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I believe in gender equality.
Everyone has an equal right to have raunchy jokes made in their presence.
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"Do you know what the last Blue Dragon said before he was killed?"
"AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!" With hand motions grabbing at the chest:)
I stole that from Babylon 5. Something about the Centauri killing the last of a sentient, dual evolution, competing race in their worlds history.
Recently, I said "You never forget your first." One of the ladies at the table said she wished she could.
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We were playing a COC type game, was in a stonehenge type structure with a witch and a blob. We were in an argument over if ashe was a good witch or bad witch, so one character (logically) pulled out their gun and fired. Other guy played a card so he took the bullet.
"You shot me!"
"You got in the way!"
"You shot me!"
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"Do you know what the last Blue Dragon said before he was killed?"
"AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!" With hand motions grabbing at the chest:)
I stole that from Babylon 5. Something about the Centauri killing the last of a sentient, dual evolution, competing race in their worlds history.Recently, I said "You never forget your first." One of the ladies at the table said she wished she could.
Oh I remember that, It was a big Centari feast and Londo Mollari gesticulating as usual, said " do you know what the last Xon said? Aaarrgh!!!"
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I believe in gender equality.
Everyone has an equal right to have raunchy jokes made in their presence.
A friend of mine is a Unitarian minister. She once told me that, given her profession, no one EVER tells her any good jokes.
I then proceeded to tell her a particicularly filthy one (I won't post it here due to forum rules), and she laughed harder than I'd ever seen.
I believe in gender equality.
Everyone has an equal right to have raunchy jokes made in their presence.
A friend of mine is a Unitarian minister. She once told me that, given her profession, no one EVER tells her any good jokes.
I then proceeded to tell her a particicularly filthy one (I won't post it here due to forum rules), and she laughed harder than I'd ever seen.
Perfect.
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During a Pathfinder campaign, the resident barbarian had lost one of his hands. Later on, the party got a necromancer to attach a new one they stole from a graveyard. From time to time, the hand would slap him, give the finger to random people and stuff like that. When asked if it wasn't problematic, he responded with his characteristic russian accent:
"Hand holds sword. Sword kills people. Vorgok pleased with arrangement. Rest of time, hand can have day off"
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Space 1889 game. The party was going through a hunting safari in Venus, when one of the characters (Lord Nigel Blackhorn of Humplebottom-on-Averyshire, Proffessional Nothingdoer) suddenly snapped:
"By golly, I haven't done anything lordly in almost two days. <Pointing at two servants> You and you, fight to death for my amusement. Chop chop"
He also insisted on calling everyone "Richard".
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Oh I remember that, It was a big Centari feast and Londo Mollari gesticulating as usual, said " do you know what the last Xon said? Aaarrgh!!!""Do you know what the last Blue Dragon said before he was killed?"
"AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!" With hand motions grabbing at the chest:)
I stole that from Babylon 5. Something about the Centauri killing the last of a sentient, dual evolution, competing race in their worlds history.Recently, I said "You never forget your first." One of the ladies at the table said she wished she could.
I remember Londo telling a lightbulb joke:-
Q: How many Centauri does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one.....but in the Great Old Days, a hundred servants would change a thousand lightbulbs at our merest whim!
Q: How many Minbari does it take to change a lightbulb?
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"F@#$ this Lich!"
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"You're a horrible example of a Human being."
"I'm only half Human!"
"Clearly you didn't get the half with good taste!"
"You're a horrible example of a Human being."
"I'm only half Human!"
"Clearly you didn't get the half with good taste!"
Well then... Now my ASoI&F RPG Dwarf Characters comment feels like a bad rip-off...
Enemy Soldier 1: "Come on! Fight me like a Man!"
My Dwarf(Gaius): "Technically I am only Half a Man!"
Enemy Soldier 2: "Yeah apparently the Half without a Spine!"
My Comrade(Erk): "Funny given how he fought in the Battle of the Trident while you were still busy s****** yourself!"
"Ok, you greased the ground and the Tengu falls off. He gets up (made his ride check) and is furious."
"Does that make him-"
"Yes, he's an angry bird."
Was there as much groaning as laughter? :P
No where near as bad as my friend making Angry Bird enemies for us to fight.
Guh... The Horror! The Horror!
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Group was facing against a trio of medusa sisters in a wacky older edition D&D mash-up, we had gotten two of them to petrify themselves. We're holding the two hostage to getting the third one to come out and surrender. Being evil creatures, the third medusa was wondering if the safety of her sisters were really worth anything.
And then our half-giant swampmage said, "Growing up an only child, I know the value of siblings. I killed all mine."
In the end, we persuaded the third medusa to come out and surrender for her own safety more than anything.
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Group was facing against a trio of medusa sisters in a wacky older edition D&D mash-up, we had gotten two of them to petrify themselves. We're holding the two hostage to getting the third one to come out and surrender. Being evil creatures, the third medusa was wondering if the safety of her sisters were really worth anything.
And then our half-giant swampmage said, "Growing up an only child, I know the value of siblings. I killed all mine."
In the end, we persuaded the third medusa to come out and surrender for her own safety more than anything.
Lizzie Borden got an axe
Gave her father forty whacksWhen she saw what she had done
She gave her mother forty-one
Yeah, even Lizzie Borden threw herself on the mercy of the court, on account of her being an orphan....!
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So in our last session (I am GM) thr group was kind of stuck underground with an overbearing Mite, who thought they were all his servants, while the mite (and his colossal titan centipede) were off fighting Kobolds, they decided to go exploring the tunnels a bit. They left the druid there to make up an excuse for them disappearing, should the mite return before they did.
Only when they were already quite a way down the tunnels did they realize that the druid is generally not very good when it comes to talking. So they come up with soemthing and decide to send the Eidolon of the Ninja's Summoner cohort back to tell him what they want him to say (the summoner does have the Unfetter Eidolon spell).
I remember the Link ability
Me: "You know with the eidolon's link ability Salysa (the summoner) could basically tell Rosie (the eidolon) what to say to Akio (the druid). And Rosie could relay his response."
Fighter player: "So we could use the eidolon like a phone."
Me: "An iDophone, if you will."
Eidophone! Priceless!
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Playing my aspiring pirate lizard man, declared the swift action to enter Dragon Style stance.
Missus Turin looks over and goes "Oppa Dragon Style!"
cues appropriate pop song
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From our group's Vampire: The Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition game the other night. Our group consists of:
A Tremere ghoul who's learning the basics of hedge wizardry and Thaumaturgy (Described by the GM as "A @*&%ing teenager...")
A Lasombra antitribu who is much more competent than the rest of us ("...a traitor...")
A Ravnos with a penchant for grand theft larceny ("...a gypsy...")
Me, a Nosferatu who hides his deformity with a Richard Nixon mask and fake beard ("...the thirty-seventh President of the United States of America...")
And an ex-IRA Brujah who actually specialized in making IEDs. ("...and a terrorist! Great %*#&ing group, everyone!")
We need to go question a Toreador about a recent murder, but we're having problems trying to get past the security guard in her apartment. The most horrifying thing comes out of our ghoul's mouth.
Tremere Ghoul: But... but it's Anne's birthday!
Guard: Is it?
Tremere Ghoul: We got her a stripper!
Lasombra: A Richard Nixon stripper!
Me: (does the Nixon dual peace signs, and starts grooving)
Brujah: A bad Nixon stripper!
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GURPS cyberpunk one-shot, for context.
Sniper has almost max ranks in Sniper Rifle skill. He takes a full round aiming at the target, a corrupt VIP with tight security around him. He says into his microphone wired to the other party member's ears ,"Alright guys, just another couple seconds and we can get out of here."
Takes another few rounds aiming, improving his skill to the point where missing is near impossible (1/216th or somesuch unlikely fraction).
He fires, simultaniously sayting into the mic "Alright, time to go guys."
He rolls, and, of course, rolls three sixes (in GURPS, rolling lower isbetter, with three sixes being automatic failure). Because this was meant to be a just for fun, light-hearted one-shot, he shot the guy's toupee off.
"Guys, look like this just became a lot harder. And he's bald."
The last bit just made the whole table lose it. It was more the delivery than anything.
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3.5 homebrew.
There was this cute little kid named Hope. She was supposed to be the reincarnation of the good goddess The Unnamed which was killed long ago by the goddess of death, who died too in the act.
We spent almost all the second part of the game protecting this child then it turns out she actually was the reincarnation of the goddess of death.
When she betray us plunging the entire world in a miasma of death and rot, i couldn't help but comment: "So... At least, now we know her full name is Hope-You-Die..."
Since then, we actually use that name to refer to her.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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New player vs. Old player moment.
One of our local players was playing a new PC, a gnome paladin. She previously played a gnome sorcerer who was tormented by mites. (well to be precice she was tormented by my bad jokes, using mites as a proxy) She HATES the little blue buggers.
New player had just bought a Pathfinder Battles box, and pulled out (among other things) a mite mini. She doesn't have a mini for her new gnome on hand.
"Well you could use my mite mini..."
*death glare from the player, while those of us in on the joke crack up laughing.*
It's situational, but it made us laugh.
Playing my aspiring pirate lizard man, declared the swift action to enter Dragon Style stance.
Missus Turin looks over and goes "Oppa Dragon Style!"
cues appropriate pop song
Oh my. To bad their isn't a Horse Style.
Oh my. Too bad there isn't a Horse Style.Playing my aspiring pirate lizard man, declared the swift action to enter Dragon Style stance.
Missus Turin looks over and goes "Oppa Dragon Style!"
cues appropriate pop song
Ah, well, Missus Turin could do that to her character if she wants to. ;)
Ah, well, Missus Turin could do that to her character if she wants to. ;)Oh my. Too bad there isn't a Horse Style.Playing my aspiring pirate lizard man, declared the swift action to enter Dragon Style stance.
Missus Turin looks over and goes "Oppa Dragon Style!"
cues appropriate pop song
...
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"I want to speak to your manager!"
Followed quickly by:
"I can't believe that I actually just said that in a fantasy game."
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AD&D 2e. One of the PCs was an alchemist who kept making a powder-like substance that granted him a bonus on Knowledge-related rolls, which he then snorted with a tiny tube. All the time.
Player 1 "You are always sniffing on that blue stuff?"
Player 2 "I occasionally enjoy it"
Player 3 "No, you always do"
Player 2 "It's good for your BRAINS, man, FOR YOUR BRAINS"
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Dune game. We were playing envoys from an imperial house sent to a faraway moon, Lesotho II, which was as poor as misery goes. We were told the area was dangerous and that we might be attacked, so we all wore our shields. When we get out of the ship, there was a large crowd checking us out, when the sunlight causes our shields to shine.
Kid "Dad, why do they sparkle like that?"
Dad "Where they come from, they have... food"
Kid "Ooh, I want food too!"
We didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Player 1 "Well, we've got ourselves a real Sophie's Choice here."
Player 2 "That's the one where everyone wins and is happy, right?
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Party is divided do to them failing horribly against a trap:
Warrior and Mage are separated onto their own both IRL and In-Game. At the same time we hear these 2 lines from their rooms.
Warrior: "Why couldn't I have been a Mage!"
Mage: "Why couldn't I have been a Warrior!"
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High offensive but totally unintentional:
Our group ran afoul of some insane ghosts, that had afflicted most of the party with paranoia. One of the PCs ran off into the jungle on her own, and after days spent curing the rest of the group, we'd finally tracked her down.
She very appropriately reacted to this in the same way she had near the beginning of the AP, when she was alone and being pursued through the jungle by cannibals: she climbed a tall tree and hid behind cover.
Our GM, who has done his share of game hunting, and was thus referring to procyon lotor, announced "You have treed the 'coon."
A half second later it occured to the players that this particular PC, alone in our group, happened to be ethnically Mwangi. Wow, was our GM red-faced.
@Damon Griffin: This is what I thought of for some reason...
@Damon Griffin: This is what I thought of for some reason...
Good Lord, I hadn't heard that story (or anything from Jerry Clower) for decades.
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AD&D 2e. One of the PCs was an alchemist who kept making a powder-like substance that granted him a bonus on Knowledge-related rolls, which he then snorted with a tiny tube. All the time.
Player 1 "You are always sniffing on that blue stuff?"
Player 2 "I occasionally enjoy it"
Player 3 "No, you always do"
Player 2 "It's good for your BRAINS, man, FOR YOUR BRAINS"
According to the movies, everyone was snorting stuff in the '80s!
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Okay, here's one from a few sessions ago.
The PCs were traveling, and came upon a fairly large town. They stayed the night at the best inn-- which had luxury rooms (single accommodations). Of course, three sessions ago, they had killed an Aspis Consortium gold agent and had broken up a very lucrative smuggling ring. So the local chapter chief put a hit out on the PCs. A four-man assassination team had been following the PCs for some time, and I decided that they were going to strike there.
Long story short, one PC failed three Perception checks and the Fort save on a coup de grace and died. The PCs managed to kill each of the other three assassins (including by throwing one assassin out of a fourth-floor window), but then discovered that their friend was dead and his assassin had escaped.
After returning from a brief search for the escaping assassin (who got away), the barbarian with a 7 Charisma tried to reassure the other guests, many of whom had been awakened by the fight in the corridors...
"It's OK! Nothing at all to worry about! We just killed three assassins that tried to murder us in our sleep, but they’re dead now, so they won’t be bothering anyone any more. Well, one did get away, but I’m SURE he’s not stupid enough to come back! Sleep tight, everyone!"
Oh goodness that's a good one, that was roleplayed well
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@Damon Griffin: This is what I thought of for some reason...Good Lord, I hadn't heard that story (or anything from Jerry Clower) for decades.
I have the Clower Power CD on hand for long road trips.
Sometimes you just get tired of the radio replaying songs and your other CDs doing the same.
@Damon Griffin: This is what I thought of for some reason...Good Lord, I hadn't heard that story (or anything from Jerry Clower) for decades.I have the Clower Power CD on hand for long road trips.
Sometimes you just get tired of the radio replaying songs and your other CDs doing the same.
Oh yeah.
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"So if our camel breaks down, does that mean we have to call for a camel-tow?"