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This was an Eberron campaign, using a few DM additions.
DM: As your airship emerges from the clouds, standing erect before you is...
Me: Aw crap! Titan, right?
Fighter: At least it's not the Tarrasque again!
Me: I said I was sorry!
Cleric: We'll fight about how often Mr. Wizard dooms the world later... I'm ready to start buffing.
Fighter: I grab my bow...
Rogue: I'll pilot the airship!
Me: Spells ready!
Cleric: Okay, we'll start by...
DM: It's a lighthouse.
Awkward silence.
Rogue: RAMMING SPEED!
This is as though you lifted it directly from the type of game sessions we sometimes have. Not the scenario itself, but the just the sort of things my players would say before I tell them the hound with glittering eyes they are preparing to obliterate is merely an ornate statue. The real hound with glittering eyes is standing behind them.
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Newbie: "My character's alignment will be NE: Necessary Evil!"
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From recent playtesting of the old Crane Wing feat to see if it's actually as much a problem as sold...
Me: Jerk who is GMing this group. Insisted on a PG13 game.
Fighter: CW build with ranged defenses, ordained minister.
Wizard: Feminist. MMA fighter. Insisted I post "feminist" as her identifier.
Rogue: Used car salesman.
Cleric: Nurse.
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Me: And the alchemist has knocked you down to the negatives again.
Fighter: Wow. I go down more times than you unleash the Tarrasque.
Me: ... keep it up and I'll feed you to the Tarrasque.
Fighter: Hey! I'm not a dragon!
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Me: ... and then he shouts he will destroy you in the name of Crom.
Fighter: Seriously? You're throwing Conan the Barbarian at us?
Me: Are you saying that's not challenging enough?
Fighter: I could take him in my sleep, naked, without Crane Wing!
Me: ... fine. You're facing Conan, who is dual-wielding Conan-chucks.
Rogue: Conan-chucks?
Me: Yes. Conan-chucks. Each one is two Conan the Barbarians, connected by a chain, and each also dual-wields Conan the Barbarians.
Fighter: *rolls a d20* I successfully *&$% my pants in fear.
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Fighter: And then I full attack the mother dragon again and shout "Where's my money?"
Rogue: You know, she might stop protesting if you would stop beating her with her own child.
Wizard: You know you can't use any of these playtests due to all of the ^%$& we've done, right?
Me: I can't even mention half the %$#% you guys did. The ballista that shot prostitutes is bad enough!
Rogue: I don't know what's more wrong... that the minister suggested it, or the feminist insisted we use women only.
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Fighter: Okay, I swing him at the orc...
Rogue: Orphans are not melee weapons!
Fighter: ... oops. Sorry, forgot.
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Cleric: Okay, I cast Cure Light Wounds on him.
Me: He's back awake.
Cleric: I cast Inflict Light Wounds on him.
Me: He's down again.
Cleric: I cast Cure Light Wounds on him.
Me: I regret introducing you to Penny Arcade.
Cleric: Well, if I had shocking grasp...
Rogue: Am I the only one in this room who knows what ethics are?
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Needless to say, I still don't have a single bit of postable data about well CW actually works.
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Playing pirates in skulls and shackles
My name is Richard salt
but my friends call me salty dick.
Me thinks I need to dot this thread again.
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Rogue: Used car salesman.
Rogue: You know, she might stop protesting if you would stop beating her with her own child.
Rogue: I don't know what's more wrong... that the minister suggested it, or the feminist insisted we use women only.
Rogue: Orphans are not melee weapons!
Rogue: Am I the only one in this room who knows what ethics are?
I gotta say, I love the shattering of stereotypes. This is lovely.
I don't know used car salesmen are often pretty shady I'd say that's very rogue like. :)
Pathfinder hombrew played out on these very boards.
Me: What would happen if I cast acid splash on the door hinges?
DM: *innocent shrug* I dunno, try it. >:-D
Me: A lot of help that was :p I proceed with the splashing accomplishing nothing. I then proceed to spell strike the door to death
Summoner: "Whatever is down there surely heard Mai's knocking.". The diminutive professor glares icily at the Silastrix. "Sure you don't want to yell, 'Honey, I'm home'?"
"I would rather not venture down if we can help it." Dolo looks to Sir Damian for direction.
Me: Do you think it would help?
Summoner: "Bah!"
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Once upon a time in Feldgrau there were a Mystic Theurge of Groetus and an Inquisitor of Cayden Cailean.
After a huge battle where the whimsical MT placed a Stone Call over the group just because she didn't care to calculate the correct area for the spell ("come on, it's just 2d6 after all, it won't hurt much"), the Inquisitor grudgingly consents to cast a CMW on said MT with this sarcastic remark: "may Cayden reward you for your smart contribution to the group's efforts" (meaning: "now see what happens when you mess with your friends in the middle of a fight!").
Player rolls the dice for the CMW.
Two eights.
A few seconds of silence.
"Cayden, you DO have a wicked sense of humour."
"That, or he's drunk."
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Same Inquisitor, different battle.
The Magus is in very bad shape, the Inquisitor (who has the travel domain and the eight level power Dimensional Hop) is trying to take him away but has failed her last four concentration checks.
The player of the inquisitor is using an automatic dice roller on her smartphone.
Fifth attempt, needs a 14, rolls a 4.
Sixth attempt, the magus' player begs "would you kindly use a REAL die for once???"
Inquisitor player rolls a REAL die. Gets a 13. Fails for one.
The bard: "well, that's even WORSE."
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Homebrew world, facing goblins. The bard gets an idea and starts to implement it.
Bard: I use Inspire Courage! *Clicks on his laptop and "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" starts playing*
Wizard (Me): So it begins...
We take a few minutes to come back to the game after that.
"I told you jello was bad for you."
Said while fighting a crystal ooze, naturally.
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My favourite tabletop player ever, an old friend I sadly don't see so much of any more, was full of these. Mostly because he went for a sort of method-acing style of playing a character when it came to intelligence score, and... I'm not entirely sure whether he did it on purpose or not.
Case in point, I (as DM) introduced the group to a beautiful moonlit village, heavy on the spoken purple prose as they looked to be there for a while. When I'd finished setting the scene, he decided to speak in character (a half-orc with a terrifyingly low intelligence score, back when I allowed min-maxing)...
'Well I don't know about you guys,'/b] he says with a completely straight face, [b]'but I want to find out more about that weird shining circle in the sky'.
Bless him... he'd only been half-listening, and was genuinely talking about the moon without realizing it.
The party spent a lot of time from that point onwards explaining to him, in character, what things like 'water', 'mountains' and 'weapons' were.
Nice guy though - he took the ribbing with a smile...
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Kingmaker. My guy has a GM-approved variant drawback of the "Headstrong" one, renamed "Issues".
Also, at least two other players are ones who really love that children's cartoon show that I don't, and love to always resort to violence because murder is friendly, right?
So we're underground, exploring the lair of minor fey. Everyone starts arguing over what we should be doing, which way we should go, and gunslinger draws his exploding fireworks weapon on a team-mate; she extends her claws at him; the catfolk draws his bow, and soon almost everyone has a weapon drawn with threats being made.
GM: "In a Mexican Standoff, the winner is the one who does splash damage."
They all turn to look at my alchemist, who then has a panic attack.
Other Guy (cheekily): "You only detect the friendship!"
Me (mildly annoyed): "Since we all hate and mistrust each other, you find nothing."
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Our dwarf paladin is unconscious, on fire, and dying. It's just not his day. My Oracle is trying to reach him to put him out and heal him.
"I'm approaching the flaming dwarf...which, by the way, is also a really excellent pub..."
I heal him with a crit success.
GM: That was well done!
Me: Really? I think he was medium rare, at most.
He retained the name "the Flaming Dwarf" for the rest of the session, and possibly will for the rest of the campaign.
In my next work of Pathfinder fiction, I'm hoping to use the Flaming Dwarf pub - its sign would have to be a ginger dwarf with stylized flames for his hair and beard.
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The GM is distracted and so we are chatting about the current situation out of character. Player B is infamous for her verbal slip-ups, and watches a lot of How I Met Your Mother.
Player A: You know, this kinda reminds of the trailer for the new How to Train Your Dragon movie.
Player B: Oh, yeah, I just watched How I Met Your Dragon recently.
(Pause as she realizes what she said)
Player B: Dangit! I always do that...
GM (coming back into the room): This sounds wonderfully off topic.
Player B: We were talking about How to Train Your Mother.
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Needless to say, it was several minutes more before game resumed.
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High-level campaign where we're all servants of a powerful LE deity. After defeating many tough, tough rivals, the second-to-last boss (the High Cleric of a rival deity) turns out to be an anti-climatic coward who offers to repent his faith for ours if we spare his life. Talking to our Cleric.
GM as NPC "I can be useful! I see now the error of my ways. I will embrace your faith, I can give you..."
Cleric (clearly disgusted) "from you, I don't even want the Experience Points." everyone laughs.
GM "so..."
Cleric "I just punch him."
GM "ok then, you..."
Cleric "with harm."
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After the party's oracle cast murderous command on a thug, who then missed on his attack against his ally, my half-orc inquisitor exclaimed "Curse your sudden but incompetent betrayl!"
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So this literally JUST happened.
One of the guys in our group is into Transformers, so we're doing a rules-light one-shot where we're all new-born ones (our own characters). We're the last generation of Cybertronians and have just been picked up by Decepticons trying to make us join their cause.
We're in the cell, and Megatron comes in to try and recruit us.
MEGATRON: Hello, young sparks.
Character: How's it going?
MEGATRON: Good.
And then we all cracked up because the ultimate evil of the Transformers universe, the BBEG of the entire game world, just said his day was going good.
I dont have any of these, but one of my GMs gives extra experience points if we do any of these.
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I'm playing in weird mash up of Call of Cthulhu d20 and Vampire the Masquerade with a tiny bit of Pathfinder thrown in (strangely, it works). Last night an old friend made his first trip back down to our neck of the woods to game in a couple of years. He had last night's best quote:
"It was a long, weird day. And all I remember is getting licked in the face by a three eyed Brit."
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The best one liner I had was a combination of in and out of character events. As a teenager, I had frequent nosebleeds for a year or so. It was caused by a thin membrane from a growth spurt. Ah the awkward years.
Anyway, it was 20 years ago, we were playing first or second edition and we encounter an otyugh den. As the DM finished describing the scene including the stench in detail, my nose started bleeding. I said "Damn, it's smells so bad it made my nose bleed!" as I was reaching for a tissue to stop it.
The entire table burst out laughing.
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This was a while back, put in spoiler form for appropriateness sake.
We were playing Age of Worms when the Eldritch Knight shoots off a fireball and yells...
"Take that Liches!!!!!"
We were actually fighting a group of like 7 liches a the time, underneath the arena if I remember correctly.
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Me (GM): "Well, you've got 99 problems, but a Lich ain't one."
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My GF (playing a scimitar-wielding ninja/fighter): "I shall Smite him with my Smitar!" *Rolls low* "On the other hand, I smite not."
One player had his character die in the last session, my character (an inquisitor of Sarenrae) along with another players character (a cleric of Zon-kuthon) come across his replacement character tied to a spit by a couple of hill giants who are close by having a siesta.
I suggest we save him as we're split off from the rest of our group and a third person would give us safety in numbers and help us regroup.
The cleric looks at the two giants, "Do we really need to save him?"
Minor chuckles emanate from those at the table, followed by the fourth player (whose character wasn't there) turning to the first and asking,
"So do you have another character concept?"
A couple of minutes later once we finished laughing battle was joined, my inquisitor dropped one giant is two rounds due to some lucky dice rolls, but even with the help of the other two we almost lost to the second giant. In fact it did manage to drop the new character into negatives, soliciting more comments, and laughter, about new character concepts.
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DM: "And Lord XX is so impressed with what he's heard about Kezia's beautiful singing that he agrees to see the party..."
Me: "Actually, her act consists of her blowing up balloons with her a*se"
DM: "OK, he's so impressed with what he's heard about Kezia blowing up balloons with her bum that he agrees to see the party"
Me: "I'd be impressed too. Does she get a Diplomacy bonus?"
DM:
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I got two:
One player triggers a teleport trap, leading into a crypt. He says "uh oh, Spaghetti-o..."
I drop a Pit Fiend mini onto the map and go "Who dares to summon the Dark Lord Spaghetti-o?!?"
The other:
The players are in the under dark in 3.5, I run an encounter with a Beholder, who uses anti-magic eye. He spends a round gloating and being superior; the rogue throw a pint of oil on him exasperated. He goes "Your petty lubricants cannot effect the mighty Lord Zox!!!"
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Dictum? ... nearly killed 'em.
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"Now a REAL Clock Maker, upon examining that clock, would have immediately asked what the little red button on the bottom of the clock did."
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You know how in Pathfinder Society, you can pick a profession/craft/perform skill and assign it as your day job, and how it doesn't really impact play, but at the end of the session you get bonus gold for having done your day job?
Okay, so last night, The Bastard, our bad-ass magus who wanted to kill everything first and ask questions later, says yes, he has a day job, and rolls for his bonus gold. Someone says, "What's your day job?"
He says, "Midwife."
Three cheers for the sick and twisted. :)
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Misheard during a recent session of D&D:
Female Gnome Illusionist: "I cast Mass Castration!"
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I have a pile of these, but here's one I still remember from about 7 years ago.
Prologue: So there's a half-orc (3.5) in the party being played by my friend Ed. He's about 7'0" tall has around 22 strength and somewhere around 5 intelligence. Yeah, he's that guy. His name is Goober and he decided to buy a guard dog also named Goober. So we borrow some horses from a local stable so we can go to the mountains to [quest objective] for the good of the town or some nonsense. When we make it to the foot of the mountain, it becomes clear that the mountains are going to be too much for the horses so we leave the dog to guard them while we [quest objective]. When we return to the horses, there are only 2 when there was originally 3, and one of the two is dead and being gnawed on by the dog.
When we returned, the stable-hand asked what had happened to the other two horses, we told him Goober had eaten them. The stable-hand looks up to our half-orc who had this to say:
Goober: You got a problem with Goober eating horses?
We all died of laughter right there.
Stable-hand: N-no... Goober can eat whatever Goober wants...