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Just downloaded this last night, will put up a review at some point.
Great job! Now fix kineticist.
Just saw a copy of this, and I feel... not great. I enjoy some of the archetypes, and a few feats are neat, but the Shifter (the main reason I was planning on picking up the book) seems lackluster. While not TERRIBLE in the same way Kineticist without 3pp is, a class that has one niche and is outdone in that niche by many other options never fails to make me sad. You can literally be a better shapeshifter by being a Druid or Beastmorph, and you can even outdo a Shifter by being a Hunter and blowing your pet's brains out. Once again, not the worst class that's been crapped out in an official Paizo publication, but quite dissapointing to me. Even the cool ooze archetype falls victim to poor word choices that make it almost unplayable in some campaigns.
Best blog post of this year by a long shot.
The Blood Alchemist and Elder Mythos Cultist sound really interesting! I hope they'll actually be playable.
Gurp growls and lowers his sling, but doesn't put it away. "Oh? What you know of Swamp? Please enlighten Gurp. Clearly Gurp dealing with Swamp mojo expert." He glares at Mort, then turns his glare to Ronk and back again. He finally sets it back on the lizard. "Listen to what Gurp about to say. Maybe you not enemy of Gurp. Maybe you be with litter-mate of Vorka. Maybe you super sneaky high class lizard warrior. Maybe you be Swamp speaker way better than Gurp. Gurp not know." "But Gurp do know some things!" Gurp grins at the lizard in a way that's far from friendly. "Gurp know which berries to eat, which berries that make you lose lunch. Gurp know best ways to care for slugs. Gurp know how to call for swamp fire and biting bugs and healy mojo. And Gurp know much more." Gurp's grin turns into an ugly frown. "Gurp know he need no circle. Gurp know that Swamp talk to him every morning, and sometimes when he trying to get work done. And best of all, GURP KNOWS HE NO FOOL. Gurp fine with you calling him vain. Gurp fine with you saying he rude. But Gurp not stand for being called fool! And if you be friend like they saying, you keep that in you head." Gurp spits in the mud to his left, and glares right into the lizards eyes, waiting for a response.
"Forget water, stupid cat! They in the reeds!" Gurp draws his sling and snarls in the direction of the lizards. "COME OUT AND FACE YOU DEATHS, LIZARDS! SWAMP WANTS TO HAVE WORDS WITH YOU!"
Time to write up that 40 year old man Magical Girl character I've been wanting...
Gurp jolts awake at Zeli's peck, shrieking loudly. "GAH! LIZARD ATTACK! YOU WANT PIECE OF G-?!" Gurp stops, looks around, sits up, and clears his throat awkwardly. "*cough*. Um. Ignore what Gurp just say." Gurp then folds his legs, closes his eyes, and begins meditating and communing with the swamp for his spells. A glimpse into Gurp's mind:
Gurp's mind goes blank, and he feels the energy of the swamp start to flow into his body. "Voices of swamp," he mentally calls out, "hear Gurp's cry! Give Gurp just tiny bit of you mojo, and Gurp will make good use of it! Gurp use it to kill lizards!" From the depths of his mindscape, Gurp hears a deep, gruff voice call out to him in an unusual dialect. OI, LIL GREEN F%@#ER, the swamp voice shouts from what sounds like far away. IF YA KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FER YA, YA'LL LEAVE ME F~#*ING LIZARDS ALONE. From the somewhere else in the mindscape, another voice, this one stern and feminine, calls out. Don't you talk to him that way, you old fool! He's the best we've got right now. Who cares if a few of your pets get killed, anyway? DON'T YA SASS ME, WOMAN! HOWS ABOUT I STOMP SOME O' YER PRECIOUS LIL SLUGS INTO TA GROUND?! Gurp panics for a bit and tries to stop the arguing, despite knowing that it won't work. "Please mighty swamp! Do not fight! Gurp still kill lizards, but not want to make big deal of it!" YER 'BOUT A THOUSAND YEARS TOO LATE FER THAT, YA LIL GREEN S+#!! ITS ALREADY A BIG DEAL! Quit being such a baby and man up, you whiny old loser! Here, Gurp. Have some spells. You've earned them lately! Gurp feels some swamp mojo flow into his form, and his meditating body noticeably grins. "Thank you, great voice of swamp! Gurp use it well!" Gurp's grin fades as he feels a wave of frustration come from the direction of the angry voice. LOOKIT WHAT YER DOING, YA FLIGHTY BROAD! YER GIVING HIM ALL THIS PANSY-ASS HEALING AND DEFENSE GARBAGE! YA KNOW WHAT?! F&$! IT! I DON'T CARE 'BOUT THE LIZARDS ANYMORE. KILL 'EM ALL, SEE IF I CARE. BUT IF YER GONNA DO IT, DO IT RIGHT! Gurp feels burning mojo flow into him, as well as visions of fire and vermin. Thank you, o mighty-!" Gurp is interrupted by the feminine voice. Look at what you are doing! You just gave a goblin fire, you dumbass! What is wrong with you?! LISTEN HERE, YA KOOKY BROAD-! Gurp quietly thanks the voices, then leaves the to their argument. Gurp stands up and looks for any tracks they may have left behind.
"Big deal. They take stuff? We always get more stuff! This teach you all lesson about keeping things-" Gurp cuts himself off mid-sentance, his eyes going wide in horror as he looks around the ship. "They...they take decorations. They take Gurp's decorations. THEY TAKE GURP'S DECORATIONS!" Gurp's eyes glow with a greenish, swampy light as he starts making violent gestures with his hands. "THIS IT! TONIGHT, WE REST. TOMORROW, WE KILL ALL! EVERY ONE OF THEM! KILL MALES, FEMALES, YOUNG, AND EGGS! GURP FEAST ON HEARTS AND LIZARD YOLK!" The glow in his eyes abruptly cuts off, and he seems to calm down almost immediately. He turns to Ronk. "Get up off floor, and quit making sounds like angry baby. We have our revenge. We need rest first." With that, Gurp falls backwards onto Squishy and falls asleep almost instantly.
Gurp and Squishy don't seem tired at all. Gurp looks around at his companions looking confused and slightly smug. "What with you? You tired? Gurp knows that feeling. Gurp was tired after first lizard fight. But Gurp get by just fine when others say 'No rest, Gurp!', so Gurp sure you can handle it."
"Bird right, cat. Gurp think you should maybe never try choose direction again, because you point at way we come just come from. This why you never ask invasive species for directions!"
Gurp looks up from the pile of mud he's searching through and nods at Ronk an Twitchy. "This very touching, Gurp happy for you two, blah blah blah. Help root through mud now! It not root itself!" Gurp rubs his chin in thought for a bit. "Hmm. Maybe it do. Swamp! Lend me you strength! Let muck help us look through muck!" Gurp waves his hands, and channels the swamp's power through the mud.
The mud in front of Gurp bubbles up, and forms the crude form of a goblin with slug-like eye stalks. Gurp claps his hands in delight. "Excellent! Gurp name you Sir Squishton! Now help Gurp look through muck, Sir Squishton." Gurp goes back to work looking for the cause of the haunt, along with his new minion.
Gurp looks from Ronk to Mort and back again while rubbing his temples. "Please tell Gurp one thing, Ronk and cat. How things end up like this? Stupid genes supposed to die out after time. How you still alive after this long? It luck? It muscle? Gurp think it probably just muscle. You should thank Swamp for giving you good muscle genes." "But!" Gurp says, pointing at Mort and Ronk with both hands. "Muscle not only important thing. Use brains Swamp give you! Alligator is strong, very strong. But also stupid! Alligator has tiny berry brain. But you know how alligator live so long with tiny stupid brain? It know what it can and can not do. Alligator see goblin, it try eat goblin. If goblin stronger than alligator think, it swim away. Alligator see dragon, it swim away or stay hidden. How is alligator, with stupid tiny brain, being smarter than Ronk and cat with big brains?" "What Gurp saying is be careful. Know you limits! Know when to fight, know when to hide in ferns! If half of Dread Pirates go away from fight, do not think, 'Oh! This okay! Ronk and cat have this! Nothing go wrong!' That not how you live to pass on genes. That how you die and have body swallowed by Swamp." Seemingly worn out by his speech, Gurp helps Medge poke around.
Gurp, who has been watching the fight from behind some ferns, covers his face with his hand. "Oh, for love of Swamp..." He walks up to the shadow, his face a portrait of annoyance, and starts calling upon his swamp mojo. He glares at the Shadow and spits at it. "Suck on mojo and die, nasty spirit!"
"No, stupid cat! We not scared of own shadows. We just not want be killed by other people's shadows! Use you brain!" Gurp crosses his arms and walks away slowly, so that he doesn't accidentally leave Squishy behind.
"Gurp might been able to fight it, but you say 'Oh no, Gurp! We no need rest! You maybe have enough mojo left from lizard fight!' Now Gurp can't fight nasty spirit. We need go!"
Gurp's face hardens, and he turns to his left and shouts into the darkness. "Spirits of swamp! Heed call of Gurp! We not want trouble, and you not want taste wrath of swamp curses! Leave now, and Gurp won't tell swamp you been naughty!"
Gurp's ears perk straight up, and he sniffs the air. "Cat and bird right. Something not right in swamp. It like swamp eat bad mushroom and have blood in stool. Keep eyes open!"
Gurp scratches his chin in thought. "Gurp not sure. Sounds like lot of effort. What in it for Gurp?"
Gurp sits back on Squishy and lets the others do the talking, all the while taking mental notes on all these new faces. Okay, so we got Bigdumb and Vorka the Second and bunch of lizards, Gurp thinks to himself. They maybe not want kill us yet. When bad things go down, Ronk maybe bonk four lizards before he get killed. Bigdumb probably be one who end up kill most of us, unless New Vorka have mojo too... Gurp keeps thinking about the ways the inevitable betrayal could get everyone killed and ways to avoid it. Every now and then he nods when Mort says something convincingly diplomatic.
She sounds interesting, go ahead and invite her to the party! Twitchy, your post reminds me that I need to update Gurp too. He now has more likes that just Squishy and the Swamp. He also cares about the baby Squishies and Dread Overking Squishy! Also you guys too, but he probably wouldn't admit it.
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The goblins, knowing what her stories usually entailed, ignored her and kept eating bugs and picking their noses. Mags, immediately becoming frustrated by this, started shrieking at them. "Mags say come! Story good! LISTEN TO MAGS!" She went up to he closest goblin and grabbed his shoulders. "Mags curse you all! Only lift curse if you listen!" She clambered back up her stare pile, and grinned as most of her cowardly cagemates came over and sat down in front of her. "Good! We start now." "There once was goblin! He name Gubs." she began, coming up with the name on the spot. "He, uh, very stupid! He walk in woods alone. But they not good woods!" She suddenly whipped around, staring right in the eyes of a random goblin, and started to get quieter and quieter as she continued. "They spooky woods! He look around, but it dark! He panic, 'cause he can see in dark usually, but not this time. He start screaming and screaming, 'cause it too spooky for him. Then he turn around and... "" she suddenly screamed, freaking out all of the gathered goblins. Most of them panicked and ran away screaming, while a few just curled up on the ground and stared crying. Mags laughed harshly for a few minutes, then walked away to go play with her favorite mouse skull, satisfied by a job well done.
Here's Mags, submitted for your approval.
To Gurp, total slaughter of the village isn't out of the question because it's horrible, but because it would take too long and wouldn't really benefit us. The time spent smashing eggs and killing innocents could be better spent killing Vorka II: Electric Vorkaloo! Or watching baby Squishies eat bits of leftover frog!
"Vorka has sister? That super interesting! Except not really. Why we care?" Gurp scratches his chin in thought. "We kill Vorka because stupid chief say he give us stuff. What we get from killing Vorka sibling? Lizards we not understand? Gurp not sure it worth the effort."
Well, lizard heart powers is still better than no heart powers I guess. Also, Medge's threat-boast-rant is one of the best things I've ever read.
Gurp takes a break from berating Squishy to whisper to Ronk. "Why you think you have to ask? Tell Medge all about it. She get mad and stab strange talking cat, we eat heart and get its strength! Medge get payback, Ronk get cat power and Gurp get food. Everyone wins!" With that, Gurp pulls Dread Overking Squishy from his pocket and places him on Squishy's head. "Dread Overking Squishy! Gurp beg you to help Squishy! Squishy very slow, and need strength of swamp spirit to get fast. Share you power with Squishy, and make Squishy fastest of all slugs!"
Gurp and Shuishy both double-move towards the lizards, one noticeably slower than the other. "You got something to say to goblins, lizards? YOU GOT THING TO SAY?! THEN SAY IT TO GURP'S FACE!"
"Irrelevant." Lolth says languidly, stretching out like a cat would in a comfortable spot. "Mortals mean nothing, if they turn from me I'll just torment them even more! They are an expendable resource, meant for my enjoyment, and I raise them up or tear them down as whimsy strikes." "Suit yourself, dear Lolth!' Babaki says, shrugging. He leans in close, and whispers into her ear. "But, just between you and me, mortals do have their uses. Where do you think demons come from?" Babaki backs off, and finishes off his steak. "This was a lovely chat, but I've got important business with the snack bar. Talk to you later! Come along, Verruckt." Babaki leisurely strolls in the general direction of the snack bar, Verruckt by his side. The monster looks up to his master, and says "Siré,̷ for̨giv̨e me͠ for ͞saying̢ thi̕s, ̡bu̢t͞ ̵I͘ ̧d͜ơn̶'t̡ ̨se̴e ͞why̛ ͠y͞ou͡ ͟t̕a̕lk ́t̢o ͢her̶. ҉Sh͡é's no͜t ͟e͘xa̡c͡tl̸y̴ ́g͘rea͜t comp͞a̕ny͞.̶" Babaki doesn't even look at Verruckt as he responds. "Verruckt, my boy, when you live on the same plane as that woman, you try your damnedest not to get on her bad side. Plus, she's a real looker!" Babaki stops at the snack bar to pile his plate completely full of raw pork, and Verruckt simply shrugs and swirls his tongue around his cup of wine absentmindedly.
Gurp finally looks away from the decoration he was trying to fix. "This stupid. It not stay strai-" Gurp stops dead on the spot, staring at Mort. "When this happen? Why is invasive species here? Why it not trying to eat us?!" A frown quickly forms on his face. "Wait. Someone say lizards?" Gurp quickly looks around for the lizards.
"Gurp sees no lizards. You sure you not just crazy?"
Babaki's theme would be the Clock Town music on the third day in Majora's Mask, and he would obviously be played by Nic Cage. No contest.
Babaki clung to the roof of the Grand Tent, his form that of a purple shoggoth with an oversized, leering clown head. He loomed over almost the entire Tent from his perch, watching the two beings in the central arena desperately fight for their lives. On the left side of the arena was Arkaidak, a bloated son of Babaki, towering over the arena in the shape of a four-armed red troll. To the right was Jerik, a banana-yellow vrock and the latest addition to the Grand Tent's impressive lineup of performers and gladiators. The stands where empty, as the Tent only opened when the mood struck its Master. The Lord of Teeth watched with mild interest as the vrock ducked and dodged away from his son's iron claws. His attention was fully gained when Jerik jabbed at Arkaidak's ribs with his talons. "No, no, NO!" the god cried as he oozed down the wall and slithered over to the pit. The combatants were momentarily paralyzed with fear as the god shifted from his shoggoth form to that of a short Orcish man, still with his trademark facepaint and unmoving grin. Babaki slapped his hand onto the vrock's shoulder, causing it to flinch. "Now, Jerik," the god said cheerfully, "I know you're new here, and that's fine! Everyone's a newbie at some point. However..." The god suddenly dug his nails into the demon's flesh, making it bite back a scream. "It seems you've misunderstood why you're here." Babaki shoved the vrock onto the floor, and leered down at him with his unchanging smile. "You are here to entertain me. Now, that jab? That was a good hit. It probably hurt like a b@~%$. But it didn't look painful, you hear me? In other words, it was kind of boring" The god turned to face his monstrous son, who at this point was standing completely straight and avoiding eye contact. "Now, Jerik? Look here. Watch me. Don't take your eyes off me for a second." The god manifested a simple club in one hand, and threw it into the air before catching it again. Without warning, Babaki whipped the club into his son's knee, making a sickening crunch and eliciting a scream of agony from the monster. As it knelt down on its injured knee, Babaki swung the club directly into the troll's face, completely crushing its lower jaw and spraying blood on the floor. The vrock watched, transfixed as his master brutally brought the club down on the troll again and again. The stupor was broken as Babaki spoke to him, not pausing his assault on the broken form of his son. "Now, the trick *WHAM* is to aim for *WHAM* where the bone is closest *WHAM* to the skin! This *WHAM* ensures that the impact *WHAM* isn't absorbed by the flesh! *WHAM*" The god looked down at the crushed remains of what was once his offspring, his face still a smiling mask but his eyes glowing with joy. "Thank you for your assistance, boy! You'll certainly be getting extra dessert this evening!" The Lord of Teeth turned away from the already regenerating body of his child, and stared the vrock right in the eyes. "And that's all there is to it, my friend! Did you get all that," the god happily asked, "or would you like another demonstration? I believe my boy's had enough for today, so if you need more help, you'd need to stand in for him." Jerik, still slightly stunned by the intrusion on his fight, silently gave its master a thumbs up. If anything, the god's smile got bigger. "Splendid! In that case, I must be off. I'm looking forward to your performance tonight." Suddenly, the god vanished in a puff of purple smoke, leaving behind a very confused vrock and a very angry sack of regenerating troll bones.
Time for some opinions! Some of which turned out to be not as unpleasant as one would expect. PC Gods:
Adriel: “Oh, now this is amusing. It thinks its a hero! How cute. You wouldn’t think someone of his age would still try and play the knight in shining armor. It’s gonna be a fun time making this one snap!”
Atheos: “I’m shocked this one hasn’t collapsed into a black hole yet! You’d think a god of atheism would just paradox himself out of existence, but alas! He’s still here. While the man himself is one of the most boring beings I’ve ever met, his existence is hilarious.” Cil'Dr: “Such a shame, this one. If it weren’t for his unfortunate reliance on others, I think we’d be the best of friends! As it stands, he is far too stuffy for my tastes.” Ishalla: “A lovely lady with an appreciation for a good set of fangs! What more could you want? Oh, wait! I know! A damn sense of humor. She also doesn’t see the inherent joy of tearing out a jugular, just seeing it as another part of the circle of life. Way to make my fun sound boring.” Michazra: “This one. Oh, boy, this one! What I wouldn’t give to mess with her. She’s so focused on her petty ambitions, it just makes me want to ruin her day! I’d love to be there when her world inevitably crumbles around her.” Osoro: “Taking the wonderful concept of a harem, and adding love to it? Absolutely disgusting” Scrapeknee: “Not gonna lie, I like the cut of this guy’s jib. He certainly keeps things interesting around here, and boredom is one of the worst fates this world could fall to.” Tharros: “This guy makes me angry just thinking about him! HOW DO YOU TAKE THE FUN OUT OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION?! I DIDN’T EVEN THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE! You, sir, are simply the worst.” Vortae: “I don’t know who this thing is, or why this thing is even here still. As long as it stays out of my way, I probably won’t start anything. Probably.” Zodaxus: “Listening to this guy talk is like chewing foil! I hate how he prances around, blabbing about freedom while making my favored toys question if they really want to keep having fun! I’d twist his wings off and shove them down his beak if I could, but I’m not dumb enough to try.” NPC Gods: Asmodeus: “I have never seen a stick so firmly shoved up anyone’s ass before. It is simply ridiculous, and not in the fun way. It’s funny as hell taunting him, though! I’ve recently sent him a gift basket full of half-succubus spiders, and I’m eagerly awaiting his response.”
Bane: “What do I think of Bane? Let me tell you. I am a being of wrath and fear, I take the form of a monstrous clown, and my tents are made of the still-squirming pelts of my enemies, and I think bane is trying way too hard to be evil. Tone it down, you dork.” Cyric: “I like what he stands for, but I can’t stand the guy. He’s an absolute dumbass who thinks he’s better than he really is. I’m considering becoming a Greater God just for the purpose of smiting him and getting him out of everyone’s hair.” Helm: “What is with this guy? He just stands there and watches the world go by. I’d rather just ignore him and hope he goes away, but it seems he’s not going anywhere anytime soon.”
Lolth: “A damn fine woman with an excellent taste in sacrifices. I’d like to enjoy her company more, but she’s also a horrid b+$#~ if you actually try and chat with her. I’m certainly going to keep my eyes on her…” Loviatar: “I’m no stranger to torture myself, but it seems like she’s taken it much farther than I. I’d love to get to know her better, but it seems she is repulsed by me. I have no idea why!” Mystra: “Could someone please tell me what the point of magic that doesn’t maim and kill is? Besides the spells that make you harder to kill, I see no point in the whole thing. The sentiment applies to magic’s mother as well, I’m afraid.” Shar: “Frankly, Shar bores me. She doesn’t take as much joy in what she does as she should, and it annoys me.”
Gurp glares at a wreath of swamp vines dangling from a wall, before adjusting it slightly to the left. At the mention of his name, he starts and turns to the other goblins. "Wait! It start already? Give Gurp a second!" He stands up straight, adjusts his mask, and clears his throat loudly before speaking. "This day, we make Twitchy and Ronk official mating pair. The swamp smiles on this! Twitchy and Ronk have good genes. May you babies have strength of Ronk and brain of Twitchy!" "To mark special day, swamp gives blessings! To Ronk, swamp gives gift of Gurp. Gurp use swamp mojo to keep Ronk from dying in battle. Be thankful! Gurp usually save mojo for Squishy, and healing stick for all else." "And to Twitchy, swamp give gift of forgiveness! Swamp remember that time with the baby Squishies. Swamp never forgets. Trust Gurp on this one. But swamp can forgive! And forgive it does. Swamp officially take back six swamp curses. That mean you have less than zero swamp curses! Thank Gurp later." Gurp removes a slug from his pocket and brings it to his ear. "Now we hear what Dread Overking Squishy say! Dread Overking Squishy say, 'Have fun on honey moon. Wink wink, nudge nudge.' Gurp not understand, but thinks it is blessing." Gurp turns to Medge. "That all Gurp have to say, for Gurp not really sure how ceremony is supposed to go. Gurp leaves rest to Medge." With that, Gurp goes back to attempting to straighten some of the decorations.
Gurp makes a bit of a face at the contact, but it quickly turns into a grin at Twitchy's words.
Gurp fishes around in his bags for the witchy trinkets. "Hmm. Goblin hand? Too rotten. Ruin mood. Goblin skull? Too tacky. Make Gurp grumpy during ceremony. Ah! These look okay. Not instantly make everything terrible." Gurp looks over his shoulder at Ronk. "Gurp not need you help this time, Ronk. Gurp have ship to make fabulous." Gurp focuses the power of the swamp into his grubby hands, and his fingers grow long and webbed. He scurries around the ship, climbing up every wall he can in the spell's duration and sticking grisly decorations made of dead animals on every surface. Vorka do terrible job decorating hunk of soggy wood. Gurp would scold her if she not dead! Gurp show her. Gurp make this most pretty of mating rituals! All be in awe of Gurp's decorating skills!
"As official best man, Gurp think this mating party need more slugs. Gurp say we fill cauldron with mud and slugs! We take best swamp bath in it!"
Gurp continues sniffing the air for a bit before looking at Twitchy. "Can't tell where it from, just that it far off." He turns to prod Squishy awake before continuing. "It probably stupid chief making bonfire too big or something. Probably not important at all! So Gurp say we do Twitchy's strange mating ceremony first."
"...Gurp is here, and will not sing."
Good luck and have fun, Twitchy! Now, I'm pretty much done with my stats. Behold! GURP 2.1: THE FINAL GURP:
Gurp NE Goblin Druid (Swamp Druid) 1/ Shaman 2 Init +3, Perception +9, Darkvision 60ft DEFENSE AC 18, touch 13, Flat-footed 15 (+3 armor, +1 shield, +3 Dex, +1 Natural) HP 26/26 (3d8+10) Fort +4, Ref +3, Will +8 OFFENSE Speed 30 ft Melee: Mwk Sickle +1 (1d4-1/X2) Ranged: Sling +4 (1d3-1/X2) Special: Spirit Magic (Charm Animal), Storm Burst, Hex (Evil Eye) STATISTICS Str 8 Dex 16 Con 14 Int 10 Wis 16 Cha 6 BAB +1 CMB -1 CMD 12 FCB +1HP Skills: Knowledge (Geography) +4, Knowledge (Nature) +6, Knowledge (Planes) +4, Perception + 9 (+11 hearing), Ride +13, Spellcraft +4, Survival +11 Feats: Toughness Traits: Big Ears, Savage Gear: Wooden Armor, Light Wooden Shield, Sling, 16 sling bullets, 2 magic sling bullets, Sickle, Backpack, Barbed Vest, CLW wand (1 charge), dead frog, necklace of dead dragonflies, a toadstool, a rock kind of shaped like a hand, a crude wooden shaman mask, 150gp (set aside for wand), 2 tree feather tokens, Amulet of Natural Armor +1, 50gp left over Druid Spells Prepared (CL 1st):
Shaman Spells Prepared [Nature Spirit] (CL 2nd):
SQUISHY 2: THE SQUISHENING:
Squishy the giant slug
N medium vermin Init. -1, Blindsense 30ft, Perception +0 DEFENSE AC 15, touch 9, Flat-footed 15 (+6 natural, -1 Dex) HP 16/16 (3d8+3) Fort +4, Ref +2, Will +1 Special abilities: DR 5/slashing or piercing, mindless, Evasion Weaknesses: susceptible to salt OFFENSE Speed: 20 ft Melee: tongue +4 (1d4+2 plus 1 acid) Special Attacks: spit acid +1 touch (30 foot range, 1d6 acid damage) STATISTICS Str 14 Dex 9 Con 13 Int - Wis 10 Cha 1 BAB +2, CMB +3, CMD 12 (can't be tripped) Skills:- Feats:- SQ: Tricks (Attack, Come Here, Defend,), Link, Share Spells DREAD OVERKING SQUISHY, DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND SLAYER OF HERETICS: Dread Overking Squishy
N Diminutive Magical Beast Init –3; Senses darkvision 30 ft.; Perception –2 DEFENSE AC 12, touch 11, flat-footed 12 (–3 Dex, +4 size, +1 natural) hp 13/13 (3 HD) Fort +3, Ref +1, Will +3 OFFENSE Speed 10 ft., climb 10 ft. Space 1 ft.; Reach 0 ft. STATISTICS Str 1, Dex 4, Con 12, Int 6, Wis 7, Cha 9 Base Atk +1; CMB –6; CMD –1 Skills Climb +3 Feats Lightning Reflexes SQ compression, slime strand, suction, Alertness, Improved Evasion, Share Spells, Empatic Link, Familiar bonus (+3 on climb checks)
Gurp's face scrunches up in annoyance. "Okay then. Gurp vote Gurp, Twitchy vote Medge, Ronk have panic attack, Medge try to change plan, Squishy say nothing, and Flamefinger just stand there and stare at wall. That very helpful." Gurp scratches his chin in thought, before snapping his fingers. "Gurp knows answer! Gurp ask most important baby Squishy." Gurp fishes around in one of his bags for a while, before pulling out a seemingly random slug. "Dread Overking Squishy! We need you guidance. We stay or go?" Gurp puts the slug next to his ear for a few seconds, before frowning and putting it back in the bag. "Dread Overking Squishy say we should eat frog meat and make camp. That not helpful at all."
Gurp looks over to Medge. "Well, Gurp's plan was more like shove mud into Gutwad's mouth when he sleeps until he dies to death, then take over Licktoads. But you plan good too! Gurp say we vote! All who like Gurp's genius master plan say 'Gurp have best mojo!' and all who like Medge's okay master plan say 'Medge have okay mojo I guess!' Gurp vote first. Gurp have best mojo!"
Gurp watches the affectionate display with a neutral expression, then ponders Twitchy's words for a few minutes. "Hmm. That good point." He scratches his chin before snapping his fingers. "Ha! Gurp have genius plan! Unless it go wrong. Then it not genius." He looks around at his fellow goblin heroes with a blank look on his face. "Now, before Gurp reveals master plan, Gurp has question. Any of you actually, really, truly like big Chief Gutwad?"
Gurp listens to Twitchy with a puzzled expression on his face. "Why we have choose one? We hide half the boom, burn house, have party, and sneak away with leftovers when they all passed out! Best of both!" Gurp make better chief than stupid Gutwad. Gurp actually listen to Gurp's advice!
Gurp looks at the frog thoughtfully, with something resembling respect on his face. "You good friend, froggy. You look after Vorka like Squishy look after Gurp." He then takes out his sling and fires one of the magic bullets at it. "Too bad you on wrong side! SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST!"
Meanwhile, Squishy does his thing and squirts acid in the frog's general direction.
Turns out, bringing slugs to a place completely infused with salt was a bad idea. No one died, but Squishy isn't talking to me right now.
"Ha! False swamp lady dead! Gurp calls dibs on her head!" Gurp fishes one of his magic sling bullets out, and fires it at the frog.
Meanwhile, Squishy does what Squishy does best and spits acid at the frog.
"Squishy! Back to Gurp! NOW!"
Twitchy calls to his comrades, "Be careful! She using knockoff swamp mojo!" He slaps Squishy's rear end with the power of the swamp, then moves halfway up the gangplank.
Squishy slithers up the gangplank with all the speed his foot can muster.
Okay, I'll give it a go. Keep in mind Gurp can't really sing all that well, what with his weird speech patterns and such. Gonna put horse away for a minute
Had good juju but Gurp lost it
Wishing Gurp was neck deep in swamp water somewhere
Drew picture said back in a minute
Gurp really want a swamp vacation
Cause now Gurp be neck deep in swamp water somewhere
Muck water wash over Squishy
Neck deep in swamp water somewhere
Wade in the mud water feels nice
Sung to Zac Brown's Knee Deep, except really off key and out of sync with the actual music.
Gurp looks up from his slug bag just in time to see the goblin skulls. He makes a rather unpleasant face. "How tacky! Skulls gaudy decorations. If Gurp no kill Vorka, Gurp give decor advice."
Gurp's eyes bug out, and he whisper-shouts to everyone, "HOLD YOUSELVES! THIS POOP FROM NASTY MONSTER HORSE!"
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