It's Not The Onion - It's Paizo!

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Basic rules are pretty simple, and very similar to "Battle of Surrender": Compose a news headline and, if you wish, sub-headline (no hard-and-fast rule on length limit, but within the limits one would normally expect of a newspaper headline/sub-headline). The last letter of the last word of the headline OR sub-headline (if there is one) must be the first letter of the first word of the next poster's headline.

Headlines must be CAPITALIZED, sub-headlines must be italicized.

If anyone wants to suggest some fun extra bonus rules within the first few posts to further distinguish this from other games, I'll listen.

EXAMPLE OF PLAY:

Poster 1: POPE TO ORDAIN WOMEN!
College of Cardinals: "This time you've gone too far, Frank!"

Poster 2: KREMLIN TO BE COATED IN CHEESE, BOILED DOWN INTO DELICIOUS "RUSSIAN ONION SOUP"
"Biggest in world, much better than French!" Declares Proud Putin

Poster 3: PIZZA THE SIZE OF THE LOUVRE RAMPAGES THROUGH ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE!
Local eyewitness: "Mama-mia! It's-a Karma a-comin' back-a for us!"

Et cetera. Now to begin:

DOMESTIC TERRORIST DARIA MORGENDORFFER, AGE 33, RELEASES BITTER, VIOLENT, OVERLY WORDY ONLINE MANIFESTO
Disgruntled Savant: "This world just keeps getting sicker and sadder. I thought it was bad enough in 1999."

[GoatToucher]

99 OUT OF 100 U.S. SENATORS AGREE: "MMM-BOY! THAT'S SOME GOOOOOD GRAFT!"
Pictured: Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) looks on, rubbing temples.

[Pulg]

MIDDLESBOROUGH BUTCHER, 46, SITS ON OBOE. OBOE INTENDS TO SUE.
Eyewitnesses describe him deliberately bending over in front of members of the public and appearing to concentrate *very hard*, and then hearing excerpts from 'Cats' emanating from the seat of his trousers, before the Police intervened

[GoatToucher]

DEMOLITION OF NATION'S SENSE OF DECENCY SET FOR LATE THIS MONTH
"Americans today just don't want or need it." According to one Trump administration official

[Ventnor]

Lieutenant Governor to be promoted to General Governor later this moth.
"That's not how state government works," confused state senator says.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

@Pulg: Remember, it's like "Battle of Surrender" - you have to start your headline with the final letter of the last poster's headline OR sub-headline.

HEAVEN'S GATE CULT RETURNS FROM CELESTIAL REALM!
"Nope, too late to apologize" declares beaming Marshall Applewhite from bridge of a steampunkized Hale-Bopp

[lucky7]

PRINGLES REVEALED TO BE MADE PRIMARILY OF SAWDUST AND CHILDREN'S NIGHTMARES.
"Is anyone really surprised?" says CEO.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

OGDEN NASH RETURNS FROM DEAD, REPORTS GOD IS "A PURPLE COW"
Poet retracts previous disparaging remarks about the Divine's form

[Pulg]

MIDDLESBOROUGH OBOE BUTCHER MAN UPGRADES TO BASSOON.
"This has the potential to be the biggest intestinal woodwind disaster since the Sascha Grey Clarinet Incident", Commented a doctor. "We would never, never recommend skipping the Cor Anglais stage."

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

EDWARD SNOWDEN SEEKS ASYLUM IN R'YLEH
Whistleblower cites privacy, non-Euclidian economic system, and less Evil head of state than US or Russia among attractions of deep-sea necropolis

[GoatToucher]

SECESSION PLANS IN CALIFORNIA STYMIED BY THE INHERENT STUPIDITY OF THE CONCEPT
"Is... Is this a joke? I've got the sixth largest global economy to run here, so kindly get the f#*% out of my office." Governor Jerry Brown (D).

[Pulg]

DEMOGORGON NEITHER A DEMOCRAT NOR A GORGON - NEW SHOCK FINDINGS.
A Scientificalist: "We appreciate that there's a close resemblance between Bill and Hillary, and a two-headed baboon with tentacles for arms, but more in-depth analysis has revealed that they are, in fact, separate species"

[World's Largest Katamari Ego]

AS PREDICTED, U2 FRONTMAN BONO'S EGO EXCEEDS TOLMAN–OPPENHEIMER–VOLKOFF LIMIT DURING TOUR, COLLAPSES INTO BLACKHOLE
Stunned scientists detect Infinite Guitar riffs in Hawking radiation, stoking public fears that future iTunes albums and greater Detroit may eventually escape

[GoatToucher]

"EXISTENTIAL MALAISE RUINED BY MILLENNIALS!" ACCORDING TO LEADING BABY BOOMER PHILOSOPHERS
"Practical problems like debt and underemployment make emerging generation too busy for the luxury of navel gazing self-absorption!" say experts from most fortunate generation in human history. "All their fiscal austerity and increasingly common combat military service remind me of my -DAD-!"

[Pulg]

DOOBIE BROTHERS-SHAPED MONUMENT DISPLAYING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS TO BE ERECTED OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE IN ALABAMA.
"If I ever have to chisel 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' into Joe Walsh again, I shall gnaw off my own fingers in protest first", said the sculptor.

[GoatToucher]

REJECTED NATIONAL MOTTOES FROM THE 19TH CENTURY ON DISPLAY AT LIBRARY OF CONGRESS
Included are President Lincoln's preferred "Sun's out - Guns out!" and John Quincy Adams' "No Fat Chicks!"

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

SINGING, GOOGLY-EYED EVANGELICAL PRODUCE PRAY FOR HEALTH OF "CARROT-IN-CHIEF"
Bystander at National Mall: "Broccoli...celery...gotta be...Trump supporters!"

[Ventnor]

SECRET CHURCH RECORDS CONFIRM THAT ST. MICHAEL WAS SECRETLY JUDAS
Pope Francis: "Whadda twist!"

[GoatToucher]

"TEMPER MERCY WITH CONTEMPT." SAYS PROSPERITY GOSPEL MEGACHURCH PASTOR
Rev. Thorton Bucklebean of Mobile, Alabama's First Church of the Blessed Free Market decries charitable giving as "Unamerican" in a reversal of Christian principles that surprises approximately no one.

[Maelstrom Tapewyrm]

"I DON'T ROLL OUT OF THE GRAVE FOR LESS THAN 20K" SAYS RAND
Rev. Bucklebean announces Undead Ayn Rand fundraising appearance canceled. "We're looking into Hologram Bernie Madoff. Catering will be by Jim Bakker."

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

DEMOCRATIC PARTY LEADERS TO REPLACE FEET WITH PINECONES
Tom Perez: "It will hurt less next time we shoot them off"

[Pulg]

FOZZIE BEAR BALD ON THE INSIDE, EX-WIFE REVEALS.
"He made me travel through his veins in a tiny submarine, too", court hears as $2.50 divorce settlement case enters its 15th year.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

ELVIS RETURNS, LEAVES AGAIN PROMPTLY
Revered singer says nothing, sums up reaction to current state of the world with twitch of upper lip

[Pulg]

YODELLING DRAGONBORN FOIL ARMED ROBBERY.
'"Fus Roh Daheedelayheehoo", they shouted, at which point I shot half way down the street and just lay there, staring up their scaly leiderhosen', said one of the arrested.

[lucky7]

DEMIJOHNS OF LIQUID NOW ALLOWED PAST AIRLINE SECURITY.
Says world, "What's a demijohn?

[Talonhawke]

NEW MUMMY REMAKE IN THE WORKS.
Hollywood insider says lack of ideas leading to remaking all of this years blockbuster films.

[White Deceptiqueen]

MICHAEL BAY WILL SHOOT REMAKE FOR TRANSFORMERS 8 WHILE FILMING TRANSFORMERS 8
According to movie studio spokesman. When asked for comment, Bay replied: "Bang Kaboom Boobies Racial-Stereotype Boobies KAPOW!"

[Pulg]

WHELK IN TUXEDO AND SOU'WESTER WINS 'BEST DRESSED WHELK OF THE YEAR' AWARD
Also down for 'Pipe-Smoking Whelk Of The Century' award, and Congressional Muddle of Honkers

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

DR. DOOM EXTENDS CONDOLENCES TO UNITED STATES AFTER 2016
"We have no elections to hack, here in Latveria"

[Blacque Jacque Shellaccque]

UNITED STATES EXTENDS SARCASTIC CONDOLENCES TO DOCTOR DOOM AFTER ALL OF HIS MOVIE PORTRAYALS
Scientists shocked by massive seismic readings, relieved it is only 300+ million Americans simultaneously Nelson Muntz-laughing

[GoatToucher]

GLORIOUS LEADER DOOM USES UNPARALLELED GENIUS TO DEVELOP LOW COST CLEAN ENERGY GENERATOR AND SUBSEQUENTLY OPENS THE PATENT TO THE WORLD IN THE COURSE OF AN AFTERNOON
American economy in tailspin. "Shouldn't have f*&$ed with DOOM..." note several prominent heads of state.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

"NORMAL" TO BE FORMALLY REDEFINED FOR 16TH STRAIGHT YEAR
Normal People spokesperson: "Gosh, perpetual mass-gaslighting sure is tiring...but OK"

[Ventnor]

KULT OF KARDASHIAN DISCOVERED TO BE USING MIND CONTROL MAGIC TO FORCE AMERICANS TO TUNE IN TO CERTAIN TV SHOWS
Area man: "So that's why we had to keep up with them."

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

MICKEY MOUSE FORMALLY ANNOUNCES PRESIDENTIAL BID FOR 2020
Nation's foremost write-in candidate observes: "I'm just as real as anybody in DC!"

[GoatToucher]

SELF MADE BILLIONAIRE ENTERTAINMENT MAVEN AND CULTURAL TASTEMAKER OPRAH WINFREY CONTEMPLATING 2020 PRESIDENTIAL BID
"Oh s!~@!" quips entire Republican party simultaneously

[Maelstrom Tapewyrm]

CULTURAL TASTEMAKER OPRAH WINFREY REVEALED TO BE ACTUAL CANNIBAL AND CTHULHU HIGH PRIESTESS, NATION COLLECTIVELY SHRUGS
"Hey, she'd still be a massive improvement" quips bee-covered deep one-on-street interviewees

NOT-REAL-DOCTOR DR. PHIL NOW ADMITS TO NOT BEING ACTUAL PHIL; more on pg. 4

[Pulg]

CALTROPFUL TOASTMASTER OPRAH WINFREY: MY LIFE AS A GIANT WARRIOR SPACE MOTH WITH FOUR, MAYBE SIX, ARMS AND A BATTERY OF SHOULDER-MOUNTED RACHEL RAY-GUNS

Also denies being full of caltrops; admits being full of rice pudding. Blames Ellen DeGeneres.

[Shambling Hemp Mound]

MARTHA STEWART'S SHOCKING, MELLOW CONFESSION: "BITE FROM OPRAH MADE ME WERE-CANNIBAL"
Freezers of 'special' brownies impounded as evidence in cases of missing Snoop Dogg & Willie Nelson

REGRETFUL FLAVORTOWN TAKES BACK KEY TO CITY AWARDED TO GUY FIERI; more on pg. 12

[Slaadish Chef]

TEARFUL FIERI ADMITS HE TOO WAS SHODDILY BUILT BY GENERAL MOTORS FROM ASSORTED ON-HAND PARTS
Rushed to emergency garage after overheating and snapped shifter cable

LOCAL SLAAD CONTINUES BUILDING ARMY OF WICKERMEN IN BACKYARD, CACKLING ABOUT NICK CAGE; more on pg. 9

[Ventnor]

ENORGIMOUS STILL NOT A WORD
Local man: "That's unpossible!"

[Pulg]

'HOOTERS' REVIVES FORTUNES BY MAKING HOOTING MANDATORY FOR BOTH STAFF AND CLIENTELE

Grunts, snorts and gurgles also encouraged; long, drawn-out ululating shrieks restricted to National Public Lavatory Day

[Ambrosia Slaad]

Enorgimous sounds like a Slaad Lord of something.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Uhh...is it too late to say "remember the rules?" It's supposed to be a bit like "Battle of Surrender."

[Pulg]

RIOTING SOCKPUPPETS GATHER TO DISOBEY CLOWN

'You'd be angry too if you had googly eyes and Limey's hand up your bum', said a spokesobject.

[GoatToucher]

"NEVER BEFORE HAS BRITAIN SEEN THIS MUCH FELT SPILLED IN THE NAME OF PROGRESS" -MOROSE HOME SECRETARY AFTER MASSIVE COUNTER-PROTESTS RESULT IN THE DEATHS OF OVER 35O SOCK PUPPETS.
"Oh my god! That was the funniest f&#%ing thing I have ever seen!" notes onlooker to the melee.

[Goblinbane]

STOP! DROP! ROLL!
"Study shows shocking results."

[Ventnor]

LOWER MANHATTAN USES MILLIONS OF BALLOONS TO PHYSICALLY RAISE CITY 50 FEET INTO THE SKY
"Looks like we're Upper Manhattan now," smug city council declares.

[Pulg]

SCRAPING BARNACLES OFF CARLY SIMON'S BOTTOM: A DYING ART

"Oi be the laaast of the true craaaftsmen - 'tis all on they computers these days", says Petty Officer Seth Quinge of Gosport

[GoatToucher]

"TIME TO DIE..." NOTES REPLICANT VETERAN ROY BATTY
Existential Angst the number one killer of artificial life forms