Gag Items


RPG Superstar™ 2009 General Discussion

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Dark Archive Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

You know you want to do it; submit a funny, silly or stupid wondrous item.
So instead of just letting the judges see them, how about posting them here?


I posted this one in the Bad Item Stereotypes thread as a lark, but this thread appears to be a better home for it. =]

Beatin' Stick of Colossal Ass-Kicking: This short baton is made of ironwood and etched with dwarven runes that translate to the following: Ain’t nobody above an ass-kicking.

The beatin’ stick acts as a +5 club with the following properties.


  • Three times per day, as a swift action, the wielder of the beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking can designate a single target within 60 feet for a “beat down.” If the target of the “beat down” is struck with beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking within 3 rounds, it suffers the effects of a crushing despair spell, and cries “like a little b!tch” for 10 rounds.
  • Once per day, as a standard action, the wielder of the beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking can declare, “it is on.” When “it is on,” the wielder of the beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking gains a +4 enhancement bonus to Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution, and is hasted, as the spell. The duration of “it is on” is one minute.

Strong evocation (ass-kicking) and transmutation, CL 17; Craft Magic Arms & Armor; Bigby’s beat down, crushing despair, haste; Price 185,000 gp; Cost 92.500 gp + 7,400 xp.


Blackdirge wrote:

I posted this one in the Bad Item Stereotypes thread as a lark, but this thread appears to be a better home for it. =]

Beatin' Stick of Colossal Ass-Kicking: This short baton is made of ironwood and etched with dwarven runes that translate to the following: Ain’t nobody above an ass-kicking.

The beatin’ stick acts as a +5 club with the following properties.


  • Three times per day, as a swift action, the wielder of the beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking can designate a single target within 60 feet for a “beat down.” If the target of the “beat down” is struck with beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking within 3 rounds, it suffers the effects of a crushing despair spell, and cries “like a little b!tch” for 10 rounds.
  • Once per day, as a standard action, the wielder of the beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking can declare, “it is on.” When “it is on,” the wielder of the beatin’ stick of colossal ass-kicking gains a +4 enhancement bonus to Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution, and is hasted, as the spell. The duration of “it is on” is one minute.

Strong evocation (ass-kicking) and transmutation, CL 17; Craft Magic Arms & Armor; Bigby’s beat down, crushing despair, haste; Price 185,000 gp; Cost 92.500 gp + 7,400 xp.

Awesome! But, isn't the correct term "ass-whoopin'"? ;)


Evil Genius wrote:
Awesome! But, isn't the correct term "ass-whoopin'"? ;)

Nope, you're thinking of the rod of ass-whoopin'. That allows you to create special potions that you can "open up" when "it is on."

BD


Anyone remember the monkeypants from last year? Great stick, by the way. Might have go to the ugly tree and carve my own.

Dark Archive Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4

Found 'em!

Truly, my proudest moment ...

Pants of the Many Monkeys

This simple pair of khaki adventuring pants contains, hidden in its many goody-sized pockets, monkeys. Many, many monkeys.

Each day, upon command ("Monkeys!") the pants produce 3d12 monkeys (see page 267, MM). These monkeys are CRAZY monkeys, however, and no amount of training, yelling or stomping of feet will get these monkeys to stop it with their crazy monkey shenanigans. The monkeys are possessed both a limited magical 'hive-mind' and an overwhelming, capricious desire to perform acts of mischief and tomfoolery.

The monkeys will probably eat all the rations and poop in the bedrolls. They will pants the cleric and 'honk' the elf's boobs. Also, they like to trip people, drink ale, and steal hats. The monkeys speak French.

Moderate Conjuration; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Nature's Ally III, Prestidigitation; Price 8,000 gp., 2 lbs.

Paizo Employee Creative Director, Starfinder aka Robert G. McCreary

I would like to see "crazy monkey shenanigans" codified in the new final PFRPG rules. Maybe a new feat, so my pants of the many monkeys-wearin', beatin' stick of colossal ass-kicking-wieldin' bare chested uber-fighter can get up to shenanigans with his monkeys.


Leg Warmers of the Steel Town Girl
Aura Moderate Abjuration and Enchantment, Faint Transmutation; CL 5th
Slot feet; Price 24000gp ; Weight 1 lb.

These stylish, double-knit open-ended stockings come in a pair sized for medium humanoids. When placed on the lower extremities, the wearer gains Cold resistance 5. In addition, the wearer also gains a +2 on all Tumble checks and Perform (Dance) checks. Finally, if the wearer exceeds the DC for any Perform (Dance) check by 10 (“where the dancer becomes the dance”), entering a state known as “a cold connective heat,” every humanoid viewing the wearer within 60 feet is subjected to a charm person effect (CL 12).

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Protection from Energy (Cold), Cat’s Grace, Charm Person; Cost 12000 gp

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

Those leg warmers have the mojo. Maniac!

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

The funny thing is that, while a joke, the leg warmers are a great item. Limited bonus, special focused ability. Good power and costing. Good creation details that are well thought out. Not overpowered. Nice short descriptive text. Tight. Well done. That is a good wondrous item. Now, its obviously a gag item and thus would get rejected. But its funny how people can, when being funny, design perfectly. But when it is for real and its serious they can over think it and mess it all up. :) Keep loose. Bring that design mojo. Not whackiness. But good, tight design.

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

Clinton Boomer wrote:

Found 'em!

Truly, my proudest moment ...

Pants of the Many Monkeys

This simple pair of khaki adventuring pants contains, hidden in its many goody-sized pockets, monkeys. Many, many monkeys.

Each day, upon command ("Monkeys!") the pants produce 3d12 monkeys (see page 267, MM). These monkeys are CRAZY monkeys, however, and no amount of training, yelling or stomping of feet will get these monkeys to stop it with their crazy monkey shenanigans. The monkeys are possessed both a limited magical 'hive-mind' and an overwhelming, capricious desire to perform acts of mischief and tomfoolery.

The monkeys will probably eat all the rations and poop in the bedrolls. They will pants the cleric and 'honk' the elf's boobs. Also, they like to trip people, drink ale, and steal hats. The monkeys speak French.

Moderate Conjuration; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Nature's Ally III, Prestidigitation; Price 8,000 gp., 2 lbs.

Second to the Migrus, this was my favorite item of the entire competition last year. And it wasnt even a real entry.

"These monkeys are CRAZY monkeys, however, and no amount of training, yelling or stomping of feet will get these monkeys to stop it with their crazy monkey shenanigans." Brilliant!

"The monkeys will probably eat all the rations and poop in the bedrolls. They will pants the cleric and 'honk' the elf's boobs. Also, they like to trip people, drink ale, and steal hats. The monkeys speak French." True perfection. Particularly the speak French part. Hillarious!

Obviously, this is horribly overwritten from a model submission standpoint (unlike the well done leg warmers). But this is just pure genius.

Liberty's Edge

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Adventure, Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber

Oh fun, here's mine:

Vegetable Cutter
Aura strong evocation : CL -
Slot - ; Price -; Weight
Description
In the hands of any female this is just an ordinary, wood-framed vegetable cutter. But as soon as a human male touches it, it reveals its full properties as a +10 keen vorpal human man bane vegetable cutter, and runes start to glow on its wooden frame, reading in common: ”Danger, do not touch! Keen, vorpal and sharp!”
A man gets a Will Save (DC20) to not show off when a woman is nearby watching (this DC increases by 5 for every woman present beyond the first).
On an attack roll of 1-7 it scores a criticial fumble threat. If the fumble is not confirmed, the user takes 1d4 damage and 1d6 bleeding damage until magically healed. If a fumble is scored, the user loses 1d3 fingers and takes also 2d6 bleed until bandaged by a woman. Present women start to grin after a fumble (important, they do not laugh just grin) which increases the males Will Save DC by another 10 points if he uses the cutter again within the next 5 rounds. Any Bluff or Intimidate checks made against women after such a critical also receive a -5.
Construction
Requirements Nothing is known about this hellish device as it seems only women can create such an item, and they seem to keep its construction a secret at all costs.


Clark Peterson wrote:
Those leg warmers have the mojo. Maniac!

Thanks Clark!

I really enjoyed the gag items thread last year. It was a blast. The Beatin' Stick and Boomer's Monkey Pants have really set the tone in this thread again.


One more bleary-eyed, 80s referencing post before I turn in:

Mr. Miyagi’s Sponge of Shielding
Aura Faint Abjuration and Transmutation; CL 1st
Slot hand; Price 4000gp ; Weight -

When held in a hand and the command phrase is uttered (“Wax on!”), the holder of this ordinary looking sponge gains a +4 deflection bonus to AC. If a pair of sponges are used, one per hand, the second sponge will always have a separate command phrase (“Wax off!”). The deflection bonus of two sponges will stack. In addition, if the sponges are used to buff or polish any non-magical surface for a minimum of one hour, treat the object as if it had received the effects of a mending spell (CL 9).
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Shield, Mending; Cost 2000 gp

Dark Archive

Oh, sorry; I thought this was a BDSM thread...

So, err...
<shuffles off>

Grand Lodge Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8

Why break a trend?

Headband of the Wolverine

Donning this cloth band, you become a virtual fighting machine — stronger, tougher, faster, and more skilled in combat. Your mind-set changes so that you relish combat and gain uncanny insight into warfare, but your berserker tendencies are likely to lead you to a bad end.
You gain a +4 enhancement bonus to Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution, a +4 natural armor bonus to AC, a +5 competence bonus on Fortitude saves, and proficiency with all simple, martial and exotic weapons. Your base attack bonus equals your ranks in Perform (sports) (which may give you multiple attacks).
You lose your ability to move away from any living enemy — you must stand your ground or advance until all opponents in your sight are slain. The headband can be activated by a command word (you know the one) twice per day and remains active for as long as enemies are in sight or for ten minutes.
Moderate transmutation; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item, transformation; Price 47,520gp


Starglim, you ARE the best there is at what you do....and what you do isn't very nice....bub.

The Exchange

Tired of all that pesky "where do the badguys in the dungeons go to take a dump?"-type of question?
Bedpan of Cleanliness- this non-descript bedpan is most often found in areas that were not originally outfitted with plumbing that are occupied by some sort of humanoid group that requires waste matter to not build up.
Any organic waste matter deposited into this silvered pan is instantly teleported into a part of the Abyss that using such material in ways too foul to describe. Living items(except for bacteria and other microscopic items usually found in stool) and indigestible items are left behind, unharmed.
Cost 500gp.
(haven't decided what spell to base it on but prestidigitation could work)


Riese's Codpieces?


Stench Kow Cheese : This powerfully magical cheese has been made with the Churn of the Titans. And has the following effects. If eaten the eater must make an immediate Fort save DC 12. If this is failed they are beset with explosive diarrhea and incessant vomiting. Essentially Dazed and Nauseated for 1-4 hours. The experience is so horrid that from then on they will be super sensitive to horrid smells or tastes getting a - 6 on all saves vrs these attacks and suffering twice normal penalties. This sensitivity is permanent and can only be removed with a break enchantment or remove curse cast by a priest of a god of celebrations or feasting of 12th level or higher.
If the save is made however the powerful cheese has a wonderful effect on the body.
The eater gets an appreciation for all smells and tastes, good or bad and no longer suffers any negative effects from bad smells or tastes, such as a Ghasts attack or a stinking cloud smell. Actual poisons still have an effect on the eater. They may happily breath in the horrid smelling vapors of a cloud kill spell without realizing how deadly it is.

Thank you for having this thread.

I almost sent this in...

Its late...


Something I used in my campaign for a troublesome Paladin :-)

Goggles O good (ie See no evil, hear no evil)

Aura Faint illusion; CL 5th
Slot feet; Price 30,000gp ; Weight 1 lb.

These rather mundane eyeglasses look like any other normal pair of goggles except for they have no lenses. When donning the eyeglasses the character must make a will save DC 15 or be affected by a simple yet effective illusion. A failed will save causes the user to see only the good in people. Everything observed by the character is peaceful, quiet and serene. The goggles are best used by evil clergy for their Paladin friends. Once worn, the only way to remove these goggles is with a successful remove curse or break enchantment spell.

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, major image, silence; Cost 15000 gp


actually let me re-phrase, I made them "available" and the party gave them to the Paladin. Hehe


Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber

What about a +3 backscratcher? It might also be useful in the casting of some of the various Bigby spells.

Scarab Sages

Rose colored glasses - any character who puts them on sees an idealized happy world where nothing ever goes wrong or anything wants to hurt them.


Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber
Ubermench wrote:
Rose colored glasses - any character who puts them on sees an idealized happy world where nothing ever goes wrong or anything wants to hurt them.

Those sound similar to the Douglas Adams' Peril Sensitive Glasses that go completely black right before anything threatens you thereby allowing you to ignore the threat completely.

Paizo Employee Managing Developer , Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

If I can't get a Flying Spell Bag, I at least want a Six Demon Bag.

Scarab Sages

Daigle wrote:
If I can't get a Flying Spell Bag, I at least want a Six Demon Bag.

How about a Sleeping Bag with a DC20 check to wake it up.

Scarab Sages

Kata. the ..... wrote:
Ubermench wrote:
Rose colored glasses - any character who puts them on sees an idealized happy world where nothing ever goes wrong or anything wants to hurt them.
Those sound similar to the Douglas Adams' Peril Sensitive Glasses that go completely black right before anything threatens you thereby allowing you to ignore the threat completely.

Based it off an old cliche. Definition here

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

Kata. the ..... wrote:
What about a +3 backscratcher? It might also be useful in the casting of some of the various Bigby spells.

Careful. Thats an old 1E joke from the DMG... :)

Dark Archive Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

Ubermench wrote:
Rose colored glasses - any character who puts them on sees an idealized happy world where nothing ever goes wrong or anything wants to hurt them.

for 4e fans? :)

Scarab Sages

chopswil wrote:
Ubermench wrote:
Rose colored glasses - any character who puts them on sees an idealized happy world where nothing ever goes wrong or anything wants to hurt them.
for 4e fans? :)

Dungeons and Roses ;)


Ubermench wrote:
Dungeons and Roses ;)

Didn't they have a huge hit back in the 80s - "Adventuring in the Jungle"?

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012 , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

BV210 wrote:
Ubermench wrote:
Dungeons and Roses ;)
Didn't they have a huge hit back in the 80s - "Adventuring in the Jungle"?

It took them forever to release their latest album, "Chelish Democracy".


I like Fakey's bedpan.
I'd give it a +1 armour bonus if used as a helmet, though.
It's just the sort of thing that a pompous goblin or kobold chief would want to wear.

Fake Healer wrote:

Tired of all that pesky "where do the badguys in the dungeons go to take a dump?"-type of question?

Bedpan of Cleanliness- this non-descript bedpan is most often found in areas that were not originally outfitted with plumbing that are occupied by some sort of humanoid group that requires waste matter to not build up.
Any organic waste matter deposited into this silvered pan is instantly teleported into a part of the Abyss that using such material in ways too foul to describe. Living items(except for bacteria and other microscopic items usually found in stool) and indigestible items are left behind, unharmed.
Cost 500gp.
(haven't decided what spell to base it on but prestidigitation could work)

Scarab Sages

Evilturnip wrote:
I like Fakey's bedpan.

I read that as "I lick Fakey's bedpan."

Oh, God, it's late...

The Exchange

Snorter wrote:
Evilturnip wrote:
I like Fakey's bedpan.

I read that as "I lick Fakey's bedpan."

Oh, God, it's late...

Hey! Give me back my bedpan! I was using that....

Dark Archive

Daigle wrote:
If I can't get a Flying Spell Bag, I at least want a Six Demon Bag.

Oh, I totally want a Six Demon Bag!

Roll a d6 when it's opened (all effects at CL 6);

1) Gust of Wind
2) Burning Hands effect
3) Shout spell
4) Lightning Bolt
5) Summon Monster III (dretch)
6) a single Evard's Black Tentacle comes out of the bag and attacks anyone who isn't the bag holder within reach for 6 rounds.

Paizo Employee Managing Developer , Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Set wrote:
Daigle wrote:
If I can't get a Flying Spell Bag, I at least want a Six Demon Bag.

Oh, I totally want a Six Demon Bag!

Roll a d6 when it's opened (all effects at CL 6);

1) Gust of Wind
2) Burning Hands effect
3) Shout spell
4) Lightning Bolt
5) Summon Monster III (dretch)
6) a single Evard's Black Tentacle comes out of the bag and attacks anyone who isn't the bag holder within reach for 6 rounds.

That's a pretty sweet interpretation.

Scarab Sages

Dehydrated water (just add water), create 1 cubic yard of water

Smoking Jacket, cast cloud of fog 3/day

Deck of Useless Items, summons/creates one useless creature or object per card drawn. i.e. tadpole, wilted flowers, a broken butter knife.

Heavy Mace of Mercy, every creature hit by the mace takes 1d8 damage and heals 1d8 hit points.


Ubermench wrote:
Smoking Jacket, cast cloud of fog 3/day

I think it was Eric, in the thread about about the Bodyguard's Vest in last year's contest, that said the game needs more vests. Turn that into Hefner's Smoking Vest and you might have a winner!

Marathon Voter Season 9

chopswil wrote:
Ubermench wrote:
Rose colored glasses - any character who puts them on sees an idealized happy world where nothing ever goes wrong or anything wants to hurt them.
for 4e fans? :)

*Hugs copy of Blue Rose.* Don't lump 4e fans in with me.*takes back the rose coloured glasses.*

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16 aka Sir_Wulf

Perhaps I should have submitted this one:

THE CASTAWAY’S TEXT
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot not applicable; Price 12,200 gp; Weight 2 lb.

DESCRIPTION
Written on papyrus crafted from coconut palm fronds, this small journal book describes hundreds of uses for coconuts and other portions of the coconut palm.

Two hours study of the coconut-scented tome allows the reader to use a variation on the Eschew Materials feat: When casting spells, he can substitute coconuts for material components worth one gold piece or less. The reader also gains a +4 competence bonus to any Craft skill checks utilizing coconuts as raw materials.

These abilities fade within one day unless the reader keeps the text on his person for occasional perusal.

CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, fox’s cunning, touch of idiocy; Cost 6,200 gp

Scarab Sages

The Earl of Sandwich wrote:
Ubermench wrote:
Smoking Jacket, cast cloud of fog 3/day
I think it was Eric, in the thread about about the Bodyguard's Vest in last year's contest, that said the game needs more vests. Turn that into Hefner's Smoking Vest and you might have a winner!

Sir Hugh of Hefner's smoking vest, Cast scented cloud of Amorous intentions

Exactly like the cloud of fog spell but scented with jasmine and patchouli and the fog clings to everyone leaving the cloud for one round.


Sir_Wulf wrote:
The Castaway's Text

LOL...Well done.....Perchance, have you been watching Gilligan's Island reruns lately?

BTW, I love that you put both fox's cunning AND touch of idiocy as spell prereqs....


Ubermench wrote:
Exactly like the cloud of fog spell but scented with jasmine and patchouli

Hahahahahahaha.........It should be a condition of the gag item thread every year from now on that SOMETHING smells like patchouli....I just like the way that word sounds....Patchouli, Patchouli, Patchouli......Come on, say it with me now...


Daigle wrote:
Set wrote:
Daigle wrote:
If I can't get a Flying Spell Bag, I at least want a Six Demon Bag.

Oh, I totally want a Six Demon Bag!

Roll a d6 when it's opened (all effects at CL 6);

1) Gust of Wind
2) Burning Hands effect
3) Shout spell
4) Lightning Bolt
5) Summon Monster III (dretch)
6) a single Evard's Black Tentacle comes out of the bag and attacks anyone who isn't the bag holder within reach for 6 rounds.

That's a pretty sweet interpretation.

Do want. Egg Shen would be proud. :P


I can't take credit for this one, but I thought it was hilarious. A pair of scissors that grant a continuous expeditious retreat effect on the wielder only when held in the wielder's hand.


The titles should be self explanatory...

Wand o' Slippery Banana Peels

Fez Hat o' Invisibility (must pull cord to operate)


flynnster wrote:


The titles should be self explanatory...

Wand o' Slippery Banana Peels

Fez Hat o' Invisibility (must pull cord to operate)

And yes, if you change o' to of, the items lose all magical ability...

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