RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon
Aura moderate evocation; CL 10th
Slot --; Price 27,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon is an iron sphere 4 inches in diameter. The possessor gains resistance to electricity 5.
As a move action, the possessor can tap the iron bands. The sphere breaks apart into metal bands that expand to completely surround the possessor and provide an aura of electricity. Creatures within 5 feet take 1d6 points of electricity damage when activated and then at the beginning of the possessor’s turn. The possessor can use this ability for up to ten rounds a day and the use does not have to be consecutive. Another move action tap return the bands to a sphere.
Once a day as a standard action, if the possessor is surrounded by the bands, he can transform himself, his gear, and a carried familiar into a living bolt of lightning extending from his space in a line 5-foot-wide and 30-foot-long. The bolt inflicts 5d6 points (or 5d10 points if created outdoors in precipitation or a storm) of electricity damage (Reflex DC 16 for half and spell resistance applies). The possessor appears at the end of the line (or in the nearest unoccupied space in the line) after the attack.
If the bolt does not overcome the spell resistance of a creature, the attack and the possessor’s movement stop. He appears in the nearest unoccupied square in the line. The iron bands return to a sphere, and the possessor takes 2d6 (or 2d10 as above) points of electricity damage (Fortitude DC 16 save negates, spell resistance applies, and damage is reduced by the item’s electricity resistance).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, elemental aura, elemental body I; Cost 13,500 gp
Pretty cool. I really like this one. There's a lot going on with the electricity resistance, electric aura, and lightning bolt that carries you with it. But that's more than just SAK design. It's good thematic use of the various powers and it does more than just the spell effects in the construction requirements. Also, really good attention to detail on using the provided template.
Good idea.
Great execution.
Well-named item.
This is what RPG Superstar is about.
This is a designer I want to see in the competition.
Resounding vote to Keep on my part.
Concur with Neil.
One thing we might want to suggest to Designers in the future is that they avoid language like "nearest unoccupied square". There's lots of clever people who will figure out a way to make THAT the real use of the item. These things should all probably default to "the original square" instead.
RyanD
My normal quibble: activating this shouldn't be a move action. Almost all magic items that require you to spend an action to activate them are a standard action, because that forces you to make hard choices about what one cool thing you're going to do on your turn (attack, cast a spell, use an item, etc.).
Other than that,
Keep!
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16, 2010 Top 4
aka Alexander MacLeod
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Ah, ride the lightning, my old friend! It is good to see you again!
But, why in a form drawing on the iron bands of binding? Can the user move around in this hamster wheel? Does the metal surrounding him offer a bonus to AC, grant concealment, or the like?
And I really want to gripe about the dragony part of the name, as there isn't really anything dragony about the item. Behirs, stormclouds, thunderbirds...
Alex and I are thinking alike here. There is nothing ‘blue dragon’ about this. I’d like something visual, like that it transforms my skin into blue metal scales. The ‘metal bands that expand to completely surround the possessor’ don’t protect me at all either. You have used the electricity theme here and each ability is nice. I can see why you made activating the first ability a move action, so that you can do it and the second action in one round.
I would prefer a slotted version so that you have to wear it, as all of the abilities are personal effects. This would also make it cheaper and make me more likely to buy it as a PC. At 295 words, I’ll bet there was a fair amount of text cut out of this. At the end of a lightning ride, do I have the sphere in hand or is it on the ground somewhere?
The thought you applied about familiars, storms, and spell resistance, as well as your formatting show you have lots of attention to detail. The ride the lightning idea has been done before, a sword in the Age of Worms adventure path had this ability IIRC, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have something like it in Pathfinder too.
Welcome to the ranks of RPG Superstar! Keep showing us well thought out ideas with good development and a solid theme. Best of luck!
This is a definite keeper, but I agree with Alexander and Matt about a few issues. If it is going to grant a resistance bonus I’d like to see it worn, as opposed to being in a pocket or a backpack. Do you have to hold it?
The visuals with the iron bands surrounding the owner somewhat confuse me too, does it interfere with normal combat and weapons? Can the bands be struck and sundered? Can you roll around like a hamster?
Matt is right, the move action is so that the primary power can be activated and used in one round. That way your intended target(s) have no way to avoid it in the turn that you decide to activate it. BAM! You get to do it and they get to make their saving throws, all in one round. I have to say I agree with SKR, this is a little too convenient. Basically two standard actions. And I like to think that NPCs might react if this strange contraption abruptly popped up around a foe.
You could argue that tapping it is the standard action, and the attack as a lightning bolt is the move action. You are just hitting whatever is in your line of movement. Hmmm. Dunno. Probably not but I am playing devil’s advocate.
I really like it nevertheless.
Good job! Your spark of creativity has really shown here and I look forward to what you have for us next round!
RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 8
aka Sect
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I would rather see this as a worn item, maybe an amulet or a belt. If it was worn, I could easily accept the activation as being a move action (as an orb that you carry around, you have to pull it out of where ever you were holding it, and activate it like that), and the resistance bit would be a bit easier to accept. Also, the item description before activation is a bit boring, and I don't see any blue dragons anywhere.
That aside, the actual effect is pretty damned cool, especially the lightning attack. I don't know what the ride the lightning effect everyone's referencing is, but I'm digging it. I also like the bit about being stopped by spell resistance.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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Travel by lightning bolt, an old standby :) In fact, pretty sure I put that in a spell in a recent turnover. I agree with Ryan Dancey that nearest unoccupied square can cause issues. I prefer language along the lines of the last unoccupied square in the path of the bolt.
I'm leaning towards "does too much" on this item, but it is interesting, and I like the use of the bands. I'd probably cut out the resistance power and spend more words explaining how the bands look when they surround you.
Finished the first reading of top 32, and by far, this one is the one that grabs me the most! I absolutely love it. I admit that at first I was a little iffy on the likeness it has to certain other iron bands, but once I got to the description, I started making characters in my head that would use this item.
In time I will certainly love many of the top 32 as much as these, but for now, I'm writing them on my 'why can't this be real and in my possession wish list'.
Great work and congrats!
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6
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Hmm, Ok, appearance is similar to the Iron Bands that already exist. Not sure I like the term ‘possessor’ The travelling bolt of lightning reminds me of a spell in WotC’s Complete Mage or Dragon Magic (IDHTBIFOM) so it skates kind of close there for my tastes. The bounce factor seems to be pretty good for the possessor. (average damage is 7 or 11, reduced by 5 and a fort save to negate entirely I’d add lightning bolt to the requirements, but that’s me. Also don’t like the move action, but at least it’s not immediate/swift. Oh, and I don’t like that it gives the possessor an effect without it taking up a space. Does it work if it’s in your bag of holding? In your coat pocket?
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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Hmm, Ok, appearance is similar to the Iron Bands that already exist. Not sure I like the term ‘possessor’ The travelling bolt of lightning reminds me of a spell in WotC’s Complete Mage or Dragon Magic (IDHTBIFOM) so it skates kind of close there for my tastes. The bounce factor seems to be pretty good for the possessor. (average damage is 7 or 11, reduced by 5 and a fort save to negate entirely I’d add lightning bolt to the requirements, but that’s me. Also don’t like the move action, but at least it’s not immediate/swift. Oh, and I don’t like that it gives the possessor an effect without it taking up a space. Does it work if it’s in your bag of holding? In your coat pocket?
"Possessor" winds up being something of a forced word choice. To paraphrase a Paizo staffer's design document, using the phrase "owner" in a magic item is fraught with peril. Who is the "owner" of the One Ring in LotR? Frodo or Sauron?
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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I banged my head on a metal pole sledding with my son last night and today I find out I’m in the 2011 Superstar Contest. Thanks so much for the feedback (and I really hope I’m not dreaming this in the hospital)!
I’ve got more work to do and a deadline to meet, but I thought I’d reply to some of the great advice and feedback I received in case it might help those already dreaming up an item for the 2012 contest. I checked and triple-checked to make sure I wasn’t commenting during a voting round (disqualification scares me) and I see that this round is closed. Yes, I’m sure it is.
First off, right after I sent the item in I realized I didn’t include an aura of moderate transmutation but none of the judges mentioned it. I’d add that in to the item.
I knew making one power a move action to work was bending a rule, but I wanted the user to be able to don the bands and become lightning all in one round. I took a risk with that decision. I didn’t realize, however, that using “the nearest unoccupied square” in the description would likely get twisted in play, so I learned something important and I would change that part as well in a redesign.
Possessor is used in some wondrous items like the horn of fog to refer to whoever holds the magic item. Many other options like user are given as well.
As to the bands, I see them as a big sparking iron X across the chest. No more restraining than a belt or bandoleer.
The Blue Dragon part of the wondrous item is based specifically on the blue dragon’s iconic powers, specifically the special abilities of Electricity Aura and Storm Breath. Instead of calling down lightning the user becomes the lightning, but the idea was drawn from the blue dragon.
The Iron Bands part of the item was inspired by science. A Van de Graaf generator looks like a big metal ball mounted on a pedestal. In the real world, if you touch the sphere your hair stands on end.
But in the Pathfinder world, you gain power over lightning and the ability to become a living lightning bolt and thunder across the battlefield. I imagined Feiya the witch holding the iron sphere aloft (her arm becoming the pedestal) and watching the lightning play from the sphere, sparkling down her arm, and spraying in a dangerous circle around her. And then the sphere envelopes her and she becomes the lightning itself.
Also, imagining Feiya using this item and having her white hair fanned out and sparking conjures up pictures of Storm from the comics calling on her powers. So blue dragon powers, Van de Graaf generators, and mutants led me to this item. And that was all before I hit the metal pole.
It's Whiplash + Johnny Thunder (sorta)! Nifty!
I'd dump the different damage based on the weather. It seems extraneous.
Good job and welcome to RPG Superstar!
This was the first one I clicked on to read, because I was intrigued, and I didn't think an item could live up to the Iron Bands of Bilarro (Binding). I was wrong.
Great Job Charles! I agree with the move action criticism (I think the suspense is far greater to see this activated, and then not know when the bolt might come). Other than that, bravo. I like the weather, I like the form, and I even like the possessor bit (ala Rod of Splendor).
If it was more than 5 resist, it would be excessive perhaps, but it's nicely suited at 5, which is a resistance sorely lacking since 3.5 (when endure elements changed).
Good luck with the sore head!
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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These are my comments before reading the comments of the judges or others:
The item name is cool, though silver or copper are more conductive metals and would fit in better with the electricity theme (and there's already an "iron bands" item). Bronze dragons also breathe electricity and are metallic in nature, so make another (good-aligned) fitting name change option. Whether the possessor gains resistance to electricity 5 just for having (holding?) the sphere or only with activation, since this is mentioned up front, is a bit unclear.
The "aura of electricity" power is essentially shocking grasp with a 5 foot range; it would help simplify and tighten the item to mention shocking grasp and use its mechanics. Whether this power is active or passive is a bit unclear. It sounds like it causes damage at activation no matter what, then only at the user's option after that, which makes me wonder what action type is required to spark it off, seems like a waste of a standard action for just 1d6 damage, unless you zap a wad of goblins. I think this power is passive to avoid hitting nearby allies but some clarification would be good. Ten rounds a day also sounds excessive, given the pricing/costing (see below).
The next two paragraphs are where the core concept shines. Adding some fluff about electrical dragon wings would be more in keeping with the item's name and would make moving (i.e. flying) by lightning seem more blue dragon-like. Moving via a lightning bolt is quite cool though; this should be a move action rather than a standard action since it's movement. If spell resistance stops the bolt, I wonder if a successful save would too. If stopped by SR, I think the user should take his lumps--2d6 and save for half damage--not negates (rogues could still escape damage altogether).
The pricing/costing is way too low for the power this item supplies (forgive the pun). Lightning bolt and shocking grasp should both be in the construction requirements. As written, elemental aura doesn't fit and shocking grasp does, but using elemental aura works too if you up the item damage to 2d6. Overall, I like this item and I'd want one. This is a strong entry, a good, solid, useful combat toy. Yummy.
I like this item because I wanted to make something like this but with ice effects and it got too mechanically bogged down. Great item and congrats.
This one reminds me of Harbinger house. There was an NPC who had the fun ability to transform into a lightning bolt. It's good to see this ability again.
I think you could tighten up your themes and language, but your attention to detail shows that you think things through.
My only real issues with this item is the disconnect to the name, because I don't see much of blue dragons in there and that it is slotless and gives energy resistance.
But aside from that it is a really nifty item and I see forward to see more from you in the contest.
Congratulations on being a superstar!
I rather liked the premise of this item but it also didnt quite sit right in my mind.
I think this was due to a number of reasons, mostly personal to me, but these were as follows
Iron Bands is alsost immediately described as an Iron sphere.
To me, band implies arm bands, bracelets, that sort of thing and not a ball of iron.
It use then shows the ball expanding into bands of iron large enough to encompass the user. I couldnt quite picture in my mind how they surround the user, does the user step into the expanding circle like jumping into skipping ropes or do they phase around him and only become solid bands after surrounding.
I also wondered if there was a maximum size of user that could be surrounded.
Apart from the electricity link to a blue dragon, I also felt that it would have been nicer if rather than iron, a claw or scale was the material of the sphere to just tie it to the blue dragon that much more closely.
Once I got past this unease though, I found the rules to be fairly tight and did include an option for where electricty bolts dont work - like underwater, so that was very tight. Nicely done.
Scoring:
Note to all participants: The final score is a factor into who I vote for, but so is how much I like an item (my personal preferences and tastes). So dont assume I am voting for my highest scoring items only.
Name: 7/10
This was knocked down purely because of my "not quite right about bands and spheres" feeling.
Description: 9/10
Your very tight rule management brought this up well for you.
Construction: 9/10
Had there been a bit of blue dragon instead of elemental body, I would have given a 10 but thats just me and I hate saying 10/10.
Final score: 25/30 - well done.
A very good entry, I hope the feedback is useful.
Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon
The effects are cool, I guess. Name could be cooler. Not a very "dragon-y" item. And in terms of presentation, the first line of the description irks me.
My players would probably want to use this. I don't know if it would be high on the list of things I'd give to an NPC villain, though it would be an interesting addition to the arsenal of a lightning-themed caster.
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The first sentence is really wonky, and it's giving me a hard time.
If we strip it down, I'm getting "[...]Bands[...]is[...]an iron sphere", and my brain has shut down. "The Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon initially manifest as an iron sphere blah blah blah" might have been a better construction. I'm 100% certain that you could have written that better, though, so I'm overlooking it. Just...in future rounds, I'd recommend caution with grammar. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it, because now (as a voter) I'm going to be looking for it.
Idea-wise, these are cool, and the main power is reminiscent of Ride The Lightning (which I know as a cool Guild Wars power, but may have roots in previous editions - not sure exactly, since Alexander referenced it above). Either way, this is a pretty cool and potentially iconic ability ("Turn into a lightning bolt! Fry your enemies!), and I love the fact that if you hit something that's a little too strong, you take damage and end up in chompa-chompa range from the monster/opponent.
I'd have voted to keep this as well. Great job!
I'm not familiar with the Ride the Lightning power, so at least to me this item felt as a fresh idea.
There´s nothing I dislike about it, except maybe the loose reference to blue dragons (ok, there´s the electricity theme, but the references pretty much end there).
Still, the item as a whole is pretty tight thematically and mechanically, but to me the effect of turning into a lightning bolt is its highlight, and not because of the damage (which is somewhat obvious) but rather because of the movement possibilities. It can be used to reach high places, for instance, which is a clever side effect.
I would´ve loved to see a longer line of effect because of this, something that would go beyond the average speed of 30 ft. and could be used as your move action for the round. Of course that would need some tweaking, since a longer line means hitting more targets, and dealing an attack as a move action would be unbalanced, but anyway I think it would be a great effect.
Just a thought, though. I like it as it is, it´s one of my top 5.
Congratulations!
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
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I'm a bit unsure about the whole iron sphere and metal bands bit. I like the effects of this item, but I'm not too fond on how it looks. I'm having trouble picturing it as anything but iron bands around you like a hamster ball, but maybe I'm reading it wrong?
I really like the ride the lightning idea. I was toying with some spurs that did the same thing for one of my rejected items.
Good job. Looking forward to seeing your archetype.
I will agree with Jeremiziah immediately. The first sentence made me stumble. Also, "metal bands that expand to completely surround the possessor" immediately makes me think Magneto. If that is not the image you were going for, I'd suggest a rewrite. Neither of these are very dragony, as has been said many times, so I'm not a fan of the flavor.
However, the movement by lightning is excellent. That is the part of this item that I would run with. Include Lightning Bolt as a creation requirement and use its mechanic with a fixed number of damage dice. I'd agree with 5d6 as well. I would trade the damage aura for the full 120ft bolt length. I think my version would go something like this:
"Once per day, as a standard action, the possessor can transform himself, his gear, and a carried familiar into a living bolt of lightning extending from his space in a line as per the Lightning Bolt spell. The bolt inflicts 5d6 points of electricity damage (Reflex DC 16 for half and spell resistance applies). The possessor appears in the square where the bolt ends. This can be caused by barriers, as per the spell, or if the bolt does not overcome the spell resistance of a creature. If stopped by a spell resistance roll, the possessor takes 2d6 points of electricity damage (Fortitude DC 16 for half and spell resistance applies)"
Using the spell provides a flavor bonus as well. The line of the spell "It can melt metals with a low melting point, such as lead, gold, copper, silver, or bronze" means the bands SHOULD be made of iron or they might destroy themselves.
What we have in this version is an always on electricity resistance (always good) and a once per day, half strength Lightning Bolt, which, oh by the way, can move you. The added range and barrier destruction (don't need a dwarven lockpick) makes this a very intriguing item that I'd love to have. A PC would have to decide if blasting through a locked door without knowing what is on the other side is a good idea. Admittedly the cost may have just skyrocketed though... I'll leave that part as an exercise for the reader.
Nitpicky Details: An iron sphere 4 inches in diameter would weigh a lot more than 1lb. Say it's hollow.
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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I really like this item on concept!
It is similar to the item I submitted in that it includes movement and the spell attack simultaneously.
The one thing about the name though, is the only similarity to a Blue Dragon is the electricity aspect, so the name might need a bit of tweaking.
I think that the effect that some of the judges were referring to wanting to know if the bands surrounding them would give them an AC bonus or something... well the way I read it, is that the bands surround the character and THEN turn into the electric aura. As such, they are no longer metal bands. I could be wrong on my interpretation though.
As for the tightness and cleanliness of writing. I'd have to say that I felt like the person may not be a native English speaker? It kind of had a stilted style that you usually see when someone isn't as familiar with the language. I could be wrong and this person just isn't that experienced with writing.
This is really cool! I can just imagine my group fighting over it! There's a lot going on with it, which normally would make me more leery of handing it out, but it works for this item. Really well put together!
Congratulations on making it to the Top 32! Have fun in Round 2! :D
I want to like this item.
What protection does the sphere offer the user? What happens when I'm in the sphere and creatures are attacking me? This seems like a big omission in the description.
I don't like the effect that causes me to take damage when the spell resistance of another creature is not bypassed.
Excellent concept, Charles! I note some of the same problems others have pointed out (no sense reiterating them here), but overall, it's a tight item. I'd use it or something very similar (ala what Richard Hunt said) in my own campaign any day. Congrats on winning this round of the contest, and good luck in the next round!
Congratulations on making the Top 32.
Your item is a neat little bundle of electricity powers. The 'lightning rid' is definitely the coolest and it doesn't matter that such effects have appeared in other products before - you created a nice simple version and brought it to Pathfinder. I'll also point out that the issue of "nearest square' vs 'unoccupied square' is a really nitpicky kind of issue - which is good to see on round 1.
I will point out that, like others, I don't see the 'blue dragon' in this and the other electricity effects seem a little clunky to me in terms of their activation.
Still, it is a great item! Good job.
This time I was ninja'd by Sean. I guess I will keep going until someone fails to say something I would have said. Great Item.
I don't have much to add but I like the concept. I might have liked it more if it were more tailored to arcane casters. I can see rogues doing terrible things with this. Of course, that's fun too.
Congrats!
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4
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Star Voter Season 6
aka raidou
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Charles, congratulations on being selected for Superstar! This item is great for a lot of reasons. It's got tons of tactical uses, it's neither overpriced nor overpowered, and it really promotes creative play. It's well-written and easy to understand, placing you among the top of the pack this year. I agree with some posters who have said this ought to be a worn item... I'm not a huge fan of the slotless nature of the thing. Also, the link to blue dragons is incidental at best. But I like how you've followed through on many details, from spell resistance to where you land if you don't pass through a foe. That's thoughtful stuff, and displays the kind of design tenacity that will carry you a long way in the competition. Best of luck in future rounds!
Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon
I think all things considered this is a great item and draws a lot of great imagery. I think the only downfault is that some of the imagery leaves a great deal of questions unanswered.
Specifically, "metal bands that expand to completely surround the possessor". Saying it completely surrounds the possessor suggests to me that it creates a sphere. I think that should have simply said, "narrow metal bands that wrap across the caster's torso."
Good item, and congratulations on the win.
Ken
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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Again, thanks for all the feedback (positive and helpful criticism) and kind words.
The iron bands of the blue dragon are the same type of item as the iron bands of binding from the Core Rulebook. The wording I used is similar in some ways to that item. In hindsight, that item is too obscure for many people and so my description doesn't seem to work. If I could do it over, I might change the item. But I still like the imagery of a magical Van de Graaf generator that sparked (get it?:)) the idea for this item.
The blue dragon powers I used are also obscure it seems. So renaming the item wouldn't hurt.
Congratulations Charles!
Strength (Overall): 15
Dexterity (see time in my campaign): 14
Constitution (long-time keeper): 12
Intelligence (mechanics): 17
Wisdom (writing craft): 14
Charisma (flavor/visuals): 14
Spinning bands of electrically charged iron? I like it. My first thought was the monk villain from 2009 trained by a blue dragon (I am not sure why I think bands are monk items.) I was glad to be wrong, but the name (as my avatar might suggest :) set me up for something different. Dragon's are a big part of the game even if the name did change :) I think 10 rounds of electrical damage is a bit strong. Correct me if I am wrong, but as it is written the user would take some of this if the damage roll beat the resistance right? These should probably take up a slot imho. Still I think you managed quite a few nice electrical-themed powers into this without going SAK. Nice job and good luck.
My apologies for being such a slow reader and not getting you feedback sooner. Again, congratulations! :)
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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My apologies for being such a slow reader and not getting you feedback sooner. Again, congratulations! :)
Thanks! And no problem on the timing of your post, any feedback and well wishes are most welcome. Also, if I counted by black dots correctly, I just finished my own very quick comments on the other items.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. That goes out to everyone.
Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon
Aura moderate evocation; CL 10th
Slot --; Price 27,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Iron Bands of the Blue Dragon is an iron sphere 4 inches in diameter. The possessor gains resistance to electricity 5.As a move action, the possessor can tap the iron bands. The sphere breaks apart into metal bands that expand to completely surround the possessor and provide an aura of electricity. Creatures within 5 feet take 1d6 points of electricity damage when activated and then at the beginning of the possessor’s turn. The possessor can use this ability for up to ten rounds a day and the use does not have to be consecutive. Another move action tap return the bands to a sphere.
Once a day as a standard action, if the possessor is surrounded by the bands, he can transform himself, his gear, and a carried familiar into a living bolt of lightning extending from his space in a line 5-foot-wide and 30-foot-long. The bolt inflicts 5d6 points (or 5d10 points if created outdoors in precipitation or a storm) of electricity damage (Reflex DC 16 for half and spell resistance applies). The possessor appears at the end of the line (or in the nearest unoccupied space in the line) after the attack.
If the bolt does not overcome the spell resistance of a creature, the attack and the possessor’s movement stop. He appears in the nearest unoccupied square in the line. The iron bands return to a sphere, and the possessor takes 2d6 (or 2d10 as above) points of electricity damage (Fortitude DC 16 save negates, spell resistance applies, and damage is reduced by the item’s electricity resistance).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, elemental aura, elemental body I; Cost 13,500 gp
Ask A RPGSuperstar Succubus is posting from the point of view of a CE aligned succubus – fairness is an adjective applicable to hair coloration, balance is what a couple of mortals on opposite ends of a plank pivoted on a rocky spire above a drop of several hundred feet into a pool of molten basalt frantically try to do, and logic is something which proves anything a demon of adequate status and charm requires it to demonstrate.
Is the item Pretty?
It's an iron sphere lacking features or anything else to look at of interest. So no.
Does the item help a demonic seductress to keep a paladin house pet?
Not unless you've had a bad day, and probably not even then.
Is the item otherwise useful?
Perhaps as a means of travelling a short distance without having people chop at you with weapons along the route. Or to make a spectacular entry at a party.
Other Comments? (including World Domination potential on the evil laughter scale, where appropriate)
Basically this item is a way to travel thirty feet in a straight line between two points without enemies being able to chop at you with weapons. There are cheaper and more reliable ways to do that more often a day under most circumstances; what this item has the ability to do so in style. Granted you might zap some people or things along the way if you're lucky but that doesn't exactly appeal to me (or at least not the putting my own personal safety at risk to do it) as a succubus. Now on a reliable ally or servant it might be more useful for dealing damage (plus there the power for protecting from electrical damage actually has a point too) but to be frank you need a really reliable ally or servant to hand this sort of item. It may only be priced at 27,000 gold on the open market, but it's the sort of thing which will go to their heads ('look at me, I'm a living lightning bolt!!!') and lead them to treachery or other idiocies.
So, in the end, is the price tag worth it for an occasional spectacular entrance to a ball or party?
Gollum Rating:
Fisssh.
Hey there Charles. You did great work with this item, and I want to talk a little about it.
What does it offer the player?
This is where your item really shines. Your item offers a choice that has real consequences. The fact that the first mechanic doesn't differentiate between friend or foe will make the user a danger to both his allies and his enemies. A player would have to make sure not to activate these if they were expecting a cure spell from his local cleric as that 1d6 electricity damage might interrupt the casting. The item also starts to effect a larger area when spells like enlarge person and giant form I are in effect.
The second effect has similar implications. First off, it creates a very specific distance the player will move. This means that the item becomes dangerous to use when the player near cliffs or fighting near traps. Secondly, the player has to try and work the positions of his allies and of any innocent bystanders into his movement plan.
Combined, these two abilities create a wondrous amount of choice for a wielder. Good job.
The 5 "W"s and How's
Two questions pop up in my head when I read your item.
First off, does effect one damage the wielder? The wielder is within 5 feet of himself so I would assume the answer to be yes, but the item doesn't bring mention to this issue.
Secondly, the item's description leaves something to be desired concerning the nature of the rings that surround the possessor during the first effect.
The sphere breaks apart into metal bands that expand to completely surround the possessor and provide an aura of electricity.
I picture iron bands flying around the user in such a way that movement and attacking might be rather hard to accomplish, but it could also create a cloud of much smaller bands that accomplish a similar function.
Where you shine as a designer
This item shows that you are very good at creating a good theme for an item and sticking to it. You also don't add too much to an item during the process. It would have been easy to also have the bands give you Resist electricity 10, but you didn't because the item is more about creating electricity than about resisting it.
Again good job, and I look forward to seeing your work in future rounds.
I like this item, and I think it's very cool - I like the living lightning bolt concept and I think I've got a baddie who will have one of these - the visuals are great.
The thing I keep getting hung up on is the whole "tap" thing. Ugh. Every time I see it, it knocks me right out of visualizing the effects and into watching someone play a game of Magic the Gathering.
I suspect that the author was trying to avoid "activate" and other similar words, but the choice of "tap" is a big miss for me.
This is a spiffy item. It's so spiffy that I spent the last day or so thinking about why I like this item's ability to move the character 30' in a straight line, and I don't like the Talisman of Synchronicity's ability to do effectively the same thing.
My conclusion: The Iron Bands transform the character. You don't get an AoO on a lightning bolt. As a personal opinion, obviously you can take it or leave it. ;)
Good luck in the rest of RPGSS.
I like this one a lot. There's some great mojo here.
I like how you base the damage on the call lighting spell, and that you do more damage during stormy/cloudy conditions. I also like how the living bolt halts if it doesn't defeat a creature's spell resistance.
Most of all, the living bolt of lighting is very cool. I will be stealing this for my game. Good job!
I like this item more for its weaknesses than for its strengths. Namely the indiscriminate 1d6 damage and the SR limitation. Including these is what gives an item real character. (Okay, the strengths are pretty cool too!)
Your writing style did give me a little trouble as it felt stunted in places, perhaps because you had to stick to the word count? In addition, I would've like to have seen one or two more sentences of flavor description, just to really draw the reader in.
As for the name, just add some dragon engravings on it and you can keep the "Dragon" bit. ;)
I like the cool visual effect here, but agree with the concerns many have raised. This seems like it should involve an armour bonus or concealment of some kind. It does seem a little misleading with its draconic name. If it did in fact give you some kind of armour, or better yet natural armour you might fix this disconnect. I might have also tried to make mention of other versions of the item with different energy effects.
I would use this, but it really needs to take up an item slot, even if it only does so when active.
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RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 6
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Great feedback everyone. Thanks a lot.
I didn't realize that my language sounded strange in the item description so I'll keep that in mind in the future. I know the 300 word limit changed my writing style. I haven't had comments on stilted language in any other writing I've done.
The earlier comment that I might speak English as a second language really surprised me! I'm from Michigan, USA and I don't even say worsh I say wash. No, really.
Great feedback everyone. Thanks a lot.
I didn't realize that my language sounded strange in the item description so I'll keep that in mind in the future. I know the 300 word limit changed my writing style. I haven't had comments on stilted language in any other writing I've done.
The earlier comment that I might speak English as a second language really surprised me! I'm from Michigan, USA and I don't even say worsh I say wash. No, really.
I noted that your responses did seem to flow more naturally than your submission, so I guessed it was just from you trying to choose your wording more carefully in your writeup. Or perhaps your Scottish ancestry was being channeled while you wrote? ;D