Fav at table Quotes

[Jay the Madman]

Battling zombies on a balcony overlooking a room with evil clerics. When they die the zombies explode leaving a large slick patch of viscera on the ground. The party figured it would be easiest to push the zombies over the balcony and rain fireballs down on the clerics. The enlarged raging barbarian bull rushes 4 zombies in as many rounds, splattering them on the floor below. The rogue then pronounced:

"You are the Jackson Pollock of throwing guys off a balcony"

[Azaelas Fayth]

My Gunslinger fires and gets a Critical. We are using the Critical Hit Deck. I decapitate the Orc I hit as she is charging me.

The Rogue (played by the only female in the group): "I knew you were supposed to be good but you aren't supposed to make her head pop off. Sheesh. ;)"

[Chemlak]

The party have just defeated the evil priest (and his minions) who was summoning an aspect of Orcus. Unfortunately, they didn't disrupt the ritual before it ended...

Orcus: WHO ARE YOU WHO HAVE DISTURBED ME?

Quick thinking player: We're sorry, but there's no-one available to take your call at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. RUN!!!!

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In a d20 Modern game, the party have split up. One group are investigating a warehouse (or was it a nightclub?), the other a museum. The encounters are being run simultaneously. The warehouse investigation was short and sweet.

Museum Player 1, in a whisper, having made a listen check: What was that noise?

GM: As you look around you notice what appears to be a panther with tentacles coming out of its shoulders.

Museum Player 2, OOC: I'm going to try to sneak around behind whatever it is.

GM: Okay, you guys roll to be stealthy.

<cut to other group>

Warehouse Player 1: Well, that wasn't hard. I think we got what we need.

Warehouse Player 2 OOC: We'll get in the car and head towards the museum.

GM: okay, it'll take you about 10 minutes to get there.

Warehouse Player 1: Right, call the others and let them know what we found.

Warehouse Player 2: Good idea. <OOC> I call <Museum Player 2> on my cell phone.

<cut to other group>

GM: RING RING!

Museum Players 1 &2: Huh? OH S#!@!.

[Magic Fiddely Bits]

"Really?! i have to sneak in all by myself?!.... alright.... i need you guys to spell bucaki me then..."*frown*

[BltzKrg242]

My Swashbuckling Pirate captain on entering a new town and confronted by the vizier's right hand man offering to host the players at the palace.
"Be assured, my good man that the crew of The Dirty Hag will attend but be sure that the wine is plentiful, the food is delectable, and the women are buxom!"

The young lad that has recently joined our crew "Sir, do the women need to be buxom?"

Captain: blink... pause... blink... open mouthed in wonder.
It may have been the only time that my character was speechless.

[TGMaxMaxer]

In a Pirates of the Caribbean type setting, with the Domains remade to be the Saints watching over us (i.e. Lazarus for Death/Ressurrection) our wiz/cleric/mystic theurge/true necromancer and all around dispenser of magical might.
After scuttling a ship and killing all the sailors, casts Raise Dead, Proclaiming grandly "Arise my minions, and Swab the Decks for ETERNITY!...(Dramatic pause, meek little afterthought) In the name of our Lord." and proceeds to cross himself.

He then looks up to make sure he (the player) is not struck by lightning for Blasphemy, in bible belt Oklahoma.

Udarok Crack-Dog (pronounced ooh-da-rock... as in 20 str 14 dex 18 con, int 6 wis 8 cha 6 DnD 3.5 CN H-orc Barbarian) while bored in a tavern, goes up to a serving girl, puts on his best and brightest one-tusked smile, and says to her "Me have gold, You have Love?" while holding out a sack of coins... H-Orc pick-up lines....

Also, same Udarok, to the party wizard who is trying to explain to him that they are there to find the elf captain of the guard.
Udarok perks up and reaches for his sack of coins, starts to grin, and the wizard -tries- to head this line of thinking off, telling him "No, not love, he's a boy elf."
To which Udarok replies, "There no boy elfs. They all pretty, with long hair, me know, me check many."

[The Saltmarsh 6]

One of my favs is from the first time my brother and i played D&D
Having crept into a dungeon we spotted about 4 or 5 orcs at which point my brother playing the cleric looks at me and says " its just a few orcs how hard can they be "
A few rounds of combat later we had our a*#s handed to us

[Bwang]

1) A episode back when we only had the three little books (heck, pre Greyhawk!): The party has encountered the 'not to be fought but bargained with' monster (a not quite Evil dragon) and every die roll has tanked. The dwarf who has tired of the whole thing (and is already rolling up a new character) makes some idjit aside to my wizard, wondering if he could make some armor from the dragon's hide.

The Dragon (with incredible hearing, hears, but blows the 'which one said it' roll, looks straight at ...ME (!) ,,,and sez "You die...first."

Much hilarity ensues as I grovel like mad and the D--- Dwarf escapes. Party winds up sent by dragon to deal with the goblins that have been raiding his horde. We try to sneak with 3 plate armored characters, plus 2 more in mail, This brings the gobs out in force and their leader and ours exchange pleasantries ending with the goblin boss yelling out "You die first" The reply: "Yea, yea, I've heard THAT before!"

@) Bad 'dm' to mmy first level wizard, 3 hp. "...and the Dragon does 23 hits, can you take that?"

Me: "sure I can take it. Survive it? No, but I can take it all day!" For some reason, he missed the sarcasm, but everyone else dissolved into laughter.