>:?Submit _Worthy_ Questions For Kobold Cleaver Here>,.


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{hacks KC's phone, changes ringtone to "Everything Is Slaadsome!" theme}


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Ha! I should have known once I appeared on this thread the cowardly pretender would go into hiding.


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It can safely be assumed that Kobold Cleaver does not have to pretend to be a coward. Cowardice flows naturally from the very center of his being.


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One more reason we're better - Goblins also update threads more often than kobolds.


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Goblin Cleaver wrote:
You attack your own people? That's not very lawful.

The needs of the many-leveled outweigh the needs of the few.

Steve Holt wrote:

Oh Tiny and unassuming Kobold,

Steve Holt?

Steve Erwin.

AM BARBARIAN wrote:

BARBARIAN HAVE SIMPLE QUESTION FOR CLEAVING KOBOLD:

AM YOU BARBARIAN?

IF NOT, WHY?

How many long-lived Feral Gnashers have you seen?

Take that number and divide it by 1.3333333(etc) and you'll have your answer.

John Kretzer wrote:

Why are you avoiding the question?

I mean do you realize how many edits I had to do to get that picture right?

I even took into account that you might have a reach weapon.

Literally every single one. And also about forty more, with a quickened fireball.

Look, there was a gnome in the center of the group! Or possibly a mosqui—You have no right to judge me!

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

Meh. Kobolds can wait at the end of the line; it is clearly much more important that Paizo's rigid anti-slaadi bias is addressed first.

I'm gonna ask again—are you sure you exist?

Piddle wrote:

Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip ...

I would like to point out that there is no stat block for poodles nor even a passing mention in the bestiaries and I ... oops

Yip yip yip grrrrrr yip yip yip yip yip

<piddles all over the thread>

Where's the button to summon the anti-poodle gelatinous cube? I swear I had it around here somewhere...damn it...

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

{hacks KC's phone, changes ringtone to "Everything Is Slaadsome!" theme}

That's the phone the poodle ate. I don't have a phone anymore; I carry out all my important calls via fax.

Goblin Cleaver wrote:

One more reason we're better - Goblins also update threads more often than kobolds.

That is also a reason you are worse.


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Which do you get more spam email for, "natural tail enhancement" or "herbal tindertwigs, no prescription needed"?


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Pillage first, then plunder? Or is it plunder first, then pillage? Or do I just burn everything?


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Having a long tail is actually seen as incredibly ugly. It's a societal thing. Much like fat is regarded as highly attractive by certain members of the human race because it ensures a longer life than being emaciated, long tails are regarded as highly unattractive because it gives monsters something to grab you by as you're fleeing.

Sadly, this has led to the somewhat barbaric practice of tail cropping, which is actually a major problem afflicting many parts of kobold culture, especially those in the "Darklands Down", as we try to call the lower and generally more dangerous regions where kobolds live, as many kobolds do not realize the severe health risks that can come with tail cropping, or are not even given a choice, which—

Sharoth wrote:

Pillage first, then plunder? Or is it plunder first, then pillage? Or do I just burn everything?

GIVE ME MY STUFF BACK


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Even the Slaadi Chaos Masters recognize the wisdom of the rule, "Plunder before you burn."

Now, given that Kobold Cleaver has already been plundered ...

*Sets Kobold Cleaver on fire.*


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Ceaser Slaad wrote:

Even the Slaadi Chaos Masters recognize the wisdom of the rule, "Plunder before you burn."

Now, given that Kobold Cleaver has already been plundered ...

*Sets Kobold Cleaver on fire.*

My birthday wish came true!


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Tsssssssssssssssssssssss


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Ceaser Slaad wrote:

Even the Slaadi Chaos Masters recognize the wisdom of the rule, "Plunder before you burn."

Now, given that Kobold Cleaver has already been plundered ...

*Sets Kobold Cleaver on fire.*

You are the Best Slaad ever.


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Ceaser Slaad wrote:

Even the Slaadi Chaos Masters recognize the wisdom of the rule, "Plunder before you burn."

Now, given that Kobold Cleaver has already been plundered ...

*Sets Kobold Cleaver on fire.*

Yay! Fire and kobold pain at the same time! This moment can't possibly get better.

*turns around to listen to something*

What? It's a boy? What's your point? I stand by my statement, it couldn't have, and hasn't gotten better. Leave me alone, woman. Good throw it in the cage with the rest.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:


Sharoth wrote:

Pillage first, then plunder? Or is it plunder first, then pillage? Or do I just burn everything?

GIVE ME MY STUFF BACK

~Draconic hiss~ It is MINE!!! ~blasts you with my frost breath~


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Hm...haven't seen this thread much lately.

*Checks*

Nope. Not locked yet. Darnedest thing.


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Only because I have not posted yet ... Lock away!


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I gues the mods think that this htread will keep you out of trouble.


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Sharoth wrote:
I gues the mods think that this htread will keep you out of trouble.

It was either this or heavy tranquilizers.


Yep. And given that there wouldn't be a decent ROI for giving Kobold Cleaver drugs letting him have a thread was the cheaper solution. Although whether or not letting him have a thread is cheaper than a round of .45 ACP ammo remains to be seen. I'd sure hate to see Paizo's bottom line take a hit over Kobold Cleaver.


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June Cleaver wrote:
Sharoth wrote:
I guess the mods think that this thread will keep you out of trouble.
It was either this or heavy tranquilizers.

I'd play it safe... This thread and heavy tranquilizers for KC.

Then we'll have pizza. And margarita shooters.


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KC, does it bother you when some Great Old One plucks a nightmare out of your head and visits it upon the southern half of an entire continent?


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What, my nightmare about Australia existing? Yeah. Yeah it kinda stings.


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Now I lay me down to sleep. As I do my favorite dream repeats. Kobold Cleaver being chased by all the venemous snakes in Australia. Poisonous snakes with hemotoxic venom. Poisonous snakes with neurotoxic venom. Poisonous snakes using a combination of hemotoxins and neurotoxins in their venom. Eventually Kobold Cleaver's screams for help are heard. Great Cthulhu comes on the scene. He reaches down, picks up Kobold Cleaver, and eats him. The dream ends. I wake up feeling refreshed and eager to face a new day. The poor venemous snakes in Australia, having had their prey stolen from them, plot how to do better next evening. Great Cthulhu takes a righteous dump, and the cycle is ready to repeat when I go to sleep again. :-)

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32

Kobold Cleaver,
Have you yet seen a "worthy" question in this thread?


Please do not post on this thread anymore. You have all committed shameful disgrace after shameful disgrace in lieu of submitting questions worthy of my attention, cruelly bullying and mocking the entire proud kobold race. You have ignored your bans, you have laughed at my pain, you have stolen my name, and you have not even followed the proper submission format. I am closing this thread. If anyone continues to post here, they will have my lawyers to deal with.

BANLIST
Everyone except me and Teter, who, need I add, IS A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND WHO HAS HIS FINGER ON THE BAN BUTTON FOR ALL OF YOU.


Post!


Deer Kobold Cleaver, do you real think that ANY of us will follow your rules?


NOOOOOOOOOO!

Is my answer to your question. But the penalties will be staggering. This is your last warning.


~Rereads your last post~ We can laugh at your pain? Good to know!


Also, I am not a deer. I do not know where you developed this notion.


~snorts~ You are so very right. Deer deserve more respect than kobolds do. I am sorry to any deer that I insulted.


Your mom said she calls you Deer because you also carry Lyme disease. And because she'd like to mount your stuffed head on the wall.


Somebody seems cranky. Did you wet your drawers again, Kobold?


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:

Please do not post on this thread anymore. You have all committed shameful disgrace after shameful disgrace in lieu of submitting questions worthy of my attention, cruelly bullying and mocking the entire proud kobold race. You have ignored your bans, you have laughed at my pain, you have stolen my name, and you have not even followed the proper submission format. I am closing this thread. If anyone continues to post here, they will have my lawyers to deal with.

BANLIST
Everyone except me and Teter, who, need I add, IS A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND WHO HAS HIS FINGER ON THE BAN BUTTON FOR ALL OF YOU.

*dances into the thread*

♪♫ Oh and we're posting,
Oh yes we're posting,
We're posting morning, noon, and nighhhht! ♪♫

*dances out of the thread*


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Please do not post on this thread anymore. You have all committed shameful disgrace after shameful disgrace in lieu of submitting questions worthy of my attention, cruelly bullying and mocking the entire proud kobold race.

You are by yourself a shameful disgrace who mocks the entire proud Kobold Race.


I wonder if you all understand the ramifications of angering the Red KC.

For the night is dark, and full of kobalds.

Dear Kobold Cleaver,
Is kobold worship still alive in Westeros?

Scarab Sages

Dear Kobold Cleaver,
Do you know Deekin the Bard?


I'm STILL waiting for those sunglasses you promised me! Where are my ray bans!?

June, I thought you knew that Kobold Cleaver doesn't wear drawers.

Sovereign Court

KC, who exactly are your lawyers?


I will, being a close personal enemy of KC, hereby volunteer to answer questions on his behalf, from what I assume to be his opinion. Please make them as embarrassing as possible.


zylphryx wrote:
KC, who exactly are your lawyers?

Three hobos he met on the side of the road, having shared a bottle of rotgut with and discussed philosophy, before promptly being vomited on by Hobo #3, as Hobo #2 passed out and defacated himself. One had a copy of "Law for Dummies" which was only missing 1/5 of it's pages due to impromptu wiping sessions, and was willing to work on contingency, which let's face it is really all KC paid attention to.


I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

Dear Kobold Cleaver,

Do you know Deekin the Bard?

Sort of. Deekin knows of KC. KC sent a letter to Deekin of his admiration. He even got one back. Most of it's contents was the phrase "cease and desist".


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Hello Gobold Cleaver,

I'm a reporter from the Fishwrapper Is it true that the lower levels of Tucker's Kobolds dungeons are just orgies of drugs and interspecies sex acts so depraved that even drow blush? Also, what are the logins & passwords to both your cellphone and your cloud account filled with incriminating and/or embarrassing photos?


Also, is there any truth to the rumor that you are actually five ferrets wearing a kobold suit?


Well this looks a fine place to chop Farmer McCoy's Pork Haunch


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Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:

Hello Gobold Cleaver,

I'm a reporter from the Fishwrapper Is it true that the lower levels of Tucker's Kobolds dungeons are just orgies of drugs and interspecies sex acts so depraved that even drow blush? Also, what are the logins & passwords to both your cellphone and your cloud account filled with incriminating and/or embarrassing photos?

Unfortunately, it not being Tucker's Goblins, I'm not 100% sure, but... I doubt it.

Kobolds are actually pretty prudish. They don't even do it on the corpses of their enemies while roasting gnomes over a fire and singing about killing dogs, which is pretty vanilla if you ask me.

Maybe there's drugs down there, though. That explains why all the defenses.

His Username and Password are "Hot4Deekin" and "Password". I know. I tried telling him.

The idea that he's five ferrets is ridiculous. Outrageous, even.

There's six of them, and one is a guinea pig.


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Pillbug wrote:
Also, what are the logins & passwords to both your cellphone and your cloud account filled with incriminating and/or embarrassing photos?

What the goblin said, though they're mostly pictures of Comrade Anklebiter cavorting with bankers and corporate fatcats. I was going to blackmail him with them, but it turns out he's dead broke.


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Pillbug wrote:
Also, what are the logins & passwords to both your cellphone and your cloud account filled with incriminating and/or embarrassing photos?
What the goblin said, though they're mostly pictures of Comrade Anklebiter cavorting with bankers and corporate fatcats. I was going to blackmail him with them, but it turns out he's dead broke.

What about the one of...you know...you...with the thing...under your tail...and the bottle of mayonnaise?


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Preposterous. Kobold Cleaver is a Miracle Whip type of kobold. :-)


Ceaser Slaad wrote:
Preposterous. Kobold Cleaver is a Miracle Whip type of kobold. :-)

It's actually store brand.

What I want to know is if that is a boil or a mole, or what?

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