RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Locke1520
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Legions of four-inch insectoids rapidly click-clack down the pit walls in an eerily coordinated formation. Armored in a razor-sharp, barbed carapace, each soldier brandishes a crab-like arm ending in a serrated stinger. The horde rasps in a humanlike voice “Die!”
Njaa’mende CR 7
XP 3,200
CE Fine magical beast (swarm)
Init +9; Senses dark vision 60 ft., tremorsense 30 ft.; Perception +10
----- Defense -----
AC 24, touch 23, flat-footed 19(+5 Dex, +1 natural, +8 size)
hp 76 (9d10+27)
Fort +9, Ref +11, Will +7
Immune paralysis, sleep, swarm traits, weapon damage; Resist fire 5, Weaknesses vulnerability to cold
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., burrow 15 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee swarm (3d6 plus distraction and poison)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks distraction (DC 17), consume
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 9; concentration +11)
At will—bleed (DC 12), dancing lights, mage hand, silent image (DC 13)
3/day—obscuring mist, rainbow pattern (DC 16), stone shape
----- Statistics -----
Str 3, Dex 20, Con 16, Int 9, Wis 14, Cha 14
Base Atk +9; CMB — ; CMD —
Feats Acrobatic Steps, Endurance, Improved Initiative, Iron Will, Nimble Moves
Skills Bluff +3, Climb +9, Craft (trapmaking) +5, Perception +10, Stealth +21; Racial Modifiers +8 Climb, +2 Craft (trapmaking), +2 Perception, +16 Stealth
Languages Common
SQ sound mimicry (animals, voices)
----- Ecology -----
Environment warm jungle
Organization solitary, legion(2-4 swarms), or colony (5-15 swarms)
Treasure incidental
----- Special Abilities -----
Consume (Ex) The njaa’mende can rapidly consume any creature they swarm over. Against helpless or nauseated targets, the njaa’mende’s swarm attack deals 6d6 points of damage.
Poison (Ex) Swarm—injury;save Fort DC 17; frequency 1/round for 6 rounds; effect 1d4 fire and 1d4 Con; cure 2 consecutive saves. The save DC is Constitution-based.
Njaa’mende revel in slaughter and are among the most efficient hunters in the Mwangi Expanse. Utilizing near-human intelligence, the njaa’mende employ cunning tactics and magical abilities to make up for their minuscule size. They combine elaborate pit traps with deception and illusions to lure prey into deadly ambushes. When a trap is triggered, the njaa’mende swarm in and quickly devour the hapless creature. Soldiers bite and sting, and their serrated stingers cut through tough hide easily to inject a boiling poison. The searing toxin softens tissue, making it easier to consume. Colonies have been known to bring down prey as large as a high girallon; however the njaa’mende prefer humanoids.
Colonies of njaa’mende divide labor among castes similar to ants, except that a njaa’mende hive submits completely to the telepathic will of a solitary queen. She rules over a territory of about a mile in any direction from the central hive, where she spends her life laying eggs, analyzing complex stimuli received from her soldiers, and directing the colony.
Njaa’mende queens are careful to ensure succession. As a queen nears the end of her lifespan, she births an heir. When the heir reaches maturity, she consumes the old queen, absorbing the racial memory of her predecessors and becoming the mind of the colony. Should a queen die with no heir, her colony becomes fatally complacent, neither eating nor working until it also perishes.
Only in cases where the hive is directly threatened does the queen join an attack swarm. In those rare circumstances, the queen is better able to focus her attention and that swarm gains a +2 racial bonus to Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. If the queen’s swarm is defeated, there is a 10% chance that the queen was killed.
Many njaa’mende colonies are religious, following either Lamashtu, their progenitor, or the destroyer Rovagug, whom their nature emulates.
Hey, Andrew...welcome to Round 3. This carousel doesn't end until you either fall out of the competition or win the whole thing. You've been chugging along and making your way through the competition as best you can so far. Let's see what you've given us this time around.
Wall of Text:
First off, going into monster design, a freelance designer has to recognize certain basic elements of the game...the give-and-take of all the variables upon which it's mechanically founded. The most important defining characteristic (which has a trickle down effect) in monster design is its Challenge Rating (CR). The rules for Round 3 already told you what that would be...i.e., CR 7. Thus, the "test" for this round isn't just determining if you can cook up a really great idea for a monster. It's also to see how well you can interpret what a CR 7 monster is meant to have, mechanically-speaking, that distinguishes it from a CR 6 or a CR 8 monster.
So, what are the trickle down effects you need to know for a CR 7 creature? In general, its AC should be around 20. Its hit points should be around 85. Its best saving throws should be around +10 and its weaker saving throws should still be around +6. The damage curve potential for a combat-focused CR 7 monster should be around a +13 attack inflicting an average of 22-30 points of damage per round if all its attacks manage to hit an opponent. Even a less combat-focused CR 7 monster should still have around a +10 attack and the DCs for any special abilities or SLAs should be a DC 17 for a primary power and a DC 12 for a lesser power. There's still wiggle room within these numbers, but typically, if you make one of those things higher or lower, you want to offset it with a variation in one of the other statistics above.
Additionally, monsters should be built around the non-standard array for their ability scores (i.e., 11, 11, 11, 10, 10, 10) before applying racial adjustments. These adjustments should always come in even-numbered increments (i.e., +2, +4, +6, etc.). That means for a basic monster design, you should end up with three odd-numbered ability score values and three even-numbered ability score values.
Okay. With all that serving as your baseline, let's see where you've taken us...
Creativity Factor:
It's an intelligent swarm of miniature, magical insectoids that are capable of sound mimicry and spell-like abilities to lure victims into traps so they can consume them? Wow. That's a bit...gonzo. And not necessarily in a good way. This one just doesn't resonate with me.
This monster concept also treads in the same space as an army ant swarm or a mosquito swarm, etc.. Only, this one is intelligent and can cast some fairly potent spells. Personally, I think I prefer the ant swarm over trying to rationalize where the njaa'mende fits into jungle society.
Maybe it's just me, but Acrobatic Steps and Nimble Moves feel like odd feats to assign a swarm. Thematically, it just feels...weird. Individually, I could see the diminutive members of the swarm having it...I guess. But swarms already kind of climb right over pretty much any obstacle.
It also seems a little unusual to see poison that does fire damage in addition to Con damage. Maybe that's a bit innovative with the "boiling" description to it. I initially took that to be a lot less literal, though.
In a lot of ways, I kept comparing this njaa'mende swarm to an army ant swarm. It feels a lot like the latter, but you just tweaked it slightly to grant some intelligence and layered on some spell-like abilities and some sound mimicry. As such, it just doesn't feel that innovative from a design perspective. I don't think you went far enough here with making the design stand out as something new and independent. A hellwasp swarm is probably the best example I can give of an intelligent swarm made relevant and innovative in ways that go beyond a normal wasp swarm. With its inhabit ability, it's got its own unique niche and role to play. But, with the njaa'mende, I didn't see much of anything like that. So, it left me wanting.
Mechanical Considerations:
Just because I'm OCD, I did a very quick number crunching of your design using the spreadsheet Paizo provides us as freelancers. I thought it was important to do that just to give some kind of assessment on your technical skills. I ran into a few things that seemed off to me. You might want to go back and double-check the following:
- Your AC is quite high for a CR 7 creature. And, unfortunately, there's no offset or it (other than vulnerability to cold) to rein back in the challenge it would pose.
- Magical beasts (even swarms composed of them) normally include low-light vision in their senses. It seemed a bit odd to find that missing from the design.
- The burrow speed also seemed kind of unusual to me. I mean, even an army ant swarm doesn't have that. Yet, these intelligent njaa'mende can literally tunnel underground 15 feet per round? That image just kind of clashes more than inspires. For me, at least...
- Your ability scores don't appear to have used the 11, 11, 11, 10, 10, 10 non-standard array. I'm guessing you got sidetracked by comparing this to unintelligent swarms and just didn't recognize that their missing Int attribute used up another 11. Ability scores are always based off scores of 11 or 10. This goes back to the days of 3.5 rules and Pathfinder honors that by incorporating the same restrictions into its monster designs. Essentially, you should always have three odd-numbered ability scores and three even-numbered ones. After that, racial adjustments are provided in even-numbered increments (i.e., +2, +4, +6, etc.). If your creature doesn't have one of the six ability scores (i.e., no Con or Int), it still uses up one of the underlying 11's or 10's in the non-standard array.
- I had a lot of trouble trying to get the skill points to line up. Even with an Int 9, the swarm still gets a minimum of 1 skill point per Hit Die. So, you had 9 to spend. I'm guessing maybe the racial and size modifiers crossed me up. Regardless, that's an unusually long listing of racial modifiers to grant an intelligent swarm with a below average Int. I don't think I've ever seen the Craft skill assigned to a racial modifier before either. Just seems like an odd choice.
Presentation:
There are a few missteps in the template. Some spacing problems between a few words. It's "darkvision" not "dark vision." And it's "vulnerable to cold" rather than "vulnerability to cold." Your spell-like abilities need to indicate a CL 9th. Swarm traits should already cover you on immunity to weapon damage for a Fine swarm. And so on.
Bottom Line:
The core concept of this design kind of lost me. I get what you were going for...i.e., we don't have that many intelligent swarms in the game and this was an opportunity to stand out by giving us one. It's a big risk and I'm not sure it paid off for you. Unfortunately, you've also got some flaws in both your mechanical skills and presentation. You still need work on those things. And I would have liked to see you really tighten things up if you were going to go for something this ambitious. It could have been a homerun. As such, it's more of a foul ball for me. Big swing. Just didn't connect at the right angle.
Given all that, I'm going to say I DO NOT RECOMMEND this monster to carry you through to the next round. The voters (and other judges) may feel otherwise, however. Some designs I didn't recommend last round still made it through. So, that's entirely possible here, as well. If you do make it through, I'll want to see you crank it up a notch for the encounter round. And I'd like to see how many of the lessons here you can apply in your design.
Looking back across your earlier work, I also liked your Cayden's cup. I thought it showed promise. I put myself on the fence, however for your organization with the Andoran Mercantile League. And now I'm left with recommending against your monster design. You've come a long way already, but I think you may have reached the end of your run this year. Don't despair though. It you do fall out of the competition, you should have plenty of lessons to make another go of it next year. Best of luck in the voting.
Andrew, good job advancing to Round 3!
What I am looking for:I’m a big picture guy more than a minute details guy. I don’t think just seeing if you crunched out the rules properly is the right way to judge a good entry for this round. Of course you need to execute the stat block properly. Luckily, Sean, Neil and others are way more qualified than I am to talk about the nit picks and issues with the stat block so I will leave that to them. My comments to you will be more “big picture.” For me, I want to see a monster that is fun and playable—a monster that leaps of the page and makes me find a way to incorporate it at the game table. That, to me, is a superstar monster. So here we go…
Initial Impression: Crazy crab swarm with some magic. Getting into some gonzo here...
The Concept (name, overall design choices, design niche, playability/usability, challenge): B-
Kudos for trying a swarm, but is that really what you want for Superstar? Swarms are fun, and can be cool, but they are very restrictive in that they all kinda have the same parameters. Compare some similar swarms and you will see what I mean. And that name, yikes. Or should I say, yji'kes. Plus, in the end I just don’t get this monster. Crazy crab swarm with really potent magic spells without much connection. This seems to lack a design theme, which I think is its biggest failure. It’s just kinda gonzo tack-ons without much rhyme or reason. With a human like voice. Strange. You can have weird monsters, but they have to have some internal consistency. This one doesn't. But I still give you kudos for going for uniqueness with the swarm.
Execution (quality of writing, organization, Golarion-specific, use of proper format, quality of content—description, summary of powers, rules execution, mechanics innovation): B
Good job with the stat block. Your execution is within proper parameters. My problem is the Golarion tie in. That final line is kind of a tack-on to give your entry a Golarion tie-in.
Tilt (did it grab me, do I want to use one in an adventure?, mojo, just plain fun factor): B-
I like cool swarms, but this one didn’t grab me. Nothing about this said “Clark, you gotta put this in an adventure.”
Overall: B-
Good, but not quite Superstar. I think the lack of a good, unifying theme was your undoing.
Recommendation: I DO NOT RECOMMEND voters consider this monster to advance to the Top 8.
Your cup was good though the League raised some concerns. I really needed you to take a big step up here. Not sure you did. It’s up to the voters, not to me.
The competition is tight and whether I recommended your monster or not you have done a great job and I wish you the best of luck!
Welcome to Round 3! I'm posting this little blurb at the top of my reply for everyone. FYI, I'm not going to crunch all the math in your stat block, for several reasons. One, I don't have an hour for each monster. :) Two, I'm sure you've been very diligent about this and if anything is wrong, it's probably only off by a little bit. Three, if you were writing this for publication in a Paizo book, you'd be using our stat block spreadsheet, which takes care of the math for you--your job is to understand the rules and bring the mojo. Four, Neil's going to scrutinize that stuff because he is a machine. :) My focus in this review is on the overall coolness and balance of your monster, with an eye on how efficiently you put it together and a spot-check of stat block elements that catch my eye.
Oh, crazy names with crazy punctuation... how I wish they would go away. Remember that every time someone types this monster's name, they're going to have to remember (1) how to spell it, and (2) where the apostrophe goes. You know it was a pain, you had to do it twelve times for your submission. Don't punish yourself. Don't punish your developer and editor. Don't punish your fans. :) I get that this sort of name feels very Mwangi, but you could have the same effect without the apostrophe.
Your monster is a swarm. You took a risk, as swarms have a lot of baggage in terms of game design. The big problem with designing a swarm is they all basically work the same, the only difference is the damage (perhaps plus poison) and how much damage it can take before dying. I'm going to compare this to the tick swarm (CR 9), hellwasp swarm (CR 8), and rot grub swarm (CR 7).
This has tremorsense. Rot grubs have blindsense.
Damage is comparable to a hellwasp swarm (3d6 and poison).
I balk at the idea of a fly-sized creature with Int 9.
The idea of these creatures working together to create these SLAs is also weird... you can kill its components down to just a small number of creatures (original swarm = 10,000 creatures, so if hp are proportional that's still 100 creatures when it only has 1 hp) and they can still use their SLAs, so who's to say the original swarm couldn't perform multiple effects at once? It's a suspension of disbelief thing where I have to say "the game says they act as one creature" but I'm presented with something that wants to break that concept in half.
I think this would have been more viable as a creature that is an intelligent agglomeration of smaller creatures, but when damaged it reverts to something like an army an swarm. Or just make the monster a Small or Medium version of your swarm unit, which individually has the powers described here. As written, each swarm is 10,000 creatures with near-human intelligence, and you may encounter up to 15 swarms in a big colony... 150,000 intelligent creatures in a 40x40 room.
It is a swarm of bugs.
Apostrophes in creature names. Yuck. What does this name mean? Google gives no clue.
The spell-like abilities are really interesting powers to give a swarm. I like this idea and mechanics.
The descriptive text explains that these creatures are effectively intelligent army ants. That's a cool idea. 4 inch long intelligent army ants would suitably scare me.
The stats are good for a CR7 encounter. It seems strange to me that a swarm of bugs would have a CHA of 14.
The two special abilities aren't that special. I'm trying to figure out if the Poison ability creates nausea or helplessness but I don't think it does. So you're missing a chance for synergy with the Consume ability.
Works but isn't stellar. Solid but not inspiring. I give this submission a C.
I do not recommend that you vote for this designer.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Locke1520
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Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm looking forward to what the voters say come Tuesday and will be honing my skills for either next round or next year.
Swarm of intelligent, murderous, all-devouring magical insects! Yay! *grabs a wand of fireballs and some spare alchemist bombs*
Spell-like abilities could be explained with some sort of hive-mind controlling the swarm.
I really like this, I can't help but picture thousands of high-pitched voices raising miniscule needles and yelling, "ATTACK!!!". All I hear is thousands of high-pitched squeaks. I like hive minds, though I would have tossed in something along the lines of the SLA not working without the queen or the casters not able to generate enough magic to effect anything unless there are thousands casting as one.
Anyway, I'm supporting the Njaa'mende in this round.
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A swarm with fire resistance, the ability to create pit traps, obscuring mist, etc. feels like it's been designed in such a way to ensure a TPK. Traditional anti-swarm tactics (kill it with fire! run away!) are methodically ticked off until it seems less like a creature with thematic reasons to be what it is and do what it does, and more like a creature designed to very specifically mangle a party.
Swarms of armed, shield-wielding, tool and alchemy and even spell-using fine/diminutive bug-dudes are a neat idea, and one I fully support, having used them before, but this seems less thematically built and more mechanically designed to counter swarm-fighting tactics and set up deadly no-win scenarios.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka Benchak the Nightstalker
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The two special abilities aren't that special. I'm trying to figure out if the Poison ability creates nausea or helplessness but I don't think it does. So you're missing a chance for synergy with the Consume ability.
Perhaps the intent was to take advantage of the distraction ability that all swarms get, which nauseates creatures?
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So it looks like you’ve decided to make a big move by doing something outside of the box with swarms. It’s a risk, and I’m not sure that it has paid off here.
I actually don’t mind the concept of an intelligent ‘insect’ swarm, but you may have been better served by giving them a hive mind instead of individual intelligence (which may have been the intent, but it doesn’t totally come across). Whether or not they are intelligent, that they speak Common (at least loud enough to be heard by humans) doesn’t gel, unless they are all speaking in perfect sync (which again implies a hive mind). Why Common? Is this the language they speak amongst themselves? That doesn’t make much sense. If they only speak human languages to confuse or intimidate prey, shouldn’t they speak one of the local languages to the Mwangi Expanse since you have specifically called them out as living there?
I kind of get the theme to the spell like abilities – things that can confuse enemies or create traps, but beyond that they seem a bit all over the place, and I don’t really get a sense as to how these swarms can use these abilities.
Anyway, good luck Andrew.
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Mothman- The implication of hive mind is found all throughout the text. The hive submits completely to the queen's telepathic will. The hive loses all direction and motivation should the current queen die before the new one is hatched. The queen's direct involvement in combat boosts all non-physical ability scores for that specific swarm because she can focus. Hive mind.
I get that the author was very likely going for a hive mind, but it’s not explicitly stated, and seems somewhat contradictory. The swarms ‘submit to the queen’s telepathic will’ but that doesn’t necessarily mean a hive mind. “Utilizing near-human intelligence, the njaa’mende employ cunning tactics and magical abilities to make up for their minuscule size.” – this doesn’t say or imply that only the queens or only the hive as a whole (with a hive mind) is intelligent. If a hive has no queen the swarms become complacent and don’t work or eat, but nowhere does it say they lose their intelligence or any of their abilities (what happens if adventurers stumble into or begin attacking a swarm of these critters who don’t have a queen? Do they not fight back? Do they fight back but can’t use any of their spell-like abilities? What happens if a swarm goes more than a mile away from a queen? Can they? Do they lose their intelligence or any abilities?
If this monster had ‘hive mind’ or ‘telepathic’ or something as a special ability or special quality some of these questions might be answered, but it doesn’t and they are not. I can’t think of any Pathfinder monsters that have a hive mind off the top of my head, so I can’t easily check, but I’m pretty sure that in 3.5 / PF creatures with a hive mind have it listed as a special quality.
I’m really not trying to pile on this submission but “the implication ... is found all throughout” is not really good enough for a Superstar entry. By all means defend an entry on its merits (of which there are several), but trying to justify the faults doesn’t do the author or the submission any real favours.
So it's a swarm of army ants with a hive mind? I'm not sure it has the spark that I'm looking for.
Ditto. Sorry no vote from me
Having seen army ants in the rain forest I kind of like this one, and I found the introductory description amusing. I like the trap building, I'm not so sure about the religion bit at the end.
There are a lot of strong entries in this round, so I'm not sure on this one yet.
My criteria for deeming a monster voteworthy:
1. Can I drop this into my home campaign and still do something interesting with it outside of Golarion? Potentially.
2. Does this monster inspire me to design an encounter just for the purpose of featuring it? The italicized intro text grabs my attention, but the more I read about these things, the more the inspiration wanes.
3. Will my players think the monster's physical description is cool, or will they laugh it off of the table? They'd probably find it intriguing.
Additional Thoughts: Hivemind type insectoids (regardless of the actual creature type) are a little overused at our table, so I admit there may be a bias at work for me here. This one had potential, but the more I read the judges' comments and thought about the mechanical implications of your entry, the less inclined I was to vote for it.
Hmm, while the initial blurb started off on the right foot, I'm not very impressed with this monster. It's a little generic and doesn't fill a new niche. Of course, the lack of any major missteps is also something, but still.
I am a little concerned with that poison though - at 1d4 con and 6 rounds, 2 consecutive saves means if this thing gets near a party caster, they're *dead*. A lot of casters can't make one Fort save, and if these things somehow surprise the party, you're going to do an average of 5 Con damage to everyone and more likely 10 or 15 to wizards, and most of them barely have 10 Con to begin with. It's a relatively easy fix, but that doesn't mean it's not also a sizable mistake.
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I believe this particular creature (swarm) fits in well with the setting it's placed in. The religious motif seems tacked on at the end as I believe the creature can stand on its own without its mention.
I may have been in the vocal minority with appreciating Andrew's organization, but I'm going to stick with him on this one as well. I appreciate Saint Trickery doing a bit of leg-work on the possible etymology behind the name, so it makes it that more appealing to me as to the thought behind its creation by placing it in its location.
Andrew, I'm spending my last vote on yours. Good luck!
There's a lot that I like about this entry, which surprised me a bit, because I expected I was going to hate it. I think it was the apostrophe. I see an apostrophe and I think "oh god, not again". They're overused, is what I'm saying.
But this critter is cool! It's an intelligent swarm, of which there aren't very many, which uses tools and builds traps, which is definitely something I haven't seen before. The spellcasting is pretty potent, and I wish that there was more explanation for it, particularly with the queen and the hivemind or lack thereof. I would much prefer a colony consisting only of one swarm, with the spellcasting being the function of its queen. I do like the boiling poison; it puts me in mind of bombardier beetles. Poison doing elemental damage isn't unheard of, but it's mostly confined to the high CR linnorms--bringing it to the middle tier is smart design work.
The prose seems to me to be just slightly off, but I can't put my finger on why. I'm a little confused, honestly.
Although this entry has one big flaw (the hivemind), I like it rather a lot. I will be voting for this entry; best of luck with the rest of the voters!
Oh, crazy names with crazy punctuation... how I wish they would go away. Remember that every time someone types this monster's name, they're going to have to remember (1) how to spell it, and (2) where the apostrophe goes. You know it was a pain, you had to do it twelve times for your submission. Don't punish yourself. Don't punish your developer and editor. Don't punish your fans. :) I get that this sort of name feels very Mwangi, but you could have the same effect without the apostrophe.
This. A hundred times, this.
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That's a totally valid point. I tend to play rather than run, so I didn't even consider the need to list it as a special ability. I'm kind of hoping now that it simply was an oversight or a result of word limitations because I really like the bugs.
No problem. I think this one has some really good things to it, and a swarm of intelligent army ants that can use tactics and create traps is terrifying! I just think there are some problems in the execution.
It gets points for not being or having a vagina dentata or a variant thereof (horrifying slimy, smelly engulfing maw). Pretty low on the male neurotic nightmare scale, which is all too rare.
Hello again, welcome in round 3 and congratulations on making it this far. I'm sorry I didn't get by your organization last round; I walked into my winter disease period.
1) Rules (I want to be reassured that you have your attention to detail and sharpness for rules along here, especially since the organization round tested little on this spot): Okay, a swarm. Interesting. I like swarms. The abilities generally look fine enough to me. I have no idea where you got the vulnerability to cold from. It's not really a negative for me, it's just kinda weird, hanging around there like that. I don't know but on an average the AC may well be the most glaring issue, maybe that and giving them SLAs. And well, CR 6 will-o-wisp has worse AC, so I'm not going to blame you.
Rating: 4/5 - generally this looks good, and I want to like it. I'm just not quite sure that it's really, really awesome, even though it could be.
2) Innovation (I want to (again) see promises of an adventure I couldn’t just think up myself, I want to see great and new thoughts, thoughts that seize my attention and holds it): Intelligent, poisonous, spell-casting, charismatic, speaking-in-human-voice, tactician ant swarm. Yikes. It's new allright. It may be just a little too much new in one place. I hope you tie it together well.
Rating: 4/5 - The idea is the and so's the novelty. There's just, erh, forgive me, but too many new things at once. You don't really give yourself time to make one of them awesome.
3) Creativity (Alike innovation, I want something that isn’t just new, it’s the good kind of new, and awesome at that): Oh dear, but this is just confusing. The creative glue to patch together these numerous, unrelated things... is not really there for me. I can't seem to feel that this is more than: swarm + intelligent + poisonous + SLAs + burrowing + human voice + cold vulnerability + ... you get my meaning. It's random, unrelated parts, with no real "greater whole". Cutting down would have helped. These are also, definitely NOT CE. They are extremely organized ants, for heavens sake. Their main motive is the betterment of their hive. So, they may prey on humans? A lion does too, you know. They are intelligent, allright, so the evil in choosing to prey on other intelligent creatures may be there, but... The chaotic? Nope, sorry. If anything, these are LE or LN, to me.
Rating: 1/5 - Auch, but as innovative and fine rules-wise as this is, it lacks creative glue, coherence, shine, it lacks some to make it more than a Swiss-Army-Knife-Swarm. Alignment is an issue too.
4) Writing (I’m a nitpicker for good writing, and I want to see it. This isn’t the most writing intensive round, but that just means I’ll be looking for wasted words, that I really get nothing from, and checking the bits that are ever more carefully): Your writing looks okay, on a general basis, and not exciting enough to make me want to comment more than this. I disapprove the "DIE" in your introductionary text. I don't want you to force me to say "DIE" in a human-mimicking voice, everytime they meet these. If I want them to speak, I can extrapolate myself, thank you. This will just get very annoying and silly. Also "DIE" is not a natural thing for a wild creature to be "saying". Why should they be saying that if they're are bloody well attacking? I think them attacking with no other reason than the characters being present is plenty. Going "DIE" is just silly. I don't have a problem with the name, though. I can live with weird names. My players can't though, so I'd probably never use it anyway.
Rating: 3/5 - I'm not amazed. I not finding any flaws or annoyments other than the "DIE" part.
5) Golarion (Most monsters can be fitted into my campaigns, but as I mostly run Golarion, I have a keen interest in monster fitting seamlessly with the rest of the world, without expansive details for why they do so): Sorry, but why, exactly, do these belong in the Mwangi? Makes no particular sense to me. They could be just about wherever.
Rating: 2/5 - This is really rather an anywhere monster, with no explanation as to how it attained intelligence. I'd have loved a setting-connection to explain the intelligence and SLAs.
6) CR appropriate (I don’t want a monster pretending to be CR 7, when it’s just not fitting for what my players can reasonably handle at any level near 7, or opposite, won’t represent a challenge even to a level 5 group): Er, maybe slightly high-power, but it's not critical, I think. I don't know, it seems all right to me. But not really sure it's better than that.
Rating: 4/5 - Because I can't find any major problems.
7) Previous work (I’m not just looking for monsters, I’m also looking back at the former rounds, especially since they may well be tie-breakers for my votes, but also because one single round doesn’t show all anyone has to bring): Okay, so your item I had little feeling for. It seemed like a fine idea, but not really anything more, to be honest. Your organization, however, bothered me no end. It wasn't setting-fitting, it was boring, it wasn't something I wanted to use, and it wasn't, really, realistically antagonistic. It was merchants, for heavens sake. You definitely gone out there and wild this time. Far more new and creative stuff going on here. I don't know though. You previous work kind of doesn't help this one, to me.
Rating: 1/5 - there's nothing in your previous work to make me want to see you go further, and nothing to truly help my concerns with this submission. Simple clearly works better for you. Stick with it. Your item was probably your strongest round.
8) Promise for Adventure (I want to, as a potential buyer, contemplate how likely I am to buy an adventure written by you – based on your previous RPG Superstar work, your monster and my impression on how well you’ll do with an adventure): Sorry, but no thanks. I don't actually want a very, super-simple adventure, and that ´seems to be your strongest spot, looking at your item. Also this thing kind of suggests to me that you don't really know how to tie different things into a meaningful whole. I don't want that in an adventure. My players will blame me for it, and I'll not want to run it, especially because I'll have to be defensive about why all the time.
Rating: 1/5 - Best advice if you make it on: go simpler, and work harder on tying things neatly together.
9) Personal Rating (Sometimes, at the end of it all, there’s things I just like, even if there’s other things that might be better for multiple reasons – now I don’t want to tell you I don’t like something, but I do want to, positively, say that I like a particular piece of work a lot): You haven't hit any of my personal favourite things and honestly, this is ind of a "could be neat, but is too busy being a lot of other things" monster to me.
Rating: 2/5 - I'm giving you a point for good idea.
10) Overall (This is where I try to give my opinion on what to improve on, how I feel about your submission in general, and finally, the thing you really want to hear, if you’re getting a vote or not): Overall, this tries to be too much, and fails.
Rating: 2/5 - The idea was good and new, and the individual abilities work. Sadly, that's about the end of the story.
Congratulations on top 16, good luck on your road to top 8!
I love swarms and think that they are one of the greatest innovations from 3rd Ed to 3.5, but this just left me cold. Doing an intelligent swarm was a big risk, and I wish I could say he pulled it off, but he just didn't in my opinion. The name is ok because it gives a very Mwangi feel to it, but it very hard to get the intended pronunciation. Unlike Ryan I don't think monster names have to mean anything in reality. Maybe its Mwangi for "Smart Bug Colony." I feel like the spell abilities were tacked on and don't really have an explanation in the body text. Nothing real innovative mechanics wise. Just not that cool. Sorry.
As a monster designer, I look forward to this phase of the contest most..so lets see..
Hm..swarms are a pain, in so may ways. They have such an unusual rule set that comes with its own limits. Not my first choice, but they sound cool.
I see what you were trying to do here, and it just "feels" strange. I am not sure if that is because swarms tend to be nonmagical/nonintelligent, or what. The idea of these being something you could actually talk to is pretty neat though.
In the end..I could see this competing with jungle humanoids in my home game! I have not decided on my votes yet, but this one will really tempt me.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4
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Star Voter Season 6
aka raidou
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Andrew, your hive-minded, trapmaking jungle bug swarm certainly tries to tackle a design space that nobody else has dared to do. Some points for giving it a shot, and good luck in the voting!
Here's what I like:
- meets the mechanical expectations of a CR7 swarm, and seems solid in terms of including all necessary swarm statblock items.
- you create an interesting encounter... between sound mimicry and silent image, you have a good ambush setup.
Here's what I don't like:
- while you start with a bold premise, I don't feel like this design delivers that boldness. In the end, it's just a swarm with spellcasting.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Name borders on unpronouncable. New names for new monsters with different regional inspiration might deserve a little break, but this one seems on the wrong side fo the fence. If you're looking for a localized name, I'd offer that in descriptive text to authenticate that your monster belongs in Golarion, and then give the swarm a more universal, general name.
I don't think of four inches as Fine. Gnats. Flies. Mosquitos. Congressional morals. I'm going with Diminutive instead. I think the AC is too high and the monster doesn't really have weaknesses. A few neat ideas that paly to theme: poison that does fire damage, for example.
I love me some unique, supernatural swarms. I designed one for the Book of Beasts that I really dig. I just think swarm is too limiting a concept to be superstar in a competitive round. And I don't really like the social, high-intelligence insects.
Set- Yeah, there's fire resistance, but it's only 5 which, if I had to guess, is aimed at Alchemist Fire. Let's be honest... a party taking on a CR 7 creature ought to have more than just a couple vials of Alchemist Fire in the arsenal. There ought to be somebody capable of casting 3rd level arcane spells in the group by now.
I don't like monsters or encounters that "assume" the party has an arcane caster, because no one in my real-life group ever plays one (too complicated). Yeah, that means we can't play Paizo adventures as written, but usually it's not until they hit around level 10 that we run into trouble and I have to start fudging. CR 7 is very early to start handing out "You lose" buttons for parties without a particular makeup.
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RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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I wouldn't say you can't paly Paizo adventures as written. I'd say there's plenty of choice in the game, and some encounters are more challenging than they are for other parties when you don't pack a rogue or an arcane caster or whatnot. But other encounters will be easier. See that daemon with high SR over there? Don't mean much to my party of paladin, barbarian, fighter and gunslinger.
Cheshirescott's comment is more about game balance: the fire resistance of 5 keeps the swarm from being toasted by tiny gestures, requiring some actual use of resources by the party. Parking a flaming sphere on it won't be enough.
What would your party of paladin, barbarian, fighter and gunslinger do against this swarm? :)
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RPG Superstar 2015
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka mamaursula
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What would your party of paladin, barbarian, fighter and gunslinger do against this swarm? :)
If your party isn't carrying acid flasks, then shame on you, get to a town and buy some.
I am voting for Andrew because I think he did a great job of creating a creature that fits into Golarion which is a key part of this round. The judges have pointed out time and time again that the CRUNCH can be taught, and in this round have even admitted that freelancers get to work with a spreadsheet to keep the math straight. I'm not an expert, but I think Andrew did a decent job of keeping the creature balanced for a CR 7 that could easily be adjusted if the developer required it to be. What I think he has done well is create a creature that easily fits in any jungle setting, but is specifically tied to the Mwangi Expanse including the choice of name. I think in an early year of SuperStar a judge pointed out that creatures get names by what they call themselves, or what others call them. If Saint Trickery is correct about the words coming from Swahili, meaning hungry beetles, then the latter would seem to be the case here. In the Pathfinder Campaign Setting entry on the Mwangi race we find precedent to use (') and (!) symbols in the names to represent glottal stops and velaric clicking noises respectively. This says to me that Andrew did his research and made an effort to name his entry in the fashion of the people in the part of the world he was designing for so that his monster would seem apart of the world. I like that he is going for a hive mind swarm that works like many bugs do, luring and trapping their prey.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Locke1520
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I'd like to thank everyone for the critical feedback and support.
I'd like to take a moment and address a couple of the concerns raised about my entry for this round.
About the name: Having come off of the blandly named Andoran Mercantile League one of my primary concerns when naming this entry was making sure it popped off the list and drew attention. I decided to shoot for an authentic Mwangi sounding/looking name. Saint Trickery is correct much of the Mwangi words seem to be very similar to Swahili so that's where I began. I typed "hungry bugs" into a translator (but I like Trickery's "hungry beetles" better so we'll go with that) and combined the two words with an apostrophe rather than just mash the two together. I decided on this method for two reasons: It ties into the Mwangi language which in turn ties into Golarion and I just liked the way it looked better.
I do know how many people feel about names with apostrophe's and weird spellings. Normally I would totally agree with the naysayers but I just felt the advantages in making this selection outweighed my own concerns. I hoped most voters would agree or at least not be too bothered by it.
Hivemind: The intent was indeed a hivemind. If I were to do this over I would include hivemind as a special ability and adjust the creature's descriptive text accordingly.
Size: Four inches is size fine. According to the PFRPG Fine has a space of six inches.
Given the attribute base numbers I didn't use properly a revision would have a reduced Dexterity which would help mitigate the high AC if only a little.
Hope this helps with some of the issues or at least offers some insight as to why I chose to make some of the choices I did. Thank you again for the interest, support and most importantly the critical feedback.
I do know how many people feel about names with apostrophe's and weird spellings. Normally I would totally agree with the naysayers but I just felt the advantages in making this selection outweighed my own concerns. I hoped most voters would agree or at least not be too bothered by it.
I didn't mind it. I think names with apostrophes do have a place in certain designs. You just need to be sparing with them. For the purposes of RPGSS, it's probably best to steer away from them, though. At best, maybe half your audience would support it and the other half wouldn't like it. So, why split your potential voters that way, you know? That said, it's not an easy lesson to know beforehand or necessarily incorporate in the early rounds of the competition.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Locke1520
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You just need to be sparing with them. For the purposes of RPGSS, it's probably best to steer away from them, though. At best, maybe half your audience would support it and the other half wouldn't like it. So, why split your potential voters that way, you know?
Yeah that was my thought in retrospect. Just one of many lessons learned the hard way.
Don't despair, Andrew. Learning lessons throughout this competition is a very important element of growing into a Superstar designer. If you advance this round, keep applying everything you've picked up during your run so far. And, if you should fall out of the competition at this stage, you'll still have your eligibility for future years. Plenty of competitors have come back to compete again (including this year). And, obviously, they're much stronger for their experience. The same could hold true for you if you find yourself in that situation. You've just got to be wise enough to learn and apply all these lessons. And the same holds true for those following along at home who are still striving to reach the Top 32. If folks get in here and study every aspect of the contest (and not just their individual designs), they will become stronger designers.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
,
Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Locke1520
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Here is a revised version of the njaa'mende (now njaamende) for any one interested. The newer version implements some of the suggestions above.
Njaamende CR 7
XP 3,200
CE Fine magical beast (swarm)
Init +9; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision; Perception +10
----- Defense -----
AC 23, touch 22, flat-footed 19(+4 Dex, +1 natural, +8 size)
hp 76 (9d10+27)
Fort +9, Ref +10, Will +7
Immune paralysis, sleep, swarm traits, weapon damage; Resist fire 5, Weaknesses vulnerability to cold
----- Offense -----[b]
[b]Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee swarm (3d6 plus distraction and poison)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks distraction (DC 17), consume
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 9th; concentration +11)
At will—dancing lights, mage hand
3/day—obscuring mist, rainbow pattern (DC 16), stone shape
----- Statistics -----
Str 3, Dex 18, Con 16, Int 9, Wis 14, Cha 14
Base Atk+9; CMB — ; CMD —
Feats Endurance, Improved Initiative, Iron Will
Skills Bluff +3, Climb +9, Craft (trapmaking) +5, Perception +10, Stealth +20; Racial Modifiers +8 Climb, +2 Craft (trapmaking), +2 Perception, +16 Stealth
Languages Common
SQ hivemind, sound mimicry (animals, voices)
----- Ecology -----
Environment warm jungle
Organization solitary, legion(2-4 swarms), or colony (5-10 swarms)
Treasure incidental
----- Special Abilities -----
Consume (Ex) The njaamende can rapidly consume any creature they swarm over. Against helpless or nauseated targets, the njaamende’s swarm attack deals 6d6 points of damage.
Hivemind (Su) The Njaamende colony shares a single consciousness centered in the hive’s queen. The queen is capable of directing several independent swarms simultaneously to a range of 1 mile. If the queen joins a swarm, that swarm gains a +2 racial bonus to Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. If the queen’s swarm is defeated, there is a 10% chance that the queen was killed. Without the queen the individual members of a colony become fatally complacent, neither eating or working until they too perish. Such individuals are incapable of self-defense.
Poison (Ex) Swarm—injury; save Fort DC 17; frequency 1/round for 6 rounds; effect 1d4 fire and 1d4 Con; cure 2 consecutive saves. The save DC is Constitution-based.
Njaamende revel in slaughter and are among the most efficient hunters in the Mwangi Expanse. Utilizing near-human intelligence, the njaamende employ cunning tactics and magical abilities to make up for their minuscule size. They combine elaborate pit traps with deception and magic to lure prey into deadly ambushes. When a trap is triggered, the njaamende swarm in and quickly devour the hapless creature. Soldiers bite and sting, and their serrated stingers cut through tough hide easily to inject a boiling poison. The searing toxin softens tissue, making it easier to consume. Colonies have been known to bring down prey as large as a high girallon; however the njaamende prefer humanoids.
Colonies of njaamende divide labor among castes similar to ants, except that a njaamende hive submits completely to the telepathic will of a solitary queen. She rules over her territory from a central hive, where she spends her life laying eggs, analyzing complex stimuli received from her soldiers, and directing the colony. Njaamende queens are careful to ensure succession. As a queen nears the end of her lifespan, she births an heir. When the heir reaches maturity, she consumes the old queen, absorbing the racial memory of her predecessors and becoming the new mind of the colony.
I know there are some elements that still need addressing and probably sometime soon I'll get back under the hood and make those changes as well.
Thanks again to the all of the Judges: Neil, Clark, Sean, Ryan and all of the forum posters every word of feedback has been very enlightening.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Locke1520
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Don't despair, Andrew. Learning lessons throughout this competition is a very important element of growing into a Superstar designer. If you advance this round, keep applying everything you've picked up during your run so far. And, if you should fall out of the competition at this stage, you'll still have your eligibility for future years. Plenty of competitors have come back to compete again (including this year). And, obviously, they're much stronger for their experience. The same could hold true for you if you find yourself in that situation. You've just got to be wise enough to learn and apply all these lessons. And the same holds true for those following along at home who are still striving to reach the Top 32. If folks get in here and study every aspect of the contest (and not just their individual designs), they will become stronger designers.
I had an earlier reply but I lost it.
I hope I'm not coming off wrong here and sounding depressed. I'm excited! Even with the critical reviews I'm still excited. The feed back isn't always easy to read but if it were all sunshine and lollipops what would I have learned?
Thanks to the judges, the message board posters and just tackling challenges I wouldn't have taken on myself, I've learned a lot in a very short time. I'd like to stay in the competition, so far it's been amazing, but at some point I'll be out. Maybe today. The opportunities to become a better designer or a published designer don't end with this years RPG Superstar. Our opportunities end when we stop trying.
I'll be working and playing at this for a long time.
Legions of four-inch insectoids rapidly click-clack down the pit walls in an eerily coordinated formation. Armored in a razor-sharp, barbed carapace, each soldier brandishes a crab-like arm ending in a serrated stinger. The horde rasps in a humanlike voice “Die!”
Njaa’mende CR 7
You should know the drill by now, but in case you (somehow) missed it so far, Ask A RPGSupersuccubus is posting from the point of view of a (very advanced) CE aligned succubus:
Maths is Important. How many points is the name worth, and does it successfully ‘Scrabble’ around for extra points?
It rates nineteen points ordinarily, but I'll give it a double word score for unpronouncability for a total of 38 points.
Would a specimen of this creature look good on the cream and scarlet paisley pattern sofa I have in my Druman villa?
It's hard to tell, as no mention is made of the coloration of these creatures. They could clash horribly, or they might fit rather well.
What place does this have at a dinner party?
Oh yes, you spread these across the floor, to create an interesting sensation for guests walking around, as a sort of exotic alternate floor covering experience to carpet.
Other comments?
By my maths, since each swarm needs a queen, and since each queen can only ever have one successor, this species is likely heading towards extinction, unless there's an additional source of new queens you haven't told us about.
Rating:
If this creature were a crime, what sort of crime would it be ?
Raglash the crazy gnoll, with the rug of welcome, in the study.