RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
,
Star Voter Season 6
|
I will also ask for feedback for my item:
Marble of Seeing (Around Corners):
Aura faint divination; CL 5th;
Slot -; Price 375 gp; Weight -this items so much reminds me of amore technological item used bythe main character in Doomsday...
nice item... it makes me thing in something an NPC needs
I was thinking of those cameras special forces chuck into a room. I like it. something I'd not have thought of, but useful.
|
I was thinking of those cameras special forces chuck into a room. I like it. something I'd not have thought of, but useful.
the lady in the movie has a mechanical eye that she can move... she lacks an eye so she either haveit on the eyesocket or using it record conversations or to scout ahead :P
pretty handy
DISTORTION HARNESS
Hey Jesse, I like this a lot - definitely a cool rogue item. The last line threw me a bit. It seems like if you're already dimensional folding your body, why not your head? I do like the idea of the guards saying, "I'm not going to look in there, there's no way he could fit in there."
|
Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8
|
DISTORTION HARNESS
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot chest; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This strange vest is decorated with an elaborate geometric pattern, whose impossible twists hurt ones eyes if examined closely. It activates when its wearer attempts to squeeze into a narrow space. The patterns of the garment twist and jerk the wearer’s body into extradimensional folds, compacting them to fit the space. Movement into a narrow space that is at least half as wide as the wearer’s normal space is as normal. Moving into a space less than half the wearer’s width has the normal effects of squeezing, each move is counted as two squares with an attendant -4 to attack rolls and AC. The wearer can squeeze into even smaller spaces, but must use the Escape Artist skill (DC 30) which takes at least one minute (possibly longer and requiring additional checks), during which time the wearer cannot attack, takes a -4 penalty to AC, and loses any Dexterity bonus to AC. This does not allow the wearer to squeeze through spaces their head does not fit through.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, reduce person; blink Cost 4,000 gp
What I didn't like was sadly in the 1st sentence, the description of 'whose' used in reference to the item. Whose is possessive of who, so seems out of place describing a thing. It was also hammered home by the very next line where you call it an 'it'. It stuck out to me as something to fix.
You used "movement into", "moving into" and "squeeze" enough to get me to notice it was so frequently in the description. There has to be a more colorful way to describe the act of moving or squeezing that does not become so repetitive.
Comments on the item only, not the writer. Feel free to rip my item I posted earlier (under an alias Gunny Highway) Cloak of the Winter Walker.
WW.
Poor Clark! Just back checked he's on Page 2 on reviewing!
Clark - I would appreciate your feedback too. After reading the bad items thread I think I know what I did wrong on a few levels, but I'd like to see what you thought. I've got a thick skin too.
Minor Cloak of the Deep Ones
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot shoulders; Price 5,400 gp; Weight 1lb.
Description:
This green and black cloak is embroidered with patterns resembling ocean waves. On command, magical tentacles spring from the cloak creating a spell effect like the entangle spell. The spell area is centered on the cloak’s wearer and is useable once per day. The cloak’s wearer is unaffected by the grasping tentacles and their entangling effect.
Requirements; Craft Wondrous Item, Entangle; Cost 2,700 gp
Oh how I wanted to like this item!!! The name got me all tingly with evil Cthulhu-y goodness!!!!
But then I read it. :(
Here is what I wrote:
"I LOVED the name and was excited to read it. I was ready for some Cthulhu goodness!!! Then it became just an entangle in a can. Bummer. Frankly, black tentacles would have been cooler :) Reject"
It was widely agreed that the name was the best part. Now, lets not undervalue that. A great name is a good place to start. So clearly you have the creativity to get off to a good start. Next year, deliver on a rad name like that and you might just be in!
This reminded my of my Kraken Crown entry from 2008:
The Kraken Crown appears to be a headband of metallic blue tentacles braided around the wearer's head. The tips of the tentacles bend upward, forming eight points of the crown.
The Kraken Crown has three powers. First, the Kraken Crown can stretch out one of its tentacles up to 20 feet long, allowing the wearer to make melee touch attacks, including touch spell effects, up to 20 feet away. This ability is activiated as a free action, lasts for 1 round, and can be used up to 5 times per day.
The second power of the Kraken Crown allows the wearer to use Black Tentacles twice per day. Activating this ability is a standard action.
The third power of the Kraken Crown allows the wearer to Dimension Door up to 800 feet away, leaving behind a region of inky darkness centered at his point of origin. The region of inky darkness is 40 feet in radius and provides total concealment to all within it. It persists for 10 rounds. Activating this ability is a swift action. It is usable once per day.
Moderate conjuration; CL 10th; Craft Wonderous Item, Reach Spell, deeper darkness, dimension door, black tentacles. 32,000 gps.
|
Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8
|
Please give feedback, thanks:
BLANKSCROLL
Aura moderate divination; CL 9th
Slot --; Price 2,750 gp; Weight --DESCRIPTION
A blankscroll looks like a regular sheet of fine vellum with nothing written on it. In fact, any attempt to write on it simply fails as if the surface were not writable. Once per year, however, a question can be asked to the scroll and magical writings will appear on it providing the answer.
A blankscroll will answer any question in the most accurate way possible using a maximum of five words in the same language used by the character asking the question (or Common if the language does not have a written form). This means a question requiring a long answer might only be partially answered.
The answer will remain visible on the blankscroll throughout a whole year, after which the writings will disappear and a new question can be asked.CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, commune, comprehend languages; Cost 1,625 gp
Interesting, but personally I would of liked to know more how it works.
Is it infallible? Will/can it skew information to those of the opposite alignment?
A year in between use? This item would get exactly 1 use in my current game then forgotten, unless there was a major plot event that we happen to advance time.
Clark - thanks. Also, no need to hold anything back. I can handle it. :)
Flourishing Rose Petals
Aura faint universal; CL 3rd
Slot –; Price 3,200 gp; Weight ½ lb.
DESCRIPTION
Legends speak of a sorceress so vain she decided the ground itself was not deserving of her feet - so she created magic rose petals that would flitter on the ground before her, ensuring she always stepped on them. Such petals often come in a scented silk bag containing a couple of fistfuls of rose petals. The magic takes effect after the petals have been scattered on the ground. As the owner walks, the petals flitter into the air and land in front of the owner to be stepped on again. The petals try to land in the direction the owner is facing. Complex maneuvers confuse the petals, but they catch up over time – but they only move 30’ a round. A command word forces all the petals back into the pouch. When motionless, they scatter in a 10’ radius around the owner. The petals do not function in water, or during flight.
Flourishing rose petals provide a +2 circumstance bonus to Diplomacy and Intimidate checks.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, prestidigitation; Cost 1,600 gp
At Ragwaine's request (and in mock "retaliation" for his panning of the last leaves of the autumn dryad), I'm compelled to give a review of his death mask. I'll take the entry in more of a stream-of-consciousness examination so you can understand my reactions and comments as I go:
DEATH MASK
Simple, effective name. Others might think it wasn't inspiring enough. But it immediately conjures up some good imagery for me. Makes me start wondering what kind of necromantic or illusion effect it probably produces.
Aura faint necromancy and abjuration; CL 3rd
Hmmm...okay, definitely going to be a necromantic item. You've now got me wondering how the abjuration will factor in...maybe some kind of protection from undead or warding against death effects?
The caster level gives me a little pause. With a requirement of only 3rd level, that indicates this is going to be a low-cost item and something that could be manufactured very early in a PC's career.
Slot head; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Everything seems reasonable so far. I'll note the 16,000 gp cost of the item and then look to see if it's justified or over/under-valued once I get a complete reading of what it does.
DESCRIPTION
When this specially prepared veil of flesh is laid over the face of the victim of a traumatic death it shapes itself to the features of the deceased and holds that shape permanently. When held near the face of a living person the death mask clings to the wearer bestowing its dark powers.
Initial reaction: Wow! Great flavor. I'm digging the visual and imagining the circumstances under which someone would layer this veil of flesh over someone they just killed. It's a great lead in to describe your effects. And you've got my expectations up.
Some questions, though. What happens if you layer it over a long-dead corpse...i.e., one whose face has long since rotted away? Do you get a corpse visage? Or does it magically show you what the person looked like in life before its traumatic death? Because either of those could be cool. But, as a player, I'd want to know and/or try it out.
Secondly, what happens if you layer it over an undead creature who suffered an all-new traumatic death in a beat down by the PCs? Can the owner of this mask get himself a vampire's face or a ghoul's face as well? If so, it could make for an interesting infiltration device into an undead lair.
Anyone wearing the mask may command undead at will, as the spell. If a new target is selected the initial target will immediately be released from control.
Hmmm...okay, I'm a little underwhelmed initially. That's a fairly basic spell-in-a-can effect...even though you're granting it as an at-will ability. You've got a decent mechanic built in there so that it "releases" the initial target if you try and command another undead.
As a side note, the designer in me immediately goes to check the command undead spell effects and although it allows Charisma checks to influence intelligent undead, I think you might have been better served to say the death mask could only use command undead on non-intelligent undead creatures like skeletons and zombies. I like looking for ways to take a spell with multiple effects and split off just a small piece of it to replicate with a magic item. That way, it's not entirely a spell-in-a-can and you can then look for some other unrelated or slightly related spell effect to also layer in to produce something unique.
The wearer may also, cause fear, as the spell, up to 3 times per day.
Hmmmm...definitely a "spell-in-a-can" now. And you're starting move into the dangerous "swiss-army knife" stereotype. Sometimes that's okay if the effects share a good theme. But you don't just want to layer in every low-level necromantic effect on every spell list for your item, either. Not that I'm suggesting that's what you did here. I'm just sharing whatever design points spring to mind.
At any time, the wearer may choose to assume the guise of an undead. This will cause unintelligent undead to ignore the wearer and intelligent undead to have a starting attitude of friendly toward the wearer. Non-undead are unaffected by this power.
Given that this item allows you to command undead (one at a time, I know) at-will...does this part really matter as much? The command undead effect gives you a chance to improve the starting attitude of intelligent undead to be friendly toward the wearer. And yet, now we have a power that functions all the time and creates that effect anyway. So, you've overlapped a bit, I think.
The part that I do like, however, is that the wearer can take on the guise of an undead. Personally, I'd probably try to water it down so that he can only take on the appearance of a skeleton or a zombie...i.e., what a low-level animate dead spell could have done with the corpse from which the mask acquired its new visage. I might even go a little further and allow the wearer of the mask to gain a few other undead traits. Nothing as powerful as immunity to critical hits or energy drain, of course. But maybe say the mask grants immunity to mind-affecting effects the same as any other undead? Or perhaps you could say the wearer of the mask suddenly becomes vulnerable to positive energy damage but heals from negative energy instead? Something like that would give it a nice twist, I think.
Each of these powers requires a standard action and provokes an attack of opportunity. Each time a power is used there is a 1% chance that it will become permanently attached.
Okay. The chance of it becoming permanently attached is fairly nice. I might have gone one step further and said the mask molded into the user's face and permanently gave him the visage of the dead corpse from what it borrowed its face. That way, this device becomes even more useful as an instant disguise if you want to impersonate a specific individual. In some ways, I guess that applies to your item anyway...but I think you could have highlighted that a bit more instead of dwelling on all the necromantic effects.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Command Undead, Cause Fear, Disguise Self; Cost 8,000 gp
Minor design notes: You should always lowercase and italicize spell names. There are plenty examples throughout the magic items appearing in Pathfinder products and the SRD you could have referenced. For them to come in capitalized and non-italicized is an indication that maybe you're not as familiar with how magic items usually appear. I'm not trying to knock you for that...just letting you know that you can come across more polished and professional if you produce stuff that looks like it's instantly publishable because it's already in the correct format.
Other notes outside of the item description:
Several other ideas sprang to mind as I read about your item. It immediately inspired me to start developing a connection between the body whose face it copies and the effects it can generate thereafter.
For instance, the stereotypical mask item usually gives you a new set of eyes...or a new voice...or a new face. As such, I think it would've been cool to give the mask an at-will detect undead ability for as long as the face of the recently deceased person stays on the mask.
Then, I would have liked to see a mechanic whereby the "face" eventually fades (as long as it doesn't go permanent) and you have to then place it on another corpse to acquire a new one. This sets up lots of creepiness from a story perspective, too. What heinous individual is going around murdering people so he can keep acquiring a new face...and thereby power up the death mask's other necromantic abilities? You could build an entire adventure or villain around that kind of item.
In addition, I really like the idea that once the mask has a dead person's face on it, undead leave the wearer alone...because they view him as one of them. So either layer on an invisibility to undead effect...or simply make it so that a modified disguise self causes undead (intelligent or otherwise) to perceive him as undead, too. That would make it a great item for fooling vampires into thinking you're not another potential meal. It would help you bypass wards meant to keep out living creatures. And so on.
Now, that's a lot of feedback. I hope you take it as constructive criticism and not simply me trying to one-up your item's original design. I just wanted to explain some of the other directions I imagined it could have gone that might have made it more interesting and evocative to the judges. I hope that helps.
In Summary: Workable name. Cool evocative flavor in the initial setup. Too reliant on straight-up spell-in-a-can effects to describe the powers it conveys. Lots of potential. Gave me all kinds of ideas for tweaks and adjustments I'd make to it for my own campaign.
My two-cents,
--Neil
As you can no doubt see, our judging really consisted of rolling a d20. The target DC was 18. The item got a +1 stackable coolness circumstance bonus to the roll for each judge who thought the item was cool. If any judges thought the item blew, then it got a stackable -1 lameness modifier to the roll. Then we used an auto die roll feature built into the judges chambers forums. As you can see, if three judges didnt like an item, it couldnt win (we did not use the optional rule of a 20 being an auto-success). If it hit 18 or more the item was moved into the Keep folder. Then we sorted the top 32 from those kept items by rock-scissors-paper (another auto generated feature Vic and Gary designed in the forums; Sean wanted to have opposed checks against the opposing item's initial roll result, but that took too much work) in a seeded tournament style bracket, but since we had an odd number, we had a first round play in game. Any ties, and the final match up between the final two items, were resolved by a simple coin flip--the alphabetically lower item (not countin "the") was designated as heads and the other item tails. This whole story of reviewing and feedback and golden tickets is all just a scam.
As you can no doubt see, our judging really consisted of rolling a d20. The target DC was 18. The item got a +1 stackable coolness circumstance bonus to the roll for each judge who thought the item was cool. Then we used an auto die roll feature built into the judges chambers forums. If it hit 18 or more, it got kept. Then we sorted the top 32 from those kept items by rock-scissors-paper in a seeded tournament style bracket, but since we had an odd number, we had a first round play in game. Any ties, and the final match up between the final two items, were resolved by a coin flip. This whole story of reviewing and feedback and golden tickets is all just a scam.
I knew it! lol It all makes sense now!
I have come to the conclusion that Clark is actually some sort of RPG superhero. And that we are just seeing his alterego at work here. I mean Clark Kent....Clark Peterson....Peter Parker. I wouldn't put it past an RPG superhero to make this veiled references in the creation of his alter ego.
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka FaxCelestis
|
As you can no doubt see, our judging really consisted of rolling a d20. The target DC was 18. The item got a +1 stackable coolness circumstance bonus to the roll for each judge who thought the item was cool. If any judges thought the item blew, then it got a stackable -1 lameness modifier to the roll. Then we used an auto die roll feature built into the judges chambers forums. As you can see, if three judges didnt like an item, it couldnt win (we did not use the optional rule of a 20 being an auto-success). If it hit 18 or more the item was moved into the Keep folder. Then we sorted the top 32 from those kept items by rock-scissors-paper (another auto generated feature Vic and Gary designed in the forums; Sean wanted to have opposed checks against the opposing item's initial roll result, but that took too much work) in a seeded tournament style bracket, but since we had an odd number, we had a first round play in game. Any ties, and the final match up between the final two items, were resolved by a simple coin flip--the alphabetically lower item (not countin "the") was designated as heads and the other item tails. This whole story of reviewing and feedback and golden tickets is all just a scam.
You, um...I think you just invented a new White Wolf system. "Superstar: The Weedening". It could make MILLIONS.
This whole story of reviewing and feedback and golden tickets is all just a scam.
So...what you're saying is I'm blessed by Desna's luck?
...
Cool.
I could use a little more of that come to think of it...
;-D
--Neil
In that case I'm cancelling my check for 2010, 2011, and 2013 and going with plan B.
I'm sending you a bag of Ensorcelled Dice.
Crap! I capitalized Ensorcelled.
|
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
|
As you can no doubt see, our judging really consisted of rolling a d20. The target DC was 18. The item got a +1 stackable coolness circumstance bonus to the roll for each judge who thought the item was cool. If any judges thought the item blew, then it got a stackable -1 lameness modifier to the roll. Then we used an auto die roll feature built into the judges chambers forums. As you can see, if three judges didnt like an item, it couldnt win (we did not use the optional rule of a 20 being an auto-success). If it hit 18 or more the item was moved into the Keep folder. Then we sorted the top 32 from those kept items by rock-scissors-paper (another auto generated feature Vic and Gary designed in the forums; Sean wanted to have opposed checks against the opposing item's initial roll result, but that took too much work) in a seeded tournament style bracket, but since we had an odd number, we had a first round play in game. Any ties, and the final match up between the final two items, were resolved by a simple coin flip--the alphabetically lower item (not countin "the") was designated as heads and the other item tails. This whole story of reviewing and feedback and golden tickets is all just a scam.
This explains why Gary's always too busy for the items on his to do list!
|
|
Okay, said I was going to and got caught up with a lot of other stuff. Thanks in advance, Clark!
(I'm figuring that SIAC, spell capitalization and points off because I cut off my Cost when I cut/pasted it killed this one. (And yes, I actually cut off the cost BOTH times. (facepalm) But I'm curious if you agree or had other reasons besides.)
Medusa’s Charm
Aura: Moderate Abjuration; CL: 10th
Slot: Hand; Price: 14,500 gp Weight: 1 lb.
Description
The braids of this thick bronze bracelet are designed to look like interwoven snakes-- each captured in writhing fury, as though poising to strike. Following their contours draws the eye to the bracelet’s centerpiece: a small, stylistically-carved relief of a medusa’s face, with its deep-set eyes closed in repose. The bracelet is cool to the touch and appears to exude a greenish luster in torchlight.
Upon donning the bracelet, the wearer receives a +1 resistance to all Fortitude Saves.
If the wearer twists the medusa’s face on the bracelet’s face so that it is inverted, the eyelids will open, revealing a pair of tiny gleaming rubies. While the eyes are open like this, the wearer is granted the ability to cast the following:
- Neutralize Poison, twice per day
- Break Enchantment, once per day
The medusa’s face will remain inverted and the eyes will remain open until one of its spells is expended or one full minute passes; after which it will automatically rotate itself back, closing its eyes.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Break Enchantment, Neutralize Poison, Resistance. (Cost, cut off: 14,500 gp)
Again, I really appreciate it!
As you can no doubt see, our judging really consisted of rolling a d20. The target DC was 18. The item got a +1 stackable coolness circumstance bonus to the roll for each judge who thought the item was cool. If any judges thought the item blew, then it got a stackable -1 lameness modifier to the roll. Then we used an auto die roll feature built into the judges chambers forums. As you can see, if three judges didnt like an item, it couldnt win (we did not use the optional rule of a 20 being an auto-success). If it hit 18 or more the item was moved into the Keep folder. Then we sorted the top 32 from those kept items by rock-scissors-paper (another auto generated feature Vic and Gary designed in the forums; Sean wanted to have opposed checks against the opposing item's initial roll result, but that took too much work) in a seeded tournament style bracket, but since we had an odd number, we had a first round play in game. Any ties, and the final match up between the final two items, were resolved by a simple coin flip--the alphabetically lower item (not countin "the") was designated as heads and the other item tails. This whole story of reviewing and feedback and golden tickets is all just a scam.
Really? Damn, it is too late to use an action point?
Damn! Message boards ate my message and logged me right off.
Summarize: Wow! Great review. I owe you.
Creation of the Mask: Masks disguise and scare people. The control undead was more connected with my villian (should have stayed focused!). The making you appear as an undead to other undead idea was the key. I kept picturing someone wearing the mask (with the inside the mask camera view and heavy breating) creeping through a horde of undead getting jostled as he works his way to the treasure.
If I would have dropped the control undead I would have had more room to say how the mask looked and if it changed etc...
The spells in caps I didn't realize until you said it. I did it right in the body but got tripped up after caping the Feat.
Good Luck
Clark, can you please give me feedback?
It was fun joining this year; hope I make it next year!-------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloves of the Elements
Aura Moderate Evocation; CL 9
Slot Hands; Price 90,990 gp; Weight 0 lb.DESCRIPTION
The Gloves of the Elements are made out of the scales of four different types of dragons: green, blue, red and black. The scales of the fur-lined gloves overlap each other. Once snugly worn, the user may produce one of these four actions by raising their hands in front of them: Air Walk (Air), Stoneskin (Earth), Ice Storm (Water), and Wall of Fire (Fire). The user must be wearing both gloves at the casting time. The user may only use each spell once a day.Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Air Walk, Stoneskin, Ice Storm and Wall of Fire; Cost 52,560 gp
I'll let Clark give you actual feedback, but I'll tell you this—as soon as I learned that an 8-year-old entered the contest, I took a peek at what the judges had said. While there were a couple of items that made the judges wonder if they had been designed by a kid, this was not one of them. I give you a *lot* of credit for having entered this, and I hope you do try again next year!
WHAT!!??!!??
VIC I CALL FOR AN IMMEDIATE SPECIAL FORUM TAG FOR THIS KID AS AN HONORARY SUPERSTAR!!! (Of course I have no power to do that, but it sounded fun)
Holy cow.
8 years old.
Kid, you are a stud.
I agree. I really like this item. It's like a staff for your hands.
Yes, it was submitted. It was rejected, but with much gnashing of teeth. Here is what I wrote:
The one minute kills this for me (MoP is a one round effect and you give it one minute, that is alot!). Plus, I think the combat focus is a bit overdone.
Yeeeah... I kinda figured it might've been the power level that did it. I just thought that if someone was gonna use an item that didn't reliably work all the time, that the payoff had better be worth it. :)
At least teeth were gnashed. My work here is done. KD
|
Dedicated Voter Season 9
|
If you would be so kind Clark
Choker of the Midnight Lord
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot throat; Price 112,000 gp
Description
Zon-Kuthon first created this item for his most devote worshippers, hence only high priests are only found with these. This simple black leather strip has dried blood all over it, and it has no visible way to be fastened. When someone wraps the leather around his own neck, it tightens slightly and a small metal needle punctures the wearer’s throat, inducing minor pain (1 hit point per hour) and holding the choker in place. Once worn for twenty-four hours and the wearer not magically healed from the damage he has taken, the wearer is under the effect of a continuous armor of darkness spell; granting him a +3 deflection bonus to AC, darkvision to 60 feet, +4 turn resistance, and a +2 to saving throws versus good, holy, and light spell effects. For the wearer to continue to receive the effects of this item, he must take the damage that can be healed magically. Creatures with damage reduction may not gain any benefit, as the needle cannot penetrate the damage reduction.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, armor of darkness, Spellcraft; Cost 56,000 gp
It is spell-in-a-can, but at least 4 of the Top 32 were spell-in-a-can as well.
Please no comments other than Clark's...thanks!
|
Dedicated Voter Season 9
|
If you would be so kind Clark
Choker of the Midnight Lord
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot throat; Price 112,000 gpDescription
Zon-Kuthon first created this item for his most devote worshippers, hence only high priests are only found with these. This simple black leather strip has dried blood all over it, and it has no visible way to be fastened. When someone wraps the leather around his own neck, it tightens slightly and a small metal needle punctures the wearer’s throat, inducing minor pain (1 hit point per hour) and holding the choker in place. Once worn for twenty-four hours and the wearer not magically healed from the damage he has taken, the wearer is under the effect of a continuous armor of darkness spell; granting him a +3 deflection bonus to AC, darkvision to 60 feet, +4 turn resistance, and a +2 to saving throws versus good, holy, and light spell effects. For the wearer to continue to receive the effects of this item, he must take the damage that can be healed magically. Creatures with damage reduction may not gain any benefit, as the needle cannot penetrate the damage reduction.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, armor of darkness, Spellcraft; Cost 56,000 gp
It is spell-in-a-can, but at least 4 of the Top 32 were spell-in-a-can as well.
Please no comments other than Clark's...thanks!
I may not be the one to tell you this, but... my guess is proofreading. I have nothing but sympathy for you here, but: devoted, only ... only, "all over it" all look a lot like you typed this out in the submission window.
I really understand where you are coming from, my "raw" texts look just like that. However, when I put myself into an editors shoes who has to meet a lot of deadlines, I really understand why that kind of "draft status" is a big fat no-no, completely irrespective of the quality of the "actual work".
<sigh> "Please no comments other than Clark's...thanks!" Guess that was a little too hard to understand...
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
tbh - I don't get asking for only Clark's opinion. Clark's an officail judge and great guy. He's easy on our feelings and tough on our designs and all. But he's also really busy. Also, there are a lot of brains around here that can give great feedback.
There's also this: in gearing for a run at Clark's slush pile, or RPGS '10, the fans have a huge say. In RPGS, they have a bigger say than Clark, because we vote after round one. I'd think anyone still competing or intending to submit elsewhere would want a lot of feedback from fans, would-be designers, and accomplished designers.
If anyone want to assail the spellshare bracelets, your comments are welcome. Anything that helps me approach my design "career" from different angles is invited, in order to regain some momentum. : }
No worries...not that I cant handle critics, but really wanted to hear from an official source from the contest....I'm sorry. I really am and deleted my comment.
I misread that line.
I fully believe that Clark, in time, will get to your submission. But if you were top 32 I probably think you would get the same criticism as Stefan gave you.
Name of the thread?
Clark has an easygoing way about him (judging from his posts) and people feel comfortable asking for his advice.
If anyone want to assail the spellshare bracelets, your comments are welcome. Anything that helps me approach my design "career" from different angles is invited, in order to regain some momentum. : }
Steven, still not satisfied with that Contributor tag eh? :>
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot hands or feet; Price 13,500 gp; Weight -
These magical charms are worn on either the ankle or wrist. The bracelets automatically attune to other spellshare bracelets when left in contact overnight.
Once per day as a free action, the bracelet enables its owner to avail himself of a spell cast on a wearer of another, attuned spellshare bracelet within 30 feet. The spell's original target still receives the full effect of the shared spell. Only spells of third level or lower can be shared in this way.
No more than three bracelets can be attuned to one another at the same time. Casters are unable to deny the wearer of an attuned bracelet access to the shared spell.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, imbue with spell ability, DC 12 Craft (jewelry) check; [b]Cost 6,750 gp
I don't think the multiple slots killed you. More likely this really messes with the dificulty of any single encounter. A single cure serious wounds heals the entire party. There is probably nothing wrong with the basic premise but I feel that maybe you just cannot give out equal shares of the magic. A limiting factor of some sort: a division mechanism is in order.
|
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka FaxCelestis
|
I left something of a breakdown on my Third Eye of the Bard. Am I right, or is there something else I'm missing?
I don't think the multiple slots killed you. More likely this really messes with the dificulty of any single encounter. A single cure serious wounds heals the entire party. There is probably nothing wrong with the basic premise but I feel that maybe you just cannot give out equal shares of the magic. A limiting factor of some sort: a division mechanism is in order.
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot hands or feet; Price 13,500 gp; Weight -
These magical charms are worn on either the ankle or wrist. The bracelets automatically attune to other spellshare bracelets when left in contact overnight.
Once per day as a free action, the bracelet enables its owner to avail himself of a spell cast on a wearer of another, attuned spellshare bracelet within 30 feet. The spell's original target still receives the full effect of the shared spell. Only spells of third level or lower can be shared in this way.
No more than three bracelets can be attuned to one another at the same time. Casters are unable to deny the wearer of an attuned bracelet access to the shared spell.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, imbue with spell ability, DC 12 Craft (jewelry) check; [b]Cost 6,750 gp
I really like these.
However, I think that even the limitation of 3rd level or lower spells is a bit much.
I guess it's subjective, but I'm fine with a cure serious wounds healing up 4 people at once...or an invisibility purge, protection from energy, magic circle vs evil, etc., etc.
Seems that I don't find defensive spells to be a big deal, but then what about greater magic weapon or magic vestment...
I don't know. I guess the issue is more with the variety of spells that can be used this way more than anything.
Still, I really like them and plan to use them in some way...I just want to find a way.
Seems that I don't find defensive spells to be a big deal, but then what about greater magic weapon or magic vestment...
well that is easy to solve... neither greater magic weapon nor magic vestment targets a creature, the spells target objects... objects do not wear bracelets, ergo the bracelets would have no effects on those spells.
I would probably add a limitation against sharing personal spells (no true striking the entire group for instance), but other then that I like them.
I have the feeling my propensity of role-play opportunity over utility doomed me. Maybe the clockwork raccoon would have done better.. Anyhow, one more for the pile.
Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog
Aura moderate divination; CL 8th
Slot —; Price 42,000 gp; Weight 11lb
Description
This crystal sphere is 8 inches in diameter and appears to have a hairless humanoid creature trapped within. The creature is diminutive, eyeless and has vestigial wings on its back that vaguely look like featherless chicken wings. The creature appears to be alive and will shift and contort inside the orb, occasionally making odd gestures with its infant-like limbs. If the orb is separated from its owner or is discarded, it will attempt to follow its owner by rolling on the floor. The orb is surprisingly tenacious when following its owner, albeit slow-moving at 5 feet per round.
Any creature looking directly at the Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog will have its thoughts broadcast to the owner (Will DC 19 negates), as spell detect thoughts. This effect can occur more than once at the same time. If the orb's owner is unusually cruel or mistreats the Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog, the owner's thoughts are broadcast to everyone with in 60 feet at inopportune times (Will DC19 negates).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect thoughts;
Cost 21,000 gp
|
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
Thanks for the feedback, guys. I hadn't thought of the bracelets as broken, but by your reactions, I suppose the judges might have thought that way. I had hoped limiting the spell to 3rd level and limiting each bracelet to 1/day was sufficient control, and the variety of spells that could be used (and the fact that the wearer decides, not the caster) made it a versatile item. If you can drop the gold on one, your party likely isn't cakewalking through adventures because you borrowed the fighter's [cure serious wounds[/i].
Admittedly, I did not go through every spell to determine if it stayed fair. Maybe true strike is the kicker, but I thought about that one. I just figured one guy with an extra true strike sounded fun, and whole parties wouldn't fill their slots wth the same item.
When Clark catches up to me, I guess we'll see if this is why, or if there's another reason. Until then, good luck to the victors, and know you have to work hard to get my vote!
No - I am not just satisfied with a contributor tag. I got a lot of game in me and four kids, so I need to supplement the day job. I really want to earn a base so I can pitch a couple of novel ideas, and leave the design to...
No. I want to design, too. Got a setting planned, and maybe a web site coming soon. We'll see if I can get that off the ground.
|
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog
This has been asked of me by my players, so I ask it now as a compliment:
How do you sleep at night?
You always have creepy going for you, man. This. Flesh-stripping. You won Logue's treasure design contest, so even though I haven't seen that yet, I know it will be weird.
This is totally an item I'd give an evil overlord, and describe the tortured soul within as it makes contact with the PCs' minds and they are flooded with fear and sadness.
But I wouldn't stat it or anything like that. I'd just use it to give my bad guy personality. Your imagination outstrips your mechanics here.
And you might be a little scary!
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012
,
Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
I have the feeling my propensity of role-play opportunity over utility doomed me. Maybe the clockwork raccoon would have done better.. Anyhow, one more for the pile.
Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog
Aura moderate divination; CL 8th
Slot —; Price 42,000 gp; Weight 11lb
Description
This crystal sphere is 8 inches in diameter and appears to have a hairless humanoid creature trapped within. The creature is diminutive, eyeless and has vestigial wings on its back that vaguely look like featherless chicken wings. The creature appears to be alive and will shift and contort inside the orb, occasionally making odd gestures with its infant-like limbs. If the orb is separated from its owner or is discarded, it will attempt to follow its owner by rolling on the floor. The orb is surprisingly tenacious when following its owner, albeit slow-moving at 5 feet per round.
Any creature looking directly at the Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog will have its thoughts broadcast to the owner (Will DC 19 negates), as spell detect thoughts. This effect can occur more than once at the same time. If the orb's owner is unusually cruel or mistreats the Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog, the owner's thoughts are broadcast to everyone with in 60 feet at inopportune times (Will DC19 negates).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect thoughts;
Cost 21,000 gp
I would have loved the clockwork raccoon!
Clark, you are a madman for volunteering (two years running!) to drink from the firehose in this thread, and we love you for it. Ten thousand thank yous.
I'm not at all adverse to feedback from those of you who aren't Clark, so have at it. If I missed an abusable loophole, please let me know.
Here's my submission. Self-editing notes follow...
Bailey’s Bracers
Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 16th
Slot hands; Price 14,000gp; Weight 1 lb.These rare leather wristbands were originally created by the legendary bard Bailey and sold when his partner Barnum banned all magic from their show.
Bailey’s Bracers grant a +1 competence bonus to all ranged attack rolls.
The bracers have 3 charges which renew at sunrise. Uses of bardic performance can be used in place of or in addition to the charges stored in the bracers. As a swift action the wearer can expend up to 3 charges causing a ranged attack (including spells up to 3rd level which require a ranged attack roll) to ricochet wildly and hit a target within 60’ from an unexpected direction. The ricochet attack negates all cover penalties (including full cover if there is a way around it) and does an additional 1d6 sneak attack damage per charge expended, which does not stack with the class ability. The bracers do not negate concealment, so any miss chance from concealment still applies.
Both bracers must be worn for the magic to be effective.
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, creator must have sneak attack and bardic performance class abilities, animate objects; Cost 7,000gp
Notes:
1) You made the "bizarre" comment about real-world names in the "what we're seeing this year" thread. Yes, it was intentional. I did it as a wink to the real-world references sprinkled thoughout early AD&D supplements and the Giants In The Earth column in Dragon waaay back around issue #59 (the first Dragon I bought). Names carry meaning, and I used it as a shortcut to portray a famous showman. I debated leaving Barnum out of it to see if anyone would pick up on Bailey's name...2) I realized after submitting that calling it "sneak attack damage" broke too many rules, especially requiring flat-footedness and that concealment prevents sneak attacks. I should have just called it "surprise damage" and been done with it. I was too focused on researching bardic performance that I glossed over rereading the sneak attack rules. Shame on me.
3) Adding some text about taking a standard action to use bardic performance in place of charges would have fit better. Think magic act patter when making something cool happen. I think the words saved from staying clear of sneak attack would have been enough.
4) Price was completely eyeballed. They're on par with a set of +4 Bracers of Armor, which seemed about right to me given the 3-charge limitation and the bonus uses for bards. Yes, they're Bracers of Archery with a 5th level rogue-in-a-can once a day plus an extra boost, but I kept having visions of an acid arrow ricocheting around a throne room and I just had to put it on paper. I'd love some feedback on pricing this thing.
5) I have a soft spot for bards. Sue me. Yes, the creator needs to be a Bard 16/Rogue 1 with the Create Wondrous Item feat - not likely, but workable.
It's probably just as well I didn't make the cut - work tried to kill me this week so I wouldn't have had the time to get a villain concept in. In fact this is the first chance I've had to hit the boards since briefly looking at the top 32 on Tuesday. Kudos to the winners - there's some cool stuff in that batch.
Next year for sure. *grin*
Thanks in advance, everyone!
I may as well add myself to the clamoring throng, even though I have a pretty good idea of why I didn't advance.
Elixir of Soothing Slumber
Aura Faint abjuration; CL 3rd
Slot—; Price 200 gp; Weight—
Description
This liquid is always warm and smells faintly of chamomile and lavender. The elixir of soothing slumber has three effects. First, any character that drinks an elixir of soothing slumber heals hit point and ability point damage at double the natural rate when resting. This acts as a successful Heal check to provide long term care; additional skill checks to provide long term care have no effect. Second, any Heal check made on the character to heal lethal wounds or treat poison or disease gains a +5 competence bonus. Lastly, the character is protected from any harmful effect that specifically targets sleeping creatures, such as a night hag’s dream haunting ability or the nightmare spell. These effects last for 24 hours. Elixirs of soothing slumber are common in poor rural communities as they are more affordable than potions of remove disease or lesser restoration.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Heal or Spellcraft DC 8, creator must have 5 ranks in Heal, protection from evil; Cost 100 gp
NIGHT GUARD
Aura faint abjuration and good; CL 5th
Slot –; Weight 1 lb.; Price 3,500 gp or 10,500 gp, see belowDESCRIPTION
This small, silver face of the goddess of the night hangs on a braided silver cord. Silver hair, threaded with glass-like beads, culminates in minute, silver bells. Once attuned to its current owner, the beads change to the color of his birthstone.Designed to protect children from night horrors, it guards its owner when hung from a bedpost or a 2' pole at the head of a sleeping pallet, as protection from evil. As an evil creature prepares to attack, a silent alarm “pings” in the sleeper’s head, waking him and negating being flat-footed for that round. The protection lasts for one “sleep” of eight hours, and may only be used once per day (24-hour period).
Adventurers have created an Improved version of the night guard, covering a ten-foot radius from the hanging post, as magic circle against evil. All within the area of protection will hear the silent alarm before an attack.
Anyone else want to give me ideas on this? I now know it's a "camping" item and that's something disliked, but if you go beyond that ... whatcha think? Thanks for any constructive criticism :)
[[Clark, when you reach here again, you already gave me input, so don't feel any need to take a second bash ... unless you wish to ::laughing::]]
I guess we might be a gluttons for punishment. Whats the word on our entry...
Apocrypha Scarab
Aura faint necromancy; Caster Level 5th
Body Slot Throat; Price 43,200 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Originally the golden clockwork Apocrypha Scarab was created by a Cleric who was tired of dealing with the corpses of adventurers. If someone died out in the boondocks, the body had to be dragged back to him, usually in terrible condition. So he began research into this helpful item. Sadly it proved too expensive to produce en masse so the project was abandoned, but the research remains.
When the command word is uttered and the scarab is placed on a corpse, as a Swift Action it animates and burrows into the chest where it latches onto the dead heart and reanimates the body as a Zombie. It is under the control of whoever spoke the command word, and will follow their orders. The body will not decay as long as the scarab is inside it, and if Raised or Resurrected the victim doesn’t lose any Constitution points as the scarab melds with their heart permanently. Otherwise speaking the command word again causes it to crawl out.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Animate Dead, Gentle Repose, Lesser Restoration;
Cost 21,600 GP, 22 days, 864 XP
NIGHT GUARD
Anyone else want to give me ideas on this? I now know it's a "camping" item and that's something disliked, but if you go beyond that ... whatcha think? Thanks for any constructive criticism :)
It may be a camping item but I think it's a good one, particularly the improved version which would stop a lot of tedious discussion about who's going on which watch in our group!
Cheers
Richard
Anyone else want to give me ideas on this? I now know it's a "camping" item and that's something disliked, but if you go beyond that...whatcha think? Thanks for any constructive criticism...
Okay, I'll bite. Hopefully not too hard, though. ;-D
I'll take your item and provide feedback in stream as I read it:
NIGHT GUARD
I'm not sure I like the name that much. I get the connection. It's an abjuration device that's going to warn you against evil things in the night. Got it. But I think a better name might have grabbed the reader better. Unfortunately, I just don't have any other suggestions for you...though obviously, the veil of the midnight vigil made it to the Top 32. That's a bit more evocative than just night guard to me.
Aura faint abjuration and good; CL 5th
Slot –; Weight 1 lb.; Price 3,500 gp or 10,500 gp, see below
I would have left out the "and good" part under Aura. A horn of goodness throws up a magic circle against evil too, but the "good" descriptor doesn't appear in its aura. I would also question your pricing decision...as a horn of goodness only costs 6,500 gp, but it doesn't come with an alarm effect or keep watch over you all night long either...so maybe you've ballparked it sufficiently. I notice you didn't include any construction requirements and without knowing what spells you used to base this thing off, it's a lot harder to get a feel for your pricing.
Other than that, a horn of goodness has a 6th level caster requirement. I'd expect your item to follow along the same lines for the greater version, probably less for just the protection from evil version.
DESCRIPTION
This small, silver face of the goddess of the night hangs on a braided silver cord. Silver hair, threaded with glass-like beads, culminates in minute, silver bells. Once attuned to its current owner, the beads change to the color of his birthstone.
I like some of the descriptive flavor you're invoking here. But the attunement thing is kind of wonky. You didn't indicate how long that would take (though I'd assume 24 hours?) and I'd like to envision this kind of trinket as something a parent could give their child that very night and have it protect them immediately as opposed to requiring attunement.
As for the "goddess of night"...why not just name her? You could have used the Golarion pantheon easily enough for this item. Desna is the goddess of dreams and luck, so she could be the patron for this kind of item. Additionally, the Varisians worship Desna quite a bit, and the idea of the beads changing to match the color of the user's birthstone just sounds like something that would resonate well with that culture. So I think you could have done well to tie it into Paizo's content. I don't always feel that way about every item. I stayed away from it for mine, because I wanted it to stay generic...i.e., it wasn't tied to a deity, which will always vary from one campaign to another anyway.
Designed to protect children from night horrors, it guards its owner when hung from a bedpost or a 2' pole at the head of a sleeping pallet, as protection from evil.
This part reads kind of funny. The first time I read it, I asked myself if mounting it from a bedpost or on a 2' pole is necessary every time you use it? What if the pole is 1' instead? Personally, I would have made this a charm on a necklace right away. That would work really well on the notion of parents giving their children a locket with a loved one's picture in it...or something to that effect...so they'd be watched over throughout the night. And, if you really want to get a little supernatural, I might've had the locket actually invoke a kind spirit from the celestial realm...or the ghost of a beloved family member...to act as the guardian for the night. You could define that effect with something like an unseen servant, perhaps...and had it be the reason for the protection from evil.
As an evil creature prepares to attack, a silent alarm “pings” in the sleeper’s head, waking him and negating being flat-footed for that round. The protection lasts for one “sleep” of eight hours, and may only be used once per day (24-hour period).
I definitely like that you spelled out the mechanics and limitation for the device. One sleep cycle up to 8 hours in length. Only useable once per day. All of that makes perfect sense. I'm assuming the alarm that "pings" in the sleeper's head results from the actual alarm spell. It's an abjuration, too, so it works well and seems logical. But you should reference it in your construction requirements.
My only other advice would be that, mechanically, you might want to describe exactly what happens in combat terms if an evil creature attempts to attack. The protection from evil and magic circle against evil should prevent bodily contact from evil outsiders. But if you really want to make sure your loved one is safe, why not invoke sanctuary on top of protection from evil as you wake up the sleeping victim. That way, it makes sure they aren't flat-footed...it might actually prevent the evil creature from making an attack (if it fails its save)...and it works better with the spell effects already defined.
Adventurers have created an Improved version of the night guard, covering a ten-foot radius from the hanging post, as magic circle against evil. All within the area of protection will hear the silent alarm before an attack.
Personally, I think I would've left off the improved version using magic circle against evil. Obviously, such an item could be out there. But leave it for someone else to define. By including it in your description, it ate up words that you could have used to further refine and style the protection from evil version.
In Summary: I know it's a camping item. But it's a logical one. I think you could make it something more than a mere camping item by describing how it's used to ward away evil spirits or influences. I'd recommend having it protect against castings of nightmare and sending as well. Essentially, if you're going to claim it's a night guard...make sure it fully guards against every malign thing that could interrupt or vex your sleep.
My two-cents,
--Neil
NIGHT GUARD
Anyone else want to give me ideas on this? I now know it's a "camping" item and that's something disliked, but if you go beyond that ... whatcha think? Thanks for any constructive criticism :
I had a similar idea for an item, but then I read Clark's comments about camping gear and I scrapped it. (Not that it helped me!)
I like how your item is written - it's got flavour, and it's mechanics are clear. However, how often do your PCs sleep in beds or on sleeping pallets? You're being to soft on 'em! For this item to have any real utility, I think you should remove this requirement.
Otherwise, I'm in two minds... As a player, not bickering about sleeping order is nice, as is having an insta-buff to AC, for those sleeping in their night-clothes. As a DM, I don't like that it's permanent and it doesn't use a slot.
Hope that's helpful...
Chief Technical Officer
|
I'm not supposed to say, but this one was top 62 :)
I hope you read this before Vic edits it :)
There was some discussion in which some contestants suggested they may not want to know how close they were, and other contestants said they'd like to know... but I personally have no issues with you revealing that.