Corsage of the Captured Voice
Aura faint illusion; CL 4th
Slot neck; Price 8,300 gp; Weight -
Description
This white silken corsage, worn on the lapel, initially takes the form of a tastefully ruffled cocoon.
Once per day, as a standard action, the wearer of the cocoon corsage can attempt to capture the voice of any creature within 560 ft. that is capable of verbal communication (Will DC 13 negates).
The targeted creature loses the ability to use its voice, including any effects that require verbal components, until it is the subject of a lesser restoration effect (this method does not have any effect on the corsage), or the corsage is crushed (see below).
As it captures a voice, the cocoon unfurls into a silken purple-and-black butterfly. The wings’ pattern is different with each voice. Some Varisians claim the pattern is useful in fortune-telling, seeing the unfurled corsage as an image of Desna, goddess of song.
The butterfly corsage grants the wearer the ability to communicate in the language last used by the voice before it was captured, as share language with a continuous duration. Additionally, regardless of the language spoken, the butterfly corsage grants a +10 bonus to Disguise checks made to emulate the captured voice.
The corsage is delicate in butterfly form, and if it is crushed (as a swift action; either by the wearer, or by anyone else that succeeds an opposed grapple check), the captured voice is suddenly released, as a sound burst (DC 13) centered on the wearer. The voice is then returned to its original owner, who immediately regains full verbal capability.
A crushed butterfly corsage is useless, but reforms into a cocoon corsage the following nightfall.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, disguise self, share language, silence, sound burst; Cost 4,150 gp
I sort of like this one. I always wondered if wizards and sorcerers and clerics had a spell like blindness/deafness why not also have one that could make a target mute? Now silence sort of serves that purpose. But this item takes it to a new level. I like the voice-stealing and Disguise-enhancing aspects of it. I like the sound burst when crushed to release the voice. And I like the stolen language thing (which would obviously be necessary if you needed to snag the tribal chieftain's voice in the Mwangi jungle to tell his warriors to go away in their native tongue). This item would see a lot of play against enemy spellcasters, though. But, it's got a reasonably low DC 13 Will save to avoid the effect...which should be a good save stat for spellcasters anyway. I don't like the range at which it operates, though...560 feet is way too high. Knock this back to 30 or 60 feet so you have to get personal with it and I'd like it better. Still...
Innovative idea.
Mechanically interesting.
Well-written.
Followed the template with a perfect presentation.
Big Keep from me.
I just can't keep an item that's a butterfly corsage. I just can't dress that up and make it superstar.
Isn't this just a SAK anyway? What do butterflies, cocoons or corsages have to do with manipulating sound and voice? The theme makes no sense to me.
Reject.
Director of Brand Strategy
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I really like the flavor of this one, and think the mechanics are fairly sound. I think it should probably grant a bonus to Bluff instead of Disguise, and the sound burst effect might be a little too much. But overall, I think this is a fairly strong entry. I'm interested to see Sean's analysis, but until then, let's move it to the keep folder and see how it weighs against the others in that pile.
Keep.
I just can't keep an item that's a butterfly corsage. I just can't dress that up and make it superstar....What do butterflies, cocoons or corsages have to do with manipulating sound and voice? The theme makes no sense to me.
They're using that as the divine symbol of Desna. Her favored animal is the butterfly. She's the patron saint of travel, luck, and (to a lesser degree) song.
That said, I agree that it might have been better to drop that flavor and exchange it for a songbird brooch or something. It could even have been associated with Shelyn (goddess of music and patron of bards) very easily. And, given that she's also the goddess of beauty, a corsage might have fit her theme better than Desna.
Still, I enjoy the mechanics and the Golarion flavor enough to say it's worth Keeping. Don't know if it's Top 32 worthy yet. But we can compare that later.
One thing missing:
"When the butterfly returns to cocoon form, it returns the voice stored in it."
Otherwise you can use this 1/day and amass a large selection of voices, leaving a bunch of permanently voiceless people in your wake.
Other than that, not bad, good theme.
Keep.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16, 2010 Top 4
aka Alexander MacLeod
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While it's a neat item, I hear the word "corsage" and just can't think anything but flowers. Butterfly just doesn't spring to mind, no mater how I try. And that DC is awfully low (though right for a silence spell effect)... It would be a shame to own an item that could do all these cool things, but not on anyone but children and village simpletons.
Also, for crushing, wouldn't sunder be a better action than grapple?
Congratulations, there is a lot of attention to detail in your item’s formatting. Not making mistakes here has certainly drawn the judges’ eyes. So you use this to steal someone’s voice. Not sure about the theme of a corsage doing that, but I like the concept of borrowing someone’s voice. Lots of roleplaying and espionage potential there. Has a tiny bit of modern tech feel there, ‘speak into this flower on my lapel’ with a microphone in it, but I can ignore that. The unlisted duration seems strange. Does the butterfly revert to a cocoon every nightfall?
Good thoughts on the detail of getting the language as well as the voice. I could live with medium range (100 ish feet) but long range is way too much especially when none of the requirement spells have anything like this range. The loss of voice should really list all the spells that can cure it: break enchantment, heal, remove curse, restoration? The sound burst effect seems unnecessary, also what happens if I take the corsage off?
To me the fluff is really tacked on, Desna’s title is ‘the song of the spheres’ but that is about as close as she comes to music. As Neil said, a songbird broach would have been much better in my opinion. Shelyn is the goddess of music, and has the Air domain. I’m a little biased, having a high level cleric of Shelyn, but to me having no Golarion fluff is better than bad or inaccurate fluff.
Grapple checks aren’t normally opposed, it’s usually CMB vs. CMD (feels like 3.5 terminology :-).
Alex: A grapple check seems fine to me, a sunder check would be to break the item.
Mark: Disguise seems like the right skill, it’s like a sound-based disguise self.
Ok, I’ve probably been a bit harsh, but I can see the potential you have and I want to see more. Good writing, good detail, I won’t be surprised to see that you are a competitor from a previous year when the big Round 1 reveal happens.
Welcome to the ranks of RPG Superstar! My only advice is to write stuff that you would want to see in an adventure or source book, not what you think the judges (or even the voting public) want to see. Best of luck!
Good job on the formatting, that only becomes more important as time goes on.
Interesting. There is no spell that really encapsulates voice imitation. It is outside the scope of ventriloquism. The illusions generally cover sight and sound. I never noticed that.
Regarding Bluff versus Disguise, I fall on the side of Bluff. The Disguise skill seems too visually based, and the way I read this, you become a perfect imitator of the victim. Where you’re going to get caught is if you don’t say things that are keeping with the creature whose voice you stole. That brings in to play Sense Motive. Or perhaps this better handled as an illusion with a straight up Will save? Except that does water down the theme that you have literally stolen someone’s voice. Hmmm. Nah, keep it as it is, but make it a Bluff check. The stolen voice is perfect; the trick is not putting your foot in your mouth.
I want to like the fluff, but it does feel tacked on. It is also in the middle of the text. We’re getting some mechanics, then we get some fluff, and then we get more mechanics. It was a good try with Desna, but I concur with Matt, you have it to nail it or don’t use it. That doesn’t mean that theme itself wasn’t okay- just the Golarion bit needed reconsideration.
Regarding sound burst, I like that as a side-effect of the unintended destruction of the item, but you have it listed as a prerequisite. Why? So you can justify the side-effect? Why do I add a spell to my creation so it can hurt me later? After all, it doesn’t have any intended sound burst powers, so you only have it there to rationalize the side-effect. At the risk of NOT being Mr. Safe Judge and I’m going to go out on a limb here; I think I would drop it as a prerequisite, but still keep the effect as a response to what happens when it is crushed. Surprise! You didn’t know that would happen did ya?
A good item! Congratulations and I look forward to what crazy pitch perfect ideas you have for us in future rounds.
Wow. I made it through the doorway. Thank you for your votes and consideration!
Interestingly, the Desna-fluff was there from the get-go, but in fighting the enemy of "word count" I had hacked it down to only being in one place. (There were originally rules for how you could use the Butterfly Corsage as a component in scrying and other divinations!) Still, the feedback is strongly noted, and I will keep this in mind for future rounds.
I struggled with the Grapple vs CMB/CMD thing as well. Eventually I decided to use the grapple-terminology so that the AoO remained in place, and people with the Improved/Greater feats could make use of them.
I was going for something dual-purpose: caster-killer and espionage-tool. That made pricing pretty tricky, as did setting the DCs.
As far as the Disguise vs Bluff feedback. Hmmm. Interesting. I was trying to play it "by the rules" as much as I could, thinking that would get me ahead. However, I hear what you guys are saying and I'll consider being a little more free with things in the next round.
Thank you very much for your detailed breakdown of my item! (and anyone else that wants to join in as well, I'd love to hear how I can grow my authoring skills! be vicious!)
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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The winning part on this item for me is the clever use of stealing a voice, including the language of the speaker. That's a nice item, and icing on the cake that they can't talk while you've got it. However, the rules are problematic for me, and I'd probably give it a major overall if I were developing or editing it. In particular, I'd pick something more serious than lesser restoration to fix it, probably the generic remove curse, but maybe cure blindness / deafness.
I'm a fan of muting effects. I think I might have turned over four different ways to take a voice in the past six months, but none at all like this :) Very challenging to balance right, as witnessed by the reduction of silence's duration in the PFRPG. In the case of this item, I'd tack a duration on it as a mitigating factor.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6
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Ok, well the will save is low, but rendering the target mute until the item is destroyed or lesser restoration is cast is a bit harsh. I like the ‘sound burst’ mechanic, but it would be nice to have a hardness/hp to determine ‘crushed’ and don’t like the renewed item aspect (if it goes up in a sound burst I think it would be destroyed. The shout out to Desna is nice too.
Edit: I didn’t notice the range on my first read through.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Congratulations, Erik. I think the word count did you a favor: the item currently has a tighter focus than it would have with additional effects. Other commenters have noticed that you've latched onto a specific hole in Pathfinder rules: stealing voices. Nicely noticed.
I'm going to offer a suggestion: the purpose of title and fluff in something like a wondrous item is to provide context for the reader. So, as often as possible, fluff should serve as an introduction, rather than interrupting the mechanics.
I really like this item; it's a cool concept, very useful in situations that are unusual-but-not-unheard-of, and altogether one of my favorites of the round. I like the imagery, too - I agree it's not intuitively related to the concept, but it's very evocative, and seems to me more colorful and original than something stereotypically voice-related. And a corsage is a neat item choice.
I hope I'm not the only one getting Wayside School flashbacks, though :)
I really like this item. Stealing voices also is an idea i played with ( yeah, I played with man ideas), but that I dropped because i couldn't think of a really elegant way to handle it. You managed just that in a breathtaking way.
While I, like seemingly many others am not really grabbed by the visual theme you were going for I can see that it , too was well executed and polished.
rules-wise there might still be some bumps to iron out (low DC, disguise check,..) but nothing that is bad enough to cost you any points.
This item could easily make my favorites.
Keep up the good work in round 2.
Corsage of the Captured Voice
I'm trying really hard to like this; one of the items I considered submitting plays around with vocal effects, too, so the theme is appealing. I like that you could use it to temporarily acquire a language you don't know while moving through enemy territory by capturing a baddie and taking his voice.
I think at the end of the day I just don't like objects shaped like butterflies and cocoons, even if it is appropriate for Golarion/Desna - the flavor's too fruity for my tastes. Players and NPC villains alike would find this item useful, though, so I like it more than I dislike it.
One gripe: "Some Varisians claim the pattern is useful in fortune-telling, seeing the unfurled corsage as an image of Desna, goddess of song." This provided good flavor, but I felt it was a distracting addition to the description in the midst of the crunchy stuff.
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Not too much to add in addition to what's been written above - most of which I agree with.
I think this is middle-of-the-pack for the Top 32 as a whole, but it definitely belongs here. There's some aspects I dislike - the fluff, for example. What does a tastefully ruffled cocoon even look like? I have no idea. But there's way more stuff that grabs me, like the mechanics, the sound burst effect, etc.
Good job, and congrats on making the top 32!
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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I'm always fond of using magic and items to uniquely affect the environment or individuals. In this case, it fits the bill perfectly.
It uniquely uses silence to do something that I'm surprised hasn't been created as a spell in DnD or Pathfinder in 30 years.
Why does silence always have to be an area? Why can't you target an individual and mute them?
The rest of the stuff is thematically tight.
I really enjoyed reading this item, and would like to have it for my Bard one day.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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These are my comments before reading the comments of the judges or others:
The first sentence made me laugh. I just had a hard time seeing a tastefully presented bug cocoon. (You're at the prom... "Hey, you have a bug thing on your lapel.") "Chrysalis" would be a more attractive word choice and I'm not crazy about the title. Oh well. In any case, the core concept is solid, though I'm sure I've seen this somewhere before and most certainly in a movie or other game material. That certainly doesn't invalidate the idea though.
The range seems a bit odd. It seems overlong, an arbitrary number of feet. The DC seems low, though appropriate for the low cost/price. Since lesser restoration has no effect on the corsage, I'm left wondering if the spell empties the cocoon or if the cocoon still houses a duplicate of the voice. Once the cocoon unfurls it also seems like the butterfly is particularly vulnerable to attack or capture, though the item doesn't really address that. Just a bit of burning hands and *poof*.
The mention of Varisian fortune-telling should be dropped since this really isn't part of the item's function or isn't covered anywhere.
I think you missed the boat just a little with regard to benefits. Although the ones you do have are nice, they seem to be of limited use except for maybe the Disguise bonus (which is plenty big). Another good benefit would be to steal the victim's Perform (sing) or Perform (oratory) skills or perhaps even a bard ability (the price/cost definitely goes up in this case).
Chelaxian's enjoy a bit of opera and I can imagine a plot wherein a rival steals a famous opera singer's operatic talents too. I love magic items that might weave into a unique plot so well done on that score. Again, I'm not sure what movie or book the idea comes from but stealing someone's singing voice is sort of a classic, faerie tale idea and this item has a faerie tale feel. Stealing a singing talent ought to be there.
There are a few minor holes in getting the voice back to the victim. The distance from the butterfly when it's crushed isn't considered, so whether a victim is 1,000 miles away or even on another plane, the conditions for getting his voice back are a little incomplete. Also, crushing it is probably not the only option. This also seems somewhat sacrilegious considering Desna is mentioned, though it depends on who does the crushing, of course.
It seems like the construction requirements need a butterfly, but that's not exactly standard magic item building practice. :)
Overall, I like the concept well enough for consideration in my game, but the item needs some sharpening.
I was working on an item that used either "shatter" or "sound burst." Couldn't decide which one to go with so I dropped it. So kudos to going where I would not. And I have to give thumbs up to this one, being Desna and a cocoon and all. Congrats!
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Congratulations!
As with others, not much new to say by way of critique and the range jumped off the page at me. It seemed like "let me make sure I can nail those enemy casters hanging back at maximum range" kind of provision which is kind of "meh" for me. Anyway, that's been said already.
I do like the stealing voice thing and using it in disguise. Nice touch. Heck, I would have bought this item if it would nuke a single enemy caster and give the bonus to impersonate... the sound burst isn't even necessary to make this cool in my opinion.
It's a neat little item.
I get the theme with the cocoon, but I would think it be very noticalbe to see someone walking with a cocoon corasge as opposed to a flower. If I'm going to be doing this kind of thing I want to be sneaky and not attract attention to myself.
It doesn't give the CMD value for a grapple. Does this work off the user's CMD?
It may be a little too low-powered since the save is only DC 13.
Congratulations on making the Top 32!
I like the flavour of your item. Cocoon when it is "empty", butterfly when it is "full" - that's cool. Not much to do with voices, but it is still cool.
The 560ft thing is a little strange, I'm curious as to why you picked that number but what really gets me is this; I kept reading it expecting to see how a user could imitate a victim's voice completely and flawlessly but it was just a bonus to Disguise. Can you even use Disguise to emulate voices?
The rest of the abilities work well though, I think.
Great Item!
Congratulations on being a superstar!
This is a novel item but had me itching from the wearing of insects aspects (but I just dont like creepy crawlies).
I think the name is very evocative and grabbed my attention so I can ignore the "of the" use on this one.
I started to struggle on the first line of the description - I just dont see how you can "ruffle" a cocoon. They just dont ruffle. They go squeesh.
The flavour and rules seemed well thought out but there were some omissions.
If it's a butterfly shape and can be seen to change, what if someone uses a targetted spell against it, or, does a disarm / sleight of hand and removes it. Can the former be used to destroy it and does the letter result in the owner "losing" the stolen voice and the successful thief "gaining" it?
As it's a recognisable item that can change before an opponnent's eyes, it's likely to be targetted, so some hardness, hit points etc, I think, should have been given for this eventuality.
Scoring:
Note to all participants: The final score is a factor into who I vote for, but so is how much I like an item (my personal preferences and tastes). So dont assume I am voting for my highest scoring items only.
Name: 9/10
Still like it but I have to be fair and deduct 1 for the "of the" usage as I have done elsewhere. :D
Description: 8/10
Very nice presentation, fairly tight rules even though I found a few questions.
Construction: 9/10
I couldnt really fault this and you still arent getting a 10, I know, why isnt rare purple butterfly required? There's my 1 point deduction:P
Final score: 26/30 - well done indeed
An excellent entry, I hope the feedback is useful.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4
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Star Voter Season 6
aka raidou
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Erik, congratulations and welcome to the competition! I really like the innovation on display here, particularly the bit about stealing someone's voice to speak their language. That's great spy-thriller stuff. Not a huge fan of the fluff, but ultimately this item's an easy one to re-skin into any form and flavor I want. The Desna aspect is not inherently tied to the item in a way that makes it difficult to use elsewhere. I agree with Neil on the range... this device needs to be used up close. Otherwise, well-written and interesting stuff going on with this item. Good luck on your entries in future rounds!
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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"Tastefully ruffled cocoon". Strangest description I've read in a while (and I read Dean Koontz so that's saying a lot) but I like it. The various effects tie together well. I like the change to a butterfly. A unique spin on a wondrous item and good design work.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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This sounds a lot like the effects in The Little Mermaid. Anyone else notice this? *looks around* Ah, I'm not the only one.
I can't get past that on the first reading. An awesome archtype would probably get me to reread this and consider it more fully.
Ah! That was it! My daughter's 13 now; no wonder this eluded me. Haha!
Congratulations Erik!
Strength (Overall): 14
Dexterity (see time in my campaign): 12
Constitution (long-time keeper): 12
Intelligence (mechanics): 14
Wisdom (writing craft): 12
Charisma (flavor/visuals): 12
Stealing a casters voice is a great trick nice catch. Reread Matt Goodall's post for my concerns. Add to it the chance to permanently render a wizard moot is way too powerful imho. Automatic fails can/will happen. Sound burst on breaking the item is an awesome call, nice job.
My apologies for being such a slow reader and not getting you feedback sooner. Again, congratulations! :)
The primary effect of this is nasty in all the right ways. Need to mute a caster? Done. Need to get into the manor? Kidnap a guard or low level flunky and...Done. Need to mutter the password somewhat believably to the goblin at the entry to the ogre's lair? (Or something similar) Grab one who's out and about, scare the snot out of it, and...Done.
I like it, and I look forward to your archetype.
Corsage of the Captured Voice
Aura faint illusion; CL 4th
Slot neck; Price 8,300 gp; Weight -
Description
This white silken corsage, worn on the lapel, initially takes the form of a tastefully ruffled cocoon.Once per day, as a standard action, the wearer of the cocoon corsage can attempt to capture the voice of any creature within 560 ft. that is capable of verbal communication (Will DC 13 negates).
The targeted creature loses the ability to use its voice, including any effects that require verbal components, until it is the subject of a lesser restoration effect (this method does not have any effect on the corsage), or the corsage is crushed (see below).
As it captures a voice, the cocoon unfurls into a silken purple-and-black butterfly. The wings’ pattern is different with each voice. Some Varisians claim the pattern is useful in fortune-telling, seeing the unfurled corsage as an image of Desna, goddess of song.
The butterfly corsage grants the wearer the ability to communicate in the language last used by the voice before it was captured, as share language with a continuous duration. Additionally, regardless of the language spoken, the butterfly corsage grants a +10 bonus to Disguise checks made to emulate the captured voice.
The corsage is delicate in butterfly form, and if it is crushed (as a swift action; either by the wearer, or by anyone else that succeeds an opposed grapple check), the captured voice is suddenly released, as a sound burst (DC 13) centered on the wearer. The voice is then returned to its original owner, who immediately regains full verbal capability.
A crushed butterfly corsage is useless, but reforms into a cocoon corsage the following nightfall.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, disguise self, share language, silence, sound burst; Cost 4,150 gp
Ask A RPGSuperstar Succubus is posting from the point of view of a CE aligned succubus – fairness is an adjective applicable to hair coloration, balance is what a couple of mortals on opposite ends of a plank pivoted on a rocky spire above a drop of several hundred feet into a pool of molten basalt frantically try to do, and logic is something which proves anything a demon of adequate status and charm requires it to demonstrate.
Is the item Pretty?
A bit ostentatious, but yes.
Does the item help a demonic seductress to keep a paladin house pet?
Oooh. Good question. That depends upon whether you belong to the 'silencing them only makes them fall back on speaking to their god with their inner voice' or the 'making them less able to communicate with others makes them less likely to run away' school of thought. This debate has been raging in succubus circles for centuries. Personally I incline towards the first school at present, and therefore relieving a paladin of the ability to speak isn't necessarily that helpful, although I freely admit that a sub argument of the 'less likely to run away' school of thought which has some merit is that it silencing also hampers paladins' abilities to chant invocations and prayers to their deities that could result in manifestations of divine power.
Is the item otherwise useful?
Sometimes.
Other Comments? (including World Domination potential on the evil laughter scale, where appropriate)
I'm surprised your artificer managed to produce an item like this without use of the spell bestow curse somewhere in the process - not that I'm complaining too much since basing it off a silence spell boosts it to a much, much, greater range and makes it much, much, more dangerous. Sooner or later (unless a countermeasure is rapidly developed) any ruler or politician who makes regular public appearances is going to fall victim to one of these items in the hands of a group of pranksters, rebels, or political dissidents at which point much embarrassment and hilarity will ensue...
World Domination Potential:
Hahaha
Gollum Rating:
So juicy-sweet.
The voice-stealing ability is what caught my attention with your item. That's a very cool, and original idea. I can see this item potentially wrecking all sorts of havoc with PC spellcasters. <Evil chuckle.>
Nice job! I'm looking forward to seeing your archetype.
I want to continue to thank everyone for posting in my feedback thread. This stuff is great. (Well, almost great, *leers at the succubus* (who invited her anyway?))
I have to say that I'm really surprised at the reaming I got for the "butterfly" aspect of it. I'll have to realign myself here a little bit with regards to what I think is neat. I was thinking that something elegant and esoteric would make for a cool mysterious item: the sort of things Varisians would peddle. However, the voting public has told me otherwise. :-)
Thanks again everyone. I hope I've intrigued you enough to consider my round 2 entry. And if not your vote, then at least your critique!
I like the core idea of this item. The cocoon, butterfly, Desna theme here seems well thought out, but only tangentially connects to the function of the item, kind of like they are two separate good ideas. Apart from that the item is functionally and mechanically strong. My only other concern is the relatively low save DC to avoid loosing your voice, once you can spend this kind of money, you'd never blink at making this caliber of save.
I'm not sure I would use this as a PC, but I'll certainly use it against them :D
Nasty item against any spellcaster ... I'm surprised that you didn't use cocoon or butterfly in the title, since "corsage" seems to be only where it sits, and has nothing else to do with the item.
Not sure I'd allow this in my campaign, seems a bit too easy to silence the casters, but I'd need to think about it more. I definitely like the visual imagery you are using, and I love Desna as a diety, so it might sneak in.
Intriguing for sure!