The Palace in the Ashen Wastes

[Randy Dorman]

The Palace in the Ashen Wastes

In the wastelands of southern Qadira, a palace lowers under everlasting night -- a place once known as the Palace of Abundance, where visitors found debauched and otherworldly pleasures, where nearly a thousand slaves toiled in the palace's kitchens, spice gardens, and pleasure halls.

But that was all long ago. And, now, like its master, the palace has fallen to ruin; the entire area is shunned as thrice-cursed and demon-haunted.

These are the halls of Vashkar, the False Maharajah.

The palace is actually a walled compound located in a particularly desolate area, with no inhabited villages for several miles. The entire complex, which sprawls over several acres, seems always cast in shadow, even in the brightest noon sun. Anyone passing over or through the cracked, sagging walls immediately discovers that the palace grounds are always bathed in full darkness. A powerful idol (area 6) suffuses and shrouds the palace grounds with energies from the Plane of Shadow.

Although the grounds are vast, much is abandoned or ruined. The fabulous gardens are all dead, the magnificent buildings slumping and broken. Only the main residence still stands tall, albeit worn and battered. This massive building of crumbling green stone is supported by enormous columns, its every surface decorated with rows of arched windows and elaborate Vudrani sculpture, the features elided by the passing years. A pyramidal roof rises to a steep peak nearly eighty feet high.

Only areas of specific interest to the PCs are detailed on the map of the residence. Unnumbered entries should be considered empty, though the rooms might contain the rotted remains of a once bustling palace. You might choose to either expand some areas by adding additional encounters, or you might consider making some areas completely inaccessible due to collapsed roofs, floors, or so on.

1. The Courtyard in Darkness (Average CR 4)

This grim courtyard is dark and still. Small stone walls lie tumbled down beside well-worn paths, while dead weeds push through ancient cobblestones. A row of blighted trees leads straight toward steps rising up into the looming hall.

Creatures: About the exterior loiter 3d6 human slaves (LE human commoner 1) and 1d6 ash jackals.

The slaves are half-naked starvelings with painted faces and vacant, dreamy expressions: the last descendants of the palace servants. The slaves spend their waking hours in drug-induced reveries, barely conscious of the world around them and utterly devoted to their rakshasa masters, whom they consider divine. These wretches can't actually perform any real work: they are now kept solely for fodder or amusement. For any slave to enter the actual residence building, both their hands must be first broken backwards in imitation of their master, a cruelty considered a great honor.

A slave is AC 10, has only 1 hp, and fails all saves. Slaves cannot attack or, for that matter, take any independent action. They do not resist any attack and cheerfully lay down their lives or subject themselves to any other debasement.

ASH JACKALS CR 1
hp 13 (MM 283; wolf)

2. Reception Area (CR 16)

This chamber, once brightly painted and crowded with statuary, is now drab and dirty, the floor littered with rubble. An obscene slick of fresh gore pools near the entrance.

Creatures: Two nalfeshnees are snacking upon a couple of slaves while 4 other slaves idle only footsteps away, oblivious to the slaughter.

NALFESHNEE AMBASSADORS (2) CR 14
hp 175 (MM 45)
===== TACTICS =====
During Combat The boar-demons, strangers themselves, may not immediately recognize the PCs as intruders. Once they do, they bellow a warning. One opens with greater dispel magic, while the other uses its smite ability. The next round one wades into melee while the other hangs back and uses call lightning or feeblemind.
Morale The nalfeshnees have little interest in a costly fight, and teleport away when reduced to 60 hp.

PALACE SLAVES (4) CR 1/4
hp 1 (area 1)

3. Hall of Pleasures (CR 14)

This formerly opulent hall is still decorated with statues of animal-headed, multiarmed creatures. Numerous rotting pillows and blankets lie scattered across the floor. A wooden table stands at the back of the room, its surface littered with piles of broken or overturned tableware. An enormous dark bowl, over four feet wide and decorated with a severe, alien visage, dominates the table.

The bowl, the Bane of Ascension, radiates both strong evil and necromancy magic to detection spells. A DC 30 Knowledge (religion) check identifies the bowl as made from the hollowed-out skull of a nightwalker. Any creature reduced to -1 hp or less while in this room must make a DC 17 Will save or be affected by a death knell spell. In addition, any creature slain in the room must make a DC 23 Will save or be affected by a soul bind spell, with the soul being absorbed into the bowl. After 24 hours the soul is devoured and cannot be recovered. Destroying the bowl (AC 3, hardness 5, hp 50) frees any trapped, undevoured souls.

Creatures: The room is occupied by 4 vampire rakshasas and 6 palace slaves.

SERVITORS OF THE FALSE MAHARAJA (4) CR 10
Vampire rakshasas
LE Medium undead (augmented native outsider)
Init +8; Senses darkvision 60 ft., detect thoughts (DC 15); Perception +22
===== DEFENSE =====
AC 22, touch 13, flat-footed 19; (+4 Dex, +1 dodge, +15 natural)
hp 81 (7d12+35 HD); fast healing 5
Fort +5, Ref +11, Will +7
Defensive Abilities undead traits, turn resistance +4; DR 15/good and piercing and 10/silver and magic; Resist cold 10, electricity 10; SR 27
Weaknesses vampire weaknesses
===== OFFENSE =====
Spd 70 ft., climb 30 ft. (as spider climb)
Melee slam +14 (1d6+6 plus energy drain) or
2 claws +14 (1d4+6) and
bite +9 (1d6+3)
Special Attacks blood drain, children of the night, create spawn, dominate (DC 18)
Spells Known (CL 7th, +11 ranged touch)
3rd (5/day) -- haste, suggestion (DC 18)
2nd (7/day) -- acid arrow, bull's strength, invisibility
1st (8/day) -- charm person (DC 16), mage armor, magic missile, shield, silent image (DC 16)
0 (At will) -- detect magic, light, mage hand, message, read magic, resistance, touch of fatigue (DC 16)
===== TACTICS =====
Before Combat The servitors cast bull's strength and haste upon hearing commotion.
During Combat The servitors spring at intruders with an animalistic glee. They use the slaves as shields, and if wounded, will drain their blood to regain lost hit points. The servitors grapple opponents immune to level drain, and drain their blood.
Morale The servitors fight until destroyed.
Base Statistics AC 21, touch 12; Ref +11; Spd 40 ft., climb 15 ft.; Melee slam +11 (1d6+4 plus energy drain); Str 18; CMB +11.
===== STATISTICS =====
Str 22, Dex 18, Con -, Int 15, Wis 15, Cha 21
Base Atk +7; CMB +13
Feats Alertness, Combat Casting, Combat Reflexes B, Dodge, Improved Initiative B, Lightning Reflexes B
Skills Bluff +23 (+27 reading an opponent's mind), Diplomacy +15, Disguise +19, (+23 reading an opponent's mind, +29 using change shape), Intimidate +15, Perception +22, Perform (oratory) +15, Sense Motive +22, Spellcraft +12 (+16 casting defensively), Stealth +22
Languages Common, Infernal, Undercommon
SQ alternate form, change shape, gaseous form

PALACE SLAVES CR 1/4
hp 1 (area 1)

4. Forsaken Throne Room (CR 16)

Rows of cyclopean columns support the vaulted ceiling almost 40 feet above the marble floor. Brightly painted murals once decorated the grand walls. A raised dais held a throne, now overturned. The room is blanketed in dust, several columns lie broken on the floor, and the murals are stained or scratched out.

An enormous statue of polished gray stone stands in the center of the hall. It depicts an obese man with the head of a tusked elephant and rubies for eyes.

Two grotesque heads are nailed upon the walls. Each head is actually composed of several smaller heads. One sports jackal, human, crocodile, and lion heads, while the other combines an ape, hawk, cobra, and tiger. As you enter the room, the dead eyes in these heads seem to move, and dry tongues seem to loll in the lifeless mouths.

The heads once belonged to two maharajah rakshasas. Whenever intruders enter the room, the heads yammer in a strange, bestial tongue, creating a song of discord effect (CL 18th, DC 17 Will negates).

A DC 30 Knowledge (the planes) check reveals that the murals depict a rakshasa ascending through a series of reincarnated forms.

Creature: The statue is a golem, ordered to attack anyone unaccompanied by a rakshasa.

TUSKED GUARDIAN CR 16
HP 271 (MM 137; greater stone golem)

5. The Stygian Well (CR 15)

This floor of this great hall contains a circular well almost 15 feet across and filled with inky blackness; only a small raised lip runs around its gaping circumference.

The well drops straight down 40 feet, ending in a stone floor littered with bones. The shaft is veiled in magical darkness, impenetrable to normal vision and darkvision, though undead can see normally within the effect. Creatures outside the well, even undead, cannot see into it. The effect cannot be dispelled, though a light spell of fifth level or lower will negate the darkness for 2d6 rounds. Living creatures in the darkness take 10d6 negative energy damage each round, with a DC 20 Will save for half, while undead heal the same amount. Destroying the idol in area 6 permanently dispels the effect.

The secret entrance to Vashkar's tomb (area 8) can found at the bottom of the well on a DC 30 Perception check.

Creatures: Six vampire rakshasas pounce on any intruders.

SERVITORS (6) CR 10
hp 81 (area 3)
===== TACTICS =====
During Combat Wounded servitors jump into the well to heal damage and try to bull rush living creatures into it.
Morale The servitors fight to the death.

6. The Consort (CR 18)

This room contains an imposing metallic idol, almost eight feet tall and stained green with verdigris, depicting a crocodile-headed man devouring the sun.

The idol is the focus of the magical effect that plunged the palace into eternal night. It radiates overwhelming illusion (shadow) magic.

IDOL OF LINGERING NIGHT
AC 3 (-5 Dexterity, -2 object)
hp 180; hardness 5; Break DC 30
===== EFFECTS =====
Each round the idol can cast a greater shadow evocation effect (CL 20th, DC 20) on any intruders.

Creatures: The idol is guarded by Vashkar's newest consort, a marilith demon.

CHARUNDRA CR 17
hp 266 (MM 44)
===== TACTICS =====
During Combat Charundra opens with blade barrier before closing to melee.
Morale If the idol is destroyed Charundra abandons her lover and teleports away. Otherwise she fights to the death.

Development: Destroying the idol dispels the night effect shrouding the palace. If this occurs during daytime, all vampires immediately flee for the stygian well (area 5).

7. The False Maharajah (CR 20)

What once might have been the chamber of some decadent king is now a squalid riot of broken furniture and equipment. Amidst the debris lingers the reek of decay and musty cinnamon.

Sprawled across the floor is the butchered corpse of what was once a lovely female with bat-like wings.

The entire room is so strewn with rubbish that every square counts as dense rubble.

Creature: The master of the palace, overcome with melancholy, has sought out this chamber for solitude. In this bleak humor he is oblivious to anything else in the palace save the destruction of the idol. The sight of intruders in this place fills him with seething rage.

VASHKAR CR 20
hp 310 (RPG Superstar)
===== TACTICS =====
Morale Vashkar understands that retreating now only delays the inevitable. Unless pressed by daylight to leave, he makes his stand, battling savagely until reduced to 0 hp and forced back to his crypt (area 8).

8. The Crypts

This dank, fetid chamber contains a series of stone sarcophagi.

Vashkar and his servitors hide their coffins here.

[Clark Peterson]

Initial Review

To me, this one just screamed to be done this round. In the initial version of this villain many of us commented that the lair was perhaps cooler than the villain. Then the villain we reconcepted and improved, and the lair changed. And you captured that here very, very well. I really think this is a very strong submission. My only question about this lair was execution--how can you do it justice in 2000 words. Well, my gut says you did. I think this is great. But I've got to let them all percolate in my brain for a few days. More to come, but I like this one.

Initial Top 4.

Final Thoughts

Randy, you have been a pleasure to watch in this contest. The helm and Hecataeus were brilliant. The fact two people wanted to work with his lair says alot about how great he is. You've really impressed me. I think you did the second best this round in translating what is special about this specific villain into their lair. As a result, this submission is one of my top 2 and is RECOMMENDED.

[Monte Cook]

This is a cool and flavorful place, but I almost wonder if you've bit off more than you can chew here, trying to detail the entire place with the word limitations you have. If I was going to run this as a DM, I'm left with more questions than I normally like to have using published game material. These include:

1. Do the jackals in area 1 attack the PCs? (My preference, since they're no challenge at all, would be to have area 1 be flavor only, but you've given it a CR, which implies that there will be a fight.) And does the perpetual shadow actually affect visibility?

2. Are the demons here friends of Vashkar? I assume so, but there’s very little explanation for why two major-class demons are just hanging out here. To me, Nalfeshnee aren’t throw-away monsters, and have a lot of various tricks up their sleeves and it’s a shame to have to present them in about 12 lines of text.

3. Room 3 is a cool encounter, although for PCs that can take on Vashkar, it’s probably pretty easy. I like the bowl. A minor rules quibble: you can’t have a vampire rakshasa. You can only apply the vampire template to a humanoid or monstrous humanoid. That said, this is the kind of rule I can see ignoring for flavor’s sake and it seems as though you were handed this concept from someone else (this is the danger of bringing in a new judge in the middle things, I guess).

4. The idol in area 6 is cool, but I’m not sure there’s enough info here to run it properly. What’s its initiative? What spells effects does it like to use?

5. Do these creatures all stay in their rooms, even if they hear combat? Vashkar, for example, could harass intruders pretty well throughout the whole lair.

Lastly, I think some of the save DCs are probably really easy for anyone that could beard Vashkar in his lair.

So, overall, I love the flavor of this place, I just think it might have been too much to try to do in this format. Knowing how much you can properly detail in a set amount of words in an assignment is an important skill for a writer to have.

[Sean K Reynolds]

Drugged slaves: I don't think I get what's going on with them. Some work outside, but the elite few allowed inside have to have their hands broken backwards... each time they enter? Once, then they heal? What does "have their hands broken backwards" mean? Broken hand bones? Wrist bones? Can they use their hands afterwards? Who breaks them? Why do the rakshasas bother making this requirement for their useless slaves?

The DR for the vampire rakshasas makes my eyes cross. Yes, it's what happens if you apply the vampire template to the rakshasa, but if you're going to break the template rules ("humanoid only") you might as well just fiddle with that aspect of the template so the creature's DR is easier to deal with (otherwise the GM has to figure out how effective each PC's weapon is if it isn't good, piercing, magic, and silver. I also don't see how their base speed is 70 ft. (rakshasa base speed is 40, vampires don't gain a speed increase).

The "only undead can see through this darkness" in area 5 bugs me as a let's-cheese-the-PCs sort of thing, but that's a nitpick on my part.

I don't get what the bowl in area 3 is for, other than as a trap/hazard for the room. As a named item, you'd think it would have some purpose for the encounter.

I don't know why the villain is melancholy or why there is a dead winged figure on the floor. His former consort? Did something kill her? Did he kill her? If so, why?

This feels like a lot of encounters, but not much of a story linking them. I like "demons and vampires hanging out" as a theme, but there needs to be more to it than that to make this area interesting and memorable to the players.

Rec: do not advance.

[Monte Cook]

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give this a 6. Flavorful, but sadly, not recommended.

[Wolfgang Baur]

I love this place, and its monstrous evil! I don't have any story concerns with it; quite the contrary, it seems to me that the villain's lair should just be the culmination of longer adventures and should serve as a stage for the players to act on.

And this is a very fine stage, full of strange, evil, and frightening scenes sketched out in just enough detail that I know how I'd run this. It's the empty and broken place where evil things lurk, and beyond that, I don't need much. Great flavor throughout, good choice to put the slaves and jackals up front to set the scene.

Great lair. Recommended to advance.

[inue]

I'm so glad someone did this lair! You get my vote just for being brave enough to attempt it.

Also cool that you and Eric did eachother's villans.

[Jason Nelson]

I like this evil high-level lair and the feeling of desolation. I'm fine with vampire outsiders (especially given the base villain is one himself), and I like the villain himself. The evil well is great, the whacked-out slaves are creepy. A few bits and pieces missing, but the lair is overall really good - and as many have said I think these are all pretty good. On balance, though, I think this one narrowly misses out on a vote from me. I like it, but there is a certain desolation or emptiness I feel when I read it. I'm not sure why, can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's that we don't know the big V is supposed to be doing while the party is hacking its way to his lair - maybe I wanted something more reactive in the main villain.

Anyway, it's very good and you should have a good shot to move on.

[Jorrik the Fat]

As I've said in some of the other threads, there wasn't a single lair in this round I disliked. I could have voted for any of them, in different circumstances. But we have the situation that we do, and you're up against the best, so we have to get harsh when deciding which two lairs to vote for. It was a tough choice, but in the end, this just has enough inherent coolness and atmosphere to make it through to my final two for this round, and earn one of my votes.

Which may mean you're doomed; I haven't had much luck in terms of people I've voted for getting through to the next round. Except... hmm, you're the one exception to that, aren't you? Lets hope that holds, eh?

[roguerouge]

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

The DR for the vampire rakshasas makes my eyes cross. Yes, it's what happens if you apply the vampire template to the rakshasa, but if you're going to break the template rules ("humanoid only") you might as well just fiddle with that aspect of the template so the creature's DR is easier to deal with (otherwise the GM has to figure out how effective each PC's weapon is if it isn't good, piercing, magic, and silver.

So, you're asking him to create new rule? I thought that was restricted to last round.

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

I don't know why the villain is melancholy or why there is a dead winged figure on the floor. His former consort? Did something kill her? Did he kill her? If so, why?

It's his consort, a succubus, from last round. The blackguard, remember?

[Eric Bailey]

Randy, you NAILED the mood and demeanor of Vashkar and his palace. The details and minions are great! Thanks for choosing the palace as your lair.

good luck, too!

-eric

[The_Minstrel_Wyrm]

Randy nice job on a lair for the Vashkar, it's one I was really hoping to see and you delivered. (And I think you did well with the Palace in the Ashen Wastes.) I read through all the entries this time before voting (and with only allowed two votes, man oh man, it was tough to choose.) But you earned my 2nd vote. I look forward to seeing what you provide for the Adventure Proposal submission. Good Luck!

Dean; the Minstrel_Wyrm

[Sean K Reynolds]

roguerouge wrote:

So, you're asking him to create new rule? I thought that was restricted to last round.

No, I'm asking for a ruling. Technically he's already made a new rule by adding the vampire template ("humanoids only") to an outsider, so he might as well address the problem this "illegal" combination introduces.

After all, if someone slapped a vampire template ("undead, therefore can't take nonlethal damage," on a troll ("all damage is nonlethal except for fire and acid"), I'd expect them to address how those two things interact ("uh, it takes no damage unless it's fire or acid?"), because if they don't, they're leaving every GM hanging.

roguerouge wrote:

It's his consort, a succubus, from last round. The blackguard, remember?

Yes, I assumed it was his consort, which is why I suggested it may be his consort. :) My other questions are still unanswered: Why is he melancholy? Why is she still on the floor? Did something kill her? Did he kill her? If so, why?

[Randy Dorman]

raidou wrote:

Randy, you NAILED the mood and demeanor of Vashkar and his palace. The details and minions are great! Thanks for choosing the palace as your lair.

Thanks, man -- that really means a lot. You really gave me some fantastically evocative stuff to work with. I really dug both the second and third round versions of Vashkar, and tried to pull in as many Easter eggs from both as I could.

I think it's really cool that you ended up doing Hecataeus. Once I've digested it, I'll post over in your thread, but good luck!

[Charles Evans 25]

Initial Impression:
Even given that it is made clear that this is the 'main residence' of a much more extensive palace that has now fallen into ruins, it seems to me to be rather limited in terms of total rooms.
I suppose the description could be conveying to me an intention other than what the author intended.
I will come back to comment further at some point later.

[roguerouge]

roguerouge wrote:

So, you're asking him to create new rule? I thought that was restricted to last round.

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

No, I'm asking for a ruling. Technically he's already made a new rule by adding the vampire template ("humanoids only") to an outsider, so he might as well address the problem this "illegal" combination introduces.

After all, if someone slapped a vampire template ("undead, therefore can't take nonlethal damage," on a troll ("all damage is nonlethal except for fire and acid"), I'd expect them to address how those two things interact ("uh, it takes no damage unless it's fire or acid?"), because if they don't, they're leaving every GM hanging.

He didn't make a new rule. He did what freelancers are supposed to do: work with what's been given to him, which was a vampire rakshasa villain. Yes, he chose it, but not one judge last round made a peep about it being illegal or about the DR. Heck, Jason referred to the stat blocks as being "pretty tight" and made no mention of the DR or the template combo. In fact, you said nothing about the DR or the template combo last round. What, he's going to risk expulsion because some voters argued at some length and agreed to disagree on this issue? If you had a problem with DR or the template combo, you should have brought it up last round.

Edit: To be strictly fair, here's what you wrote:

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

Description:
WAY to turn this one around! Interesting backstory, interesting motivation, very appropriate for him to be a rakshasa, successful villain!

Stat Block:
Here is where I point and laugh at Jason. ;) I accept his evaluation of your stat block and spare myself the insanity of checking it again. ;)

Rule Element:
People love bloodlines! And here's one that isn't based on your ancestors having sex with something weird! Bravo! It's pretty stylin, I'm already imagining a lycanthrope sorcerer with this bloodline.

Excellent growth from R2 to R3!

Rec: advance!

roguerouge wrote:

It's his consort, a succubus, from last round. The blackguard, remember?

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

Yes, I assumed it was his consort, which is why I suggested it may be his consort. :) My other questions are still unanswered: Why is he melancholy? Why is she still on the floor? Did something kill her? Did he kill her? If so, why?

The remaining questions certainly fall under the heading of DM purview for me. YMMV and it evidently does.

[Medievaltom]

I agree with Roguerouge. No sense dinging Randy for something the judges didn't mind last round.

WRT the nalfeshnees, it seemed pretty clear to me that they were visiting "ambassadors." Word space is at a premium here, especially for a villain with such a high CR.

I liked the slaves, and breaking their hands was a nice touch.

I also liked that the blackguard succubus consort was killed in this entry. He took an idea that was presented and made it his own, changing (while acknowledging) the work that was done before.

I'm not done reading all the other entries yet, but good work.

[Sean K Reynolds]

roguerouge wrote:

He didn't make a new rule. He did what freelancers are supposed to do: work with what's been given to him, which was a vampire rakshasa villain.

I agree; that doesn't mean I can't ask for more. It's one thing to for me to expect him to fix a problem when he links someone else's villain (in fact, the R4 rules say NOT to include the R3 villain's stat block, so that means no fixing), it's another to make similar villains and not address the issue.

roguerouge wrote:

If you had a problem with DR or the template combo, you should have brought it up last round.

So missing something last round means I'm never allowed to comment on it? :)

roguerouge wrote:

Edit: To be strictly fair, here's what you wrote:

Yep, Jason got to it first, and rather than repeating his effort in checking EVERYTHING in the stat block, I accepted his evaluation and gave the rest of it more scrutiny (which, as you quoted, I very much liked).

And it's one thing to run into this problem with the main villain; this lair has FOUR monsters with 15/good and piercing and 10/silver and magic; evaluating that DR is going to come up every round, for multiple rounds, for every character that swings at them. It's a GM headache.

Note that I'm not poo-pooing the lair because of this one issue. You'll see I had several other things that made me ask, "what is going on here?" And not all of them can be explained as "they're hooks for GMs to expand." Stuff that, if this were a published lair, we'd have people on the boards asking, "what the heck does this mean?" Stuff that the developer would have to explain before publishing, or bounce back to the designer for answers.

[Trevor Gulliver]

When Clark and Monte said that everyone 'brought it' this round, they weren't kidding. I love the opening description as you locate this palace in Qadira. It's can imagine a group of adventurers stumbling upon this place out of legend, investigating, nearly dying, escaping, and never being believed when the retell the tale. Actually makes me think of Howard's "Xuthal of the Dusk" (aka, 'The Slithering Shadow'). ... I'm not in any way saying it's derivative, it just has the possibility of being a similar tale of thrilling adventure.

[William Senn]

This was a very nice attempt, but honestly (as I said in the General forum before the entries were shown), I think Vashkar is just too high-level a villain to do his main lair justice in 2,000 words. I can definitely see where you've hit word limit issues in this entry. It's a valiant effort, but this doesn't quite have the quality to be a Top 4 entry to me.

As Monte said, it's important to be able to know when you're biting off more than you can chew.

[Sue Flaherty]

First, congratulations on making Top 8!

Very evocative use of language, painting in very few, well-chosen words the imagery of this place. I especially loved the reference to the old palace from the round two villain, and what the round three villain had made it become, kudos!

While things might be a touch "lean", because of the word count, I think this is a really grand final fighting ground at the end of an adventure or AP. Yes, there are questions, but I have to presume some of those would have been covered in earlier material. Yes, a risky choice, but for me it worked :)

Questions from me (repeating, don't answer until you're allowed!):

What do the ash jackals in area one do? This omission is awkward for me.

Elided ... odd word choice -- my dictionary says it means dropping or omitting a vowel, consanant or syllable in pronunciation ... yet you use it to refer to the missing faces of the statues? I'd love to know more about this (yeah, curse the english major <G>)

I like this, and you've made it even harder for my end decision. On to the next three, and seeing where my two votes finally land!

[Christopher West]

Focusing particularly on the map, I have to say that it's clean, easy on the eye and quite nice as authors' sketches go. Very legible. At the same time, it seems to try too hard to look nice, rather than including much useful detail.

Don't get me wrong: the statue and column placement is very valuable information and it's nice to see some shadowing involved, but it feels like the time spent putting in a nice stone texture as the floor grid could have been used to put some incidental details in the empty chambers. Areas of debris, collapsed walls/ceilings, and other nuances are important to evoke in the map the feeling you've created in the prose. The cartographer should incorporate those details to make the map a nice visual companion to the text, but this entry gives no detailed guidance for that. If you as the author included it in the sketch, you have the opportunity to arrange the debris in a way that plays nicely for the combat events destined to take place here. If you rely on the cartographer to design those parts, you might not end up with quite the arrangement or feeling you had in mind.

In any case, this lair doesn't really look to me like a memorable place to encounter a special villain. Your description goes a long way to make the locations sound remarkable, but very little of it translates into a visually exciting map and there's not much about the terrain itself that contributes to the encounter. Even the layout itself is plain and boxy: with the exception of one circular chamber, every room of the lair is a simple rectangle.

It's a good clean map that does essentially what it needs to do as far as the cartographer is concerned, but it could have been much more compelling.

[Sean McGowan]

I do love that someone made a go at Vashkar's lair. (Or the former Varrush's lair, depending on your point of view).

Unfortunatley, while the feel of the place is right on, the various encounters beg for more explanation... which, of course, you don't have room for, what with submission limitations. Still, it does seem like an odd series of disjjointed encounters, to me, without a real flow to them.

On the positive side, some of those encounters have mad cool stuff going on; The Bane of Ascension adds a rather creepy fun complcation to an otherwise standard encounter, and the Stygian Well is just potentially nasty . They bring it back around.

I'm not sure where my votes are going yet, but Hecateus was among my favorite villans both of the last rounds; that helps a lot. It wouldn't be enough for me to swing your way with a subpar entry, but something that I only have slight reservations about... just might.

[St. James]

Randy, nice work, I was so disapointed when I relized you couldn't illustrate Hec's lair but isn't it a great complement that two of your peers chose it!
This lair is well done and full of flavor, I was suprised at how much you got done in such little time. I hope you make it and you will certainly get my vote.

[Charles Evans 25]

[:shock:] You killed the succubus blackguard cohort!!! How could you, you monster??? -25 points and straight to the bottom of the class! [/:shock:]

On a more serious note I can see that you may have felt compelled to have some indication of the succubus being around (since the succubus is there in Vashkar's stat block, and voters would have demanded 'where is she?' if you hadn't mentioned her). I can only assume that you killed her off because:
(1) You thought that Vashkar's CR was unrepresentative, and that removing the cohort was a way to bring it (slightly) back in line.
or:
(2) You wanted a reason for Vashkar to not turn up in the middle of a fight and with the assistance of his minions to reduce the PCs to the vampire equivalent of canapes.

You could have picked another villain to stat a lair for however.

I am currently reminded of your Round 2 Hecataeus entry. There was some originality in that entry, but I felt that it was not exactly inspired. Then for Round 3 you went through all the feedback you had received, and turned out a much more impressive version which in my opinion stood head and shoulders above the rest of the field in that round.
This current Round 4 entry seems to me to be lacking in several departments other than just that of the succubus blackguard - and whilst I feel that you display the ability to learn and improve work intelligently, based on criticism, I don't know that you yet have the skill-set to be the finished article in terms of being a module writer. That may well impact my view of your adventure proposal if you make it to the last round.

[Trevor Gulliver]

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

I am currently reminded of your Round 2 Hecataeus entry. There was some originality in that entry, but I felt that it was not exactly inspired. Then for Round 3 you went through all the feedback you had received, and turned out a much more impressive version which in my opinion stood head and shoulders above the rest of the field in that round.
This current Round 4 entry seems to me to be lacking in several departments other than just that of the succubus blackguard - and whilst I feel that you display the ability to learn and improve work intelligently, based on criticism, I don't know that you yet have the skill-set to be the finished article in terms of being a module writer. That may well impact my view of your adventure proposal if you make it to the last round.

But, you do agree, Charles that he is good at taking an editor's feedback and turning out a much better product? That seems to be something that Sean, Clark, & Wolfgang really value in that contest and the improvement he made between round 2 and round 3 shows he has that.

[Xaaon of Xen'Drik]

The Black Well is one of my favorite adventures of all time, it uses a Vampire Dragon...it's excellent, and they address the "illegal" use of the vampire template in the adventure...

This is one of my favorite villains in all the rounds, glad someone made a lair based on him. And it passes my test.

Number 1 vote! Love it.

[Charles Evans 25]

Tarren Dei wrote:

But, you do agree, Charles that he is good at taking an editor's feedback and turning out a much better product? That seems to be something that Sean, Clark, & Wolfgang really value in that contest and the improvement he made between round 2 and round 3 shows he has that.

The Round 3 entry was much improved on the Round 2 entry, I feel, but this Round 4 entry seems to me to be back at about the level of the Round 2 entry.

I don't know if that was because of time pressure, or having to start with a relatively unfamiliar villain from scratch, or a combination of those and/or other factors.
If there were a Round 5 which was 'produce an improved lair', I expect that this superstar candidate would again be at the top of the class.

I think that he is someone who should be very worth watching for the future, for when he has developed his skills (and perhaps written 'side-treks' for Pathfinder or articles for Kobold Quarterly) but that he isn't there quite yet.

[Elora]

Wow, this was just beautifully done. Randy's been a solid contender in my book throughout this whole contest and earned my vote last round, but this is the first time I really felt like his entry screamed "Superstar!".

Still have a few lairs to read, but this is my favorite so far. Evocative, interesting and efficient. Love the Well and the Bane of Ascension. Fantastic job of hinting at more, which is imperative with the word restrictions. Great job!!

[roguerouge]

Just a note: there's a new lover: the marileth demon. So, that may help with the whole "what's Vashkar thinking?/Maybe there's no succubus to reduce the EL" question.

[roguerouge]

roguerouge wrote:

If you had a problem with DR or the template combo, you should have brought it up last round.

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

So missing something last round means I'm never allowed to comment on it? :)

Of course not! Comment away! But I'm saying that I wouldn't ding a different contestant too harshly for following rules that were tacitly approved by the judges last round. He's pretty much gotta go with the mechanics that his implicit editors approved.

[William Senn]

roguerouge wrote:

roguerouge wrote:

If you had a problem with DR or the template combo, you should have brought it up last round.

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

So missing something last round means I'm never allowed to comment on it? :)

Of course not! Comment away! But I'm saying that I wouldn't ding a different contestant too harshly for following rules that were tacitly approved by the judges last round. He's pretty much gotta go with the mechanics that his implicit editors approved.

Plus, the vampiric rakshasa minions were listed in his stat block.

[Sean K Reynolds]

I'm wondering where you all got the idea that I wasn't an evil nitpicker. ;)

[William Senn]

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

I'm wondering where you all got the idea that I wasn't an evil nitpicker. ;)

Oh, that wasn't in doubt, I don't think. We're just trying to determine if you're a garden variety evil nitpicker or whether you've got an illegally applied template somewhere in there yourself ;)

[Jason Rice]

Before I begin, let me say congrats on advancing.

I have tried to keep my comments related to issues which no one has mentioned. I hope it's more helpful than receiving the same comment a dozen times.

Additionally, I have tried to keep each round separate, critiquing each submission on its own merit. One of my favorites in round 2 was one of my least favorite in round 3. Conversely, I hated one contestant's round 2 submission, but loved their round 3 submission. So, that said, let me get to the point.

Issues in discussion thread:

1) The vampire template (again): I was one of the critics of Vashkar in round 3, and this was one of the reasons. However, I am not going to ding Randy for the template for two reasons. He didn't create the improper template issue in the first place, and I'm not carrying over previous concerns to all future rounds. I'm judging each entry on its own merit.

2) The missing Succubus: I suspect it's missing because of word count. Which is probably the same reason Matthew Stinson got rid of the "bearded lady" for Rustin Harp. I don’t see the missing succubus as a bad thing.

The Bad:

1) In area 5, you said:

"Living creatures in the darkness take 10d6 negative energy damage each round, with a DC 20 Will save for half, while undead heal the same amount. Destroying the idol in area 6 permanently dispels the effect."

If that’s the case, then why would Vashkar leave the necessary ingredient for his permanent "heal" out in the open??? Not to mention the key to the darkness surrounding the manor AND protection against intruders while he was in his coffin? The idol has 3 MAJOR uses for Vashkar, and yet it's not in the most protected area (area 8) where anyone (adventurers) trying to destroy it first have to take damage? Oh, sure, he has a consort "protecting" it. But really, how much can you trust a demon? Especially a new employee. Perhaps that’s why the succubus is dead?

2) This doesn't feel like a palace to me. Even one badly in need of repair. Where are the fountains, ball rooms, baths, dining halls, kitchens, pantries (he has slaves), cellars, bedrooms, servant’s quarters, armories, treasury, libraries, stables, barracks, laundry, etc.? SOME of that can be explained as being in another building, but this is a barren building. It needs more. MUCH more.

3) A similar problem as #2. Where are the windows? I get that Vashkar is a vampire, but if this is the same palace that he had when he was living, then there should be windows overlooking barren gardens and courtyards. If you boarded them up/bricked them over, then you should have mentioned it, and given stats for someone wanting to hack through the obstruction. Also, only 1 door for a building that size? Strange.

The Good:

1) Whatever map program you used, it looks nice.

2) I appreciate that you tried to tackle a complex lair in so few words.

3) The map size was acceptable, relative to the page size (8.5x11).

I hope that you take these comments in a constructive way, and consider them in the next round. Good Luck.

[roguerouge]

This, I agree with. I'm not enthralled about a permanent heal effect in the first place, as it doesn't take long for the high level cleric PC to ask how to set up a positive energy one for his temple.

I agree with Jason that this isn't a palace; it a 135x115 dungeon. The opening description places all the palatial stuff as being elsewhere. Well, what is this building then? There's no pleasure dens or kitchens here. Well, there's one pleasure den. Part of that's word count, but part of it is my not knowing if this is one separate building from the main palace, a guest house, private manse or what.

And it definitely needs boarding up; if nothing else, it gives PCs the ability to scout the exterior rooms a bit and provides escape routes for them.

And, rather than keep dredging this debate up, I direct people to the debate on the vampire rakshasa issue here: 98 Posts of Brouhaha!

[Trevor Gulliver]

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

I'm wondering where you all got the idea that I wasn't an evil nitpicker. ;)

I think we all want to buy Paizo products that have been through the hands of an evil nitpicker ... but seeing it done during the contest is kind of like watching how sausages are made. ;-)

[Ernest Mueller]

Yay! Flavorful, good fights. I'm a little concerned that all the foes are in pretty close quarters and there's no tactics for when they hear a bunch of fighting 20' away, though. And there's not a lot of context to what's going on. Gets one of my votes but just barely.

[Alex Handley]

Grr. Stupid boards...

For the second time, then:

This was a very hard decision, but the palace doesn't quite get my vote this time.

Your flavour is excellent, and your encounters would be enough to (briefly) phase even my PCs. (I, for one, think that the vampiric rakshasa DR does not need twiddling. At this level, DR is about the only thing that's not a speed bump for melee types. I kind of want monsters the PCs can't just slice to bits (spellcasters aside of course).

But, ultimately, the palace just doesn't seem grandiose enough to me. The Palace feels as though it merits nearly a module all to itself (ala Warhammer's Castle Drachenfels or the Temple of Elemental Evil). So, I don't think you could have given it justice in the bounds of the contest. You could have got away with that, I think, of like Eric's Sanctum, you'd have been a bit more adventurous with the map and scope. As it stands, it's architecturaly a bit bland for a grand palace; (mostly) one level and rectangular just doesn't do it enough for me. You've left soem room for expansion, but it all feels to close together. A single-level design would have benefited, perhaps, from a bit more of Roman feel I think.

I really hope you make it to the next round regardless. (And I won't hold it against you for scragging Eric for swioping my vote with your villain!)

[noxumbra]

Randy has got my vote this round and every round so far (holy crap, have I become a super fan?)

What I'm voting for is who I think is the best overall writer and so far that's Randy hands down.

The 2 elements I liked most about this lair were:

1. The creepy slaves. The twisted broken hands (like a Rakasha's backwards hands) was a great touch. these slaves don't really do any work, they exist only to be food and to act as walking healing potions for the vampires.

2. The demons who are munching on a slave while other slaves sat nearby and watch. For some reason I found that very freaky scene (in a good way)

I wish that the villain stat blocks had been posted with this round it would have been easier to see what each contestant was trying for. it was a pain to jump back and forth.

[Joel Flank]

Overall, I like this entry. It does a good job with the limited word count to present a lair for a CR20 villain. However, it doesn't do a great job, and that's mainly because both for the villain and for the lair, you just don't have enough word count to do it justice. That being said, lets get on to the specifics.

I agree that area 1 should have just had the jackals hanging out, waiting to be summoned by a vampire, and specifically called out as not attacking on their own.

There's a good mix of opponents, with the inclusion of the demons and golem, but I'd have preferred a bit more variety than 2 encounters with the vampire rakshasas, followed up by another with Vashkar. I really liked the first encounter with them though, using the slaves as shields. That should make good PCs stop and think before using area of effect spells.

The bowl fits in well with Vashkar's goal of stoping reincarnation, but seeing that several people commented it seemed odd to just be sitter there, it would have been better to have it called out - that this is a sacrifice chamber that Vashkar uses to kill foes to prevent their return from the dead (in particular, rakshasa maharajas).

The well and statue combo is a nice high level danger for this lair, but providing a way for the PCs to know how to turn off the well and the darkness would be a good idea. Maybe a line to indicate that a detect magic effect on the well shows a shadowy trail that makes a beeline for the statue? Finally, once the statue is destroyed, it would have been a good idea to show on the map just where sunlight comes pouring through windows and ruined areas of wall and ceiling. This will become extremely tactically important when fighting the vampires. In addition, stats for the walls would be useful to allow PCs to rip new holes and let the sun hit a vampire that thought it was safe in a shadowy area on it's way to the lower levels. More info on the statue in combat would also be useful. Finally, I thought it seemed strange that the marilith flees if the statue is destroyed. Why? Wouldn't she still stay to help her lover/master? Would she really flee if she's barely injured?

As for Vashkar, I felt like it was a bit of a letdown that he was just chilling and wallowing in melancholy. Where's the active villain as presented in round 3? Also, it's unclear in the lines "In this bleak humor he is oblivious to anything else in the palace save the destruction of the idol. The sight of intruders in this place fills him with seething rage." Which is it? Is he oblivious to ANYTHING save the destruction of the idol? Or does the sight of intruders fill him with a seething rage? I'm guessing both are true, but you've created a mini-paradox here with this description of his actions.

Overall, while this was a good attempt, I don't feel that it is in the top 2. If I had 4 votes, you'd probably get one though, so I hope to see you in the final round.

[Eric Morton]

Another solid lair that I'd use at my own table. This one had some of my favorite visuals of any Round 4 entry, and really felt like something I'd read in a published module. As others have mentioned, it was a bit of a stretch to fit so much in so few words, but I think the lair itself was executed fairly well.

I think the problem with doing so much in so little words arises when we come to the Vashkar, himself. The lair around Vashkar is described quite well. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to actually include Vashkar himself. Sure, he's there, but he doesn't do anything. On the same note, I'm not too happy with the arbitrary death of the cohort.

I would almost have preferred a declaration that Vashkar and his cohort aren't home when the PCs get there. That's an option that gets overlooked frequently, even in published adventures. Why do villains always have to be home, sitting behind their defenses all the time? Don't they ever sneak off for a few months to go on the offensive, or court the favor of demon princes, or earn experience?

Given your limited word count, I think this lair would have benefited from such a twist. Plus, the moment when the PCs realized that they just trashed the lair of something really big and really scary would be a great one. Because they have no idea when Vashkar is going to come home to see the carnage, and no idea when he'll attempt to exact revenge.

Beyond that, I also agree with earlier posts that the map here is just a bit too bland. I understand the desire to have a rectangular building with no weird angles or curves; that's only realistic. But it really could have used something to make it more interesting, if even just a central courtyard or a pool or a balcony.

Overall, it's well written, and shows promise for what you could do with a larger word count. But in such a tight race, I'm holding everyone to the same standards I use to judge published adventures. This lair has a major villain who is present but almost entirely inactive, and has a bland map. Those are both deal-breakers for me when it comes to deciding whether I'll buy a published module.

[Salome]

This, I like.

[Randy Dorman]

Many thanks to everyone who has swung by and posted here. The competition for this round is pretty amazing, and I greatly appreciate people taking the time!

[Charles Evans 25]

Garnfellow wrote:

Many thanks to everyone who has swung by and posted here. The competition for this round is pretty amazing, and I greatly appreciate people taking the time!

Advice for the future: Practice!

Edit:
And good luck.... :)

[Steven Helt]

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

roguerouge wrote:

If you had a problem with DR or the template combo, you should have brought it up last round.

So missing something last round means I'm never allowed to comment on it? :)

I disagree. Part of a freeancer's job is to take what you've been given and make it better. A guaranteed vote from me was waiting for someone to make Sharina (or others) into exciting, believable villains. Not that I thought there was much hope for Sharina. I don't think most could have done better than Neil did and I still wasn't sold (sorry, buddy!).

Not only that, the Big Three Judges of Doom might not have mentioned the DR or the illegal use of the template, but several of us did. If you were designing a villain's lair and didn't think to research the entire thread, you're kind of goofy. After all, some of us spectators offered some good ideas for how to fix an issue, or how to use a villain at home. Pulling off the suggestions of the folks who posted their thoughts is really just grabbing at low-hanging votes, I think. No reason not to score with them and hope other voters are impressed wth your work.

This is not to say that I didn't like this lair. It was alright and it'll get my full review this evening or tomorrow. But I voted for Paper Street and Bailey's treatment of Hecataeus' lair.

[Neil Spicer]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

A guaranteed vote from me was waiting for someone to make Sharina (or others) into exciting, believable villains. Not that I thought there was much hope for Sharina. I don't think most could have done better than Neil did and I still wasn't sold (sorry, buddy!).

That's okay. I won't hold it against you. Sharina, on the other hand... ;-D

--Neil

[roguerouge]

Steven, my whole issue is that there's a huge difference between you and me as individual voters vs. the judges. A contestant is bound to listen to what the judges have to say about their own submission and the villain they chose to adapt. They are their implicit editors. However persuasive you or I might be, we are not the implicit editors of the Superstar. It's to much for a judge to expect the Superstar to make a leap of faith and to ignore the judges and listen to you or to me when it came to Vashkar. The fact that one judge found you persuasive and another found a more permissive stance persuasive is evidence for that stance, to my mind. You and I play to the crowd, but the Superstar has to listen to other voices. You might disagree with that sentiment, but that's the stance I've tried to express this round with this applicant.

[Charles Evans 25]

Commiserations.