And LO, in an pillar of fire did the LORD appear, and spake unto his prophet GoatToucher; quoth he, 'Thou, my people, are my Chosen People, and if thou hast loins, I command that thou goest forth and girdest them'
Rabbi Hillel writes: It is clear that, when the Prophet brought forth his message, he intended us to gird up our loins with actual girders. Give me a girder.
GoatToucher, who is correct?
And LO, the Prophet Pulg went unto the Onomatopoeiaists, bearing with him two massy tablets of graven stone. And he did drop one of the massy tablets on his toe, with a 'crunch' and a 'splat'
'Owww bugger', quoth he, then the LORD did wax wroth at his profanity, and sent to torment him an plague of locusts, which did buzz, an plague of cows, who did moo, an plague of bacon, which did sizzle, and a plague of Sissyls, which did speak unto him in the tongue men call Swedish with much volubility.
And verily was the Prophet Pulg sore aggrieved by these many vexations, and gnashed his teeth, and tore his robe, and picked his nose, and gave vent to many lamentations, groans, hisses, squeals and flatulencies.
John Napier 698 wrote:
Well, I'm home. And I even made it to work on time, with about fifteen minutes to spare. The bus I absolutely needed to catch showed up a minute after I got to the Bus Stop. So, if I took the time to shave, I'd have missed it. Well, it was only one day.
AND LO, MIGHTY POGONOS DID HEED YOUR NOT SHAVINGHE STRETCHETH OUT HIS HAIRY PALM AND DELAYETH THE BUS, SO THOU MIGHT CATCH IT
FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT TOUCH RAZOR TO FACE PLEASETH HIM GREATLY.
Then did the New Starters come before the Supervisor, and they spake with one voice.
"O Captain", quoth they, "What rainment must we wear when we labour in thy service?"
And the Supervisor answered them, saying: "Robes of white mayest thou wear; also robes of scarlet, robes of purple and robes of divers hues. With whatsoever garment thy heart desireth mayest thou clothe thy bodies, e'en as thy voices are sent out to the four corners of the earth via the medium of analogue telephony"
Then up and spake one of the New Starters; quoth she: "Then I shall wear the Pants of Sweat, that do clingeth to me as the vine doth cling to the slopes of Mount Sphandekh, and also the Bra of Sports, that is wrought of the skin of that rare beast named Lycra, or Bouncy Penguin. Thus shall I be inspired to perform Great Feats of Acrobatics, and also display my Enviable Tattoos, e'en as my voice is sent out to the four corners of the earth via the medium of analogue telephony"
And the Supervisor waxed wroth, saying: "I meant not that -"
But the New Starters answered: "With thy lips did thou shape those words; with thy tongue did thou utter them, saying that we might wear whatsoever garments our heart desireth, and thou canst no more take them back than the bird might sport in the depths of the ocean, or the fish make merry amongst the clouds"
And the Supervisor could make no reply to this, merely saying, "So Mote It Be", remarking privily afterwards that she was not running an Academy for those who might dance around a pole, to the Glory of the Author of Lusts.
And lo, did the Prophet Gygax view the novels of the Realms that are Forgotten; sayeth he, 'Verily, I can do that', and he doth, spreading the Good News amongst us of He that was Born of a Giant Pussycat in Heaven and who is not at all similar unto the Grey Mouser, no sirree Ernest.
Ye next poster would like to refute the loathsome and heretical errors of Reformed Gordery, preferring as they do the True Doctrine of Orthodox Gorderation.
Pecan Sandie Duncan wrote:
Lo, thy Belgians must be piping hot before...
Else how shall Mark Hammill survive, amongst the rime and frost, where all that is between himself and an icy death is a rectangular balaclava and a gigantic badger with horns?
Casual User of FawTl wrote:
Be thou warned!
I warneth thee!
Watch me warn! Now watch me nay nay!
Verily, thou canst never, never, never be merely a "casual user" of the dread intoxicant known as Fawtl.
For thou art given a "free sample"
Then, like the silver trout, or azure dolphin, thou art "hooked", and commiteth all manner of gross Depravities to obtain thy "fix"
But lo, it is not enough. Thou needest the "harder stuff". Thy parents weep - bitter tears do they weep - and thy spouses teareth their hair and beateth their breasts, as thou goest unto the General Discussion forum; yea, even unto the Paladin threads dost thou go to post, as the angels of Heaven howl in misery and dread Gehenna quaketh with horror at thine actions.
"Then they gathered up the small stones, the great stones, the Rolling Stones, the Stone Cold Steve Austins and the Stone Temple Pilots, and they took them before those who drinketh of the Wicked Bean. "Whyfore doth thou offend against the Good?", said they, and the Heathen answered them not
"Whyfore dost thou imbibe that which cometh forth fron a Cat's Bum, and praise it with great praisings, as if it were a meet and goodsome thing?" , said they, and the Heathen answered them not."
So endeth ye Threadde Hijackygnge.
And lo, TFBGTD did appear on the Paizo forums, and he did wax exceeding wroth.
The spout of his pot was like unto the snout of the great Oliphaunt, the tread of whose feet causeth the earth to tremble, while the blaring of his trunk shaketh the firmament.
His cup was an hundred hundred cubits from horizon to horizon, and did steam mightily, releasing a savour that reacheth up to the heavens and did also most wonderfully clear up oily Blemishes upon the face which the profane do call Acne.
"DISPUTE NOT MY OMNIPOTENCE, OR I SHALL BOIL YOU WITH GREAT BOILINGS, STEEP YOU FOR 3-5 MINUTES AND THEN SERVE YOU PLAIN, FOR HE WHO SERVES THE TEA OF MUCH GREENNESS WITH MILK OR LEMON DOTH COMMIT AN ABOMINATION IN MY SIGHT"
Here endeth the lesson. Please remember to drink responsibly.
And the LORD said unto Dingo, 'Scribeth thou me a Scroll, that the Nations might know my glory'
And Dingo said to the LORD, 'LORD, I cannot, for I am afeared'
The LORD said, 'Of what art thou afeared?' and Dingo replied,
So the LORD commanded Dingo to don the Eucalyptus leaf, and the Hat which hath Corks suspended around the Brim, and some Sand, and a Strategically Placed Duck Billed Platypus, and Dingo was sore aggrieved.
'Fat lot of bladdy use you are, mate', quoth he, and the LORD sayeth in return, 'Talk to the Thunderbolt, 'cos the Macroprosopus ain't listening'
Here endeth the Lesson