Official "Critique My Item" Thread


RPG Superstar™ 2012 General Discussion

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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 9

Destrachan’s Lament

review:

Well, I had to look up what a Destrachan was, but we can pass on that. More importantly, I can't tell or even make a good guess what this item is or does from the name. I can see in the description that it's a music box - but I might suggest veering away from items you can't describe in one word. Try a different musical indsrument, like a horn next time.

Also, I'm going to assume you had correct bolding and italics and the like in your actual submission. If not, that's a big mistake. And if so, then your template would be perfect as best I can tell.

Well, until you get into the description, because even with italics, you don't capitalize your item's name in it's own description. It should be lowercase and italics, like it were a spell. It's also not good style to start off an item's description with it's own name - you should say "this music box" or something not "Destrachan’s Lament is a music box", because the "Destrachan’s Lament is" is implied because you're already reading the description for the item.

Further, you should be more clear that this is a necklace. Personally, I would not normally carry a music box on my neck, and describing the Destrachan’s tail as the chain is weird when you have conflicting mental images of a necklace small enough to wear and a statue-thing big enough to hold it and all the gears and such inside. You probably could also have cut your description down by more than half, because the first four sentances or so are all just flavor that doesn't add much to your item.

As a side note, your writing flow is a little lacking. Not as bad as some, but it could use some work. Try transitioning the sentences together a little more on your next item.

item wrote:
"The wearer can command Destrachan’s Lament to play a tune once per day by speaking the name."

The name of what? The song, presumably, but maybe the name of the Destrachan, or of the Destrachan's Lament. Further, you should start the sentance with the "once per day" part, to make it more clear to the wearer the limits of the item.

Then, you have three different abilities. Plus the sonic resistance (+3 is a weird bonus, btw. Try to work things so they make nice +2 or +4 static bonuses) makes four things, and that quickly gets into SAK territory. Hell, any item that can do two different things borders on SAK. You can do three, plus an innate bonus.

Discordant reverberation - an okay ability, though it should be centered on the wearer, not somewhere within 100 ft. That doesn't make sense for a music box. A note that your DC seems about spot on for the price your item is, at least. Good work on that.

Imperceptible drone - I think this might have been better as an innate bonus of the item instead of an activated ability. Invisibility to a very limited subsection of creatures. It's cool. However, you say "Invisibility, Greater", where you should say "greater invisibility", note the lowercase, italics, and moving the comma-ed section to the front. The "spell, Greater" method is only used to sort things alphabetically in huge lists of spells so you don't have to look up two pages to compare a spell to it's greater or lesser or mass counterparts.

Aegis march - not a big fan of this ability. It's a spell in a can made more complex my the sheer amount of noise - and it's worded a little weird.

In the end, you had too many separate effects, but it wasn't a terrible item. Try to pare down your item a little more next year, one primary effect. Maybe an innate bonus or other effect alongside it. Not three.

Paizo Employee Chief Technical Officer

azur wrote:
Subtlety Sheet

I'd have said it's a far-too-direct adaptation of Douglas Adams' Somebody Else's Problem field, or Doctor Who's Perception Filter.

The Exchange

Pathfinder Adventure Path, PF Special Edition Subscriber

Problems duly noted and thanks for the input everybody.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

Ronars, I just wanted to say thanks for the additional feedback.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 9

You're very welcome, and I hope it's useful, both to you and others.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka michaeljpatrick

Just now getting around to posting the item I submitted last year...anyone up for critiquing?

(This should be just as it looked when submitted I think. Pulled it from my Google Docs just now)

Rosewood Spyglass:
Rosewood Spyglass of the Fabled Captain
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot -; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
This small device of exquisitely carved wood functions as a finely-crafted spyglass. While gazing through its crystal lens the wielder can make a ranged touch attack on a subject of Medium size or smaller at a range of 100ft. If successful the subject is forcefully pulled up to sixty feet in a straight line toward the wielder. The new position is assumed upon the end of the wielder’s turn. A DC 15 Fortitude save means the subject is not moved but only staggered for one round. The spyglass may also be inverted and thus used to heave its subject up to sixty feet away from the user. The Spyglass may be used three times per day.

If a solid object impedes the movement the subject will stop and must take damage as if falling. Creatures in the subject’s path incur damage as if from a falling object. Beings on or adjacent to the subject’s path do not receive an attack of opportunity.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, telekinesis, Cost 8,000 gp

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

Sure. Thoughts as I go through the item.

I'm guessing any coding was stripped out? You're missing bolds and italics. I also see at least one case where you've got "Spyglass" capitalized when it doesn't need to be.

The full name seems a bit long to me. I liked rosewood spyglass -- I think spyglasses are one of those really cool items that are rife for magic item-izing, along with mirrors and masks -- but the full name is just a bit too much. I'm not a fan of the "of the" construction in general, but especially in this case considering the fabled captain never really comes up.

Slot should now be "none" though they were still transitioning last year, so the em-dash would've been fine (though that's technically a hyphen, which they've said didn't really matter).

Couple issues in your first sentence: You write it functions as a finely crafted (which shouldn't be hyphenated) spyglass, which sort of implies it is not in fact actually a spyglass if that's what if functions as (if that makes sense). I might also have specified that it is in fact carved of rosewood, since that's in your name.

I like the basic idea of pushing or pulling something, though it's very similar to former Superstar entry the batrachian helm. I'd guess you were dinged for not looking back at past entries. That said, it seems like a very odd combination to me to go with a spyglass. I also felt like the range and distance were somewhat arbitrary. What happens if I use it on something that's only 40 feet away? Does it end up 20 feet behind me? Compare with the batrachian helm, which has a range of 20 feet and then can pull its target 20 feet. Staggered also seems like an odd choice -- while I can see how saying someone's staggered by being pulled, I don't think that's what the game effects quite indicate.

You do take care of a lot of rule possibilities, which is good, indicating what happens if something's in the way and potential attacks of opportunity.

So, I liked the basic concept of a rosewood spyglass being a magic item and think you've got some decent description and writing, but I think you need to find an effect that works better with the base item, as well as something that hasn't already been explored by Superstar.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka michaeljpatrick

Thanks for your input. You bring up quite a few good points.

The coding was stripped out, sorry about that. That, of course was not the case in the actual entry.

I think you're right about the similarity to the batrachian helm.

I had originally wanted to give it a shorter range, but as it was the idea was basically a less powerful variation on the telekinesis spell.

And as for the name- I totally agree with you. I think I was trying to play off of the success of the last leaves of the Autumn Dryad. In retrospect that was a bad move.

The idea of it being a spyglass that moves things was meant to play on the idea that a normal spyglass makes things look closer, whereas this one literally brings them closer. Perhaps a silly idea, but I kind of liked it.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

michaeljpatrick wrote:
The idea of it being a spyglass that moves things was meant to play on the idea that a normal spyglass makes things look closer, whereas this one literally brings them closer. Perhaps a silly idea, but I kind of liked it.

Ah, that actually makes plenty of sense; I think it just wasn't clear (at least not to me) from the item's write-up. I actually like that idea a lot, but I think it might work better with dimension door where the item you're looking at suddenly goes from far to not-so-far. In fact, I've been looking for a neat item for a player in one of my games, and I think I'm totally going to steal that. So thanks! : )

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka michaeljpatrick

Jacob W. Michaels wrote:
In fact, I've been looking for a neat item for a player in one of my games, and I think I'm totally going to steal that. So thanks! : )

No problem!


The comma before the word "Cost" in your Requirements line should be a semi colon (putting the formatting back may not have corrected that one)

*Munch*

*Chew*

*Happily flaps away with a format snack*

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