Occult Adventures Character Deck 1: Much Better than Bards

Thursday, January 11, 2018

You are feeling sleepy. Very sleepy. I'm going to count slowly backwards from 10 to 1. As I do, you'll find yourself relaxing and thinking of buying the Occult Adventures Character Deck 1.

You’re feeling spendy…

10. You will love it. It's much better than the Bard Class Deck. You're going to buy it again and again.

Do not think of Lem, my scurrilous fool of a half-brother! Instead, let us decorate your mind in your new most favorite thing: Me.

9. The deck contains the most important thing in the world. How could you do without the most important thing in the world? And it's oh-so-affordable. You could get one for yourself and one for each of your friends! And then another two for yourself and two more for each of your friends.

In mental combat, the size of one’s ego is all-important.

8. I am Meligaster. The singular most intelligent and charming individual you will ever meet. You can trust me in all things. Would anyone dishonest wear such a fashionable fez? As you can see, I am a master of wit and word, and a master of every creature I encounter. Including you.

So many helpful meat shields. I mean, allies.

7. I have many, many thralls friends. Every creature has a useful skill. I am accustomed to the finest of entertainers and the most unquestioning of bodyguards. On rare occasion, I even need someone in my retinue who can bend space and time. What are your uses?

Rivani believes she won our duel.

6. Even those who think themselves powerful are my friends, eventually. Rivani is able to pick up almost anything with her mind and wield it as deftly as you might wield a pen. If only she hadn't looked me directly in the eyes. Yes, exactly, these eyes. Look deep.

There are many sources of power other than gods. Me, for example.

5. Rivani and her ring, you might notice, are helpful for calling upon the power found within the heavens themselves. No, not the kinds with angels, but the signs found in the stars and constellations; the forces of fate and prophecy. A psychic who understands when and how to invoke their power, especially one who can call upon many different signs, can rewrite the world. As I have rewritten yours.

A mind without limits is a world without limits.

4. Sometimes it is necessary to get your hands dirty. Not mine, of course, but yours certainly. I'll stand right back here and puppet you about until the danger's past, mm? But don't worry. If you get hurt, I can put you back together again. Or at least a version of you.

Oh, look what wonderful gifts my friends brought me.

3. Oh, what wonderful gifts my friends give me, all on their own, without prompting. That means get me some gifts. Yes, right now. A second Occult Adventures Character Deck will do nicely, thanks. In the meantime, what have we here? Ah, a truly powerful tome for obtaining even more servants and some other trinkets. One truly nice thing about psychic treasure is that one's perception and ability to see the truth in reality gives you greater power. Never forget to be perceptive. Forget what I just said.

Honaire, I think this scoundrel needs a lesson in manners.

2. I am— OWWW!

Oh, knock off all that counting, whippersnapper. These fine folks aren't going to be gulled by your charlatan tricks. Honaire and I will knock that silly hat right off your head if your eyes so much as twitch this way. I was working marks since before you were born and Honaire here is immune to any of your tomfoolery. And you're not so immune to my cane! Sorry, dears. Meligaster is quite the rapscallion. Go on, now, and have yourselves a wonderful day.

Buy it again, and ag—! *CRACK*

Keith Richmond
Adventure Card Game Designer

P.S. Obligatory ancient joke reference.