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"I didn't Gnome there were so many ways out of this library."
Yeah, you had to be there, but it lead to a slew of others in its vein:
"How did we not Gnome about this earlier?"
"Gnomebody Gnomes the troubles I've seen..."
(All of these made worse by the fact that our hard-punning Gnome PC player was absent on Monday.)
S&%&ty way to die, but I'm sure the DM will set up an adventure now so the Player's next character along with the group will track down this villain and avenge him. Could make for a good storyline and reoccurring bad guy.
Long story short, one PC failed three Perception checks and the Fort save on a coup de grace and died. The PCs managed to kill each of the other three assassins (including by throwing one assassin out of a fourth-floor window), but then discovered that their friend was dead and his assassin had escaped.
Between the aforementioned fight with the Aspis agent that triggered the hit squad and that encounter, I made sure that the PCs recoved a single-use raise dead item. They used it on the dead PC that night.
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Jemstone - my players do the exact same thing with gnolls... I told them I was getting weary of it, and the fighter quipped back "Gee, I had gnoll idea it bothered you so much..."
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Co-player (to me): "I tickle you." *rolls natural 20* "HA! I crit!"
Me: "Would you call that a... crit-tickle?"
Oh Gawds, that's horrid.
Well done!! ;D
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So we had our first Carrion Crown session in about a month and a half.
In spoilers because it relies on certain encounter details. It made me chuckle for quite a bit, though that may just have to do with my position (i.e. running, not playing).
They are in Schloss Caromarc. It's unlikely.
So they end up in the room with the stuffed animal corpses, and I tell them they hear a thumping noise from one of them.
"I open it, maybe there's something usable in there.", he says.
"Oookay. 3 flying heads pop out and scream at you."
"Dammit, maybe next time."
So they go to another room, with 3 jars sitting on the floor.
"Hmm. I open the one on the far left."
"Therein lies a head. Everyone make a Will save"
Two of the party are shaken by the Hag's frightening appearance.
"Oh. Well maybe the one on the far right?"
"You start choking." (Meanwhile the Barbarian shrunk, the Eidolon was melting, the Summoner's bow turned into a snake and he ran away from it like a little girl, and the Cleric looked at them all like they were crazy and backed away slowly.)
"Oh. Well that's no good."
Soon after, the cloud dissipated and they figured out they had been hallucinating.
"Seems we found the one with LSD in it. That's...kinda good I guess?"
He paused for a moment to think about it.
"Well the third one HAS to be better, right?"
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Rolled up a Yeti as a random encounter for my real life group in the first area of Snows of Summer. Yeti drops Wizard and Monk with one cleave to -11 hp... 1 hp till pure death.
I have the Yeti start dragging the wizard away (I didn't want to TPK) and the other party members were paralyzed from the frightening gaze.
I look at the Wizard player and say, "You're about to get Luke Skywalkered...only without the Force."
Co-player (to me): "I tickle you." *rolls natural 20* "HA! I crit!"
Me: "Would you call that a... crit-tickle?"
Oh Gawds, that's horrid.
Well done!! ;D
And by "horrid" Fitzwalrus means "stellar." :-D
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I guess it was just one of those evenings for snarky and stupid comments...
Prior to the game, in a stationery shop (I think that's the correct word - I mean a store where you can buy pens and paper and stuff).
"Hi, what are you looking for?"
"I'm looking for a whiteboard marker."
"Gee, I don't know if we have any of those left - what do you need it for?"
*deadpan* "A whiteboard."
My friend later said that he was lucky not to be the one who was asked since he would've been unable to answer at all. He had to completly focus on retaining his laughter. (To be fair to the salesman - it was only minutes before closing time, so I guess he was just exhausted ;) )
Okay, comments from the game itself!
Archaeologist player to the paladin player: "I read your post in our group. Did you notice you always describe yourself as shining, glorious, brave...it's like reading a Dragonforce songtext!"
___
Our Pharasma cleric had a vision in his sleep. Later that day...
Paladin: "I also dreamt of Sarenrae; I felt her touch in my sleep!"
Archaeologist: "Show me on the puppet where the deity touched you."
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There are occasions when it is impossible to prevent an answer sounding sarcastic!
Once in my casino a young lady had knocked her pile of chips over and asked me, 'How many of these make twenty?'
On board a cruise liner, an older couple stood at the bottom of a flight of stairs and asked my friend, 'Do these stairs go up?'
Later on the same cruise, a couple were admiring the ice sculptures near the free buffet. It was obvious that they wanted one, so they asked, 'What do you do with these ice sculptures once they've melted?'
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There are occasions when it is impossible to prevent an answer sounding sarcastic!
Once in my casino a young lady had knocked her pile of chips over and asked me, 'How many of these make twenty?'
On board a cruise liner, an older couple stood at the bottom of a flight of stairs and asked my friend, 'Do these stairs go up?'
Later on the same cruise, a couple were admiring the ice sculptures near the free buffet. It was obvious that they wanted one, so they asked, 'What do you do with these ice sculptures once they've melted?'
O.o,,,,,
Just .... just ... how hammered were these people?
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My second session of D&D ever. I'm playing a half-elf rogue, my then girlfriend-now-wife was playing a elven sorcerer, and our friend was playing a cleric, well on his way to becoming an ex-cleric by repeatedly breaking the tenants of his faith. Or trying to rather, the only thing he ever really did was stay constantly drunk and try and pick up women who fled after the first sentence came out of his mouth.
Anyways, we get hired by this guy to go and talk to his son and try and convert him back to his faith, the same faith as the cleric. The kid has been hanging out with some sort of cult, that doesn't really keep a secret about where they live. Its in some old house on the other side of town. So we go over there, and it looks deserted, no lights, no sounds coming from inside the house, nothing. Me and the sorcerer stand in the street discussing what to do, and the cleric goes up, knocks on the door and shouts:
"HELLO!!! I'M HERE TO CONVERT YOU!!!"
At this we all crack up for like 5 minutes. The end result is the shutters on the house fly open, and the door is swung open as well. Crossbow bolts fly out of the house. My character gets hit in the shoulder and drops to 3 HP, the sorceress is hit in the neck and is dying at -4 HP, but the bloody cleric who caused the whole mess doesn't get hit, and runs away.
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Some of the friends of the party have been kidnapped by pirates, so we all sail over to the pirate stronghold to get them back. All of our contacts warned us to be discreet, so the moment we get there, I say:
"Alright guys, just like we rehearsed: WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS TOOK OUR FRIENDS?"
It was, sadly, only in jest, but it did crack everybody up.
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There are occasions when it is impossible to prevent an answer sounding sarcastic!
Once in my casino a young lady had knocked her pile of chips over and asked me, 'How many of these make twenty?'
On board a cruise liner, an older couple stood at the bottom of a flight of stairs and asked my friend, 'Do these stairs go up?'
Later on the same cruise, a couple were admiring the ice sculptures near the free buffet. It was obvious that they wanted one, so they asked, 'What do you do with these ice sculptures once they've melted?'
O.o,,,,,
Just .... just ... how hammered were these people?
No, no excuse....
The problem is, what can I say that doesn't sound sarcastic?
A friend of mine to a Innkeeper we just discovered had his husband brutally murdered. She was being really awkward, not knowing what to say, then she said:
"Well... uhm... Condolescence and have a nice day."
Then proceded to walk out of the door.
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There are occasions when it is impossible to prevent an answer sounding sarcastic!
Once in my casino a young lady had knocked her pile of chips over and asked me, 'How many of these make twenty?'
On board a cruise liner, an older couple stood at the bottom of a flight of stairs and asked my friend, 'Do these stairs go up?'
Later on the same cruise, a couple were admiring the ice sculptures near the free buffet. It was obvious that they wanted one, so they asked, 'What do you do with these ice sculptures once they've melted?'
O.o,,,,,
Just .... just ... how hammered were these people?
No, no excuse....
The problem is, what can I say that doesn't sound sarcastic?
Hrm ... "two tens" / "yes" / "pour them back into the mold" ... okay, on the ice sculpture one, I cannot think of a non-sarcastic answer.
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okay, on the ice sculpture one, I cannot think of a non-sarcastic answer.
"We put them in the seltzer bottles to make fizzy drinks, but you have to tip your waitress or bartender $5 extra and ask for the extra artistic version of the drink."
If you get the tone right and have the wait staff/bartenders in on it, at least they probably won't detect the sarcasm.
I was introducing my wife to being a gm, so during a one shot homebrew with a friend, I was playing a basic dwarven fighter in full plate with a heavy shield. All night I was rolling horribly. One roll was for a stealth check and basically my fighter stood in the middle of the road hiding behind his shield saying "you don't see me". But later on was even better. We were sneaking up on a pirate camp that was nestled up against a tall sand dune...
I rolled a 1 on my stealth check and ended up rolling down the hill...the pirates in the tent at the bottom of the hill, one rolled a 20 on perception, the other just made the roll.
Pirate 1: Did you hear that?
Pirate 2: Ya it sounds like a dwarf rolling down heal in full plate mail
pirate 1: How do you know that?!?!?!
Pirate 2: Don't ask....
Somehow I still lived from that campaign...although I only hit one thing the entire night.
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In a 3.5 game a few years ago, one of the players took a week off to go on vacation. When he returned he asked us to give him the details on what happened while he was out.
Me: We disentigrated the princess.
Returning Player: What the *bleep*?
Other Player: It's cool, she was a vampire.
Returning Player: Huh? When did we learn that?
Me: When she disentigrated.
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So we come across a head/jar thing.
Jarhead: "Ask me any question, and I will answer truthfully."
About 3 party members talking in unison: "When are you not a door?"
You can feel the GM scowling at us over the internet.
Jarhead: "...When I'm a jar."
We giggled for about 5 minutes at the extremely lame pun coming from this obviously serious character. It was completely worth the fact that it turned into a hezrou and tried to kill us after answering.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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From a scenario Saturday where the first encounter had baleful polymorph in error, and one of the PCs was turned into a chicken.
"Oh crap, she can do that at will?"
"This is going to turn into a TPK!"
"No, it's going to be a KFC."
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Not so much a one-liner but still had the group laughing.
This happened in the beginning of Trial of the Beast after the party had just arrived in Lepidstadt. A new player had joined the group and I was about to introduce his character, a human cleric.
With the rather "restive" atmosphere of the city I had introduced a woman with a cart making and selling caramel apples as a target of a hopefully humorous encounter with the goblin sorcerer in our party. The goblin sorcerer, through successful stealth and climb checks had climbed onto the cart without the woman knowing. Once she realized he was there he asked if he could float his toy wooden boat in the caramel. She proceeded to pour caramel on his head.
Our little hero, after leaping off the cart, then took a jar of flies he had and proceeded to dump it on his head. It was at this point that I decided to have the new player meet the party. Here is the exchange, word for word between the players (who both were very serious):
Cleric: Why do you have flies on your head?
Goblin: Because they're not in the jar.
Cleric: Why aren't they in the jar?
Goblin: Because they're on my head.
It was at this point that the group lost it. It is even funnier, at least to our group, when you realize the player of the goblin is a big man who spoke in his normal voice and you picture that deep voice coming out of a goblin.
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To further add to the funny moments our goblin player has added to the party, even before the incident with the cleric and jar of flies, back in The Haunting of Harrowstone the party was checking out the town. The player of the goblin had mentioned that he wanted to buy a galley at some point. So he goes to the pawn shop and as the owners are glaring at him and ask him what he wants he asks if they have a galley for sale. I knew this was coming as the player had indicated his goblin wanted to buy a galley. Well I had the owners be so flustered by the request that they kicked him out and told him to go check with the blacksmith. So the goblin wanders over to the black smith and as she asks him what he wants he says, "Do you have any ladders?" Totally caught both me and the other players off-guard.
And then there's the kite. I had given his character a kite for free, among other strange items, including a toy galley that was covered in graffiti (and was why he wanted a real one) and the jar of flies, because I thought it would be funny to have a goblin with a kite. During one night in Ravengro the goblin decided to go fly his kite. The player then announced that he was going to cast Spark on the kite string. I ruled that he burned the string and the kite flew away. The next day, while the party was talking with the sheriff, the goblin says, in a serious tone, "Someone stole my kite." We all couldn't help but chuckle. It was funnier when, a few days later, he asked the sheriff if he found his kite. It has since become an re-occurring thing with him - whenever he encounters someone in the law enforcement business for the first time, whether it be a sheriff, town guard, or judge, the first thing he says is "Someone stole my kite."
That goblin has been the source for much amusement among the group and none of it has been disruptive. He has has become the party's unofficial mascot.
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Woe betide whomever strikes down the goblin. :)
Yup, especially after events in Trial of the Beast. He's got a flesh golem barbarian as a friend and a cult of goblin followers (currently at 3 members).
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I don't think we've had a session without someone cracking some joke that put the whole table into tears. I'll share some here that I hope will give people a chuckle.
-A homebrew campaign set on Golarion. Through a series of events, Rovagug was released from his prison and we had to help fight. Each time we hit him he would laugh. Despite thinking we'd all die, we couldn't keep a straight face when one of the players spouted out that it was "Tickle-me Rovagug".
-My strix inquisitor in Curse of the Crimson Throne has a small joy in scaring people. Earlier in the first session she jumped on a table and I rolled very well for her intimidate check. Then later on she had another opportunity to scare someone by jumping on a table. Unfortunately I rolled a one for her acrobatics on the not-so-sturdy table. Needless to say, my intimidate check was null and void due to the undignified sliding off the desk and falling in a poof of feathers.
- A fun event in Carrion Crown
- In the Carrion Crown campaign I stuck Carrion Hill into the line up. There were necrotic trees in one part of the module and the Paladin was contemplating them. Out of character, the player said the Paladin was contemplating what would happen if a paladin peed on a necrotic tree, would it be considered holy water? All the funnier when we learned that the paladin "human" was actually an aasimar later on in the campaign.
-Carrion Crown Illmarsh
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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A couple from one Beginner's Box table with 7 people this weekend.
Ezren player after reading his background and seeing the goblins swarm Harsk. He asked to borrow my cane and yelled, "Get off of my dwarf!" While shaking the cane like a cranky old man. We decided that was Ezren's battle cry. "Get off my LAWN!"
Later, same game, after explaining how Wizards do book learning and Sorcerers cast on instinct.
DM: Knowledge Arcana?
Seoni: I don't have it.
Ezren: I do *beat* Because I went to SCHOOL!.
Later, when they're trying to figure out how to climb the cliff and Ezren notices his climb skill of 0.
Me: Oh no, I just have the image of researching a new spell, Ezren's reliable chair lift. *makes buzzing noise while sliding up and sideways in my chair.*
Not a fummy one liner, but a funny moment. PArty sneaks up on the watch goblin, I give them a surprise round. 7 ranged attacks, 7 misses. So I say the goblin is so distracted by the thing on his finger, he didn't even notice that. Another round, another 7 missed attacks. Finally they close to meele.
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Here are several I saved from sessions a few years back.
“See what a bunch of spells and blind panic can accomplish?”—Dave B.
Quote of the night, D&D Game 02/23/07.
“My eyebrows are with our friend in heaven.”—Dave. B.
Quote of the night, D&D Game 03/10/07
“… We could just stop thinking and blunder ahead blindly…”—Dave B.
Quote of the night, D&D Game 03/17/07
“He’s upside down in total darkness. Anything goes at this point.”
Quote of the night, D&D Game 04/14/07—Dave B.
“Make sure he gets a good night sleep so he’ll be fresh for skullduggery in the morning…”—Dave B.
Quote of the night, Call of Cthulhu Game 05/19/07
“These two clerics, to whom I owe money, I am sending forth on this very dangerous mission”. --Keith
06/02/07
“That was the most effeminate murder I’ve ever seen.” --Dave B.
06/02/07
“We must trust that all of Mithras’s creatures will come in peace until we kill them.”—Dave B.
8/4/07
“… I was bitten by a radioactive Jesus…”—Keith, on being asked why he played a Cleric.
10/13/07
“All you know and love is laid waste. Now for the wacky cartoon hijinks.”—Dave. B.
11/10/07
“I didn’t know destiny was gonna hurt so much!”--Keith
11/10/07
“Kickin’ evil in the jimmy since 1947.”--Rod
12/01/07
“I swear I’ll be passing ozone for a week!”—Dave B.
5/14/11
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A PC hears the sound of a whip cracking in his mind.
Player says to the aforementioned PC's player: "That's your wife, isn't it."
Laughter ensues.
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Not a one liner, but...
In an adventure with an old group, I played a blind Gnome sorcerer who had minor clairvoyance to sense obstacles within a 4ft radius.
The party was walking through some thick overgrowth when the GM handed me a note that I had tripped and fallen behind a little and to not speak to the party. He then pointed out to the group that nobody was keeping an eye on my Gnome and told the ranger, who had been hacking away at the plants to clear a path, to roll a D20.
Ranger rolls a 1, followed by a 19.
Quickly followed by our GM putting on a look of horror.
GM - "The sounds of nature fall silent as you raise your sword from the entangled undergrowth, you glance down at your sword and notice the crimson red now running off the tip of the blade." (something around those lines)
Everyone suddenly went a little sheepish and looks at each other and then at me.
Ranger - "Oh God, oh God... please don't let that be the Gnome... I'm so sorry!"
Everyone looks at me patiently as I read a second note handed by the GM.
Me - "Thanks for waiting guys; say, has anyone seen my familiar?"
The look of relief on the group's faces was priceless.
The ranger never owned up to killing my familiar in that adventure.
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My favourite one liner in an adventure would have to be from our GM where one of the player's character was a master of the elements who had to pray to his Goddess to use his power.
Player - "I call upon you my Goddess, grant me your powers over the elements: Earth, Fire Wind and Water!"
GM - "Heart!" [short pause] "With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
The whole group struggled to keep a straight face whenever he went to use his spells for the rest of the day after that.
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This happened in my savage tide campaign. The group is trying to free Shami-Amourae from the wells of darkness and has already acquired the key from Ahazu (a book of infinite spells).
The wizards goes on to tell Shami that she will be freed, saying:
I have the key which fits your lock!
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Playing Arkham Horror, had a few.
My character (A gunslinging private investigator) was in some sort of Outer Realm, when another character (A professor) gave me a bless.
Me: What the...do I hear someone praying for me? It sounds like my uncle professor...
From then on, he was referred to as Uncle Professor.
Another, have come out of the portal to be met by a Flame Vampire, which is immune to physical damage (In essence, making it an invincible when I fought it), so I used some borrowed Holy Water to destroyu it.
Me: Dude! You're on fire! Hold still, I have water! (Wins the combat)
I hold him down and pour the holy water on him
Me: What the (Reads) Holy Water...so it was a...ohhhhh...
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just thought of this.
i was playing a half dragon/half giant barbarian in my friends campaign. We were investigating a murder, and had stopped at an inn of ill repute. We were standing around talking to people when the innkeeper begins to berate us for not buying anything. I throw some coin at the guy to shut him up. He leaves, and a few moments later he returns with some friends. Since i was the tallest, he begins to harrass me about my disruption of his customers, how uncomfortable this was making them, and so on. I knew where this was going so i just smiled at the innkeeper and then punched him in the face, just to shut him up.
*rolls dice* comes up nat 20.
*rolls again* comes up nat 20
DMHouse rules, roll again (house rule was three nat 20s its auto death)
*roll* nat 20.
DMwow...you killed the innkeeper. Why did you do that?
me Well, you have to prod the suspect for answers.
much laughter follows.
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Impromptu one from the other night:
The PCs save an NPC chef from a group of baddies beating on him. The group asks him what's going on and where are they (they arrived here through a portal and are confused as to what exactly happened), and I have him talk a bit funny because he is still a bit dazed saying, "What you mean, where you are?" One of my players says something vaguely Chinese/Japanese sounding (I don't speak either) and bows slightly. I run with it and go into my City Wok Guy from South Park impression to portray the character. Laughter ensues.
Well, while her hubbie was running a dwarf, she was running a gnome. Said gnome was plunked down atop a hayloft inside of a barn, while the dwarf was checking out a large hole in the barn's floor.
As DM, I said, "Looks like it's a full moon tonight..."
She busted out laughing so hard she turned bright pink!
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I have a husband/wife team in my game (real life) and she got so frustrated at him telling her what to do with her character that she turned to him and shouted--in the FLGS, mind you--"Shut up or I'll punch you in the taint!"
Raucous laughter and juvenile comments followed for the next 10 minutes.
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group enters the lair of a pack of fire breathing wyverns, with the "parents" off hunting, and baby Wyvern happily munching on some unidentifiable goblin
Bard (who is a pretty hardcore player most other times, gets gleaming eyes ): "Kawaii !!!" (japanese for very cute..yeah, she has been struck by too many animes)
and starts to stroke the little (dog sized) wyvern. Overly fond of cute reptiles, someone is....
Baby Wyvern sigh's contently (cute sound effect by the GM ) and breathes a searing gout of flame at the bard, setting her very much on fire.
Rest of the group (synchronously) : "KAWAIIII !!!"
"Kawaii !" has since entered our permanent repertoire of assessing something that does look "too cute" to be harmless^^
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Npc:" Oh great, the tyrannosaur has swallowed the artifact . How the hell are we going to get it now ?"
Jef: "Rex-lax"
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Playing Vampire: The Masquerade as part of an 80s rock band. We're being harassed by a guy named Axle.
Me: Let's change history.
Earlier, upon hearing this was a mature game, a parent (with his 13 year old son) asking how mature.
DM: "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll."
Kid: Wooo!!!
When we were given our choice of drug blood, one of us went for LSD, the drummer went for alcohol, myself I can't remember, and we came to the kid.
DM; You have no idea what to-
Kid(Cutting him off.) Shrooms all the way baby!
One of our guys went into a frenzy with Axle, and our drummer went up, injected Axle with heroin, and beat Tyler (frenzy) with a magazine.
Drummer:"Bad Tyler! Bad!"
So now Tyler was on LSD and Heroin, I was hopped up on something equally nasty, and the kid was on shrooms.
Drummer: I'm the designated drinker."
Which he immediately negated by biting a random passerby and getting hopped up on coke.
We were attacked by punks outside our bus and instead of fighting as we should, we ran for the bus. We then caused a huge ruckus, destroying thousands of dollars of property. Then a new player came in (as the bass)and talked to our manager.
Bass: Um..Nigel...there's...our bus.
GM: Okay you're on pot! I can tell by how you're acting!
At the end of the adventure, we faked our deaths and came out as the new band Twilight. Our outfits are as follows.
Singer: Classic dark 80s makeup.
Me: Biker get up with A heart on the back. A realistic one.
Kid: skintight spandex covered in rhinestones.
Drummer: A pink wig and covered in Hello Kitty stickers.
Bass: Covered in body glitter.
Then there was PFS, where my monk went into a mysterious pit filed with trash...and got sick.
Later on, it was said I should join Dumpster Divers Anonymous.
Then, in another Vampire (Spoof of Buffy) There was a slam poetry slam. One guy took this serious poem and absolutely BUTCHERED it.
"I am Luficer...
Princess of Darkness."
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Playing shadowrun, I'm playing a hacker.
Group is pinned down inside a store front by a well armed gang.
I hack into the computer of the car they left out the front and reverse it up. Just before the car slams through the front of the store and kills them I yell out "hey a**holes you left your lights on".