Clark, Please Give Me Feedback On My Item!

[Steven Helt]

digression wrote:

CROWN OF THE ILLITHID

I didn't even read this one. I immediately knew it was illegal, and I immediately I wouldn't like it. And I immediately rolled my eyes because of the crown of the beholder.

That's not a reflection on you, just the the item struck me right away as against the rules and unimaginative.

[Machaeus]

allen trussell wrote:

Darkjoy wrote:

deinol wrote:

I wasn't sure I wanted to post mine here, but here goes. I really liked my name and theme, but I didn't have time to tighten the mechanics as much as I would have liked.

deinol wrote:

Whisk of the Saucerer

Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 6,000 gp; Weight ½ lb.

Description
Three times per day this mithral whisk allows the user to combine two potions together without harmful effect. Drinking the new potion activates the benefits of both of the original potions. Once mixed, a combined potion cannot be further blended. While the concoction remains delicious for much longer, it must be used within one day or the magical properties of the potion are lost. In addition to this blending ability, this whisk allows the user to mix potions into food. Eating the prepared food activates the benefits of the potion. The wielder can cook with a +5 competence bonus on Craft (cooking) checks.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, mending, creator must have 5 ranks in the Craft (cooking) skill; Cost 3,000 gp

Don't know if this one has been reviewed already, but I am going to give it a shot.

1) name, saucerer or sorcerer? If it is the former than your whisk doesn't really life up to its name because no sauce is mentioned. If you meant sorcerer, well then you made an error.

2) combining potions, not a problem.

3) mixing it with food, does this cost a charge? And what happens if more than 1 person eats the food? You don't provide a guideline for this very likely event.

4) +5 craft bonus, I think cooking is a profession.

In the end it is a nice item, it has some problems though.

Perhaps "Whisk of the Saucier"? A saucier is a chef specializing in sauces. Bon appetit!

Spoken like people who have never seen/heard of/played Kingdom of Loathing. Not that that's a bad thing...it just would have made it more obvious (at least IMO) that it was based on a prior-made game's class (unless I am horribly mistaken).

[Cainus]

You guys are giving some great feedback. Hopefully people have one more in them to review.

Bells of the Horse Lords
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot amulet; Price 6750; Weight 3lb.
DESCRIPTION
These three decorative bells are worn around the neck of any medium or large sized mount. Each bell has a specific effect if sounded after the command word is spoken. The first bell is engraved with a horse hauling a wagon; it equips the mount with a harness and connects it to an adjacent wagon, cart or other transport. No effects occur or charges are expended if a transport is not available. The second bell is engraved with a riding horse at full run; it equips the mount with tack and a riding saddle. The third bell is engraved with an armored warhorse standing at attention; it equips the mount with chain shirt barding, tack, and a military saddle. Exotic versions of the riding and military saddles are provided if necessary.
This item has three uses per day; the transport and riding bells last six hours per use and the armor bell lasts three hours per use. The equipment vanishes if removed from the mount.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, mount, mage armor; Cost 3375

Thanks everyone!

[Charles Evans 25]

Cainus wrote:

You guys are giving some great feedback. Hopefully people have one more in them to review.

Bells of the Horse Lords
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot amulet; Price 6750; Weight 3lb.
DESCRIPTION
These three decorative bells are worn around the neck of any medium or large sized mount. Each bell has a specific effect if sounded after the command word is spoken. The first bell is engraved with a horse hauling a wagon; it equips the mount with a harness and connects it to an adjacent wagon, cart or other transport. No effects occur or charges are expended if a transport is not available. The second bell is engraved with a riding horse at full run; it equips the mount with tack and a riding saddle. The third bell is engraved with an armored warhorse standing at attention; it equips the mount with chain shirt barding, tack, and a military saddle. Exotic versions of the riding and military saddles are provided if necessary.
This item has three uses per day; the transport and riding bells last six hours per use and the armor bell lasts three hours per use. The equipment vanishes if removed from the mount.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, mount, mage armor; Cost 3375

Thanks everyone!

Well for a start looking at this item, I wonder why the school listed is transmutation magic, when the spells listed as construction requirements are conjuration spells and the effects of the item would seem to me to be conjuration effects?

[Steven Helt]

Bells as a magic item don't make me salivate, when I see them, I am very likely to skip them and go to the next item in the book. If you want to advance in superstar, you have to have something that really excites a judge. We've seen fair ideas with horrible mechanics advance, we've seen blah ideas with solid formatting advance, we've seen both great and awful writing advance. But something in your item has to capture a judge's favor and be worth entering over something else. To me, if you start with bells, the rest of your entry is going to have to rock me, because you've already kind of lost my attention.

If you capitalize "Medium or Large mount", your presentation is more professional (you're using the language of the game), and you don't have to include the word 'sized' (which should have been hyphenated anyway). This saves you a word and doesn't distract the reader. Of course, this would likely be fixed in editing, and surely wouldn't bar the bells from advancing if the judges really liked something else. But it is something to consider. Presentation and word-economy.

If I read this correctly, the item isn't really very imaginative or useful. Sorry to say that, but is it really just assorted gear for the mount? For $6000 gp? To put it into perspective, you could buy 15 heavy warhorses, or one heavy warhorse with a full kit, a set of +1 mithril barding, and stable him for a year, for less money (5844 gp).

Assuming the bells did not have those flaws, there are mechanical issues. What kind of action activates them? If bandits ride past me, can I drop the reigns, hop onto the horse, say the command and have the fast equipment appear under me? The most excitement I envision from this thing is leaving a wagon behind in an emergent situation like that, and it doesn't really give me the information necessary. By default, it would take a standard action to change gear, and that ruins it for me. Also, Mr Evans' point about the type of magical aura is salient, and then there's the matter of alphabetizing and italicizing the spells reuired for its creation.

Finally, why bells? I get the image of a foo-foo pet pony with braids and bells, and then BAM! Foo-foo pony with braids, bells, and barding!

Hope that was helpful.

[deinol]

Machaeus wrote:

deinol wrote:

Whisk of the Saucerer

Spoken like people who have never seen/heard of/played Kingdom of Loathing. Not that that's a bad thing...it just would have made it...

Interesting. I'd never heard of/played Kingdom of Loathing. I created the item based on a joke from my game (I know, not really a good idea) where our Tiefling loves fine food. He keeps saying he should get a level in Saucerer. ;)

[Cainus]

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

Cainus wrote:

You guys are giving some great feedback. Hopefully people have one more in them to review.

Bells of the Horse Lords
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot amulet; Price 6750; Weight 3lb.
DESCRIPTION
These three decorative bells are worn around the neck of any medium or large sized mount. Each bell has a specific effect if sounded after the command word is spoken. The first bell is engraved with a horse hauling a wagon; it equips the mount with a harness and connects it to an adjacent wagon, cart or other transport. No effects occur or charges are expended if a transport is not available. The second bell is engraved with a riding horse at full run; it equips the mount with tack and a riding saddle. The third bell is engraved with an armored warhorse standing at attention; it equips the mount with chain shirt barding, tack, and a military saddle. Exotic versions of the riding and military saddles are provided if necessary.
This item has three uses per day; the transport and riding bells last six hours per use and the armor bell lasts three hours per use. The equipment vanishes if removed from the mount.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, mount, mage armor; Cost 3375

Thanks everyone!

Well for a start looking at this item, I wonder why the school listed is transmutation magic, when the spells listed as construction requirements are conjuration spells and the effects of the item would seem to me to be conjuration effects?

Ummm... that would be because I was using another spell but changed it to reduce cost at the last minute, and forgot to update the school listing...

d'oh

[Cainus]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

Bells as a magic item don't make me salivate, when I see them, I am very likely to skip them and go to the next item in the book. If you want to advance in superstar, you have to have something that really excites a judge. We've seen fair ideas with horrible mechanics advance, we've seen blah ideas with solid formatting advance, we've seen both great and awful writing advance. But something in your item has to capture a judge's favor and be worth entering over something else. To me, if you start with bells, the rest of your entry is going to have to rock me, because you've already kind of lost my attention.

If you capitalize "Medium or Large mount", your presentation is more professional (you're using the language of the game), and you don't have to include the word 'sized' (which should have been hyphenated anyway). This saves you a word and doesn't distract the reader. Of course, this would likely be fixed in editing, and surely wouldn't bar the bells from advancing if the judges really liked something else. But it is something to consider. Presentation and word-economy.

If I read this correctly, the item isn't really very imaginative or useful. Sorry to say that, but is it really just assorted gear for the mount? For $6000 gp? To put it into perspective, you could buy 15 heavy warhorses, or one heavy warhorse with a full kit, a set of +1 mithril barding, and stable him for a year, for less money (5844 gp).

Assuming the bells did not have those flaws, there are mechanical issues. What kind of action activates them? If bandits ride past me, can I drop the reigns, hop onto the horse, say the command and have the fast equipment appear under me? The most excitement I envision from this thing is leaving a wagon behind in an emergent situation like that, and it doesn't really give me the information necessary. By default, it would take a standard action to change gear, and that ruins it for me. Also, Mr Evans' point about the type of magical aura is salient, and then there's the matter...

First off, thanks for the reply.

Second, why bells? Bells are often used to decorate mounts and draft animals by many cultures so it was something regularly universal.

The cost was high, but I wasn't sure how to get it down, short of manufactoring a discount because it was a mount item. And see above for the School issue. You're very right about the type of action to activate, that would have been useful.

Thanks again.

[Steven Helt]

Rimrock wrote:

PHARASMA’S REPRIEVE

You know, this is a pretty neat item up until you become a worshipper of Pharasma, then it's broken. Not being killable by hp total in Pathfinder is a litle absurd. Remember the golden standard: if everyone who could get one of these would want them, it's too good.

The item has the opposite effect, too. It's so expensive no one but a worshipper of Pharasma would want one. You need to fix the item so folks could afford the minor abilities, and then huck the unkillable feature.

The auto-stable and gentle repose effects are tightly themed and appropriate for the church. No troubles there. The physical description of the item is unique. I would stop the item's function there, and change the resurrection requirement and just keep stabilize. This should reduce the price dramatically, making it useful for the lower-end powers, but not a super-exoorbidant item that only those who couldn't die would want.

This version of the item saves folks so the players can focus on the combat, and still allows a player the DM (or NPCs) want dead. A simple coup de grace or dagger-stab should be enough to finish off a stabilized character, so the possibility of death is still there.

Which will mean DMs will allow it in their campaigns rather than ban it. : }

[Steven Helt]

Cainus wrote:

regarding bells...

Sorry. I understood why you'd put bells on horse, but why on potentially military horses? Do you start with "Sleigh bells are an item I've never seen done..." or with "I want to switch up the gear on mounts..what do they wear that I could roll all the gear into?"

[Steven Helt]

Darkjoy wrote:

Eyes of Fear and Fire

Dungeon Magazine featured an Eye of Fear and Flame prestige class some time ago. I only read it once, and I still have it here somewhere, but I think it had something to do with heucuvae or angry druids. Maybe the art reminded me of an old heucuva picture. Anyway, I immediately thought of that when I saw your item.

I think you should let people infer the cause of a bonus. If in one or two lines of descriptive text, you note the eyes become blackened and enlarged, you shouldn't have to explain in a later sentence that that's why you get a +2 bonus to Initmidate checks.

I think scaling the item up to a +5 Intimidate check is not a good choice. You already have a +2. Save words and do something more interesting than a skill bonus with your nest sentence.

Clearly, ray of frost twice per day is not exciting. Why not make it a little more expensive and go with a CL of 7 and two scorching rays. Now you have some flame! Same thing with fear instead of cause fear.

Basically, I don't think anyone who could afford the item would want it. Low-level magic items might be really appealing in some campaigns, but then at 2600gp, it has to compete with a +1 armor AND a +1 shield, or a wand of magic missile.

[Steven Helt]

Fraust wrote:

HELM OF IRON ORDER.

The item would be more evocative if you could actually see the head within it. I think you've just inspired a heavy flail for a future villain of mine.

Obviously, you have format issues. You don't list a DC for the skill check, and you present your required spells without alphabetizing, and without italics. The item is also a group of spells in a can, though your chosen spells are themed tightly. The item is extremely pricey, and reducing the canned spells to OPD might relieve a lot of that.

The best design for a wondrous item is something that stretches the rules. Something that draws inspiration from spells, but doesn't simply cast them. A second attempt at this item, with a mechanic that breaks the rules and doesn't just contain a holy smite spell would likely be well-received, I think.

[Zombieneighbours]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

Bells as a magic item don't make me salivate, when I see them, I am very likely to skip them and go to the next item in the book. If you want to advance in superstar, you have to have something that really excites a judge. We've seen fair ideas with horrible mechanics advance, we've seen blah ideas with solid formatting advance, we've seen both great and awful writing advance. But something in your item has to capture a judge's favor and be worth entering over something else. To me, if you start with bells, the rest of your entry is going to have to rock me, because you've already kind of lost my attention.

If you capitalize "Medium or Large mount", your presentation is more professional (you're using the language of the game), and you don't have to include the word 'sized' (which should have been hyphenated anyway). This saves you a word and doesn't distract the reader. Of course, this would likely be fixed in editing, and surely wouldn't bar the bells from advancing if the judges really liked something else. But it is something to consider. Presentation and word-economy.

If I read this correctly, the item isn't really very imaginative or useful. Sorry to say that, but is it really just assorted gear for the mount? For $6000 gp? To put it into perspective, you could buy 15 heavy warhorses, or one heavy warhorse with a full kit, a set of +1 mithril barding, and stable him for a year, for less money (5844 gp).

Assuming the bells did not have those flaws, there are mechanical issues. What kind of action activates them? If bandits ride past me, can I drop the reigns, hop onto the horse, say the command and have the fast equipment appear under me? The most excitement I envision from this thing is leaving a wagon behind in an emergent situation like that, and it doesn't really give me the information necessary. By default, it would take a standard action to change gear, and that ruins it for me. Also, Mr Evans' point about the type of magical aura is salient, and then there's the matter...

Bells can be the stuff of awesome in stories, but i personally think that these bells utterly miss what it is that make bells cool.

In european bells should be about Fae and Undead, just as all the best magic items are. Historically bells where blessed to scare of evil spirits, fae and ghosts. There sound ringing out causes pain or otherwise debiliates or drives away the things that go bump in the night.

Another element of bells is summoning, effects related to calling people together or summoning other worldly entities work well.

In tibet bells serve a more directly religious roll. Either as meditation tools or as a prayer tool. Mantras are often egraved around the outside of Bells. To ring these bells they must be turned, which effectively shows you the entire mantra over and over again. Consider effects related to healing of the mind and soul, communing with gods and entering altered states for these kinds of bells.

[Steven Helt]

Good stuff, man. Especially the Tibetan bells, which are really evocative and inspiring.

[Maurice de Mare]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

Darkjoy wrote:

Eyes of Fear and Fire

Gave some feedback

Thanks for the feedback.

I deliberately went for small with my spell choices, eyes of doom has the fear effect already and I didn't want to copy that.

You are the second one to point out that this is a nice to get item, not something you set out to buy, which is a shame really ;>

[Steven Helt]

Your birthstone pendant would be pretty cool, if it weren't already an ioun stone and a cloak of insight-instead-of-resistance rolled into one.

The lesser version is priced okay, but then it isn't creative. It's taking an existing item and cutting the price in half by putting it into a slot. The greater version is off by quite a bit, since it would be about 18K for the two insight bonuses, and then need to account for the OPD power.

Other criticisms:
-I would never rule that something can never be random treasure. Now if it gets rolled up, it has to be rerolled. NPCs can't sell it or use it against the party. If an NPC has one, the party can't really do anything with it.
-You don't need to overcapitalize your mechanical statements. Example "+1 Insight Bonus to Saves."
-The description of the third major ability should be more fluid and complete, like "Once per day, as an immediate action, the wearer of the pendant may elect to suffer minimal damage from any one source. The use of this ability may be declared after he takes damage, but before any damage dice are rolled. This ability may only be applied if damage dice are being rolled. In the case of area affects or if the wearer is one of multiple targets, damage taken by anyone but the wearer is rolled normally." As written, the type of action isn't specified, and the language isn't presented in step with other magic items.
-stoneskin should be italicized, not capitalized, and has nothing to do with the minimal damage feature, so you need another requirement like aid, which also helps address the non-resistance saving throw boost.

Hope that was helpful!

[Steven Helt]

Abraham spalding wrote:

Mask Of Arcane Secrets

Obviously, the format would kill you right away. It'd have to be a pretty clever item to escape getting canned for its presentation alone.

Aside from that, the name is pretty unimaginative, and it's effect is described very poorly, oing again to format.

I would say it affects a part of the game not many folks have an interest in. How many PCs build that counterspell strategy? I know they are out there, but I have never seen one.

[JasonOrlandoHawk]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

<snip>

I absolutely hated using Stoneskin, but it was the closest thing I could find to the intended effect: there just aren't a lot of spells that prevent damage... really, I would have preferred to find a Divination effect rather than Abjuration (since that it closer to "astrology"), but no suitable spell exists.

Mostly, I was trying to put astrology abilities into the game, which screamed "insight bonus" to me. Shortly after posting, it occurred to me that you were probably looking for unique mechanics, not just unique concepts.

On the math... I'm just curious what I missed. 2500 for the AC bonus, 2000 for the save bonus, and 14000 for the OPD effect... since it used up a neck slot, it shouldn't have multiplied the base cost of the Insight bonuses. Did I miss something painfully obvious? Sorry to probe, but I'm curious what I missed.

The "never random treasure" thing is probably a testament to my group's gaming style. We almost never use "random" treasure anyways. If an item like that were to show up in our typical games... there would be a use for it within the group, not to mention a side quest to figure out how that item could function for a member of the group. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have assumed a group using our play style. Oops.

I do sincerely appreciate that you took the time to offer me some feedback. Thanks!

[andrew berthiaume]

I'm gonna step in for a friend who entered and repost his item for you guys since I think Clark's still on page 2 and this was on page 4 lol. I'll pass on what you guys say to him next time I see him. IMHO, I think my friend went abit too gonzo here.

HedLeeman wrote:

Forgive me if this isn't word for word, I cant seem to find my save of it. (Yes, SRD, I know, didn't know where to look for proper format til after the entry was submitted and zip file wouldn't open..."

Shard of Fractured Timelines:
A shard of fractured timelines looks like an ordinary quartz. Twice per day you may look through the shard and see several iterations of what may happen if you attempt certain tasks. It will let you see what would happen if you fail or succeed at your next skill check, but not what happens during it, for example using a shard on a search for traps would show you disarming the trap and you getting attacked by it, but not where the trap was.
In addition a chaotic character may equip a shard as a monocle as a standard action. Doing so provides a +1 insight bonus to all saves and to armor class. After wearing a shard in this manner for one minute per day, it will start to show you things that likely will not happen and all bonuses become an equal penalty due to bad information.

Moderate Divination; CL 8th; Craft wondrous item, divination; price 9000gp; weight negligible

Did I get owned by my srd or was my item too boring?

[Dale McCoy Jr]

HedLeeman wrote:

Shard of Fractured Timelines:

A shard of fractured timelines looks like an ordinary quartz. Twice per day you may look through the shard and see several iterations of what may happen if you attempt certain tasks. It will let you see what would happen if you fail or succeed at your next skill check, but not what happens during it, for example using a shard on a search for traps would show you disarming the trap and you getting attacked by it, but not where the trap was.
In addition a chaotic character may equip a shard as a monocle as a standard action. Doing so provides a +1 insight bonus to all saves and to armor class. After wearing a shard in this manner for one minute per day, it will start to show you things that likely will not happen and all bonuses become an equal penalty due to bad information.

Moderate Divination; CL 8th; Craft wondrous item, divination; price 9000gp; weight negligible

Breaking it down:

Format Yea that would have gotten you the boot.
Title Interesting. It grabs my attenction. I'm not in love with it, but having my attenction is almost as good.
Physical Description "ordinary quartz" doesn't tell me much. Cloudy or clear, any color to it (yes, some do have color), size (we talking 1 inch long or 10), etc? I will admit that I am being overly picky on this point since my education is in material engineering with a focus on crystals like quartz. But even still, something like looks "ordinary" doesn't strike me as "magical". I gather you're going to for something unsuspecting to the average commoner, but ... it doesn't make me think "Superstar". You kept the description down to a single sentence, which is a plus.
Mechanic 1st half. "It will let you see what would happen if you fail or succeed at your next skill check, but not what happens during it, for example using a shard on a search for traps would show you disarming the trap and you getting attacked by it, but not where the trap was. " This part confuses me. To use your example: you use it just before a skill check, but it does not assist in your skill check. It assists in the skill check following that? That does not seem right to me. I mean if I am going to use it when checking for traps, I would like it to show me where the trap is. Different example: Say I want to jump from roof a to roof b. If I am understand this correctly, it would show me running across roof b or my broken body being scooped up by the town watch and bring brought back to the morgue. So how did it help me?
2nd half. "In addition a chaotic character may equip a shard as a monocle as a standard action. Doing so provides a +1 insight bonus to all saves and to armor class. After wearing a shard in this manner for one minute per day, it will start to show you things that likely will not happen and all bonuses become an equal penalty due to bad information." Ok, my first reaction to this is that this is cool. But thinking about it for a moment is ... less than positive. It provides a +1 bonus for chaotic characters. Why? There's nothing in the creation requirements saying that the creator must be chaotic or anything else allowing for this particular bend to the base spell. The last bit is cool and thematic, but I do not believe it belongs here. Negative effects belong in cursed items, intelligent items and artifacts not magic items.
Creation Its an augury item. The judges have seen plenty of augury items. They've mentioned it a few times. Being "just another" isn't "Superstar." Superstars stand out from the pack by doing something that no one has seen before (at atleast often).

[HedLeeman]

...I hereby give my post the title of "TLDR!!!"

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Breaking it down:
Format Yea that would have gotten you the boot.

Yeah figured that part there.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Title Interesting. It grabs my attenction. I'm not in love with it, but having my attenction is almost as good.

Thanks though I dont remember whether it was broken or fractured as the adjective.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Physical Description "ordinary quartz" doesn't tell me much. Cloudy or clear, any color to it (yes, some do have color), size (we talking 1 inch long or 10), etc? I will admit that I am being overly picky on this point since my education is in material engineering with a focus on crystals like quartz. But even still, something like looks "ordinary" doesn't strike me as "magical". I gather you're going to for something unsuspecting to the average commoner, but ... it doesn't make me think "Superstar". You kept the description down to a single sentence, which is a plus.

By ordinary I pretty much meant no overt marking or filigree or additions to the quartz. I guess I should have stated it was clear? You are looking through it. I wanted a short description because word count was already eating up some abilities I had intended. other than that it could have been any variety of quartz.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Mechanic 1st half. "It will let you see what would happen if you fail or succeed at your next skill check, but not what happens during it, for example using a shard on a search for traps would show you disarming the trap and you getting attacked by it, but not where the trap was. " This part confuses me. To use your example: you use it just before a skill check, but it does not assist in your skill check. It assists in the skill check following that?

No it doesn't add to any skill checks, I suppose I chose a bad example skill. It isn't intended for skills you are almost certain to use in the immediate future. It's meant to help gauge risk vs. reward. Will so and so the guard react poorly to intimidation if you fail how about him reacting poorly even if you succeed. Its to help you know if even taking the action is worth while. I cant see the bottom of a pit will it be lethal if I fall into it after failing a jump to try to get to something on the far side?

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

That does not seem right to me. I mean if I am going to use it when checking for traps, I would like it to show me where the trap is. Different example: Say I want to jump from roof a to roof b. If I am understand this correctly, it would show me running across roof b or my broken body being scooped up by the town watch and bring brought back to the morgue. So how did it help me?

It doesn't help in those situations like I said trap checking was probably a poor example. It wouldn't just show those variants of your fall either, if there was a chance to survive the fall you would see that, if the roof was in poor condition it would show that there was a chance that the landing would collapse the far roof. In short you would know that the fall either is guaranteed or only possibly fatal, and what will happen shortly after success. Then you could use that info to decide if jumping the gap would even be worth it.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

2nd half. "In addition a chaotic character may equip a shard as a monocle as a standard action. Doing so provides a +1 insight bonus to all saves and to armor class. After wearing a shard in this manner for one minute per day, it will start to show you things that likely will not happen and all bonuses become an equal penalty due to bad information." Ok, my first reaction to this is that this is cool. But thinking about it for a moment is ... less than positive. It provides a +1 bonus for chaotic characters. Why? There's nothing in the creation requirements saying that the creator must be chaotic or anything else allowing for this particular bend to the base spell.

The reasoning behind the +1 for chaotic characters was lost to word count issues. In short, word count cut out the ability for neutral characters and the first part was originally going to be only for lawful characters. In the end my personal bias towards preferring Chaotic alignment kept the last ability and made the first ability for anyone instead of just lawful characters. Chaotic characters were getting a boost because they were more flexible and able to attune themselves with the rapidly changing predictions given out in battle.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

The last bit is cool and thematic, but I do not believe it belongs here. Negative effects belong in cursed items, intelligent items and artifacts not magic items.

The negative bit is something that I thought about. If you think about it longer it is essentially just cool and thematic and not so much a negative effect, as it is a limit to uses per day. I could of just said 'for up to one minute per day', but I decided that it would be neater if there was a reasoning behind that particular time limit. Thus the 'after a minute it starts giving you crazy readings', start seeing meteor coming your way and you know its time to stop using it. You aren't really intended to be getting hit by those penalties, they're a glorified time limit. Unless some weird villain comes up with a way to force people to keep wearing them, you just remove the shard when it hits the time limit, dropping an item is a free action.

My next year entry will be a bit more uncanny. Hopefully it will pack a bit more punch.

Anyway I would like to hear and respond to more feedback if it comes my way.

... I just looked at how long this post is going to be and said "ZOMGwordcount"

[Dale McCoy Jr]

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Physical Description

"HedLeeman wrote:

By ordinary I pretty much meant no overt marking or filigree or additions to the quartz. I guess I should have stated it was clear? You are looking through it. I wanted a short description because word count was already eating up some abilities I had intended. other than that it could have been any variety of quartz.

I pretty much figured that. But ask yourself this, "Which sounds cooler: 'appears as ordinary quartz' or 'This two inch shard of clear quartz has an ancient rune of prophecy inscribed on one end'?" I know its longer, but it really does grab your attenction in a way 'ordinary' does not.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Mechanic 1st half.

"HedLeeman wrote:

It's meant to help gauge risk vs. reward. Will so and so the guard react poorly to intimidation if you fail how about him reacting poorly even if you succeed. Its to help you know if even taking the action is worth while. I cant see the bottom of a pit will it be lethal if I fall into it after failing a jump to try to get to something on the far side?

...
Then you could use that info to decide if jumping the gap would even be worth it.

Personal bias: I wouldn't want to know. Gauging risk vs reward is something I do in my daily life. In my gaming life, I'd rather spend more time thinking about how to get out of the pit when I have 1 hp remaining than if the risk of getting to the other side is worth it. I mean the whole reason I am in a dungeon to begin with is because my character believes that the risk is worth the reward; I don't want to second guess every decision in that dungeon. Also, I feel it would spoil alot of the DM's surprises.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

2nd half.

"HedLeeman wrote:

The reasoning behind the +1 for chaotic characters was lost to word count issues. In short, word count cut out the ability for neutral characters and the first part was originally going to be only for lawful characters. In the end my personal bias towards preferring Chaotic alignment kept the last ability and made the first ability for anyone instead of just lawful characters. Chaotic characters were getting a boost because they were more flexible and able to attune themselves with the rapidly changing predictions given out in battle.

But my complaint isn't that Chaotic character shouldn't get a boost. Infact, I feel it's cool. I like it. My complaint is that there is nothing in the creation requirements of the item to allow for that particular bend. If the item had to be created by a chaotic creature, that would be cool.

Also I am noticing that "word count" is a large issue with this item. This item probably would have been much better with a longer word count. My recommendation for next year isn't to cut your item down to fit the word count but instead to design an item that can fit in the word count. The idea of the the first round isn't just 'can you come up with cool ideas' but also 'can you clearly convey your cool ideas in a brief word count.' Notice the second focuses on presentation while the first focuses on an idea. It appears that you sacrificed clarity for word count. My recommendation for next year is to create an item where the first draft is under 150 words. This way you still have 50 more words in the second draft if the first wasn't clear enough.

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

The last bit

"HedLeeman wrote:

The negative bit is something that I thought about. If you think about it longer it is essentially just cool and thematic and not so much a negative effect, as it is a limit to uses per day. I could of just said 'for up to one minute per day', but I decided that it would be neater if there was a reasoning behind that particular time limit. Thus the 'after a minute it starts giving you crazy readings', start seeing meteor coming your way and you know its time to stop using it. You aren't really intended to be getting hit by those penalties, they're a glorified time limit. Unless some weird villain comes up with a way to force people to keep wearing them, you just remove the shard when it hits the time limit, dropping an item is a free action.

Don't get me wrong. I like it. I think its cool. I think there should be more cursed items in the game. But that is not what the judges are after and not how the contest (and the base game) defines magic items. Short of the long: accept that and work with it.

[HedLeeman]

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

Personal bias: I wouldn't want to know. Gauging risk vs reward is something I do in my daily life. In my gaming life, I'd rather spend more time thinking about how to get out of the pit when I have 1 hp remaining than if the risk of getting to the other side is worth it. I mean the whole reason I am in a dungeon to begin with is because my character believes that the risk is worth the reward; I don't want to second guess every decision in that dungeon. Also, I feel it would spoil alot of the DM's surprises.

I can totally see that, different things for different people, I almost cut the first part and replaced it with a expanded combat boost or maybe skill boost for all characters and removing the alignment based part (Alignment matters items is a pet peeve of many of the people I had proof reading my entry for spelling/grammar errors), I was sadly distracted by how much more 200 words sounded like it was than what came out and by my formatting trouble, I knew it was probably wrong but I don't own the book and my computer was failing at reading the zip file that day. I just went and looked at the format used by last years winners, and I failed to think that this years would be different... Oh well... next year right?

Now that I know, I think I'll be able to get next years entry up to snuff. I think it'll be much more clever and original, hopefully. Even I'm finding my first attempt here to be less than well presented.

[Dale McCoy Jr]

HedLeeman wrote:

Now that I know, I think I'll be able to get next years entry up to snuff. I think it'll be much more clever and original, hopefully. Even I'm finding my first attempt here to be less than well presented.

Truthfully, you did good. It may have had its spots, but even Wizards puts out Eratta to fix their less than bright spots. Plus, you entered. If you never submitted something off to a company for potential publication before, you have now. That first step is nothing to sneeze at. Keep trying.

[AsmodeusUltima]

Has this thread died? I was really hoping to hear Clark's feedback on my item. I will continue to hope that he has just been busy and will get back to this soon...

In fact maybe I will list what I think of my own item and see if people agree:

Pros: Unique. There are very few druid-specific items and I can think of almost no anti-fey items. Of course it can still be useful even if the user is not a druid or is not facing fey, but overall I was really banking on a "Wow, I have never seen anything like this before" factor. Also I was rather proud of the mechanic to allow druids to blow extra wild shape uses for much-needed utility spells. Coolness. Maybe it is just me, and maybe it was a subconscious homage to the old Dragonlance trilogy, but the idea of a glowing green gem embedded in a character's chest just seems cool. Theme. I know it may seem like a swiss-army knife at first, but I really thought a long time about each ability I added and think it all fits quite well for an item used to help combat a foe known for heavy use of Enchantments and Illusions, a thematic tie to dreams, and a penchant for being difficult to track and deal with in their forest homes. You guys would not know this but I had a plan to link my entries culminating in an adventure involving a mad, soul-stealing satyr lord, his not-so-moral druidic adversaries, and the poor town (and its PC saviors!) caught in between. Not exactly Boomer gonzo, but I was proud of it. ;)

Cons: Niche. Yeah, I know, the only ability likely to come up on a regular basis is the Faerie Fire, and that was the last thing I added! On reflection I should have focused more on a less adventure-dependent item instead of obsessing over linking all my entries to help make sure that I made it past the first round! For the same price and slot most adventurers will take an Amulet of Natural Armor +4 hands down. On that note... Price. Yeah, I must admit I had a really hard time pricing this sucker, and still am not sure I have it at a reasonable amount. There are a couple abilities that I just had to completely guess for appropriate pricing. Tropes Spell-in-a-box? To some extent. Swiss army knife? Yeah, I can see that. At least it isn't another Commune item. ;)

So what does everyone (especially judges or former winners like my hero Hennet, er, Boomer) think? Would YOU use this? Thanks for the input! (BTW feel free to be totally honest, I have thick skin and an actual wish to improve, not get a pat on the head.)

Shard of the Verdant Heart

Aura strong divination; CL 13th; Slot neck; Price 32,000 gp; Weight ---

DESCRIPTION
Few people remember that fey, like dreams, are not always pleasant. This brilliant green gem was crafted to aid against the darkest of dreams.

The shard is attuned to its user the first time she sleeps with it on her person. At this point the gem fuses itself to her chest and can only be removed by the bearer’s own hand or upon her death. While embedded it grants the following abilities:

•+4 Insight bonus to saves versus Enchantment and Illusion effects
•Untroubled sleep, including immunity to spells such as Nightmare
•Faerie fire (at will)

Additionally, if the bearer is a Druid, she may expend uses of her Wild Shape ability to cast one of the following spells as a standard action (self only, no spell more than twice per day):

•Freedom of movement (1 use)
•Commune with nature (2 uses)
•Tree stride (2 uses)
•True seeing (3 uses)

CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, freedom of movement, commune with nature, faerie fire, resistance, tree stride, true seeing, creator must be a druid; Cost 16,000 gp

[Maurice de Mare]

Shard of the Verdant Heart

Quick review:

1) strong varied would be a better description.
2) slot choice bothers me, neck slot while the gem implants itself in a chest?
3) the first line about the fey is unneeded.
4) swiss army knife
5) price

Plus, I agree with all your points ;>

[Dale McCoy Jr]

First off, I didn't read your own opinion of your item for 2 reasons: 1) I didn't want to be influenced by it and 2) IMO you should be your biggest cheerleader and be wholey behind it. Own its up and down sides. Make something you are wholey proud of.

To the item:

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

Shard of the Verdant Heart

Not bad. I had to look verdant up in the dictionary though. Nothing wrong with a wide vocabulary, but if this was in a game book, it would not help me to get an instant impression of your item. Infact it would leave me confused until I did look it up. That would leave me a negative taste my mouth.

>>Aura strong divination; CL 13th; ... Requirements ..., freedom of movement, commune with nature, faerie fire, resistance, tree stride, true seeing

Off the top of my head, freedom of movement is abjuration and tree stride is conjuration. No mention of those two auras. That would have earned you an auto-reject.

>>Slot neck; ... At this point the gem fuses itself to her chest

Emphasis mine. This is confusing.

>>Few people remember that fey, like dreams, are not always pleasant. This brilliant green gem was crafted to aid against the darkest of dreams.

Unnecessary. Players shouldn't need to be told for what circumstances the item is best used for. Most players figure out new uses that the creator never intended. Infact the item provides no direct assistance against fey at all.

>> At this point the gem fuses itself to her chest and can only be removed by the bearer’s own hand or upon her death.

The great axiom of D&D, "Anything that can be gained, can be taken away." Very few magic items help the person perminently. Most of those increase a ability score. If I were a judge, I'd vote against it for this part.

>>Additionally, if the bearer is a Druid, she may expend uses of her Wild Shape ability to cast one of the following spells as a standard action (self only, no spell more than twice per day):

•Freedom of movement (1 use)
•Commune with nature (2 uses)
•Tree stride (2 uses)
•True seeing (3 uses)

Interesting mechanic. It strikes me as something similar to a staff than a wondrous item. But its different enough that I like it. But it suffers from a Swiss army knife/spell in a can problem.

Final thoughts: Great idea. You had some techical issues that probably got you rejected right away, and the item need some editting but make it work better, but your fluff is imaginative.

[Maurice de Mare]

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

To the item:

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

Shard of the Verdant Heart

Not bad. I had to look verdant up in the dictionary though. Nothing wrong with a wide vocabulary, but if this was in a game book, it would not help me to get an instant impression of your item. Infact it would leave me confused until I did look it up. That would leave me a negative taste my mouth.

Going offtopic here: Really, I'd say that verdant is overused. It may be Magic the Gathering speaking here, but verdant doesn't even give me pause.

So as an added critique: overuse of a fantasy staple ;>

[Dale McCoy Jr]

Darkjoy wrote:

Really, I'd say that verdant is overused. It may be Magic the Gathering speaking here,

Maybe, I played more blue or white decks myself so I didn't see it much.

[AsmodeusUltima]

Thank you both for your input. I would still love to hear from anyone else who cares to share!

As for the points you gentlemen raised:

I was never married to the Aura, and in fact changed it a couple times during the design process. I finally went with Divination simply because the rules stated that it would be that of the strongest spell used in the creation of the item, which for a druid would be a 7th level True Seeing. I agree that the "feel" of the item calls more for Abjuration (ST bonuses, sleep ward, Freedom of Movement). I never thought of Varied...

I stick by my slot choice which was quite deliberate. The "Neck" slot includes broaches and scarabs which are traditionally pinned to a cloak or tunic over the breast, not hung from a chain about the neck. In this way these items are centered about the chest, just as a medallion or amulet would be, and it is only a matter of a bit of cloth separating that from my item; less if they wear it inside their shirt!

Yes I know the flavor text was unnecessary; that is why it is flavor! I had the words to spare and thought it was a cool way to evoke a certain image in the reader so that they had the right feel from the get-go. I purposefully did not include any powers that directly targeted fey, because really, how many fey are there in the SRD? Instead I used theme to link together a group of powers that I thought could be useful against a lot of foes but would be especially useful against dastardly faeries. I know this did end up with a bit of a Swiss army knife feel but I believe that when taken as a whole the theme holds up: powers to protect against/deal with abilities commonly used by fey (ST bonuses, faerie fire to counter invisibility, freedom of movement), powers to locate the enemy (commune with nature, true seeing), and powers to help you catch the slippery little buggers (tree stride, and, again, freedom of movement).

I really saw the "can only be removed" thing as fluff. Sure it is a slight advantage that some pixie can't just flit up and lift it off you while you sleep, but then again how often does that happen anyway? I do not think many DMs would have that happen if it were an Amulet of Natural Armor (the party's weapons, now, are a different story), and if this item's powers make it a more tempting target for the fey to take... well, that is why the creator decided to make it difficult to do so!

Finally, the name. I played some Magic back in Middle School, not much though. I think it is not so obscure that it precludes use in most gaming groups, it implies that the item is both green and related to plants, and, well, I just happen to like the word verdant. I briefly considered calling it the Shard of the Vernal Heart, but I think that word is even more obscure and I would be afraid of people misreading it as venereal or some such thing.

Again, I appreciate the feedback and am hungry for more. Please consider my rebuttal and let me know if I have changed your minds about anything!

[Dale McCoy Jr]

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

Yes I know the flavor text was unnecessary; that is why it is flavor!

Flavor text on a magic item shouldn't be a suggested use. It should give you an idea of what it looks like or some other description with the 5 senses. Your item does not help someone against fae more than any other type of creature that happens to turn itself invisible or cause illusions. That's what makes it unnecessary.

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

I really saw the "can only be removed" thing as fluff. Sure it is a slight advantage that some pixie...

It also doesn't allow the player to remove it when they want something better there instead. That's a serious disadvantage.

[AsmodeusUltima]

The flavor text in this case is meant to give a clue as to the original creator's intention, not the only use the item might be put to. I in no way was intending to imply that it was only useful when facing fey, but rather give the reader the idea from the start that it was created for that purpose first and foremost. Background information, nothing more. Again, I had the room, so why not? I understand dinging for flavor text if the item needed more clarity and the words were 'wasted' but if everything else that needs to be said has been said, I find it silly to condemn an item because it includes a bit of fun flavor that is not strictly 'necessary'.

As for not allowing the user to upgrade, I would urge you to reread that section: the item may be removed upon the user's death or by the bearer's own hand. In other words the bearer may remove it themselves at any time, but if anyone else wants to remove it they will have to kill him first.

[Dale McCoy Jr]

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

Again, I had the room, so why not?

It detracted from your entry. Your entry needed work, but that bit of flavor text not only did not help but hindered your entry.

The goal of a 200 word cap is to encourage brevity, not playing the price is right with wordcount (going as close as you can without going over). By adding in needless words when elegance is desired, your entry lowered itself, had your entry not already had an autoreject, further away from the top entries.

[Maurice de Mare]

DMcCoy1693 wrote:

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

Again, I had the room, so why not?

It detracted from your entry. Your entry needed work, but that bit of flavor text not only did not help but hindered your entry.

I think most of what we've said is a duplicate of what can be found here.

[AsmodeusUltima]

Oh I agree that my item was probably too Spell-in-a-Can and Swiss Army Knife, and I would seriously be interested to hear people's take on the pricing; that was probably the hardest part for me and I still do not know if the price I decided on was appropriate! It probably also fits another category that was not listed on that thread, the So Niche You Would Only Want It For One Specific Adventure category (similar but not quite the same as The Item That Solves A Problem That Heroes Don't Have and The Plot Hook Disguised as an Item). I just do not believe a single sentence counts as Overdone Backstory. I truly appreciate you gentlemen taking the time to give me your opinions however, even if I do not agree with them 100%. ;)

Still hoping to eventually get Clark's feedback. Other than that, thank you again DMcCoy1693 and Darkjoy and I will just have to tighten the screws for next year's contest!

[HedLeeman]

AsmodeusUltima wrote:

I just do not believe a single sentence counts as Overdone Backstory.

I don't think they are saying it's an overdone backstory. What they're saying is it's unnecessary and distracting. You aren't saying why the creator made the item, but why YOU made the item. Some people would make one of these to deal with other beings, more people would be afraid of a Nighthag than faeries and would make this item for protection against one (Albeit I haven't check to see if they are in the SRD). Saying that it was made for protection against fey will confuse people as to other things it does.

The flavor there just seems too forced. If I say "This is good against faeries." people will say "Oh, okay. I don't plan on fighting those lets see what else you have for sale." Drop the first sentence and it becomes simply "This brilliant green gem was crafted to aid against the darkest of dreams." which sounds much more interesting and actually has relevant information. The flavor text should be relevant to use and/or looks.

You want a Good first sentence especially if you have the flavor text. Looking at it the way you posted I had the initial impression of, "fey, dreams? I know they use the sleep spell but what fey use Nightmare, or other dream altering spells?" If you weren't asking for feedback I would have stopped looking and moved past that one in whatever book it may have been in.

After that I see bonuses versus enchantment "ok sure fey use enchantment but it is fairly common as spell types go"

I see untroubled sleep and I say "what exactly does that mean other than immune to Nightmare, do loud noises no longer wake me up? am I now a heavy sleeper vulnerable to rogues and assassins? does this mean I can sleep easy in heavy armor?"

I see faerie fire and I say "sucks to be any invisible enemy"

Then ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN it's a druid item that gives wildshape extra seemingly random uses, none of which are targeted towards fey or fey-like abilities at all, and they take the focus off of the first ability set. It goes from mediocre highly specific item to druid utility belt. They have nothing to do with the previous abilities (except maybe true seeing), and they have nothing to do with the forced flavor.

Then I see the price and my head explodes... (much rather get +4 to ALL saves or +4 armor or +4 to a stat.....)

[Clark Peterson]

OK, maybe now I can get to some of these :)

Ugh, I gotta go back and find where I left off. A little help, anyone?

Clark

[Set]

Your last response was regarding the Amulet of Discord, midway down page 2 (although you threw in a comment about the Flourishing Rose Petals, out of order, in the middle somewhere).

Next should be the Gloves of Kindling, if I'm not mistaken.

[Ryan Marsh]

Huzzah! He still lives!

[thefishcometh]

Okay, in order to make your job easier, I've compiled a list of submissions from where you left off. Hopefully I didn't miss any. In hindsight, I probably should have marked the name of whoever submitted what. I would go back and fix that problem, but I'm afraid my eyes will spontaneously begin to bleed. Click the spoiler if you want a big@$$ list:

Spoiler:

Nethersight Torch
Eibom’s Ineffable Headstone
Cloak of the Winter Walker
CAULDRON OF BLOOD
Nix's Chalk of Endless Ways
SHACKLES OF SUBMISSION
EYE OF FIRE
Abacus of Uncanny Calculations (wonders if submitted)
MUSIC BOX OF LANDSCAPES
Rouge of Venomous Vengeance (done?)
Celestial Starstone
Unity Knots
Fiend Slayers’ Tome
ARCHER'S EYEPATCH
Cloak of Deception
Orb of Acquiescence
Mannikin of Bilocation
BEDROLL OF RESTFUL SLEEP
Mantle of Subterfuge
Devotion of Fire and Ice
PHARASMA’S REPRIEVE
Berserker’s Battle Trophy
Eyes of Fear and Fire
FRONDEUR'S FLUTE OF ILL REPUTE
Monster’s Siren
Torc of the Stygian Imp
CROWN OF THE ILLITHID
Third Eye of the Bard
Parliament of Rooks
Veil of the Dead
Brain Plate
CLINGING CALTROPS
Witching Watcher
FOOTLIGHTS OF THE EIDOLIC ENSEMBLE
Mortal Receiver
Bracers of the Hermit
ENCHANTER'S VEIL
Mohrg Tongue Cocktail
OLD PROVIDENCE
Effigy of Lost Souls
Marble of Seeing (Around Corners)
HELM OF IRON ORDER
THE BONE METRONOME
Figurine of Wondrous Power, Iron Tiger
Iron Requiem
Khalil’s Gift of Freedom
Rogue’s Rouge (Elora)
Dove’s Quarrel
VESTMENTS OF THE UNSEEN PRIESTHOOD
Revenant Choker
Jaws of the Winter Wolf
Prolific Coffer of Plenty
Bells of the Horse Lords
Manacles of the Submissive Prisoner
Stone of Savior's Deliverance
Birthstone Pendant
Bloodbark Bracers
CANE OF YOUTHFUL VIGOR
SPELLSHARE BRACELETS
Hunter's Nosepiece (I think that's the name. This one’s mine, but was lost in the warp)
RIBBON OF DISJUNCTION
Mask Of Arcane Secrets
Shard of the Verdant Heart
“LEFTIE”
Whisk of the Saucerer
BRACERS OF THE IRON LORD
Rogue's Deck
MALLEABLE CORPUS
Gloves of the Puppeteer
Headband of Sixth sense
Reins of the Horse Lords
Djellaba of the Blue Lotus
Earrings of the Frozen North
Tatto[o]ed Rod
STUDY AID
DEATH MASK
Hoop of Holding
BRIDLE OF HEROISM
Pathfinder’s Handyman
SHROUDS OF THE ANCIENT
Belt of Beckon Elemental Changeling
DISTORTION HARNESS
Flourishing Rose Petals
Medusa’s Charm
Choker of the Midnight Lord
Crystal Orb of the Suffering Thoog
Bailey’s Bracers
Elixir of Soothing Slumber
NIGHT GUARD
Apocrypha Scarab
Arbitrator's Lamp
Blood Leech Choker
Trainer’s Manual
Orb of Possessions
Bard’s Army Sack
Mertzer’s Marvelous Minnow
RAGE FETISH
Sanative Shroud
FAOLAN’S RESURGENT ACORNS
Bracelet of Hand Detachment
Mercurio’s Bells
Duellers Polishing Cloth (done)
Alchemist’s Hookah
Pendent of the Five Claws
SOVEREIGN SIGIL

If I missed any, point them out. Now I have to go to bed...

[Kyr]

thefishcometh wrote:

Okay, in order to make your job easier, I've compiled a list of submissions from where you left off. Hopefully I didn't miss any. In hindsight, I probably should have marked the name of whoever submitted what. I would go back and fix that problem, but I'm afraid my eyes will spontaneously begin to bleed. Click the spoiler if you want a big@$$ list:

My item didn't make your list.

I assume an error of omission - however if my item sucked so hard that it is unworthy of inclusion that would be good feedback as well:

Item: Rogue's Deck
Submitted by: Kyr
Page 5 of the thread

I know why I was auto rejected but I would like feedback on the item.

[Mike Welham]

Set wrote:

Your last response was regarding the Amulet of Discord, midway down page 2 (although you threw in a comment about the Flourishing Rose Petals, out of order, in the middle somewhere).

Next should be the Gloves of Kindling, if I'm not mistaken.

Sorry, Clark (and everyone else!) for causing you to despair after seeing my entry. :)

[Dale McCoy Jr]

If you don't mind, I'll take a go at this, at least until Clark can review it.

Kyr wrote:

Rogue's Deck

Interesting name. Descriptive, gives me a sense of the item. I wouldn't call it a geek-gasm worthy name, but its good nonetheless.

Kyr wrote:

Aura Weak illusion; CL 5th ... Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, magic missile, prestidigitation;

I'm wondering why this aura with these spells. Magic missile is evocation and prestidigitation is a universal spell. And why 5th level. A wizard can have these at CL 1. He'd need a 3 to have the feat, but still. This probably got you an auto-reject.

Kyr wrote:

These enchanted decks of playing cards grant those lucky enough to possess them with the ability to perform a vast array of card tricks (including tricks that would be impossible with a conventional deck).

Cool description, but it doesn't tell me much. While a normal deck of card here on earth has 52 cards, is that true in a D&D/PFRPG fantasy world? If anything, Golarion has a harrow deck, which isn't the same. But you didn't mention if it was specifickly harrow or otherwise. What do the cards look like, etc.

Kyr wrote:

Rogue's Decks grant their users a +10 bonus with regard to perform checks using card tricks. Further, Rogue's Decks allow users with ranks in perform to make perform checks with the deck as if their ranks were in the perform style "card tricks."

Above, you said that it allows the user to "perform a vast array of card tricks". Like what? While it grants a skill bonus, I don't see any explaination as to what you can otherwise do. Plus, I am not familiar with Perform (card tricks). Its not in the list of Perform techniques in the PFRPG Beta book. While I'm all for new variations, a magic item is not the place to create one. Additionally, I do not see anything in the creation requirements that could help create this.

Kyr wrote:

In addition, users of a Rogue's Deck can throw a card or cards at targets as weapons. Thrown cards fly towards and strike targets in precisely the same fashion as missiles generated by a magic missile spell save that cards inflict only 1 point of damage. For the purpose of determining the number of missiles, range, and other variables the effective caster level is equal to one half the user's ranks in perform. Cards thrown are never damaged and reappear in the deck as soon as they make impact.

Here's where your item gets fiddley. "precisely the same fashion as missiles generated by a magic missile spell" reads to me like spell-in-a-can. Its different enough and thematic enough that it is cool, but I'm not really buying it. Plus, it also reads to me like Gambit from X-Men. I'm all for ripping off ideas, but it needs to have an original twist on it. I'm not seeing any new twist on it. Unanswered questions: How many times can you do this before it runs out (if it runs out)? How many different targets can you throw the cards at per round? While you kind of answered it with the above quote, it should be spelled out and now make the user reference the spell. Can you sneak attack with this?

Kyr wrote:

Cost 27,000 gp.

You have the construction cost the same as the sell cost. Auto-reject. Plus its expensive for something that does 1 point of damage. While the obvious point is the +10 skill bonus, the damage is disproportionately low.

[Andrew Black]

Clark,

One of the best parts about being invoved with RPG Superstar last year was reading good critical feed back from the judges both on other contestents entires as well as my own. This year I didn't make the initial cut and was glad to see that you were going to do this thread to give all of us a chance to gain that same feed back this time. Kudos to you for taking on such an overwhelming task willingly. I am sure you have been streched thin with all the great entries this year, this thread, other projects, and of course the real world. I hope you'll have a chance to grant me some of your wisdom on my entry for this years contest, but completely understand if you don't have the time. If you should find the time, give it to me straight...the good and especially the bad. Thanks again.

BRACERS OF THE BLOOD LORDS
Aura moderate evocation [evil]; CL 9th
Slot hands; 55,000 gp; weight 1 lbs.

DESCRIPTION
The Blood Lords of Ged commission these bracers to aid their agents who enforce the Dead Laws. The bracers are made of intricately worked brass emblazoned with necromantic runes depicting an evil ritual. The wearer gains a +3 deflection bonus to AC and a +3 resistance bonus against the attacks and effects of good creatures. As a full round action the wearer may invoke the ritual inscribed on the bracers causing disruptive pulses of negative energy to radiate out in a 50 ft. radius. The pulsating will continue for each round the wearer chants. While chanting the wearer can not move or take any other actions. The DC to resist positive channeled energy is reduced by -5 within the area affected by the negative pulse. Undead creatures do not take damage and living creatures are not healed by positive energy channeled from within the area of the disruption.

CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, unhallow, creator must have the channel negative energy ability, creator must have 5 ranks in Craft: metalworking; 27,500 gp

[Dale McCoy Jr]

MythrilDragon wrote:

BRACERS OF THE BLOOD LORDS

I know you wanted Clark's feedback, but I couldn't help myself. Your item is a thing of beauty and I would not be surprised if it was one of the pile of 60-some that the judges needed to wien down to 32. My only question on it is why does the craftor need ranks in metalworking? can't a master craftsman make the item and give it to the enchantor to caste unhallow?

[Clark Peterson]

thefishcometh wrote:

Okay, in order to make your job easier, I've compiled a list of submissions from where you left off. Hopefully I didn't miss any. In hindsight, I probably should have marked the name of whoever submitted what. I would go back and fix that problem, but I'm afraid my eyes will spontaneously begin to bleed. Click the spoiler if you want a big@$$ list:

Thanks for the list! I'm going to go from that. Whew. You just saved me a ton of work.

You also kinda freaked me out and made me realize just how many I still have to do... :)

Clark

[Clark Peterson]

OK, here we go...

[Clark Peterson]

Nethersight Torch

Some thought it was just a pumped up see invisible in a can that helps your friends (spell in a can). Others thought it was useful but uninspired. All agreed it was not Superstar. And at least one judge noted that it reminded us of last year’s Torch of Solidity, which was awesome–and this one was not awesome. No doubt this one is good enough for a book of magic items. Just needs to go to the next level.

[Clark Peterson]

Eibom’s Ineffable Headstone

The other two had big issues with this giving out class abilities and called that a “classic design mistake.” All of us had problems with the poorly detailed and explained abilites. Many unanswered questions. I, on the other hand, posted the following:

“This one isnt an auto-reject for me, despite its handing out of class abilities because it does so in a much more focused and very limited way. Its not a "slap on these glasses and become a rogue!" kind of item. I actually kind of like the flavor of this item. I'm going to have to think about this one. What I dont like is the "hit points for charges" mechanic.”

I then later agreed to reject this, but made this comment:

“I bow to the will of my fellow judges, but note that I found it interesting if mechanically flawed.”