Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?

[DungeonmasterCal]

During last night's game with my son and his friends:

The BBEG was about to throw a ricochet hammer at my son's character. I describe the "wind up" and just before I roll the d20 my son shouts "Stop!" I responded with "But it's hammer time..."

[Dire Elf]

Yesterday, our party's inquisitor was failed his save versus a fear effect and ran away from the combat at top speed (he has the Run feat), screaming all the way.

Brawler: "That's not right. [Inquisitor] usually runs toward a fight."
Inquisitor: "He runs with style."
Brawler: "Screaming is a style?"
Inquisitor: "What happens in combat stays in combat!"

A little later, the warpriest of Iomedae killed a quasit with one blow and made a smug comment about it.
GM: "Oh, I forgot, when they die they explode. The damage only affects followers of Iomedae."

[Matthew Morris]

Half orc player starts threatening a barriester in his office, in an office complex. Barrister starts screaming for help, situation goes from bad to worse.

After being beaten (unconscious) by Absalom's finest, he says, "It's because I'm a half orc, right?" I said, "No it's the battery and assault of officers that got you beat up by them.

On his chronicle sheet I added #orclivesmatter.

[Dire Elf]

In Wrath of the Righteous:

The Shaman has been affected by a curse that reduces his Charisma. The GM describes him as feeling a bit demoralized as a result.
GM: "Roll a Diplomacy check."
Shaman: "I feel unworthy." He rolls, then says in a depressed tone of voice, "Twenty-five."

The party is on the move, with the warpriest, brawler, and slayer in front and the wizard and shaman at the back with the NPCs.
GM: "You've got all the scary-looking PCs in the front of the party."
Shaman: "We're business in front, party in the back."
GM: "You're in mullet formation!"

The GM describes a neighborhood the party is passing through as made up of upscale shops.
Warpriest's player: "You see a shop with just a blank front and a Victoria's secret door."
The shaman's player and the brawler's player simultaneously roll their eyes, look at the GM and say, "Please, continue."

[Arakhor]

I want to know what sort of secret door that is! :p

[Turin the Mad]

Arakhor wrote:

I want to know what sort of secret door that is! :p

Overpriced, sized for hobbits and paper thin? ;)

[Belabras]

Early in our game session a player rolled a 1 on his attempt to identify a giant snake - instead mistaking it for a bear.

Later, the party encountered a medusa. On seeing her (and making his gaze save) the player called out "Watch out! She has bears for hair!"

[Goddity]

"Quick! Check the paladin alarm!"

[Captain Battletoad]

Minor Carrion Crown Spoiler:

Last night our group was in the basement of Harrowstone and came upon the Mosswater Marauder encounter (short while after the possessed manacles attacked our paladin upstairs). After dealing with the Marauder, I looked my DM (who plays in a few of the APs that we have all going at the same time) and slowly said, "Man there sure are a lot of Skull & Shackles in this dungeon... huh." Luckily I survived his ensuing attempts on my cleric's life.

[Simeon]

I was playing in a game of The Sun Orchid Scheme and our GM was using dire weasel minis as a stand-in for dogs. That sparked lots of jokes about "majestic Thuvian weasel-dogs." We also managed to pull of the heist without anyone knowing we were there aside from my wayang bard who made friends with them. It was a job well done.

[Fromper]

Simeon wrote:

I was playing in a game of The Sun Orchid Scheme and our GM was using dire weasel minis as a stand-in for dogs. That sparked lots of jokes about "majestic Thuvian weasel-dogs." We also managed to pull of the heist without anyone knowing we were there aside from my wayang bard who made friends with them. It was a job well done.

I had a couple of good moments GMing that scenario multiple times at Gen Con.

In one group, there were two brawlers who used unarmed strikes as their main offense. When they were fighting the dogs, I started ragging on them for kicking puppies. It became a recurring joke for the rest of the session.

[phantom1592]

Alchemist's player trying out surgeon tools for the first time

Alchemist: Ok, how I do work these... are they like healers kit where I have to take off charges or uses of them?

Inquistor: Nope, they're just tools. They're like Lockpicks, but for people!

[Dire Elf]

During our last Star Wars session -

The Wookiee raged and climbed inside an AT-AT.
Pilot: "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."

Later, after the Wookiee single-handedly overpowered the commander and pilot and most of the troopers aboard -
Me: "You only need one boarder when your boarder is an enraged Wookiee."

The Jedi Force-grabbed the pilot of a chicken walker and sent him flying.
Droid: "I didn't know those things had ejector seats."

[Matthew Morris]

From Sunday's game.

One of the children that play lost her character, her mom as GMing.

Me: And the mother of the year award goes to...

Later the younger sister is lamenting that the older one is 'getting' to make a new character.

Me: So, tomorrow I should kill your character?
Her: I wasn't kidding!
Half the room: NEITHER IS HE!
(For the record, I didn't go out of my way to kill her character. I did try to make her 'go stand in the corner' with a suggestion but it didn't work.)

[IDTheftVictim]

Party rogue that knows nothing of magic to any arcane or divine caster when he needs something.
" Hey [character name], you're a magician right?"

[Taperat]

The other night in our Hell's Rebels game, our party's vigilante (in social persona) was trying to hold a door against incoming Chelish Citizen's Group thugs. They managed to wrench the door open, and he threw up his hands in surrender. "I'm unarmed!", he exclaimed. He then whipped out his bladed belt and skewered the first guy, shouting "just kidding!". Everybody died laughing.

[Rosgakori]

Giant bat bites my half-orc warpriest and flies off with her in it's maw. Ranger tries to shoot it down, fails. Bat flies 100 feet high, while the half-orc tries her best to make the bloody thing land. Ranger shoots again, this time critting and killing the thing...and bat plummets down with half-orc safely nested in it's mouth.

GM: Okay, what do you guys do when you see this?

Ranger: I salute it. *Raises hand to brow.*

[Curious]

We were playing a group of goblins
One of PCs: I can speak the human language
GM after a glance at the character sheet: Just to level set you know maybe two dozen simple human words.
PC: I know more human words than I can count!

[The Usual Suspect]

Damiel the pre-gen alchemist during Cosmic Captive at Gen Con, "Here, drink this. It's cherry flavored." Hands barbarian an infusion of cure light wounds.

Barbarian player looks at Damiel player, "It's what?"

Damiel, "Well I had to infuse it with something."

[Dire Elf]

Our party includes an alchemist with a tumor familiar named Cyst. This happened after Cyst did something during Sunday's session.

[Fighter]: "Cyst a-cyst-ed."

Later, the party members acquired some magic items that would allow a single individual to teleport to a specified location with a maximum weight limit of items. There were several items and each one was capable of transporting a different amount of weight. We were trying to decide who had the least gear and could take the items with lower weight limits. The party inquisitor has the Leadership feat. His cohort is a bard, who is also the inquisitor's wife.

[Oracle]: "How much weight does [Bard] carry?"
[Fighter]: "Well, she's always carrying [Inquisitor]."

[SmiloDan]

My half-elf "street smart" street urchin rogue rejoined the party after I had DMed it for a while.

"While I was gone, I earned the sobriquet The Knave of Knives. Sobriquet is Elvish for "Number Guard (nom de guerre)."

[dysartes]

I had to sucker-punch a Unicorn in a sci-fi game - and occasionally get to remind one of the PCs (who grew up in the facility, with her own pet Unicorn) about it...

---

As an aside, I can't believe no-one has linked the list of things Mr Welch is no longer allowed to do in an RPG yet. It isn't my creation, but if I ever get to play Shadowrun or Cyberpunk again, I may have a to-do list of the Black Ops ones...

[DungeonmasterCal]

During our game last night, the players went to an NPC priest over what to do to keep vampires at bay. One of the things was "Holding forth a holy symbol by someone with strong convictions". The Psionist in the party chirped up with, "I've never been convicted. Arrested, yes, but no convictions!"

[Goddity]

"Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a great first 5 minutes of the campaign. It's a shame we're all going to die".

[Deaths Adorable Apprentice]

I did one on accident. I had started my campaign back up and the party was in the market. They were trying to fine bags of holding and the dice roll was a 100 so they found a wagon that a Gnome had full of various magical containers. The wizard bought a bag and was happy. The druid got a custom item the enhances healing potions stored in it. Then it was the sorcerer's turn. She wanted a pretty bag. Something with flowers or a songbird on it. Preferably a type four. So I had the Gnome go back and yell out "I have a two with two birds on it" I was very confused why they all started laughing, at least at first.

There was one from years ago. We were trying to save some people stranded on a roof in a flooded area. The alchemist, who had the wings discovery, flew over to them and asked them to get in a bag of holding so he could fly them all back.
GM: "Roll a Diplomacy."
Alchemist: Sighs deeply after rolling, "Three."
GM: With a wide smile, "Well considering the noise, all they hear from the winged man is him screaming to GET IN THE BAG!"

We still reference that.

[Goddity]

"And then can I ride my lunar bovine into battle?"

[DungeonmasterCal]

During last night's game, going on the information we had, we thought we were going to be fighting a medusa. The party sorcerer thinks for a moment and says, "We really need a mirror just in case. Is there a narcissist in the group?"

[Dire Elf]

Pathfinder today:

Our party alchemist likes to dissect things. When a huge demon spider appeared in front of the party, the oracle asked, "Can I make a Perception check to see if [Alchemist] is salivating?"

We were trying to figure out if anyone had any teleportation device that could carry one person a long way away to convey a message.
[Fighter]: "I have a pathway pearl 7."
[Cleric]: "That's the weight limit, not the distance."
GM: "You could take yourself and one of your axes."
(The fighter uses a double-bladed +1 keen flaming axe.)

[John Napier 698]

Earlier this year, I was DMing a session at Tekkoshokon. One of the players decided that he wanted to wreck the abandoned buildings in a ruined city. I, playing an NPC, looked at the offending player and deadpanned "You're the reason why we can't have nice things."

[Ganegrei]

Had a wizard PC whose personality was a cross between the evil of Voldemort and the social awkwardness of Steve Urkel.

After getting 6th level spells he promptly shouted "Avada Kedavra," disintegrated the nearest enemy, and followed up with "Did I do that?"

We all laughed for five solid minutes.

[quibblemuch]

"What? I'm lawful efficient. It says so right on my character sheet. L. E."

[Eickler]

We're fighting our way through a Drow stronghold. The Drow have enslaved several elves and using diabolist rituals to summon a powerful entity. We make our way to the armory and, in traditional adventurer fashion, start looting it. While we're sifting through gear and potions, a patrol comes by and notices us. The patrol leader asks rhetorically why we're looting heir armory. My human sorcerer, the party leader, shouts back, "Because you're dicks!" The GM looks up at me from across the table and asks, "Did you just call them dicks?" I affirmed y characters retort and everyone starts rolling initiative as the party starts laughing.

[John Napier 698]

Eickler wrote:

We're fighting our way through a Drow stronghold. The Drow have enslaved several elves and using diabolist rituals to summon a powerful entity. We make our way to the armory and, in traditional adventurer fashion, start looting it. While we're sifting through gear and potions, a patrol comes by and notices us. The patrol leader asks rhetorically why we're looting heir armory. My human sorcerer, the party leader, shouts back, "Because you're dicks!" The GM looks up at me from across the table and asks, "Did you just call them dicks?" I affirmed y characters retort and everyone starts rolling initiative as the party starts laughing.

Good one! :)

[Grrr De'Bonaire]

Four legged foxform kitsune

"GORE IS THE MASCARA OF GORUM!"

[John Napier 698]

Grrr De'Bonaire wrote:

Four legged foxform kitsune

"GORE IS THE MASCARA OF GORUM!"

My, but you're a messy eater.

[John Napier 698]

Here's one from when I was posted in what was once West Germany, back in '89. The party (AD&D) managed to "finesse" its way into a noble's estate at part of a con. In one hall, there was a steel case with a window treated with the Glasssteel spell. Sitting inside the case were several large gemstones, some the size of a small fist.

The noble came up and remarked how those gems were in his family for generations. The party moved on except for the thief. The DM, in his typical dry, acerbic wit, said, "OK, the party moves on. With the exception of Nicolai, who continues to stare at the Family Jewels."

The entire room broke down laughing, until the CQ Sergeant stopped by and told us to "Keep it down."

[John Napier 698]

FuelDrop wrote:

we had a bunch of these last night. we were playing shadowrun and one of our contacts had just been kidnapped by the people-smugglers we'd been tracking, and they'd left a note saying 'go away or the girl gets it' or something to that effect.

now this contact had saved my character's life in his character history, and was a good friend reguardless. so naturally he gets rather cranky at the bad guys.
here's the rub. my character is crazy prepared, to the point where he has several LAW missile launchers and ammo burried around the city. which the GM wasn't exactly expecting (he'd okayed it earlier, but had obviously thought it was just fluff.) anyway, we track down the badguys and corner them in a building they'd fortified. i'm going in for a short-ranged assult, so i hand the LAW over to my buddy the sniper/mage.
The fight starts and it becomes clear that we can't get through the enemy's rediculous armour, to the point where one guy shrugged off full auto from our riggers drone... which was wielding a MINIGUN. so my buddy pulls out the LAW and fires. the missile kills the enemy sharpshooter and brings a section of the building down on the guy below, and i say it...

"Well, it looks like he fought the LAW, and the LAW won."

that did it. from then on everything we said about that rocket launcher was a pun. one enemy had a LAW of his own, but it got blown up by our mage when he hurled the guy into the ceiling. so someone said that he 'broke the LAW'. then another guy went down to a direct hit from a missile, and i said 'we're lucky we've got the LAW on our side'. we were tired of them by the end, but we had a ton of fun with bad puns on the way.

BTW i'm looking for something new to have stashed around the city so i can surprise everyone by breaking it out next time we cross the godzilla threashold. any suggestions?

Paint actual working howitzers, place them in a cemetery, and "bury" the shells in mausoleums.

[John Napier 698]

"No, you can't put confetti in the hand grenades."

[blood_kite]

"LSD is not an appropriate chemical to put in your splash grenade, even for your friend's rave."

[John Napier 698]

"No. They don't make silencers for machineguns."

[Goddity]

"I wish to apologize for all the damage I did to local property values."

[John Napier 698]

Goddity wrote:

"I wish to apologize for all the damage I did to local property values."

"Collateral Damage" is not a good nickname. :)

[Loren Pechtel]

John Napier 698 wrote:

"No. They don't make silencers for machineguns."

Except they do. "Silencers" don't care about the firing rate of the gun.

On the other hand, "silencers" don't make a shot anything like what Hollywood would have you believe, a "silenced" shot is still very loud, but it's below the level of causing hearing damage.

[John Napier 698]

Loren Pechtel wrote:

John Napier 698 wrote:

"No. They don't make silencers for machineguns."

Except they do. "Silencers" don't care about the firing rate of the gun.

On the other hand, "silencers" don't make a shot anything like what Hollywood would have you believe, a "silenced" shot is still very loud, but it's below the level of causing hearing damage.

I know that. This was something I heard at a Shadowrun session from a player who doesn't know.

[Dire Elf]

[Alchemist], describing something to another player who was absent last session: "Last time we found a 'rod of splendor', if you recall what that does."
[Fighter]: "It makes your coffee sweet without making you fat."
[Alchemist]: "That would be a 'rod of Splenda'."

The party alchemist as usual has 'countless eyes' active.
[Inquisitor], to [Alchemist]: "Try to get some shuteye eye eye eye eye eye."

[quibblemuch]

"Can anyone cast speak with dead?"

"Why?"

"I'm a stickler for procedure and we kicked their asses so fast we couldn't take their names."

[TriOmegaZero]

So I almost got through the room description safely, but my inner teenager came out as I described the statue of a dwarf strangling a snake.

[quibblemuch]

(CONTEXT: The GM had banned the create pit suite of spells.)

"I cast create sudden acceleration and deceleration negative Z axis landscape feature. And it's hungry..."

[Goddity]

"And now we kill the solar equine!"

[John Napier 698]

The cast of My Little Pony can't work today. They're a little hoarse.