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Me Chief Rendwattle Gutwad. You may know me from adventure book called "We Be Goblins!" It real good book, but me not play big enough role in it. So me take matters into own hands, go kill book-writers. But me not find book-writers, even though me have goblins search all over Golarion.
So Chief Gutwad make up own adventures. Better adventures. But goblins not play Pathfinder with Me, because goblins can't read rule book. Neither can Chief Gutwad. Chief Gutwad have them killed, they make yummy stew.
Now Chief Gutwad get smart. Me have captured human, make him write words-that-travel-real-far. He says they go to message boards, where other stupid humans read them. Me not know what message boards are. Me cut his toes off. They make nice jewelry.
Now Chief Gutwad asks question. You interested in playing game with Chief Gutwad? Me can take you through adventure paths, modules,or even adventures Chief Gutwad make, you name it.
If yes, write words-that-travel-real-far with what Chief Gutwad should do.
If no, cut stomach out and send to Chief Gutwad. Me burn stomachs of all the stupid humans who not play game with Chief Gutwad.
Aaaaabsolutely! Sounds amazing. :D As someone who's just joined the boards a week or so, I've noticed a large lack of APs other than Rise of the Runelords! I dunno what original ideas you have up your sleeve, but any other AP or anything that isn't RotR would be awesome.
I happen to like my stomach were it is, filthy goblin, so I will give in to your demands for now.
I happen to like my stomach were it is, filthy goblin, so I will give in to your demands for now.
You make good choice filthy human, but you maybe want to cut out stomach anyway? Chief Gutwad very hungry for manmeats.
Chief Gutwad, I would like to play one of your adventures. I'm sure I have the stomach for it. Wakka Wakka.
I would love to play an AP, but homebrew is always fun as well!
I'm going to be a Huntmaster Cavalier! I also want to buy a Mount for myself so I can ride around on a combat-trained horse with a pack of riding dogs. It'll be so much fun!!!
Wait, GM, why are you getting that look in your eye? Is that Alchemist's Fire?
Seriously though, I'd love to do either an AP or a homebrew. I'd definitely play a martial character of some sort, but it would depend on your requirements.
And the Cavalier thing was just a joke. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to be a Huntmaster Cavalier! I also want to buy a Mount for myself so I can ride around on a combat-trained horse with a pack of riding dogs. It'll be so much fun!!!
Wait, GM, why are you getting that look in your eye? Is that Alchemist's Fire?
Seriously though, I'd love to do either an AP or a homebrew. I'd definitely play a martial character of some sort, but it would depend on your requirements.
And the Cavalier thing was just a joke. Please don't kill me.
Chief Gutwad like jokers. Them taste best chopped into pies. Maybe me make you into pie and then throw pie in face. Hah! That be funny joke!
Oh mighty Chief Gutwad, please don't make me into a pie. I've been whacked too many times in the past and wouldn't taste good. I am an excellent chef, though. What if instead, I bake you a delicious poisonberry - I mean boysenberry pie. Would that make amends for my joking? I really want to be in your campaign, but I can't if I'm dead.
"Okki small and Okki sneak,
In Ladies rooms Okki peeks!
You can't see him in the night,
Okki get your blood on his knife!
When there is evil horse to chop
Okki throw his stars non stop!
When there is stupid things to slay,
can Goblin Ninja come to play?"
Okki? Me no heard of Okki. What tribe you from Okki?
"Okki have no tribe, Boss Gutwad.
When small, Okki lived with the Licktoad Gobs. When stabby humans came, Okki hide.
Stabby sneaky humans in pajamas took Okki to teach to sneak and throw and stab. They serve a big boss in pajamas who can sneak and throw and stab the best of all.
He kept testing Okki. Kill the Human target or steal some gold? Kill the bad big monster or steal some gold? Lie and hide and sneak a secret page of words or steal some gold? Okki kept stealing gold and the big pajama boss kept hitting Okki every time. So I stabbed some and throwed some and sneaked away at night.
So now I just look for things to do mostly, but I still like to sneak and stab and throw like they showed me, especially when I can also still get gold!"
Okki story is good story indeed. Me like stabby parts best. Chief Gutwad welcome Okki back to Licktoads and grant Okki grand title: "Okki Stabs-and-Steals, Killer of Pajama-Humans!"
Baddest goblin, biggest gun!
Shootan horses, bestest fun!
Make them 'splode in tasty hunks!
Make them 'splode in messy chunks!
Bombs and guns and stuff in lab,
Way more fun than slice and stab!
Wrecktwitch, Wrecktwitch, smart-pants Gob,
Guns to shoot and bombs to lob!
Me likes to chop
Me likes to kill
Me likes to drink
the blood we spill
Me like to look
Me like to see
Me like to play
wit dems me sees
Me be barbarian raging mad and ready to get longshanks.
Well, I think the DM's story might be starting to take shape soon, haha.
Dear Chief Gutwad,
You can't read this, because you're a goblin. However, that only makes me want to pull on your cheeks. This is quite an impasse we're at.
You only THINK dat! You forgot me have human slave who read for me! Hah! If Chief ever catch you pulling any goblin cheeks, Chief have Seranov's cheeks cut off right quick!
Chopslot and Wrecktwitch, you Chief's personal Cheek-Cutter and Cheek-Burn-Cook-Food-Maker from now on, yah?
Hee hee! Me be Feeva. Me catch longshanks. Say he name Whack-a-Rogue. Me think he better name Cries-Many-Lots. He funny longshanks. Taste good too.
Say you be wanting Goblins. Say you big Chief. Want to play games and eat longshank stomachs. Feeva like both things. Are fun. Want play with you.
Feeva can do magic. Make longshanks sleep. Then can get stomachs easy. Mister Stinger helps too. He Feeva's bug friend. He pretty. But Feeva not from Licktoads. Not know how find you. What can me do?
Feeva remind Chief of bad gob named Vorka. But Vorka eat goblins, and Feeva only eat longshanks, so Feeva good!
You not worry bout finding Chief Gutwad. We got magic of words-that-travel-real-far, remember?
Chopslot and Wrecktwitch, you Chief's personal Cheek-Cutter and Cheek-Burn-Cook-Food-Maker from now on, yah?
Yeah boss! Wrecktwitch 'splode up one mean longshanks or horse leg. I cook'em as I shoot'em. Same time! Real effi.... Efici... Efish... save load of time! Wrecktouch cook'm like you want!
Mikmek here to show goblins what for! Must use all parts of horse and dog killed because waste bad! Mikmek poke with stick if no listen to Mikmek!
Mikmek not goblin... but Mikmek poke with stick and make dog and horse dead! Me like dat!
What you say goblins, we make Mikmek have title of Goblin-Who-Not-Goblin?
Mikmek smell funny like frog. Wrecktwitch eat frog all da time but mikmek not for eatin? Smarty pants longshanks one time said frog men like anth... Anthr... antherpo... Like goblin but like frog too. He seem ok t'me.
Mikmek say goblins is ones who smell funny. Like fire and soot. Mikmek smell like swamp, Mikmek home. Goblins no live in swamp, so smell funny.
Mes like chop chop. mes got big longshank horsechopper. it chops good. sometimes mes get mad mad and angry get foamy mad and hurt real good longshanks. me like bein chiefs chopper.
Feeva hear 'bout Vorka. She be scary drood. Live in swamp with bad froggy. Mikmek froggy live in swamp too. He with Vorka? If yes, Feeva make sleep. Eat stomach. Good plan, yes? Hee Hee!
Chubgrub dance and Chubgrub fight
Chubgrub like to fight at night
Chubgrub like to stab longshanks
Take their stuff and not say thanks!
Chubgrub have big brother, too
He much more bigger than you
Have to dance to make him show
Needs no food but likes to grow!
Little Chubgrub captured from Seven Tooth tribe by longshanks! Mean longshanks make Little Chubgrub dance, but when Chubgrub dance for a while, show up! He rip longshanks in bite-size chunks and break longshanks chains from me! He say he not my brother but dumb! If Chief Gutwad want, can rip pieces into pie-sized bits to make longshanks pies!
Summoner, Ninja, Alchemist, Druid, Barbarian, and other stuff?
Hophop jump and Hophop race
Hophop throw mud in the face
Hophop also sneak and steal
Hophop eat good *every* meal
Hophop lives down underneath
And scares the babies with her Teeths
Hophop knows the way around
And can get there without sound
Longshanks know that Hophop lurks
Try to catch her, nothing works
Hophop's secret easy know
Has a friend that lives below
Torches, pokers longshanks bring
Nets and dogs and anything!
Dogs are eaten, gobble gulp
Longshanks chewed into a pulp...
Hophop loves her Teeths and so
She still waits below, below.
(Goblin Druid with an alligator animal companion ... there are 'gators in them sewers!)
"I Farg farg the bestest, majestic ... uh, I ride big wolf like in stories!
The young goblin had had it after one night Rumpkle set him on fire with a majestic blue flame from his backside. Needless to say Rumpkle, who really was better than Farg-farg at everything, beat him senseless (er) and set him on fire once again. Farg-farg ran away that night, out into the swamp to find some good clean mud to rub on his burns when he ran into a black mass of teeth. Farg-farg nearly soiled himself, until he realized the mass of teeth was not a dreaded ugly mean old dog. The ball of teeth was a wolf bogged down in the mud of the swamp.
At first Farg-farg was going to poke it with the sharp stick he found but the wolf turned his head and whined at the goblin. Farg-farg felt something strange. Something he had never felt before and for once he did something sort of un-goblin like. ”Farg-farg help you from mud. You no eat Farg-farg or Farg-farg come back and follow you like crazy scary ghostie.” The young goblin worked and worked to free the wolf. Longer than he had worked in his entire life, and five minutes later the wolf was free.
Once free the black ball of teeth pounced on the young goblin pinning him to the ground and Farg-farg shrieked. ”I free you, you said you no eat! No eat! He closed his eyes as the tooth filled maw lunged at his face, and instead of sharp teeth he felt something wet slap him in the face. ”What you do? Why you do that? Get off of me you…you… fang face!” Strangley the wolf did just that.
Farg-farg got to his feat slowly as he watched the wolf just sit there and watch him. ”No eat…no eat Far-farg.” Slowly a smile began to creep across the goblins face as his thought began to form a plan.
Five minutes later he began to jump around with excitement howling and hooting before wrapping his little arms around the muddy wolfs neck and gigiling. ”You eat Rumpkle!”
The young goblin had heard stories of goblin heroes ridding into glories battle on wolfs such as the muddy one before him. "Ok Fangface. I get on you back no eat Farg-farg.” Slowly the goblin climbed onto the wolf’s back and strangly enough the wolf did not eat the goblin. ”Ok now we go home, you eat Rumpkle I big mug mug, then they see.”
The next morning Farg-farg stood in front of Rumpkle’s hut and began stomping his feet and throwing rocks at the hut’s makeshift door. ”Rumpkle! You come out! You pay for catching me on fire with you fart! I kill you now!” Come out Rumpkle did, with the biggest dog slicer Farg-farg had ever seen, but instead of being scared, as usual of such a showing, the young goblin smiled and laughed. ”I got somethin’ new myself. Fangface! Kill this buzzard food!” A black ball of fangs flew into the camp, slamming into Runkle sending his dog slicer flying from his hands and pinning the goblin to the ground. Farg-farg moved quickly snatching up the weapon and bringing it down at Rumpkle with both hands. With a dull thump, the goblins head rolled away from his body and Farg-farg held his new sword up in triumph. ”See! Farg-farg best now! I make Rumpkle worm food quick! You all’s best treat me good or I feed you to Fangface! Farg-farg majestic now!"
With that, Farg-farg grabbed ahold of Fangface’s neck and jumped onto the wolf's back. ”I like in stories now!” With the biggest smile full of teeth seen in years the goblin rode through the camp and behind the young Cavalier, little goblin children had already began to use Rumpkle’s head as a kick ball. It was the best day ever.
Kibbles wrapped in many rags
Look like creature made by hag
Horsechopper sharp, it point ahead
Riding Snouts, foe soon be dead!
Friends of Kibbles he protects
Kibbles friendship don't you neglect
If you stab him in the back
Kibbles'n'Snouts make neck go crack!
Chase them all and knock them down
Drag the little ones back from town
Put in chains and make them work
Give to Hadregash if they shirk
Beat them all and take their stuff
It be ours soon enough
Kibbles say Gutwad okay
So can Kibbles come and play?
@Chief Rendwattle: Mister Stinger have idea. You say have many kinds of game but need pick one to play. Mister Stinger hear about longshanks game name Make King. Feeva think it adventure path but not sure. Mister Stinger say you mighty Chief now. But if play Make King can maybe become Bigbig High King. Then longshanks need give you yumyums. If no yumyums Goblins can burn house, eat baby, make lots boomboom like Wreckwitch do. So longshanks will give yumyums. Good plan yes? Feeva like this game. Hee Hee!
Goblin king! Goblin king! Hophop agree.
Feeva hear 'bout Vorka. She be scary drood. Live in swamp with bad froggy. Mikmek froggy live in swamp too. He with Vorka? If yes, Feeva make sleep. Eat stomach. Good plan, yes? Hee Hee!
Mikmek no know Vorka. If Vorka froggy is bad froggy, then Mikmek stop bad froggy and bad Vorka. Poke with stick, make swamp fight Vorka. Yes.
"Okki will like to see a king be Goblin. Not enough Big Big Big Gob Bosses anyway."
Feeva like Mikmek plan. Vorka be bad drood. Mikmek be good drood. Feeva say Mikmek can stay. But if Mikmek try poke with stick Feeva or Mister Stinger, will be bigbad trouble! Feeva be watching you froggy Mikmek. Hee Hee!
Mmmm, Kibbles be mighty general, lead army wolfs and gobs, chase longshanks, take their stuff.
"Chubgrub say all stories from Chief Gutwad are best stories! Gutwad should run ALL THE STORIES!"
Make king! Gob king! We make Chief Gutwad gob king? Biggest baddest gobby boss! If gob king, many bring food and we always eat good!
Mikmek not know much about kings, but Mikmek happy if swamp is safe. If make king keep swamp safe, then Mikmek okay with helping gobbies make king!
If no make swamp safe, Mikmek poke with stick until swamp safe. Mikmek good at poking with stick!
'Ey Chief! Wrecktwitch gots to know how bad Chief wants gobs to be! Wrecktwitch the baddest smarty-pants gob but wants t' make chief happy!
All gobs quiet! Chief Gutwad just get great idea! Chief Gutwad think we play game called Make King! Gang of gobs go to wilderness and found mighty kingdom in Chief Gutwad's name. Me get Make King right away, and we play, and we have fun good.
All gobs who want to play make like dis:
Name of Gob:
As longshanks call it, "Class" of Gob:
Favorite Food of Gob:
Then me give you title, and you be part of Gob exploration party!
Name of Gob: Wrecktwitch Bogshoot
Class of Gob: Gunslinger (Pistolero)/Alchemist (Grenadier)
Favorite Food of Gob: Bits 'o 'sploded horse seasoned wiv alchem fire!
Name of Gob: Mikmek is no Gobbie, but Mikmek is called Mikmek.
Class of Gob: Mikmek is still no Gobbie, but Mikmek is Druid. Shortleg agree, Shortleg is buddy.
Favorite Food of Gob: Why keep ask if Mikmek Gobbie?! Mikmek is frog! Mikmek eat bugs and fruits! Meat too!