we liked it.
Better Part of Valor Boots*name needs work, valor boots would be enough of the phrase to get the point across, (admittedly it does lack the oomph necessary to hook a reader)
Booter Part of Valor >__>
*are the pluses in the final paragraph to the DC or to the save. It reads as DC, but when an ally dies it should be easier to resist, not harder.
**if weather affects movement is it ignored mechanically (five foot square being five feet) or is it ignored mind-affectingly (hmmm... I made it to the end of the room, but it took me two rounds instead of one).
***something of a plot device (or maybe a cursed item) as the only PC who would use these is one unaware of the abilities.I have seen a lot of rose-colored lenses, but affecting weather and movement is new. Nice job. :)
* Those increase the DC, but that DOES make it easier to resist. I was sloppy not revamping this: be forewarned, submitters, having a DC the player sometimes wants to fail is completely unintuitive. (Also, can you voluntarily fail a Will save? I have no idea.)
** Ignored mechanically. I thought this is clear, but there's probably a less ambiguous phrasing than "ignore".*** I tend to make DM items more than PC (and to buy this kind of story-driving item with my PCs) and this thread is a fun place to indulge myself without consequence. I do appreciate hearing my suspicions confirmed though.
Weather or not an item is considered cliche is something that worries me after my (first) item last year got some quill-hate (also some way-bigger-problems-than-that hate), so it's good to hear "what's been done".
My buddy and I spitballed your rose colored glasses idea. Just a couple of random brainstorm ideas we came up with. (that admittedly completely change your item) For what its worth, we both loved the idea, and even though we have no 'street cred' we thought it was a superstar quality idea. We are both bummed you submitted it here.
(...)
You could take it a million directions. Which is why it is fun, and why we liked it.
Thank you very much! Nerve-wracking to hear you chose the wrong item to reveal, but while I do think it's a fun concept with a lot of potential, I don't think it's the best choice for this contest.
How I could improve it:
* Replace the "Will save to disbelieve reality" with a more intuitive mechanic, or remove the drawback for succeeding on a save.
* Add more "shiny" as Anthony said. Even without the drawback most people aren't wowed by the idea of dealing with mundane problems.
Problems that would still remain:
* Using real world idioms and concepts like "rose colored glasses" and "inaccurate weatherman" might rub people the wrong way. It's difficult to achieve the right amount of subtlety so it's a funny reference but still a reasonable in-world item.
* The added "shiny" would have to stay true to the theme of avoiding weather inconveniences and still wow people. This is achievable but it seems a big hurdle to set in front of myself when I could start with a more contest-appropriate concept in the first place.
Removing the weatherman theme and building it from the ground up as an optimism item neatly avoids some of these issues, and I'd love to see more of your ideas for that item. :)
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Oh, I missed the "anthracite" in Anthony's item. Personally I like the word but anthracite is jagged, not smooth and flat.
I posted a wondrous item in July, which is the busiest time of year at work for me. I did not have a chance to repost any edits I made, but I wanted drop in and say thanks to you all for this awesome thread a full five months later- oops.
I appreciate the feedback I got, it helped me figure out some of my writing flaws. Keep up the good work, I hope to be able to contribute a bit more next time around.
Kudos, Blazing 9! Thanks!
I immediately started panicking when I saw the 7 hour deadline. Then I realized that the deadline was 1st of January. I've got so many half finished items. The next year's Blazing 9 is probably going to be filled with them.
Welcome aboard, Christian, however belatedly. Just to make sure you know, by posting this it's no longer eligible to actually be your entry.
First thing I see is you've removed all the BBC code for your item. The name, aura, CL, slot, price, weight, description, construction, requirements and cost should all be bold. This is one of those things that'll get a lot of voters to just reject you out of hand, so definitely make sure you copy the template correctly.
It's got some other formatting issues -- these aren't critical if your item is otherwise great, but for a lot of people these things are tie-breakers, that let me choose why to vote down your item over others. The aura and slot should both be lowercase. You're also missing a space between Price and 3,000. The first letter of feats -- i.e. Craft Wondrous Item -- should be all uppercase (and Item is singular). The spells should be lower case and italicized. You've also got an extra space between the last spell and the semicolon.
Some other style things to keep in mind. Iron, in the first sentence, doesn't need to be capitalized. When you use the name of the item in the description, it should be lowercase and italicized. Be careful of some other verbiage as well -- you use cross bolts, for example, instead of crossbow bolts. Druid doesn't need to be capitalized...
OK, getting away from some of the more mechanical aspects, I feel like the writing in your first graf is a little choppy. For example, "The Ferrous fleece has two different states attract and repel, the wearer decides if the fleece attracts or repels which can be changed by taking it off and putting it back on" basically repeats that it can attract or repel. I'd try to smooth out the flow of that sentence; you can probably eliminate the first part completely. Instead of rusted looking fleece, would rust-colored fleece be a better descriptor?
I think the last sentence in the first paragraph especially is confusing and not needed: First of all, you call it armor, even though it's ... actually, I don't really know what it is. Is it a shirt? A mantle? Second, you say it's immune to to non-magical rust, which makes me think it might not be immune to magical rust -- but I don't know what the effects of magical rust on it are. Finally, look at published magic items from Paizo -- they don't have sections telling you what is advised to do, so your contest entry shouldn't.
As for what the item actually does, I actually really like the idea of magnetic fleece, though I don't know how many sheep are on the plane of elemental earth. : ) I'm also not sure why the repel bonus to AC would affect bolts but not arrows. That said, I think I'd like to see a little more oomph to the penalties and bonuses -- you're basically just giving me some numerical bonuses and penalties, which isn't very Superstar. I might like to see anyone wearing metal armor be dragged/pushed five feet toward/away from the wearer when it's activated unless they make a save (or perhaps give the item a CMB so it has to roll every round).
I hope that's not too harsh. They're just my thoughts, a lot of it over technical/style issues that you can clean up for the contest itself.
Don't forget - anyone posting to this thread has until Friday 20th December to PM me one item of their choice for a template and general review. It must be via PM on this site so as not to break any anonymity.
One item, one review per person who posted an item on this thread. Must be PM'd to me on this site. Turn around per item will be around 1-2 days unless they all get posted to me that same day :P
This post is the cut off for this offer. I will stop reviews after 26th December, so if I don't manage to get to your item before then, it's probably because I got swamped.
Ball is now with you everyone.
Don't forget - anyone posting to this thread has until Friday 20th December to PM me one item of their choice for a template and general review. It must be via PM on this site so as not to break any anonymity.
One item, one review per person who posted an item on this thread. Must be PM'd to me on this site. Turn around per item will be around 1-2 days unless they all get posted to me that same day :P
This post is the cut off for this offer. I will stop reviews after 26th December, so if I don't manage to get to your item before then, it's probably because I got swamped.
Ball is now with you everyone.
Thanks Anthony. I'm going to need you to prevent me from doing something incredibly stupid with my item. As usually is the case. Just gotta get it ready for the template fu in time.
Also I'd just like to take a moment to wish good luck to all Blazing 9 regulars. You did a good job this year. May it pay off.
You too! Let's see that dragon in the Top 32 :)
I'm sorry Christian, but unless you change the item dramatically, including a new name and radically altered mechanics, you will likely be disqualified - both if you submit it this year or in future years. It would be better to think of it as a practice item, and start over with a fresh idea.
If you have already submitted the Ferrous Fleece, you are unfortunately disqualified from the contest. You also can't submit another item.
Be sure to read and understand both the general rules of the contest as well as the specific rules of each round. And if you have any questions or need something clarified, don't hesitate to ask here on the forums.
You can NOT submit the fleece now that you've posted it publicly and broken anonymity on it. (Or rather you can submit it, but it would be disqualified.)
You can enter a DIFFERENT wondrous item, though -- just make sure you don't post that anywhere publicly. I was just trying to give you feedback on the fleece that you can keep in mind for that other item (like using the template, etc.).
I'd also suggest you read Sean's advice threads before you submit. On the bright side, you've got a couple weeks to come up with something.
You too! Let's see that dragon in the Top 32 :)
I'll give it my best :)
...Welcome aboard, Christian, however belatedly. Just to make sure you know, by posting this it's no longer eligible to actually be your entry.
First thing I see is you've removed all the BBC code for your item. The name, aura, CL, slot, price, weight, description, construction, requirements and cost should all be bold. This is one of those things that'll get a lot of voters to just reject you out of hand, so definitely make sure you copy the template correctly.
It's got some other formatting issues -- these aren't critical if your item is otherwise great, but for a lot of people these things are tie-breakers, that let me choose why to vote down your item over others. The aura and slot should both be lowercase. You're also missing a space between Price and 3,000. The first letter of feats -- i.e. Craft Wondrous Item -- should be all uppercase (and Item is singular). The spells should be lower case and italicized. You've also got an extra space between the last spell and the semicolon.
Some other style things to keep in mind. Iron, in the first sentence, doesn't need to be capitalized. When you use the name of the item in the description, it should be lowercase and italicized. Be careful of some other verbiage as well -- you use cross bolts, for example, instead of crossbow bolts. Druid doesn't need to be capitalized...
OK, getting away from some of the more mechanical aspects, I feel like the writing in your first graf is a little choppy. For example, "The Ferrous fleece has two different states attract and repel, the wearer decides if the fleece attracts or repels which can be changed by taking it off and putting it back on" basically repeats that it can attract or repel. I'd try to smooth out the flow of that sentence; you can probably eliminate the first part completely. Instead of rusted looking fleece, would rust-colored fleece be a better descriptor?
I think the last sentence in the first paragraph especially is confusing and not needed: First of all, you
If you already submitted your item, then it is most unfortunate, because you already entered an item, but then posted it, which is against the rules and you are disqualified.
Hopefully that's not the case.
I did in fact submit it. I have to ask though my item is disqualified which I'm ok with but am I unable to just bring in a new item? Or is it wait a whole year and put up a new item?
As you are only allowed to enter one item for the RPG Superstar, and your only item got disqualified, you are no longer allowed to enter items this year.
You are welcome to submit a new item next year.
Christian I am bummed out for you. That really sucks.
Hopefully this is a lesson to lots of people though to make sure to research rules, trends, anything you can. Something like this is going to force an entrant out of the competition for a whole year, and it can be avoided by reading the rules and guidelines.
G$* d~*n it. I used the form, too. So this entire forum invalidates any entry? Then why encourage people to post here for critique?Christian I am bummed out for you. That really sucks.
Hopefully this is a lesson to lots of people though to make sure to research rules, trends, anything you can. Something like this is going to force an entrant out of the competition for a whole year, and it can be avoided by reading the rules and guidelines.
Don't get discouraged. If you submitted your item using the form, you are still in the contest, as long as you don't write anything about the item in public.
This thread is meant for critique of PRACTICE items, and is intended as a place where contestants can hone their craft between contests. The whole idea is that you should be able to take critique of one item and apply it to another.
There is a LOT of info to take in as a newcomer to RPG Superstar, so these kinds of unfortunate misunderstandings are prone to happen, especially in the first hectic days after the contest is announced.