Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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It's not a one-liner, but one of the players in our Jade Regent campaign has an in-character relationship chart and his character is tracking how everyone works out. The tone of it is absolutely amazing.

One character has a line to everyone else in the entire party with a note saying 'Gigolo?' to each one, as an example.


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Reminds me of Nepeta, from Homestuck. XD


Setting: I'm checking over my character sheet, another player is talking about his deaf girlfriend, and how hardcore she is in online gaming, she brutally kills opponents, takes no shi*, her enemies cry and lament.
I look up and say:

"I guess she was deaf to their pleas for mercy."

The timing was perfect. Laughs all round.


Ringtail wrote:

From last Saturday's Jade Regent game...

Large, very drunk viking approaches the party's witch in a tavern: "You killed my dog!"

The party's witch (a paragon of social grace), raising an eyebrow: "That's preposterous; I've never met your mother."

The GM: "...roll initiative."

Nonsense, we left your mother in high spirits. If you know what I mean.

:D


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Last night's Star Wars Saga game, the PC's are sneaking through the forests of the long-forgotten world Dularim, trying to sneak up on an abandoned Republic research base (now controlled by the ruthless pirate Korso Black), and are hiding in a dried out river bed from a squad of six of Korso's Czerka Mk4-G Combat Droids.

I have the PC's all make stealth checks to avoid being spotted.

The Jedi - easily makes the roll.
The Scout - easily makes the roll.
The Soldier - easily makes the roll.
The Scoundrel - rolls a 1.

...

The Scoundrel - uses "Knack" to force a reroll!

...

The Scoundrel - rolls a 1.

...

The Scoundrel - Asks if he can use a Destiny Point to force a reroll again. I tell him, that's not really in the list of things that it can do, but I find that list restrictive, so sure!

...

The Scoundrel - rolls a 1.

In Character, he stands up, dusts himself off, and turns to the others as the droids are moving off and says, loudly "Man! I am SO GLAD that I hid down here instead of up in that tree. They'd have seen me FOR SURE!"

We would later, after laughing our fool heads off, determine that the Destiny Point should (since it counts as a no-roll auto-crit in combat) count as a no-roll auto-20 in skill checks, but the imagery had us rolling.


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Someone posted this some time ago but we still update it. Our Great Game Quotes are real anecdotes from our personal game sessions.

You can find the rest here...

http://www.diasexmachina.com/

Desmond: "His eyes are fixed and pupilated."
GM: "Pupilated?!"

Desmond: "I roll to attack Mike. What's your AC?"
Mike: "28."
Desmond: "Hit, take 40 damage."
Mike: "Ok…that hurt."
Desmond: "That was a warning shot."
Mike: "It was a what?! Warning shots are supposed to miss you A@*&&$$!"

GM: "You approach the carriage. You look inside and see people chained to the walls."
Grayson: "You think they're slaves?"
Conan: "What do you think?"
Grayson: "It could be a bondage thing. Are you slaves? Are you consenting to this?"

Brad: "Throw some grenades."
Conan: "I just used two."
Brad: "Well, use two more."
Conan: "I only have fourteen of these."
Brad: "WHAT?!"
GM: "So you whip open your coat to show two bandoliers with seven grenades each and say, 'I only have this many'!?"

Conan: "Can you heal Desmond?"
James: "No, I won't because he went off on his own even though I told them to stay close."
Desmond: "That's helpful."
Conan: "In all defense, James, you were the one that ran off. In fact, the only time in this entire encounter that Desmond has moved was when he was bull rushed by a Rhinoceros. In which case, you have to give it to him. In fact, unless my eyes deceive me, the Rhinoceros actually pushed Desmond towards YOU.

GM: "Up ahead, you see a mountain that has no reason being there."
Brad: "You have NO BUSINESS HERE MOUNTAIN!"
GM: "I mean it stands out from the other hills around it."
Brad: "F%#@ YOU MOUNTAIN! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!"

GM: "They pour wine. It’s white."
MIKE: "Ugh…White?"
BRAD: "YOU'RE BLIND! How would you know? It’s not BRAIL WINE!"

CONAN: "I let my hat hang behind me from the strap."
GM: "The neck strap? Your hat weighs like five pounds. It's cutting the circulation in your neck."
CONAN: "Like being choked by a weak midget."

RENE: "Hey, Conan, there is molten silver down there to make silver bullets. Get a bag."
CONAN: "Why would I want to make bullets from molten silver?"
RENE: "It's safe to assume you would eventually cool this silver."
CONAN: "Yeah, but I don't keep bullet forms with me! I'm not going to shoot monsters with solid cash! Why in the world would I carry around a bag of molten silver?"
GM: "Ok...throughout all of this, you both failed to acknowledge the fact that you can't have a sack filled with molten silver. Either you'll have a bag with a hole in it or you'll have a solid chunk of silver."
CONAN: "No, I can."
GM: "It's not mercury. You're talking absolute s~~% again."

CONAN: "We can theoretically make this prisoner's death really slow and really painful. He might change his mind about talking."
GRAYSON: "Noooo, that'll take time."
(Everyone laughs)
CONAN: "Not against it on a moral basis; he's just really lazy!"
GM (imitating): "I'm too lazy to hurt you.
BRAD (imitating): "Giuseppe, torture him. I don't wannnaaaaa!"

GM: "The giant spider pounces on you, Lorne, and you fall back into the water."
LORNE: "Help me."
BRAD: "I want to...but it's gross."

Grand Lodge

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Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Pathfinder Accessories, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

"You could prepare Know Direction."

Temple of Empyreal Enlightenment:
After the Taldan Druid spent the last two game hours trying to figure out how to accomplish his mission.

I lost it.


A line stolen from Family Guy, but still amusing.

Our party was alseep in my Folding Boat at the edge of lakeshore, awaiting the dawn to find and kill a high level Druid.

In the middle of the night our Oracle thinks she sees a Gigantic Frog-Like creature in the water. She was scared and yet strangely unwilling to wake up the entire group. So, she shook awake my CG Dwarven Barbarian who was very tired as he just came off watch.

Oracle: "Wake up! I think I saw a horrible monster in the water!"

Barbarian: "Ah, you're just having your period."

At which point he rolled over and went back to sleep. She shrugged and went back to sleep as well....even though she was on watch for two more hours. Luckily, no attack came.

Sigh....so many more I know I have forgotten.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 8

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Not in-game, but it happened at a roleplaying session. One of our players was driving from another town. He ended up being quite late so we asked what happened. "I took a wrong turn and then I stopped to call a girl in Athens." "But Athens is long distance." (This was back when those calls were expensive).

"Not if you're there."


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In one game our paladin recovered a glowing mace from the BBEG. He took it as his treasure pick and then decided it needed a cool name.

"Evil has reason to fear this day for I now wield the power of Light Bright!" exclaimed the paladin clearly hoping others would be inspired by his improvised holy name for the weapon... Instead we were all rolling on the floor laughing. To this very day jokes fly about how the crystal studs on his glowing mace can be moved around to make colorful pictures. :)


I am putting this one under a spoiler button for those who are playing Savage Tide.

Spoiler:
We are playing Serpents of Scuttlecove. The PCs hear how Vanthus has risen from the grave and has attacked Lavinia's house, riding on a nightmare, in order to kidnap her.
We have a group with neutral and evil characters. One player is playing a LE ranger/blackguard, who is also a girl of 17 years old (the character, not the player).
Her comment after hearing this story:
"You can say what you like about Vanthus, but not that he isn't romantic!"
Then she adds this other girlish comment:
"Ooh, I want that horse!"

Liberty's Edge

This one's more of a stupid player story than an intentional joke.

Age of Worms:
One of the players in my AoW game is a genuine piece of work. This is the same player who had her PC wander off during Prince Zeech's party after being expressly told not to (and was almost killed by Blessed Angels before being rescued by my co-DM's DMPC), and who feels the need to touch every single ancient cursed artifact for no good reason. There are two comments of hers that stand out in particular:

1. Upon being ambushed by the black dragon alchemist Ilthane: "Wait, don't attack! We mean you no harm!"

2. Upon seeing anything new since the first Spawn of Kyuss they encountered: "Is he/she/it wormy?" This is made worse by the fact that she has asked this of just about everything and everyone in the game, including Manzorian (no), Prince Zeech (no), the Harbinger (yes), the other party members (no), Lashonna (technically no), the Ebon Aspect (no), a golem made of rope, and an actual giant worm.

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

In an old west game, the party was paid to dress like Indians and set a few houses in town on fire. One PC doesn't have the ability to lie and rode whooping like he thought the braves did while yelling, "I am not an Indian!"

When it came time to take the disguises off: "I take my scalp off like an Indian does." The team had to explain what that meant to the poor PC.


This happened last time we played.

An NPC asks for proof that the PCs know some scholars to gain access to a certain academy. Since none of the players seemed to recall anyone, we were asked to roll INT to remember, which only the party's Witch passed. Note that the Witch has a charisma score of 9.

Witch: We know [old senile scholar].
DM: Roll diplomacy.
Witch's player: What? Why me, can't [bard] do it?
DM: You're the one talking, you get to roll.
Witch's player: <rolls die: 1> Well, in that case I'm rolling zero.

Possibly the greatest Diplomacy check ever rolled in the game :) We got a few laughs from that.


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Stuck at an iron door in Carrion crown.

GM: You cant budge this.

Monk: Break it down

Gunslinger: Holding up his hand and pointing at the Dwarfs Lurcern Hammer.

STOP!!! HAMMER TIME!

Rest of the table = stunned silence then laughter.


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One player talking about the party Kitsune currently in 'human' disguise:
"Hmm.. She doesn't talk much... I don't trust her... She's going to end up being the boss, isn't she?!"
Kitsune player: "and this isn't even my final form!"

Dark Archive

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Brox RedGloves wrote:
I'd like to hear some of the funny stuff said/done at the game table (in game please) that made the whole table laugh.

I was playing a NG cleric, who healed anyone in need regardless of circumstances. Looked after orphans, did all sorts of good stuff in game. goodly, heroic character....

But as a player I asked every other player what their max HP's were as they leveled and wrote them at the top of my spell list so I could sudo track their damage and see how hurt they were.

As as we hit 12th level or so, and as everyone ws getting something to eat and someone had leveled I asked said player his HP's and wrote them down.....said:

"Thanks. Now I know how many HP's you and everyone have just in case I want to kill you off. what, you didnt think I did all this out of the goodness of my heart did you?"

Every stopped what their doing and looked at me and the DM just laughed and laughed and laughed.....and then they joined in. it was so out of left field no one really considered the fact that that might have been what I was doing, nor were they too sure whether I was kidding or not.

The Exchange

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Dalsine Affair.

The halfling gunslinger is surrounded by Dawnflower Network girls.

"So... Want to see my powder horn?"

Dark Archive

It wasn't me. It was the other tengue!
After we invaded the mite layer in kingmaker and quickly left. when we thought we might have the chance to negotiate with them later, we thought it would not work because they spotted the tengue alone. after the player came up with the above line We encouraged the player to buy new cloths and try to get away with it.

You didn't even hear me scream.
After I was assaulted by two full attacking trolls before I even got a turn and was knocked out on conscious. Thankfully, the Full plate I just qualified to wear and buy prevented both(or all four) claws from hitting to add rend damage. Otherwise I would have been dead.


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Hard to portray because it's all in the timing and tone, but I'll try:

Scenario 1: One of our players ("J") always played the exact same character in every 3.5 campaign we played: A buxom, dark (brown) skinned, white-haired female elven archer (Ranger) of Chaotic Neutral alignment. Basically Storm of the X-Men with pointy ears and a bow. Personality wise she was basically a "get rich quick" schemer, constantly trying to con (or "charm") just about every merchant or person of authority in town to try to get the things (s)he wanted (usually money). Bear in mind that "J" is a 30ish human male player for imagery's sake.

So at one point in one of our campaigns "J" has wandered off with the Half-Orc Barbarian ("B") to try to find the "general store" owner of the particular town we were in. They knock on the door, and the shopkeepers 10-year old daughter opens the door.

"J" says in a "soothing" voice: "Hello little girl, is your father home?"

GM as little girl: "No..."

"J" says in the same soothing tone, but at a strangely "urgent" tempo and responding practically before the DM has finished answering: "Can I come in?"

It was a case of OOC blurring the line but his delivery was so perfectly creepy that the entire table ended up in tears.

Scenario 2: Same player, same character, different campaign, trying to pawn off loot from our last adventure on one of the local merchants:

"J": "But these daggers were forged with iron from the legendary Mines of Galidor!" (Completely making this up as he goes along)

*NPC refuses to buy them for a copper more than he originally offered*

"J": "Well, how about I just trade them for a quiver of masterwork arrows?"

NPC: "No, that'll cost you the daggers and 2000 gold pieces."

"J": "2000 gold pieces, that's outrageous!"

NPC *deadpan*: "They're made with wood gathered from the fabled Forest of F***youtopia."

*Cue laughter*

Scenario 3: We had invited a new fellow to our game who turned out to be...a little odd, even by gamer standards. At one point in our session, this new player goes off on a completely non-sequitur tangent in conversation that has nothing to do with the game or well, anything that was really being discussed previously (seriously it was about the ice in his cup cracking). As he concludes, one of our other players, who is ordinarily one of the nicest and most inoffensive guys you'll meet responds in a positively acidic tone:

"Yeah man, I like Chocolate Chip Cookies, too."


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in an evil FR campaign I played a rogue who was best buddies forever with the party barbarian. So my character got badly wounded and was dying. Wedidn't have any potions or healing spellcasters in the group so the barbarian carted him to the next temple and asked them to stabilize my character. Once the priest gave him a price my rogue woke up for a short moment to say "Don't waste my wonderful gold on such trivialties! I'll walk it off!"


I have to take the credit for this one...

In my Runelords game, our Ulfen barbarian has a 13 Int and several Knowledge skills-- he fancies himself a bit of a scholar, but the player plays him as someone who gets bogged down and obsessed with the details rather than seeing the big picture.

They defeated a stone giant wizard and were interrogating him.

At one point, the barbarian smacked the giant after he didn't like the answer, and went on for a bit about why the giant had just contradicted himself.

Giant: "You seem learned for an Ulfen."
Barbarian: "Wow. Was that a compliment?"
Giant: "Why yes. I've never ecountered a pedantic Ulfen before."


A good one just popped in my KM PBP game,
note that this is after defeating a party of goblins who ate bags of T.Bell beans and a dragon roaring in the distance.
Link goes to start of goblin encounter

Our rogue thug (Asok), and playboy Fighter (Mikka) discuss on how to deal with a nearby dragon that may threaten the group

Asok says gravely. "But I suggest we double the watches while we rest for the next few days, and be extra wary while we travel."

Mikka says gravely."We should definitely try to be less tasty, as well. I will endeavor to do my part, though I am given to understand that I am quite tasty to the opposite sex."

Asok says with a smirk."You may be in danger if it's a she-Dragon, then, Mikka. Maybe you should eat a bag of those beans. That might make you less appealing."

Mikka says "Only if you promise to keep any flames away. I'd hate to kill us all with a sudden expulsion of gas!"
---------------
Link
Link goes to start of discussion


Fromper wrote:

Druid: "I throw my badger at her."

Do you really need the context?

must've had an angry beaver


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In our old 1st edition game we had these two assasin players who were always trying to outdo one another. Both of them had great personalities and senses of humor. Here are just two stories I remember:

The group was hired to kill this ancient black dragon who had been a menace for ages. We arrived in the town nearest the dragons stomping grounds and did a bit of carousing and fact finding in the local tavern. What we didnt know was that the dragon had a weredragon ally who kept a lookout in town for potential threats. This weredragon had a beautiful human female form, and she put the moves on one of the assasins, sipping a little something in his drink as well as charming him. She then led him to her room to "pump" him for information on our group. The other assasin was striking out with the ladies and decided to follow his buddy to see what was up.

The weredragon got the info she wanted, left the 1st assasiin with a suggestion that he had had a "wonderful" time, and left via the window of the room. The 2nd assasin comes in, notices the goofy look and glazed countenance of his friend as well as the open window. Judging the situation, he has a good inkling of what has happened and unbuttons his shirt a few button and waits. As the 1st assasin is coming around, still a little delirious and confused, he looks at the 2nd assasin standing there in the act of buttoning up his shirt with a big smile on his face. 2nd Assasin quote: "So, was it good for you too?"

On another occasion we were exploring this dungeon and came across a pitiful little girl sobbing and chained to a wall. Assasin 2 (from above) had a little training as an illusionist and noticed something was wrong. Making his save, he sees the little girl for the evil male spellcaster lying in wait that she really is. Springing to the attack he begins stabbing the little girl and is quickly joined by assasin 1, while the rest of the party reacts in shock and disgust! Finishing the evil caster off, assasin one turns to his buddy and says:"So, you saw through the illusion too?" to which assasin 2 replies, "What illusion?" Laughter explodes around the table.

Grand Lodge

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Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Pathfinder Accessories, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

"Are you framing me for murder?"
"Well...yeah."
"I don't think I've ever been more proud of you!"


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I was playing in a homebrew survival-horror campaign. Our party comes to a room with a little ghost girl in it. During a conversation with her, one of the party members asks "Little girl do you know your dead". The little girl then proceeds to turn into a demon and slaughters all of us.

Needless to say that was the end of that campaign.


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"You're".

The party being killed was the consequence of your incorrect usage.

Grand Lodge

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(In PFS, had to get past Reefclaws!)
Robster Craw!

(PFS, failed a drinking contest)
Get him, boys! (Attempts a lion's call) RAAGGH BLECCCH!

Didn't see this one, but two of my friends decapitated one guard, and used him as a meat puppet to intimidate him "You better do as he says!"

(In a dungeon, bunch of skeletons!)
Maybe they're the valets.
(I attack)
I swing my warhammer with nary a word!
Hey, let me help you with the aaaggh!

Liberty's Edge

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From tonight's game:

"I'm fine, it's the voices in my head that are crazy!"


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The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

From tonight's game:

"I'm fine, it's the voices in my head that are crazy!"

In our Kingmaker campaign, we have a Sorcerer named Tith (also the King) and his name stands for Touched In The Head. It's the voices that he hears that guides the edicts of our Kingdom.

Then my character, as the Grand Diplomat, changes the edicts to ones that make sense.


Something goes bad for the pcs, in my best Dave Chappelle's voice:

"I don't make the rules."


"I'm pretty sure that HP Lovecraft warned against such dangerous, foolish practices as crawling and indexing all the logs on the IRC server."


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Ok, so in my first ever D&D campaign, I was playing a 3.5 little girl duelist (team pet/ token loli/ little miss badass, etc.) Lo and behold the team's Fighter (a woman named Marino, who held the nickname among the party as 'Mari') gets killed right infront of her.

In a sincere cry as close to the appropriate character as I could manage (and relative to my status as a full grown man, I'd say I did pretty well) I shouted out "MARIIII!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Many laughs were had that day.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013 Top 8

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Roleplaying a Red Wizard NPC in a FOrgotten Realms game, I was asked by the party if I thought Elminster and his ilk would be an asset to a certain cause. His response was less than gracious, and when asked why Ssaz Tam and the Red Wizards despised such a noted mage, I replied off the cuff "It's an East Coast-West Coast thing."

I didn't expect it to be that funny but I guess I roleplay bad guys with a certain gravity. Completely caught off guard, the players laughed and the game came to a crashing halt.

Steve Helt, scene-killer.


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That one is really silly, but here we go:

In 3.5:

Player A: (before an encounter, look to the ranger and said in character) "Look at that beast, it's huge!"
Player B: (look at the grid) "Nope. It's just Large."

It's pretty dumb, but at the time everyone laugh.

Another one I just remember:

After their first dungeon crawl, where almost get totally beaten by a group of 4 kobolds (the legendary "4 kobolds encounter"), they finally made it to the exit. Suddenly, the Monk becomes serious and tell the rest of the party:

Monk:"If anyone EVER ask about this day, you will say that were OGRES that lived in that cave, do you understand me? That will be our first dark secret."


Happened in my first Play-by-Post:

Party meets in tavern for the first time (original!). One of the PCs is a chatterbox elven Wizard that knows 7 languages or so and also has a raven familiar with whom he talks to. Wizard proceeds to speak to everyone in the party in their own languages while also talking to himself and his named raven familiar.

My PC (offensive dwarven barbarian) greets him thusly: "I knew that surface dwellers liked to give names to their birds, but I've never met anyone who would also talk to it."

Needless to say, the elf never really liked the dwarf after that. But at least he stopped talking in seven languages per post.


Reshar wrote:

That one is really silly, but here we go:

In 3.5:

Player A: (before an encounter, look to the ranger and said in character) "Look at that beast, it's huge!"
Player B: (look at the grid) "Nope. It's just Large."

It's pretty dumb, but at the time everyone laugh.

Another one I just remember:

After their first dungeon crawl, where almost get totally beaten by a group of 4 kobolds (the legendary "4 kobolds encounter"), they finally made it to the exit. Suddenly, the Monk becomes serious and tell the rest of the party:

Monk:"If anyone EVER ask about this day, you will say that were OGRES that lived in that cave, do you understand me? That will be our first dark secret."

The monk is wise beyond his years.


The very same Monk (BTW, the Monk's name is Oleg and is a semi-orc) after get named as party leader:

Monk: "Now, this is not a democracy. This is an Orkcracy!"


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I once had a character, in all honesty say:

"If there ISN't a landmine under my bed, I'm going to be very upset"

Sczarni

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It's my first time GMing Pathfinder, starting what's supposed to be a highly atmospheric horror-themed campaign. The players are in a creepy graveyard.

ME: "The ground shakes and trembles! Then suddenly, up from the ground come --

[DRAMATIC PAUSE]

PLAYER: "A bubblin' crude?"


Ogres and various other Giants rise from the Ground.

My Dwarven Fighter: "Well this is gonna be a fun day. It has been a while since I slayed anything that ugly."


^This is especially funny coming from a Dwarf.


Especially an outcast whose face is mostly a scar do to a run in with a Magma Dragon. He literally keeps his beard shaved do to the appearance it gives him.

Though the beard isn't why he is/was an outcast.


Can't remember it exactly, but the line involved a Girdle of Helm.

Digital Products Assistant

Removed a post. Please revisit the messageboard rules.

Silver Crusade

Trinite wrote:

It's my first time GMing Pathfinder, starting what's supposed to be a highly atmospheric horror-themed campaign. The players are in a creepy graveyard.

ME: "The ground shakes and trembles! Then suddenly, up from the ground come --

[DRAMATIC PAUSE]

PLAYER: "A bubblin' crude?"

Heh. Beverly Hillbillies FTW!!! LOL


We've got a Warhammer 1e game going on which also uses the 'fate point' mechanic. Certainly one interpretation of the nature of a fate point is to undo an unavoidable death. 'It is your fate to live on to do greater things'...

That version of fate points has never really sat well with me, firstly from the standpoint that they are there to mitigate the overkillyness of your gm, and 2, like airbags in cars, once you know they're there, the gm doesnt really have as much of a deterrent from being overkilly.

So to subvert that reality it occurs to me that with airbags... even the PLAYER doesnt really have as much of a deterrent to going a little nuts. And in that spirit why waste a fate point avoiding a silly stupid death. Why not use your fate points to live gloriously so that when you do inevitably die you will have done what fate points were meant to do. It let you be a glorious, brightest-burning candle that, though he burnt out twice as fast, at least leaves behind a brief but impressive legacy of having done awesome things...

On that note, our resident 'always-plays-the-horny-charismatic-elven-bardy-type' dude was doing what he knows best and was wooing some high fallootin gorgeous noblewoman. He made some good rolls, used a few 'luck modifiers' on some rolls, and wound up being invited back to her place for some spirited role-play of their own... To which the gm asks him to make toughness [the equivalent some fortitude] rolls to see 'how long he lasts in the bedroom... so to speak.' By then all of his luck modifiers were used up, and being an elf his toughness was not so high... He did not last long... My response?

"FATE POINT!" Come on. If you're going to play a lush, put those fate points where they count. If I were the gm i wouldnt go so far as to say 'if you dont use a fate point then you're not playing in character' but man... Know your role. Even if the gm was a stickler for the first interpretation of fate point use it could still be argued that he was using it to avoid 'falling in combat'


Party were fighting terror turkeys with barbarian levels, they turned out to be quite tough and dangerous.

DM: You hit the turkey for 19 damage, it is no longer fresh.

The Equalizer: the Turkey is no longer fresh? It sounds like we are at the market.

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