One time when I was GM, the players rescued the dwarven king's daughter from a band of orcs. They didn't know who she was until their dwarf NPC friend came rushing over. I got a little too in character, and without thinking said:
"Do you know who this is?!?! The son of the dwarven king!!!!"
*Insert transvestite joke here* Ba-da-bump-chi
Every time someone passes a Knowledge Religion check with a DC of 25 or higher "Can we go back in time and figure out what that damn door says?"
In-jokes aren't very funny unless you're in.
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Once, our ADD player (and there are lots of stories about this guy!) got himself trapped in a trapper he had insisted on staying behind to 'harvest'!
He was a wizard and wanted to collect it's poisonous spines. The rest of us were impatient with his attention-seeking, so the rest of the party pushed on up the forested hill as dusk was falling. He was capable of casting seventh level spells and had some major magic items, including a rod which could Shape-Change him into a Faerie Dragon, complete with it's camouflage, invisiblity and breath weapon supernatural abilities; we had no reason to fear for his safety against a mere trapper!
The wizard had wasted Power Word: Stun on the thing, and he had 1d4 rounds (2nd ed) worth of stun, but the DM had secretly rolled the result.
DM: Okay, what are you doing?
Wizard: I'm going to cut out one of it's poisonous spines with my dagger.
DM (bored): Okay, what are you doing on the second round?
Wizard: Errm...I, errm...I cut out another spine.
DM: Okay. You know you've got a maximum of four rounds with it stunned, don't you?
Wizard: Yes!
DM: Oookay, what are you doing on round three? You do know that you're standing on top of a stunned trapper, on the spiny side, right?
Wizard: I know! I'm...er... I'll stab it with my dagger!
DM: Really? Your non-magical dagger you use for peeling fruit? On round three of the stun, the duration of which is 1d4 rounds and you don't know what I rolled? On a 10 hit die trapper with all it's hit points intact because you just stunned it?
Wizard: Er...yes. I stab it for 2 points of damage.
DM (sighs): Okay! This is round four. You've been lucky, I rolled a four, but after this round, you know the trapper won't be stunned any more. You understand this, don't you?
Wizard: ...Yes!
DM: Ooooookaaay! Round four! What are you going to do?
Wizard: ......I cut out a spine!
In 2nd ed, combat rounds last one minute each, so the rest of the party was five minutes up the hill by the time the wizard got himself trapped. Our leader says, 'We best go and rescue him!' I said, 'Wait a minute! We know that he's in trouble, as players, but our characters don't know there's anything wrong! Why would we go back for him? He's a high level wizard against a stunned trapper? What could possibly go wrong? He told us to carry on and he would catch up later! We don't have a believable reason to suddenly turn back, just because we know, as players, that he's in trouble!'
Leader: We're going back for him anyway!
Me: How are we even going to find him? We're on a heavily forested mountainside in a country we've never visited, at dusk, looking for a 1-foot long, camouflaged, invisible dragon!
Leader: He wasn't invisible the last time I saw him!
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Party is confronted by a guy in plate mail, 20 well armed and armored thugs and an obvious wizard.
Plate mail Guy: 'Surrender now and we might only take your stuff!'
Player (leader of the group): 'Eat Hammer metal head!' (throws a throwing hammer that he has had for several levels, but never used) Roll: Nat 20!
Much huzzahs in or group!
DM Response
Plate mail guy with bruised head and ego: 'Aracansta, (talking to the wizard while pointing at our leader) THAT one!'
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Maybe not a favorite, but the most common quote from our GM:
"You want to do WHAT?"
And a quote said by a fellow player about my character, after we took down a small city using biological warfare:
"Never piss off a pacifist, they get creative."
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So in our last session we fought a young white dragon that was being grappled by our enlarged dwarven fighter...dont ask....anyway the other fighter moves to behind the dragon and this is dialog that followed.
GM: "are you going to attack into the grapple?"
Human fighter: "Are you kidding im going to cornhole me a white dragon with my flaming longsword."
I know a little low brow but it got alot of laughs from my group.
"He gonna do booty things to you!"
"Luscious is in the hole."
"It's magic."
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There is a halfling monk named Hubert in our group who we refer to as "the D&D version of Chuck Norris."
He has some healing abilities, and in our last game somebody said:
"Hubert heals people by punching them so hard they go back in time before they got hurt."
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I keep quotes of my groups' sessions on a regular basis. Here's a few from my Kingmaker game:
Elegy, human Oracle and future Duchess: "You know nothing about manners...."
Errol, half-elf Magus: "I know plenty about manners, I grew up in one!"
----
Errol: "Elegy, don't you know about the scientific process? You stick your nose where it doesn't belong, that's how you find out stuff."
----
Elegy: "Are you ready to go?"
Jaekah, Centaur Barbarian: "Eh, not too far. Don't want to see [Errol] get lost out here alone."
Elegy: "If we hurry we won't see it."
----
Elegy: "We've gathered some very useful intelligence!"
Errol: "I've got intelligence coming out of my ears!"
----
Errol: "So Red, what do you think we should do about these trolls?"
Red Right Hand (Errol's CE Black Blade): "I think we should hunt them down, and slay them in glorious battle!"
Errol: "Yeah that does sound interesting."
Red Right Hand: "I hear that trolls regenerate! So we'll be able to kill them again, and again, and again!"
Errol: "... I suddenly became a lot less interested."
----
Elegy: "I break this swan figurine and it becomes a boat."
Errol: "It's just like the story of the ugly duckling who wanted to be a cruise ship."
----
DM: "He [a Boggard] doesn't look like he speaks much Common."
Elegy, Errol-OOC: "Shit."
DM: "Boggards speak their own language."
Elegy, Errol-OOC: "Shit."
DM: "And Undercommon."
Elegy-OOC: "Shit."
Errol-OOC: "Oh, I have that!"
Elegy-OOC: "Shit."
----
Errol: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men, centaurs, half-elves, wolves, giant spiders, dhampirs, kobolds, whatever Auchs is, and Elegy are created equal."
----
Elegy to Errol: "By your own admission, you are completely untrustworthy, which makes you perfectly suited for politics, but that's neither here nor there..."
----
Elegy: "That's not an apology."
Errol: "I still have my dignity, and my pride."
Jaekah: "Whadda ya need that for?"
----
Jaekah: "Errol. You know more about treachery than anyone I know. Look at this."
Errol: "..."
----
Errol: "One of our teammates is a horse who turns things into a bloody pulp and I'm no longer trusted with doing any of the talking due to a certain incident involving a hat shop."
----
Errol: "She could be any kind of queen. Lizard queen, spider queen, troll queen..."
Elegy: "So you're just jealous that Hargulka can get a girlfriend and you can't?"
There is a halfling monk named Hubert in our group who we refer to as "the D&D version of Chuck Norris."
He has some healing abilities, and in our last game somebody said:
"Hubert heals people by punching them so hard they go back in time before they got hurt."
I could swear there's actually an item that lets you do this.
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During Crypt of the Everflame:
GM: "... The room appears to be the site of a gruesome battle, with two bodies piled in the center and a number of skeletons scattered around. And a wailing cry can be heard -
Players: "THAR SHE BLOOOWS!!!"
GM: "... somewhere in the distance."
Player 1: (OOC)"My closeted cleric just had his first encounter... Um, I mean my cloistered cleric..."
Players 2-3 and GM: /Eyebrow raise.
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Some years ago now during a roleplaying heavy game one of the players in a fit of annoyance asked. "Can we stop all this roleplaying and get on with the game?"
"Please stop drawing dongs on the map!"
My group are a silly bunch.
During a run through of one of 4E's Tomb of Horrors, my players immediately realized that the ancient runes scribed into each and every surface of the ruins were a part of some eldritch and malignant design. Their characters however, had an average Int of 9 and virtually no arcane knowledge whatsoever. They immediately decided that the best way they knew how to disrupt the rune were to carve giant phalluses everywhere. Every. Where.
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"Would you f*** a cat?!?"
It was during a Vampire the Masquerade game, we were trying to impress upon a new player why having a dead cat in his fridge to feed from was gross. Granted it's not a perfect analogy, but it certainly got the point across. Plus the look on the new player's face was priceless.
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During a run through of one of 4E's Tomb of Horrors, my players immediately realized that the ancient runes scribed into each and every surface of the ruins were a part of some eldritch and malignant design. Their characters however, had an average Int of 9 and virtually no arcane knowledge whatsoever. They immediately decided that the best way they knew how to disrupt the rune were to carve giant phalluses everywhere. Every. Where."Please stop drawing dongs on the map!"
My group are a silly bunch.
I believe you with every fiber of my being.
"You've touched ONE boob and now you're an expert?"
Mwangi Pirate to his new Crewmember who, up until 20 minutes, ago was an innocent young lad...
Best one so far:
My Wizard passes his check to tell what spell our new wand holds... It is Grease. The Fighter and Rogue couple beg me for the item...
Cue the variety of Brick Jokes that came from that...
and did I just make a bad pun?
Zhan: Human monk
Tatya: Halfling witch
Mel: Human gunslinger
All others: NPCs
DM: When we last left our intrepid adventurers-
All-OOC: [laughter]
DM: ...they ran screaming from combat, dumped fish in the car, and vomited into the bushes.
Tatya: So, John, what have we learned today?
Zhan: That cars...smell terrible?
Tatya: Try again.
DM-OOC: The rain...in Spain...
Zhan: What do I have to roll to raid the pantry?
Zhan-OOC: Zhan is heading to the market to buy ham.
Mel-OOC: He's going to hire Brian Blessed?
Zhan: I have money.
Teagan: And what value honor?
Zhan: Um...honor is worth very much.
Teagan: Can you put a price on your word?
Zhan: ...No...
Teagan: Yet you seek to do so now. You gave me your word.
Zhan: But I put the food back!
Teagan: *sleight of hand* *returns his wallet* Here.
Zhan: How-
Teagan: Did I rob you?
Zhan: Yes.
Teagan: Did I return it?
Zhan: Yes, but-
Teagan: Does that change the fact that I robbed you?
Zhan-OOC: Oh my God, she is going to break him.
Zhan-OOC: "What is the range on a thrown stingray?"
And the many times I've forgotten to record where the teetotaler monk has tried to force an intervention on the alcoholic witch...
Errol: "So Red, what do you think we should do about these trolls?"
Red Right Hand (Errol's CE Black Blade): "I think we should hunt them down, and slay them in glorious battle!"
Errol: "Yeah that does sound interesting."
Red Right Hand: "I hear that trolls regenerate! So we'll be able to kill them again, and again, and again!"
Errol: "... I suddenly became a lot less interested."
I am sorry I can't help but think of Richard, from Looking For Group, reading that.
One I just had said the other night:
-In the middle of a Town's Square-
Rogue: "Can we make camp yet?"
Paladin: "We shall not make camp until we arrive... Where are we going again?"
Wizard(OOC): "Your Mom!"
Paladin: "Yes My Mom!... Wait what?"
Me: "How much falling damage did Arkanis take?"
GM: "23"
Me: "How much HP does he have [Arkanis' Player]?"
Arkanis' Player: "28"
Arkanis' Player: "I'm never letting you throw me again."
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Our party was alseep in my Folding Boat at the edge of lakeshore, awaiting the dawn to find and kill a high level Druid.
In the middle of the night our Oracle thinks she sees a Gigantic Frog-Like creature in the water. She was scared and yet strangely unwilling to wake up the entire group. So, she shook awake my CG Dwarven Barbarian who was very tired as he just came off watch.
Oracle: "Wake up! I think I saw a horrible monster in the water!"
Barbarian: "Ah, you're just having your period."
At which point he rolled over and went back to sleep. She shrugged and went back to sleep as well....even though she was on watch for two more hours. Luckily, no attack came.
Sigh....so many more I know I have forgotten.
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Human Fighter with 1 INT after having it drained ran into combat screaming: "SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
He then gets swallowed whole by a monster...
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Level 1 Halfling Cavalier to Great Wyrm Gold Dragon(quest giver): "If you wanna fight I will stab your pinky claw so bad it will hurt for hours."
Wizard: "Here we go again... I need a drink..."
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My Gunslinger Keepu "Ed" Lowe(Female): "Where is my pistol!?"
Fighter: "I got you a Pistol right here!"
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"We're getting some shitty rolls here today."
"Nesteruk, summon another dog we can sacrifice!"
"We're getting some s@+!ty rolls here today."
"Nesteruk, summon another dog we can sacrifice!"
Better than them wanting to sacrifice the Witch's Goat Familiar...
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Better than them wanting to sacrifice the Witch's Goat Familiar..."We're getting some s@+!ty rolls here today."
"Nesteruk, summon another dog we can sacrifice!"
It was a lot funnier when the first "sacrifice" happened. We were fighting a Yellow Musk Creeper and 3 of its zombies at ~level 2 and had yet to roll higher than about a 6 on the die for to hit.
Druid decides to cast his first ever use of Summon Nature's Ally to summon a dog.
Next round it materializes and is IMMEDIATELY critted to death by the Creeper.
We rolled above 12s for the rest of the day.
The rogue finally admitted to the bard he was an assassin. The 5 year old whose father was murdered by an assassin asked "Whats an Assassin?" which led to my favorite quote of all time from the rogue.
"See... there are many different kinds of assassins..."
In the Kingmaker game I GMed the name of the parties capital city was Ostwick. The party wizard, after having many a near death (and a couple of actual death) encounters in the first couple of books, settled on a new survival strategy:
"I teleport to Ostwick."
This became the catch-all response to any situation of any severity going forward for the wizard, then the other players, then the NPCs, then anyone in any other game we've played since.
Few things so readily bring a smile to my face as hearing a party of level 1 PCs proclaim that they are, in fact, teleporting to Ostwick as the first action of their first encounter.
Ha! We killed your boss in one round. All that work for nothing. Does that piss you off?
:'')
I was the DM.
Simple story, ninja with a falchion, going invisible or not he was up to two attacks. The number of times he crit on his "half-hearted slice" was crazy.
"I make a half-hearted slice. Natural 20, 20, hit".
"He's dead".
Sometimes insta-kills, at times doing more on his last than on his first. That ninja really ended his attacks very well. It became like a special ability and a running joke.
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Halfling Barbarian: "I swing at the Orc with my Rod of Lordly Might!"
Elf Wizard: "You mean your small-sized club?"
Halfling Barbarian: "Shut it Legoloser!"
Human Fighter(Player distracted by a text): "Legos where!"
@Yosarian: I actually had a character die like that... I threw the dagger and killed a Guard and got enough XP for Lvl 2. Unfortunately I didn't have nearly enough HP to survive 9 crossbow bolts let only 9 crossbow bolts that all critted.
We had this fun one
Robert, "Clank, Clank, Clank, Clank"
"What is it?"
Robert, "Ninja Paladins.... ACP is a b~@#~."
From this week's session:
GM: "And 9 dogs walk around the corner. Roll initiative."
*Arkanis rolls a 23 (he goes first)*
Arkanis: "DIE B%%~*ES"
*Rolls 11 for damage on Stone Call*
GM: "They're all dead."
Arkanis (OOC): "Seriously? How many HP did they have?"
GM: "Six. I hope you're proud of yourself, you just crushed 9 puppies with a ton of gravel."
My group actually keeps a wiki site for our homebrew world. On this site, we keep a list of the the silly in-game things that continue to amuse us.
Here is the list from our most recent campaign.
My groups are trying to set up a Wiki for my Setting...
After seeing yours...
Our quotes page needs better formatting...
Slight necro but this was too good not to share.
At the end of last session, our GM mentioned we MAY end up going to hell to reconcile our Sorcerer's parentage with his distinct lack of Devilish power (he's the son of Asmodeus).
"Okay, cool, see you guys next time. Hopefully I'll be able to skip church so I won't miss anything."
Everybody starts busting out laughing.
"Yeah man, hopefully. You can prove everyone right by skipping church so you can GO TO HELL."
Hmm... I love that...
I had a good one happen last week but I can't say it on here...