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So I recently joined a group my wife has been playing in for a while now, have played a few sessions, and have been really digging my character. Then last night, after the session ended, my wife blabbed one of my character's biggest secrets to the rest of the group during Out of Character time. I'd made it clear beforehand that I wanted to save it as a surprise for the others and drop little hints as we went forward, so now that she let the cat out of the bag, I'm really upset and don't know what to do because I'm sure this knowledge will color the way the other players will act out their characters in regards to mine.
Is this a secret that has a mechanical benefit or is it just flavor?
If it's an actual mechanical benefit is there anyway to alter it so that you can continue to get the benefit while it being different.
Regardless, if characters act differently toward you, your character can just give them a puzzled look and say something along the lines of "I have no idea what you're insinuating. What do you think you know?"
If the behavior persists you can have your character get really offended that they would think such a thing was true about them.
Well, if it's possible to reflavor the big surprise, then do that.
It sucks that your surprise was ruined and that it may change the way the party interacts with your character. Overhauling something that sounds like a key element of your character really does suck.
That being said...
If your big surprise is capable of changing how the party interacts with your character, maybe that sort of surprise shouldn't be planned into a character.
If, for example, at level 17 you plan on graduating to Lichdom, and you aren't in a completely evil party, yeah they have every right to interact with your character differently. That's a big surprise to spring on your party.
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Unless you're in a party full of Paladins, the group will likely accept your character for who he is.
It's just magic, man. Some people manipulate space and time, some manipulate the elements, some conjure beasts, you make dead stuff do stuff... Every time someone or something spirit fingers any sort of energy or power it is creepy and strange, yours is no different from any of the other magics in the game.
And, if they do bring it up in game before your character lets them know, deny everything. Unless you have Deadpool in your party, the 4th wall should still be intact. Their characters have no way of knowing what was said out of character. If they act on such knowledge, they are wrong, not you.
Play your gross necromancer, and have fun doing it. They will either deal with it, or they won't, but I think you should continue full steam ahead with your original plan.
The characters really shouldn't have an issue with it. Pharasma is worshiped by necromancers but abhors the creation of undead. As a result necromancers who worship Pharasma do not create undead and actually go out of their way to destroy undead they run across.
In character they should have an issue with wizard A that runs around animating undead and generally doing evil things and not have a problem with wizard B who is generally a good person and helps destroy undead. The fact that Wizard A is a transmuter and that wizard B is a necromancer shouldn't even factor into it.
Unless you have other wizards in the group, your wizard's actions should matter more then what it says on your wizard's diploma.
Simply wait for an appropriate bluff check made by the group and then tell the person being bluffed the truth.
Then be like "ooops casual reveal of secrets make it awkward HUH HONEY".
Then do that fart blanket thing.
This.
Seems like a non-issue to me.
It's important to be able to keep track of player knowledge and character knowledge and act appropriately.
Our group's been playing for over twenty years, and we kicked out all the players that like to keep character information a secret a long time ago (seriously, one of our worst players liked to pass along little secret notes to the GM because of the secret things their secret character was doing - it just pissed everyone off, and the GMs just started reading them out loud - remarkably, that didn't stop the player from doing it, nor did conversations about group expectations about playing in a cooperative roleplaying game, and eventually he got booted.)
Transparency in builds, ideas, planning, backstory, personality, etc is extremely important to us. It gives us a chance to work out ahead of time how our characters might react to such revelations. Sometimes that backstory information never actually comes up in-game, so sharing it outside of game is a good way to make sure that a good story doesn't go unknown by the other players - even if their characters don't ever know all the details.
You definitely shouldn't give your wife a hard time about it; she probably did you a favor. Had you made it to your little reveal without the other players knowing, I'd expect them to have reacted with annoyance rather than oohs and aahs. And if that was your goal - if you wanted to annoy your friends - you're a jerk and need to reevaluate what being a good player means.
Only YOU can prevent yourself from telling your gossip gal your secrets.