"You know, Stig, I can fix up your old set of platemail. Hell, I might even do it for free."
"I'll chip in if needs be," says Beldan hurriedly, looking for a drink.
A young lass with crooked teeth hands Beldan a mason jar and winks.
Observing Tenser 'cleaning' Stiggy's armor with only a hint of a smile, Elgan joins into the party with the swampers as smoothly as if he's been there all along.
"Oo-ee! Naw dat's whut ah've bin lookin' fer chere!" The slight elf declares after snatching a jug from a swamper and taking a draught. He hands it back and there is a slight sheen of sweat on his forehead. But a $#!^-eating grin on his face.
"Not bad, not bad at all. But mah mam' kin make better. Course she has good clear stream water tah make it frum. But deh swamp-wateh do give it a dif'ren' taste."
Tenser: "I rike it! Rit rastes rike rhiskey!!!"
For Bushy Toe and Oso, whenever you're ready to go...
You've been running together for a couple of months, all over the Flaeness. Since your last debacle, as things lay you thought it might be expeditious to get out of there....whereever there was...
you find yourself chugging down the Hool on a paddleboat called the Leg Man.
The Captain is easily the ugliest gnome you've ever seen; Cap'm Quorkus; he's beardless, and has two bulging bony orbs on his bald forehead and teeth that....look like they may have been sharpened. He is covered in tattoos from multiple cultures of the south seas....He's a good enough sort though, and enjoys Bushy Toe's music, who in turn enjoys Quorkus' well-stocked cabinet.
Oso--Cap'm feels like he's just plain good luck.
The Leg Man is a paddleboat powered by the severed bottom half of an iron golem rigged up to a stationary bicycle that turns a paddle wheel...it has a crew of ten roustabouts who, having no sails to piss around with, content themselves with swabbing, carpentry, tarring and dicing. It's the laziest crew ever to ply water, but the least surly.
Among other things, the Leg Man is transporting 20 women who will embark on a deep sea ship to a Prison Colony on the Isle of Dread; they're transported wives for prison workers who have done their time in the dangerous logging camps and have been commuted to Farshore and given a bit of land to toil on.
Having heard rumors of much happening in Saltmarsh...a doughty crew of adventurers discovered that a haunted house was really the base to a smuggling ring.....weapons for lizard men....a slaughterhouse that held wicked secrets in it's basement....a small goblin army gathered around Fort Bale on Saltmarsh's western flank...
you decided it might just be a happening scene.
Quorkus: "Arrr! Warr be moy wee filler Toesies! Coom strum us a ditty, goood moy laddy! Ha har!"
Bosun Breedlove (an old superstitious human)
"Mark me! Mark me on a map! It's bad luck to have the fairer sex on board, deck or below's,....be it on a river or deep blue sea beneath the beams. Baaaaad juju! This pull will bring us naught but misery, I sooth. Mark me on a map! Sound it, aye!"
Just...felt it.....
A young lass with crooked teeth hands Beldan a mason jar and winks.
Beldan looks at the swamper girl … especially her crooked teeth. “Um … I have a girlfriend,” he says hurriedly, taking the bottle.
A young lass with crooked teeth hands Beldan a mason jar and winks.Beldan looks at the swamper girl … especially her crooked teeth. “Um … I have a girlfriend,” he says hurriedly, taking the bottle.
She says, quick as a quickling,
"what's that got to do with me?"
"Not bad, not bad at all. But mah mam' kin make better. Course she has good clear stream water tah make it frum. But deh swamp-wateh do give it a dif'ren' taste."
"That's the swamp tateys it does that. Miiiiighty peculiar tateys." answers a besotted gentleman.
"Naw Tenser me frien', dat aint whiskey. Tastes mo'e lahk,..." He takes another swig and smacks his lips, working his tongue around the taste. "Potaters yeh say chere? Don't taste lahk no tater juice ah never had." He takes another sip, smacking once more thoughtfully.
SUddenly he stops, looking into the open jug with wide eyes. "Naw. Dey wouldn'." He mutters.
"Funny taters yeh say?" HE asks the inebriated swamper with a weak grin. "WHut kinda taters zack'ly? Kin ah see won?" He asks as he carefully places the jug to one side. He looks just a touch green in the firelight.
"Them taters dance in little fairy circles when the moon is right. They's taters of odd habits, by even havin' habits 'tawl, I reckin."
"Iiiiiinteresting." Altai pulls out a coal stick and some parchment and starts sketching. "The, um, 'taters' are ambulatory, but only under the full moon? Fascinating..."
"Not only that, they walk around, dance and caper. In their eyes have little light rays thet come out of them."
Oso, the last hope of his tribe, the fittest and strongest boy ever to escape the slave jungles of the south, is busy with Lil' Jemima, the one wife not so bothered about waiting to see her husband in the Promised Land.
"Iza dun bin evureewhey wiv my man an' you iz dur prettiest flower I dun see fer men-knee a day. Why not cum an' see my bee-utiful sword."
His brilliant white teeth shine oh so clean at the unplucked flower. But then his main man always had a way with the ladies.
Oso shows off the brightly shining sword, Temeraire.
"Them taters dance in little fairy circles when the moon is right. They's taters of odd habits, by even havin' habits 'tawl, I reckin."
"Yeh. Ah reckin' yer right 'bout dat chere'." Elgan replies, very subdued. He is a distinctly attractive shade of turquoise now.
"Goodness gracious. This I have to see."
"Goodness gracious. This I have to see."
"Hey! Howcum you got all them feathers!"
Oso--she's digging you, you can tell; but she's playing the coquette.
"Fresh..." she says...
The Capm's Bull terrier (edit, not Aeredale terrier) wanders up; starts to growling at you.
"Leev dat dur coquette be an' warm my knee. Dee view be fur you an'me to share."
Oso puts Temeraire away quickly and keeps one eye the Capn's dog.
As the growling rises, Oso pulls out a ships biscuit, knocks it against the wood, making all the black weevils pop out, then lobs it at the beast. "Dur you go, cur!"
"Ah, yes, the feathers... I've had the bad fortune to be cursed by a malicious statue." Altai is obviously rather unhappy about this. "I have some ideas about how to get rid of the damned things, but until then... Until then, I guess I'm a duck-man, or something like that." He slugs another shot of distilled whatzits.
"Leev dat dur coquette be an' warm my knee. Dee view be fur you an'me to share."
Oso puts Temeraire away quickly and keeps one eye the Capn's dog.
As the growling rises, Oso pulls out a ships biscuit, knocks it against the wood, making all the black weevils pop out, then lobs it at the beast. "Dur you go, cur!"
He eats the biscuit, smacking heartily.....gulps it down....then starts growling again.
"Ah, yes, the feathers... I've had the bad fortune to be cursed by a malicious statue." Altai is obviously rather unhappy about this. "I have some ideas about how to get rid of the damned things, but until then... Until then, I guess I'm a duck-man, or something like that." He slugs another shot of distilled whatzits.
One guy..."Yeah.....let it roll off your back...."
another guy...."sheddup, Festus."Jody: "so, what now, fellers? I mean, in 2 days, when that Celeneshine wore off."
"Leev dat dur coquette be an' warm my knee. Dee view be fur you an'me to share."
Oso puts Temeraire away quickly and keeps one eye the Capn's dog.
As the growling rises, Oso pulls out a ships biscuit, knocks it against the wood, making all the black weevils pop out, then lobs it at the beast. "Dur you go, cur!"
Quorkus: "Oso! Koindly abstain off fraternizin' with the contract wives as are bespoken for in lawful consideration o' holy matrimony...(to his dog) good boy, Otiluke!"
Bosun Breedlove scratches his old, baggy, splotchy cheek...
"Baaaaaad juju, havin so many of the fairer sex aboard....baaaaad juju."
He makes a holy sign of Pelor....
She says, quick as a quickling,
"what's that got to do with me?"
"Uh..." he takes a drag of moonshine. "Nothing at all!"
"Ah, yes, the feathers... I've had the bad fortune to be cursed by a malicious statue." Altai is obviously rather unhappy about this. "I have some ideas about how to get rid of the damned things, but until then... Until then, I guess I'm a duck-man, or something like that." He slugs another shot of distilled whatzits.
~swig~
~gulp, gulp~
"Hehe, duck-man!"
Hey,...if anybody wants to p.c. one of the crew aboard the Leg Man for fun and giggles,...make up a name and a description and talk to Oso and/or the hobbit when he shows up;
It's not a homework assignment or anything...
Jody: "so, what now, fellers? I mean, in 2 days, when that Celeneshine wore off."
"Well, now that Jag Doom's dead, the goblin army will start losing its motive force, and once we take care of whatever's in that lizardman village, they'll lose their weapons conduit as well. After that, Fort Bale should be relatively safe, especially if we cansnuff a few more goblin leaders as well. After that, I guess we go back to Saltmarsh again. Or back in the double-wide - thee seems to plenty of weird goings-on in there." He scratches his feathery beard. "Sometime during all that, I'll also get rid of the thrice-damned feathers."
"Sounds like you got this all thought out," says Jody.
Festus says, "yeh...yew really ain't a bird brain..."
"Ah, yes, the feathers... I've had the bad fortune to be cursed by a malicious statue." Altai is obviously rather unhappy about this. "I have some ideas about how to get rid of the damned things, but until then... Until then, I guess I'm a duck-man, or something like that." He slugs another shot of distilled whatzits.~swig~
~gulp, gulp~
"Hehe, duck-man!"
~Swig~
"Heheh,..."
"Yeh, He quacks me up!"
Jody: "Damn, Festus...you gutya new friend."
They all laugh; Festus grins at Elgan....one of those "humans with one brown tooth in his head" smiles.
Jody then says, "well, I reckon you guys could take one of our dugouts and go kill them lizardf~@$ers. I don't give one cut shit."
~swig~
~gulp~
“Quack me up .. good one …”
~swig~
~gulp~
“So, thesh lizard guys? Are they dansherous?”
"Well, they...It used to be the usual thing...you're fishing on my sacred lake so I'm gonna stab you and eat your liver...no you ain't...there's a discussion.....then somebody kills somebody....then there's a truce meeting and somebody gives somebody a present, and there isn't a feud....but, they're kinda getting really gnarly anymore I reckon."
"I don't quite get the weapons thing if they are that primitive. The pirates were delivering metal armour, underwater crossbows, the works. What were they expecting back, seashells? Something bad must be cooking down there. Do they also have new leadership?" He takes another swig. "Now, where can I see one of those swamp tater things? Once we kill those lizardmen, obviously?"
"Ye fellows ur talkin' funay. Ur ye sure ye can handle thes mince?"
*Glug, glug, glug*
*Cough*
"You gotta wait fer the full moon."
"I don't know 'bout their leadership, but....well, the tribe you're going up against....they used to live there at that town about....maybe 20 years ago, then they all left. Now they come back, about 6 months ago; I don't know...
We been avoiding them, and they don't try us here.
As of yet."
"Ye fellows ur talkin' funay. Ur ye sure ye can handle thes mince?"
*Glug, glug, glug*
*Cough*
One of them says, "Hey, Stiggy....thet girl over there, Zelda? She wantsta know if she still looks ugly." Zelda throws a rock at the guy.
"Weel it wood'nae hurt tae knock 'er teeth it."
They all look perplexed; one nods his head to the other one who shrugs "I don't know."
"Boy yew tawk funnih," says this old coot sitting on a stained sofa outside. On the ground. Next to a trailer.
~swig~
~gulp~
*hick*
“Ah,” says Beldan, tapping the side of his nose (but missing). “New bosh man I bet. It’ll be like a demon or a d-dragon or shomethin’ you’ll shee.”
<Sniffs Otiluke's ass.>
<Sniffs Otiluke's ass.>
Oh; you guys aren't on the Leg Man yet; Otiluke's ass is a good 50 miles and perhaps a day away.
~swig~
~gulp~
*hick*“Ah,” says Beldan, tapping the side of his nose (but missing). “New bosh man I bet. It’ll be like a demon or a d-dragon or shomethin’ you’ll shee.”
mwahahahaaaaaa....
Oso:
In his dreams, a Warmaid of Kelanen appears to him in full splendor. She opens a seal; he floats through and he floats as if on the ether.
He sees Kelanin fighting his Brother, the Red God, eons long ago on the Oldoinyo Lengai, the GodMountain. Their swords clatter and clash. Shards of broken steel, and of fully-formed swords scatter from the clash of the gods flying to the corners of the earth for men to find, and to make and master swords.
They fight for the right to court the First Queen...
And the red ochre people turn their backs on metal, for it is evil to touch, and return to their cattle.
And later, he sees two more gods, no not gods, something else entirely. Fighting on the GodMountain.
For both are cloven hooved, though one is obese, and hideous, and beast-faced; the other is black as the void, and horribly yet beautifully conceived; and their clattering weapons rain down swords and war on men everywhere.
And they too fight at the behest of a Queen.
<Sniffs Otiluke's ass.>Oh; you guys aren't on the Leg Man yet; Otiluke's ass is a good 50 miles and perhaps a day away.
Okay, but as soon as he's sees him he's gonna start sniffin'.
Altai throws down another shot of distilled something-or-other, before rising unsteadily to his feet. "F~@%it! I'm gonna go make something magical! Is there a forge anywhere here?" He scoops up Stig's old platemail and starts dragging it in some random direction. "Magic, I tell ya! Magic!"
Oso bolts upright, sweat pouring down his shiny face. He looks around for his main man and wakes him too.
Then he gabbles out everything he has just seen.