Star Voter Season 6
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Sponge Stone Maid*Okay. Brace yourself. We definitely blew off some steam with this one. Try not to take it too harshly.
*What's an "Iou Sponge"? Is that a typo? It's there twice, so I presume not. Or maybe that was an earlier name of the item that wasn't edited. And "Ioun Stones" are italicized, not capitalized.
*In any case, it's a bit half-baked. Not superstar in any event.
*And lets not miss the fact that the item is silent on its most important use--can it defeat cloudkill or other fog magic? It doesn't say it doesn't and it doesn't say it does. That's poor design. This is a first draft.
*Perhaps the sponge can be used to clean up the mess of this entry! Oh! Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.
*Reject.
Actually this seems to be an improvement from last year, so thats not too bad
*Agreed. This item is too open to abuse. It becomes the item that defeats all gas effects, web spells, fungal hazards, you name it. In that sense, it makes adventuring too easy. Then, you layer on that it acts as an ioun stone with a continual flame-like effect that acts like an everburning torch and it's just becoming too SAK, too.*Like you, I suspect the "Iou Sponge" is a typo. They likely called it an ioun sponge originally and forgot to change the name in the descriptive text. Regardless, ioun sponge is a really poor name...and honestly, so is sponge stone maid. It's like a fantasy version of Mr. Clean.
Actually its true, I did Originally called it Iou Sponge...
*Vote to Reject.
*Officer: So you're telling me that your idea of a Superstar item was a flying sponge?
Dude: Yes.
Officer: And that's when this "judge" person started beating you with a shoe?
Dude: Yes.*Reject.
*Was it a slipper of spider climbing? Or a boot of speed?
*Rejected.
Thanks for the critique, even if it is harsh, I do learn much from these, and hey maybe one day I'll be Superstar ready!
Forgive me if the format doesn't exactly match my actual post. I did not realize I wouldn't get the actual submitted code back to review for this critique thread and, at the last minute, I realized the submission engine disabled bbcode for tables. The APG item whose core mechanic I used uses a table. (I hope that did not immediately disqualify me, at least.)
Bow Sheath of the Exotic Hunt** spoiler omitted **...
With the swap (or muting) of just one consonant, I could invoke Rule 34 the name of this wondrous item so fast that my gaming table would descend into utter juvenile Beavis & Butthead tittering.
*I kind of liked this one up until the spirits dragging victims within line of sight toward the trap's area of effect. Good attention to detail with the provided template, but the cost/price ratio is off.
*I'd like to see a magical set of lockpicks that do something innovative. And I liked the flavor of the spirits of past victims imparting knowledge to the user of the lockpicks and the cunning trigger talent. But I'm not sure there's enough here to make the Top 32.
*Weak Keep.
*Disagree. Reject.
*I like the idea of spirits dragging someone to the trap, but I don't think this would ever come up--how often is a rogue gonna disarm a trap, then sit around near that trap and turn it against the creatures who live in that area and presumably know about the trap?
*Reject.
*Rejected.
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Elixir of the Snail*His "members"...squeezing through "orifices"...? LOL.
*At first, I thought I might like this item. An elixir that simulates some snail-like abilities for a bonus on Climb checks, a compression ability, some DR/bludgeoning, and some other effect based on the stickiness of taking on a slimy body would have been kind of a cool item I could see an alchemist pursuing.
*As-written, I'm not sure that's what we get here. I'm also unsure of what it means to have your "members" creep like living slugs up to 5 feet apart. Does that mean they can separate from your body? Is it simply extending your reach? I'm unclear.
*Vote to Reject.
*Grab bag of stuff, not well described mechanically.
*Vote to Reject.
*Rejected.
Thanks for the information !
I guess the language barrier has this kind of effects sometimes, as I didn't even think once about the possible sexual innuendos while writing it... will try better next time.
*So, it's a skill bonus, some situational save bonuses, and a 1/day SAK auto-success on the combat maneuver of your choice without provoking an AoO...which pretty much means a 1/day access to the combat maneuver feat of your choice in addition to the guaranteed auto-success. How is that Superstar? Or even properly balanced and not open to abuse?
*Vote to Reject.
*Agreed. Reject.
*OK when I first read the title I thought it said "Helm of Constipated Reversal." What was I thinking? Strange. That would be a much different item than this one, of course...
*[redacted]
*Reject
*Agreed. Reject.
*Rejected.
Lenses of Shared Sight
*I'm not a fan of this...and isn't the share senses spell really meant to empower the connection between a spellcaster and his familiar (both of whom already share a bond).
*Is this item one pair of lenses or two pairs of lenses? The descriptive text makes reference to both parties wearing a "lense"...so is the cost of this item for two or just one?
*I just don't find any of this Superstar.
*Weak Reject.
*It's not Superstar in my opinion. Maybe useful, but so's a screwdriver.
*Vote to Reject.
*"Slot eye slot"??
*Reject.
*Rejected.
Eavesdropper's Torc
*It's interesting to me that this item functions "as if scrying through a crystal ball" and yet, its spell requirements use clairaudience/clairvoyance.
*Aside from that, there's a long list of missteps here...i.e., the Craft skill should be capitalized, crystal ball should be italicized, and it also appears the price/cost ratio is off (should be half, but they just added an extra 1,500 gp as an extra material component cost, which means they don't understand how pricing wondrous items works)...and metalworking isn't a typical Craft skill; they've just invented a new one to dovetail into their item submission.
*Setting all that aside, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the core idea of the item. Is an eavesdropping "bug" that you can attune to three separate locations and simultaneously be alerted when your name is spoken aloud all that innovative? Is it Superstar? I'm not feeling a whole lot of mojo from it.
*About the best thing going for it is how the automatic sending activates as soon as your name is spoken aloud and it carries along the next 24 words spoken after that. But that's not enough to elevate it for me. In addition, can detect scrying note the invisible sensor left behind in these attuned sites? What if someone comes along and casts mage's private sanctum over a site that was previously attuned?
*I can see what the designer is going for...and they've addressed most of the mechanical concerns. Cleaned up a little, maybe it'd be worth including in a book of magic items. Just not sure this rises to Superstar quality, both in idea and execution.
*Vote to Reject.
*Ugh, I have a hard time getting past the grammar issues. Does our author know the difference between this key ";" and this key ":"? I think not. Commas, semi-colons, colons and dashes all rebelling against the twin wizardries of Strunk and White!
*I never thought I'd say an entry's grammar alone killed it. This one does. Really, you can't advance this person. They'd just wash right out. I just don't think you can let this through.
*[redacted]
*Reject.
*Rejected.
I'd appreciate the feedback, thanks for your hard work! (My guess/worry is it was SIAC, but I was hoping I was applying it in an unusual/novel way, and didn't want to overload it.)
Summoner's Spice
Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 4,000 gp; Weight --
Description
This multicolored, coarse powder is usually found in a small pouch inscribed with several runes which denote command words. A full pouch will contain 20 pinches of spice.
A caster may add a pinch or more of this magical powder to the spell components of any Summon Monster or Summon Nature's Ally spell while casting the spell. The creatures summoned will gain the caster's choice(s) of the following monster abilities: Climb 60 feet, fly 60 feet (good maneuverability), swim 60 feet, darkvision 60 feet, low-light vision, scent, grab, pounce, and trip.
Each ability causes a change to the summoned creature's form. Climb causes the creature's fingers and toes to become tacky. Large, eagle-like wings are fused to the back of a creature granted the fly ability. Swim "webs" a creature's fingers and toes. The other abilities cause more subtle changes. The caster must designate which one of the creature's attacks activates the grab or trip abilities if either is chosen.
One pinch will add one ability to every creature summoned by one summoning spell, but one pinch is required per ability added. Adding Summoner's Spice to a spell does not affect casting time. Using the proper command words the caster is able to specify the abilities the summoned creatures gain. The creatures keep the extra abilities until the spell that summoned them expires.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape II; Cost 2,000 gp
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might as well drop my likely 4 reject item in to see whats the matter (Probably too much backstory):
Brood Master’s Mask
Aura Faint Divination and Conjuration; CL 5th
Slot Head; Price 7500gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
The Brood Master’s Mask is a grizzly set of head gear roughly shaped like an oversized Xill’s head and is used to detect and selectively cull Xill implants. This mask is primarily worn by Xill in charge of quality control, medical assistance, and population management in the spawning pits on the Xill home world of G'nash. More recently, the Mask has also become known as the premiere extermination and cleansing tool for planets infested by Xill invaders.
The Brood Master’s Mask has a constant effect allowing the wearer to detect any creatures within 35’ who are currently suffering from a Xill implant, as well as providing a precise number of eggs incubating within said creature.
Once per round, upon command, the wearer of the Mask can examine such an afflicted creature within 5’ and determine if any of the implanted eggs will result in an atypical Xill offspring or have the chance of mutating the host body into a Xillid mutant.
Once per round, upon command as a full-round action, the wearer of the Mask can selectively terminate any or all of the Xill eggs implanted in a helpless or willing creature within 5’. This termination deals 1d4 damage per egg terminated to the host creature as if they were removed with a successful Heal check.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect poison, remove disease, creator must be a Xill; Cost 3750gp
Orb of mists
Aura moderate abjuration and conjuration; CL 9th
Slot --; Price 15,000gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
Looking past the gold filigree etched into this glass orb, a swirling vortex of mist can be seen inside. In fact, the mist within stretches even beyond the limits of its glass prison, causing the orb to constantly emit a thin, white mist. This mist is naturally drawn in from the air and clouds without the orb, and once per day the wielder can absorb any other mists nearby into the orb as well - up to a 120 ft. radius sphere of naturally occurring mist, or any single spell effect with fog, mist or cloud in the name - drawing it into the orb and storing it there. To absorb a spell effect, the orb must make a dispel check at +9 against the spell it is attempting to contain, with success immediately ending the effect and charging the orb - though a caster may willingly relinquish the spell into the orb should she choose. Spell effects absorbed in this way last for one hour per spell level before fading away, leaving the orb uncharged once again.
Three times per day, the wielder of the orb of mists can release the mists trapped within. This effectively allows the wielder to re-cast the spell trapped within the orb, as a 9th level caster. Without a spell effect currently absorbed in the orb, the released mists act as obscuring mist, as cast by a 9th level caster.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dispel magic, mnemonic enhancer, obscuring mist, caster level 9th; Cost 7,500gp
This point marks the end of Page 2 in this thread. So, everyone from the first couple of pages should have feedback on their item.
Again, be advised, I'm not cycling back through at this time to have follow-up discussions with anyone. I'm just giving you insights to how your item fared in the judging chambers. There'll be time for some deeper dives later. For now, I just want to make sure everyone has some idea of where their item fell short and how the judges viewed it. So, bear with us.
I humbly submit my item for feedback. I am prepared for any feedback, no matter how harsh. Thank you for doing the awesome job you do as judges in this competition.
Hoard Watcher
Aura faint abjuration, divination and evocation; CL 5th
Slot None; Price 36,900 gp; Weight 2 lbs
Description
Within a hollow, octagonal prism of crystal, this fist-sized reptilian eyeball is held suspended in a clear green liquid.
Once per day a Hoard Watcher may be bound to a single magic item or valuable object (a piece of art, a gem, or other valuable with a minimum price of 250 gp) within 35'. This bond lasts until the Hoard Watcher is the subject of a dispel effect, bound to a new item, or the bonded item is destroyed.
While bound, the pupil of the Hoard Watcher unerringly points towards the bonded item as long as both objects remain on the same plane.
The Hoard Watcher can be commanded to guard its bonded item for 10 hours per day, but the duration need not be continuous. While the bonded item is within 35' of the Hoard Watcher this functions as an alarm that is triggered by an unauthorized creature touching the bonded item or moving the item outside the guarded area. In addition, when triggered the bonded item emits a 25' radius of energy that negates all forms of invisibility within it for 5 minutes.
The owner of a Hoard Watcher is allowed to scry on the holder of its bonded item as if connected through a garment or possession.
The connection between a Hoard Watcher and its bonded item can be blocked as though it were locate object. When a Hoard Watcher cannot detect its bonded item or does not have a bonded item, the liquid inside the crystal turns opaque.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alarm, invisibility purge, locate object, creator must have at least 5 ranks in Appraise; Cost 18,450 gp
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The final version might have been a bit different than what I'm posting here, but here ya go:
Shadowbanish Cloak
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot shoulders; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This finely-made cloak may be of any cut or color, but most commonly
takes the form of a double-weave garment of heavy red and black silk.
By whispering the cloak's command word and wildly flourishing the
cloak in any lighting except total darkness, the wearer may “banish”
any number of worn or held items to the cloak’s shadow. Banished items
vanish from the character and cannot be detected by any visual or
tactile sense, though they are visible in the bearer’s shadow as if
they were still being worn (and may be noticed by a DC 20 Perception
check). Magic items stored in the cloak in this way cease to function
and have no weight, but continue to occupy their respective body slot.
It is the player’s choice which items are banished, but only to a
maximum of 100 pounds of gear may be stored within the cloak. On
speaking the command word again, the player may recall any number of
items stored within the cloak, which return equipped as if they had
never been banished.
The cloak itself may be banished in this way or unequipped as normal,
but all currently banished items are trapped within your shadow unless
the cloak is returned or the effect is dispelled as by dispel
magic.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, treasure stitching;
Cost 3,500 gp
Dwarven Brewing Barrel
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot -; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 35 lbs.
Description
This well made white oak cask has been banded with brass bands inscribed with dwarven runes. When placed with one end up the runes read the dwarven word for “Pour” and the dwarven brewing barrel functions as a bag of holding type III. When placed with the other end up the runes read “Lager”. Speaking this word will open a second, gallon sized pocket space. The conditions inside this second space are perfect for brewing potions, enabling a character with the Brew Potion feat to net four hours worth of work for the four hours a day they can devote to item creation instead of the two hours normally netted while adventuring.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Brew Potion, secret chest; Cost 5,000 gp
This is the first time I entered RPGSuperstar, and I want to thank Paizo for this wonderful opportunity!
Wayfarer's Map
Aura: moderate divination; CL 5th
Slot –; Price: 36,000 gp; Weight –
Description:
These maps were created by agents of the Pathfinder Society several generations ago. The costly resources and time required to make a Wayfarer's Map has caused production of these items to all but halt completely. They are rare treasures, found in ill-gotten treasure hordes or tucked quietly away in some antiquity collection; and their owners typically do not know what they are or how to use them.
Outwardly, the yellowed parchment appears to be a common, albeit detailed, map of the area. However, when taken out of the area shown on the map, and left inside its case for 8-hours, the map updates itself to show the new location.
This magic only works in areas where a member of the Pathfinder Society has gone before, and although areas will be highly detailed, settlement and site names can sometimes be old and forgotten from recent memory.
Construction Requirements:
Craft Wondrous Item, clairaudience/clairvoyance; Cost 18,000 gp
That's the goal, Matías. Welcome to RPG Superstar. Let's see what we've got...
Thanks for taking the time to answer! I understand your arguments for rejection and I agree with them. Hope to improve in my skills for next year!
I know you are very busy now, but I can't resist to ask: Will you take a look at my auto-reject item? I was close to submitting it and I would appreciate some official feedback on that. Of course, I can wait until the contest is over (and of course I'll remind you about this later).
For this item, I wanted to create something that was effectively a "once per battle" item, by making it break after each use. The broken condition is of course trivial to most items of this level... as so many casters will have mending.
Input appreciated!
Bulging Balloon
Aura moderate evocation and transmutation; CL 5th
Slot - ; Price 14,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small, patchwork balloon comes in a myriad of different colors. The balloon is 8" in diameter and quite delicate, having a hardness of 2 and 15 hp. Simply by carrying it on your person you gain a +5 competence bonus to Swim checks. As a standard action, the balloon can be thrown up to 30 ft., rapidly expanding to fill an area with a 5' radius wherever it lands. Creatures of medium size or smaller within this area must make a DC 15 Strength check or be ejected to the nearest square outside this area (GM's choice). This movement does not provoke attacks of opportunity. After reaching its maximum size, the balloon takes enough damage to gain the broken condition, and quickly deflates to its original size. None of its abilities function while it has the broken condition.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, gust of wind, shrink item; Cost 7,250 gp
Murmuring Lockpicks of Trapped Spirits
*I kind of liked this one up until the spirits dragging victims within line of sight toward the trap's area of effect. Good attention to detail with the provided template, but the cost/price ratio is off.
*I'd like to see a magical set of lockpicks that do something innovative. And I liked the flavor of the spirits of past victims imparting knowledge to the user of the lockpicks and the cunning trigger talent. But I'm not sure there's enough here to make the Top 32.
*I like the idea of spirits dragging someone to the trap, but I don't think this would ever come up--how often is a rogue gonna disarm a trap, then sit around near that trap and turn it against the creatures who live in that area and presumably know about the trap?
Thanks for the feedback. You're going through these at an incredible pace, which is wonderful and much appreciated :)
Just for the record, the price/cost difference is correct - unless I'm very much mistaken, Price = 2*(Creation Cost) + (Price of Masterwork Items). Masterwork doesn't come into most wondrous items, but masterwork lockpicks are 100gp.
I confess I'm rather disheartened - because the judges clearly understood what I was doing, and liked the same things I liked about it. I guess that implies that what I think is cool isn't what the judges are looking for :-/
Thanks Neil - you're a machine! I'm looking forward to you reaching page 5 :)
Lunch break. I'll be back later. And once Clark and Sean get their day going out on the west coast, I'm sure they'll be in here, too.
Assassin Eye*You were disqualified. The contest rules require that you also include your item's name in the body text (as well as the title of the messageboard post). As such, it counts toward your total word count. That put you over the limit. Here's what we said in the judges' forum:
*Yet another item that goes over wordcount if I include the title in the submission text. This is what people get for flirting too close to the word limit.
*In addition, it's basically just a remote-controlled, delayed fireball. Yeah, who wouldn't find that annoying at 4,800 gp a pop?
*Auto-reject.
Word-count limit is a word-count limit. An oversight on my part. I understand that. Disqualified on a technicality is fine. I bear no ill will for being disqualified. However, I have to wonder how many people fell into this trap. This was something I questioned several times after re-reading the rules and looking at the submission form. Reading this now makes me realize that you also wanted the name above the aura and other information - no doubt about it. However, one would think that the name appearing several times in the item description counts as the "body text" when you look at just the submission form, and the top field (messageboard title) is allocated for the item’s name. That may have been just my assuming too much, but as a humble suggestion, I recommend that the difference be made a little clearer in the future.
With all due respect to the judges: To simply belittle and write the item off as an overpriced, remote-controlled, Delayed Blast Fireball doesn’t offer much of a critique or food for thought. In regards to feedback, several other items critiqued got some pretty good opinions and thoughts. I have a feeling this one didn’t because it was disqualified outright for word-count and not given much thought.
That said, I would like to bring the following points to the community for discussion for some opinions and constructive criticism of the item itself. If this needs its own thread, I’d be happy to oblige. I just want to hear what other DMs and past and currently aspiring RPGSuperstars have to say based on what little feedback I was given (I ask that those replying keep it professional, respectful and civil):
The item in question offers any character regardless of class the ability to safely reconnoiter an area using the Arcane Eye aspect of the device up to three times. This can be done safely and the item deactivated a few times before the item self-detonates, preventing players from abusing that part of it. And the Fireball part of it is fairly devastating at 7d6 points of damage, considering that you’ll most likely be catching targets off-guard and flat-footed etc. A perception check offers opponents the opportunity to detect the device and avoid or lessen its impact - a pretty reasonable check-and-balance.
Players using it in a dungeon situation, could easily roll it under a door, scout the area, navigate it down a corridor and assassinate a monster or group of enemies without ever entering into direct conflict. To me that offers a lot more latitude and tactical options than having to wait until your Wizard is 13th level to deploy a 7th level Delayed Blast Fireball.
I don’t think this is an item a DM would want players using all the time. Hence the 4,800gp price tag. Pricey yes, but for the abilities it offers it seems like a fair trade. A character with the appropriate spells and feats can crank these out at 2,400gp a pop (or less depending on the DM’s economics). The price was calculated using the item creation rules with a little adjusting; that I didn’t think was unreasonable.
At 4,800gp it’s comparable to a Type III Necklace of Fireballs. Just swap out the two lower beads for the ability to propel it at range, using it without putting the character in danger, and the ability to scout an area with it more than once before detonating it.
This may or may not be RPGSuperStar material. I stay open-minded and really don't keep an opinion of my own work. So I'd like to hear opinions. Thoughts? Comments?
3/per day moment of greatness. It's a SIAC, except slightly more limited than the original spell. It's also a ridiculously expensive one at that. 24,000 gp to have an item that gives you the effects of a 1st level spell is pretty steep.
I actually came up with the idea when I noticed there weren't a lot of items that played with morale bonus. It was only when I went search for what spell(s) to use in the Construction Requirements section that I found moment of greatness. I realized it it would be coming perilously close to SIAC but I was running out of time and didn't think I would be able to develop and polish a different item before the deadline. The primary difference between the spell and the effect of the item was suppose to be that the spell only effects one roll or check, while the cloak allows someone like a bard or cavalier to make their morale bonus granting abilities more powerful for the entire encounter where they are used.
Looking back at the item I should have reduced it to 1/day to cut the cost, as several of the judges as well and many members of the community have already pointed out most groups only get into 3-4 encounters a day. Which means that the cloak could be used in every encounter which was not my intention.
But you are right of course. The item was flawed and definitely not Superstar quality.
Brogans of the Spectral Auroch
Aura weak transmutation; CL 5th
Slot feet; Price 7,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These ankle-high leather boots are covered with white bovine fur. The footwear grants a +2 enhancement bonus to combat maneuver checks made to bull rush an opponent. In addition, if any character wearing brogans of the spectral auroch makes an attack as part of a charge that inflicts piercing damage, he deals 50% more damage on a successful hit.
Three times per day, the wearer may become incorporeal when charging an opponent. This allows him to ignore terrain or obstacles (including other corporeal creatures) that would otherwise impede a charge. Force effects and incorporeal creatures affect the wearer normally. The wearer must still move to the closest space from which to attack his opponent and that space cannot be occupied. The effect ends and the wearer returns to his normal corporeal state immediately before making his attack.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blink, bull’s strength Cost 3,750 gp
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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As said elsewhere, no idea where I goofed this time, I was working on execution and tightness this year and was aiming for simplist elegance.
Think I may have stifled the excessive mojo way too much.
(296 words - needed to describe all the actions - yeah this was a tight squeeze).
Proliferating Pocket Purse
Be really brutal everyone - this year my confidence has taken such a knock that I really cant see if I have improved or not, so I need lots n lots of where I went wrong.
Since you were kind of enough to provide a decent post on my item, let me repay the favor.
Initial Impression: Just a new bag of holding/handy haversack.
Points
1) By calling for girallon fur as a component, you needlessly make the item more complex to make. What if the player wants a snakeskin purse?
2) By leaving the center pocket always open, easy for a thief to steal from it.
3) Needlessly complicated to use. Too much of the description and word count wasted. Plus the center pocket has to always be empty to reverse the purse, only letting 24 pockets be used or 25 if you don't plan on reversing the purse without emptying the middle pocket first.
4) What kind of action is needed to access the pockets?
5) Cost vs. ability: It holds at max 125 lbs and 25 cubic feet of items. The handy haversack holds 120 lbs and 12 cubic feet 2k gp. The type 1 bag of holding holds 250 lbs and 30 cubic feet = 2.5k gp. The haversack is easier to access but holds far less. Your item sits in the middle, but ease of access is unknown. But I would guess your price is too high.
MY Quick Description Rewrite:
This six inch square purse is made from fine fur. The user is able to access 26 pockets by manipulating the purse. The last pocket accessed before closing the purse is called the ready pocket. Each pocket provides access to a nondimensional space, sufficient to hold a total weight of 5 pounds or 1 cubic foot in space. The purse always weighs five pounds regardless of contents. The contents of the purse are never spilled when the purse is inverted. Retrieving a specific item from the purse is a full round action, but an item may be pulled from the ready pocket as a move action. Living creatures placed in a pocket will die after 2 minutes due to suffocation.
Damage to the pocket or placement of the pocket into other nondimensional spaces result in the same effects as for a bag of holding.
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Hopefully this is formatted correctly and the delivery makes sense but it's my first submission and hoping for whatever advice I can get for next year.
Corrupt the Divine
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 9th
Slot hands; Price 9,000 gp; Weight -
This device is a single white leather glove fitted for the left hand and embroidered with silver threads spelling out the Laws of Man covering the palm.
By tossing one of the embroidered Laws of Man onto a divine caster the words hide themselves in the targets possessions waiting to trigger and chastise anyone who breaks the first law.
Description
Three times per day the wearer can attempt a ranged touch attack against a suspected Divine caster within 30 feet to corrupt their next channel energy attempt. For the next hour the first time they channel any energy it is corrupted and they instead channel the opposite energy type (Negative instead of Positive or Positive instead of Negative) to harm all within their area of effect. Regardless of the original target everyone within the area of effect is touched by the energy channeled (though immunities to that energy type still apply).
For example a 3D6 positive channel to heal living becomes a negative 3D6 channel to harm or a 1D6 negative channel to heal undead becomes a 1D6 positive channel to harm.
A target may only be affected by one corruption at a time but multiple targets can be affected by the same glove simultaneously.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, enervation, Creator must not be able to cast divine spells; Cost 4,500 gp
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Star Voter Season 6
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Phantasmagoric Crystal
Thank you for the feedback! This remark puzzled me:
*I'm really hesitant to allow attack spells through a scrying device. Why illusions and not fireball, other than it fits the theme of this item? Shadow conjurations and shadow evocations are valid spells for this item. Heck, so is project image, and that lets you cast ANY spell through it. I think I just broke this item.
The item does not allow attack spells to be cast through the device (the spells mentioned are not figments), but it sounds like there were enough other concerns about pricing and overall power that the item was not making it through anyway.
I also should have been clearer about some of the limitations, which may or may not have helped it through.
I no longer have my complete entry due to the loss of my flash drive and non-regular backups (this was one of the few files that existed only on my flash drive and not another computer), however if you can find my item via name, I wouldn't mind a critique:
Veneficium Charm
My biggest blunder (in my opinion) was not devoting enough time to either make this item 'pop' or decide that it was too much of an NPC item and start over from scratch.
Thanks!
Since you were kind of enough to provide a decent post on my item, let me repay the favor.
2) By leaving the center pocket always open, easy for a thief to steal from it.
Yeah, a couple have mentioned that - the link to it being always open and EMPTY to allow for turning inside out didnt link too well.
I also assumed savvy players would connect the "always empty" with "thief diversion" - ah well.
Thanks for the sample re-write - now GET BACK TO YOUR ORGANISTION!
Grin.
I no longer have my complete entry due to the loss of my flash drive and non-regular backups (this was one of the few files that existed only on my flash drive and not another computer), however if you can find my item via name, I wouldn't mind a critique:
Veneficium Charm
My biggest blunder (in my opinion) was not devoting enough time to either make this item 'pop' or decide that it was too much of an NPC item and start over from scratch.
Thanks!
The kind web admins have retrieved before in previous years, you may be lucky to be treated thus - you might even hint of a round of beer at the next con if you want to :P
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Marathon Voter Season 7
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Assassin Eye
Since you asked. I have to agree with the judges on the fact that its essentially a remote controlled fireball.
Beyond this, your text is too wordy for what is conveyed. There is no real excuse for you to be over the word count with this item. Figure out how to tighten up and combine your sentences so that you are saying the same thing with fewer words.
I also think, mechanically and textually, you are trying too hard to cover too many bases and and thus making your item too complicated for what it is. Why would I even imagine a solid metal sphere could just pop into and out of dimensions. There is no need for that tidbit of negative information to be there. Also things like the "smooth floor" convey too much information and yet not enough. Will it work on carpets? What if there is gravel in the cave?
I have yet to make it to the top 32, so take this for what its worth: My main advice to you would be for you to figure out how to tighten up your ideas and text.
Oh man, Here comes with pain... I can take it, I can take it!
I feel like i'm going into the ring against Rocky or somethin'. I gotta splash some water on my face, cut my cheek, get psyched all so i can get smacked around.
Shadow Eye
Aura Moderate Conjuration; CL 9th
Slot --; Price 7500gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This gray, fist-sized stone resembles polished granite and is cold to the touch. When holding this stone in their hand and standing in dim light a character may disappear from sight and reappear in shadowy illumination up to 400 feet away as a standard action. The Eye may only be used once per day. If the stone is exposed to sunlight or the Sunlight spell it is rendered inactive until nightfall or until the spell Deeper Darkness is cast on it. Should the need arise a character may attempt to travel beyond the Eye's abilities, but for every 40 feet beyond 400 there is a 5% chance the spell will fail utterly. If this occurs the character is immediately drawn into the plane of shadow, leaving an inky silhouette in their place.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Dimension Door; Cost 3750gp
Ugh, I dont have the final copy. Here is a working version
Crown of the Hellion
Aura faint enchantment (compulsion), necromancy, and transmutation; CL 4th
Slot head; Price 17,800 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This crown is made of interwoven steel rings, which seemingly end in evenly spaced small spikes; versions that are more ornate are adorned with gems, heraldic badges and/or inscriptions. While worn the crown provides a +1 enhancement bonus to Charisma. Once per day upon command, the crown temporarily transforms the wearer into a mischievous troublemaker for 1 minute/wearer’s level. The transformation elongates the ears, causes small goat like horns to appear, and gives a +1 enhancement bonus to Strength, and Dexterity. Additionally the transformation allows the wearer to incite a single ally within 30 feet as a standard action. An incited ally gains a +1 morale bonus on attack rolls for as long as the wearer is under the crown’s effects. Additionally the incitement allows the ally to be able to perform any combat teamwork feat initiated by the crown’s wearer, even if the ally does not meet the prerequisites of the feat to perform it.
While in combat if the duo reduces an enemy life to 0 or fewer hit points while under the magical effects of the crown, the wearer will become more treacherous by gaining a cumulative +1 luck bonus on attack rolls, and damage rolls, as well gaining the ability to inspire and motivate another ally (only one ally maybe inspired at a time, maximum +5 bonus). A qualifying opponent has a number of Hit Dice equal to or greater the wearer’s Hit Dice –4.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Alter Self, Coordinated Effort, Deadly Juggernaut, Heroism; Cost 8900 gp
Assassin Eye
Since you asked. I have to agree with the judges on the fact that its essentially a remote controlled fireball.
Beyond this, your text is too wordy for what is conveyed. There is no real excuse for you to be over the word count with this item. Figure out how to tighten up and combine your sentences so that you are saying the same thing with fewer words.
I also think, mechanically and textually, you are trying too hard to cover too many bases and and thus making your item too complicated for what it is. Why would I even imagine a solid metal sphere could just pop into and out of dimensions. There is no need for that tidbit of negative information to be there. Also things like the "smooth floor" convey too much information and yet not enough. Will it work on carpets? What if there is gravel in the cave?
I have yet to make it to the top 32, so take this for what its worth: My main advice to you would be for you to figure out how to tighten up your ideas and text.
Excellent. I appreciate that and I sincerely agree with you. You're right about "too much/not enough" because like the smooth floor, the dimension part was to prevent people from sending it through portals and the like, but not necessary. Very good observations. Thanks for your time.
Here's mine, as I said I'd do.Hey, Marie! Welcome back. Good to see you submitting again. Let's see how this one panned out for you...
Pendant of Phoenix Ashes*Another SAK item of SIAC effects. It's a bit of a MIAC as well with the phoenix transformation. I don't know. The flavor is interesting. It certainly lives up to its theme.
*Great use of the provided template. They've got the professional polish down.
*Still...130,000 gp?!
*...Weak Reject.
*Monster in a can.
*Reject.
*Rejected.
First, thank you Neil, Sean, and Clark for the feedback. Thank you to all the judges for going through the mayhem of judging.
Understood. I knew there were issues with this, and these were the issues I saw. It was the best idea I had, and submitting my flawed best is better than not submitting at all.
Maybe I'm strange, but your critiques made me chuckle. Last year, I had the mojo and theme and needed to work on the template and polish. This year, I had the theme, template, and polish, but I needed the mojo. Note to self...Get all four of these down next year. :D
Star Voter Season 6
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Knowing a few of the places I messed up, but not having access to my item currently, I am going to request feedback on my submission. I am already aware now that it falls under SIAC as well as the fact that my double-check failed to render the lack of construction rules and requirements visible to my eyes.
Still, as a two year lurker and a first time entrant, I am eager to hear what the thoughts were on my item. Even if those thoughts are harsh, I consider myself (as I think a lot of us might do) to be my own worst critic.
The item in question here were my Spell Pearls. Lack of imagination on the name too I suppose.
As background, if anyone cares, I will be tracking my item down later and posting it up here for the rest of the community to see and judge for themselves. Thank you to all the judges as well as the community for giving both myself and each other the opportunity to participate and, even better, to grow in our aspirations of game design.
Here is my item if you get the chance. I have my suspicions on why it is unacceptable as a top entry, but I would like to hear it from you. Thanks for your time.
Wheel, Mutinous
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 4th
Slot —; Price 2,800 gp; Weight 80 lbs.
Description
Prized and feared alike by the denizens of the Shackles, this object is a ship’s wheel attached to a 4 foot high ghostly white stump of an uprooted tree. The only ornamentation on the pallid apparatus is a large seared black spot on the wood opposite the attached wheel.
When set on the deck of a ship or other vehicle as a standard action, the stump takes root and effectively creates a second driving space. The roots of the wheel send out tendrils toward the original driving space of the vehicle, causing the controls to be destroyed in 1d3 rounds. Casting warp wood on the invading wheel delays the destruction for 1 round per caster level over 4th. This process may be stopped by destroying the wheel (AC 12 hardness 10, 60 hp).
If the two driving apparatuses are used at the same time, the driver with the mutinous wheel only has to make a single grapple check from where they are at to overpower the other driver and become the new driver, although neither person gains the grappled condition. The original driver must make two consecutive grapple checks to regain control.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, jury rig, warp wood, pilfering hand , creator must have 2 ranks in the Craft (ships) skill; Cost 1,400 gp
Pole of the Fisher King
Aura moderate conjuration [good]; CL 11th
Slot –; Price 24,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This item looks like a normal fishing pole. Once per day on a successful DC 20 Survival check made to fish, a fish may be caught that once prepared and cooked, produces a feast as per the heroes’ feast spell (with the caster level of the spell being the character level of the fisher). Regardless of where the pole is kept on the owner’s person, the owner does not need to eat or drink, and only requires two hours of sleep per day as per the effects of a ring of sustenance. This item only functions for owners of good alignment.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, heroes’ feast, create food and water; Cost 12,000 gp
Hey Iron_Stormhammer,
Feedback like what you've just received can be awfully frustrating. A couple of points that I feel are very important, which I hope will help you understand why the things that frustrate you are the way they are.
Word-count limit is a word-count limit. An oversight on my part. I understand that. Disqualified on a technicality is fine. I bear no ill will for being disqualified. However, I have to wonder how many people fell into this trap. This was something I questioned several times after re-reading the rules and looking at the submission form. Reading this now makes me realize that you also wanted the name above the aura and other information - no doubt about it. However, one would think that the name appearing several times in the item description counts as the "body text" when you look at just the submission form, and the top field (messageboard title) is allocated for the item’s name. That may have been just my assuming too much, but as a humble suggestion, I recommend that the difference be made a little clearer in the future.
I'm sure others have fallen into this trap (the "yet another item..." comment makes that quite clear). I can see why it's confusing. But I think the organizers have gone above and beyond in clarifying the template and submission format to the greatest extent possible. Consider:
- If you follow the format precisely as listed, you're OK.
- If you look at items from the same round in previous contests, you can see what they've done, do that, and you're OK.
- If you're still not sure - as you say, you explicitly questioned this several times, so you were aware of the issue - you can ask on the messageboards. Better to ask and know than to guess and maybe be wrong.
In addition to all that, I have a difficult time imagining where and how the organizers could add a specific warning about this specific issue in a manner that would be read and understood by everybody. They've even already got "(this means the item name will be included in the body as well)" in the rules, which it sounds like you saw. So while it would be nice if things were so abundantly clear that nobody would possibly make this error, I think it's very evident that the organizers have gone to great lengths to help contestants avoid it.
With all due respect to the judges: To simply belittle and write the item off as an overpriced, remote-controlled, Delayed Blast Fireball doesn’t offer much of a critique or food for thought. In regards to feedback, several other items critiqued got some pretty good opinions and thoughts. I have a feeling this one didn’t because it was disqualified outright for word-count and not given much thought.
It's important to understand that, while the judges' comments offer a lot of critique for a lot of items, that's not their original purpose. The judges weren't trying to critique hundreds of items; they were sorting through them to find their Top 32. Sometimes doing that takes some commenting. A lot of times it doesn't, so the feedback isn't nearly as comprehensive or helpful. It's a shame, but nobody's expecting the judges to start giving comprehensive critiques to everybody - that's just completely unfeasible.
Consider: Just in the past 24 hours, Neil's responded to requests for upward of 40 items. I don't think you expected him to come up with critiques on the spot for all those; similarly, I don't think you expect the judges to critique their hundreds of items as they sort through them. So... nobody's critiqued your item. Nobody's pretending they have. It's less helpful to you personally than if they had, but you can see why that's what happened.
Let me encourage you by saying there's a really marvelous, cooperative community here. You'll have no trouble getting in-depth critiques from fellow followers - ask, and ye shall receive! (There's often a thread for this; haven't checked if this years' is up yet.) So you can definitely get the constructive criticism you want - not from the judges, alas, but even from them, you have got a summary of their initial reaction.
I hope this helps, and I hope you'll stick around, enjoy, and let your item make some friends in the feedback discussion :D
Well, might as well try the same thing as everyone else; review all the items in the "review my wondrous item" thread! As a forenote, I try to be critical, but constructive. Hope this helps you all!
Entroposphere
A neat name, but a little tough to pronounce at first glance.Your description is good too, but like the name, just a little flawed. Try to use words like "burnished" instead of just copper, and "scintillating" instead of just "diamond". It would make the description a lot better.
And, the effect is the same too. This is a neat thing that I would carry with me, but your writing lacks a lot of polish. You've got the blocks there on this item, but they look like cinder-bricks, instead of marble stones.
Astrolabe of the Mesmerizing Heavens
I don't immediately recognize what the firmament is, and if I didn't know what an astrolabe was already, the intro of this would be just jibberish. Try picking a less obscure item and decoration next time, or try to describe it more clearly. Next, paragraph breaks! Break your ideas into paragraphs, otherwise your format looks awful. And speaking of formatting, it's moderate, not medium illusion.
Finally though, we get to your item's actual effect, burried in the middle of all that, and it's not stellar. Fascinate one creature and maintain spells for one extra round? Not really superstar. For such a fancy physical item, the effect could use more work.
Holy Man's Flask
I can't see something starting with "Holy" and not think of adding "batman!" at the end. Holy man's flask, batman! Maybe that's just me. And then, just when I get over the batman jokes, you start with a backstory? No, bad designer. *slaps wrists*. And as to turning any potion into a cure potion? Not that cool. It's like the sheaths last year that resized magic weapons, it's there precisely to save you from going back to town and selling the potions you don't want for ones you do. Which ultimtely makes your item something that multiplies treasure, because you don't have to suffer the loss of value on selling part of the game.
Swifttouch Gloves
Naming feels very 4e to me, where adverb-noun or adjective-noun items are all the rage. Not so much in Pathfinder. Also, this item messes up action economy. That's generally frowned upon. It could be made cool, but then you add in backstory at the end, which is basically an automatic rejection on it's own. Tisk Tisk.
Shard of the Pilfering Leech
A lot of little problems in your item. you captitlized neck in slot, you didn't italicize spells, you used a weird recharge mechanic instead of "1/day"... The effect is okay, but not really exciting either. I think you could have cleaned it up to maybe just the last one, and removed the weird "up to four hours after being poisoned" bit, because that's confusing. "must be made while under the affects of poison" is just fine.
The Kingfisher’s Cloak
Firstly, of course it glints faintly when wet. Most things do, because water glints faintly. Just saying. Oh, and I notice you missed commas in your pricing. As to your effect itself, you tried to do too much, I think. hold breath, no vision imparement in water (I don't think there normally is one, actually), freedom of movement in terms of underwater combat - which should really be in the requirements, fly, dazzle... And ultimately, not that useful, you'd have to be in and out of the water all the time to see more than a pittance of use from this cloak, which isn;t useful for most campaigns.
Skin Mask of Spell Meddling
I immedately worry this will be a gross for grossness's sake item when I see the name. But, your initial description does away with that fear, and I get a really cool halloween-type mask. Your item's effects are cool, but it seems like you deleted something at the last second with that one-sentance paragraph that doesn't quite fit the flow. Same with the last effect - it's neat, but your writing really falls apart in the description of the mechanics. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a "not quite good enough" item, because a little polish could have made this superstar quality.
Scabbard of the Scallywag
I like the flavor of the item, and the name, really, but... The effect is boring. Also, bad description of the difference between "knife, but not sword". Say "one handed light weapon" instead. And still, this is ultimately feather fall and a skill bonus that you're probably not going to use, because mechanically hodling the knife in your teeth is no different than... probably having it sheathed.
Quickrift Chalk
The judges went through a lot of chalk-doorway items with Pan's Labarynth and Portal, so I doubt they'd be excited about this. The mechanics for how big a doorway is are a little wonky, too. 40 linear feet of lines makes how many doors? At least 8, because of the 5ft minimum, but what if you use up 6ft making one space? Then you lose a whole potential doorway. Put a limit on a number of doors you can make. Asides from it being waaay oversubmitted in the past, it's a pretty well done effect, at least.
Gibber Bane
When naming your item, try to include a reference to what it might, physically be. This name tells me more of an effect, which is okay, but could be majorly improved upon. Further, you say "where hair grows" - what if I'm naturally bald, would it stick to my head? And then, how would I find it anyways - just plucking it at random? Why does pulling your hair out make someone's mouth fill with hair (presumably mine?).
I do like the idea of blocking bites and breath attacks and such, but the hair mechanic overall doesn't work for me.
Tome of Vile Training
I'm going to train a whole bunch of viles to work for me! Oh, the training itself is vile, I see. Ahem. Or, no, not really. It makes your familliar into a homonculus, kinda. Anyways, this falls into "item is not an item" pile, because it's technically a book, but is actually a template that can be applied to your familliar. The effect is okay, but really not good enough to bypass the "item is not an item" rule. The Bloody Enlightenment ability would have been cool if it was all the item did. Finally, you didn't italicize your spells, and should have had "moderate" in front of each spell type in aura.
Starsong Harp
That's one huge sapphire! Anyways... I think you should have just had one perform DC for the whole item, not several effects for several performances. You also should have just said "a pleasant temperature" rather than 70° F" I know I don't adventure with a thermometer. Finally, your item was okay until you got ot the huge list of benefits at the end. If you cut off everything after "Once per day" it might be better.
Also, your previous item was "Laurel of Magnificence", but it's a good thing I had a search function!
In a lot of ways, your item this year is better. No backstory, better writing, and so on, but you did still fall into what I think was your biggest pitfall last year. Too many abilities. If each thing this harp did was counter seperately, that's seventeen things! More generously, it's still four, but one of those has seven different options, which is waaay too much for an item to have. The fewer effects you have, the cooler they can be, as it is, all your item does in terms of flavor is glowing butterflies, and dreamns of Desna. And be made of the biggest sapphire ever.
Chalice of Eternal Fire
Hmm, a fire buff, okay. I think you're doing too much with this item though. +1 CL, +2hd and advanced template to fire summons, 8d6 fireball (nice flavor), resistance to fire and a fire shield effect. Very SAK.Good that they all run on the same pool of charges though. Trim down your effects to one or two next year, and you'll do better.
Azlanti Librarian’s Key
boo backstory! And without backstory, the name loses a lot of meaning. So, boo to that, as well. Also, don't captilize transmutation there in aura. Lowercase all the way. And italize your spells. And don't make a shop in a box item. A lot of treasure is balanced on the "sell for half price" mechanic, and this removes it. In addition you add in that weird research bit at the end. Not stellar, really.[/spoilerbutton]
Mushroom of the Fey Ring
mushroom rings, faerie circles, I see what you did there. Each section of your content has a different problem. At first, you include that "theoretically" a fey shows up. Nothing ever theoretically happens in Pathfinder, especially when this is something you describe to the GM. Either it does or it doesn't. I would also harp on the trading wands bit, but you do lose charges in it, and it is random, so that's a fair, if unexciting tradeoff.
The termplated monster summoning feels like a second item entirely, so you really should have picked the first or the second paragraph, and probably the second, because it's cooler.
Mask of Many Roads
at 170k, this would be the most expensive superstar item to date by almost double. IIRC, this is the first year an item actually broke the 100k mark, so this was a huge risk designing an item of this power. It's effect isn't really anything special anyways, basically plane shift once per day. Or, maybe it's closer to gate? Either way, it feels very SIAC.
Vest of Seven Pockets
First, bad designer for putting special, weird construction requirements in your item. Second, the way it's written, the crafter of the item has full control over all items in all the pockets, because they decide whether all the pockets open into a huge pit he's filling with other people's treasure. I understand you're trying to make this a "leep your stuff from being stolen" jig, but I would never buy this. It's more expensive and less useful than seven handy haversacks, and the way it's written, if you look into the pockets before you put it on the first time, you can never get the bonus out of it. That's terrible.
And the bit about "you can make it for small creatures, but it doesn;t change the stated numbers" is really weird. If it's made for a differently sized creature, it will have differently sized portal. What if an Oni made one of these, could he fit his own hands inside? It smacks of not thinking the whole problem through.
Helm of Eternal Hunger
This is really not a PC item. It's either a villian item, or a cursed item, but either way it doesn't feel like something you want to buy or find. You start out strong, at least, with a neat description and a good first ability, but then you keep going and going... But, before I get too far, do remember to include the specific auras under aura, not just "varied", and bold "cost".
A few paragraph breaks wouldn't hurt either, it'll help your content flow better.
Fermenting Gyst
What's a Gyst? The description says powder, so I'll assume it's that, but we had a discussion about naming - try not to introduce new words to readers in the name of your item. Anyways, I kinda like the effect. Not really flash enough to catch attention, but useful nonetheless. You could probably drop the Profession (brewer) bit, though. Otherwise, my biggest criticism is the name - that's definitely not superstar.
Boots of the Skittering Sorcerer
The judges hate items that "appear to be [description]" without immediately following up with [alternate description]. "This appears to be a marshmellow... but is really a rock.." for instance, "Appear to be made of soft leather..." is bad. Secondly, wondrous items don't power up based on the wearer's level. Ever. Those were called legacy items in 3.5e, and they are not wondrous.
Finally, for the effect, this is super super underpriced. A single extra 5-foot step in a round is worth way more than 5000gp, let alone something that can dodge attacks, take 5ft steps and not hinder you next round at all. And, I also notice it has nothing to do with sorcerors either, which puts a bad mark on the item's name.
EDIT: I just realized, this feels a lot like a 4e item. Do you play a lot of 4e?
Bracers of Skillful Manuevers
Well, items that boost CMB and CMD aren't terribly common, but I really have to agree with the judges here. A static bonus and nothing else is not a superstar item. You need some flavor, some "Pow!", that "je-ne-sais-quoi". Right now, this item gives me a numeric bonus, then I forget it. You want an item that you'll be exited every time you hear someone mention, and this isn't it.
Book of Convincing
Fine, I'll review your item. Huh, I guess it works? ;)
As for your effect... I dunno. By the time you habe 144,000gp to blow, nothing's going to fall for a DC 16 save, no matter how powerful of a charm effect it winds up being. Also, is there normally a way to start an erase effect currently in play? I don't think so, short of counterspelling it when it's cast.
Another thing, is that the reusability of the book was a bad call, I think. If this was a one-use item, you could have cut the price down to 30k or so, where it would be a powerful, but not game breaking purchase, and you wouldn't have to worry about erasing it and so on.
Finally, I think this item is more a cursed item than anything else, because if you found one of these in a treasure horde, it probably reads "your friends are trying to kill you, so you have to stop them all first."
Octopus Wraps
I kinda like the octopus theme, similar to an idea I had last year, but haven't yet used. "with a CMB+5 and CMD+5 of the wearer." is not the right language, if you want to use the CMB with a +5 bonus, say "granting a +5 bonus to the user's CMB for these checks". And why do the tentacles have CMD anyways?
Further, the ink cloud doesn't add much to the item, it just feels like a second, tacked on ability.
Philosopher’s Apple
A little to real-world referential and sciency, with an apple creating gravity. That's not superstar flavor. Also, you don't need to call out that an item can be thrown or placed. That's obvious, unless it does something fancy that prevents it from being thrown. Next, you need to include a fly DC to resist being pulled into the ground, because at that price, you're going to have +40 to fly and magical flight pretty normally.
Finally, the falling from the sky again after use and granting inspiration is a really lame science reference. Again, that's not superstar. And then you added backstory at the end, too. Ech.
Whip wrap of Ydersius
I worried for a moment this was a character-reference, but it's a Golarion god, so that's okay. Still, you spell it out like it's backstory, and that's bad. Then, you make this be, effectively, a magic whip. Which shouldn't be a wondrous item at all. If you're making an attack roll to activate it, and it's not a touch spell, it's probably a weapon - or weapon effect - not a wondrous item.
The Wanderer’s Market
Wel, first you needed to lowercase and italicize your spells. And second, a portable market isn't really superstar - it was even mentioned as something that the judges had seen a few times and weren't really impressed with. "yay, I never have to go back to town!" PCs say, and the Gm rolls his eyes.
Also, keep an eye on the flow of your writing. This isn't terribly broken, but you should mention the "tent springs from the rug in 1 round" bit while the tent is springing from the rug, not at the very end.
Hmm, out of time for now. But, I'll try to get back to you all sooner than later.
Word-count limit is a word-count limit. An oversight on my part. I understand that. Disqualified on a technicality is fine. I bear no ill will for being disqualified. However, I have to wonder how many people fell into this trap.
I'd say it was less than 1 percent of the overall submissions.
Reading this now makes me realize that you also wanted the name above the aura and other information - no doubt about it. However, one would think that the name appearing several times in the item description counts as the "body text" when you look at just the submission form, and the top field (messageboard title) is allocated for the item’s name. That may have been just my assuming too much, but as a humble suggestion, I recommend that the difference be made a little clearer in the future.
I think it's been made about as clearly as it can be. And, if there was any doubt, all you had to do was look through any of the Top 32 items from prior years of the contest to note how it's done. So, this really boils down more to "do your homework" advice the judges have given in the past.
Additionally, if there's ever a doubt, just start a thread in the RPG Superstar forums and ask the question. We won't beat you down for that. Too badly. ;-)
To simply belittle and write the item off as an overpriced, remote-controlled, Delayed Blast Fireball doesn’t offer much of a critique or food for thought. In regards to feedback, several other items critiqued got some pretty good opinions and thoughts. I have a feeling this one didn’t because it was disqualified outright for word-count and not given much thought.
Your feeling would be correct. As soon as it became an auto-reject situation, none of the other judges even looked at it. There was no reason to critique it. Far better for us to move on and quickly navigate our way through the other items that met their wordcount.
Additionally, as Standback related above, what I'm posting here isn't a critique of your item (even though it says "Critique" in the thread title here). For now, I'm giving everyone the discussion that ensued in the judging chambers about their item. If an item didn't warrant much discussion...meaning, we arrived pretty quickly at a Keep/Reject vote...then it didn't warrant much discussion. If an item didn't meet the wordcount or violated some other rule of the contest, it too didn't warrant much discussion.
So, be patient. I've posted at least twice now in this thread that I'm trying to quickly jam out everyone's item "assessment" from the judging chambers. Later, as I've got time, I may cirlce back and cherry pick some items for a deeper critique to help serve up some object lessons for folks. In the meantime, even as I'm banging out these copy/paste discussions of your items from the judging chambers, Clark (and maybe Sean) will be coming through and giving additional insights. Yes, we may repeat a few things. But I'm fast enough that I can give folks a quick hit by at least showing them the discussion their item submission did (or did not) generate among the judges. Take what you can from it for now. And hang around to see what others may have to say about your item. Not just the judges, but also the community, in general. This is a supportive/collaborative effort to re-examine the game design issues and choices everyone made in their items for this year's competition.
Respectfully,
--Neil
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I submitted an item called 'Storyteller' but I seem to have deleted my physical copy of the text I stored on my computer (blasted copy /paste gremlins!). I'm guessing it's stored somewhere in a giant database, was wondering if there is a way I can see what I submitted? (possibly tie it to one's paizo.com account? (have it show up under the account page as something like RPG SUPERSTAR <YYYY> submission?)
There's no way to connect what you posted to your paizo.com account. If I can find your item, I can repost it here for you from the Reject folder. Unfortunately, I'm not finding anything called "Storyteller"...are you sure that's the name you selected for your item?
Obviously my entry didn’t make it, my guess would be that it (again) lacked the proper mojo.
Torc of Zealous Tenacity
Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Slot neck; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Engraved into the twisted iron of this torc are dozens of dull glowing runes warding the wearer against death.
The wearer of the torc only dies when his current hit points drop to a negative amount that is equal to or greater than his Constitution score plus half his Wisdom score.
If the wearer of the torc is reduced to 0 or less hit points he may immediately attempt a DC 13 Wisdom check to avoid gaining the disabled and or dying condition for 1 round. During that round he may act normally, this includes taking full-round actions, but at the end of his actions he receives 1d4+1 points of damage from the strain.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, false life; Cost 6,000 gp
Redeemer’s Quill
*Sadly, we weren't particularly won over by this one, NM.
*"appears to be"... bleh.
*Truth-telling item. Bleh.
*Writing a contract you have to agree to. Bleh.
*Seen it before.
*Reject.
*Agreed.
*Decent execution of the provided template, though. Good attention to detail. Still...
*...Reject.
*Rejected.
The main design decisions I found with this were the name, which CL to make it at and the secondary effect of the tentacles.
Any feedback is much appreciated.
P.S. I find it very educational to see how the judges went through the items, so much love to Neil for going through the effort of posting it all up.
Dagon’s Gift
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 1300 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Created from a drop of Qlippoth blood (as can be found in a spell component pouch), this viscous black fluid causes the creature struck to twist and deform, body and mind, transforming it in to a raging monstrosity which attacks indiscriminately. While most civilised societies would see this as an atrocity, some see it as a tactical advantage.
When thrown as a ranged touch attack, any living corporeal creature struck must immediately make a DC 14 Fort save then a DC 14 Will save. Those who fail the Fort save immediately and painfully grow two barbed tentacles, which function as secondary natural attacks which deal damage appropriate for their size plus 1d3 Wisdom damage. These tentacles last for 5 rounds. Those who fail the Will save are immediately affected as though by a rage spell, and attack the creatures nearest to them for the duration of the rage. Failing the Fort save also imposes a -4 penalty on the Will save, as the pain of the deformation makes it easier to succumb to the rage.
If made from fresh Qlippoth blood (i.e. the item is finished within three days of removal) the save DC’s are increased by 2, at no extra cost.
Construction
Requirements Monstrous Extremities*, Rage;Cost 650 gp
*This spell is from Pathfinder Player Companion: Faiths of Corruption
Spells: Polymorph(S/W 6), Rage(S/W 3), Monstrous Extremities (S/W 3), Excruciating Deformation (S/W 3)
Scalpel of Malleable Evolution
*So, it's a SAK (almost literally) of evolution upgrades you can apply to anyone willing to give up 2 temporary points of Con? I don't think this is a good idea. Innovative, yes. Balanced and good for the game? Not as much. This pretty much means you only need a single minute for an alchemist with the Heal skill to give his "patient" an on-the-spot special ability to win any engagement they can prepare for ahead of time.
*Weak Reject.
*WOAH OVERPOWERED!!!!!
*Reject.
*Rejected.
Wendigo Pelt
*So, they wanted an item that would let them pretend to be a wendigo. It's pretty much limited to someone who wants to use bull rush attacks.
*Someone will cheese out their Improved Bull Rush and Greater Bull Rush feat chain just to hurl creatures into the air for some falling damage.
*What if the creature can fly?
*There's a whole lot of wendigo flavor here, but I don't think the designer really had a fully formed idea with it. The items seems a lot less focused and convoluted in the description of how it works than I'd prefer to see.
*Weak Reject (but you guys can salvage it if you want).
*Writing is clunky. Example: "...and the target is immediately subject to the rules for falling." Why not "and the target immediately falls"?
*Practice more, tighten it up, try again.
*Reject.
*Rejected.