Dear Ask A Shoanti,
All I want is a little cuddle.
Why do the humans, elves, dwarves, bears, dragons, firepelts, horses, tojanidas, dryads, and badgers all run so fast?
I thought that I would at least have a chance with the dragons.
Signed,
Randy near Rannick
apparently that particular Quah jsut decided to take it literal to ebable to murder the great leader :Psuch a coward's actions
Underhanded, yes. Not necessarily cowardly, though. Cowardly would mean getting others to kill him. He did it himself.
And underhanded is a sure sign of intelligence. Go, Shoanti!
How do you deal with all your admirers? Should I raze the town a couple of times? Or should I just relax myself and start talking to my wife about polygamy?
I think Calistria and Urgathoa will get along just fine.
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I think Calistria and Urgathoa will get along just fine.
How do you deal with all your admirers? Should I raze the town a couple of times? Or should I just relax myself and start talking to my wife about polygamy?
i don't think my grandmother agrees inher godess getting that much along with Urgothoa... ok maybe at times...
still... i serve Ioemdae, not my grandmother's faith
Dear Ask a Shoanti
Why?
Regards
Deep Thoughts
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
Once again the holiday season is here. And so are my in-laws unfortunately.
Every Christmas my mother in law insults my cooking, and makes disparaging comments about my career (I'm an Emu farmer.)She truly makes the holidays a living hell. Every time I try to bring up the subject in a non-confrontational manner she spits clam juice in my face and says rude things about my dog's sexual orientation.
My father in law is even worse. every Christmas he drinks too much egg-nog and mistakes my bedroom for the Bathroom. Last Christmas eve, I found him defecating in the corner of my room at 3 in the morning. And when I asked him to stop he called me a socialist and spit clam juice in my face. I'm beginning to feel like they really don't respect me.
Ask, I'm at my wit's end here. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
well, I would sleep with my mouth closed for starters
Due to the untimely introduction of a middleman, Ask a Shoanti has discovered that the pricing had changed on his wholesale slaughter. He has left to execute a resolution in a summary fashion. He regrets that this will temporarily delay his supportive role as a violent advice columnist. Please standby while we display a primitive test pattern.
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
A Reliable Source tells me that you're a phony. Is this really true? Do your tribal tattoos come off when rubbed with a wet wash cloth? Is your earth breaker really just a normal warhammer with some spikes glued on? Is your klar made of papier-mâché? Do you wear a skin-wig for the head? It is said that you never saw the Cinderlands.
Please answer these disturbing accusations!
Dear Randal,
While a Shoanti is beholden to none and they need not waste their valued time in answering groundless accusations, I agree that a departure from this practice is warranted in this case. Please bring your source for a visit. I will see to it that the two of you have an opportunity to inspect my klar up close.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Is it true that when first they emerged from under the earth, the dwarves were tall and lean, but then they annoyed the Shoanti, who witnessed their emergence, so the shoanti hit them over the head with their earth breakers, resulting in the dwarves' current form?
My kindest regards
Kae'Yoss
Dear Kae’Yoss:
No, it is not.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
A messenger from a rival quah arrived yesterday, announcing his chief would be coming to visit. Despite our differences, I prepared a feast for my guest following the recipe of our shaman (my mother's father). Wearing only a loincloth, I walked into the Cinderlands and wrestled the largest aurochs I could find for hours until finally breaking its neck with my bare hands.
I then carried the beast back to our camp where I mixed its blood with fermented milk to create a delightful punch. I then cleaned the aurochs and roasted it in a deep pit filled with heated stones, sand, and some ashes of my ancestors. On the day of the feast, the tastiest organs were ground up, spiced, and boiled in the creature’s own fresh intestines since no feast is complete without a complementary dessert.
After eating of the meal, our guest, the rival chief, said that the aurochs tasted like burnt scrub rat, the dessert like the feces of an elderly mule, and the punch reminded him of the weak urine of a Korvosan.
After I beat him to death with the still smoldering skull of the aurochs, something occurred to me.
Since tradition demands I must now marry his daughter, must I marry the eldest daughter or can I choose from among all of his daughters? My first wife and I much prefer the second daughter who shows exemplary strength and wisdom.
And if I must ask for the hand of the eldest, is the second daughter still allowed to fight her for the right to the marriage (as my first wife did) or does the tradition of Rosz (killing a guest who insults a meal made according to a shaman’s directions with a remnant of that meal) supersede her claim to engagement by combat?
Thank you for your time and answers.
Yours in pride,
Partially Sage in Rosz Marrying Time
P.S. Your uncle fought and died well. We look forward to having you as a guest at the wedding.
Dear Partially Sage in Rosz Marrying Time:
Thank you for your entertaining slice-of-life tale. But I can’t help but note that Shoanti Quah’s have Jothkas, not chiefs. Is there any chance that you hang out with Elisile Starbrow?
Thank you also for the delightful invitation. I should warn you: I always (make others) cry (for mercy) at weddings.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
*blushing as she writes*
ok that was about the leader...what about our enemy's chain of command? should we confront it directly or use diverting tactits to distract them of our true objective?
Naive in Sandpoint
Dear Naive in Sandpoint:
Chain-wielding foes are dangerous. A chain further loaded with command spells would be all the more so. I urge caution. Your enemy can execute trip attacks from range and gain innumerable attacks of opportunity.
However, I have observed that spiked-chain wielders have a weakness for cheese. Exploit it. I recommend countering with the kusari-gama from the DMG, p.145. Bring two and take him cheddar for cheddar.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
As a Cheliaxan of noble descent, I wonder why we are hated so much by your kind. Can't we get along? I realize that you may have hard feelings about the wholesale slaughter of your people and the subsequent conquest of your ancestral lands by our invincible armies. However, these things are all the inevitable byproducts of our hyper aggressive imperialist tendencies and cannot be helped.
As a matter of fact, I would assume that you unwashed natives would be overjoyed to become a part of our great empire. I'm sure you would understand this if you could see my favorite slave Voris. I have never seen someone so happy in my life. The expression on his face when I had his tongue removed - priceless. Always smiling and cheerful, he could serve as an inspiration for you uneducated types; too bad his body is so broken that he would simply die from exposure. I probably should have rationed my whippings to increase his mileage, but I digress.
What I want to say is: why deny the inevitable? Welcome us with open arms and allow us to build our cities near whatever natural resources you may be squatting us. Then, become our submissive, obedient slaves and live happily ever after. As a matter of fact, if you would agree to be my slave, I promise to only whip you once a day instead of three times a day like I did to Voris. I'm pretty experienced at this whole slave-owning thing and my slaves tend to last for a good five years or so before having to be replaced. I promise that those five years will be the happiest, most carefree years of your life. You wouldn't be burdened by cumbersome freedom and I will make all your decisions for you. What more could you ask for?
Think about it.
My best regards,
Will Soon Need Another Slave In Cheliax
Dear Will Soon Need Another Slave in Cheliax:
1. Can’t we get along?
Yes, we can. Shoanti coincide with Chelaxian corpses quite amicably.
2. What more could I ask for?
To drink the refreshing water of the Yondabakari river from a cup carved from your skull.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
Up until not long ago people still feared me and left me alone, except in the occasional village where they raised torches and pitchforks at me for "practicing the black arts", accusations I dismissed promptly by killing them and letting them stay dead instead of reanimating their bodies.
However, after incidentally saving this backwater town suddenly all people loves me and give me flowers and romantic proposals in spite of my constant efforts to scare them into psychiatric trauma one citizen at a time. Recently I got married, and still I keep attracting the attentions of people from pre-pubescent girls to the party's bard which lately has developed an interest in necromancy and the negative plane somehow, which is particularly strange when our party has a paladin and he should be the one warranting all this unrequited attention.
How do you deal with all your admirers? Should I raze the town a couple of times? Or should I just relax myself and start talking to my wife about polygamy?
Regards.
Sleepless in Sandpoint.
Dear Sleepless in Sandpoint:
Yes, it is true that legions of fans can be a hardship, but how else will you rise to the “Top Ten at 10:00” on the necromantic pop charts?
Except the paparazzi. There your proposal for prompt death followed by reanimation has considered merit.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
All I want is a little cuddle.
Why do the humans, elves, dwarves, bears, dragons, firepelts, horses, tojanidas, dryads, and badgers all run so fast?
I thought that I would at least have a chance with the dragons.
Signed,
Randy near Rannick
Dear Randy near Rannick:
Tojanidas!? Man! That’s just wrong!
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti
Why?
Regards
Deep Thoughts
Dear Deep Thoughts:
Because the Azghat wills it.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti:
Once again the holiday season is here. And so are my in-laws unfortunately.
Every Christmas my mother in law insults my cooking, and makes disparaging comments about my career (I'm an Emu farmer.)She truly makes the holidays a living hell. Every time I try to bring up the subject in a non-confrontational manner she spits clam juice in my face and says rude things about my dog's sexual orientation.
My father in law is even worse. every Christmas he drinks too much egg-nog and mistakes my bedroom for the Bathroom. Last Christmas eve, I found him defecating in the corner of my room at 3 in the morning. And when I asked him to stop he called me a socialist and spit clam juice in my face. I'm beginning to feel like they really don't respect me.
Ask, I'm at my wit's end here. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
Dear Hazel Monday:
The holiday season is often a time of stress for young warriors. A few tips. First, stop stocking clam juice. Two, pass on the Emu farming thing. Have you tried hunting giants? Third, I don’t understand what a non-confrontational manner is – is that anything like a death match? Fourth, either your dog learns to stick up for itself or you replace it with a cinderwolf.
But most important, try to remember the true spirit of the season and why it is that we bring family together (both before and after your blackout rage).
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Due his full-time duties holding back the orcs of Belkzen, various Chelaxian invaders and the giants of the Kodar, Ask a Shoanti will be extending his leave of absence from his role as a violent advice columnist. Recognizing the public’s ongoing need for guidance with relationships and basic aesthetic etiquette intermixed with bloodthirsty encouragement, Ask a Shoanti is currently interviewing qualified temps. There have been a number of exceptionally talented personas to populate this very thread, for example. Interested applicants should feel free to post in Ask a Shoanti’s absence.
We wish you the very best in survival rates this holiday season.
Anyone looking for answers to questions no one else has? I can provide. I cannot guarantee that they will be nice answers. Some may make no sense on first look. Or second. Or any.
Dear Ask,
I've heard tales of the fighting prowess of the Shoanti, and I'm very impressed. Do you think a dwarven monk like myself would be welcome in a quah? I hear you face Belkzen orcs often, and I need a good exercise.
- Dried out in Osirion
Dear Ask,
I've heard tales of the fighting prowess of the Shoanti, and I'm very impressed. Do you think a dwarven monk like myself would be welcome in a quah? I hear you face Belkzen orcs often, and I need a good exercise.- Dried out in Osirion
I'm not the shoanti, but I think you'll have a hard time there. Those guys aren't exactly welcoming to outsiders (but consider getting yourself eaten by a large big worm and have reliable witnesses - that might get you accepted), and all that discipline nonsense you monks have going on is just about the complete opposite of your average shoanti's fighting style: running towards the enemy, screaming, foaming at the mouth, and then just start swinging the eartbreaker until nothing moves.
Dear Ask,
I've heard tales of the fighting prowess of the Shoanti, and I'm very impressed. Do you think a dwarven monk like myself would be welcome in a quah? I hear you face Belkzen orcs often, and I need a good exercise.- Dried out in Osirion
Dear Dried out in Osirion:
No doubt you have the right stuff; any Quah would be lucky to find someone with such a can-do attitude. But a strong cover letter enclosing a well-balanced resume is still the key. When approaching a Quah, make sure to fill-out your application form in triplicate for ease of administration (i.e. stomp it into the armor of three separate hellknight corpses.) Also, while a good reference goes a long way be sure to keep them current. I recommend including the names and direct phone lines of 2-3 BBEG’s you have pummeled black and blue in the past year.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
P.S. For maximum orc warfare exposure, I suggest you consider the Sklar Quah.
P.P.S. Thanks for manning the fort KaeYoss.
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
My concubine keeps complaining that we never go out anymore. I tried pointing out that I've been magically imprisoned within my tower, but she seemingly expects me to work miracles. You'd think that after all these centuries, she'd have a more realistic atitude.
To help resolve this issue, could you recommend a good marital counselor willing to make house calls?
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Dear Ask a Shoanti,
My concubine keeps complaining that we never go out anymore. I tried pointing out that I've been magically imprisoned within my tower, but she seemingly expects me to work miracles. You'd think that after all these centuries, she'd have a more realistic atitude.
To help resolve this issue, could you recommend a good marital counselor willing to make house calls?
What? Speak up man, I can't hear anything!
Dear Ask a Shoanti
Here in Belkzen shrunken Shoanti heads have become THE "must have" fashion item for this season. Could you recommend a particular clan's shiny noggins to really accessorise our armour spikes or belts?
Ugly in Urgir
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Dear Ask a Shoanti,
My concubine keeps complaining that we never go out anymore. I tried pointing out that I've been magically imprisoned within my tower, but she seemingly expects me to work miracles. You'd think that after all these centuries, she'd have a more realistic atitude.
To help resolve this issue, could you recommend a good marital counselor willing to make house calls?
Dear Barely Audible Despot,
I see that while most undead can’t ‘get it up’, you also, ‘can’t get it out’. But worry not. In my experience, women simply frequently confuse their need for romance with the urge to travel to exotic locales. What you really need to rekindle your necromantic flame is a shared peril – have you tried getting turned together?
Consider luring a band of adventures to your tower using cryptic riddles recently discovered after several centuries of obscurity. As the two of you layer negative levels on intruders together, take a moment to reflect on all the good times you’ve shared in the past. Then as things slowly start to come together perhaps discreetly suggest that its been too long since the two of you have cast wail of the banshee.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti
Here in Belkzen shrunken Shoanti heads have become THE "must have" fashion item for this season. Could you recommend a particular clan's shiny noggins to really accessorise our armour spikes or belts?
Ugly in Urgir
Dear Name Says it All,
Belt fashion is a complex issue and one that is difficult to explain to individuals with racial intelligence penalties. Fortunately, it can be relayed with an effective live demonstration. Expect a visit soon – I will show you first hand.
Yours very truly,
Ask a Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Thank you for your invaluable advice. We had a wonderful party, full of life and energy. I indulged my artistic side, recruiting a troupe of vampire mimes to entertain our guests. By the time the party was finished, all of our guests were quite drained.
Unfortunately, our visitors now seem determined to stay. It was pleasant to have houseguests, but these people want to party all night, then lie around all day. They should have gone with the mimes, but I hadn't considered the difficulties involved in commanding other undead when one doesn't speak.
I tried to be tactful, casually incinerating a few of the squatters after they wrinkled the cover on one of my out-of-print Thassalonian fantasy adventure scrolls. Unfortunately, they didn't take the hint and just came back after they regenerated the next day.
I'm considering inviting a few more adventurers to thin this bunch out and perhaps convince them to move on, but that sounds suspiciously like what caused this problem in the first place.
Do you have any suggestions?
Do you have any suggestions?
What? You suffered from many indigestions? You have got to get a speaking tube or something.
*Goes and gets an elf ranger as a hearing aid*
Ah. Now I see. I think your home's a lost cause. Write it off and move elsewhere.
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stupid adventurers... why can't they understand the sign "Beware of the Lich"?
oh well, now that I have time...
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Adventurers have been coming to the Gallowspire in earnest this days, where it was quite and serene all time of the year, except for the causal undead or orc to kill while keeping the guard...
Do you know any way to stop those disturbing "Quest in a Letter" we have being founding in the last days? Aparently they tell of an ancient way to destroy the One-who-can't-be-listened... but it stinks of b@+&@+!& and a tramp.
Thank you for your time.
Keeper of the Watch
Stupid adventurers... why can't they understand the sign "Beware of the Lich"?
My "Free Biers" sign draws them right in, even if it takes unfair advantage of the adventurers' poor spelling skills.
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
A very good friend of mine has recently been having trouble with a couple of the Linnorm Kings scoffing and disrespecting the myths about her. (She is a mythalogical dragon of the utmost power and might). This very good friend feels personally insulted, and is looking to loot and raze the towns of those arrogant Ulfen dunces, but would prefer that each and every last Ulfen suffer personally, rather than being killed in one general catastrophe.
Do you have any kinsmen who would be interested in asssisting a mythalogical dragon in going and cracking some Ulfen skulls?
Nirellia Dimonia.
PS
This really, honestly, truly, is about a good friend of mine, and not about me, honest.
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
A very good friend of mine has recently been having trouble with a couple of the Linnorm Kings scoffing and disrespecting the myths about her.
Yeah, "your friend".
(She is a mythalogical dragon of the utmost power and might).
Okay, now I believe it.
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Our Cleric, I will call him 'Bob', has decided to further embrace his faith and somehow managed to talk the Blacksmith into altering his grieves so that they are missing the posterior plate. Our only saving grace is that Bob tends to move last in initiative and is not the speediest of fellows wearing almost-full plate, so he's usually not in front. I've lost my appetite numerous times during camp and find it extremely difficult to gather information while people are gawking at our Cleric's bare backside. We understand his need to be close to his deity, Calistria, but at what cost to the rest of us?
Going Blind in Korvosa
Dear Ask A Shoanti
Recently myself and a fellow Linnorm King successfully goaded a great wyrm into attacking our settlements and with Gorum's will we should bloody are axes fairly soon.
As you Shoanti are renowned for best using your prey and livestock fully, perhaps you could advise on the best use of the wyrm's scaly carcass? [once we've done with the victory feasting of course]
Killing Time in Kalsgard
Dear Ask A Shoanti,
recently I allowed a bunch of upstart human wannabe Conans to goad me into attacking their vice-ridden villages.
My question to you: Does your kind need some more room to expand? It should be inhabitable again in a few years.
Dear Ask a Shoanti
It seems to me that despite your people's reputation in Belkzen [tough fighters and tough eating] much of the requests upon you are from the races made weak by their civilised comforts and lack of strength to eat their own kind during the lean times...
Now while pandering to their wimperings may be your way - can I offer to help by providing more straight talking, merciless advice?
With my elf ear necklace I'm always listening...
Yours
Axe A Shoanti
Dear Ask a Shoanti
I find after splattering orcs with my warhammer that it their grey matter and skull fragments get knotted in my beard. After a good days orc slaying what do you use to keep your beard lustrous and healthy?
Also can you explain why elves are such foppish girly boys who would rather engage in bad street theatre, interpretive dance and making over their poodles than driving an axe into the skull of an orc?
The 8th
Dear Ask a Shoanti
I find after splattering orcs with my warhammer that it their grey matter and skull fragments get knotted in my beard. After a good days orc slaying what do you use to keep your beard lustrous and healthy?
Less using of teeth as a weapon can help.
Beyond that, just shave the ugly thing.
Also can you explain why elves are such foppish girly boys who would rather engage in bad street theatre, interpretive dance and making over their poodles than driving an axe into the skull of an orc?
Maybe the orcs haven't overrun any elven strongholds the elves need to sacrifice themselves by the hundreds each day to try and get back?
Things look a lot less serious when you don't have to try to atone for the sin of getting your ass kicked by orcs (orcs!!!).
With my elf ear necklace I'm always listening...
Those little bearded freaks are called dwarves. The derogative terms we use as racial names aren't really interchangeable.
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
Our Cleric, I will call him 'Bob', has decided to further embrace his faith and somehow managed to talk the Blacksmith into altering his grieves so that they are missing the posterior plate. Our only saving grace is that Bob tends to move last in initiative and is not the speediest of fellows wearing almost-full plate, so he's usually not in front. I've lost my appetite numerous times during camp and find it extremely difficult to gather information while people are gawking at our Cleric's bare backside. We understand his need to be close to his deity, Calistria, but at what cost to the rest of us?
Going Blind in Korvosa
Dear Blind,
I have found that blocking the eyeholes on your helms visor is the only cure for this horrific problem that effects many parties that feature a cleric of Calistria. I stumbled on this cure after many a night crying myself to sleep trying to think " happy thoughts"
I won't say its without draw backs...my shins are often bruised at the end of day from bumping into things, I seldom hit in combat anymore, perception checks are out of the question. But on the bright side I am no longer scared for life and I have been keeping my meals down for several weeks now....YMMV.
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I have pink eye and my family cleric recommended I eat a scorpion to prove my manliness to the gods. It hasn't worked, and now I have scorpion stings all over my face and pink eye.
Thanks,
Pitty Shants and Eink Pye
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I have pink eye and my family cleric recommended I eat a scorpion to prove my manliness to the gods. It hasn't worked, and now I have scorpion stings all over my face and pink eye.
Thanks,
Pitty Shants and Eink Pye
Pitty Shants and Eink Pye,
Surely you weren't listening to your Cleric very well. The recommended dosage is ALWAYS 'TAKE TWO'. Unless of course, your chosen deity is Gruumsh, in which case 'TAKE TWO' might represent a significantly larger problem.
For the scorpion stings, I recommend eating 2 big wasps which must be chewed thoroughly. The wasp being scropion's natural enemy will cause the 2 poisons to neutralize and the blemishes should clear within a few days.
Roscoe, Kobold Hierophant
Dear Ask a Shoanti,
I have pink eye and my family cleric recommended I eat a scorpion to prove my manliness to the gods. It hasn't worked, and now I have scorpion stings all over my face and pink eye.
Thanks,
Pitty Shants and Eink Pye
Primitive voodoo "medizine". Grow up.
Here, take this placebo, it will help.
I'm tired of Chelaxian women. They're so... backstabby, if I say so myself (from experience of course). I want a girlfriend with a strong character and with whom to have good arguments that don't end in poison or slavery; I'd rather raise my voice and maybe get a bit more physical (take it as you may). Would a Shoanti girl be up to these standards?
Since the Shoanti appears to be occupied, allow me to advise you. My concubine and I have been together for what seems like most of recorded history, so I've dealt with similar issues a few times.
Your problem isn't where she's from, it's a failure to set firm boundaries in the relationship. If she understands that you'll murder her and transform her into an undead abomination at the slightest hint of disobedience, she'll be much more respectful.
After the relationship hits a few bumps, keeping that romantic flame alight will take planning. For example, if she stabs you in the back, it's nice to know that you've already put a special surprise in her morning tea. When she knows you're the sort who pays that extra attention to her, she'll take your concerns more seriously.
I'm tired of Chelaxian women. They're so... backstabby, if I say so myself (from experience of course). I want a girlfriend with a strong character and with whom to have good arguments that don't end in poison or slavery; I'd rather raise my voice and maybe get a bit more physical (take it as you may). Would a Shoanti girl be up to these standards?Since the Shoanti appears to be occupied, allow me to advise you. My concubine and I have been together for what seems like most of recorded history, so I've dealt with similar issues a few times.
Your problem isn't where she's from, it's a failure to set firm boundaries in the relationship. If she understands that you'll murder her and transform her into an undead abomination at the slightest hint of disobedience, she'll be much more respectful. ** spoiler omitted **
After the relationship hits a few bumps, keeping that romantic flame alight will take planning. For example, if she stabs you in the back, it's nice to know that you've already put a special surprise in her morning tea. When she knows you're the sort who pays that extra attention to her, she'll take your concerns more seriously.
I thought Geb ran off with Arazni and made her his 'Harlot Queen'?
Why do you need to worry about anniversaries?
Hrm. Since I last visited some shoanti territory, I was left with the curiosity to have some thrills like dating a shoanti girl, that's half the reason for the post (although the recommendations to get rid of the other one's backstabby habits have been taken much into account, thank you). So, in less words. Should I try a shoanti girl? Or is there a less-risky thrill around there waiting for me?
I'm all in favour of trying a shoanti girl - can I recommend her with a side of firepelt cougar chops and some cinderweed salad - tis the Belkzen recipe of the month.
For true thrill seeking try one of our females - she'll put hair on your chest manling.