It's all mine, pal.
I like how Paizo named their book after my comprehensive catalogue and price list!
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Okay, who's taking bets on which Runelord(s), if any, will make a personal appearance? :D Sizeable wager on myself! I say we should get the old New Crew back together. Except Child Abuse, that guy's a creep.
My d20 of Destiny says, "Answer hazy, ask again later." Perhaps next month, around mid-May or so... That picture indeed depicts my colleague Alaznist blasting the living heck out of my colleague Karzoug. That girl sure knew how to blow things up. I offered Karzoug to reincarnate him with elements-resistant skin through my Vats of Improvement, but he wouldn't know anything of it. That backwards attitude was what brought old Thassalion to its knees. The new Thassalion and its Atomic Supermen, genetically engineered to perfection, will not just last a thousand years, but a thousand millennia. Any day now (Just some minor tweaks to breed out of the guys, like their low half-life and murderous tendencies that makes them turn on each other. Nothing bad as you can see).
I've engineered my genes to be immortal. I will literally outlive you all. Give up now. Victory is mine. Also two extra livers to let me drink more.
Sorry, but you can't. We copyrighted that method.
"Male", "Female". Gozreh was really unimaginative when he invented the sexes. But I picked up the work where he left off. If you feel that your gender doesn't feel right for you, the "opposite" isn't to your liking either, and you don't want one of those cheap knock-offs like she-male or cullen, our laboratories can offer you 17 new and exciting genders. Contact me for prices!
And faces can be changed, too. At least with the right genetic adjustments.
Pounce! Rake! Constrict! And every attack in that routine is poisoned! MY CREATURES WILL DISPLACE NATURE'S SORRY ATTEMPTS AT EVOLUTION IN EVERY ECOLOGY! AND THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD! Take that, Runelord of Social Injustice, you blathering ninny- hammer!
Are you a piranha or a parrot? Parranha. One of our new inventions. Order now for 30% off!
*Whirlwind Attack - grab, spin, and tosses back up**blasts him back up with rockets* Behold my fleshcrafted racket-arm! *Sends him back down in a back-hand volley*
I have found that cloning always goes terribly, terribly right. Which is what I want.
Sure, go ahead! Become your own grandfather. You'll end up owing yourself a fortune in birthday and Christmas presents.
I beg to differ. Because of your insolence, my giant, eight-legged tarrasques with oversized teeth will hunt you. What? There's only one Tarrasque? That was before I cloned it.
I could breed a special marilith with twice as many arms as usual, and twice as many fingers on each arm, and hereditary typrewriting knowledge!
Bloody consumer!
Oh, you silly. They were all quite willing, I assure you. Sadly, some of them expired before they could thank me properly - I hope their remains were delivered to you in time. Yeah, I got several packages of withered, formerly good-looking men (and some women) with broken pelvises and a fatally wide grin on their faces. On their toe was always some note saying: "Bug Report: Broke down after 36 hours. Stronger bone structure and more resilient flesh required for the next version. What was nature thinking??" I assumed they came from you.
Has no one rescued my favored? I hear she's quite...profuse with her thanks. No, I think that was you. I remember: You kept forcing hapless peasants to "abduct" you and tricked strapping young idiot knights (wasn't there an order of those around? No, wait, I always confuse that: All knightly orders are like that!) into rescuing you. How many actually survived you thanking them? At length? In a number of ways. Some anatomically quite impossible without the use of magic?
Dear Sirs and Madams,
Contact us today!
Excellent. I shall unextinct them through cloning, harden their talons, heighten their anger, and add something so they can be controlled by something that will be a closely guarded secret, so they can serve as mounts. With such a beast, I shall be able to take over the world! I'll also breed them much larger, to serve as mobile siege towers and mounts for my runelords. The sight of 40-foot-tall giants mounted on 60-foot-tall roosters shall inspire sheer terror in my enemies.
I hope you call him Greebo. Or at least Legba.
Did I hear cloning? Such a waste of potential. When you're making replicas, try to improve them. You're cooking up something new, anyway, why go right where nature went wrong? Auto-cannibalisation hasn't occured to me yet, but my research into flavour-altering GM should work well here. What do you want to taste like today?
You old farts still there? Your time has past. Your mission statements are poorly written and have spelling errors. You don't know how to hold a proper meeting. Powerpoint anyone? The overhead is not for eating, Sloth. It's not productive to blast it to tinders, Wrath. And... just no, Lust. Oh, and Greed: I know it looks better as solid gold, but we did need those electrical parts to stay in their own elements. I know all this is new for you, you just did that old-fashioned goleming back in your day where you use a simple material and build everything from it, but that's so last aeon. Dead things are really dead. As are undead things. Tinkering with them is just a dull hobby. Biomass, now that stuff has promises. Your attempts failed. It's our time now. People, we have to move with the times. Those rune giants were a nice touch, but just breeding them doesn't get you anywhere. Takes millenia to have real results. Just look here what I did after only 3 generations! The two extra arms mean they can wield another pair of weapons, or another big one. Or even a shield. Or they can cast spells while fighting. I managed to increase the weight of their brain by 250%, half of which is located in a second brain deep within the torso. The upper one is redundant now. The dual-brain solution means that they can do two sets of actions at the same time. And the best thing: With the right alterations, we can get them in nearly every size! Need to hunt down kobolds? Have the small or tiny variety. Oliphaunt giving you trouble? The first 300' rune giant is nearly out of the vat now. Don't get me wrong, guys: I don't want you gone. You can find work in the New Corporation. That old empire thing doesn't work today. We have to move with the times. Social Injustice can tell you how you can conquer people without having to spill a single drop of blood. Of course, if you still want to spill blood, you can do it in your free time. Recreation is always important. Wrath: I'm going to put you into collection. You have the right attitude to get our debtors to pay in time. Gluttony: Until I managed to make our cheap labour immortal through my biothaumic arts, you and yours can keep the people in work if they opt for early retirement by dying, the lazy bastards. There's no death clause in our work contracts, make sure they keep up their end of the bargain. Pride: You'll work on our corporate image and do advertising. Envy: Two words. Market Research. Find out what the others have, and make sure we get it, too. Greed: I'm sure you'll make a great Financial Director. Sloth: Uhm.... just sit there. If you can get around it, make your people conjure up some more cheap labour in peak times or for the more fatal assignments. Summoned labour doesn't want social security and all that crap. Lust: In my office. And tell my secretary that no one is to disturb us when you walk past her on the way in. It would appear these . . . things are invading my, I mean, our capital. Any suggestions on how to remove them? I could make some lovely gold statues . . . Those are mine. Early drafts. I'm always open for suggestions on how to improve them.
Pinnacle of a kind? No such thing. Always room for improvement. Evolving's big these days. Just let me do my job.
Species is irrelevant. Nothing that can be fixed with the right gene cocktail. I feel that we're getting somewhere. I plan on buying the first couple of countries by the end of the week. In a month or so, we can make a decent 3-year-agenda for this universe, and have reliable estimations for all the others. Our lawyers will destroy them mercilessly. Especially since our lawyers are currently 30 foot tall and have teeth and claws of adamantine and are born with an innate knowledge of every law, ordination and rule in existence, and how to bend them. |