In fact, while I'm at it, one of my friends keeps a Tumblr blog specifically documenting D&D quotes just about every session.
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"My character is a vegetarian that only eats sentient plants."
[Gets stink eye from Druid's Assassin Vine]
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I'm playing an Orc Barbarian with a rather perverted mind. One of the females in our group is playing a female character who's day job is dancing.
Me: Orc has deadly two ax.
Other player: Actually that's an ax that's cracked in two... here take this.
*player tosses me a sheet with the new ax's stats on it. And then proceeds's to get up to grab a drink.*
*i see the incredible stats on the new ax.*
Me: WOW NICE ASS!!!! *i actually meant to say ax....*
*everyone bursts into laughter.*
Third player: Please tell me that was in character.
Me: Uh ya totally....
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We're playing the card game Munchkin Pathfinder, and certain types of cards just will not come up for one of the players, though everyone else at the table is getting them to spare. Player channels the Rolling Stones and sings: "I can't get no...Class or Faction..."
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GM: "Is anyone carrying any grenades?"
DarkRaider: "I've got some casual grenades."
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My brand spanking new paladin channeled Buffy and said "He'd dumber than a box of really dumb things."
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Back in 3.5 during our epic-in-scope game (multiple groups, lots of players in a given group, various interweaving plotlines, sometimes intersecting and sometimes diverging all following a general plotline).
Guy Ay: played a wizard who worshiped Mystra who wanted to get the Shadow Weave from Shar. Shar blessed him with things for reasons he didn't understand. Very good player, relatively skilled at character-optimization, and lots of metagame knowledge that he worked to get as in-character knowledge in order to avoid metagaming. He did very well, and often helped other optimize their character concepts.
Guy Bee: a relatively new player; played a svirfneblin psion.
Guy sCee: guy Bee's friend; haven't seen him here before.
Guy eFf: another player who plays a rogue; part-time, but cloak-and-dagger style intrigue
So, Ay's in the first session Bee introduces sCee, but Bee and Ay have to leave because of work. After some discussion (and some pointers from Ay, who laughingly suggested he "should have been a Halfling"), sCee wants to build a human rogue (he does, quickly), inspired by eFf's character a half-elf rogue. They play for an adventure and eFf leaves for work after Ay. Based on stuff that was happening, sCee's character is kind of stuck really far away, and the action switches back to Ay and Bee's side of the city (Ay still being at work). After a few minutes, deciding he really liked rogues, sCee declares his human just kind of wanders off (entirely in-character for the guy, by the way) not realizing that adventure was happening in the other direction (so very in-character); he then rolls up another one - a Halfling with Bee's help. A very minor back-story about the Halfling and the svirfneblin having met each other (in a friendly way) some time ago ensues. Bee leaves - probably for work, but I've forgotten by now.
So Ay comes back, the new crew sit down, and we begin talking up what's happened last time. Everyone's in the governor's manner (a terrible man who'd effectively kidnapped them and forced them to adventure for the city; by now they've earned their freedom, but they still didn't like him, though they were "playing nice" for now). After rolling it up, so was... a Halfling thief (attempting to rob the place blind.
Upon hearing that sCee was a Halfling... Ay immediately gets this look of horror and declares, "I check my pockets!" and then does out-of-character and in. There's a moment of silence, then some chuckles as the tension breaks. From that point on whenever anyone mentioned Halflings, everyone in the group immediately declared, "I check my pockets!" It was great.
... and then the Halfling began living up to it, swiping a little gold here and there from the party, from the manner, from NPCs, from all sorts of things; miraculously he was almost never noticed by anything.
After some amazing stealth and sleight of hand checks (with four different sets of dice!), he'd successfully robbed most of the pocket change (but none of the really valuable stuff, on purpose) from the rest of the party... and the governor... who was now noticeably lacking several important medals, jewelry, and even a few small weapons, and cleverly hid them on his person.
Realizing they were going to be in big trouble soon, the wizard player, terrified, declared they were leaving, suggestioned the governor out of the room, knocked the Halfling unconscious (he'd seen him some time earlier, but dared not bring attention to him for fear of the governor's reaction), and put him in a bag of holding, while quickly fabricating fake versions of the governor's stuff for the governor to find (not taking the time to find the real stuff because he was nervous). sCee just enjoys the whole thing.
After some time (and maybe a different playing session?) sCee's character wakes up still in the bag (the other party members ensured he had air), as they discussed the fate of "the Halfling" (they'd failed to find the stuff on him with lousy search checks). Waking up and hearing about "the Halfling", sCee bolts upright and declares, "Halfling?! I CHECK MY POCKETS! ... oh! It's all the stuff I stole! :D"
... silence...
... followed by uproarious laughter. We... made the other patrons nervous, I think, but it was awesome. Guy never played more than three sessions of the game, but his Halfling was considered a member of the party until the end, and every time I've played with any of those guys since, when "Halfling" is mentioned, they immediately declare "I check my pockets!" (and only half-jokingly).
Good times.
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GMing a Way of the Wicked campaign and the party is finishing off a paladin and discussing what to do with his corpse.
Drow ninja: As I coup-de-grace him, I carve out his heart in supplication to my god.
Witch: My cacodaemon familiar devours his soul and turns it into a soul gem.
Antipaladin: I'm stripping his armor; it looks shiny.
Necromancer: Can I raise him as a zombie? I need another minion.
Witch: Oh, let me remove his brain first, I need it for the golem I'm building.
Me: You guys are horrible...
Antipaladin: Hey, Father Asmodeus teaches us to use every part of the buffalo.
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This one happened in our last session of Cyberpunk 2020. We had tracked a guy who sells some certain combat drugs to an apartment and secured other exits while one of our big musclemen went to the frotn door. After knocking, conversation went as follows
"Would you like to let Jesus into your house?"
"No, go away."
"Well then, would you like to let your door into your house*
Then he proceeded to kick the door in with his cyberlegs.
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Ok, so I'm GM-ing this adventure, and my intrepid party is exploring a cave system near a swamp. This was early on 3.0, when a water hazard could stop a party dead in its tracks. So the group is standing by this pool of water, looking at it and wondering how to cross w/o drowning.
Our Bard (who dumped int) is holding the torch, and he goes near the water for a closer look. He tells me:
"I'm lowering the torch to the water so I can see how deep it is."
I look at him with *that* look and ask: "Are you really dipping your burning torch into the water? It'ss get put out!"
Straight-faced as ever he looks back at me and says:
"Nuh-uh...I'm holding it by the other end..."
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"Who gave him that? Did you give him that? DID YOU GIVE HIM THE GOLEM?"
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My bard, when a gargantuan crab attacked the party:
"We're going to need more butter."
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Fighting against a group of Ulfen warriors with a bomb-happy alchemist:
"Vikings don't negotiate with terrorists!"
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"My Bluff is +9"
"You know, for an honorable guy, you sure are good at lying."
"I'm an aristocrat."
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Yesterday I was on a roll.
I was typing notes on my tablet. When I typed "bearded devil", autocorrect changed it to "breaded". Yum.
GM, describing the devil attacking the party's fighter:
"The big creature pulls out his nastiness and thrusts it at you."
Me: "Ew, he's thrusting his nastiness at you!" (apparently I'm 12)
Other player: "The devil's running on adrenalin now."
Me: "No, he's running on infernalin."
One of the players painted a mini of the campaign BBEG, and had it sitting on the table even though the BBEG wasn't there. During combat he moved the mini closer to the party minis. The BBEG in this campaign is a cyclops.
Me: "Stop moving that mini closer! I don't want to see him that close."
Player 1: "But he has bad depth perception. He can't tell how far away he is."
Player 2, speaking as the BBEG: "I'm not that close."
The devil arrived in a wagon drawn by undead horses.
GM: "The horses have already been risen twice."
Me: "They're leavened horses."
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From tonight's Justice League Unlimited game:
"All of the windows on the warehouse shatter, sending glass and metal flying in every direction, as hundreds of five-foot-tall Betty-bots leap into action, washing toward you in a Flapper-themed wave of destruction."
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Gives new meaning to "Boop Boop a Doop."
There were also Betty Bombs, too. :)
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Our party Barbarian wields an Intelligent weapon, that's voice sounds like Randy "Macho Man" Savage. So, the logical thing to do was...
...Open up a Macho Man soundboard on my laptop. Never laughed so hard in years!
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This one comes up a lot. I laugh every time.
GM: (Reaches the end of reading aloud a letter, note, or other handout)
Player: "and at the end....EXPLOSIVE RUNES!"
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So, this isn't precisely a one-liner, but it was certainly funny at the time. I used to play Diablo 2 A LOT, but didn't know that many of my other party members had played it enough to get to the cow level. So we're on this adventure and someone says something about a cow and I start "Moo. Moo. Moo moo. Moo" and at the same time THREE of the other people in the party did the EXACT same thing. Without anyone mentioning the game, just the mention of a single cow set us all off. We got a good laugh out of that.
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Playing the Carrion Crown AP, this line came up at one point:
Me: If you had bought a weapon cord you could have attached the baby to it so you'd have both hands free for your bow.
This came up years ago in a house game:
Me: OK, so now that I've got hold of the snake I'm going to kill the fire beetles with it.
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When I played We Be Goblins!, I took the role of Poog the Cleric.
"Poog think that...that...maybe he like boys."
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During tonight's SWTOR run:
"I Cunning to misbehave, because Aim is not my primary stat."
And that's how he broke Guild Chat, Your Honor.
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Was playing a World of Darkness game that quickly escalated into the party being split into two factions. One group was trying to protect a young girl PC carries out ritual murders in her sleep and then mysteriously escapes from police custody to do it again... all while asleep. She had some people who were trying to figure out what was going on and as such trying to protect her from herself and others. Other PCs who were originally trying to help her but were then paid a large sum of money to see her dead. I was the girl's crooked appointed attorney and part of the "kill her for money" faction, as was my PC bodyguard, a street thug with questionable morals.
One thing led to another and the girl and her protector are being chased by police through an apartment building. My bodyguard is ahead of the police and trying to carry out a murder. He sees them run into a building and figures they will go for a roof top escape so he runs into only building close enough to jump to. He was right. He gets up there and hunkers down and waits, specifying he will jump up and pisol whip the first person who makes the jump. And here they come. The little girl goes first, and BAM! Right in the face, and she tumbles down off the roof.
My bodyguard's immediate, ice cold delivered, in character response?
"B+%!&es be trippin."
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Smuggler's likeDuring tonight's SWTOR run:
"I Cunning to misbehave, because Aim is not my primary stat."
And that's how he broke Guild Chat, Your Honor.
usyou are the reason we can't have nice things.
I can't take credit for that one, as I play the Sage in that group, but I'll have you know that he is more of an Aggressive Acquisitions Specialist than a Smuggler, and he gets us lots of very nice things, thank you very much.
We were talking about a player's strange choices in multiclassing as he went 8 levels in rogue, before taking a single level in wizard, then a single level in fighter.
"Why couldn't you take levels in something strong or useful?"
"Like what?"
"How about a few levels in Hammerdin?"
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My party is big on including animals in our adventures. We have a druid's mountain lion and a ranger's wolf as regular companions, and the druid will frequently speak to the animals or turn into one herself.
Both the bard and the druid have gotten a little obsessed with summoning animals in combat, too.
The druid's player was looking through the summoned animal list, trying to pick a good one for our fight, when she said:
"At no level can you summon a goat? That seems unrealistic."
(Because shooting fire from your hands or turning into a bird? TOTALLY realistic.)
Then we found the wondrous figurines and that mollified her a little. In the meantime, she discovered she could summon a rhino. AND that she could specify the alignment of said rhino, so that it could do a charge AND smite against an evil enemy.
"I summon...a CELESTIAL RHINO!"
Someone commented, through laughter, "That is seriously metal." ...Which led to our wizard summoning Europe's "The Final Countdown."
"Celestial Rhino...We're smiting together, whoa-oh, Celestial Rhino!"
It was several minutes before play could resume.
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We've been at it again...
PC was being affected by 'heat metal'.
Game host, who keeps all the props: "Do you want me to get out a burning skeleton mini to replace him?"
Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue."
Player 2: "I get out my greataxe."
Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue *carefully*."
Player 2: "Okay, I'll use my smallest axe."
The alchemist has a familiar named Cyst.
Player: "It's his a-Cyst-ant."
Player 1: "We're here to get the bow. Everything else is a bonus."
Player 2: "A bow-ness?"
The party alchemist loves to dissect things. We were just attacked by some spirit wolves.
Alchemist: "I want to know what was inside of those spirit wolves."
GM: "Bourbon."
Player A to Player B, who's running an elf:
"You can't sleep unless you've got your arms around a tree."
Player B: "I like waking up with morning wood."
One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans.
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."
The party alchemist loves to dissect things. We were just attacked by some spirit wolves.
Alchemist: "I want to know what was inside of those spirit wolves."
GM: "Bourbon."Player A to Player B, who's running an elf:
"You can't sleep unless you've got your arms around a tree."
Player B: "I like waking up with morning wood."One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans.
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."
OMG those three almost made me laugh out loud. In the Office...
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One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans.
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."
Domus? As in "Romanes Eunt?"
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My Kingmaker players are on a side-quest route to the castle where the spymistress's former sire (she's a reincarnated ex-dhampir) resides, and where they presume a certain lich regenerated since they never found his phylactery:
Local Military Officer: "Sorcerer and a lich. WONDERFUL."
Spymistress: "Let's be clear. Vampiric sorcerer and a lich."
Local Military Officer: "Is there anything else we should know?"
Spymistress: "...His favorite blood type is O positive?"
Ruler-OOC: "That makes me wonder. Are blood types consistent even to non-humans or is that humans only?"
GM-OOC: "I don't even know."
Ruler-OOC: "This is important! We have to know who he's going to stick the silly straw in first!"
Domus? As in "Romanes Eunt?"One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans.
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."
It's a play on Doubting Thomas, which is a biblical reference that has become a pretty well known phrase when used to describe someone who doesn't believe you.
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Id is referring to the movie Life of Brian, where the title character paints "Romans Go Home!" graffiti on a wall... except he conjugates the Latin incorrectly, and when a guard catches him, instead of punishing him for it, he makes him write it CORRECTLY. Several times. All night. Then informs him "Don't do it again".
Id is referring to the movie Life of Brian, where the title character paints "Romans Go Home!" graffiti on a wall... except he conjugates the Latin incorrectly, and when a guard catches him, instead of punishing him for it, he makes him write it CORRECTLY. Several times. All night. Then informs him "Don't do it again".
Ah, one of the movies I haven't actually seen yet.
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Probably my favorite moment from the Kingmaker campaign. The party finished a day of going around the stolen lands killing monsters and decided to rest for the night. Athos, my 15th level conjurer, was getting some rest in his wizard tower when suddenly:
"You're riding through the woods inside of a summoned phantom chariot, listening to music and holding a cup of water. Things are going swimmingly. Suddenly without warning the water in your cup starts to ripple. As the ripples get bigger and bigger you look behind you and to your amazement a tyrannosaurus is charging at you, crashing through the trees."
Then my wizard wakes up and, sure enough, a tyrannosaurus was standing next to my bed ready to eat me. Thank goodness I didn't fall asleep in the outhouse.
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Ruler-OOC: "This is important! We have to know who he's going to stick the silly straw in first!"
I am so glad I'd already swallowed my drink before I got to this part.
So one of the PCs is an old dwarven wizard who used to be a fighter in his youth, so he is a little mouthy. He, the druid, and the assassin were in a stone basement and had just be discovered. To prevent the baddies from coming down to attack them he threw up a Stone Shape and shouted in a wobbly old man voice "You just got cock-blocked!"
There was much laughter.
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Our party had come upon a wizard's lair that was guarded by a giant. The giant managed a critical hit on our inquisitor, who'd already taken a heavy hit. The GM described it as slicing the inquisitor in twain. Just after that the cleric fireballed the giant, despite the corpse of the fallen inquisitor being just next to the giant.
The giant was getting low on hit points, but managed another critical hit on the fighter, who was knocked unconscious.
GM: "The giant is hurting. He can barely keep his eyes open."
Fighter's player: "I don't notice because I can't keep my eyes open."
Inquisitor's player: "At least you have eyes."
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So we're playing through a campaign and I'm playing a summoner. All of our gear was pre-purchased by the players, and I had 5,000 gold left on my character sheet after getting essentials. I decided to spend it on one of the most awesome magical items in the game:"The Immovable Rod!"
My party's responses, in order:
"Why would you spend 5,000 gold on something you barely use in combat?"
"Honestly, I haven't seen you use that rod other than to sit on it while your summons do all the fighting for you."
"Oh great! We thought you were going to spend your gold on scrolls or wands but you spent it on an immovable rod! AN IMMOVABLE ROD! WHY?!"
My response:
One of my Kingmaker players got an immovable rod from a loot haul somewhere. She ended up using it to jam open a big monster's (a Quickroot, I think) mouth while it was chewing on the samurai. Disrupted its attacks for a round, long enough for the party to regroup and kill it.