Andoran Mercantile League

[Andrew Marlowe]

Andoran Mercantile League
Alignment: LN
Headquarters: Almas
Leader: Tobias Stanton
Structure: Mercantile association
Scope: National
Resources: A half-dozen League Halls in cities across Andoran, a few sympathetic representatives on Andoran’s People’s Council, a network of investigators, privateers and guards, and several business investments which provide operating capital

At the heart of mercantilism are personal property rights. Few take these rights more seriously than the Andoran Mercantile League, also commonly referred to simply as the Mercantile League. Most Andorans think the Mercantile League is an association offering merchants discounted services including legal representation, armed protection, and asset recovery. Unbeknownst to most Andorans, the Mercantile League is now secretly plotting a darker course. In opposition to the nation’s militant abolitionism, the Mercantile League employs slave-finders to track down and return escaped Chelish slaves to their former masters.

Structure and Leadership
Tobias Stanton heads a directorate of seven notable bankers and barristers of noble birth. This shadowy directorate determines the Mercantile League’s agenda. Each member of the directorate oversees one of the League Halls, and each League Hall is comprised of a complicated bureaucracy responsible for managing the mundane day-to-day operations. There are other illicit operations that the directorate members handle more directly. For example, Tobias — along with his chief aide, a disgraced Pathfinder named Jarret Bode — oversees the slave-finders because he won’t allow such a delicate and lucrative operation entirely out of his own hands.

Goals
The Andoran Mercantile League’s public goal is protecting all Andorans from the sort of losses the nobility incurred during the People’s Revolt, but that is not its true agenda. Tobias Stanton leads the Mercantile League’s directorate passionately towards his vision of ascendant nobility; not following the old ways of bloodlines and houses, but within this new democracy. The directorate believes power flows not from birthright, but from gold and political influence. It pursues its goals of reparations incrementally. It subtly manipulates the support of a few key representatives on the People’s Council while skirting the nation’s strict corruption laws to achieve these ends.

Public Perception
Few Andorans, even among the merchants who have joined the Andoran Mercantile League, are aware of the full scope of the organization’s goals and activities. Most Andorans see Tobias Stanton and the Mercantile League as defenders of the people’s rights and the embodiment of the philosophy and principles the nation was founded on.

[Neil Spicer]

Welcome to RPG Superstar, Andrew. It's time to up your game. The contest takes on an entirely new spin at this level. And, as judges we're here to comment on your work, both in the hopes of guiding you in honing your game design skills, and also to help the voting public assess how you measure up. With that in mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about what you did well and where I think you still need to demonstrate growth. So, let's see what we've got...

First off, I was intrigued to see you going for a mercantile league. Money is power. So, that's a really good basis from which to create an antagonistic organization. And, sometimes, the "villains" in such an organization aren't your typical villains. Sometimes, it's the money alone that becomes the villain, because that's what drives them to ever-increasing atrocities against their own people. Andoran kind of has an entity like that already in the Lumber Consortium. And, there are other places like Druma, Molthune, and Qadira that have a greater focus on the accumulation of wealth so they can use it to wield influence over Golarion. So, I'm halfway torn between wishing you'd given us a mercantile league from one of those nations vs. pleased that you gave us another one in a different nation. Still, I'm not sure Andoran was the best place for air-dropping this idea.

That brings me to the slave trade element. Because, that clandestine activity in the middle of an abolitionist state like Andoran is one of the more intriguing elements of your design. It's like a reverse underground railroad, identifying freed slaves, bagging and tagging them, and then selling them back into slavery to their old masters in Cheliax. Talk about a nefarious undertaking! And, with something like that taking place under the very nose of the Peoples' Council, it's a somewhat inspiring idea. It's a big swing for the fence. I'm just not sure you connected on it. It's more of a foul ball that made it over the fence. The distance it traveled is impressive. But it's not a homerun.

The reason I feel that way is that the way you've written up this organization, it just doesn't "pop" off the page. I get a sense of what you were going for...but something's just lacking and I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it. Clark sometimes likes to call these situations "a first draft." And maybe that's what I'm sensing. This feels like a first draft to me. The writing isn't organized quite well enough to really pin down all the best aspects of your idea. Yet, the underlying idea is actually a pretty good one. It's the execution that feels somewhat off here.

From an advice perspective, here's my recommendation. Before simply trying to fill in each category of the template on an organization, I'd suggest that you write out a single sentence...a summary, if you will...about the Andoran Mercantile League. It needs to be something short, simple, concise, but powerful. In that single sentence, you need to describe what this organization is, what it does, and why. Once you write that down, it should become your mission statement for the rest of the write-up. That's because everything else you write in filling out the template should do justice to that single summarized statement. Don't wander your way through the writing assignment. Organize your writing based on that summary. Make sure everything you write after that supports your one-sentence description. If you can do that, I think your writing will find a clearer purpose. And it'll be stronger for it. You'll be able to center yourself and do justice to the pretty cool idea you have in mind.

So, I don't know. I'm a little torn on which direction to go with my recommendation on your work here. I think I'll have to put myself ON THE FENCE for this one. There's the core of an idea here that I like. It's just not quite polished down to a point where I'm fully won over by it.

Regardless, it'll be up to the voters to decide your fate. What I've written above is simply my own feelings about your work, not you individually as a person. And I've also made an attempt to hopefully give you food for thought on how you go about crafting your designs. Looking back at the last round, your Cayden's cup kind of came to us as a surprise. It retread some ground from a similar item in a prior RPG Superstar contest. But, it stood out enough and showed some creative thinking that we wanted to reward you with a shot at the Top 32. At this point, it's all about what you do to make the most of that opportunity. We'll see how everyone feels about your Andoran Mercantile League and your overall body of work. Best of luck in the exit polls.

[Clark Peterson]

Andrew, welcome to Round 2!

What you are getting from me in this critique: This round is all about conflict and story. I think the best organizations create interesting and compelling groups that will come into conflict with the PCs. My comments, and my recommendation, will focus on how well you do that. My comments will also focus on writing and use of your allotted content in achieving your goals. What you won't get from me: I don't have the total Golarion-fu that Neil and Sean do, so I will leave to them whether you got the nitty gritty details of some of the setting stuff to them (though apparently I did have enough Golarion-fu to know its Pharasmin not Pharasmian, you know who you are).

So here we go!

Initial Impression: An evil reverse underground railway, nasty!

Concept (name, title, is it an organization?, overall design choices, is the organization and antagonist and does it create direct conflict for the PCs?, playability): B-
Name is stale. The core idea is rather compelling—sort of like an underground railroad in reverse: instead of freeing the slaves they are finding them and secretly returning them. That is an antagonist for sure. Problem is, though, the beating heart of your organization and its coolest hook is right there in that idea, I just don’t think you really found it. But I can’t deny that cool idea seed is there.

Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, quality of mandatory content, did you milk your idea for all it was worth? did you use your allotted space well?): C+
Neil read my mind. This smacks of a first draft, meaning your first shot at fleshing out the idea. I think that explains why you didn’t fully find what I think is the best part of your idea. Execution is not up to par and your writing isn’t grabbing me. Not enough on the NPCs and nothing really about cool locations. Does not make a GM say “oh, I gotta use that!”

Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor, are you showing Superstar mojo?): B
The core idea grabbed me, but this really feels like a first draft.

Overall: B-
I think you did enough to advance, barely.

Recommendation: I DO recommend this organization submission for advancement.

Andrew, the cup is getting some love on the boards, but if you make it through you really need to bring the awesome next round. Not sure if you will. It’s up to the voters. Good luck!

[Sean K Reynolds]

I just can't get over the concept of a pro-slavery group within Andoran. Andoran freed all its slaves 42 years ago. There are people all over Andoran right now who were born into slavery, and were freed when the common people had a bloodless revolution and decided that freedom was an essential right of every person. The idea of merchants in Andoran--who, presumably, are doing quite well for themselves in their abolitionist homeland--buying into the idea of this group just doesn't jibe with me--it doesn't fit the campaign setting.

I do not recommend this to advance.

[Ryan Dancey]

My biggest problem with this organization is that it is a one-trick pony. Once the lid is blown off their slaving activities the whole thing falls apart. And since they're wired in to the very top of civil society as a part of the value they add, once that's severed they cease to be interesting.

There is not compelling meat on this bone either. Tobias is a cookie-cutter villain without any real substance. Nothing else in the organization is interesting - they're just merchants.

This might have been adequate filler for an Andorran sourcebook or a Pathfinder Society adventure but it isn't Superstar.

I recommend that you do not vote for this designer.

EDIT FROM SEAN: Competitors, remember this item from the Round 2 FAQ, which reminds competitors about the rule against commenting about their own submissions. We're pasting this reminder into the last judge comment for every organization just to make sure all competitors see it and remember.

[Andrew Marlowe]

Thanks to the judges for the feedback, this has been an awesome opportunity. I'll take the lessons learned here into the next round if given that chance.

Thanks to every one who liked Cayden's Cup and every one else who has challenged my design choices. Critical analysis is essential for creative growth and I hope to take all of this in, and deliver an awesome monster for round three.

[Iain Reid]

I didn't like this at first, but it grew on me. I've have liked to have seen more exploration of the evil side of the organisation. Andoran's free slaves, sure, and this organisation is a front for some nastiness, sure. So skip to the evil and tell me what they really do. I'd also have liked to have seen them be a bit more evil than "wants to gain influence in the senate". The blacksmith's guild wants influence ... doesn't make them evil.

But it does have the potential to sucker in PCs. Ok, everyone knows that "the person that hired you is actually evil" is a terrible cliche, but you could use this in an interesting way as a slow reveal as the PCs find out more about who they are working for and are faced with the choice between acting against the railroad and foiling their nefarious plans, but leaving all those slaves.

Anyway, it gets my 3rd vote.

[Monica Marlowe]

I think I was less stressed about giving birth to our two children than waiting for the responses to this submission. I guess that's because I didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl...I'm still not sure. Good luck Andrew!

[Thomas LeBlanc]

I don't see this org being able to function in Andora. The League seems to be built to oppose everything Andora stands for, which could make the PCs work against them as investigators searching for wrongdoing.

[Lady Ophelia]

You know.. My Pathfinder Society calls Andorian the "United States of America" of the Golarion and Pathfinder RPG as a whole.

So while it's almost ludicrous to hear of Andorians who return Chelish slaves to their owners, we in America did that too back in the days leading up to the Civil War.

All the above being said.. To me, this sounds like something I would deal with in a Pathfinder Society scenario instead of an RPG Superstar submission. I just can't get behind it because it's a reverse of cannon. And yet, it's why I like it so much as well.

Status: On Reserve list--I can't accept Andorians allowing this... But I will try.

[Saint Trickery]

As Lady Ophelia said, historically this is something that existed in the antebellum United States with a slave and free society existing near one another. It's not too much of a leap to think that greedy merchants might put profit over principle even in a principled society, and PCs would love to hate such a group.

Blowing the lid on slaving operations might well NOT put an end to the organization, as the organization could hang the merchant out to dry with a shocked denial from the mentioned 'complicated bureaucracy'.

I'd like to have seen something a little more interesting about the leadership of the group and what PCs might face though, because greedy merchants as such seem like maybe a pretty weak antagonist? But I like the concept a lot and it's original and surprising.

[Andrew Black]

What I like best about this organization is the various ways I can include it into my game.

I could see this being used as an ally to help PC's at low lower levels with some bureaucratic red tape, only to have the characters find out at higher levels the true malicious nature of the inner circle leadership.

Characters could be hired to work for the company as part of an above board legal mission, only to find out later that their beloved employer has a secret agenda. Or even the get hired under the guise of doing good work only to discover they are being manipulated by leadership.

The League could appear as an adversary in an urban political campaign as the party struggles against the motivations and Machiavellian antics of the directorate, or adventuring PC's could be pitted directly against the slaver finders or other agents doing the secret work.

This one will get my VOTE for sure!

[Maurice de Mare]

A reverse underground railroad is a fun enough idea for me - and I think you will make my cut, but that is mostly due to the less than awesome competition.

[cheshirescott]

One of the things that strike me about this submission isn't the organization's end game, it's the potential subtleties of the organization; the kind of variation you can get based on the region in which the League Hall is based and the director of said League Hall. The insurance angle alone intrigues me because you could get a League House that's basically State Farm in appearance and approach or you could get a mob style protection racket. Possibly both if the director is crafty enough. I kind of wish my old merchant PC could have interacted with an org like this.

Mah voet. U haz it.

[Mothman]

This one is an interesting idea. I think the writing and execution could use some work, but I like the exploration of a dark side to Andoran culture, and I could certainly see this as an antagonistic group.

A few people have commented along the lines that they can’t see something like this happening in Andoran, it goes against every principle of that nation – to me, that is what DOES work about it, I think the author has decided to look behind that almost too good to be true good guy facade of the Andorans and see where some of the more materialistic threads of this society could lead.

At first reading I didn’t think this entry was quite interesting enough to vote for, but on second thought it is on my short list.

Good luck Andrew.

[Urizen]

Actually, there's some potential to this. Even in the U.S., there are people that are imported over illegally to work as indentured servants in substandard factories and/or house servants for the wealthy. Some are even involved in the sex trade. Slavery has been abolished since 1865.

But it's 2012, now. It still happens. We're still combating it.

The name of this organization prides in its ambiguity with the pro-capitalism concept they adhere to -- at all costs. Like the mafia and other organizations, they have legitimate fronts. But they are capitalists first; socialists last. There's always going to be that shady businessman that wants cheap labor with a one-time cost. And the Andoran Mercantile League is going to get them what they need. There may be generations in Andoran that pays lip service to the democracy, but they have scions who have been raised in a Chelaxian environment and personally see no wrong with having slaves.

"Who, me? I'm providing this person room and board and three squares a day in trade for services rendered. Let me get my contract and my lawyer and we can discuss this matter further." <nod, wink, stern glare over to the maid who best shut up or else her family back home is going to get the repercussion felt.>

I think you can eke into my eight votes, Andrew. :)

[steelhead]

I agree with Neil, that you have to work on finding your kernel of an idea – that one sentence that sums up everything – and work backwards from that in your writing. I wasn’t very impressed by this entry originally, but after thinking about it, I really like the possibilities! The problem is that in future rounds you need for everyone to see your Superstar-quality idea immediately. I humbly disagree with Sean, and would like to emphasize some of the other posters’ thoughts. The beauty of this organization, is it exists in a country where you wouldn’t expect it. Honestly, Andoran really didn’t interest me as a GM to locate my campaign as it was too much like the US. Why have your players use it as a base to travel to neighboring Katapesh, Osirion or Cheliax to harass slavers when you can locate the campaign in those nations?

Now with this organization, I see the possibilities of an Andoran-based campaign where the players raid Cheliax to take down a slave ring, but the trail leads back home. This has all the makings of numerous epic adventures, and as many previous comments suggest, there are many examples of this in post-Civil War America, and parallels in the contemporary era all around the world. Racism or the de-humanizing of certain people doesn’t happen overnight in all citizens in a recently unshackled nation like Andoran. I think I just convinced myself to vote for you, Andrew. However, read through all the comments and take them to heart—the competition only escalates from here to the finish line!

[Saint Trickery]

steelhead wrote:

Now with this organization, I see the possibilities of an Andoran-based campaign where the players raid Cheliax to take down a slave ring, but the trail leads back home.

I hadn't thought of that angle but it is awesome. Send the PCs from their "good" home to be dogooders with the evil slaving neighbors, and the big bad guy actually lived next door from the start.

[Kerney]

Sounds like the same type of American Company who sells tear gas to the government of an oppressive dictatorship who then uses it on protesters urging freedom and democracy.

Seriously, these guys make sense as people with influence who gradually take over, weakening those laws and if given a century or two, would make Andoran into something like Cheliax, while leaving the machinary of the 'Peoples Democracy' intact.

Basically, very much like some species of Republicans IRL.
So I can totally see them and believe them.

On the other hand, on the scale of boring and unoriginal to interesting and original to wack job crazy out there, they come out a little bit on the boring and unoriginal side.

They are probably somewhere between my 8th and 10th choice, so it may or may not get my vote.

[Nanakago]

I like the basic idea here. The reverse underground railroad aspect is certainly something that would put this organization (to quote a phrase Clark used to evaluate villain submissions in an earlier contest) "on a collision course with the PCs."

The one thing I wanted most out of this organization submission that you didn't give us was the why of it. Is it really that lucrative to sell slaves back, if selling them back is what they're doing (your text just says that they return the slaves to their master, not that they're paid for it). Are they doing what they feel is best for the Andoran economy by getting rid of refugees that don't contribute enough economically or are a burden on the state? Are they trying to set themselves up for eventual expansion into Cheliax by establishing good working relationships with the slaveholders? There are lots of motivations/directions you could have gone with, but we needed at least one good reason to back up the cool antagonistic bent.

[Kris Newton]

I agree with the general assessment of the AML: You've got a cool concept here, but the execution is lacking. All I have to add is something a bit more constructive. What would have made this a stronger entry in my eyes?

The key thing that this entry lacks is adventure. You tell us a good bit about motivations and give us some nice, specific context, but there's not quite enough action. I want to hear about opulent mansions with pens of gagged slaves struggling for freedom in the basement. I want to know about the "black ops" teams who work as anonymous artisans and laborers during the day, then kidnap freed slaves in the dead of night. I want to see what's happening here, with special emphasis on the stuff that would make a PC roll initiative.

Your idea here may be strong enough to buoy you to the next round, even though you undersold it pretty heavily. Good luck.

[Andrew Marlowe]

Wow, this has been quite an experience. I'd like to thank everyone who took a look at the Andoran Mercantile League and offered feed back. The feedback both positive and negative has been a great help in seeing where my design could have been improved and will help in future endeavors whether I advance to round 3 or make it back into the contest next year. So again thank you.

I'll address some of the comments from above in a post shortly but also feel free to post any specific questions you may still have about the Andoran Mercantile League and I'll do my best to address those as well.

[Andrew Marlowe]

Neil Spicer wrote:

Welcome to RPG Superstar, Andrew. It's time to up your game. The contest takes on an entirely new spin at this level. And, as judges we're here to comment on your work, both in the hopes of guiding you in honing your game design skills, and also to help the voting public assess how you measure up. With that in mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about what you did well and where I think you still need to demonstrate growth. So, let's see what we've got...

First off Neil, Clark, Sean and Ryan let me thank you for the excellent analysis. There is a lot of advice in these opening reviews that I will take to heart. You also said several things that I wanted to beat my head on the table over it was advice I had given myself then somehow abandoned in the design process.

So what I think I've got...Is quite a bit to learn.

I'd like to address Sean's not insignificant concern first. I assume the fault of the misunderstanding here is primarily mine as the writing may not have been clear enough. We're only a generation removed from the bloodless revolution when the nobility was forced to surrender it's wealth including slaves and prison work camps and turn that wealth over to the now former slaves and prisoners. I agree that the new merchant class made up of these freemen would not embrace a return to the bad old days but the old nobility and their heirs who run the Mercantile League do not have the same point of view.

The intent was that the League's leadership kept it's shadier dealings quiet and is absolutely silent about it's darkest deeds like returning slaves to Cheliax. The merchant membership would be unaware they belonged an organization capable of such evil.

As Mothman points out I was trying to look behind the all too good to be true facade and add a new element that was both recognizable and disturbingly believable. It was the very paradox of slavers in Andoran that was my original central theme and in writing my entry I failed to really make that theme pop. I think Penne Al Arrabiata and OwlbearRepublic are probably right, I needed to offer something much more evocative for my entry.

Neil and Clark your appraisals of the wandering text and "first draft" feel right to me. Rereading my entry with your comments in mind I can see a number of ways I can tighten and improve it. Thank you.

[Monica Marlowe]

Wait, you mean we have to do this again with monsters?

Congratulations sweetheart and thank you Paizo fans. Good luck to the Top 16 and best wishes to the remaining Top 32. You are all amazing. (And yes, I'm very late with this :-) )

[Jacob Trier]

mamaursula wrote:

Wait, you mean we have to do this again with monsters?

Congratulations sweetheart and thank you Paizo fans. Good luck to the Top 16 and best wishes to the remaining Top 32. You are all amazing. (And yes, I'm very late with this :-) )

I think we need to get a separate guild-hall thread set up for wives, girlfriends and other supporters. My wife can certainly relate to what you are saying, mamaursula. I know that one of her main motivations for cheering me on in this round is that a Top 8 placement ensures that I won't have to do this again next year.

[Andrew Marlowe]

Jacob Trier wrote:

I think we need to get a separate guild-hall thread set up for wives, girlfriends and other supporters. My wife can certainly relate to what you are saying, mamaursula. I know that one of her main motivations for cheering me on in this round is that a Top 8 placement ensures that I won't get to do this again next year.

FIFY

[Ask A RPGSupersuccubus]

Andrew Marlowe wrote:

Andoran Mercantile League

Alignment: LN
Headquarters: Almas
Leader: Tobias Stanton
Structure: Mercantile association
Scope: National

Disclaimer:

You should know the drill by now, but in case you missed it the first time round, Ask A RPGSupersuccubus is posting from the point of view of a CE aligned succubus:

Spoiler:

Fairness is an adjective applicable to hair coloration, balance is what a couple of mortals rapidly losing it on opposite ends of a plank pivoted on a rocky spire a couple of hundred feet above a slowly rising pool of molten basalt try to do, and logic is one of those things which you could swear is there when you rattle the piggybank but if anyone other than a demon opens it the contents turn out to be a couple of dead wasps and a six week old ‘to do (in)’ list.

;)

Important Note:
There’s a difference between late and fashionably late. The former is what most other beings manage. The latter is what sophisticated, (very advanced) succubi manage.

First impressions always being important, do members of this organization wear nifty robes or uniforms when out on formal business?
No uniform or manner of dress is indicated. There isn't even any outline of a badge.

Does membership of this organisation seem likely to involve regular tea or dinner parties or other appropriate social occasions?
Conceivably, for the top tier. With bankers and barristers involved, I can at least envision some fairly long lunches with a good deal of alcohol being consumed. The lower tiers may not be so lucky though.

Is the cost of being a member of this organisation likely to be acceptable to a succubus?
No membership fee is indicated. (It's starting to get annoying writing this. Mental note for future years, contestants do not tend to mention membership costs in their entries.) By the look of it, though, this organization doesn't really have members, beyond the inner circle. They employ a lot of people on a day-to-day basis, but they apparently don't have any members apart from a handful of bankers and barristers who take long lunches.

Other comments?
I'm in too minds about whether this organization is a Good Thing or not. Whilst subversive organizations are always tremendous fun, at least in concept, and I don't have anything against slavery in general, I do start to get twitchy about slavery concerned with Asmodeus worshiping Cheliax.
Edit:
Let's face it, the fact these guys are stated to be (l)awful is a bit too much to stomach on top of the propping up Chelish institutions, many of which could do with a good, hearty, thump. This bunch are Not A Good Thing, and ought to be exposed for what they are, so that they can at least cause some proper chaos in their fall.

Rating:
Organizations are not being rated except under special circumstances.