RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 8
aka Grimlight
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Depth Charger
Aura strong transmutation, moderate conjuration; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 58,500 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
The barrel and mechanical components of this blunderbuss are made of mithral and an intricate skeletal fish is carved into the wooden stock. Depth Charger is a +2 bane (aquatic), reliable blunderbuss.
When Depth Charger is grasped underwater it enables its wielder to breathe normally as per the spell water breathing. The wielder can continue to breathe underwater for a total of 12 hours as long as they hold Depth Charger. These hours do not have to be consecutive but must be used in full hour increments. After providing the wielder with 12 hours of water breathing Depth Charger must be removed from the water and placed in a completely dry location for 12 consecutive hours before this effect may be used again.
Additionally all ammunition used by Depth Charger while underwater is considered to have the dry load magical enhancement in addition to any other magical enhancement it previously contained. Any wet ammunition loaded into Depth Charger is instantly dried and surrounded by an air pocket for 3 minutes. If the ammunition is not used within 3 minutes of loading the air bubble disperses and unused ammunition is effected by water normally.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Gunsmithing, control water, mending, summon monster I, water breathing, Cost 32,000 gp
Some wording and formatting issues. What happens if I use some of the hours of water breathing but not all? As written, it seems you need to use up the 12 hours, then keep it dry for 12 hours, or else it will just stick around with however many hours are left, so if you have just an hour or two left, you're obliged to have somebody go underwater to drain it out.
The powers are functional, but it's just a collection of normal enhancements (one of which has been inexplicably blown up into the entire third paragraph rather than just being applied directly at the beginning, perhaps to pad out wordcount?) with a single boring and non-weapony spell in a can. To be Superstar, it really needed one interesting ability (for word count, likely replacing the second or third paragraph). Vote to Reject.
I just don't see anything Superstar at all in this SiaC with basic weapon enhancements on it, but that's why it's good that we have three judges, since the other judges do! That said, even more so than the author of the hero's breath, this author really needs to step up their game in future rounds if they want to win me back.
Hi there! I'll be one of the judges for this round, and I'll be looking at a couple of key points for your item: flavor, usability, and how the item is presented. For some background, I helped found the Wayfinder fanzine before I started working for Paizo, and I oversee every third-party Pathfinder Roleplaying Game product that makes its way onto Paizo.com.
Flavor
A new magical gun! Description of its appearance is very evocative and I have a clear enough picture in my head that I could tell an artist what to illustrate.
Usability
Good for both NPCs and PCs, and there's an out-of-combat element that I appreciate. This would be an excellent component to any campaign set on the seas.
Presentation
Name is capitalized (generally reserved for artifacts). Hyperlinks are nice. Some confusion with the water breathing ability and how it's adjudicated.
Final Thoughts
A well-named gun with thematically appropriate abilities. I do recommend this item for advancement.
Kept.
Modules Overlord
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My approach to judging these items is "How would I approach this as a developer?" If I would be pleased by the turnover and not see any reason to give negative feedback to the writer, that's great! If I'd keep it but it would take a lot of work or I'd want to let the writer know what needed improvement, that's fine but not perfect. If I'd scrap the item because it would be faster to write new material myself, that's bad.
What I like least about this item is the name. It clearly riffs off a depth charge, which isn't appropriate for Golarion (not even the part of Golarion with guns). After starting with a sour note however, it goes on to provide a great description I'd love to see illustrated and a set of useful and thematically-linked abilities I can easily believe someone wanted for their firearm. That pushes it into the category of things I'd keep and fix, starting with a more Golarion-sounding name.
Congrats, Anthony. I don't remember seeing this one in voting at all, so it's nice to have a "new" item.
You've gotten a lot of good advice from the judges already, but I'd also encourage you to watch your passive writing. You use the verb "to be" a lot (twice in your first sentence alone), which isn't all that exciting. I hope if you get to Round 3 and have more writing to do, you'll try to focus on some more exciting verb/word choices. You've obviously got some ability to be descriptive -- the intricate skeletal fish carved into the wooden stock -- but I want you to show me as well as tell me, if that makes sense.
Good luck!
Congrats. I only saw this item 2 twice while I voted. The name seems like it would be more fitting for a grenade/bomb type weapon. I know I do not have a better idea for the name myself but a depth charge is an underwater explosive so that is the first thing that comes to mind when I saw this. Good luck in the next round.
i have no desire to encorporate guns into my games but I looked at this item the same as a weapon I would want to use.
the layout is fine and their is nothing wrong with the writing and mechanics that can't be solved with a simple edit or second pair of eyes.
its a weapon thats given spells so that it can function in an environment it otherwise could not. it has no other flavour or unique qualities to make it stand out.
would a sword that resisted melting and prevented fire damage make the 32? not unless it was far better written then this item is.
I saw a bow that could shoot in the wind that I thought was better written than this item, and it didnt make superstar.
the name choice breaks my emmersion in the fantasy world.
I am left asking why this item moved on. the thought that paizo pushed through a firearm to make sure they were represented, crosses my mind.
Reject.
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Modules Overlord
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I am left asking why this item moved on. the thought that paizo pushed through a firearm to make sure they were represented, crosses my mind.
No, we absolutely didn't push it through because it's a firearm. Actually, given how rare firearms are on Golarion proper, that was a small knock against it for me. I'm personally fine with firearms in fantasy, but such items have a narrower range of appropriate places to put it, which is something I always keep an eye on.
This item moved on because the description was evocative, and both Liz and I immediately liked the idea of illustrating it. That goes a long way. It also makes sense in-world. Firearms and water are not normally friends, so someone is going to make an aquatic firearm. This one adds some interest visually and conceptually, which got two of the judges to like it better than a wide swath of other items.
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Congratulations! I had this on my "weak keep" list. It is a little bit of a SiaC and I was not a fan of the name, as other, better reviewers have already pointed out. It's got a moderately consistent theme and sounds like a clear response to the strange phenomenon of the Shackles, where guns are unusually popular in one of the least-hospitable places for a firearm. That it was a firearm I could see a great many gunslingers opting to seek out ended up pushing it over the top for me over some of its competitors.
I am neutral or slightly against including firearms in a fantasy world, but as they are a part of Golarion (and, thanks to the Gunslinger class, available across most/all regions), I didn't consider weapon type in my own personal voting or review. I also wasn't bothered by passive voice, for whatever that is worth.
My biggest concern with this item is it feels like it was created by a player who had a gun wielding character that was forced into an aquatic encounter and couldn't bring his main toy with him. Once I got past that initial feeling the weapon is actually quite well designed.
Ahh the Depth Charger! I quite liked this even though it ultimately didn't make my keep list.
Its a gun! Risky move.
I love how the mithral work in conjunction with the reliable property. Also like the carving.
I liked the suite of powers, they were functional and thematic, but that's kind of all they were to me. A collection...which ultimately made this too close to a SiaC to keep list it.
I would have liked to see a power thematically close to the name...something to do with depth charges.
Overall, it is a serviceable entry, not the best, but you made Top 32 despite using a risky choice like a gun and skirting too close to being a SiaC. You're going to have a mountain to climb in your R2 to showcase your Superstar skills and progress further.
This item moved on because the description was evocative, and both Liz and I immediately liked the idea of illustrating it...
Firearms and water are not normally friends, so someone is going to make an aquatic firearm.
That's exactly my point Owen. Guns dont like water, so someone is obviously going to do this eventually. There is nothing inventive going on there, so it better have some creative writing and a snappy twist to make it a winner.
Which this does not. It has little flair, and the mechanics design brings up more questions then it solves.The writing and mechanics looks to need more of a rewrite then an edit.
And can someone please tell me why summon monster is in the requirements, and dry load or air bubble is not!
This is a blunderbust of a decision. I am not pickin up what your puttin down here Owen, other then you and Liz really wanted to draw some guns underwater.
ON A CONSTRUCTIVE NOTE:
This writer shows they do know a missing niche when they see it , and the presentation looked ok, so in round 2, the map should go fine for them.
That seems to be your strength here Anthony. Just go with what you feel is the missing next step, but you have to make sure their is no holes in your writing, every line is tight, and provides clarity to the obvious...not creating more questions.
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And can someone please tell me why summon monster is in the requirements, and dry load or air bubble is not!
Summon Monster I is required for crafting any "bane" weapon.
Congrats Anthony!
I voted for this one most of the time, and I included it on my list of 20 that I thought could be top-32. I enjoy thinking of scenarios where a PC is utilizing this weapon.
good luck next round
Ahhh, thank you Grumpus. That was bugging me for a while.
Congratulations on making it to the Top 32!
I was honestly a bit surprised to see this in the Top 32. Not because it's bad, but because guns are something of an extreme niche. Still, out of all the guns, this was probably my favourite, so I'm glad to see it advanced.
What I like the most is the writing. It's very evocative and you can clearly see this gun in front of you. The abilities also come together really well. Though it is a bit on the pricy side, so by the time you can afford this, you probably have other options to deal with water.
Glad you made it and the best of luck onwards!
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Mozenrath6
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I actually loved this item. I was hoping to see a few unique guns, and this was my favorite. It's a bit simple, but I like that it fits it's theme nicely and had a great description. I also prefer items that fit different environments, giving them a feel of different cultures making different items for their own reasons, as opposed to ubiquitous magic items being everywhere.
This item was good enough to get my vote most of the time, but I never saw it as superstar. The skeletal fish was the best part of the entry, and the judges have pretty much said that it was the main reason it made top 32. I think other posters have already said everything I would have about what was good and bad about the entry.
Congratulations!
Congratulations on making the top 32.
I agree with the majority of comments, as I consider this particular item neat in description, a little boring otherwise. Probably wouldn't take me many minutes to put the exact same range of abilities together on an underwater gun, so that's troublesome.
However, I really do like the imagery.
Congratulations, Anthony! One of the only firearms I actually enjoyed in the round voting, love the flavor and the fact that it opens up a whole style of gameplay to characters who choose to specialize in guns. Looking forward to your map!
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 8
aka Grimlight
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Thank you everyone for your congratulations and feedback! Now that my map has been submitted I can breathe and respond.
When I was writing the gun I went back and forth whether to add another power to it that would make it pop more. I was thinking something like a couple time of day force "fireball" that can only be used underwater but I eventually canned the idea and went simple.
Some wording and formatting issues. What happens if I use some of the hours of water breathing but not all? As written, it seems you need to use up the 12 hours, then keep it dry for 12 hours, or else it will just stick around with however many hours are left, so if you have just an hour or two left, you're obliged to have somebody go underwater to drain it out.
Yeah... I realized the recharge of the water breathing effect was unclear in the re-read after I sent it up (the one where you punish yourself over and over for how stupid you are). It should have read something like recharges only when placed in dry location for 12 hours. That way if you go for a 2 hour swim with a leviathan and then go heal up for a day or so you have the full 12 hours for further underwater exploration. Though I do relish the idea of having a minion (I mean hireling) sitting endless hours underwater for the time to pass.
Congratulations on making it to the Top 32! Good work!
This is a solid weapon here with a simple and straight forward design. That said a gun that fires underwater is not visually spectacular and lacks the cool factor that would have put it over the top for me.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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Congrats on making the top 32.
What I liked most about your item was the name actually - I thought it was a clever name for an underwater blunderbuss. Unfortunately, pretty much the rest of the item was a collection of standard abilities for weapons, plus water breathing. It's a very serviceable item, but not a very innovative one.
I was especially disappointed that with the name depth charger, it didn't have the ability to create an effect more like a depth charge when fired underwater, creating a spherical explosion that acted like a souped up sound burst spell, doing more damage and more stunning or something along those lines. Even then it would be a SIAC, but there would be room to do something beyond a straight up spell effect.
Nice one! Not fond of the name, but the design incorporates underwater rules and firearms rules well, and the item makes sense in catering to a need. It doesn't feel overpowered and the dry ammunition mechanics feel like a logical extension of the enchantment.
Extra kudos for going for a firearm.
Why am I critiquing every item? Well, frankly, I love this sort of thing. I sincerely enjoy editing and the art of the critique. I have long considered starting a blog to that end, and maybe this will be the kickstart I need. Speaking of which, if you want to hire an editor, I'd be happy to help ;)
Regardless, the point of my criticism is always to help. Nothing is perfect, so everything can potentially be made better. My comments will often be less than flattering, but they will never come from a place of malice. The point here is to make your item better, not to make you feel bad.
So, what am I looking for, here, when I judge these items? My primary focus is on rules knowledge, clarity/simplicity, and usability. You can come up with the most creative item on the planet, but if nobody is going to actually use it in a real game, who cares? And it doesn't matter if nobody uses it because it's obviously too strong, too weak for its price, too confusing/complicated to actually adjudicate at the table, or just too niche to have an actual target audience. What I am generally not looking at is flavor text. Descriptions of your item will only hurt if the item evokes imagery I dislike. I care about theme, of course, but a crow item with blind and pilfering hand in it is thematic enough--I don't need to read about different kinds of dark wood were used and how many crow parts are sticking out of it.
Finally, know that I did not read any critiques of your item yet. These are all my first thoughts based only on the item itself, so, I apologize if I repeat things others have said already.
Now, let's get to the critique!
As always, congratulations on making the top 32. No matter what I thought of your item, you won, and you should feel awesome!
This was on my "maybe" list. It's damn good, and I like almost everything about it. There's a few formatting issues (the auras should be the same strength for example) and the 12 hour thing is a little confusing, as it's not clear if it only needs to dry out if used for the whole 12 hours in a single day, or if you'd have to dry it out if you use it 6 hours each on two different days. And the requirement choices are bizarre. That's pretty minor, though. The only serious problem I have with it, the reason I didn't have it on my keep list:
By being an underwater weapon, it is either a "just in case weapon" or a "totally mandatory weapon" since underwater either doesn't come up much or is the whole focus of campaigns. Either option makes the rather high price tag a serious concern, because it's either too expensive for an item you NEED, or it's too expensive to be a back up for the rare times you go underwater. To justify 58k, you'd practically need to have a way to flood everywhere you fight so it can be your "all the time" weapon.
I actually do understand why it's so expensive--it is effectively a +5 weapon (I would just count the Dry Load ability as part of it) and the underwater breathing obviously needs to cost something, but that's exactly the problem. A correctly costed item, in this case, is just too expensive for the niche it fills--an unfortunate side effect of the cost formulae.
If my party found this item, we'd almost certainly sell it, not just because it's very unlikely we'll have a significant number of fights underwater, but also because it's unlikely any of us would be using guns. Unless you're in a campaign where guns are martial weapons, there are realistically only three or four classes that can possibly use guns, and even in a game where they're martial, only those three or four can use them well (i.e. get Dex to damage). The audience is just so small for this weapon, I think it realy suffers. That said, the audience it appeals to is extremely likely to custom order one, since they practically NEED it, so, it's got that going for it.
Overall, it seems pretty solid, but its just too niche for me. There are a few formatting issues, but nothing huge. Good job.
Edit: After having read other reviews, I like how simple it is. I have no problem at all with a collection of useful properties and a thematic spell to tie them together. Simplicity is a plus in my book, not a bad thing.
Depth Charger
Aura strong transmutation, moderate conjuration; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 58,500 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
The barrel and mechanical components of this blunderbuss are made of mithral and an intricate skeletal fish is carved into the wooden stock. Depth Charger is a +2 bane (aquatic), reliable blunderbuss.When Depth Charger is grasped underwater it enables its wielder to breathe normally as per the spell water breathing. The wielder can continue to breathe underwater for a total of 12 hours as long as they hold Depth Charger. These hours do not have to be consecutive but must be used in full hour increments. After providing the wielder with 12 hours of water breathing Depth Charger must be removed from the water and placed in a completely dry location for 12 consecutive hours before this effect may be used again.
Additionally all ammunition used by Depth Charger while underwater is considered to have the dry load magical enhancement in addition to any other magical enhancement it previously contained. Any wet ammunition loaded into Depth Charger is instantly dried and surrounded by an air pocket for 3 minutes. If the ammunition is not used within 3 minutes of loading the air bubble disperses and unused ammunition is effected by water normally.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Gunsmithing, control water, mending, summon monster I, water breathing, Cost 32,000 gp
Is the Item Decorative?
With a mithral barrel and a carved wooden stock, this item is clearly intended to be decorative - and to a considerable extent it achieves that target.
Decorative score? 4 out of 7.
Does the Item have Any Obvious non-Decorative Use Around the Home?
No. The item is designed to 'work underwater', and with regard to what 'beneficial' effects of a non-Decorative nature it has, these are geared towards such an environment. Since most succubi tend not to live underwater (the environment is bad for most funishings, and inconvenient for most social callers) any obvious non-Decorative usefulness of this item is in somewhat short supply.
non-Decorative Domestic Use score? 0 out of 7.
Does the Item seem Likely to be Helpful in the Fantasy Setting of an Imaginary World where 'Operation Sealion' is taking Place?
So the (for simplicity's sake) Nasties are lining up with all their little boats to launch an invasion-attempt across a strait upon a nation of perfectly (socially) harmless tea-drinkers. And then there's this item.
So what impact is this item likely to have on proceedings?
It's possible that it may be of use/interest to troops deploying out of underwater vehicles. Granted that their part in proceedings may well be relatively minor though...
'Sealion' score? 2 out of 7.
Total: 6 out of 21.
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Star Voter Season 8
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Congrats Anthony.
I didn't see your item during voting, but it is a very very niche item, especially considering the bane effect. This items really needs an NPC attached to it, otherwise I really can't see a player willing to invest unless the campaign is very much centered on underwater encounters.
Good luck in the next round.
Welcome to the top 32, Anthony
When I first saw this item, the name intrigued me, especially when I saw it's a firearm. I honestly see firearms in fantasy as an interesting design space, and love it when new creative material comes out utilizes them.
I am also in the unique position of GMing a game where someone plays a gunslinger of an aquatic race. During the voting, I showed this item to my friend. However, he felt the same way I did. Depth charger just feels boring, even for character in this niche. I've seen tons of items this year and previous years that grant you water breathing and let you attack underwater. Addiitonally, a name like "depth charger" conjures many ideas that the item simply doesn't live up to. I'm picturing something that lets you maneuver underwater or shoot explosives. It would be cool if you could use depth charger to propel yourself under water.
I do like the description and the fact you need to air out the gun to recharge water breathing. I hope your future entries will blow me out of the water. Good luck!
Congratulations for having made it to Top 32 AND Top 16!
Sorry I'm late to the party, I hadn't realized how big a task commenting on everyone else's items was going to be in the Official Critique Thread!
Seeing as how many other people have commented above me, and you've moved well on from this point... I'm going to keep my comments brief. To understand my rating system, see my larger post on my critique thread.
As an overall comment, each and every one of you that made it to the Top 32 must have had a "Publishable" item in my opinion because you appealled to not only the voters but also the judges -- so if I say "Rewrite" it's more to be "rewriteable to be SUPERSTAR!"
Publishable but New Name -- I was happy to see a firearm make it to the Top 32, and your basic write up is cool, but you need a new name man. I get the joke, but no.
A lot of people don't like the name so I have been thinking of new ones. I thought I would throw a couple out and see what others like.
Leviathan Trumpet
Mariner's Lament
Carbine of the Depths
Sealord's Wrath
The weapon is designed for a landlover to kill fishies/fish-people. I would suggest names like "Merfolk's Doom" or "Kraken's Woe" etc.
Depth Charger
Congratulations Anthony!
This did not get many upvotes from me. Mostly because the 'breathing because your are holding' it didn't quite mesh for me. If you had to breath through the barrel, or if it created an air bubble when it fired & you stuck your head into it or something would have meshed better visually. The second ability is an existing magical ability. Granted you added some limitations, but they were not strong limitations (fire now instead of three minutes from now). Bane aquatic almost goes to far, since it will work best underwater it will be the blunderbuss of choice and will always be bane.Bane is usually against monster types and I think playing around with a subtype (that might cross critter types) is pretty cool. This description is gripping and you get bonus points for doing risky design space and doing it well. Good job. :)
I know this is too late to be of any user going forward, but I hope it will be useful when you come back next year!
EDIT: Depth Charger is better than your other suggested names IMHO. Depth Carbine (avoiding "X of Y") or depth boomer, -buss, -firestick, -rifle, -boomstick etc. EDIT EDIT: kraken's woe is cool :)