errr... "adjectives" modifying other adjectives. Brain fart: I can't even blame auto-correct. I hope the critique was better than my vocabulary. :)
lol... okay, I'll cross post this basic item as suggested to see what yall think...
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Favored Form Ring
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot ring; Price 11,700 gp; Weight —
Description
A thick brass ring ornately carved with a tiny animal species in active poses and religious iconography of the associated deity. Common animal effigies are; trailing hummingbirds, playful kittens, grasping monkeys, cavorting raccoons, dancing rabbits, queued skunks, entwined songbirds, braided snakes. The ring leaves a slight mark of verdigris where it is worn. A favored form ring bestows the following abilities on one wearer per day:This ring is usually given to devout follower to complete the little tasks that the faith needs accomplished without undue notice. The animal form speaks in a high pitched mimicry of the wearers voice even if the animal would not normally be able to do so.
- +1 deflection bonus to armor class
- beast shape II, CL 10 (depicted species only, 2/day)
- speak with animals (with depicted species only)
Construction Requirements Forge Ring, beast shape II, shield of faith, speak with animals; Cost 5,850 gp
This is an item that starts to fall into the Swiss Army Knife style of item, this is indicated immediately by a short shopping list of abilities.
If we look at those abilities, we can see the first has nothing at all to do with the second and third, which are related.
I would lose the deflection bonus. It is simply a tack on, boring AC bonus and doesn't excite me as much as the last two related powers do. This drops shield of faith from the construction and auras and helps reduce the item price.
I would also place tighter reign on the "favored" part of the name in that although you can beast shape, you can ONLY change into the form of the beast represented. The communication would also be similarly limited to only that of the form assumed.
These restrictions would help align the item benefits with a lower price point, making it more accessible for earlier game play. At mid game play, as currently priced, it is likely the PCs will have ready access to spells/magic that would make this item a "non use/sell it" item (think giving flying to a PC who has fly spell access).
I would also lose the sentence "This ring is usually given..." as it falls into the "favored by" trap... but keep the voice sentence, that's fun and evocative.
Checking your aura - Beast Shape 2 is a 4th level sor/wiz spell, transmutation, Speak with Animals is 3rd level bard, and 1st level druid/ranger, divination (not listed in the aura), Shield of Faith is a 1st level cleric spell of abjuration (also not listed in your aura).
Now, the general advise given is that a magical item twists magic in subtle ways, so I would have just the single Beast Shape 2 spell in the construction, dropping the other 2 - this means your aura is correct and simplified.
A wizard can cast 4th level spells at 7th level, a sorceror at 8th level. The druid can cast speak with animals at 1st level, and the cleric can cast shield of faith at 1st level.
So as the template requires caster level, I would personally list 7th level as the highest needed caster level (it is not a summation of character levels of the different classes, it is the highest caster level needed for the construction and effects in the description, say to get a particular duration).
So moderate transmutation, but at CL 7th not CL 10th. Again reducing the price and bringing the fun item in to play earlier.
I would also consider stating if the transformed PC can still cast spells in the new form - if they retain their ability to speak, they in theory can cast spells!
Those are my personal thoughts - take what you will.
Jiggy, Curaigh,
Thank you both for your feedback! It is much appreciated.
I will now have to do the effect/affect walk of shame.
Thanks again.
Looking forward to the contest this year.
I simply listed the most potent aura and highest spell caster level of the item in the heading description. The spells are respectively at 1@1, 4@10, 1@1{cont} so the transmutation is going to stick out. Do we need to list all the auras? If the spell levels were equitable I would have listed all of them.Favored Form Ring...
Checking your aura - Beast Shape 2 is a 4th level sor/wiz spell, transmutation, Speak with Animals is 3rd level bard, and 1st level druid/ranger, divination (not listed in the aura), Shield of Faith is a 1st level cleric spell of abjuration (also not listed in your aura).
...
If the strength of the auras were the same (i.e. to get the durations and effects you were casting at a higher caster level), then I would list those of the same aura strength - but that's not official - it's what I would do.
Just the highest aura is fine, what I was trying to hint at was that you could maybe lose the smaller spells and treat their effects as a by-product of the twisting of the main spell during creation - it all depends on how minor the added effects are. So being able to speak in the animal form could be a by-product of the twisting of the beast shape spell. I hope that makes sense now.
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I am new to making magic items, but here is my first try.
Headband of Voices
Aura faint divination; CL 5th
Slot headband; Price 23,250 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This headband is made of three entwining metal brands, two of silver and one of gold, that wind around the wearers head to encircle a rune carved diamond in the center of the forehead. When the headband is first put on, the wearer hears small voices drifting through his mind. When worn, this headband increases a wearers understanding of languages. In addition to granting the wearer a +2 enhancement bonus to Charisma, if the wearer has at least a 14 charisma before donning the headband, the headband provides the wearer a number of spell effects. The headband must be worn for a week before any of the spells are usable, and treat the Charisma bonus as a temporary ability bonus for the first 24 hour the headband is worn. To use the message , ventriloquism , or tongues spells, the wearer must say a command word which is different for each spell. While worn, this headband gives a -4 penalty on Perception checks, resulting from all of the extra voices in their head.
• Comprehend Languages (constant)
• Message (at will)
• Ventriloquism (5 times per day)
• Tongues (3 times per day)
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Comprehend Languages, Message, Ventriloquism, Tongues; Cost 11,625 gp
Hey Jace, welcome aboard...
Your basic template use looks pretty good. The only thing that really leaps out at me is your spells should be lowercase. You also have spaces between a couple of the spells and the following commas in the body of the item.
I like the description of the item, but try to avoid using "is" or other forms of "to be," as they're passive writing. Sometimes you can't avoid it, but you could, for example, write, "Three entwining metal brands, two of silver and one of gold, wind around the wearer's head to encircle a rune-carved diamond in the center of the forehead." (You also need to make it "wearer's" to make it possessive and I would hyphenate "rune-carved."
Now obviously you don't want to do your best ideas in the practice thread, but your item seems to be a bit of a SAK (Swiss Army Knife) and SiaC (Spell in a Can). It gives the Charisma bonus that is similar to a headband of alluring charisma and then adds on the language kicker, which almost functions as a staff. While this could be a perfectly good item for a home-brew campaign, for Superstar you'll definitely want to try to bend the rules a little more. Perhaps the item could affect language-dependent spells in some way, for example.
Some other thoughts:
* Most items don't point out that the wearer must say a command words that's different for each spell. That's probably getting a little too much into the nitty-gritty of the item's function. It's generally assumed you need a command word to activate an ability like that. If you want to emphasize it, you could write "On command..." or something like that.
* For Superstar, I'd be careful about drawbacks for an item. Yes, it may seem very fitting -- yours makes sense here, for example -- but it's just going to turn off potention voters, IMO. Also, that sentence is a little awkward: While I can certainly figure out who "their" head refers to, I'd probably write "the wearer's head," as it's only worn by a single person.
I am new to making magic items, but here is my first try.
Headband of Voices
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Welcome Jace! I've been away busy with things, but I want to welcome you to a wonderful group of magnanimous peers.
I'll give you my 2 cents on your item.
I think your template and pricing are very well executed. That's half the battle in RPG superstar to standing out. I don't notice any particular flaws.
Though; I think our own Template Fu is the one to listen to on that front.
Jacob's feedback is very valuable, I can only reinforce that the drawback while minor at the level the item could be afforded, should be overlooked for RPG superstar. Your drawback is on theme, and well thought out. I commend you for that; but most adventures are not willing to suffer any penalty for using a magical enhancement.
Another thing you'd want to consider is how similar is this item to others. For people with low charisma, this will be just a +2 Charisma circlet. Not a bad item, but, very expensive, and... there are cheaper items that do that effect.
The spell effects are where this is at, and; while the chosen spells fit. I'd suggest cutting one or two of the spell, to avoid the Swiss-Army-Knife magical item classification. Emulating spell effects (or simply writing a magical item that casts a single spell) generates what is affectionately nicknamed a spell-in-a-can. We've all made a few of them and sometimes, they are nice. But; they are fundamentally less interesting then a whole new effect.
Spell-in-a-Can's do not do well for this competition. There is a very good set of blog entries that turn a sword that casts fireball into a much more interesting sword. I suggest reading it here.
hey folks! If you haven't played Undertale, then you really should.
It's a truly touching little video game. It made me cry several times.
And now for an attempt to translate one of it's many items into Pathfinder!
Nice-Cream
Aura strong conjuration; CL 12th
Slot none; Price 300 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This baby blue sugary snack is cold to the touch. This snack tastes better to the innocent. Using Nice-Cream requires a standard action that involves consuming the food in it’s entirely. Good characters are healed 50 hit points upon consumption, and it tastes sweet and refreshing. Neutral characters are healed 35 hit points and tastes of a warm grape juice. Evil characters that consume this treat are healed 10 hit points and the taste is repulsive.
Evil creatures with the outsider template or creatures with the evil subtype are only healed 1 hit point, and are sickened.
Construction
Requirements Brew Potion, detect evil, heal, ray of frost; Cost 150 gp
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Welcome to the party brubbelbuttons.
Here are my impressions, these are just off the cuff, so I might miss stuff or get it wrong.
Top section;
- The name. Who's Chelsea? - Remember the RPGS items might also be made by players, and who'd name their item after someone else? (I get that it's a well-known name from the song, but that makes it even more important to change. Most of the voters do not like that kind of wordplay, and not everyone speaks a good level of english (or might simply not get the reference).
- CL seems off as none of the spells you have a caster requirement of higher than 5 for the lowest level possible. (They're only level 3 spells, so why CL 8?)
- Price: 19K for a +2 weapon that's got drawbacks? And counts as improvised so it gives you a -4 to hit? So we now have a -2 to hit, with +2 damage. For the price of a +3 weapon, and it has additional effects for the Barbarian Rage. - I'd go with this being too pricy (not including the Barbarian Rage effect, which I'd avoid).
Description:
- You might want to make this simpler. Along the lines of finely crafted bottle, with intricate silver and platinum gilding and leave out the rest. Again the "C" should go, so that you don't have to think of it when renaming it. - "Penny swill". I like the description of it, but again, it's unlikely anyone without a decent grasp of english and possibly history will understand it. Better to describe it as the leftover drinks from a night out or something to that effect. - Perhaps make it smell as well, and include something other than just one sense. (along the lines of [i]While it looks nice, it smells like a horrid mix of beer stains and warm wine[/].
Effects:
- Improvised dagger is cool, and odd enough that I like it.It's "berserking" in Pathfinder, so you'll want to change that, I'd also change that part of the description to simply state that he's under the effect of a Barbarian's Rage for 5 rounds. (You're referring to a cursed item that mimics a class ability. Cursed items have no place in RPGS, so best change that around - that said, this part is almost literally a "Class Ability in A Bottle"). You'll want something new and cool. How about you instead give anyone wounded by it the sickened condition (from being drunk) for 5 rounds with a DC X Fortitude save - inflicting the drunk condition.
- The next part, the sickened condition I'd remove. People do NOT like drawbacks on their magic items. It already has a drawback from being improvised.
- Throwing weapon - What's B/P? Does it dead 1d4 damage? And it's then lost, for a 19K item? Noooo. Just give it the broken condition and let it not be usable until fixed. (mending spell or similar).
- Disarming it ends the effect. Stop it there, the method shouldn't matter, and should not be down to GM discretion. (Voters and Judges do not like that, as it put additional strain on the GM).
Requirements:
-Craft Feats should be listed first. You need to settle on one of the Craft magic item feats. Is it a weapon or is it an item? Everything so far that you've done with it indicates weapon, so I'd go with "Craft Magical Arms and Armor". Craft Brew 5 ranks- fair enough, but it's a bit odd to include skill requirements in items. (One of the things that my own Brass Helmsman got called out on in Season 9).
The spells seem fine as does the price (unless it's changed of course).
3 more things to note:
- The player can break it - does that give it the broken condition? So that it's now BOTH broken and Improvised, and will need fixing afterwards?
- I know my players. The first thing they'll say is "That's a potion. So I'll break it open and drink it". What happens then?
- Why is it such a nice looking bottle, when the drink is swill? Tie the two together, and make the bottle disgusting. Think the Bottles of Rum that CAPTAIN (he insists on it) Jack Sparrow drinks in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I know that the first time you get feedback it's a bit disheartening, but unfortunately that's something every designer experiences. It is always meant in the best of spirits (pardon the pun) and I hope the feedback is useful. :)
Contributor
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Great to see new folks join the Blazing 9!
I agree with Kim, the dagger needs work on multiple levels. Other than the things Kim mentioned (name, formatting, math, drawbacks, etc.), I noticed the item is also 381 words long, which is way over the word limit of 300 words in RPGSS. Considering that we're talking about a dagger, that tells me the item tries to be far more complex than it needs to be.
A magic item should have a clear focus, i.e. do one thing, and do it well. (Or several things that have a strong thematical and mechanical connection.) The item's mechanics should be straightforward and elegant. The dagger is anything but; it has a lot of rules fragments and custom effects that branch off the main idea that only make it more confusing to use.
Lastly, the concept needs rethinking. Using smashed bottles as impromptu daggers is definitely a well-known trope, but breaking the bottle over and over again just so you can use the item's main effect (and gain drawbacks that mostly negate the benefits) probably gets old after a few times.
In other words, simplify, simplify. Cool effects don't need to be complex.
Here's an idea for a dagger that IMO is pretty cool but mechanically straightforward.
"Once per day, when the wielder hits a creature with a ranged attack using this +1 dagger, she may teleport to a square adjacent to that target as an immediate action. Her hand appears on the hilt of the dagger, and as a free action, she may make a melee attack against the same target with the dagger. The target is treated as flat-footed against this second attack. After this attack, the wielder cannot take any other actions until her next turn."
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Nice-Cream
Aura strong conjuration; CL 12th
Slot none; Price 300 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
DescriptionThis baby blue sugary snack is cold to the touch. This snack tastes better to the innocent. Using Nice-Cream requires a standard action that involves consuming the food in it’s entirely. Good characters are healed 50 hit points upon consumption, and it tastes sweet and refreshing. Neutral characters are healed 35 hit points and tastes of a warm grape juice. Evil characters that consume this treat are healed 10 hit points and the taste is repulsive.
Evil creatures with the outsider template or creatures with the evil subtype are only healed 1 hit point, and are sickened.Construction
Requirements Brew Potion, detect evil, heal, ray of frost; Cost 150 gp
Your formatting looks OK though there you do have some errors in it.
As this is a sugar snack -- not a potion -- you should use Create Wondrous Item. That's the correct feat, not Brew Potion.
The pricing is totally off for this item. A potion of CMW costs the same thing and heals a fraction of what this does (unless the PCs are evil, which tends to be rarer). If this were a one-shot heal spell, it should cost 3,300 gp -- maybe you can bump it down a little because it doesn't heal quite as much or cure all the conditions, but not to less than a 10th of the price.
Your caster level is also off -- your main spell is heal, which should give it a caster level 11.
The item's name should be lowercase and italicized in the body of the item.
I don't think you really need detect evil or ray of frost in the requirements. Other items that have different effects for different alignments don't bother (see robe of the archmagi, for example). Same with ray of frost; you can just say the item's cold, you don't need to have a reason. Unless it gives some effect related to a ray of frost, I wouldn't include it in the requirements.
I'm not going to judge content of the item too much as I assume it's based on the video game as you said. However, there are some other considerations to look at:
You use a lot of "to be," which makes for less exciting writing. You also have some fairly basic sentences. Try to mix things up a little more. For example, your first two sentences could instead read: "Cold to the touch, this baby blue sugary snack tastes better to the innocent." (Actually, while I like that sentence better in terms of construction, I'm not in love with it for a Superstar item. I like that first sentence to be something a GM could read aloud to describe to the players the item, and by including taste, you can't do that since the PCs wouldn't know that it tastes better. I do like that you included taste, though; getting more sense involved is smart and taste is almost a must for consumables.)
In the third sentence, you have "it's" when you want "its."
You mention evil characters are sickened but don't give me a duration on that.
Hello brubbelbuttons,
Welcome! Listen well to everyone's feedback. There is a lot of feedback to be had here.
:) If your just starting, I'd also take some time to read OTHER people's items to try to get a feel for what direction to move your design skills towards.
I'm going to give you some feedback that may be repeated from above:
Your name, it feels cool. "Feeling cool" is different then actually being a cool name. Naming is hard; a good name is evocative, and brings an item to life. Your item name uses a character name. That's considered bad form. The reader has no idea who this character is.
I can tell you've played of work with video games in the past due to the use of the word "stack". I like my video games too, and quite a many other people do. Stack is a term that represents a temporary state.
Sickened doesn't have Stacks. A creature is either sickened or not. Which is unfortunate. Though people before me bring up a really good point: people REALLY do not like drawbacks on magical weapons. The more you feel you need a draw-back; you need to take a step back and rethink your item a little bit.
Follow everyone's advice and you should go very far.
now if Only I could master that basic template...
*stomps off grumbling at his magic item template.*
Hi! I just discovered this part of the forum, and I'll join in!
Mask of the Huntmaster
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot head; Price 2400 gp; Weight 1 lb
Description
This wooden white mask makes no mystery about its tribal origins. It is old and worn but the painted black and red sinuous paintings seem fresh.
Once a day, the wielder of the Mask of the Huntmaster may cast scare by looking at a single target and saying "You are my pray." in any language. If the target's creature type is the same as the wielder's favored enemy (from the ranger's class ability), the maximum HD for it to be frightened is increased to 10 and if the target fails its saving throw by at least 4 points, it is paralysed as long as it is frightened.
Construction requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, scare; Cost 1200 gp
Hi! I just discovered this part of the forum, and I'll join in!
Mask of the Huntmaster
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot head; Price 2400 gp; Weight 1 lbDescription
This wooden white mask makes no mystery about its tribal origins. It is old and worn but the painted black and red sinuous paintings seem fresh.
Once a day, the wielder of the Mask of the Huntmaster may cast scare by looking at a single target and saying "You are my pray." in any language. If the target's creature type is the same as the wielder's favored enemy (from the ranger's class ability), the maximum HD for it to be frightened is increased to 10 and if the target fails its saving throw by at least 4 points, it is paralysed as long as it is frightened.Construction requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, scare; Cost 1200 gp
Activity is picking up; we must be getting close to Superstar time again. :)
Welcome aboard, Sliverik; I'm a big fan of masks, so looking forward to seeing what you've got here.
Your template use looks mostly good. You want commas in the price and cost (2,400 and 1,200). Also, Construction goes on its own line, with Requirements down on the next line (followed by the feat and spell selection). Oh, and you should have a period after lb.
Now to your item:
The name is OK. I like huntmaster as a good word. I tend to be biased against "of the" names, though they are sometimes the best choice/unavoidable (I think that's more of a personal quibble than a general board attitude).
I think you're going in the right direction with your first paragraph of description, but it falls a little short. I like the colors and materials, but little idea of what it looks like -- "tribal origins" doesn't really tell me whether it's meant to be African, Polynesian, Native American, etc. in style. I'd try to really describe what it looks like -- bulbous nose and chin? Feathers or fur for hair? Antlers, maybe? Remember, it's a fantasy setting so you can get fantastic with it.
As for its power, we'd mostly call it a spell-in-a-can, since it basically just casts the spell exactly as its portrayed in the rules (scare should also be italicized in the body of the item, as you have it in the requirements).
You do add the kicker ability with favored enemy, which is good and elevates it slightly from a SIAC. For Superstar, I tend to be a little wary of items that focus on a specific class/class feature, since it risks limiting its appeal, but others don't mind it. Certainly Monica Marlowe's item a couple seasons ago played off class abilities in a similar way so it's far from an auto-reject.
I don't like you defining what the command word is; Paizo doesn't really do that with its items, so you shouldn't either. (Also, you mean "prey," not "pray," I think; and wouldn't want a period there.)
I would probably elevate from frightened to panicked -- not paralyzed -- as that follows on the fear continuum, especially for such a low cost (being able to paralyze foes for 2,400 gp is a strong value).
Finally, I'm wary of slotted items that are 1/day, as it means players could use them and then take them off to substitute for another item, diminishing the "cost" of it being a slotted item. I'd make it maybe 3/day so the PC has reason to keep it on longer. Or give it a constant ability with a related several times/day ability.
Thank you very much Jacob about all the feedback!
It's the first time I actually try to edit an item to the basic template, so yeah, I forgot to italicize the spell name in the effect and to add the comma in the prices... thanks for pointing it out!
About the pray/prey, I have to say that... I don't know what I was thinking, really. That's the perfect reason to have creations being proofread before submitting them somewhere...
I will post a second version of the mask which will take into account everything you said, with no command word, a more complete description, etc.
While I'm here, I will take a look at brubbelbuttons' Drunkard's Dagger:
First thing first: I think you should leave your comments out of the item description. If you give information in these parenthesis, consider adding it in your actual item description instead.
I like the theme of the bottle, being a magic item for drunkards. On another hand, adventurers will use it in a fight, probably in the rogue's hands (or whoever uses non-thrown daggers the most).
The problem is that you consider it as an improvised dagger, which implies that the user suffers a -4 penalty to hit.
Then, you say several times that characters can become drunk, which is fully in the theme of the item... but if you specify in your comments that being drunk works as being sickened, you should write it down in the description instead, because other people might just take the drinking rules from the books instead.
Drunkard's Dagger
Aura: moderate varied; CL: 8th (min 8 for +2 greater magic weapon bonus, unless i'm mistaken)
Slot: none price:
** spoiler omitted **
I'll take care[/i]...
One super-quick note to assuage the guilt I'm feeling for neglecting this thread so long—I noticed there were a lot of alcohol-related items last Season. To the Superstar veterans who surround us, I ask, is that common? Or was that just a quirk of the season, like all the blood-related items.
Of course, this is just a Blazing Nine item, so it doesn't really matter, but I thought it was worth considering. Or I just wanted to do some of the aforementioned assuaging. I swear I'll go back and start giving some actual critiques once Paizocon is over!
Hey KC,
I'll be honest, I don't know. I think it was one of the quirks of this season, at least it seemed that way to me, from the snark threads. :P
And now, for a left-field type of question. This is more for the experienced (multiple-submission or runners-up), but I'm sure it's something that'll be handy for the new folks.
How did you find your pit-crew, assuming you use any?
My pit-crew last year, consisted of one person. And I think it'd be good for me to include more than just that person in it this year. I just don't know where to start looking. ;-)
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I also only had one person, but I have a foolproof plan this year.
*Deep breath*
HEY! BE IN MY PIT CREW! ———————————
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It's the first time I actually try to edit an item to the basic template, so yeah, I forgot to italicize the spell name in the effect and to add the comma in the prices... thanks for pointing it out!
About the pray/prey, I have to say that... I don't know what I was thinking, really. That's the perfect reason to have creations being proofread before submitting them somewhere...
Mastering the template is why we practice. Template use is a double-edged sword in voting, I think. On one hand, if it's egregiously wrong (which yours certainly was not), voters can be very quickly biased against an item; on the other hand, once you get beyond that, I think it becomes a tie-breaker as opposed to a major deciding factor -- if I like two items about the same, I'm likely to use template mastery as a means of deciding which to vote for.
Pray/prey is an easy mistake. I pride myself on my writing, obviously, and I still accidentally use the wrong "your/you're" or "its/it's" when I'm not paying close enough attention. I hate that, especially when I realize it too late to go back and fix it! It's also very easy to look over your own errors like that, so I definitely recommend having someone else proof it (though that has been controversial at times in Superstar as we straddle the line between getting feedback and getting design help).
Which segues nicely to the pit crew discussion. My first year, I had my two real-life friends I gamed with as my only pit crew (which, for the newcomers, is shorthand for the few people you ask to look at your submissions and give you feedback).
In subsequent years, I've used people I became friends with via this thread, or via PBP, or other game-design work (nowadays I have to be careful that I don't ask someone to be in my pit crew who then ends up as a judge, which did in fact happen to me once). I've had people ask me mid-competition to look at some of their later submissions because they've appreciated comments I made in earlier rounds. I think having at least one person familiar with the contest -- as opposed to just those who game -- is important as the things you're looking for are different. A SiaC can be a fine item (I had a character with a whistle of silence that I'd homebrewed, for example) but someone who's familiar with the contest will know it's not going to get very far.
I'd be careful not to make your pit crew TOO large. It can lead to paralysis as you try to deal with everyone's comments. To me, two or three people are perfect.
I discuss pit crews a little bit in this blog post from a couple years ago. It's actually got a lot of advice I still stand by and that, if you're serious about wanting to get in the contest, you could start on NOW.
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I offered open pitcrew-ing last year in a topic on this board about pit crews.
Hopefully I'll be able to do the same this year (if time permits).
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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Two contests ago (when I made Top 16) I was flying solo with no pit crew or review besides my trusty spell-checker. Last time I shared with a couple of guys in my home pathfinder group.
Now that I know a few more freelancers, I may reach out and see if some of them want to review each other's stuff.
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Contributor
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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I had 3-4 people on my pit crew each round + 4 playtesters in the encounter round. Some of these people were Finns, some Americans, some were new to the game, some had been playing since the 80s, and so on; a diverse bunch of people. Not all of them read everything I wrote, usually only 1-2 people read the whole thing and the rest only commented on my pitches and ideas.
By comparison, in my Paizo projects, I ask a freelancer friend to proofread my stuff roughly 50% of the time (the other 50% I simply don't have the time for that because of tight deadlines), and I still playtest my adventures with trusted folks who know their PFS. That's something *everyone* should do if you write adventures.
Ouch!
I'm generally happy to offer my opinions if people ask; I'm lucky enough to have enough friends now that I don't always share my designs just because I think that leads to paralysis as I get too many opinions back (I'm more likely to present my two or three "finalists" and say which of these do you like best?).
That said, I have to admit I don't know that I generally like open calls for pit crewing (sorry, Isaac). Not sure if that's my being curmudgeonly, being privileged because I know have a number of friends I can discuss game design with, being hypocritical (as noted, I'll offer my thoughts if people ask me), or what. I guess I feel like there's a slight difference between having someone you're comfortable enough to ask via PM/email and just offering the option to everyone. Hopefully that makes sense.
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As for my freelance work, I probably have about a third of it checked over by beta readers (I don't do as much adventure stuff, or that percentage may be higher). If I'm not feeling like my mechanics are 100 percent, I may ask some people (including Mikko) for feedback. I've also got a good enough rapport with some of my employers (Russ, for example) that I think I can point out something and ask them to take a closer look at it to make sure they think it's balanced.
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I agree with your preference of only asking a few people for their reviews (I think I sent out my item to 3-4 people last season, but reviewed more like 7-8).
As you mentioned though, some people don't have a starting point for pit crews like returning competitors tend to.
I tried running my item past a few gaming buddies but they weren't really interested in overall design so much as whether it was hypercompetitive in-game (like pre-nerf quickrunner's shirt or jingasa).
For sure, and some people were concerned we'd see must-buy items in the top 36 in Season 9 (since it was the first time not having judges make the final decisions). Didn't pan out like that though.
The voting pool has Spike/Johnny/Timmy/Vorthos/Melvin and you want to fire on all cylinders.
Welcome Azouth!
Favored Form Ring
I dinnae have much to add that others haven't already done so.
This item inspired me, so it is going get a lot of up-votes from me, at least initially. Nice job :)
Welcome Jace!
I am new to making magic items, but here is my first try.
Headband of Voices
My first two comments, about weight & slot, are inaccurate so congratulations on your homework.
I really like your imagery, and it is a solid item. Mostly upvote through the first half.
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Nice-Cream
Still an enjoyable item, nice job Jarret
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Welcome Silverik!
Hi! I just discovered this part of the forum, and I'll join in!
Mask of the Huntmaster
Everything I wanted to comment on was already covered by Jacob, but I do have an embarrassing story that is relevant.*
My relevant story, especially since it is from the very first Blazing 9 thread. Seaweed Greaves played with the then-new ranger's favored terrain. I ran spellcheck & MS Word didn't recognize an obscure part of armor. It did give me a homonym. 'Greeves' didn't look correct to me, so I went with what it offered. RPGSS Matt Goodall graciously pointed out he wanted to weep as he was reading it.
Hi Curaigh, thanks for the feedback!
The mistake you point out (z in paralyzed) is a typical case of me not being a native english-speaker... I learned the british english, which says "paralysed".
Paizo being american, it is a fair point, and I will try to make my best and use american english when I know the differences...
The description of the item was very short, because it is what I find most difficult to write: a description that sounds good is not easy to find! (But that's why training is for, right?)
I will post this week a second version taking into account your comments as well as Jacob's.
In that case may I suggest you include a native speaker in your pit crew/critique circle. Several people here will be happy to help. As long as you are only asking for help with the language and not the content, it doesn't even need to be a gamer. Template-fu, for example, usually offers to look over anyone's template use. He doesn't look at content (I don't think) and the same can be done for English.
The Blazing 9 thread was started to help me get a pit-crew that knew something about design and not just 'that's cool!' That's mostly what my home-group offered. Now I think of it as a chance for newcomers to build their own crew. Find a few folks whose critiques you like and ask them. Do not be offended if they say no, after 6 years of Blazing 9, many of us are in too many. Not only can too many reviewers lead to paralysis, but too many reviews can take a lot of time. Time that could be spent developing your own work, especially important with the short turnaround of the last two years. Also I had a page of item ideas when RPGSS was announced last year, and three of my favorites looked like eerily similar to the first few I reviewed. Not only was I worried it would look like copying, but any comments I made became suspect in my head.
The primary purpose of this thread is practice though. Of course the more practice you make here in the thread, the more you will be able to edit your own work for the small stuff freeing more of your time for the content.
I am glad to help and look forward to your rewrite. :)
Also I had a page of item ideas when RPGSS was announced last year, and three of my favorites looked like eerily similar to the first few I reviewed. Not only was I worried it would look like copying, but any comments I made became suspect in my head.
Two seasons ago (I think), I looked at one of the Wasko's items (I think it was Nick). It was almost exactly the same item as I was working on. That was awkward...
Also I had a page of item ideas when RPGSS was announced last year, and three of my favorites looked like eerily similar to the first few I reviewed. Not only was I worried it would look like copying, but any comments I made became suspect in my head.Two seasons ago (I think), I looked at one of the Wasko's items (I think it was Nick). It was almost exactly the same item as I was working on. That was awkward...
Great minds... (posted from Paizocon!)
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Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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Hi Curaigh, thanks for the feedback!
The mistake you point out (z in paralyzed) is a typical case of me not being a native english-speaker... I learned the british english, which says "paralysed".
Paizo being american, it is a fair point, and I will try to make my best and use american english when I know the differences...
I use MS Word to write down my items' descriptions and set the Language to English (US) rather than English (GB) to avoid the very same pitfalls ;-)
Apparently the Paizo interface also uses English (US) as its reference, since I can see a red line under "paralysed" while quoting your post.
I use MS Word to write down my items' descriptions and set the Language to English (US) rather than English (GB) to avoid the very same pitfalls ;-)
Apparently the Paizo interface also uses English (US) as its reference, since I can see a red line under "paralysed" while quoting your post.
It might just be the spellchecker that's built in to your browser too. :P
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Hey Jace, welcome aboard...
Your basic template use looks pretty good. The only thing that really leaps out at me is your spells should be lowercase. You also have spaces between a couple of the spells and the following commas in the body of the item.
I like the description of the item, but try to avoid using "is" or other forms of "to be," as they're passive writing. Sometimes you can't avoid it, but you could, for example, write, "Three entwining metal brands, two of silver and one of gold, wind around the wearer's head to encircle a rune-carved diamond in the center of the forehead." (You also need to make it "wearer's" to make it possessive and I would hyphenate "rune-carved."
Now obviously you don't want to do your best ideas in the practice thread, but your item seems to be a bit of a SAK (Swiss Army Knife) and SiaC (Spell in a Can). It gives the Charisma bonus that is similar to a headband of alluring charisma and then adds on the language kicker, which almost functions as a staff. While this could be a perfectly good item for a home-brew campaign, for Superstar you'll definitely want to try to bend the rules a little more. Perhaps the item could affect language-dependent spells in some way, for example.
Some other thoughts:
* Most items don't point out that the wearer must say a command words that's different for each spell. That's probably getting a little too much into the nitty-gritty of the item's function. It's generally assumed you need a command word to activate an ability like that. If you want to emphasize it, you could write "On command..." or something like that.
* For Superstar, I'd be careful about drawbacks for an item. Yes, it may seem very fitting -- yours makes sense here, for example -- but it's just going to turn off potention voters, IMO. Also, that sentence is a little awkward: While I can certainly figure out who "their" head refers to, I'd probably write "the wearer's head," as it's only worn by a single person.
Welcome Jace! I've been away busy with things, but I want to welcome you to a wonderful group of magnanimous peers.
I'll give you my 2 cents on your item.
I think your template and pricing are very well executed. That's half the battle in RPG superstar to standing out. I don't notice any particular flaws.
Though; I think our own Template Fu is the one to listen to on that front.
Jacob's feedback is very valuable, I can only reinforce that the drawback while minor at the level the item could be afforded, should be overlooked for RPG superstar. Your drawback is on theme, and well thought out. I commend you for that; but most adventures are not willing to suffer any penalty for using a magical enhancement.
Another thing you'd want to consider is how similar is this item to others. For people with low charisma, this will be just a +2 Charisma circlet. Not a bad item, but, very expensive, and... there are cheaper items that do that effect.
The spell effects are where this is at, and; while the chosen spells fit. I'd suggest cutting one or two of the spell, to avoid the Swiss-Army-Knife magical item classification. Emulating spell effects (or simply writing a magical item that casts a single spell) generates what is affectionately nicknamed a spell-in-a-can. We've all made a few of them and sometimes, they are nice. But; they are fundamentally less interesting then a whole new effect.
Spell-in-a-Can's do not do well for this competition. There is a very good set of blog entries that turn a sword that casts fireball into a much more interesting sword. I suggest reading it here.
Welcome Jace!
I am new to making magic items, but here is my first try.
Headband of Voices
My first two comments, about weight & slot, are inaccurate so congratulations on your homework. & it goes to show no matter how many of these one has done, it is always good to check pre-conceptions at the door. :)
The intro sentence is very long. An active voice will help, but it is full of some pretty good imagery. Cutting will be difficult, but a good thing to learn. If some of that imagery could be switched to a sense other than sight it might seem less long too. (IMHO Visual, visual, visual seems more repetitive than visual, audio, tactile.) As an item about languages, an audio image would be good.
if this is going to stray from the standard format it has to have a cool reason. Most items are temporary for the first 24 hours, a week makes this into a plot item, that is it becomes uber-useful during a diplomatic mission, but not much for the rest of the year.
Be careful to avoid fixing a 'problem' in the game. This may not be your intent, but it comes across as a way to learn languages without spending skill points (spell slots?) or losing the Charisma headband.I really like your imagery, and it is a solid item. Mostly upvote through the first half.
I thank you all for your advice, and will try to take it all into account on future items.
Here is a new version of the Headband of Voices:
Headband of Voices
Aura faint divination; CL 5th
Slot headband; Price 24,200 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This headband is made of three entwining metal brands, two of silver and one of gold, that wrap around a rune carved diamond in the center of the forehead. When the headband is first put on, the wearer hears small voices drifting through their mind. When worn, this headband increases a wearers understanding of languages. In addition to granting the wearer a +4 bonus to the DC for any language dependent spells the wearer casts, on command the wearer can whisper messages into people ears from up to one hundred feet away as a standard action. This message must be shorter than thirty words, and the target of the whisper can reply with a whisper of ten words or less.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Eagle's Splendor, Message; Cost 12,100 gp
Activity is picking up; we must be getting close to Superstar time again. :)
Does anyone know when the next season starts?
Does anyone know when the next season starts?
Last year was mid-August (when items were submitted; I think it was announced a week or two earlier, though it was a quick turnaround). No idea if they liked the mid-summer date more than the holidays/start of the year, though.
Gen Con's Aug. 4-7 and I think it's probably safe to assume it would be after that. That, IIRC, is where they announced the contest last year so they could do the same thing again this year.
Following the Jacob's Advice, and the other feedback.
I'm going to post a Version 2. It has some changes. I'm mostly worried about making the writing more engaging, and better word choice.
Though, I ALWAYs want my templating to get better.
Version 2 Go:
Nice Cream
Aura Strong necromancy; CL 11th
Slot None; Price 3,800 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This baby-blue snack emanates a soft chill. A single wooden rod holds the frozen treat together, and acts as a comfortable handle.
Eating Nice-Cream requires a standard action that involves consuming the cold surgery treat. Doing so leaves nothing but the wooden rod in the center of the Nice-Cream.
Good characters that consume Nice-Cream heal 30 hit points of damage upon consumption. The taste is sweat and refreshing. Nice-Cream then removes the fatigued or exhausted conditions from the character.
Neutral characters heal 15 points of damage and tastes of warm grape juice. Evil characters that consume this treat heal 7 hit points of damage and the taste is repulsive.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wonderous Item, detect evil, heal; Cost 1,800 gp
Headband of Voices
Aura faint divination; CL 5th
Slot headband; Price 23,250 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This headband is made of three entwining metal brands, two of silver and one of gold, that wind around the wearers head to encircle a rune carved diamond in the center of the forehead. When the headband is first put on, the wearer hears small voices drifting through his mind. When worn, this headband increases a wearers understanding of languages. In addition to granting the wearer a +2 enhancement bonus to Charisma, if the wearer has at least a 14 charisma before donning the headband, the headband provides the wearer a number of spell effects. The headband must be worn for a week before any of the spells are usable, and treat the Charisma bonus as a temporary ability bonus for the first 24 hour the headband is worn. To use the message , ventriloquism , or tongues spells, the wearer must say a command word which is different for each spell. While worn, this headband gives a -4 penalty on Perception checks, resulting from all of the extra voices in their head.
• Comprehend Languages (constant)
• Message (at will)
• Ventriloquism (5 times per day)
• Tongues (3 times per day)
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Comprehend Languages, Message, Ventriloquism, Tongues; Cost 11,625 gp
just to compare the first and second version
Headband of Voices
Aura faint divination; CL 5th
Slot headband; Price 24,200 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This headband is made of three entwining metal brands, two of silver and one of gold, that wrap around a rune carved diamond in the center of the forehead. When the headband is first put on, the wearer hears small voices drifting through their mind. When worn, this headband increases a wearers understanding of languages. In addition to granting the wearer a +4 bonus to the DC for any language dependent spells the wearer casts, on command the wearer can whisper messages into people ears from up to one hundred feet away as a standard action. This message must be shorter than thirty words, and the target of the whisper can reply with a whisper of ten words or less.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Eagle's Splendor, Message; Cost 12,100 gp...
I like this new version, and it is good to see how critique is taken. There are still a few things, called out earlier, that remain in the new version though.
:) Nice work, keep practicing!
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Though, I ALWAYs want my templating to get better.
Version 2 Go:
Nice Cream
Tasty!
Welcome brubbelbuttons!
Late to the party but here's my idea.
Drunkard's Dagger
Dagger
Aura: moderate varied; CL: 8th (min 8 for +2 greater magic weapon bonus, unless i'm mistaken)
Slot: none price:
Again not much I can add that hasn't been covered, but in terms of posting, using a spoiler makes it difficult to reply to your item. A spoiler is a good idea for things that wouldn't be visible to the reader of a published item, such as math for pricing, design notes, and questions for your reviewers.
Is drunken a template? Google-fu is mentioned but I didn't find it. link?
A broken bottle is a good design area, though IMHO this wanders from any single concept into SAK.
Thanks for bringing the rewrite, keep them and/or others coming. :)
Here is the new version of my item! Thanks again for the feedback you provided!
Mask of the Huntmaster
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot head; Price 4,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Composed of white wood pieces tied together with strings, this mask seems very fragile. Two small round holes are pierced symmetrically and allow its wielder to see but there is no opening for the mouth. Instead, a monstrous mouth is painted to replace it.
The wielder gets the favored enemy: animals ability, which grants him a +2 bonus on Bluff, Knowledge, Perception, Sense Motive and Survival checks against animals. He also gets a +2 bonus on weapon attack and damage rolls against them. He can make Knowledge skill checks untrained when attempting to identify animals. These bonuses don't stack with those of the ranger's favored enemy class ability.
Once a day, the wielder of the Mask of the Huntmaster may cast scare by looking at a single target and using the command word. If the target's creature type is the same as the wielder's favored enemy (from the ranger's class ability or from this item's effect), the maximum HD for it to be frightened is increased to 10 and if the target fails its saving throw by at least 4 points, it is panicked instead of being frightened.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, scare; Cost 2,250 gp.
All changes are reflecting the most important comments given: I added a passive effect to the mask, which boosts its utility as an item for non-ranger caracters, and is a better item for rangers. I upgraded the price to take into account these values. The description changed, as you said: it was way too vague.
I decided not to change the name, but I had some ideas, none of which seemed better than this one. I know that the "of the" part may be a problem (I noticed it when I put it down the first time): it sounds a bit odd in english... Maybe "Huntmaster's mask" would be better, but then, it seems too easy... And I don't think it expresses the same as this name.
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Mask of the Huntmaster
I'm intrigued by the description here. It's not what one might expect from the item name, but I am curious if there is a reason why it is a fragile mask of white wood and string?
You should provide the type for the bonuses - generally it is an enhancement bonus, but competence and luck are sometimes used as well.
For requirements, in addition to scare you should include a spell for the favored enemy effect. Hunter's Blessing, or Instant Enemy might make good choices.
Cool item!