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*depants*
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It took over 4 hours, but I'm finally done. But enough about my wedding night…
Zoo will send pooping elephant video to your ex for Valentine's But is there one that will send a video TO an elephant OF my ex-... you know, on advice of council I decided not to continue this reply.
How amazing is the food? He said they had a magnificent lizard…
With or without underwear?
You can literally dual wield a giant's dead finger and the tooth of a giant cosmic bull. While wearing only underwear and a giant pot on your head. But enough about my wedding night...
If I'm going that route, I'm not bothering with running the hose into the bathroom window. Neighbors can just deal. IT'S MY LAWN! I DO WHAT I WANT!
Eh. ToMAYto, toMORon.
Pants just reinforce the dominant cishet patriarchal late capitalist paradigm through a rhyzomatic neocolonial fabric of oppression, masking the subaltern's manufactured consent in a media-saturated normative and performative act of epistemic violence. I learned that in grad school.
CANADIANS TOOK OUR BLOBS!
What chapter? That was just sound life advice I give to all youths...
"Remember, kids: if they ever go with a Gatsby theme for prom, you need to stand awkwardly in the rain, buy way too many flowers, and present your date with a scrapbook of at least a year's worth of their social media posts." "And when you inevitably commit vehicular manslaughter on your way to the afterparty, make sure your date takes the blame."
"I successfully sued to have the drug company pay for my Viagra."
Orphan Grindr is my extremely specific people-meeting app...
*snerk*
Longest distance tug of war spans 1,694 feet in Wales And somehow the English won. HiYO! Up top! Anyone? Anyone...?
That's nothing! You should've seen what happened when I asked HAL to open my pod bay doors!
Or an extremely sordid sex act!
There's only one thing left for you to do...Take a banjo and stuff it in a shoe? What am I, Ned Beatty's chiropodist?
Won't destroying prophylactic only make things worse?So THAT’S what happened to my ascension ritual… and now I’m stuck like this until someone destroys my prophylactic. But enough about my wedding night...
Fun fact: Klingon has 27 words for "Worf is a push-over"?
Police On My Dad, or whatever that Spanish phrase actually says. Spanish? Round here "police on my dad" is a standard redneck phrase. Especially at Christmas... for the last time, Dad, Cutty Sark and rancid 2% milk from the Stop & Rob is not "egg nog".
I love this one, but especially the goat variant. I grew up on a farm with both animals and each has its own special charm to me. But goats are just flaming chaos on hooves. I love 'em. Flaming chaos on hooves... sounds like my last girlfriend. HiYO! I'll show myself out.
Bear steals Taco Bell delivery from Florida family's front porchQuickly followed by the answering of the age old question about ursine bathroom habits... Pic-a-nic baskets?
These are some of the strange objects that get stuck in people's bodies, according to CDC data Not gonna lie. With some of the obnoxious GMs and players I've encountered at the table over the years, I'm surprised "d20s" didn't make this list... #conflictresolution
Thrift store asks people to stop donating 'used and unused' sex toys This is just every time I clean my room…
You ever notice how all the books/movies whose message is "just be yourself" kind of are the same?
Motorists shocked when driver hops out of car, fills up gas tank completely nakedShocking. Someone can afford a full tank of gas? Once you give up clothes (think of the hidden laundry expense!) it becomes just feasible. But don't expect a gas station hot dog.
Paladin? More like palaDIDN'T, amirite?!
Rod of Wonder? But enough about my wedding night...
No, I'm just glad to see you.
Let's just say you passed and leave it at that.
I have made arrangements to leave this hunk of rotting ape meat to the local medical school. Something something, Arby's, something, hunk of rotting ape meat... It's a work-in-progress.
Have you told the rest of the group about how frustrated you are?I sent out a couple of emails today to the ones who've been shouting the most enthusiastic "We'll be theres!" then not following through and I'm waiting on replies. Depending on what I get back, I will probably end up doing so. And, if that fails... WILL SMITH! *smack*
Flagged for removal…
And was there a man, or men, from Nantucket?
But enough about my wedding night…
*squeezes out bathroom window, shimmies down drainpipe, disappears into night; is suspiciously good at it; this is clearly not his first time child rodeo*Sorry - first time what what?! You've never had a Time Child? Like, some temporal anomaly offspring you foisted on an unsuspecting person in the past or future of your own timeline? And you never forced them to run around a filthy ring while you chased them on horseback and they attempted to find safety in brightly colored wooden barrels? You've never lived...
*squeezes out bathroom window, shimmies down drainpipe, disappears into night; is suspiciously good at it; this is clearly not his first time child rodeo*
Wait, you're here because of my wedding night? Not unless there was an accident with a time machine and a prophylactic!
But enough about my wedding night…
But enough about my wedding night...
Pants are for the weak! I'll tell you the same thing I told the security guard at Target: I don't need to wear pants, I've been vaccinated.
So... it's a Sepsi challenge? HiYO! I'll show myself out.
That’s why I only mock toddlers. Even if they cry you can just always claim it’s a tantrum, unrelated to vicious verbal abuse...
Oh I’m always nekkid. I just know a very talented tattoo artist...
Are we allowed to say "nose job" or am I thinking of something completely different here..? hmm. Ninja’d!
Was it about a clock that's really difficult to read? It was not. But there WAS a lotta dickens...
I wrote a book called "Hard Times"...
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