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Most people are shocked when they find out I'm not a qualified electrician.
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Q: Why did the guy in charge of crushing cans quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
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Q: How does a non-binary samurai attack their enemies?
A: They slash them.
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What is brown and sticky?
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
** spoiler omitted **
I literally choked on my sandwich.
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Use a little less sand. Should go down easier.
I literally choked on my sandwich.What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
** spoiler omitted **
There are many more to come - please take care...
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug
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I was in a car crash on the way to the hospital when my wife was delivering our twins. As a result, my idiot brother-in-law got there first and had to do the naming.
"What did you name the girl?" I asked once I arrived.
"Denise," he said.
"That's not bad, I guess. Better than I expected. And the boy?"
"Denephew."
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
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Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
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*debeverages*
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Did you hear about the newspaper delivery kid’s hat being way too tight for his head? It’s really making the headlines!
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My son, looking at my new sweatpants: "Really? Cargo pants?"
Me: No, car go vroom!
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I decided to expand my horizons by trying different recipes and using a wider variety of spices and found out I really like thyme. So much that it’s been almost all I’m eating.
Unfortunately, I ran out this weekend and had to get some from my neighbor. I guess you could say I’m living on borrowed thyme.
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Three teddy bears are walking past a building site when they see a sign saying 'Hiring Now'. They need a job, so they go in and apply, and the foreman takes them on.
'Alright, lads. Take a pickaxe each from the rack over there, and go and break up that rubble. At the end of the day, put them back on the rack, and they'll be there next morning when you clock back on'
They do as he says; the next day is the same, then the next day, but on the fourth day, when they come back in, their pickaxes are gone!
The foreman comes along, notices them all standing around doing nothing, and asks what's going on.
'We can't work - someone's taken our tools!'
'Ah, OK - that explains it. You see,
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That reminds me…
Me and my brother were out looking for a job. We saw a sign that said: Tree fellers needed.
We just kept walking, because there was only two of us.
A: A hundred sows and bucks.
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Went out to purchase sone bees the other day. Ordered 1,000 bees, but when the delivery arrived there were 1,001. I tried to get the delivery guy to take the extra bee back, but he just shrugged and said “That one’s a freebie.”
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A Swedish man walks into a pharmacy.
"Hjellø. I wøüld ljike to büy søme deødørånt."
"Certainly, sjir. Bäll or åerøsøl?"
"Njeither. Før ünder my årms"