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Skulls and Shackles, spoilerish,
the "shanking" in the bilge gets pacified with Colour Spray (Stun) and Sleep (for further reference) . Female attackers get gagged, tied up and secured over some barrels. Nothing much untoward happens.
The PC finishes the normal workload groaning loudly leaves bilge, looks at the instigating boatsswain witing at the trapdoor and loudly shouts "Thanks for that fun threesome", followed by a great Bluff DC.
NPC reputation ruined, whipping for the PC due to "indecent conduct" and a table shaking with laughter and tears.
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I'm running RotRL. The party is exploring a dungeon from chapter one and most of the doors are locked, so they have to pick the lock or the barbarian sunders it. So when they come to yet another door one of the players says, "Oh, great, more doors..."; at which I replied "One does not simply walk into more doors". That got some chuckles.
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This just happened on Sunday. Our party members were following some human tracks leading away from a worg den we'd just cleared. We feared the tracks represented were-worgs.
Player 1: "If he's a were-creature, how would we know?"
Player 2: "We should be a-were of it."
(Player 2 is my husband. See what I have to put up with?) ;)
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I hate to be a double-poster, but this thread reminded me that a few years ago I kept detailed notes of a campaign I was in, including funny things we said during the game. So here are a few examples.
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GM: "It has all the hallmarks of a summoned creature."
Player: "Aw, it's a Hallmark creature - for when you care enough to summon the very best."
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Player: "My paladin utters a short prayer to Elishar to heal this vessel and the dwarf gets 30 HP back."
GM: "And Elishar says this vessel is only a quarter full!" (The dwarf had over 120 HP - he'd lost about 80% in a bar fight)
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GM (to player of paladin): "You see no evil in this man."
Other player: "And no trans-fatty acids!"
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Player: "I cast Bigby's Interposing Paladin."
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GM: "The chanting you hear is in Abyssal."
Player: "Aw, I don't speak that. What about Goblin?"
GM: "No, that would be Abysmal."
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GM to player who failed a save: "You do nothing but babble incoherently."
Player: "Which makes you a GM!"
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Player: "He's got a scroll of atonement. It's a 'get out of guilt free' card."
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Player: "Sorry, the barbarian is in a rage right now, if you'd like to leave a message."
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Player: "Can we get a certificate of authenticity for this sword? Oh, darn, we took it out of the box!"
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Me, after failing a Will save: "I need a cloak of Will."
Another player: "Nah, everybody just fires at Will."
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GM: "You guys come in on round 3."
Player: "Do we have to?"
To be continued...
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Heh, reminds me of this weekend.
My dwarven inquisitor of Erastil using another PC's scroll of lesser restoration on him.
"Ol' Deadeye, if it be thy will, please heal this woman-"
"I'm a man."
"Really?" *sighs and starts over* "Ol' Deadeye, if it be thy will, please heal this man of his weakness, help him grow a beard, and find a woman to complete him in life, so he may find happiness. In your name, amen."
He also referred to goblins as 'elf kin." "They both have pointie ears, smile a lot, and can't grow beards. They've got to be related!"
Later, we're in a tough fight and I'm swinging the heavy pick. "Oh Erastil, we could use a natural 20 right now, followed up by a confirmation roll."
I roll the die, "Crap it's a 2, wait, no that's the natural 20!*"
Roll again, confirm the crit. Do like 25 points of damage.
Above wizard's player, "While his back is turned, I'm using prestidigitation to grow a beard." (Back in character) "Praise Erastil! It's a miracle!"
*
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So this isn't from PF per say, but from 3.5 D&D.
Party is a LN Cleric of Kalemvor, myself a LN Monk, a CN Ranger, and a CN Bard/Rogue.
We were looking into a yuan-ti cult of Asmodeus that was terrorizing a nearby village. At this point we're all around lvl 10 and have gained some fame/notoriety in the area for our deeds. We learn that the cult is aware of the presence of heroes who may try to thwart them, so they put out a bounty on us. From this information we hatch a grand scheme.
The ranger and bard (the two lesser known of our group, the monk and cleric pulled off some crazy stuff in our adventures) disguise themselves and bind the cleric's and mine hands with rope and march us into the old watchtower where the cult is, claiming they want half the bounty for half the adventuring party.
We are brought straight to the cult leader, a Yuan-Ti Abomination, who looks us over and laughs at our miserable situation. The ranger and bard/rogue have positioned themselves for the ambush, when the DM looks at me and as the abomination, says,
"So you 'brave' do-gooders, have you any last words?"
At this point in time I had recently acquired the Fiery Ki Fist feat (give up 1 or 2 stunning fist uses to set my hands on fire for X rounds) So I ignite my hands and burn the ropes. Readying to fight, I say:
"Just two.....roll initiative."
It was horribly out of character but the table lost it for a good ten minutes.
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The campaign I'm quoting from was a D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms game.
At one point we found a pyramid full of Egyptian-style mummies.
GM: "This creature, once human, is only lightly covered in burial wrappings."
Player: "It's casual Friday."
The party cleric's player was trying to determine whether the character was actually holding a weapon.
Cleric's player: "I probably had the wand out to heal the dwarf."
Other player: "But you might have had your mace in your other hand to pacify him first." (The dwarf was a barbarian/fighter with a short fuse.)
My husband, playing the party cleric: "It's been en-eviled. I'm an en-eviler."
Player of the dwarf barbarian/fighter: "I have an uncanny trap sense. Ow! There's one."
Paladin's player: "The skeleton can claw me."
Dwarf's player: "It's in their contract. It's a claws."
My elf 2-weapon fighter couldn't do any damage to some skeletons.
Dwarf's player: "You could pick up a femur and hit it with that. That'd be humerus."
We found a room in the pyramid that was full of chariots.
Elf wizard's player: "It's the Ben-Hur room."
Dwarf's player: "We've Ben-Hur. Let's go to the next room."
Cleric's player: "Everybody's Ben-Hur."
After leaving the pyramid, we boarded the solar barge of Re-Harakhty and traveled through the Twelve Hours of Night.
The GM set a mini on top of a salt shaker to show an NPC was flying.
GM: "She a-salts the ship."
Our paladin had acquired a follower, a lantern archon she called Sunshine.
Paladin's player: "If we're on the Plane of Positive Energy, Sunshine might know."
Cleric's player: "But are there any snakes on this plane?" (Snakes On A Plane had recently been released when this happened.)
Later:
GM: "You're in an extraplanar space."
Dwarf's player: "Good thing I brought extra snakes."
Among the crew of the solar barge were three celestial beings called Afu (Afoo), Hu (Hoo), and Saa (Sah).
Dwarf's player: "I remember who is Hu, but do I see Saa?"
Later, dwarf's player again, in a Mr. T voice: "I pity Afu."
The captain of the solar barge was called Kherp.
Wizard's player: "Does Captain Kherp have a phaser?"
Dwarf's player: "Is it set on sun?"
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Skull and Shackles : Player character ship and enemy merchant vessel utterly becalmed on the morning after a long "through the night" chase. No wind, no nothing. Both ships keep hurling stones until my PCs' group runs out of stones and start with rowing their cutter. The merchant, keeps on firing, hoping to cripple the pirate vessel, finally resorting to hurling wine-filled amphora with their onager, (heavy pottery, an amphora is^^). They start hitting the pirates with a couple of them, spilling "fluid red stuff" everywhere.
1st player : "What the He*l are they hurling at us ?"
2nd player (deadpan) . "Grapeshot !"
When plundering the selfsame merchant
3rd player :"There is no more wine aboard ?"
2nd player : "Oh Gods, we were beaten to the punch...."
Dealing with their fence, a longlegged, rabbit-eared tiefling (DON'T ask )
1st player : "Ahhh, there's the plunder bunny !"
Final battle (changed finale) against an avatar of Dagon
2nd player (uses Harrow, draws "the Fiend") : "Oh, this appears to be a Call from Cthulhu !"
3rd player : "We do NOT accept Calls from Cthulhu !"
2nd player : "F'taghn ?"
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We had a few good lines during our Pathfinder session on Sunday.
Our party has come into possession of a magical shovel that can dig a 5' pit each round. We found some dead lizardfolk and decided to bury them.
Player 1: "Digging (graves) is so much work."
Player 2: "It took all of 18 seconds."
Later we found more lizardfolk, still barely alive, with strange puncture marks on their bodies.
Player to GM: "How big are the punctures? Hummingbird size?"
GM: "Well, there are two of them, maybe like a stirge."
2nd player: "A double-beaked stirge? We should name a tavern 'The Double-Beaked Stirge'."
We took the injured lizardfolk back home to their island. The lizardfolk who transported us had boats with oars, but they didn't use the oars to propel the boats across the lake. They were moved by some unseen force.
Player 1: "I pick up the oars to help."
Player 2: "Everytime you row you hear someone (under the water) say 'Ow!'."
Player 1: "It's an ow!board motor."
Approaching the island, we smelled something appetizing cooking. One player asked, "Is it cake?"
Later a player served some brownies he'd brought to share with the group.
Another player exclaimed, "It wasn't cake (we smelled), it was brownies!"
A second player commented, "It took a long time to squeeze them (the brownies) all in."
The GM replied, "Better than squeezing a sprite to get a drink."
The GM, roleplaying the lizardfolk king, asked the party's dwarf alchemist, "Can dwarves hold their breath well?"
Alchemist: "We can. Have you ever been in a dwarven barracks? You need to be able to hold your breath."
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At the latest Pathfinder Society game in Baton Rogue: We come up on some "farmers" in the middle of a zombie-dog-plague, with a bunch of boils on their skin that we know come from the disease because my dog, me, and the Paladin caught it. We decide me and the Paladin are gonna talk to the farmers and try and see what they're up to. Everyone else hides.
Sorcerer: Rolls like, 16. Bard: High up there, maybe 19, 20 with modifiers. Monk: Pretty good, 15, 16.
Drunk Cleric: 4.
So the DM decides the Cleric is standing in the middle of the road covering his face with his hands and going "I'M HIDING HERE, GUYS, IF YOU LOSE ME." So me and the Paladin go up to the farmers, and the farmers are all like "Nope, there's no plague here. In fact, come a little closer, we can heal you." and all of us roll somewhat poorly on our sense motive checks, and the Cleric rolls like, a natural 20.
So he slowly lowers his hands and looks between each of us like he couldn't believe what was happening and then goes "Wait...that is BULL SH**T"
Probably the funniest part of a funny game
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We're playing Carrion Crown, and we've gotten about to the point where we need to talk to this high-muckety-muck vampire - but we don't know how to get to him. So, we hire a guide and go traipsing down to talk to this guy in the hopes of learning useful stuff about The Real Quest.
While we're on route, we get into a fight. My character (a tiefling witch - the group's healer) is hanging out in back with our guide, who happens to be a dhampyr. My character knows sod all about those. So, when he starts griping about wanting to help and not being able to because there was a narrow walk way and everybody was in the way, she tells him to fly over there - can't he do that?
In the course of answering that, he says; "No! I've got feet, like you do!"
Hooved tiefling looks down at hooves, looks up at him and says, totally deadpan: ... No, I don't.
There was a silence, and then the entire group cracked up.
Our guide later managed to get himself killed all the way dead, and, because he'd been helpful and stuff, she decides, with the party's blessings, to Reincarnate him.
Me, while rolling dice: So, let's see what we get on the Resurrection Roulette roll this time!
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Last session, our group of intrepid adventurers were wandering through the forest and encountered a band of gnomes who were exploring and mapping the area.
One player asked, "Is one of them named Tom-Tom?"
Later the GM, speaking as the leader of the gnomes, said, "I'll go in any hole I find. Well, they will," pointing to the other gnomes.
Player 1: "That's how we lost Tom-Tom."
Player 2: "He went down the hole... Recalculaaatiiinnng....!"
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Why am I the only one posting in this thread?
Oh well.
Pathfinder game: We have an inquisitor who tends to jump into combat and stay on the front lines, which means he gets hurt a lot. After this happened again on Sunday, the following exchange occurred.
GM: "(Inquisitor's name) is the party's meat shield."
Another player to the inquisitor's player: "You need to be more shieldy!"
Inquisitor's player: "I'm more of a meat buckler."
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"I'm more of a meat buckler."
Gotta remember that one...... great line!
(See, you're not the only one here... ;D)
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From Monday night's game:
"Pull pin, throw Cat God."
Later...
"So, it's like a cross between a Leopard and a Jaguar? What's that make it?"
"A Luger?"
"Yep. A Luger. Attack pattern claw/claw/bang."
Later still...
"If only we could permanently silence her musket."
"My god. Silent death. I'd just point the musket at things and they'd fall over. I'd be some kind of Hit Mime."
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The only one I can think involved a friendly argument between two players, which ended by a pair of very vulgar hand gestures by one player waved at the other player.
The GM commented thusly, "Dude, you just got double middle-fingered by a Quaker."
I think you kind of had to be there, but it did make the whole table laugh.
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I HAVE SPOKEN, MY WORD IS LAW!
Ended an arguement. Mr. Fishy wasn't even in the arguement and he still won.
Later a player served some brownies he'd brought to share with the group.
Another player exclaimed, "It wasn't cake (we smelled), it was brownies!"
A second player commented, "It took a long time to squeeze them (the brownies) all in."
The GM replied, "Better than squeezing a sprite to get a drink."
I had a high-level "Bad Guy Bar" in a HackMaster campaign 'back in the day' (3.0 era IIRC).
Within that bar they viewed a Death Knight order 'the Special'.
In this case, 'the Special' is pixie shots: pixie sprites in HackMaster terms, sprites in Pathfinder terms. Behind the bartender were a dozen cages, each with a pixie bound in agonizing cold iron chains suspended upside down, each in its own small cold iron cage.
The bartender set out three highball glasses, put on cold iron gauntlets and retrieved a pixie-sprite from a cage. Holding the pixie-sprite upside down above a highball, he wrenched the sorry buggers head clean off its neck and squeezed all of the innards out into a highball glass. Repeat twice more for 'the Special'.
Needless to say, the PCs beat a hasty retreat...
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Back in the days of Living Greyhawk, we had a group of halflings full table of six, adn we played them like hyperactive puppies trying to herd kittens. It was a blast. we ran into this mod where somehow we wandered into an evil mages attepmt to merge Greyhawk into some other plane or something (it was a decade or so ago the full details are fuzzy). Anyways, It was a gradual change and one of the things that was supposed to make us notice was that things got drearyier. Our Halflind druid was a muffin maker and when we met an npc inveritibly muffins we offered. In this mod we ran across the npc and learned the muffins didnt taste right. Which led the the discovery that other food tasted bland. Which led our halfling monk to suddenly lick my Paladin... adn then cry out. "you dont even taste like a halfling anymore." which led to us all licking ourselves and freaking out. Jaihlee's wail at learning we no longer tasted like halfling stopped the other tables to look at us and then laught when they discovered our distress about not tasteing like a proper Halfling should.
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As our party was investigating an old ruins we came across an iron maiden but opening it up revealed a portal with valley of bones as far as the eye could see. Being the cleric the GM told me to roll for religion and I landed a perfect 1.
"This is where Jesus was born!"
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Years ago in a D&D campaign, our party fell into a subterranean lair of beholders. Numerous eye puns ensued. But the line that still makes me laugh was this:
GM: "You notice a bad smell down here."
Player 1: "What do you suppose the beholders eat down here?"
Player 2: "Beans."
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Same player group, different campaign.
We met a group of people called the Shadow Knives.
Player, to her husband, who was GM of a different game: "Didn't you have some Shadow Knives in your campaign?"
Her husband: "Whisper Knives, Shadow Knives..."
Another player (singing): "Silent knives, holy knives..."
My husband, also singing: "All is calm, as per the spell..."
My bard had acquired a creepy fanboy: "Oh, great, I've got a stalker."
My husband: "At least it's not an invisible stalker."
Me: "With my Spot rolls, it might as well be."
GM: "The kidnapper's name is Wedswin T. Fordsworth. Go ahead and say it - his initials are WTF."
GM: "You think you planned for everything. Then the players show up."
Player: "Aw, it was a denial of service spell!"
GM: "The dragon appears and the room explodes!"
Player: "I'll have what he had for breakfast!"
GM: "The character can do that all day."
Player 1: "Unless he's taken underwears."
Me: "Boxers or briefs?"
Player 1: "Depends."
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Saturday gaming, party dealing with a snake swarm (I'm asking for fortitude saves because I'm an evil GM and no one asked if they were poisonous.)
Kyra: I'll use my wand of CLW and bop the paladin.
Me: You're surrounded by snakes and you want to bop the paladin... Are you sure you're not a cleric of Calistra?
We all laughed. Kyra's player had been missing due to RL issues, so it was nice to have her back.
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In order to keep someone distracted, the party's bard used Perform(Oratory) to Fascinate. It was wildly successful and kept the target--and a couple passersby enthralled. As the rest of the party went about their business, the action occasionally cut back to the bard, and his yarn.
These were some of the choice bits:
"Aunt Sally explained that falling in love was a fool's game as she showed me her scar."
"...leaving me, a boy of 5, mind you, holding the used goat bladder."
"I bet you didn't know lizardmen had two of them, did you?"
"Mad Ol' Hettie, well, she just grabbed my tongue, looked it over, and said I didn't need cleansing."
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Less a witty one liner and more one of those "Whaaaaa?" moments.
Our party was in what boils down to Agribah talking to a merchant contact in a ritzy bathhouse. We were undercover. The town guard comes in looking for the merchant, and we have to convince them that the merchant we're with is not the merchant they're looking for. My character is a Master-of-Disguise sort of Ninja with a high bluff score, so he starts making a scene and implying that there's a love triangle going on between himself, the merchant, and our party's cavalier. The cavalier plays along and we eventually convince the town guard to leave.
The Merchant looks over at the Cavalier (who is sitting next to him) and says "Wow. That was some impressive acting." The Cavalier looks at the merchant and with the air of quoting an ancient proverb says "well... the more you know a man, the easier it is to be gay with him."
There was a long pause as people tried to process this before the entire table broke down in a fit of hilarity. That phrase has since become a running gag. Given how bizare the quote is, it's been surprisingly easy to reference.
Kingmaker's very first session, Oleg's place. My character, a young, innocent, red haired, starry eyed 18 charisma female oracle of life - proud of her skills in craft alchemy and profession herbalist, and always willing to help people - to Oleg:
"Perhaps I could offer my services to pay for our staying?"
Oleg, rather coldly:
"Young lady, I'm happily married".
P.s.: Now he sits in the Council... and she's The Queen.
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(One player to another, while the group was debating whether to kill a very rare kind of *being* that had just attacked them)
"Do you know how many XP we could get by wiping out an entire species???"
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Wow! The Bionic Woman plays Pathfinder!
Wow! The Bionic Woman plays Pathfinder!
Yeah, I went there. :-D
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This game session was circa 1990, AD&D 1st Edition, homebrew campaign world.
The background (which is very convoluted) was that we had sprung a former enemy elf wizard from a prison in the Elven Kingdom (we needed his help to stop the End of the World), and were trying to sneak him out of the country. One of the PCs, also an elf, was on the "wanted" list too. (The other PCs were a human wizard, a dwarf fighter, and a halfling rogue (me).)
Anyway, we had gotten close to the border with the human kingdom, and had successfully eluded capture, but we were finally confronted by a squadron of elite Rangers... right next to a "Wanted" poster tacked to a tree that included very good likenesses of our priestess and the fugitive wizard! Of course, we're good guys, and don't want to hurt members of the Elven military. We were tensing up for a major moral quandary: Do we fight other good guys to serve a greater good? The tone got suddenly very serious.
The DM told us to roll initiaitve, and our wizard got to go first. The player of our wizard frantically scanned his character sheet, but then stopped, and got a very big grin. "I cast suggestion at the leader of the rangers." The DM rolls a saving throw, and tells us that the guard failed.
Wizard: "These are not the elves you're looking for."
DM: [Brief puzzled look, but then a big grin. In a monotonous voice] "These are not the elves we're looking for."
Wizard: "We can go about our business."
DM: "You can go about your business."
Wizard: "Move along."
DM: "Move along... move along." and he waved us through.
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Little inappropriate, so spoiler
One of my players has to leave earlier than the rest so we have a house rule that I can not kill PCs unless they are at the table, he plays an elven ninja lass with a hidden crush on one of the other PCs
Player: Well that happens, was it Durstin?
Group: No, -9.
Player: oh...
My group is so immature somedays.
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I was the DM in this particular instance. The PCs had to traipse through a troubled Elven kingdom that was in turmoil, dealing with revolutionary insurgents who had taken up residence in the very heart of the deepest forest in the realm. The Elven guide who led them to the edge of the forest, before leaving them, told them to be watchful for the guerrillas in the Mistwood.
Well played gentlemen, very well played!
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In one of the adventures involving the Ho-Jin Tapestry:
As he finishes his speech he stops, puzzled, "Wasn't there supposed to be a unit of six agents here, not five? I could have sworn there'd be--"
At this point the sixth character arrives. The character comes in, "Hey guys, I was looking for treasure and I found this kitty behind my house. Can I keep him pleeease? Pretty please?"
The entirety of the scribes and the Venture Captain look at him in horror, he was holding a skunk.
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Going through some old game notes...
GM: "You guys kill me."
Player: "Well, we try, but you keep ambushing us."
GM: "So you'll trust the bloodthirsty goblins but not the harpies. You guys kill me."
Player: "We kill you? How much XP do we get?"
GM: "Well I'm not a very good GM so my CR must be pretty low."
Player: "Everyone's got a role in the party. Mine is to roll ones."
GM: "As you look around, you see other shelves on the mountainsides."
Player 1: "Great, we're on a display shelf!"
GM: "It's a diorama."
Me: "A dire-rama?"
Me: "I don't want to see harpies dancing."
Other player: "It's better than listening to them sing."
Player 1: "I'm going to spell and run."
Player 2: "What are you going to spell?"
Player 1: "Fireball."
GM: "Something emerges out of the shadows."
Player 1: "I hate those guys."
Player 2: "What the he** is that?"
Player 1: "One of those guys I hate."
On one occasion we were trying to figure out what to send to someone via a 'message' spell. These were some of the suggestions.
"The trip's been easy so far."
"There's a great price on shoes here."
"That sandwich I had for lunch was delicious."
"Stay away from power lines."
"Oh my gawd, what the he** is that?!!"
"Aaaaarrrgggghhh....!"
"Our party leader is insane, my job is impossible."
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Player: God! We're doomed! Look at all those tentacles!
GM: To be clear, the butler only has two tentacles.
Player: Oh. Well then, we're fine.
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Player 1: What sort of bonus do we get to healing surges when resting from her?
GM: +4, but she has to sing you a song.
Me: What song?
PLayer 2: Cars, by Gary Numan
Me: What's a car?
GM: He meant carts.
GM: 'Here in my Cart'. Now *sing*!
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This was an Eberron campaign, using a few DM additions.
DM: As your airship emerges from the clouds, standing erect before you is...
Me: Aw crap! Titan, right?
Fighter: At least it's not the Tarrasque again!
Me: I said I was sorry!
Cleric: We'll fight about how often Mr. Wizard dooms the world later... I'm ready to start buffing.
Fighter: I grab my bow...
Rogue: I'll pilot the airship!
Me: Spells ready!
Cleric: Okay, we'll start by...
DM: It's a lighthouse.
Awkward silence.
Rogue: RAMMING SPEED!
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Me: That was left-handed.
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MagusJanus: Sounds like something that happened in the Skull & Shackles-esque game I was playing in...
Context: We are Playing Shadowrun 5E. We are a primarily Human group with a Token Elf Face and my British Elf Street Samurai. We reach the "Boss" for this particular run. It is a Troll rocking a Panther XXL Assault Cannon...
Elf Face: "My what a big gun you have..."
Troll: "All the better to blow you up with."
My Street Samurai: "Really? Cause it just looks like your over compensating for something... Did your dangly bits not grow alongside your ugly face when you Goblinized?"
Troll: "Why you!" Fires and misses me with a Critical Glitch critically wounding himself.
Myself: Picks up the Assault Cannon. "Well it might be a good thing they didn't cause you seem to be horrible at handling heavy artillery. Shall I show you how it is done, ole chap?"
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Our party in a Pathfinder Vikings game follows a white stag to an ancient tree at the urging of our ranger, where we encounter three women. They start monologuing about how humans always cause environmental destruction and religious change and so on. It is clear they are going to be hostile in just a second. The ranger cuts in with "Is there someone else we can talk to?"
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One of the players is playing a Viking, and is cursed. Coming to a small town, they asked around to see if anybody was capable of removing it.
Me: There is a cleric in town, but he's not licensed for curse removal.
Player #1: I guess they have to be in my network?
Me: What's your insurance?
Player #2 (the Viking): Ulfenshield.
That stopped us for a bit.