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Greetings folks,
So the time has come for Pan to ask for his lady's hand in marriage. I have no idea what im doing when it comes to getting a ring though. Was wondering if the wise folks here could give me some pointers?
Specifically id like to know about these topics;
My mother gave me a stone that belonged to my great grandmother some time ago. Is it better to buy a ring made anyways, or go custom and use my stone? Or buy a set up and have my stone dropped in it? (I dont at this time know what the 4Cs of my stone come out to.)
How do you go about finding your SOs ring size without just asking?
Thats it for now but would love to hear from y'all about anything you think is relevant to topic.
Thanks,
Pan
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First of all: congratulations!
A custom job will be more expensive, that's just how it is. I don't know how important your great grandma's stone is to you or your fiance-to-be so I'll leave that to your discretion. What I did (two years ago now) was buy a ring off-the-shelf: platinum band, one larger stone with about a half-dozen smaller stones arranged on either side. She likes simple, elegant pieces so I went with that and didn't break my budget. It came with a wedding band that we had attached to the engagement band before the big day.
As far as finger size, could you possible "borrow" one of her rings and take it to the jewelers? They could take the measurement there easy-peasy.
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Using the family diamond can be a nice touch especially if she is sentimental.
I agree with the above regarding size - "borrow" a ring that fits her (preferably that fits on a ring finger). Since the sizing will be approximate, she may have to have it re-sized afterward. Gold is easier to adjust than platinum in that case (gold being softer and more malleable), so that may be a consideration.
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It COULD be an idea not to buy a ring until she has said yes and you can go shopping together?
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Congratulations!
Also, if you buy a ring, don't buy a diamond. They are basically worthless. Required viewing (Contains colourful language).
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[debt-ridden millennial]I would second Sissyl, and add that you should avoid diamonds. Diamonds are only rare because the De Beers Group of Companies hoards them from the whole world, and besides, it's not worth that big an investment for a symbol—get an affordable ring and save that money for something more meaningful.[/debt-ridden millennial]
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Also note: If you have come far enough to talk engagement, you a) shouldn't need to impress her with the ring, b) your economy is likely to be a concern for her as well, and c) since she is the one who will wear it, it's only fair that she gets a say in what it should look like.
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My wife and I picked her engagement ring out together, but I made the formal proposal afterwards (and after obtaining her father's blessing). This way, she got something she liked the looks of, and that fit her near perfectly.
That being said, I'd bet good money if you picked something out, then presented it to her, she'd love it no matter what. From everything I've seen, most chicks are more pleased about being engaged to the person they love, and since the ring is a symbol of y'alls love, no part of it can be truly "worthless".
There is some research you can do to make things easier, however. See if she has any type of stone preference. Some chicks love their birthstones before all others. And see if any of her other jewelry is of a certain metal. For example - my wife hates gold, so most of her stuff is silver.
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My first wedding ring for my wife was a five dollar mood ring.
We've been married for over fifteen years. :-)
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Thanks for the congratz.
Oh man It would save me a lot of trouble if she would propose to me but she is far too traditional for that.
I am not looking to sink much money into the ring. Id say in the neighborhood of 2-6K (which is affordable for me.)
Id like to surprise her with the ring as opposed to picking one out with her. Though, I do see some of the wisdom in that and know its become much more common.
One thing I heard of was getting a simple wedding band first, proposing with that, then getting the engagement ring second with her input. Thoughts?
I need to ask her old man first, which I plan to do around thanksgiving. Right now I'm in the planning stage of the ring and appreciate all the comments.
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It COULD be an idea not to buy a ring until she has said yes and you can go shopping together?
This is my recommendation. Or you take her out to dinner and "happen to stop" in a ring store. She'll get the hint and will be ultra helpful in helping you know exactly what she likes. Hell, she might even know her size off hand and can tell you what she has been dreaming her ring to be since she was 5 years old. And I guarantee that you will still be excited when the time comes, even if she picked it out for you in the store.
But afterward leaving the store, you can talk about your family stone.
Congratulations. Always good to see us gamers having our happily ever afters.
The real surprise will be the proposal, so I would say, put your effort into that and make the ring something you decide together.
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I'd use the stone passed down to you. That's what we did for my wedding several years ago; I used my deceased father's wedding ring, my wife used a great aunt's engagement ring and a great grandmother's wedding ring. The sentimental value is worth the monetary cost, in my opinion.
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Have I lost all sense of time or wasn't it only a couple of months ago you were dating several women at once?
Anywho, my 2c as someone who has never been married: Grandma's stone seems the best option. It has a history, some kind of sentimental value. Better than going out and buying a ring that is "just an object".
Getting a custom make and fit also adds that extra touch of "You put effort into this. This is something you did just for me." rather than just buying off the rack, as it were.
That makes sense to me, anyway. If the ring is important enough that you have to have one, it should be important enough to spend time making it something more than just a generic hunk of clear rock surrounded by gold metal.
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Have I lost all sense of time or wasn't it only a couple of months ago you were dating several women at once?
That was around a year ago. We have been together for just over a year now. Living together and discussing our future (including selling our homes and buying one together) Her condition is a ring that doesn't have to be extravagant, but she would like one. I love her, so im going to get her one. Point of the thread was twofold, should I surprise her or make sure she is in on the process, and how to go about making/buying a ring for her as this is new territory for me.
I appreciate the thoughts folks keep em coming!
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Let her be part of the decision as to what ring she will wear, whether or not to use Grandma's stone, etc, etc.
It sucks to look at your hand every single day and wish it was something you loved.
I'd second the suggestion of going all out on the proposal, and even using a 'prop' ring. You might get the jeweler to let you buy a small ring that can be returned when you come in together to discuss designing the ring set. You'll want your band, her band, and her engagement ring to all look well together if you're going for custom design
And I'll bet she will want to include the family stone in the design. Which also means that the wedding band will need to aesthetically match the engagement ring.
Spend the money on customization and a mutually decided design. Unless she's marrying you for the flash of a huge stone to impress her friends, that will be far more meaningful.
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lol dice rings.....do they come in platinum?
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My mother gave me a stone that belonged to my great grandmother some time ago. Is it better to buy a ring made anyways, or go custom and use my stone? Or buy a set up and have my stone dropped in it? (I don't at this time know what the 4Cs of my stone come out to.)
I'd go with using your mother's stone: you're not giving deBeers any money, and it's more sentimental.
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I'll echo the idea to let her help pick out the ring. That's what I did with my wife, and she appreciated getting something that suited her instead of something that was not her style.
Congrats!
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Congratulations!
This is so incredibly awesome~!
Woo~!
As to your question, well, you could do like I did.
I was entirely broke mildly impoverished in college, and had (some months prior) told my not-yet-betrothed that some day I was planning on proposing - she had told me that she wasn't going to accept at that point, which was fine by me, as I wasn't ready yet: I couldn't afford a ring!
So... six months of dating later, I was visiting her parents house (where she lived for a while after college), and we'd basically chat until one or the other of us fell asleep - it was my turn that night, and apparently I did so muttering something along the lines of, "Please say yes..." or some-such. I don't know, I was asleep, and don't remember this at all. She certainly thought I was going to propose, though.
I woke the next day super well rested and happy (thinking about marrying the woman I loved, but waiting patiently for her, 'cause she was worth it!) as she'd had a sleepless night of excitement but nervousness and uncertainty. We started the day with some radio, which apparently decided to play some songs about love and marriage and whatnot. Then we went to church where the sermon was all about marriage and weddings and whatnot, complete with readings from the book of Wisdom (this being significant to my not-yet-betrothed, as she was specifically seeking wisdom at the time). Then we went back to her parents' house for a change of clothes before a nice family lunch.
To spend time together in a socially acceptable manner, she and I decided to take a walk out in her parents' (absolutely incredible*) back yard to enjoy the gorgeous Sunday. As was still is my wont, I began babbling about something nonsensically** (probably just to fill the space and chat with her) when I was suddenly arrested by the look in her eyes and smile on her face.
*
**
I asked what she was thinking (one of the most common questions around the two of us).
She replied that she was wondering if I, "-wanted to use... this." at which point she removed an old ring from one of her fingers, and handed it to me. The ring? A cross-shaped ring that neither of us can actually recall where she acquired it anymore. But it was old and relatively cheap, even at the time.
I was pretty stunned, but pretty much flipped out and hit my knees, taking the ring, and proposing to her immediately. She said "Yes!" immediately, as well. We were super-giddy.
So giddy that even her parents noticed that we were being odd (more odd than usual) that day (our legs were bouncing in tandem and making the table shake). We informed them over the subsequent lunch that we were hypothetically supposed to have been getting ready for when I proposed.
I'd kind of forgotten to ask her dad first, which I felt really terrible about. I asked him that evening, and he noted that, "-at least you're not a biker!" (following that up with noting that, if I was, it would greatly depend on what kind of biker I was, and so on and so forth). It was pretty fun, and all was good.
Several months later, I'd find a ring (rare type of stone, but inexpensive) in a shopping mall and purchase it as a Christmas gift. She liked it so much she declared it her new engagement ring. And that's the one she has now.
On second thought, you probably don't want to try to do what I did. That's probably not the best way to handle that. At all.
But the eleven years of marraige (and two and a half years of engagement before it) have been awesome! :D
Maybe involve her in the process? I dunno - I wasn't really am not that organized or smart.
Either way, the Lord bless you and your soon-to-be-fiance! :D
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Congratulations!
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When I bought the engagement ring for my wife, I had paid attention to various things she had said while we were together, so I knew:
1) ring size
2) favorite color or rings/jewelry
3) favorite diamond cut
4) preferences on band thickness
I found a ring that matched those, and when I proposed she was ecstatic when she saw the ring. I had never asked her a direct question about rings, so it was somewhat of a surprise, and she got the ring she wanted.
Her comment was "you do listen!" through the happy tears.
This was definitely a win/win :P
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Very nice Kryzbyn!
Lovely story tacticslion!
I asked her about what type of jewelry she likes and her ring size last night. I am at Charles De Gaul in France right now waiting for my friends plane to arrive. Im going to look around while im on euro vacay. (she didnt come with because the trip was planned before I met her. Id have invited her but ill be staying with some folks and didnt want to impose. Also, my bud and I will be splitting off from his family and going out on our own as a guy's thing.) Though unless i find something perfect i dont plan to buy anything in the two weeks im over seas.
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Congrats! My advice is to not spend too much on you rings, or on you wedding. Save your money for more important things that will bring more true happiness to your lives than a hunk of metal and rock.
My wife and I got engaged WAY too young (21 & 22) but we're still together after 25 years, so it's worked out fine anyway.
I proposed without a ring. Afterward, shopped for a pair of engagement rings that were in our budget. I absolutely do not buy the "two month's salary" malarky: that "tradition" was cooked up by the DeBeers marketing department in the 1950s.
We bought a ruby ring for her (.75 carat ruby with a pair of .25 carat diamonds), and an onyx ring for me. I think, all told, we spent about $900 for both. (Again, this was 25 years ago; no idea what jewelry costs now.) We returned to the place I'd popped the question and exchanged our rings there as a pact to get married.
We did get married two years later, and our wedding rings are simple gold bands; I think those cost $200 each.
These days, we can afford much more expensive jewelry, but we're still wearing what we could afford when we were still in college.
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Update:
After some consideration, I have decided to use what I call the "backwards method." I am going out tonight to look at some wedding bands. I'm going to get one and propose with that on x-mas. Afterwards, I will take her out to consider engagement rings based off of what the value of the current stone I have and such and such. This way she can have say in the design.
I mentioned this to my mother and she reacted, "but...but....you cant! You have to pick out the engagement ring and give it to her! It will mean so much more!" I told her I considered that, but what if I choose poorly or she has something different in mind? Mother replies, "oh that shouldn't matter..." Then my step father who was in ear shot joined the conversation, "That's Bulls!@t!!! I gave you a ring and you took it to the jeweler and had it changed!" LOL after that exchange I decide my choice was an even better one!
More to come...
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I dated my wife in high school, but we didn't get married until 7 years later. :-)
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I mentioned this to my mother and she reacted, "but...but....you cant! You have to pick out the engagement ring and give it to her! It will mean so much more!"
...
Then my step father who was in ear shot joined the conversation, "That's Bulls!@t!!! I gave you a ring and you took it to the jeweler and had it changed!"
This really is one of those "the person thinks they know what they want but the opposite is more often true" situations. Most of the women I dated and talked to about marriage (before meeting my now-wife) said they wanted to be surprised. However, they also knew the exact ring they wanted, and unless they told me, I would never have known what they wanted. Surveys have shown that more than half of all women that weren't involved with the decision of their ring were disappointed.
Involving her is the smart choice. It may be less traditional (and less romantic if she is a traditional person), but she will be happier in the long run.
Let us know after christmas how everything goes. Can't wait to hear.
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I'd say she is classical, but not traditional. She wants a ring and she will probably want a traditional/antique design, but it doesn't have to become a thing the traditional way.
Thanks for the tip Dale I have no trouble believing many women are disappointed the ring isn't what they want. Its not end of the world, she can go back, but why waste the time and money?
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I went to a jeweler that my family has used recently. Small time joint but friendly service. I explained my backwards approach and the sales woman was not impressed. She went on about how the ring should be the one thing a lady shouldn't have to decide about. It would show her how much she means to me if I chose the ring for her. I then mentioned what Dale said about half of women not being happy with the ring their SO picked. Sales woman,"That's true! In fact, I just changed a ring significantly for a woman who isn't even married yet." Me, "...."
She did bring up one good point that a wedding band might limit the choice of engagement ring later. They have to look good together. Then she started talking about how rings can look good on the display rack but not fit a person physically. I looked at her and was like, "Seriously, a purchase this expensive, with all the choices that come with it, and you think the recipient doesn't want any say? Any?"
Turns out the saleswoman had a better solution after all. The stone of my grandmother is in a ring now solitary. Not sure why it never occurred to me to just use it. I had them re-size it and will be proposing on x-mas eve. Wish me luck!
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Buena suerte!
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Good luck man.
Good luck~!
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Didnt it used to be 3 months salary equivalent on a ring??
With divorce rates as they are, you got to be brave to lay out that kind of dough!
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Well, well, well!
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Awesome! Congrats to both of you.
Congratulations to you both! How wonderful!
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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PAN
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Congratulations from me also.
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Update:
So the plan worked out well. I proposed with a simple band holding my great grandmother's diamond. The diamond was old, a nice cut, but ranked low on the clarity scale. Basically, it wasn't super sparkly like the most expensive diamonds are. My mother said we could trade any of the things she gifted me towards a ring my fiancé wanted. My fiancé wanted to keep the rock, so we found a halo setting to make the diamond pop. We saved a good chunk of cash going that route and pleased my mother greatly!
I chose a small shop that is owned by a good close friend of my brother. The shop is in an old building and not terribly impressive. What it lacked in impression, it more than made up for in price. I shopped around for what my fiancé wanted and found that major retailers would have been close, if not more than, double what this small shop offered with family friend discount. The small shop has low rent and advertises mostly via social media and word of mouth. Any folks shopping for rings I highly recommend you check out the mom and pops if you want a good deal. (The owner even rhodium plated a few yellow gold rings free of charge for my fiancé. Something big shops charge 50+ dollars for)
Proposing with the simple band was a bit of a risk. It turned out to be the absolute best move on my part. Though when considering for one self I suggest you do your homework. I learned that many women/men want to be completely surprised with their ring. They want to see how much you matter to them. Though, the jeweler confirmed that half the time the bride/groom want changes made or a different ring completely. Meaning half of women/men want to choose or be part of the process in selecting their ring. After all, they are going to wear this ring for hopefully a very long time. Your approach should factor in their desires when deciding to go this route or not.
Thus my guide is now complete, but feel free to continue the discussion and I would be more than willing to answer questions if you have any.
-Cheers
Pan
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I'm also a big fan of keeping diamonds in the family -- it gives you a nice sense of continuity between generations. Mrs Gersen's had been her grandmother's -- I arranged their acquisition with her grandfather before I proposed. I think the fact that I informed her parents and grandfather, secured their blessing, and also included them in the process made a big impression (she's very, very family-oriented).