Hmm, interesting item that plays with some interesting rules. Really like "codex" in the name, though "soma" doesn't really speak to me.
I think the big problem you have is you spend more time discussing how it can be used (transferring it into a tattoo) before getting to what it does (using spells from the book in place of his own spells). I think there may also be a few mechanic issues -- what happens if the spell isn't on my spell list? I'm not sure if you meant for me to be able to cast any wizard spell by any arcane caster. (And actually, I might argue they could be cast by ANY caster -- it only notes that the color changes when held by an arcane caster, not that it can only be used by an arcane caster, though I think that's what you intended.) If you did mean that, it's a pretty powerful ability. I think that would make it almost a must-have if I'm playing any other arcane casting class other than wizard, this is one of the first things I'm getting. Being able to cast any spell on the wizard's list (once I get it into the book) even at the cost of two spells of that level seems really strong.
I think you could also add a bit more description. For an item that's pretty colorful, it's not the most memorable -- "This book appears to be ..." is a very passive lead in that doesn't really grab me, though you certainly tried to do something neat with the changing color.
Thank you Jacob for your review. You do bring up some excellent points, but I can answer a couple of concerns.
First, when I created the item, I considered it's ability to meld into a caster's flesh to be it's primary feature, while you consider it's spell option to be so (and I can see why). I felt the spell option was more secondary because it is only a 1/day power, which I felt shouldn't unbalance it much.
Second, the description of the Codex Soma says, "When an arcane caster holds the book and speaks the command word, it melds into the holder's flesh..." so that should define it as being for arcane casters only.
Third, you are correct in pointing out the potential for abuse (though it would certainly be expensive abuse) of this item. In order for a non-wizard arcane caster to truly take advantage of this though, it would mean that he/she would need to 1. acquire a Codex Soma, either by winning it from a rival wizard (in which case it may have spells in it), by purchasing it for at least 10800gp (in which case it is empty when they receive it), or if they have the appropriate feats and spells, to construct one for 5400gp (also blank).
If it is blank, they they have to go about purchasing the spells to enter into it. In the description of Adding Spells to a Wizard's Spellbook, it appears that this is something that is specific to wizards (and presumably magi, and alchemists in their own way), but this is open to interpretation. Can a bard learn a spell from a scroll, then go about copying it into a spellbook?
Let's assume that hypothetically they can do so, or have a friendly wizard who would assist them in this endeavor. So this means that said arcane caster can then spend their time and gold to fill the spellbook with wizardly spells in order to have the capability of once per day expending two of his/her own spell slots to cast a single wizard spell.
I think you're are right; that this does have some marginal potential for abuse, though I don't really see it as terribly unbalancing, since I'm certain there are better ways for non-wizard arcane casters to spend their time and gold. I also agree with your feedback about the description, which is something I will strive to do better on for my submission in next year's competition. Thanks again for the feedback. You've given me quite a bit to think about.
I think those are probably a good couple points for us all to be aware of, Tivilio.
I think going with the most exciting power first is generally the key. Sometimes people are going to differ on what's more exciting, but definitely something we all need to keep in mind.
Then, you wrote arcane caster and thought people would read it to me it only worked on arcane casters, but I either read over that or thought it was an oversight and wondered about divine casters (I don't recall which one now, though thinking about it honestly it was probably the former -- perhaps trying to get through too many items at once? Still that's going to be true of a lot of people in the voting).
Finally, as I think we saw from Jacob 1's ghoulslayer gloves (on the first page), concerns about balance may be something to be really aware of. You* may have done all the math and discovered that it's probably fine, but for the purposes of this contest, we don't know if everyone else is going to do the same. I'm pretty invested, but truthfully, I'm probably going to go with my gut feeling more than a studied breakdown and analysis. I'd say the lesson is if there's a risk of something feeling broken -- even if your playtesting and analysis indicates it's not -- it may not be a good choice to submit for the contest.
* This is meant to be a general "you," not specific to you, Tivilio.
Violet Magician, I'm sorry to say that your Mirror of Trapped Knowledge has a critical, glaring flaw that very likely resulted in it not making the cut - no matter how neat the idea was.
Your price is 200,000gp.
This alone isn't a submission killer, though it very often warns the item is far more powerful than it needs to be. However, what kills the item is that your item grants a +3 bonus, 3/day, and a 6nd level spell 1/day.
That power doesn't match up to the price at all, and it shows that either a) you didn't pay attention to the important detail allowing it to be a mistake, or b) don't understand how price versus power works.
You include all the requirements and powers for trapping a genie, but you don't have it do anything. All it does, literally, is increase the cost. What this item really should cost is:
legend lore (6*11*2000 + material cost 50*50=134,500) * 1/day (1/5) = 26,900
3+ bonus to one knowledge skill (900gp) * 3/day (3/5) = 540 +50% = 810
And multiply by 10 knowledge skills... 8,100gp
Total, this should cost a nice even 35,000gp for the mechanical effects, which means the other 165,000gp you list your item requiring is purely flavor. And considewring that's more than an entire 13th level character's inventory - it's not worth it.
You absolutely *must* pay more attention to the scope and mechanics of your item.
I'm first going to give feedback for the top 89 that didn't make it that have requested feedback. I think that might be most helpful. Not till tomorrow night, though. I've been finishing up archetypes :)You've probably been busy recently, but is there any chance the top 89 will get feedback from you, Clark?
Now that the contest is done, I was wondering about this in particular. My item was top 89, and I did get community feedback, but was waiting to hear from the judges themselves. Being in the top 89, it was the judges critique that kept me from top 32, so I would like to know what I needed to improve on to be ready for next year.
If it helps, HERE is the link to my item.
Now that a lot of the buzz has died down, I'd like to submit my item for consideration.
Seppuku Blossom
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 6th
Slot none; Price 7,200 gp; Weight –
Description
These fragrant cherry blossom buds are occasionally found growing near the graves of legendary samurai. They may be plucked and kept indefinitely in bud form, and they only bloom when held in the hand while meditating or praying for one hour. After blooming, these flowers may be worn in a creature’s hair or affixed to armor or clothing, where they last for twenty-four hours before withering and dying.
When worn in this manner, a seppuku blossom grants its wearer a +4 morale bonus on all saving throws. Only one seppuku blossom may be worn at a time.
A samurai wearing a seppuku blossom may spend all of his remaining uses of resolve to remove the blossom, crush it in his hand, and release the petals to the wind as part of a challenge. When released, the petals spin and multiply, swirling lazily around the samurai and his opponent. If his opponent’s hit points drop to less than half of its total health at any time during the duration of that challenge, that creature must make a DC 20 Will save or be immediately reduced to one hit point and considered helpless. The next attack the samurai makes against this foe is considered an automatic critical threat as if his weapon possessed the vorpal quality. If the creature successfully saves, the effect is ended and the petals disappear.
The seppuku blossom has no effect against mindless creatures, creatures that are immune to critical hits, creatures that are not at risk of death from massive damage, or when used in any manner not described above.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bless, circle of death, hold monster, keen edge, true strike; Cost 3,600 gp;
Hey Bryan,
First of all, your template use looks spot-on and I personally liked the links (though actually, I can't tell whether your commas might be italicized; if so that's a no-no), but I think you have a few other problems here that probably worked against you.
I like the name, but I'm not sure it really tells me anything about what the item does. Seppuku is a ritual suicide, but this seems to be causing harm to an opponent. It feels disjointed to me.
I think you also fall into a couple traps here:
* Not only is this a very class-specific item, but it's also one of the "Asian" classes, which I'm not sure are widely popular. I think right off the bad you're limiting your audience that way.
* Secondly, you lead off with an unexciting power. I understand why you did it, but my first impression of the item is it gives me a bonus to saves so I'm somewhat predisposed against it right there.
* I think people are also somewhat biased against items that have more than a couple spells (or feats, for that matter) as requirements. It feels clunky. Adding to that, your list of spells require me to multiclass as everything is arcane spells except bless. Considering this is an item for a samurai it feels even odder to me, since it means a samurai can't actually make it. I might instead of have just used the resolve or challenge abilities as requirements.
Some other thoughts that occurred to me:
* Your opening graf feels almost like a backstory. It's not quite, but considering you've got Craft Wondrous Item as a requisite -- meaning someone actually makes these -- it's odd to then have them just growing naturally. I did like using the blossom as a base item, though, and liked the description/concept of them opening up to be used.
* I think your main power is way too much. First of all, this is a relatively low-cost item, so I'm going to get it early on. That means using up all my resolve might mean no more than two uses -- one of which I'll get back if I defeat the opponent. Something I'll almost certainly do with this magic item. So the cost feels fairly trivial to me.
And then the effect is basically save or die. I'm always going to save this for my BBEG. If I'm using this against something that has 200 hit points, you're letting me get away without doing 100 hit points potentially. Now, you might say anything with 200 hp should be able to make a DC 20 Will save, but a 20th-level fighter only gets +6. Assuming he hasn't sunk his Wisdom and has a +4 cloak of resistance, he's got only a 50/50 chance to make that save. It's just too much. And that's all for 7,200 gp, which would be nothing when you're high enough to face that 20th-level fighter.
I think you've got the visuals idea down pat -- the images you've evoked are great, but I'd work on trying to be a little more mainstream and think of balance issues.
I found the seppuku reference disjointed too. It jarred with legendary samurai - samurai in disgrace or dishonored would commit seppuku, so it would seem unlikely that flowers would grow on their graves.
It also suffers from one of the same issues I hit this year with my item, that being the general voting public seem to dislike single class items with some vehemence.
Some other things you might want to think about - a flower is a plant, so it would like be affected by plant affecting spells?
I found the spell list quite long in the construction and had to really work through them to see how they contributed to the affect - for one, I think you could drop the true strike.
Bless made sense for the saving throws, but I think as a blanket all saving throws, I would make it no more than +2, +4 is more a targeted saving throw bonus for me. As the price of the item is quite low, a +4 to all saves which equates to around an 8 character levels boost in saves is too much at this price level.
Keen edge explains the vorpal.
Hold Monster explains the helpless - BUT, if I have a helpless creature, then I can just Coup de Grace it and therefore don't need the auto critical part of the effect. That's why I think you can drop the true strike.
Question: Lazily swirling petals - around the combatants - why can't I just catch them so they don't affect me?
Seppuku Blossom
I did not like the name...and it was completely because of the seppuku reference. Then when I read it, I disliked it even more because of the same reason.
Especially if you are gearing this towards a class where the people likely to play it have a high level understanding of the terms/culture of Asia and Japan.
I applaud your effort on describing where they grow, the meditation/prayer growth, and wearing it in your hair. Having said that...it is a LOT to go through for this.
Waaaaaay to overpowered for the price. Like it has been mentioned, it is nigh impossible for an enemy to NOT be killed or reduced to 1/2 hp in any battle. This will pretty much always be effective. This is a restriction that isn't really a restriction.
You've got pretty good writing chops as the imagery you invoke is pretty vivid.
Agreed, the first power should be the one in your 3rd paragraph. In fact...it should probably be the ONLY power because of how powerful it is. I think you tried to compensate for people who would be afraid to use all of their resolve by giving them a +4 bonus at all times...but that doesn't need to happen. It should force a choice for the people using this item on when to use it.
If the creature is helpless...shouldn't we use the Coup de Grace rules instead of giving the next attack a faux-vorpal quality? That also takes care of needing to explain any DC's and saves wordcount.
The requirements list is long...especially if you went the single power and Coup de Grace route you could cut out some of these.
Overall this didn't do it for me. You had good writing and a cinematic idea, but the issues that arose from power, pricing, and mechanical-ness made it so I didn't vote for this often.
Tremendous feedback, guys. I was completely oblivious to a lot of the things you mentioned. Thank you for your honest critiques!
I will take them to heart and hopefully do better next time :)
Feel free to do a rewrite and post it here. The Blazing 9 thread!
Since the thread is not long dead, i'll post the item i submitted and see what you guys thought of it. If the judges would be so kind as to post what they thought at the time (if they kept their notes:)), that would be great too!
Here it is:
Golden Monkey of Greed
Aura moderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 17,500 gp; Weight 20 lbs.
Description
This life-sized golden statue of a Tiny monkey is sitting with is mouth opened, waiting to be fed. Putting a gold piece in its mouth, which is a standard action that provokes an attack of opportunity, has two effects.
The first effect is the activation of the statue for 1 minute. Once activated, it becomes a Tiny animated object with a hardness of 5 and 20 hit points. It can be ordered to use its Disable Device skill to open a lock or disable a mechanical trap, using a total modifier of +10. Likewise, it can be ordered to use its Sleight of Hand skill to steal an item from someone, using a total modifier of +10, and bring it back to the person who activated it. After 1 minute, the golden monkey of greed return to its original state and cannot be activated again for 1 hour.
The second effect sends the gold piece in a chest specifically created for this purpose. The cost of such chest can never be less than 5,000 gp. The chest can be linked to multiple golden monkeys of greed, as long as they have the same creator. The creator is than free to collect the gold pieces amassed by his monkeys anytime he wants, but the chest cannot hold more than 20,000 gp. Any extra gold pieces are lost.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, pilfering hand, secret chest; Cost 8,750 gp
The judges don't actually look at all the items any more -- just the top 90 or so -- and have I believe only shown us their comments on the top 32.
Your template use looks good. The weight does give me some pause -- it kind of means I'm not likely to haul this item around with me adventuring, which I think is probably not great design-choice for this contest. Not a definite vote down, but something that raises a red flag for me, at least.
Mechanics-wise, I'm not sure you need Tiny capped in the first sentence. You rightly cap it in the second, when you're using it as a game term, but I think in the first it could be more descriptive. I'm not sure on that, though.
The item itself, though, doesn't do much for me, I'm afraid. It feels like a version of a real-life item, which is one of SKR's do-not-do list. Then too, the effects seem not super exciting. It does two skills for you and acts as a sort of gold piece bank.
Honestly, I'd guess it fell in the middle of the pack. I'd probably have voted for it against some of the items that I thought were just game breaking or didn't have any of the professional polish you clearly show here, but it just needs a bit more mojo, IMO. You may want to join us in the 9 Blazing Months thread, which is a great forum to practice.
181 items reviewed.
I'm seriously delighted to review this item. It has actually made my homegame along with the Abadar's money changer that charges 10% as gifts from the church of Abadar.
The Good:I love the idea of this, basically a magic item that charges people recurring costs for service unless they are in fact the creator.
The Bad Weight is way off for function and size, mechanics are a little awkward for the actual benefit basically its a little skill monkey with 10 ranks which is not that great by like 7th level.
The Ugly Idea was excellent, the numbers seem your weak point. +10 use of 2 skills isn't worth the money, its unclear if the chest where the money goes actually comes with the item, the weight is burdensome and there's no good reason for it, and it should and could do so much more!
Overall: While I use this is my homegame its an altered version. I took a monkey's stats made it tiny and gave it 1 rogue level. I also gave it a very limited ability to communicate in sign language. The chest and income goes to Abadar's temple but the monkey is actually a very good scout and ok trap disarmer. The party has yet to use it's sleight of hand, oh and its a pretty decent way to pass messages when the party semi seperates as the little dude can carry a note. Its high middling to me on the merit of the idea.
Being one of the fellow people practicing in that thread, my general thoughts on this is broken down as follows...
You have two effects. Neither effect is related or builds upon the other - so this kind of heads towards Swiss Army Knife. This would likely deter some votes from longer time participants of the competition who have had the auto rekect reasons beaten into them :)
For the second effect, you do not describe how it sends - assuming it is a teleport of the coin to the chest, for example, I would expect some sort of teleport spell in the Construction Requirements.
It is also an odd item in that in order to get the full benefit of the item, you have to get a chest for it, adding at least 5,000gp to the item price to get all the benefits. I don't think I have seen items that require additional expenditure like this before, so I think that may have put some voters off.
I also wonder if the second power is really useful, as an adventurer, I would take my gold back to town and deposit excess safely there (or more likely spend it). I also wonder if I find one of these, does this mean all my gold coins are going to someone else's chest? (Hmmm, so my bad guy makes a load of these, places them for finding and waits for his money to start rolling in...)
If you revisit the item, I think the second power can go - then look at that first power, what other things can a miniature mini monkey do? Could the size of the monkey helper be tied to coins for example - Tiny for copper and silver, Small for Gold and Medium for Platinum sort of thing?
I like the idea of a miniature helper, and have seen a lot of people playing in this area - potion delivery systems, drag my body somewhere safe creatures, messenger creatures and the like. It may therefore be another of those "gold coin" meme's.
Now the competition is open to public voting, you need to be much more wow than solid. I would say your presentation is excellent, but you need to work on the wow factor.
I hope some of that ramble is useful to you.
Thank you guys for the review. That should help a lot for next year. Now, if i can allow myself to explain on some of you concerns:
weight: i know it's heavy, but i tried to go for something realistic. A real monkey that size is about 8lbs. But then, it's a golden monkey, as in, made of gold. So in fact, it should have been a lot heavier than this, but i thought 20lbs was a good middle ground.
skills: i wanted it to be useful to party without rogue-like characters. So i gave it some roguish skills, but i didn't want it to replace a character (long term). I figured that +10 was sufficient for regular task (lot of mechanical traps have a DC 20 to disarm, so that's roughly 50%) but it not high enough to replace an actual character.
chest: the chest cost is actually the cost of the focus for the spell, so i just did not change it.
Overall, i tried for it to NOT be a figurine of power but really an animated object, more like a rope of climbing. I added the chest part to make it "special" to be honest, but i guess it didn't work out so well.
But still, it was a learning experience, so i'll try to be better next year!
thank you!
What's this?! Thread revival!!!
Name - Not really a fan as it is almost too simple...just like mine was. Plus... "Of" names just don't do it for me in general.
Weight - was also a concern for me. I couldn't see myself ever carrying this...even as a dwarf.
Chest - Mmm...so on top of the price you pay for the monkey...you HAVE to have a chest costing no less than 5k. While it generally wouldn't be a problem by the time you can get this thing...by the time you get this thing you don't really need a gold amassing monkey. Which then leaves the first use...a risk free trap detector/disabler.
I do like that you can link multiple monkeys to a chest.
The writing in general is a bit too straightforward. As Anthony can tell you, it's a fine line to walk in using descriptive language, but it IS necessary...doubly so in this competition.
I do remember this item quite clearly from the voting. It did stick out...but not in a way that made me vote for it.
Overall, it feels like something an NPC or a low mid-level sub boss would have. Like a crimelord of a city. It just doesn't really fit into an adventuring party, or a spying party, or what have you. I think if you work on choosing a design space that doesn't get minuscule (wealth grows REALLY quickly so having enough is not really much of an issue) as you level up and some descriptive language you could do well.
Also, I kept thinking of Nickelodeon's Legend of the Hidden Temple while reading this. The monkey idol thing.
Thank you guys for the review. That should help a lot for next year. Now, if i can allow myself to explain on some of you concerns:
weight: i know it's heavy, but i tried to go for something realistic. A real monkey that size is about 8lbs. But then, it's a golden monkey, as in, made of gold. So in fact, it should have been a lot heavier than this, but i thought 20lbs was a good middle ground.
skills: i wanted it to be useful to party without rogue-like characters. So i gave it some roguish skills, but i didn't want it to replace a character (long term). I figured that +10 was sufficient for regular task (lot of mechanical traps have a DC 20 to disarm, so that's roughly 50%) but it not high enough to replace an actual character.
chest: the chest cost is actually the cost of the focus for the spell, so i just did not change it.
Overall, i tried for it to NOT be a figurine of power but really an animated object, more like a rope of climbing. I added the chest part to make it "special" to be honest, but i guess it didn't work out so well.
But still, it was a learning experience, so i'll try to be better next year!
thank you!
I normally try and find three things to comment on, but I think it has been pretty well covered. SKR's design trap #22, and possibly #25 (though maybe that is because of theheadkase's link :) did jump out for me. Remember if you have to answer the question about your writing the item becomes unavailable to GMs & players (& now voters :) who will not get a chance to ask them. I'd love to see a rewrite in the Blazing 9 :)
Marathon Voter Season 6
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Started brainstorming my entry for next year and realized I never posted my item to this thread. In the hopes people are still looking:
Skein Helm Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 9th Slot Head; Price 15,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs. Description This steel helm features a goose in flight emerging from the brow. Once per day the wearer can activate the helm to transform himself and up to five willing targets into geese as beast shape I for nine hours (use stats for vultures). While transformed all targets are under the effect of an overland flight spell and may use know direction at will. Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape I, know direction, overland flight; Cost 7,500 gp
Note: It was properly formatted, it just didn't survive my copy paste into this thread.
Started brainstorming my entry for next year and realized I never posted my item to this thread. In the hopes people are still looking:
Skein Helm Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 9th Slot Head; Price 15,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs. Description This steel helm features a goose in flight emerging from the brow. Once per day the wearer can activate the helm to transform himself and up to five willing targets into geese as beast shape I for nine hours (use stats for vultures). While transformed all targets are under the effect of an overland flight spell and may use know direction at will. Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape I, know direction, overland flight; Cost 7,500 gp
Note: It was properly formatted, it just didn't survive my copy paste into this thread.
The Goodprice for effect is pretty sweet, I can see the utility, I alos like its a helm.
The Bad Name fail, and the description is ho hum.The Ugly The concept just isn't a superstart concept. It lacks theatre because the moment the heroes change into geese to save walking time means they aren't getting ambushed by the bandits in the woods or really doing anything interesting, they are justg getting form A to B.
Overall I like utility items but if its against something with more pinache this is goign to lose. Great for a book of magic items but middling to lower middling for me, name just pushes it further down.
Skein Helm
Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 9th
Slot Head; Price 15,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This steel helm features a goose in flight emerging from the brow. Once per day the wearer can activate the helm to transform himself and up to five willing targets into geese as beast shape I for nine hours (use stats for vultures). While transformed all targets are under the effect of an overland flight spell and may use know direction at will. Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape I, know direction, overland flight; Cost 7,500 gpthe bolding was lost in copying from my tablet but it was done all proper in the voting I assure you
You did actually post it back in January, and had at least 8 critiques. :)
Taking devil's advocate on this comment...
"It lacks theater because the moment the heroes change into geese to save walking time means they aren't getting ambushed by the bandits in the woods or really doing anything interesting, they are just getting from A to B. "
Well, as a GM, if the party wants to turn into a natural food source for flying predators and be in the open on cloudless, clear sky days, I will take every opportunity to throw all manner of flying predatory nastiness at them when they have no where to hide.
Then there are the farmers who love geese pie...
And the rangers and elven hunters looking for natural food sources for themselves and their community.
But yes, with public voting, be more cinematic, wow us with visuals.