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Dear Ask a Shoanti:
A caravan of Varisians is squatting in my hunting grounds. Should I eradicate them myself or just wait for the neighboring tribe of bugbears to do it?
Sincere Regards,
Confused on the Storval
Dear Confused on the Storval:
Neither. Wait for the bugbears to attack. Then, as soon as the Varisians inevitably wet themselves, swoop in and kill all the bugbears. (Do it with your off-hand if you need a better workout.) Then suggest to the Varisians that they move off to a land more agreeable to their delicate nature. Wherever they go, they will speak of your deeds. Don’t forget: Varisians are good for something.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
What do you think of the new PRPG rage points? Will I be disadvantaged if I cannot do calculus or advanced trigonometry. . . or count higher than the number of fingers on my hand?
Sincere Regards,
Calculator-less in the Cinderlands
Dear Calculator-less in the Cinderlands:
Absolutely not. Having play-tested the new PRPG personally, I can assure you that it works just fine. Under the new system, simply rage as much as you want. Should the DM suggest that you are out of rage points, proceed as follows. First, look at the rectangular piece of paper in front of you and frown. Second, advise the DM that you appear to have many “Kick DM’s A$$” points left. The game will proceed smoothly.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
I enjoy collecting Hellknights. Should I stack their armored corpses in piles or spread them out like a carpet?
Sincere Regards,
Collecting North of the Storval Rise
Dear Collecting North of the Storval Rise:
This is a complex question, the answer for which depends on the season. In spring, adorn your front lawn with a tactful spread of the Order of the God Claw. But be sure to dispose of them by summer. In the fall, good taste is satisfied by liberally sprinkling your home with the Order of the Nail. Spruce it up by mixing in some Order of the Scourge if you want to send the message that you enjoy travel.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
This...is...awesome! (Say it like Leonidas. :D )
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
My patron wishes me to offer my services to a Shoanti tribe. Which do you think is more impressive, a fertility rite or a destructive rampage?
Confused in Varisia
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
My patron wishes me to offer my services to a Shoanti tribe. Which do you think is more impressive, a fertility rite or a destructive rampage?
Confused in Varisia
Dear Confused in Varisia:
First, let me say that your patron is clearly a classy individual. In answer to your question, I have canvassed my colleagues and while there was a clear appreciation for both, I would have to go with destructive rampage, particularly in light of the approaching holiday season. Perhaps you could combine the two with a light wine sauce.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
Who are your most important leaders, spiritual and otherwise, and where are they to be found?
We want to send them... a couple of nice presents. With our Chelaxian Compliments.
Dear Jarod Darkblade:
While all Shoanti are of the utmost importance to their tribe, each tribe is lead by a war-chief called a Jothka and the seven Quah are each, in turn, lead by a Quah-Jothka. Of course, the shaman that guide each tribe are also of essential import as they counsel the Shoanti in their individual connections with their spirit totems. All are easily found across or near the Storval Plateau.
While there are few items of Chelaxian make that are sought out by the proud peoples of the Storval, I will confess the Shoanti do have an appreciation for Magnimar grain.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
P.S. You and your friends are welcome anytime. . .
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
I will be feasting with the Skoan-Quah this coming weekend and would hate to make a gaffe. Do I re-use the salad fork with the main course?
Sincere Regards,
Frustrated by Tines
Dear Frustrated by Tines,
No, proper etiquette demands that the salad fork be embedded in the head of an adversary before the conclusion of appetizers. Use the one just to the left. Enjoy your feast – I hear the Auroch is wonderful this time of year.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear ask a Shoanti,
are you a Shoanti?
Dear Obvious:
Yes.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear ask a Shoanti,
I am putting together a holy Crusade against the heretics at Burgermills and I just realized that my Sacred Warriors are a bit understaffed after my last holy Crusade against the McManicheans. I was wondering if Shoanti ever hire out as paid mercenaries?
Sincerely,
Rajneesh 'Big Stevie' Zimmerman, MegaPope and CEO of Church and Munch™ LLC
Dear Sirs and Madams,
Are you satisfied with the way you are? You shouldn't be. Me and my very capable staff of Genomancers might not be able to help you, but we will be able to help your children. Don't let your progeny share your flaws.
Contact us today!
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Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Are the Shoanti also proud to protect the weak from the wicked and strive daily to make the world a better place? Because doing that is SO AWESOME! You should try it. You totally should.
Greetings from
Captain Ice Cream Croissant -
Defender of the Downtrodden,
Smiter of Nasty People,
Rescuer of Puppies and Kittens,
Archnemesis of Naughtyness,
And So On And So Forth
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
My party's Paladin and Cleric keep monopolizing the frontlines and insiting on "protecting me" just because I'm the party's wizard, even when time and time again I keep proving myself to be just as reliable in the frontlines as the Paladin (if not more). Usually I wouldn't care except for the fact that the Cleric is my wife, not only I'm the man in the relationship, I'm also a necromancer, I have a reputation to worry about. Should I kill the Paladin? Or would it be better to start relaxing in combat and let them get knocked out the next few hostile encounters before jumping in to show them metal armor isn't an absolute requirement to be in the front lines?
Regards.
Sleepless in Sandpoint.
Dear ask a Shoanti,
I am putting together a holy Crusade against the heretics at Burgermills and I just realized that my Sacred Warriors are a bit understaffed after my last holy Crusade against the McManicheans. I was wondering if Shoanti ever hire out as paid mercenaries?
Sincerely,
Rajneesh 'Big Stevie' Zimmerman, MegaPope and CEO of Church and Munch™ LLC
Dear Rajneesh 'Big Stevie' Zimmerman, MegaPope and CEO of Church and Munch™ LLC:
While individual Shoanti who travel afar have been known to hire themselves out for mercantile-military pursuits, this is an exception as opposed to a rule. As a tribe or Quah, the Shoanti are simply not for hire.
But despair not Pope! I hear the Burgermills are soft around the bun, if you know what I mean. I am confident for your victory. I can’t possibly condone this, but were your Sacred Warriors to don themselves with fake Shoanti tattoos and pretend to wield, say earthbreakers, your foes would flee from the field like half-flumph goblins with the wimp template sheltering their final hit point.
I am envious of your coming battle. May you make the Azghat proud,
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
I live in a little cottage in the woods, built over one of the many Seals of Tar-Baphon. Every night, voices whisper to me to open the Seal. What should I do?
Yours,
Shanda Sage
Dear Shanda Sage:
What an intolerable situation. You have endured that constant chattering for far too long! I would immediately rip out the floorboards and let that seal out. Next, knock that seal over the head; you deserve a good meal. Finally, I would track down this seal-keeper, Tar-Baphon was it? Planting seals under other people’s cottages and disrupting their hard-earned sleep is an unacceptable behaviour. Give him a piece of your mind – then give him an even bigger piece of your klar.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Are the Shoanti also proud to protect the weak from the wicked and strive daily to make the world a better place? Because doing that is SO AWESOME! You should try it. You totally should.
Greetings from
Captain Ice Cream Croissant
Dear Captain Ice Cream Croissant:
I admire your focus and keen sense of purpose. Hopefully protecting the weak gives you numerous opportunities to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
Especially orcs. It takes a serious rampage to get any half-decent lamentations out of orc women.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
My party's Paladin and Cleric keep monopolizing the frontlines and insisting on "protecting me" just because I'm the party's wizard, even when time and time again I keep proving myself to be just as reliable in the frontlines as the Paladin (if not more). Usually I wouldn't care except for the fact that the Cleric is my wife, not only I'm the man in the relationship, I'm also a necromancer, I have a reputation to worry about. Should I kill the Paladin? Or would it be better to start relaxing in combat and let them get knocked out the next few hostile encounters before jumping in to show them metal armor isn't an absolute requirement to be in the front lines?
Regards.
Sleepless in Sandpoint.
Dear Sleepless in Sandpoint:
Your true problem lies in the absence of foes strong enough to challenge the party (a chronic condition often referred to as EL-subtitis). When you are beset on all sides, it will no longer matter who stands in front, only who is standing at all. But worry not, I see stone giants in your future.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
A steady diet of mammoth flesh and cheese has left me a bit bound up. I spoke with my tribe's shaman of Minderhal and he recommended fasting, followed by a meal of spoiled yak, rotten cabbage, and fresh grapes. I really hate grapes. Do you have any suggestions?
Gruntingly Yours,
A Constipated Stone Giant
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I hang out with these two guys who claim to be Shoanti, but I’m not so sure.
One of them has tattoos, but wears long hair and a beard; the other has a shaved head, but no tattoos.
Are they on the level?
Regards,
Suspicious in Sandpoint
Dear AaS,
Some time ago, I ruled over a large estate which employed many servants who were excellent at doing things for me. I have a feeling that your ancestors may have even been among the most skilled. In the recent years, my holdings have significantly dwindled both in size and stature and I wish to recapture some of my former way of life. What do you think is the easiest way for me to get some Shoanti to help out about the house? I'm not really into searching for hirelings, but if you can suggest a way to get them to come to me (and then never leave) I would certainly appreciate it.
How about you? I see a bright future in gardening for one as bright as you! Whaddaya say?!
Lazily,
Haruka Hiring (Apply Within)
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Doesn't living on the endless wastes of the Storval Plateau drive you mad? Because I lived there for a hundred years one month, and.
I'm obviously sane, but not everyone is as resilient as me.
Some nutjobs here even claim that fire is not blue. Lunatics.
Yours
Me (if you know who I am, contact me and let me know)
ssoYeaK ylurT sruoY doohruobhgien eht ni m'I ?esruc evomer tsac snamahs ruoy oD .gnorw era etirw I srettel eht wohemoS .dnuof ev'I lliuq desruc siht htiw gnorw s'gnihtemoS ,itnaohS a ksa raeD
Dear Smurf a Shoanti,
Don't you smurf the smurfing Order-Smurfing Smurfers of Cheliax, too?
We in Galt prefer not to be smurfed around. Do you agree to this smurfment?
Yours Smurfy
Anarchy Smurf
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I feel un-confortable with the pop culture phenomena that the honored Earthbreaker is becomming. Even Cheliaxians and Orc-breeds are now parading around with hugly and/or city-made replicas.
Should the Shoanti be proud of this recognition of the superiority of our craftmanship or should we reclaim our heritage and squash those disrectpecting fools with their own Earthbreakers?
What do you think?
FeelS Like Crushing
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Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Hi!
Well i recently arrived to Sandpoint with a friend i found in the way, our general idea was not to stay in the town, just to solve a few problems and continue in our way.
But now thinks have changed, i have married my companion (our party wizard/necromancer who is called "Shadow" by the people of the town) people keep relying on us, asking for our help against a goblin attack. I am a Cleric of Iomedae, so i shouldbe in the forefront of the defense... then why are we sent to assassinate their leather? is there Justice in that? what should i do i my husband animates their bodies?
Naive in Sandpoint
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Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I am sad to see you do not hire out as mercenaries. Do you often go on holy crusades ?
We have quite a few qadiran evil doers just over the frontier, normally we keep them as our own playthings, but really, these are things we are willing to share with the rest of the world to promote our culture.
Let me know if you are interested.
Bored in Absalom.
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
A steady diet of mammoth flesh and cheese has left me a bit bound up. I spoke with my tribe's shaman of Minderhal and he recommended fasting, followed by a meal of spoiled yak, rotten cabbage, and fresh grapes. I really hate grapes. Do you have any suggestions?
Gruntingly Yours,
A Constipated Stone Giant
Dear Constipated Stone Giant:
Yes I do. Buck up and eat your grapes.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I hang out with these two guys who claim to be Shoanti, but I’m not so sure.
One of them has tattoos, but wears long hair and a beard; the other has a shaved head, but no tattoos.
Are they on the level?
Regards,
Suspicious in Sandpoint
Dear Suspicious in Sandpoint:
True Shoanti should be immediately identifiable by their 10-foot aura of cool. They are the ayatollahs of rock’n’rolla.
Here, as you note, these two gentlemen have a sense of fashion which is in question. Try suggesting that the three of you rise early for the razing of Korvosa. He who flinches is an imposter.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear AaS,
Some time ago, I ruled over a large estate which employed many servants who were excellent at doing things for me. I have a feeling that your ancestors may have even been among the most skilled. In the recent years, my holdings have significantly dwindled both in size and stature and I wish to recapture some of my former way of life. What do you think is the easiest way for me to get some Shoanti to help out about the house? I'm not really into searching for hirelings, but if you can suggest a way to get them to come to me (and then never leave) I would certainly appreciate it.
How about you? I see a bright future in gardening for one as bright as you! Whaddaya say?!
Lazily,
Haruka Hiring (Apply Within)
Dear Haruka Hiring:
A tempting offer. You certainly have to respect anyone whose primary decor motto is “if it ain’t uber colossal, it ain’t big enough”. I anticipate I would decorate your foyer with a tower-sized centerpiece of Chelaxian skull shards. However, at this late stage I fear aspirations for a second career would detract from my calling as a violent advice columnist.
Please accept my condolences for the reduction in your estate holdings. Earthfall’s a be-yatch.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Doesn't living on the endless wastes of the Storval Plateau drive you mad? Because I lived there for a hundred years one month, and.
I'm obviously sane, but not everyone is as resilient as me.
Some nutjobs here even claim that fire is not blue. Lunatics.
Yours
Me (if you know who I am, contact me and let me know)
Dear Me:
The Storval does indeed harden a man. Its wilderness is a cruel taskmaster that leaves my brothers and sisters battle-ready at the earliest of ages. Yet, I would not trade its beauty for all the world. Indeed, I intend to defend it to the grave.
I suppose then, that in that sense, the plateau has driven me mad – mad with passion for my homeland. The answer to your question is “Yes”.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
ssoYeaK ylurT sruoY doohruobhgien eht ni m'I ?esruc evomer tsac snamahs ruoy oD .gnorw era etirw I srettel eht wohemoS .dnuof ev'I lliuq desruc siht htiw gnorw s'gnihtemoS ,itnaohS a ksa raeD
reaD :ssoYeaK
etaretilli. ma I niaga, nehT em. Ot enif tsuj kool srettel ruoY
,ylurt yrev sruoY
itnaohS a ksA
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I feel un-confortable with the pop culture phenomena that the honored Earthbreaker is becomming. Even Cheliaxians and Orc-breeds are now parading around with hugly and/or city-made replicas.
Should the Shoanti be proud of this recognition of the superiority of our craftmanship or should we reclaim our heritage and squash those disrectpecting fools with their own Earthbreakers?
What do you think?
FeelS Like Crushing
Dear Feels Like Crushing:
While I reject the broader proposition that we somehow require an actual reason to squash Chelaxians and orc-breeds, I readily concede that yours is a most-excellent one. Commence crushing with all due speed.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Hi!
Well i recently arrived to Sandpoint with a friend i found in the way, our general idea was not to stay in the town, just to solve a few problems and continue in our way.
But now thinks have changed, i have married my companion (our party wizard/necromancer who is called "Shadow" by the people of the town) people keep relying on us, asking for our help against a goblin attack. I am a Cleric of Iomedae, so i shouldbe in the forefront of the defense... then why are we sent to assassinate their leather? is there Justice in that? what should i do i my husband animates their bodies?Naive in Sandpoint
Dear Naive in Sandpoint:
The assassination of leather is beneath you and will reflect poorly on your proud deity. If you seek to slay an article of clothing, challenge it straight up, and be confident in your ability and strength to win the battle. I believe in you.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
P.S. Be careful with the buttons.
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I am sad to see you do not hire out as mercenaries. Do you often go on holy crusades ?
We have quite a few qadiran evil doers just over the frontier, normally we keep them as our own playthings, but really, these are things we are willing to share with the rest of the world to promote our culture.
Let me know if you are interested.
Bored in Absalom.
Dear Bored in Absalom:
I like to think that almost everything the Shoanti do is part of a longstanding holy crusade; a holy war for the reclamation of our lands. It is kind of you to share your enemies and it speaks well of your character.
I regret I am unfamiliar with “Qadiran” but I certainly am familiar with evil doers. I promise to look into it the very next time my brothers and I travel south to burn the nation of Taldor to ashes.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
I tell you, he's a phony.
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
A Reliable Source tells me that you're a phony. Is this really true? Do your tribal tattoos come off when rubbed with a wet wash cloth? Is your earth breaker really just a normal warhammer with some spikes glued on? Is your klar made of papier-mâché? Do you wear a skin-wig for the head? It is said that you never saw the Cinderlands.
Please answer these disturbing accusations!
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Is it true that when first they emerged from under the earth, the dwarves were tall and lean, but then they annoyed the Shoanti, who witnessed their emergence, so the shoanti hit them over the head with their earth breakers, resulting in the dwarves' current form?
My kindest regards
Kae'Yoss
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
A messenger from a rival quah arrived yesterday, announcing his chief would be coming to visit. Despite our differences, I prepared a feast for my guest following the recipe of our shaman (my mother's father). Wearing only a loincloth, I walked into the Cinderlands and wrestled the largest aurochs I could find for hours until finally breaking its neck with my bare hands.
I then carried the beast back to our camp where I mixed its blood with fermented milk to create a delightful punch. I then cleaned the aurochs and roasted it in a deep pit filled with heated stones, sand, and some ashes of my ancestors. On the day of the feast, the tastiest organs were ground up, spiced, and boiled in the creature’s own fresh intestines since no feast is complete without a complementary dessert.
After eating of the meal, our guest, the rival chief, said that the aurochs tasted like burnt scrub rat, the dessert like the feces of an elderly mule, and the punch reminded him of the weak urine of a Korvosan.
After I beat him to death with the still smoldering skull of the aurochs, something occurred to me.
Since tradition demands I must now marry his daughter, must I marry the eldest daughter or can I choose from among all of his daughters? My first wife and I much prefer the second daughter who shows exemplary strength and wisdom.
And if I must ask for the hand of the eldest, is the second daughter still allowed to fight her for the right to the marriage (as my first wife did) or does the tradition of Rosz (killing a guest who insults a meal made according to a shaman’s directions with a remnant of that meal) supersede her claim to engagement by combat?
Thank you for your time and answers.
Yours in pride,
Partially Sage in Rosz Marrying Time
P.S. Your uncle fought and died well. We look forward to having you as a guest at the wedding.
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After eating of the meal, our guest, the rival chief, said that the aurochs tasted like burnt scrub rat, the dessert like the feces of an elderly mule, and the punch reminded him of the weak urine of a Korvosan.
I heard that was the greatest compliment to Shoanti Cuisine. Maybe not in every Quah? See, those cultural differences can be killer.
For example, "aargh!" means "more seething oil on my crotch!" in polyglot. It is known.
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After eating of the meal, our guest, the rival chief, said that the aurochs tasted like burnt scrub rat, the dessert like the feces of an elderly mule, and the punch reminded him of the weak urine of a Korvosan.I heard that was the greatest compliment to Shoanti Cuisine. Maybe not in every Quah? See, those cultural differences can be killer.
For example, "aargh!" means "more seething oil on my crotch!" in polyglot. It is known.
apparently that particular Quah jsut decided to take it literal to ebable to murder the great leader :P
such a coward's actions
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
As a Cheliaxan of noble descent, I wonder why we are hated so much by your kind. Can't we get along? I realize that you may have hard feelings about the wholesale slaughter of your people and the subsequent conquest of your ancestral lands by our invincible armies. However, these things are all the inevitable byproducts of our hyper aggressive imperialist tendencies and cannot be helped.
As a matter of fact, I would assume that you unwashed natives would be overjoyed to become a part of our great empire. I'm sure you would understand this if you could see my favorite slave Voris. I have never seen someone so happy in my life. The expression on his face when I had his tongue removed - priceless. Always smiling and cheerful, he could serve as an inspiration for you uneducated types; too bad his body is so broken that he would simply die from exposure. I probably should have rationed my whippings to increase his mileage, but I digress.
What I want to say is: why deny the inevitable? Welcome us with open arms and allow us to build our cities near whatever natural resources you may be squatting us. Then, become our submissive, obedient slaves and live happily ever after. As a matter of fact, if you would agree to be my slave, I promise to only whip you once a day instead of three times a day like I did to Voris. I'm pretty experienced at this whole slave-owning thing and my slaves tend to last for a good five years or so before having to be replaced. I promise that those five years will be the happiest, most carefree years of your life. You wouldn't be burdened by cumbersome freedom and I will make all your decisions for you. What more could you ask for?
Think about it.
My best regards,
Will Soon Need Another Slave In Cheliax
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
Up until not long ago people still feared me and left me alone, except in the occasional village where they raised torches and pitchforks at me for "practicing the black arts", accusations I dismissed promptly by killing them and letting them stay dead instead of reanimating their bodies.
However, after incidentally saving this backwater town suddenly all people loves me and give me flowers and romantic proposals in spite of my constant efforts to scare them into psychiatric trauma one citizen at a time. Recently I got married, and still I keep attracting the attentions of people from pre-pubescent girls to the party's bard which lately has developed an interest in necromancy and the negative plane somehow, which is particularly strange when our party has a paladin and he should be the one warranting all this unrequited attention.
How do you deal with all your admirers? Should I raze the town a couple of times? Or should I just relax myself and start talking to my wife about polygamy?
Regards.
Sleepless in Sandpoint.