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Most people are shocked when they find out I'm not a qualified electrician.
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Q: Why did the guy in charge of crushing cans quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
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Q: How does a non-binary samurai attack their enemies?
A: They slash them.
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What is brown and sticky?
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
** spoiler omitted **
I literally choked on my sandwich.
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Use a little less sand. Should go down easier.
I literally choked on my sandwich.What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
** spoiler omitted **
There are many more to come - please take care...
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug
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I was in a car crash on the way to the hospital when my wife was delivering our twins. As a result, my idiot brother-in-law got there first and had to do the naming.
"What did you name the girl?" I asked once I arrived.
"Denise," he said.
"That's not bad, I guess. Better than I expected. And the boy?"
"Denephew."
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
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Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
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*debeverages*
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Did you hear about the newspaper delivery kid’s hat being way too tight for his head? It’s really making the headlines!
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My son, looking at my new sweatpants: "Really? Cargo pants?"
Me: No, car go vroom!
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I decided to expand my horizons by trying different recipes and using a wider variety of spices and found out I really like thyme. So much that it’s been almost all I’m eating.
Unfortunately, I ran out this weekend and had to get some from my neighbor. I guess you could say I’m living on borrowed thyme.
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Three teddy bears are walking past a building site when they see a sign saying 'Hiring Now'. They need a job, so they go in and apply, and the foreman takes them on.
'Alright, lads. Take a pickaxe each from the rack over there, and go and break up that rubble. At the end of the day, put them back on the rack, and they'll be there next morning when you clock back on'
They do as he says; the next day is the same, then the next day, but on the fourth day, when they come back in, their pickaxes are gone!
The foreman comes along, notices them all standing around doing nothing, and asks what's going on.
'We can't work - someone's taken our tools!'
'Ah, OK - that explains it. You see,
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That reminds me…
Me and my brother were out looking for a job. We saw a sign that said: Tree fellers needed.
We just kept walking, because there was only two of us.
A: A hundred sows and bucks.
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Went out to purchase sone bees the other day. Ordered 1,000 bees, but when the delivery arrived there were 1,001. I tried to get the delivery guy to take the extra bee back, but he just shrugged and said “That one’s a freebie.”
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A Swedish man walks into a pharmacy.
"Hjellø. I wøüld ljike to büy søme deødørånt."
"Certainly, sjir. Bäll or åerøsøl?"
"Njeither. Før ünder my årms"
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Nøøøøøøøøøøø!!!!!
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
NEEEEEEIIIIIINNNNNNN!
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Me and my brother were out looking for a job. We saw a sign that said: Tree fellers needed.
We just kept walking, because there was only two of us.
Boudreaux is driving past Thibodeaux's house one day and sees a sign in the yard that reads "BOAT FO SALE"
This stops Boudreaux in his tracks and he runs up to the house and bangs on the door. Thibodeaux answers the door and Boudreaux loudly asks, "Thibodeaux! Whatchu doin' sellin' yer boat!?"
Thibodeaux calms him down and asks him, "What ya mean? I ain't sellin' my boat."
Boudreaux replies, "Dere's dat sign in ya yard. It says 'BOAT FO SALE.'"
Thibodeaux reassures him and responds: "No no no. Ya got it all wrong. Ya see dat Chevy ova dere? See dat Ford ova dere? Dey boat fo sale."
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared to face the reaper cushions.
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I asked my wife to polish my medieval kit while I went to the pub. I don't understand why she got mad at me--she always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
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When Canada was founded, the founders decided to pull letters from a hat to name their new country. The first letter was announced as "C, eh?" The next was announced "N, eh?" and the third was "D, eh?" And so, Canada was born.
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What do you call a person who farts in secret?
A private tutor.
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What do you call a person who farts in secret?
A private tutor.
I laughed out loud at this, which startled my dog. Who farted.
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What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustracean.
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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Some people think filling farm animals with helium is wrong. I don't judge, though. Whatever floats your goat.
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Child, speaking to Dad: “Dad, I’m thirsty.”
Dad:”Hi, Thirsty, nice to meet you.”
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"I successfully sued to have the drug company pay for my Viagra."
"That must've been expensive."
"Nah, my lawyer was pro-boner."
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I'm dead.
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"I successfully sued to have the drug company pay for my Viagra."
"That must've been expensive."
"Nah, my lawyer was pro-boner."
no no no no no no no no
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'I hear the High Priest gave the temple farm's Pecheron paladin status. Why?'
'Just Big Horse'
'I hear the High Priest gave the temple farm's Pecheron paladin status. Why?'
'Just Big Horse'
That took me a second LOL
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Parents were invited to write an encouragement letter for our 7th graders in preparation for a day of testing coming up. My go-to content for letters like this is to tell my kids corny jokes in between genuine words of encouragement. Here's the three jokes I worked into the letter:
*********
I remember the hardest test that I ever had to take. Once I had completed it, my professor told me to turn it in to one of the teaching assistants.
Good thing I had been practicing my origami.
*********
I hope that you don't suffer from a condition plaguing many kids who have to take tests nowadays. They only answer questions 1, 3, 5, and 7 on their exams.
Because they literally can’t even.
*********
I'm reminded of one particularly clever student that I think you'll enjoy hearing about:
A professor called pencils down and one student kept writing. When the student went to turn in their exam, the professor told them “l’m not going to accept this, you didn’t put your pencil down when I said to.”
“Do you have any idea who I am?” The student asked, snobbily.
“I don’t have the slightest idea who you are and I don’t care,” the professor retorted.
“Good.” The student replied as they slipped their exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.
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A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer for me please, and one for the road.”
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Reminds me of the old joke ghosts like to tell:
A corporeal being walks into a bar.
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I guess we could say, a ghost walks through the bar.
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A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer for me please, and one for the road.”
I'm sure Danny the Street could tell you some wild stories.
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A horse walks up to the bar. The bartender asks: Why the long face?
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A Shetland pony walks into karaoke night but doesn't sing because he's a little horse.