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(Just a quick warning to everyone, this is meant to be a joke. Do not take this seriously, and those with strong convictions or without senses of humor should probably steer clear.)
Hello everyone! As we all know, Pathfinder is a pretty complex game with a lot of rules to learn. Luckily, we have the CRB to guide us through. Unfortunately, the Pathfinder boards are also pretty complex, and there's a lot to learn about them. Even more unfortunately, there's been no real guide to the boards to get newbies started...
Until now!
I present to you the first edition of The Pathfinder Boards: A Primer! Please direct all new posters to this thread for everything they'll need to know to get started.
*Please note the contents of this guide are subject to errata, FAQs, endless megathreads worth of debates as to the contents and meaning, and outright rewriting at the discretion of the author or whoever else comes along*
***
Lesson 1: The Developers Are Perfect
The developers, or "devs" as they are more commonly known, have been sent by the heavens above to impart their perfect wisdom unto us. They have never, in the history of Pathfinder, made a mistake even once, and any decision they make is for the ultimate good of the game and thus, all of us.
Therefore you are never to speak ill of the developers while on these boards. To do so would be to show that you are either jaded, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 2: The Developers Are Idiots
The developers, or "devs" as they are more commonly known, have not he slightest idea what they are doing with Pathfinder. It is, to be quite frank, a miracle that they have managed to piece together a game that we all enjoy with their moronic minds.
Every poster on these boards has both greater ability and experience with game design. As such, the devs frequently come to the boards to glean advice from our superior minds. Anyone who suggests the devs might know what they're doing is either a wide eyed blind optimist, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 3: The Game and Its Rules Are Perfect
A corollary of lesson 1, since the devs are perfect, the game they have created must also be utterly flawless. The balance of the system, the layout of the books, and the content of the rules are all perfectly clear and without fault.
Since the game is currently balanced to such a fine degree, all future supplements are needless and will only harm the game with their "bloat". This lesson applies universally, regardless of the time at which this guide is read.
As such, you should never claim there is a flaw in any Paizo product. Anyone who does so is either a whiner, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 4: The Game and Its Rules Are Worthless Garbage
A corollary to lesson 2. Since the game devs are so utterly inept, the game they have essentially stolen from Wizards of the Coast has been twisted and broken beyond recognition. The system is wildly unbalanced, the book layout is confusing, and the rules are an ambiguous contradictory mess.
Because of the ineptitude of the game designers, all releases serve only to break the game further. However, this last book looks like they might just have started listening to the community and will fix the game at least somewhat. This lesson aplies universally, regardless of the time at which this guide is read.
As such, you should never defend a product published by Paizo. Anyone who does so is either unfamiliar with better content, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 5: You're Having Fun the Wrong Way
There is only one proper way to have fun in Pathfinder, and if you're doing it any other way your fun is wrong and you should feel bad. It may be because you're weird, simply don't actually know what fun is, or you're dumb. Trust me though, you do not actually follow the one fun path.
Don't worry though! There are plenty of posters on here that will be more than happy to educate you on how to have fun. A useful start would be to post some of the house rules you use, so the other posters can explain how wrong they are to you. Some of the other lessons here will also explain the proper mindset for fun having, so please finish the guide before you post any questions!
Lesson 6: Dirty Munchkins Are Ruining the Game
Munchkins, sometimes called "minmaxers" or "optimizers", are a cancer that is spreading through and destroying Pathfinder. This is related to lesson 5, but even worse than simply not knowing how to have fun, they actively seek to destroy the fun of others.
These players play at a power level that is outside the accepted fun range, and thus not only ruin their own games, but the games of every Pathfinder player worldwide. If you come to these boards with a powergame mindset, you are either a dirty MMOer, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 7: You Just Don't Understand What They're Saying
From time to time on our little boards, you'll disagree with another poster about some rule or the correct way to have fun. The reason a disagreement occurs, however, is because you don't actually understand the argument of whoever disagrees with you.
Please be assured the other person is not actually wrong, and the fault lies solely with you. If you persist in arguing your viewpoint is correct, it's because you're either being intentionally difficult, a troll, or are dumb.
Lesson 8: The Stormwind "Fallacy"
The Stormwind Fallacy is a statement along the lines of roleplaying and optimizing not being mutually exclusive. It is generally stated to be true on the boards, however, let me tell you right now that we all know the truth. Roleplaying and powerful characters are in fact mutually exclusive. Anyone who talks about "DPR" or "survivability" couldn't roleplay their way out of a wet paper bag.
These people are tolerated on the boards but generally looked down upon, and it's best to avoid being associated with them. If you do you're either a wet blanket who drags down the roleplaying fun, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 9: People Who Can't Optimize Ruin Games
The game consists of roleplaying and mechanical aspects, and some people just can't hack it with the mechanics. These bitter fools, unwilling to admit their own faults, build horrible characters that ruin games.
These dead weight players make the game harder for the others in their group by playing elderly one legged commoners in groups full of highly skilled adventurers, forcing the others to pick up their slack. Though they often claim playing suboptimal characters is fun for them, we know the truth. These players are either spiteful, trolls, or dumb.
Lesson 10: Caster Martial Disparity, the Ultimate Thread
I won't get into the truth of caster martial disparity, as that was already covered in the previous lesson on game rules and balance. What you should know, however, is that the BEST thread you can make is on caster martial disparity.
This thread serves several purposes. First, it lets everyone wbo knows the truth pat themselves on the back and congratulate each other on their knowledge and wisdom. It points out all the deviants and lets us all mock and ridicule them for our own amusement. Since we all already know the truth, no real discussion generally goes on in these threads, but they remain immensely popular.
As such, I encourage you to make your first post on the boards one about caster martial disparity and the truth about it. If you don't, you're either a misanthrope, a troll, or dumb.
***
That should do it for the Pathfinder boards primer! I encourage anyone with something to add for newer players to post it in the thread for all those new to the boards.
Also, please be sure to check out my future guides:
Sarcastic Replies: The Secret to Being Cool
Claiming Logical Fallacies: How to Show You're Smarter Than Everyone
The MMO Rebuttal: How to Win Any Argument
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Your guide is an abject failure, as it does not introduce the subject of Alignment threads!
Fortunately, that can be remedied: all newcomers to the Paizo.com forums should read the Objectively Best Thread About Alignment
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He also forgot to mention that Crystal Frasier is a goddess.
The first rule might should have been to not read the forums.
Or maybe take them with a grain of salt, anyone can be an a!~%&+$ anonymously, but they're rarely that way face to face.
Bombastic, they name is internets.
Edit: Not referring to you, just general advice, and also something smurfy.
Edit 2: a present! Oh, joy! I wonder what it could be
Yep, just what I always wanted!!
You missed two. One about rogues, and how it is generally accepted except by morons that they're awful, and one about RAW vs RAI.
He also forgot to mention that Crystal Frasier is a goddess.
Actually he did mention that, in Lesson 1 he explained that Paizo employees are all gods.
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Suggested Lesson: Words are meaningless, and you can switch them however you want.
So feel free to use pummeling style to punch with your greatsword. When vestigial arms say you can't make extra attacks, and the FAQ describes explicit intent that they should not give you more attacks, that just means you have to use unarmed strikes to trade for more attacks.
...ok, maybe I subscribe to lesson 6.
Suggested Lesson: GMs who make paladins fall are always evil and stupid.
So what if I murdered 20 children? You presented a no win scenario. How was I supposed to NOT murder those children- they were worth 5 xp each and and 10 gold on them.
You forgot some incredibly important lessons!
Lesson 11: Alignment is an easily-understood concept and essential part of the game
Harkening back to the roots of the game, alignment is a fundamental and necessary component of the PFRPG experience. While there are lively debates on whether character alignment is prescriptive or descriptive , all can agree on the necessity of the system. Without alignment, there can be no clerics, our paladins, or archetypical stories of "Good vs. Evil" or "Order vs. Chaos". Anyone who argues against the utility of alignment is a nihilist, a troll, or dumb.
Lesson 12: Alignment is an outdated and ineffectual concept that has no place in a modern game
The alignment system is an unnecessary and counterproductive holdover from earlier iterations of the game that hamstrings player options. It's a crutch that gets in the way of true role playing and mixes mechanical effects with impossible-to-pin-down "fluff." GMs and players alike use alignment as an excuse for ham-fisted grandstanding that sucks the fun out of the game. In short, the whole system must be scrapped altogether or simply ignored. Anyone who argues in favor of alignment is a grognard, a troll, or dumb.
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Lesson 0: Everything is Cosmo's fault. Blame Cosmo.
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Lesson 14: The Succubus is always right.
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MATT DAMON!
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Lesson 17: You're not my supervisor!!!!
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Lesson 19: bring a f#*@ing map.
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Lesson 20: Anyone (and I mean anyone) can Ninja Captain Yesterday.
Except for that guy:-D
Lesson 24: All we are, is dust in the wind dudes.
Lesson 25: chicks from the middle ages are totally ggg dudes!
Lesson 27: No there isn't.
Lesson 28: No mint for you!!!
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Lesson 29: We are NOT a "social media website" - really, we're totally not!!!
Foolproof reasoning: The games we play on this site don't suck.
I spend years hiding from MySpace and FaceBook and gods know what all else, and for what? Somehow I STILL *grumblegrumbleb&~%+fume....*
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Lesson XX: What to do if your thread is locked
If your thread is locked, it was likely due to one of a few reasons:
1) Your thread was too close to the truth, and the powers that be couldn't allow the masses to see the truth.
2) Your thread hit the secret limit counter that is randomly generated each time a thread is created.
3) Your thread was so brilliant that the mods decided to preserve it, in it's perfect glory, as a shining example to all future thread creators.
Regardless of why it was locked, the correct response is always to open a nearly identical thread, as well as a secondary thread questioning the judgement, motivation, physical attributes, bedroom proclivities, and political leanings of the moderators. Yeah, that always works.
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Lesson <0: If you ever feel the boards here are getting toxic/rude/unbearable, go to your STEAM/XBox life/ Consoleofchoice library, pick a random game, open the messageboard for the game, read one or two minutes into random threads ->return to the happyplace that is the paizo messageboard.
Or just hide the offending threads (click the ∅ button next to the thread in question) or the whole forum if all discussion there is toxic to you (from the main messageboard hub, click the Triangle to the left of the forum in question so that it points right instead of down).
Or if it's an individual forum user causing you grief, install Another-Mage's Ignore script. (Paizo does not have a built-in Ignore function and the staff has repeatedly said they have zero plans to implement one.)
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Lesson <0: If you ever feel the boards here are getting toxic/rude/unbearable, go to your STEAM/XBox life/ Consoleofchoice library, pick a random game, open the messageboard for the game, read one or two minutes into random threads ->return to the happyplace that is the paizo messageboard.Or just hide the offending threads (click the ∅ button next to the thread in question) or the whole forum if all discussion there is toxic to you (from the main messageboard hub, click the Triangle to the left of the forum in question so that it points right instead of down).
Or if it's an individual forum user causing you grief, install Another-Mage's Ignore script. (Paizo does not have a built-in Ignore function and the staff has repeatedly said they have zero plans to implement one.)
But that is the boring, blood pressure neutral way ;-)
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Lesson 30!: Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!
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Lesson 31. Nothing can stop
Lesson 32: the fields were burning when I got here.
Lesson 33; Trolls are a myth trust me
Koko face hand good?
Sorry Koko, no gold teeth in this face.
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But that is the boring, blood pressure neutral way ;-)Lesson <0: If you ever feel the boards here are getting toxic/rude/unbearable, go to your STEAM/XBox life/ Consoleofchoice library, pick a random game, open the messageboard for the game, read one or two minutes into random threads ->return to the happyplace that is the paizo messageboard.Or just hide the offending threads (click the ∅ button next to the thread in question) or the whole forum if all discussion there is toxic to you (from the main messageboard hub, click the Triangle to the left of the forum in question so that it points right instead of down).
Or if it's an individual forum user causing you grief, install Another-Mage's Ignore script. (Paizo does not have a built-in Ignore function and the staff has repeatedly said they have zero plans to implement one.)
Given I'm on blood pressure medication, I'll take it ;)
Given I'm on blood pressure medication, I'll take it ;)But that is the boring, blood pressure neutral way ;-)Lesson <0: If you ever feel the boards here are getting toxic/rude/unbearable, go to your STEAM/XBox life/ Consoleofchoice library, pick a random game, open the messageboard for the game, read one or two minutes into random threads ->return to the happyplace that is the paizo messageboard.Or just hide the offending threads (click the ∅ button next to the thread in question) or the whole forum if all discussion there is toxic to you (from the main messageboard hub, click the Triangle to the left of the forum in question so that it points right instead of down).
Or if it's an individual forum user causing you grief, install Another-Mage's Ignore script. (Paizo does not have a built-in Ignore function and the staff has repeatedly said they have zero plans to implement one.)
Blood pressure medication is overpowered!