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Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?

Gamer Talk

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I have two Anecdotes to share. Great thread btw, haven't laughed this hard in a while.

Spoilered for... Not sure what but I'm not certain it's politically correct...

So in a homebrew campaign, we were the poor shmucks who unwittingly partook in the theft of a deific artifact, the Heart of Shelyn, from her major temple in Absalon. The real thieves bumped into us, dropped it, and as the fates would have it, it broke. We found out later about some big shpeal about the rage of a broken heart and fated lovers reuniting mends all heart wounds (as it turned out, the bard was the one who bumped into the female thief carrying the item, and therefore their destinies were intwined and only love would mend the heart).

We track it all up and down the inner sea, using our half to find it. Dealing with various pirates, thugs, bandits, and wraiths and other ghosts an enraged Shelyn kept sending after us. Turns out Shelyn acts like any other woman when her heart is broken, and we were guilty by association (DM's words, not mine). Finally we get to one of the smaller port cities of the eastern inner sea, I can't recall each one, and we follow it's signature trail to a warehouse.

Long story short after some investigation, my inquisitor of Pharasma, the bard, and for some reason the cleric of Gozreh, decide to sneak in through the back. The rogue wanted to slide in through the roof. The Barbarian was off having her own sub plot at this point (which lead to her multiclassing into witch), while the sorcerer sat out front trying to figure out what she was going to do... Finally, she walks up to the door, and knocks.

Guard: Who's there? What do you want?
Sorc: I'm looking for something.
Guard: Oh yeah? What?
Sorc: Something I need.
Guard: And what do you need?

At this point, the entire group busts up laughing. After about five minutes of breathing and stifling the giggles, the DM decides to roll with it.

Guard: A man with a tattoo on his dick huh? Hold on.

The guard calls Johnny over.

Guard: Johnny, there's a pissed off looking woman here looking for a man with a tattoo on his dick. Who's daughter did you knock up now?
Johnny: No one, I swear! At least, not that I've been told!

Johnny looks through and has no idea who our sorcerer is. So after a bit of back and forth I can't quite recall, she asks for confirmation he is who he says he is. There is some shuffling of crates behind the door, as Johnny stick his wang out of the peep hole (or whatever you call the sliding window door things).

Sorc: (out of character) I handle it for a few seconds to 'make sure', and afterwords.... MAGIC MISSILE!

Guy takes 3d4 points to the crotch, laughter is had by all (including Johnny's fellows). Thanks to Johnny being blown backwards enough, Guard finally notices that our rogue has been offing the people from behind and dragging them off to the shadows after he fell off his rope and into a barrel of fish. The rogue, at this point, was dragging the corpse to the darkness, stopped what he was doing, and announced he was the janitorial service. This opened combat with my True Shot -> Called Shot crossbow bolt to the FACE with a double crit confirmed (auto-kill in our group). To this day, "Man with a tattoo on his dick" elicits prolonged giggling, and the legend of Johnny permeates every game we have played since, even in different campaigns and different time frames.

Good times, good times. The only other anecdote of hilarity I can recall is from one of my oldest memories of my first gaming group.

I was playing a half-elf rogue in 3.0. Having maxed out and gotten as many bonuses as I possibly could to Pick Pocket, I was deemed the guy who could steal anything, in plain sight, in broad day light. Somehow the bard talked all of our way into a royal ball, so we could deal with the king's corrupt adviser. After the bard makes several failed diplomacy and bluff checks, I decide to liven up the rapidly darkening mood. The adviser found himself with no clothing, in the middle of a packed ball which has ceased entirely to witness the exchange.

This immediately swings things backs into the bard's favor, and my DM decides to give my womanizing, drunken, pocket filching rogue a reward for such quick thinking. The eldest, and sluttiest, princess finds her way over to him, having witnessed what he did while no one else had. Complimenting him on his fast finger work, she comments on the fragile delicate beauty of a woman's virtue, and how my character could probably steal the purity from a convent-bound princess. I decided to roll a pick pocket, and with a nat 20, declared "I already have..." while making my exit as smooth as any super spy movie.

This elicits quite a few laughs on it's own. What added to it was the DM expounded on that with her having to retreat to her bedroom to fix her dress and her hair... The smarmy barbarian (good friend of mine) goes "And thus begins the horrible legend of Kaelaran, the only man to be in and out in under two seconds."

Took us all ten minutes to recover from that one.... Man, humor was so different back then. Or at least that kind of humor was more humorous than what we got now xD.


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In my current homebrew campaign, one of my guys rolled a CN Serpentfolk Necromancer named Richard. Somewhere along the line he decided that he was being "corrupted" by the goodness of our Paladin/Oracle of Erastil(DMPC).

At one point he asked me(DM) if he could take on an apprentice(for story purposes) and I said sure. At which point he goes to the local orphanage and finds a 5 year old half-drow girl.

Now Richard uses a hat of Disguise Self to mask his appearance, and the first time he reveals himself to the girl the following conversation occurs:

Richard: *takes off hat and reveals true self*
Girl: *GASP*... *backs away slowly*...Why do you look like that?
Richard: It's my true form. It's how I was born.
Girl: Why did you look different before?
Richard: Because some people think I am ugly, and are scared of me.
Girl: *thinks for a moment and then slowly walks forward and hugs his legs* I don't think you're ugly mister Richard...

The whole table says aww... and another player points and says "Roll for warm fuzzies!" Everyone cracked up.

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Playing a character based off of Charlie Sheen in a D20 Future post-apocalyptic (Fallout) setting...

When our party of 4 level 1 characters is facing down group of 10 fiends/raiders:

Ray - "They out-number us 2.5 to 1."
Charlie - "If Charlie Sheen can kill Two and a Half Men, so can we!"

Later on that session when hiding from a deathclaw:

Charlie - "If Charlie Sheen can kill Spin City we can kill a deathclaw!"

3 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

From today's session:

"I throw a rabbit at the death-trapped tapestry!"

After the poor rabbit died a gruesome death discharging the greater glyph of warding. "I can die happy knowing that a bag of tricks is actually useful."

It was funny at the time...

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More from a while back.

After learning the villian they are after is travelling with an elf and a halfling;
W, human druid: "...the halfling is probably some sneaky sort- watch your backs."
D, half-orc barbarian/fighter with terrible mental stastics: "That's racist. That's profiling. That's wrong."

The above was made funnier by the fact that this was at a point where the second player was still young, quiet, and shy, and it was often difficult to pry any words out of him over the course of an evening other than "I attack," so it was incredibly unexpected. In recent years he has become a rather witty fellow.

Later that night;
W, after taking sneak attack damage from a scorching ray: "Called it, you jerks!"

Hooray for Brick Jokes! XD

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"Okay, so, first we air drop the sheep..."

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we had a bunch of these last night. we were playing shadowrun and one of our contacts had just been kidnapped by the people-smugglers we'd been tracking, and they'd left a note saying 'go away or the girl gets it' or something to that effect.
now this contact had saved my character's life in his character history, and was a good friend reguardless. so naturally he gets rather cranky at the bad guys.
here's the rub. my character is crazy prepared, to the point where he has several LAW missile launchers and ammo burried around the city. which the GM wasn't exactly expecting (he'd okayed it earlier, but had obviously thought it was just fluff.) anyway, we track down the badguys and corner them in a building they'd fortified. i'm going in for a short-ranged assult, so i hand the LAW over to my buddy the sniper/mage.
The fight starts and it becomes clear that we can't get through the enemy's rediculous armour, to the point where one guy shrugged off full auto from our riggers drone... which was wielding a MINIGUN. so my buddy pulls out the LAW and fires. the missile kills the enemy sharpshooter and brings a section of the building down on the guy below, and i say it...

"Well, it looks like he fought the LAW, and the LAW won."

that did it. from then on everything we said about that rocket launcher was a pun. one enemy had a LAW of his own, but it got blown up by our mage when he hurled the guy into the ceiling. so someone said that he 'broke the LAW'. then another guy went down to a direct hit from a missile, and i said 'we're lucky we've got the LAW on our side'. we were tired of them by the end, but we had a ton of fun with bad puns on the way.

BTW i'm looking for something new to have stashed around the city so i can surprise everyone by breaking it out next time we cross the godzilla threashold. any suggestions?

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

A safehouse in the lower end of town, very basic furnishings (i.e., nothing worth stealing), decent security.

Here's the trick: demo the crappy sheet rock when you guys come across vast piles of explosives - your fixer I'm sure can sniff out a suitable shipment to steal, drug dealers to wipe out or what ever.

All the explosives you get become "insulation". If you get cornered, head there. (Hopefully you have an exit plan ...)

When the baddies pounce, at the right moment, you detonate YOUR HOUSE.

i like the way you think. i already maintain five safehouses, so rigging one or two to blow is probably not going to be that tough.

only catch is that my GM has been playing the badguys with exactly this tactic, so odds on he'll have a way around it.

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
FuelDrop wrote:

i like the way you think. i already maintain five safehouses, so rigging one or two to blow is probably not going to be that tough.

only catch is that my GM has been playing the badguys with exactly this tactic, so odds on he'll have a way around it.

Who says yours has a timer? ^__^

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

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Gunslinger to a young naive magus: Kid, my musket here solves all the problems I come across.
Male witch to our Gnoll paladin: Oh man, don't tell me I have to be Obi-Wan.

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Ok, this is from a 3.5 Forgotten Relams game we played for something like 7 years. Our party was notorious for disliking Cleric's because our first two Cleric's were DMPCs and both were Harper Plants as one of the party wizards was the son of the evil sorceress in charge of the Hosttower in Luskan, and the other wizard was the son of the Sorceress's Rival.

Anyway, we had problems with the Clerics reporting our movements to the Harpers, so the wizards were very distrustful of them.

The third Cleric in our party, a Priest of Tymora, got along great with us. We were very impulsive as a group, and often times managed to take on things more powerful than we should because of luck (Tymora). The Cleric, as we adventured, seemed very protective of the Rogue, Jack, for some reason we couldn't really figure out. Rod, the Cleric's a name, always went out of his way to save Jack and it seemed kind of odd. We also noticed that Rod never actually bathed where any of us could see him, always went out of his way to seek privacy when needing to use the bathroom, and never took of his armor. We later played through a module in which the BBEG was a Drow Priestess that had a conjoined twin that was an equal level wizard/sorcerer (not sure which). During the fight, my character failed a save against Harm and died. The Drow tried to hit the Rogue with a Finger of Death, and Rod stepped forward, knocked off his helmet revealing very feminine features, screamed, "You B~$+@! DON'T YOU TOUCH MY MAN!" with Righteous Might on and whopped that Drow's Ass.

Turns out she had a crush on Jack, always sought privacy because she was hiding she was a female. This revelation didn't go very well with the already Clerically paranoid Wizards, but they settled their differences and things went well.

Later on, we visited one of the layers of Heaven, and Jack and Rodellia (her name) had some special alone time. Later on, there was a situation with a steel predator mauling Jack. Rodellia, freaked out, screamed out something about getting off her baby's daddy. Then turned to Jack and said, "By the way, I'm pregnant."

The look on the guy playing Jack was... indescribable.

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My party and I are looting the storage supplies of an evil alchemist...

GM: "Okay, you find 20 alchemist fires, 20 alchemist frosts, 20 antitoxins, 20 thunderstones..."

Johnny, the new player, interrupts: "Finally, I can evolve my pikachu."

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Can't believe I forgot this one, old but great;

The party was about to scale a sheer cliff face to a cave and sends their rogue up first to scout ahead. A, the rogue, climbs up with little difficulty and finds a Minotaur within the cave mouth. The rogue thought he convinced the Minotaur to spare him, and even made friends with some quick wordplay, but the monster lured him within and sprung a trap, nearly killing him. Later the party's dwarven priestess, P, takes him aside to find out exactly what happened after they had to rush in and save him. Once hearing the story...

P: The Minotaur bluffed you? They have an Int of 7 and a -1 Bluff modifier!
A: What!? They're naturally cunning! It says so in their stat block!

Liberty's Edge

Good thing I hit the preview button almost posted the same thing. And their were two minotaurs if I remember correctly and I think it was a pit trap I got stuck in. yea.. that was bad.

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

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The party is exploring a crypt. There are plenty of long dead skeletons and remains in alcoves.

The witch: "See, this is proof that you die alone, because these people have nobody."

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From Monday night's time-traveling Cyberpunk game:

"I don't care where we land, just make sure the crock pot doesn't spill."

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M: "Suck my balls, hound archon; I've got magic circle against good up."
A: "He can't; you've got magic circle against good up."

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A (playing a paladin at the time) *after being paralyzed with Dexterity damage*: "Tie me to the fighter; I still have lay on hands left!"

The party had come to a door that appeared to only open to when smeared in blood, not wanting to hurt themselves, the party has the sorcerer use a Summon Monster spell to get a hound archon...
W: "Cut yourself and smear your blood on the door."
Hound archon: "You didn't summon me; I don't have to do what you say."
A (who summoned the archon): "Do what he says."
Hound archon: "Why didn't you get something non-intelligent if you just need it to bleed instead of torturing me?"
A: "Because you can cast aid on us afterward."
Hound archon *sighing*: "Once I'm done here I'm going to get my trumpet archon friends to come back and have a little talk about this..."

Scarab Sages

One time my friend had planned this encounter, with an NPc named Kyrk. He was some german pirate captain with these crazy iron guantlets. When the party met him, the DM introduced him as Captain.....Kyrk. Then he realized what he had done.

Another time, i was running a savage worlds game, and the party had to cross a river. It had rapids, but they decided to wade across. Well the first guy trys a strength check and botches his roll (critical failure). He goes whisking away, and attempts a swim roll (he has no swimming skill). Botches that roll and begins to drown. His friend jumps in to save him, and botches his swimming roll also, and begins to drown. The part cleric summoned a water elemental to save them. It was the highlight of the nite - i had not planned that outside of it being a river on the map!

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Recently, in our pathfinder game, we discover a plan by the creatures of the darklands to invade the surface during an eclipse, and work a ritual that will forevermore darken the sun. The party begins wondering what they should do about it. The magus in the party is a LE individual who the party is trying to rehabilitate, after capturing him (they want him to kill his parents, a graveknight and a lich, for them).

Magus: "I have an idea, but you're not going to like it..."
Cleric of Lore and Double Entry Book-keeping: "We never like your ideas Sear."
Alchemist: "You think about magic too much. You should think scientifically."
Magus: "Fine then, what do you think we should do?"
Monk: "Stopping the invasion sounds like a plan."
Cleric: "There's no way we can protect all the ways they'll come up to the surface."
Rogue: "We should assassinate their leader, and then everything will fall into disarray and we won't have to worry."
Paladin: "I won't be party to assassinations."
Magus: "We don't need to! The moon is the real source of the problem here. All we have to do is turn the moon invisible! Than the eclipse won't matter, and they'll crawl back to their holes."
A brief moment of silence follows, as the rest of the players check to ensure that the magus's player did not sneak into the liquor cabinet. We were planning on stopping soon, and they needed to be good to drive.
Cleric: "Well, the good news is that we're having a positive impact on him. This is the first time that he hasn't suggested horrific and costly violence as method of solving his problem."
Alchemist: "True. When he said the moon was the source of the problem, I was worried he was going to say we should destroy it. Then I'd have needed to invent the Laws of Gravity to show him why that would be a bad thing."
Paladin: "Aye, it appears this redemption thing is actually possible. I never would have believed it."
Magus: "And after we turn the moon invisible, we can steal the artifact the drow are going to use to lock it in place, and use it as a giant focusing lens to burn up everyone who doesn't do as we say."
Alchemist: "Ooh... that sounds like a fun project, figuring out the curvature we would need and the focal point..."
The rest of the party face palms.

Later in the journey, the party sees a group of tengu walking out of town in the opposite direction of them. The magus immediately turns to the cleric (our nominal party leader) and says "Can I have a friendly match with one of them? You should wager on it!" And runs over to issue the challenge without waiting for a response. Cleric sits there fuming as the match is fought (we're only holding up a meeting with the avatar of a goddess to do this).

After the Magus wins (it's a close call), he comes back, all proud of his skills and such. "So, how much did you win betting on me?"
Cleric: "I put the wager against you, so we lost a thousand gold. It's coming out of your share of the loot"
Magus: "Why would you wager against me? And why is it coming out of my share?"
Cleric: "No one beats tengu in a sword duel! Why would I wager that you could manage an impossible task? You knew it was impossible, so you should have known how I was going to bet and thrown the match, that's why it is coming out of your share!"
Magus walks away muttering: "That's why no one else wins against tengu. Because they won't get paid if they don't throw the match."

Liberty's Edge

In my current game we have a very silly fighter. He almost always rolls 1s on perception. Our cleric finally said "Put your helmet on right Effsee."

He did and then rolled a 20 on perception.

The most fun we had was when I convinced the fighter that the will-o-wisps we saw through the mansion windows were actually giant fireflies. It went into a huge joke about how he needed a special net to catch them and a giant jar to hold them. I nearly had him racing back to town to buy them.

The rest of the group woke up due to his excitement and ruined my fun with it. He still wants to catch the giant fireflies though.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Maps, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Group is exploring the ruins of a lost Dwarven capital. They stone shape down into the caves, and come across a cavern filled with fungus (literally wall to wall fungus). They cut through it, then find more stone, and keep stone shaping through that. Eventually, they get out into a huge 2 mile diameter cavern... coated with 10 feet of fungus all around, and covering the floors. Mounds of fungus turn out to be 2 and 3 story buildings. One of the characters, a Gnome Oracle, is bummed out there's nothing to loot (given they'd have to excavate literally TONS of fungus to find anything). So, being bored, he's trying to find things to keep him busy. He tries a healing check to see if the fungus is edible, but fails the roll. Then he decides to start trying to find magic items using Detect Magic, after all if it will see through a foot of stone, surely it can see through 2-3 feet of fungus right?

Only the fungus is mildly magically active. So he can't see any auras through it. The inquisitor asks what kind of magic it is, and the gnome looks to the GM. The GM informs him it's a very minor necromancy aura.

The Gnome makes a disgusted face. "Oh yeah, well then I don't think I want to eat the necromantic mushrooms..."

Game stops while everyone laughs.

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

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The group is exploring the wilderness and spots a hippogriff flying high above. The party groups the horses and wagons to discourage attack and then succeeds on a High DC handle animal check to lure it to the ground. They gained a small bonus by leaving a pile of food and it landed and fed on it. The cleric wanted to get as close to it as possible and rolled a Handle Animal check for it. Natural 20 and the result was high enough to allow him to sit close enough to touch it without actually touch it. While he did that, the party discussed capturing it or finding some way to tame it. They eventually came to the conclusion that the best they could do was convince it to like them enough to follow it. The GM informed them that the DC was pretty high, and that it would take everything they had and all the luck in the world.

The entire party rolls, some only hoping to assist. The cleric rolls first and rolls a natural 20. The Sorcerer is next and rolls a natural 20. The Fighter rolls and, guess what, rolls a natural 20. The other two members only pull off assists. Everyone is freaking out about the three natural 20s in a row and the GM is shocked at what happened. Just for the heck of it, he rolls a d20 and... natural 20.

"Well," the GM quietly utters, "The dice have spoken. I'm going home."

He was joking of course, but the sight of him put his dice away and standing from the table just added to the moment and made everyone laugh.

4 people marked this as a favorite.

A party of 7 adventurers sneak up on 2 goblins.

Lance: They are only goblins so I attack
GM: roll for attack
Lance: rolls a 1
GM: potential critical fumble, roll to confirm
Lance: rolls a 2
GM: fumble confirmed, draws critical fumble card. You are unconscious for 1d4 rounds, rolls a 3
Goblin: Coude'gras
GM: Goblin did 6 dmage, you need a fortitude DC 10 + 6 or you die
Lance: rolls a 1 and fails fortitude save
GM: Yes they were only goblins
lol so much

Soaked in blood from goblins
Durgar: You smell like the captains old piss bottle he use to keep in his cabin.

9 people marked this as a favorite.

In a long ago 1e game; The party is stranded in the wilderness without a druid or a ranger and have finally run out of rations. Managing to kill a rabbit with a crossbow, one of the fighters takes the entrails and puts them on a rock.
Me (the DM): What are you doing?
Him: I'm going to use these rabbit guts as bait to attract game.
Me: *Blank stare*
Party: *Blank stares*
Him: What? Haven't you ever heard of using food to attract prey?
Other Party Member (OPM): Yes, of course. But...
Him: Well, dumba$$, that's what I'm doing.
OPM: Just exactly what sort of game are you trying to attract?
Him: I dunno, more rabbits, maybe? Some squirrels, maybe a deer?
Me: *trying not to step in and metagame as well as holding back a snicker*
OPM: *Shrugs and walks off* Ok, then.

Later I roll for an encounter check, and on my random table it comes up "Wemic hunting party". The Wemics, smelling the rabbit innards baking on a rock, come to investigate and find the party, who are interlopers in their territory, sitting around moaning about being hungry. The Wemics get the drop on them and attack immediately.

OPM: *during the fight* "Oh! Attract some game, he says! Rabbits and squirrels he says! Next time I'm using you for bait because I think you're nuts!"

We laughed. A lot.

Scarab Sages

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My wife is pretty new to gaming. I'm running them through Carrion Crown. In the beginning of Broken Moon they run into a couple of large werewolves. One of them starts to talk.

My wife: "WTF? They speak? OH, hell no! I'm outta here!" The expression on her face and that she actually pushed herself away from the table, had us rolling.

My wife is good for a lot of one-liners.

Society play. They found out they were going to be facing off against a bard. They were like "We got this."

Four rounds later, I've mopped the floor with the party. She looks at me, "Bard's are gay."

Another player has a barbarian that has an ability that allows him to grow spikes. He demonstrated it by putting his hands next to his chest and pops out his forefingers and makes a popping sound. My wife: "Great. Just what we need. A barbarian with a tittie hard-on problem."

Liberty's Edge

Lehmo wrote:

A party of 7 adventurers sneak up on 2 goblins.

Lance: They are only goblins so I attack
GM: roll for attack
Lance: rolls a 1
GM: potential critical fumble, roll to confirm
Lance: rolls a 2
GM: fumble confirmed, draws critical fumble card. You are unconscious for 1d4 rounds, rolls a 3
Goblin: Coude'gras
GM: Goblin did 6 dmage, you need a fortitude DC 10 + 6 or you die
Lance: rolls a 1 and fails fortitude save
GM: Yes they were only goblins
lol so much

Soaked in blood from goblins
Durgar: You smell like the captains old piss bottle he use to keep in his cabin.

And this is why we stoped using fumbles.

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Age of Worms:
This happened during the arena section.

Our DM has converted Age of Worms to Forgotten Realms, so we are in Waterdeep. We've been investigating and trying to find out where the worms are going, and we're pretty damn sure that the arena is involved.

The leader (owner?) of the arena is this noble and former champion, all scarred up and badass, and almost certainly guilty as hell. But we can't prove anything.

We are hired to go fight in the tournament, and while we are there we do some more digging and find a bit scary temple under the arena with a big scary worm monster.

2 PC deaths later we are running off with two bodies and our buddies soul trapped in a chest to the nearest temple to fix it.

Back to the arena, it's time for our last fight, only ... well ... we failed to stop the worm under the area from spawning, it erupts out of the ground during our last match, and the noble in charge turns into a death knight or whatever and starts monologuing.

At which point my friend shouts: "HEY! THE JIG IS UP! WE KNOW IT WAS YOU!"

It probably doesn't translate well in text, but man, we were in tears. I still laugh about it.

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"They're turning puppies into bombs; there's nothing more evil than that!"

"live by the magus, die by the magus." someone said after I got my magus knocked from 24 hp down to -8 by another magus in cyphermage dilemma.

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

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Paladin steps around a corner and looks in. He rolls a natural 1 on his perception check, and has the total result is below 5.
"All clear guys! It looks totally safe."
He moves in deeper. A dire boar charged him from the darkness. He takes a great amount of damage.

"Do I see him now?" Rolls again just for kicks, natural 1.

"Still safe guys! I just ran into something is all!"

I have two... the first was more a situation than a one liner.

The DM gave a young player a "Pick of Mundaneness" and player lite up thinking he got some cool magic item.

Needless to say, he wasn't laughing with the rest of us when he realized what mundaneness meant.

Yes the DM was a jerk... but it was funny.

The second was with my current group.

The player, an oracle, was asked how he knew his god was the right god or something to that effect.

In response he simply said, "Because she's white."

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My old gaming group had a on going Dragon-Lance game. It's an old school setting, I understand if newer players do not get the joke.

The DM's girlfriend wanted to play a Elf he had helped her roll up. She was not really understanding the cultural differences and we did our best to educate her when this gem slipped out. It went something like...

"There are different types of Elves you can choose from. The most common are the Qualinesti elves, the Silvanesti elves...."

She interrupts here:

"The LiptonIceTea Elves?"

I almost died laughing that night, no seriously, it felt like a sledgehammer had knocked the wind out of me. :D

Dark Archive

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Friend of mine playing in Witchfire Trilogy (Iron Kingdoms RPG) he and his party and camped for the night with him on watch (he was playing a male elf gunmage) when a Slayer helljack (8 ton construct with a mean temper and acidic claws) walked up to the camp.

DM: roll for spot
Gunmage(GM): ...rolls a 1 'I keep staring into the fire'
(DM calls for another check with same result. By this time the Slayer had walked up behind him)
DM: The Slayer taps you on the shoulder, everyone but the elf make a listen check as the elf screams like a girl)
Paladin: I thought all elves were girls. this just confirmed it.

"We'll just keep stabbing you until you get more clever."

3 people marked this as a favorite.

I was GMing "Curse of the Crimson Throne" AP in which the players receive 'harrow points' which they can use for a variety of things, in this case re-roll fortitude saves. During a fight with a bunch of were rats the druid got bitten. Afterwards -
GM - Right, fortitude save against lycanthropy.
Druid - 17
GM - Ok, that's fine.
Druid - can I use a harrow point to reroll it?

4 people marked this as a favorite.

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

We were doing a generic dungeon crawl when the DM suddenly had us swarmed by Kobolds who proceeded to surround and kick the crap out of the party. Finally after a decently long battle we win and as we go to open the door to the room the DM says, "When you open the door you see the Kobold chieftan waiting for his guards to return." The following conversation happens:

Fighter: OOH can I throw one of his own guards back at him?
DM: Uh, I don't know. Let me see your sheet.
Fighter: Ok *hands over sheet*.
DM: Nope sorry...
Fighter: Why not?
DM: You're not proficient in Kobolds.

I'm sure it's been used over and over again, but when we switched to Pathfinder first feat he took was Throw Anything.

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Old World of Darkness Changeling LARP, when facing a Goblin's booby-trapped laboratory:

"Alex, you just took a lawnmower to the face."

Pathfinder Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Any others?

From last week's mid-game digression (you know, that point where someone has to say something to break up the seriousness of the game, and the game devolves into a joke session for a few minutes? We've all had them...)

"Man, if we run into Jabba the Hutt in our next Star Wars game, and he stretches out on that big dais of his and says 'Ni shon wonna do nabba French Girls, Jack," I am OUT of there."

5 people marked this as a favorite.

Our dear DM often misspeaks. One of the most memorable was when we were exploring the second floor of a nasty, disgusting lumber mill that some blood cultists were using as a front. We see a 5' x 5' closet on the map, so we go explore it with good Perception rolls...

DM: "You find about twenty rogues in the closet."

Of course, he meant robes.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
StandAndFight wrote:
I submit for you the following: back in 3.5 I played an insane gnome artificer who had a penchant for coming up with crazy devices without thinking them through. to this end I kept a notebook of ideas, and when the party provided inspiration I wrote them down, now matter how absurd. These are the best...

My group also had a thing about gnomish inventions. The two that I recall best were the voice-operated espresso machine... that the parrot familiar figured out. "*skwak* ESPRESSO-ESPRESSO-ESPRESSO!!! *skwak*" and The Boots. The Boots used to be a simple pair of sneakers but after years of meticulous testing and engineering, with dozens of odd components and exotic materials grafted on, they no longer squeak when you walk across a wet floor. Dry floors on the other hand...

2 people marked this as a favorite.

In a d20 Modern GeneTech game I was playing a genetically modified anthropomorphic buffalo with a charisma of 7. We were breaking into the facility of a Russian drug cartel and had cleared most of the bottom floor, my character (the language expert) went to scout ahead. He encountered one of the bad guys coming down the stairs and a brief battle ensued. I did everything I could to keep it quiet, but the ensuing grapple involved a string of bad rolls and a lot of crashing into things and loud swearing before I could kill the guy. The rest of the crew upstairs heard the ruckus and shouted out "Peyter, what was that? Are you OK?", without missing a beat I improvised "I broke my leg!" my deep bass rumble of a voice, with an American accent (rolled a modified 0 on my bluff check).

With modifiers for distance and for not being particularly concerned about the missing man (he wasn't very popular), they rolled less than zero. Hilarity ensued.

Pathfinder Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

that is funny.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

in a shadowrun game that took place in 98, myself and 2 friends were playing at the dinning room table. My friend, nicknamed GUMP had just purchased an uparmored ford american bison, in shadowrun terms thats an RV with a s$*%-ton of armor. I think it had an armor value of 24..
anywho, i digress, So gump is prattling on and on about his new ride, how cool it is, how it is all terrain this, and has more armor than a main battle tank, and so on, so i, being the uncaring ork, walk up to it and proceed to scratch the paint with a fork that the ork carried with him.
Gump gets upset, and starts swearing, pissing and moaning about his new rides scratched up paint.
looking through his books and papers, he suddenly exclaims AHA! The bison shocks you, preventing you from damaging it! both the gm and i look at each other, and ask How? as we grab his books and papers and scour through them looking for that one piece of gear that he bought that could do that. Finally, we look up at his smirking face.

Because it has living amenities

The GM and I look at each other again, and proceed to laugh. We laugh so loud that it brings in the GMS step dad and friends. We explain what is so funny, and the old guys crack up as well. One laughed so hard he sat on the floor to keep from falling.

Gump, in the mean time, has a scowl on his face. Finally, when the laughter dies down, he asks Whats so funny?

The guy sitting on the floor asks Do you even know what living amenities are?

gump Yeah, they are a security feature that protects the RV from damage he says

We laugh louder this time, and at the point that he begins to pack up his books and is about ready to leave, the GM explains what living amenities are.

Yeah, the GM and i kept laughing at gump for a solid month after that, until his next great proclamation Where's india?!

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Because it has living amenities


This one takes some context, and I'm not sure if I'm telling it properly but it had us all laughing... Same character as above, the genetech game's overt bison moreau:

A cruise missile had experienced a malfunction in flight and failed to detonate. An unfriendly country had recovered it was gearing up to move it to an ultra-secure laboratory for reverse engineering. We hand once chance to recover it while it was still under guard at the military warehouse so we infiltrated the facility, took care of the guards, and left with the cruise missile (got to love the carrying capacity bonus for large creatures!).

The guards were fairly capable dog moreaus so we had to take them by complete surprise. My character had the stealth skills (I'd bought my Dex all the way up to 14, with the -4 racial penalty) so I got close, but was spotted at the last second. When I created the character, the GM had given me a fairly spiffy trait for my buffalo horns- he let them count as a natural weapon that I could use only during a charge to deal 1d20 subdual damage. I hadn't had a chance to use it yet but it seemed that this was the time. I rolled a critical, and the guard bounced three times before he came to rest.

We would often have little post-mission debriefings that were in the style of Ghost and the Shell's "Tachikomatic Days". In this one the forensics unit attempted to put together a sketch of the person who had infiltrated the facility. It was Merlin, on a hovercraft, with a bison's skull mounted to the grille.

14 people marked this as a favorite.

From last Saturday's Jade Regent game...

Large, very drunk viking approaches the party's witch in a tavern: "You killed my dog!"

The party's witch (a paragon of social grace), raising an eyebrow: "That's preposterous; I've never met your mother."

The GM: "...roll initiative."

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