Maelstrom Tapewyrm's page

quibblemuch wrote:

Well, what do you all think? 11 days. Is it time to call it dead?

The thread didn't even hit 1,000 posts. Too soon... too soon...

It takes longer then a couple of weeks for a thread to die!

"That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die." - Dick Cheney

We were drinking ALL (DE)'s mate's home-made 'whisky' last night, which gave us a very good night's sleep, proving that weedkiller is GOOD FOR YOU!

In its house at R'lyeh dead Monsanto awakens from dreaming...

This example is fifteen years ago, but it perfectly encapsulates how my family doesn't listen to me.

When we moved back to Wisconsin we left our couch in Washington because I hate couches, so my brother helps us move our stuff into our new home and he notices we don't have a couch.

Brother: Hey, I noticed you don't have a couch, we have an old one, i̷͙͍̳̾͛̓ẗ̶̺̕ ̶̙̹͂h̵͉͙͒ȁ̷̧̠͈̏ś̴̹ͅ ̸̨͍̋̓͘á̶̡̖̳̈́ ̴̘͂͆̈h̴͉͇͑̚o̵͎͎̅̉̊l̵̩͈̻͝ȩ̸̠̇̇͑ on one side and it's kind of ratty because the cats use it for scratching, but you can have it, if you want.

Me: No thanks, we don't need it, but thank you for offering!

Brother: Are you sure? It's kind of beat up but it's still good!

Me: No thanks, but thank you!

Brother: Are you REALLY sure? It's only been sitting in the garage for a few months!

Me: That's okay, we've got a chair so we don't need a couch right now

Brother (getting irritated): But, it's only got ONE h̴̺̬̻͂̆̊ó̷̧̝̙͌͂l̶̳̲̈́e̶͈̪̦̾̈ in it, so it's no problem!

Me: No, we're good, that's really nice though, thanks for offering!

Brother (getting more irritated): I can bring it down for you,, it's no problem, and it only has the one h̷̠̹͈͉̝̩͔̞̜͗̅̄̆̽́̀͜͠ͅo̷̢̩̱̳̼̩̮͎͘ļ̷͈͓̮͈̩͊́̌͑̑̄͐̍͑̎́͝͝ē̸͇̲͙͇͍̂̉̒̈́̓̀͐̀̕͘͘͠

Me: I don't want your ratty f!#*ing couch, okay!

Brother: Well, you don't have to be a dick about it!

It's probably for the best. That couch sounds like it was right out of a Junji Ito manga (link is for non-gory but very unsettling horror manga; read panels right to left)

(Ours is the Cthulu Mythos variant of that AP, tho.)

Oh, that's the cleaning out the fridge part.

Man. One of the players on our NWN server is a full-on spam-stockpiles-in-the-basement-bunker, pile-up-your-guns-and-ammo, prepare-for-the-revolution-any-day-now, near-anarchist type self-proclaimed revolutionary. Any attempt to have a conversation about any sort of political activity or social change efforts results in him/her demanding that the only way you're going to actually change anything is with molotovs and AK47s.

I don't think I've had a conversation online with anyone who wasn't actively threatening me that scared me as much as this guy. I'd like to think our country isn't that far down the s*%&hole yet.

At least you know who to turn to when the graboids show up.

David knott 242 wrote:

QuidEst wrote:

Ooh, Alchemist class preview coming today.

So, I wonder what in that blog do we think people will freak out about? The already known elimination of spell-like extracts, or something else that we have no idea about?

Tumor familiars are now a mandatory class feature. And they sing.

Well a Goblin will be involved...

You're both correct.

The goblin iconic alchemist will have a tumor familiar.

And that tumor familiar will have port-wine stain familiar.

And the stain familiar will have a wart familiar.

And the wart familiar will have a halfling familiar.

And all 5 together gain skill bonuses and unlocks on Perform (Barbershop Quintet) checks.

AHHHH! Unexpected interforum teleport! {throws self around like ST:TOS bridge crewmember}

They keep trying to one up the Original Trilogy. Chewie seen with two bandoliers.

Someone get the CDC on the hotline now! This may be the start of a Code Liefeld.

CULTURAL TASTEMAKER OPRAH WINFREY REVEALED TO BE ACTUAL CANNIBAL AND CTHULHU HIGH PRIESTESS, NATION COLLECTIVELY SHRUGS
"Hey, she'd still be a massive improvement" quips bee-covered deep one-on-street interviewees

NOT-REAL-DOCTOR DR. PHIL NOW ADMITS TO NOT BEING ACTUAL PHIL; more on pg. 4

"I DON'T ROLL OUT OF THE GRAVE FOR LESS THAN 20K" SAYS RAND
Rev. Bucklebean announces Undead Ayn Rand fundraising appearance canceled. "We're looking into Hologram Bernie Madoff. Catering will be by Jim Bakker."

So would Hastur's cult use "Yellow" for rituals, sekrit meetings, and potlucks?

Maelstrom Tapewyrm wrote:

Maybe it was "C. TL tried to eat whatever was in the fridge, but he lost"? Now it has assumed his appearance and begun posting on the Internet.

Er, no. No, definitely not that last one. Definitely not. I have no idea where you got such a weird idea. Nope. Not a single clue. And this is certainly not a suspiciously copious and excessive denial, that's for sure.

>.>

Nope.

Not. At. All.

*Whistles in a definitely inconspicuous manner and wanders skitters away.*

{Fry squints} Hmmm...

Tacticslion wrote:

Whatever was in the fridge.

Since that's past tense do we assume you don't know what you ate or just don't care?

Maybe it was "C. TL tried to eat whatever was in the fridge, but he lost"? Now it has assumed his appearance and begun posting on the Internet.

I just want to create a golem headed chimera to scare the crap out of players.

Golem-ception chimera would be pretty horrific.

M'naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr...

Can I get a stab too? And my tapeworm? I'm sure Damiel would love to experiment on it.

Hey, thought you two were happy together! Be sure to update your eHost and OkParasite profiles... I'm sure we can find your perfect match.

I think I should also look into custom pins so I can finally get my ensign rank for my jacket.

{counts objects on Freehold's jacket} I only see fifteen pieces of flair. People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That's what the flair's about. {frowns} It's about fun.

Feta-smelling Combover

The "Surprise" Hidden in Every Box of Quisp Cereal

"The same fire the Dragon breathes. He shall burn by.

Oooooh yeeeah!

Snap into a Slim Jim!"

Obligatory Skyrim mod

...Feel free to post and comment on the greatest comicbook artist of all time. Share the love for Rob Liefield!...

Heya bub, I'm an "associate" for Don Gruff. The Billy Goat Gruff Family has long been a friend of bridges... be a shame if something unfortunate happened to yours, capisce?

Why do I not have a question to ask of you?

Deer Rouge Lorde,

Sorry about the confusion. I telepathically intercepted your question
and answered it before you could even think to ask it. You're welcome.

Best Regards
Wyrmy

P.S. I've been looking around in here, and you should really cut back on
the red meat. Also, look into more whole grains.

P.P.S. Remember that chunk of tropical fruit Bubble Yum you swallowed so
you wouldn't get in trouble with it in Mr. Hendrix' 12-grade math class?
Its scheduled to finally move out of here sometime Tuesday morning. Its
kinda eerie how it looks like a bust of cartoonist Jim Davis though.

Spanky the Leprechaun wrote:

Does it protect against male patern baldness?

(female patern baldness for dwarfs)?

Boldness is not a disease, it is punishment for not getting an A in calculus class.

I thought Boldness was a symptom of terminal Lawful Stupidness?

Oooohhhh, I think I ate something that's disagreeing with me......

Have you ever disagreed with something that was eating you?

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,

I think I'll go eat worms!..

Mmmm.... Worms....

Uh oh... {hides under couch}

<-- is all spiffed up.

I'm wearing my green Star Trek Original Series T shirt. ;)

{is red/green colorblind, assumes he is a ST:TOS "redshirt"} RAWRRRR!

Armchair DM wrote:

Pony Stalker wrote:

You look like my uncle.

Sho your uncle looks like Brad Pitt?

No my uncle likes to sneek in my room at night and watch me sleep.

Is he a sparkly vampire too?

Human, do you really want me to drop the echidnas on your head? I have a cage of them right above you. Never overlook the square cut in the ceiling.

Bwahaha!

I thought that was Ceiling Cat's murder hole.

wtf is sparkle?

Yahoo! answers

Maelstrom Tapewyrm wrote:

Woodraven wrote:

Speaking of werewoofs, Heathy, are you getting paid for your cameo in new moon?

Nah, they couldn't use him. During his screen-test, he made all the other woofs look like mangy curs, so they blacklisted him. Plus I hear Heathy is allergic to sparkle.

sucks to be allergic to the main snackage in area, probably a good move then

Heathy just hires a Tian Xian fugu chef to carefully remove the toxic sparkle.

Speaking of werewoofs, Heathy, are you getting paid for your cameo in new moon?

Nah, they couldn't use him. During his screen-test, he made all the other woofs look like mangy curs, so they blacklisted him. Plus I hear Heathy is allergic to sparkle.

Guys, you have not changed your avatars. I have no choice but to go on to the Erik Mona Day thread and say all zombies hate Erik Mona.

All you Mona-theists, bah! I celebrate SKR Day and All Teter's Eve, you insensitive clod!

We seem to be ignoring the tasty beef sheep in the car...

You could gnaw off the front tires on the car.

And I'll ignore that last bit.

Ah, selective perception of reality. You'll be interesting to autopsy, especially your mutated brain structures.

Maelstrom Tapewyrm wrote:

June Cleaver wrote:

Just keep fighting it, sweetie. The radiation will overcome you soon.

Or he might mutate into a giant atomic-powered fire-breathing monster.

You obviously have more faith in KC than I do.

I just have much more faith in Chaos to screw up other's plans. And kobolds are harder than cockroaches to exterminate.

Of course, liches aren't vulnerable to radiation, since we aren't technically alive. Once the fire went out, I was fine.

Augh, he's already mutated to green and one eye! And a brain tumor that gives him delusions of lichdom or being a lichen.

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

June Cleaver wrote:

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

taig wrote:

The nuclear strike I called over a week ago finally arrived.

No, that's the one I fired. Yours is the one that hit me.

No sweetie, that one was mine. It's amazing what people with nuclear passwords will do for me when I show a little skin.

Or threatened to. Old hag.

Just keep fighting it, sweetie. The radiation will overcome you soon.

Or he might mutate into a giant atomic-powered fire-breathing monster.

[Blue Öyster Cult]"Go, go, Kob-jira!"[/Blue Öyster Cult]

<Bursts up out of the ground>

Somebody said they were expecting a pinworm?

<Devours a poodle>

Who was that masked worm? So devilishly handsome, so erudite, so ravenously hungry... why he could be long lost brother!

What the? Hydrox cookies? ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Excellent. Unit D6759-897-34721A will be compelled to leave the house in 6.74 minutes to purchase the Unit's 138th copy of Catcher in the Rye. When Unit is clear of house, replace all Hydrox with stale circus peanuts. Also, empty the 5 sealed containers of bottled water in the refrigerator and refill with 1/2 Zima, 1/2 Crystal Pepsi. If time permits, put all toilet paper rolls in the dispensers backward.

I'm much more susceptible to the question "What do you want?"

Uh oh, Field Director KaeYoss is on the scene. Turn off all recording devices until he is gone, then resume Operation: Threadjack.

Much uncooperative data redacted

Unit D6759-897-34721A is again refusing to comply. Maintain Level 3 surveillance. Also, have agents steal all the left socks in the house, remove the tags from the mattresses, and replace all the Oreos with generic equivalents.

2

Oo-la-la! What a fine poodle you are. Would you like ze biscuit? Is very very good ... I make zem with ze croissant every morning.

{wanders in} My, zu are quite a handzome devil. {hails a taxi, er, dire poodle, and heads back out}

Rise up, rodents, and take back what is rightfully ours!

{Gates in from the Astral Plane following the 'Jackskunk Causality Violation'}

A queztion, leetle meece? If I hoppon zo infest-, er, sub-let a rezidence in a rodent, kan I join?

NO! Only Jack rodents can be accepted.

What is going on here? Slaads, critters, all kinds of beings without Jack in their name.

Oh, the golem-anity!

Jackin'! Where are you?

heads to his room to get his hammer

Lookz like zomeone needz to remove the adamantine ztave from hez tookus.

What about rodents?

{crisply snaps to attention} Vood jou mind a leetle churgery to be upgraded zo a Meece golem?

Jou vood also be required to partake constantly of zee Hungry Jack product family und drink twice jour weight daily in beer.

Hey, wanna go into my stomach again? Since that worked so well last time.

Nah, you're probably loaded up with anti-parasite potions, and I've still got a hangover from a group of drunken gnolls I just, er, left.

No one gives cookies to tapeworms anymore. {sighs}

Thank Jack, naked humans are gross.

BOO!

Naked Jackskunk's are like, way, way gross-er.

Hungry Jack® has heard something similar said about kobolds. Intersting.....

I've heard you can take Hungry Jack® biscuit dough, roll them around a freshly-scaled kobold, and bake at 350F for 10-12 minutes for "Kobolds in a Blanket."

Holy ****, you did not just do what I think you did. Stop it...that's it! I hope you can swim...

*Goes to the bathroom*
*Flushes*

Ha ha, I believe the punchline is "Where's my cookie?!"

Free! Free at last! Gods, I need a long hot bath!

Boy, there's a lot of crocodiles down here. Is that one ticking? And a small moon, too... That's no moon!- that's a Tarrasque! {casts Spell of Haul A** on self}