>:?Submit _Worthy_ Questions For Kobold Cleaver Here>,.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:

Banned List (as of 5/1/2015):

James Jacobs, Milkaze, the stupid texan werewolf, all my relatives, and AngryNerdRageDemon are banned from my thread.

I have better things to do than deal with your hateful bile. Do not post here again, or I will immediately inform the authorities and see to it that you are banned to high heaven.

YOU can't ban ME! Especially not to high heaven!

Heehee, he t'inks I don' wan'na be banished ta high heaven! What'a rube! All 'dem angels fallin'... over my nerdy awesome!


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Bowser, King of the Koopas wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Bowser, King of the Koopas wrote:
Tried that, doesn't seem to be working. They just stop and wait for them to fall, then either jump over or wait for them to start rising back up then run under. Any other recommendations?

Um

S~#&
Okay, have you tried rolling things at them yet?

Yep, everything I can get my hands on. Giant swinging maces, bus-sized bowling balls, hells I've even trained some of my Troopas to kick their own shells at the bastards. Nothing seems to work! They just jump over everything!

They have this bizarre trick they do where they jump and spin. What the hell? I can do that, see? *jumps, does a half-turn in the air, lands with a thud, cracking the floor* Err, sorry 'bout that. Anyway. Except when they do it, they just... bounce! Off things that should be doing some serious harm! Spiked balls, spiked shells, high-velocity projectiles... even lava creatures! How the !#(^!??

I hate to put it this way but these guys ain't human. I'm gonna need some bigger guns here. Hence coming to kobolds. You guys have traps down. I need a better supplier! Buying from Magikoopas is just not cuttin' the mustard anymore!

Okay, I'm writing down the name of a supplier I know. In the meantime, I recommend not putting your magic items inside easily-accessible blocks located exactly where they'll be most useful. Also, you really should do something about all those open pipes in your facilities. Call a plumber before somebody uses them to break in.

Scythia wrote:

Do Kobolds exhale white smoke when a new leader is chosen?

We're trying to quit.

Bubba Graul wrote:

Kobold, does this outfit make my butt look big?

I said no family memb—oh, sorry, Bubba. Uh, no. No it doesn't.

Emperor Floyd wrote:

Hey is not John Kretzer not on the banned list?

Yes, strange cat I haven't seen before.

The 8th Dwarf wrote:

Kobold do you agree that the Duckworth–Lewis method is the best mathematical formulation to use to calculate the target score for the team batting second in a limited overs cricket match that has been interrupted by weather or other circumstances?

Uh...

8th Dwarf is banned from the thread.


Best. Thread. Ever.

Oh. Question...

What's your favourite trap ever?


You have not seen me before...why I am very popular among some on these boards...just check out all of my posts that get favorited...

So if John Kretzer is banned why is not on your banned list?

Why is James Jacobs banned?

Is Mikaze banned because he likes to kidnap kobold children (along with goblin babies, orc whelps, etc) and raise them like their humans?


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Okay, I'm writing down the name of a supplier I know. In the meantime, I recommend not putting your magic items inside easily-accessible blocks located exactly where they'll be most useful. Also, you really should do something about all those open pipes in your facilities. Call a plumber before somebody uses them to break in.

Alright, good, thanks. And yeah I'll get right on th-.... hey....


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Why did you tell me to turn left at Albuquerque?

Do you have any idea the b$#!#++# I've been through because of that!


Dear Kobold Cleaver,

Is it true that kobolds are more cuddly and huggable than us mangy stinky old pugwampis? {scribes summoning circle}

Also, what is your favorite kind of candy?


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How do you get to Alberta, Canada from Des Moines, Iowa?


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Hey do you realize by every edition of D&D (atleast up to 3.5) that kobolds are totally killable by house cats?


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I'm not sure he remembers that.


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Yep, kobolds are weaker than human commoners.


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Pathfinder kobolds are still no match for cats.

Liberty's Edge

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1. The situation described in this question is different in that the evaluation period is from when Mr. Gonzalez purchased the bond 4 years ago to today, when he is considering selling the bond. Here are some notes to help you understand the situation and what is being asked.
a) Four years ago Mr. Gonzalez purchased the bond from someone else for $920.
b) The bond pays interest at the rate of 8% per year with payments semi-annually.
c) Mr. Gonzalez wishes to have earned at least 9% per year compounded semi-annually over the 4 years that he will have owned the bond.
d) He is selling the bond to someone else – it matures sometime in the future after the sale.
Mr. Gonzalez wishes to sell a bond that has a face value of $1,000. The bond bears an interest rate of 8%, with bond interest payable semiannually. Four years ago, $920 was paid for the bond. At least a 9% (per year compounded semi-annually) rate of return (yield) on the investment is desired. What must be the minimum selling price?


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Woohooo


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littlehewy wrote:

Best. Thread. Ever.

Oh. Question...

What's your favourite trap ever?

It turns all adventurers within the radius into rogues.

Sadly, it has since been nerfed. :(

Banned List (as of 5/2/2015):
James Jacobs, Mikaze, the stupid texan werewolf, all my relatives, AngryNerdRageDemon, 8th Dwarf, and John Kretzer are banned from my thread.

I am aware that some have been ignoring this policy. Please be informed that I am quite prepared to involve the authorities. I have Gary Teter and Vic Wertz on my speed-dial phone, and they are good friends of mine, and they are mad as s$%& right now. We are laughing at how screwed you are. Gary is making a hilarious joke regarding James Jacobs's hair. It is priceless. Do not f@@& with the banlist. The banlist will be your undoing.

Emperor Floyd wrote:
Why is James Jacobs banned?

ASK THAT HATE CRIMING SCALE-SHAMER YOURSELF

Mikaze wrote:
Is Mikaze banned because he likes to kidnap kobold children (along with goblin babies, orc whelps, etc) and raise them like their humans?

He won't let me try to launch babies from giant slingshots.

Mythic Bugs Bunny wrote:
Why did you tell me to turn left at Albuquerque?

I thought I told you to turn straight down. I was hoping you'd hit lava.

Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:
Is it true that kobolds are more cuddly and huggable than us mangy stinky old pugwampis? {scribes summoning circle}

Oh god who let the pugwampi out of his box

Get the broom

S&!+ the broom's on fire, put it out in the water bucket

WHAT ARE THE F#%~ING ODDS THERE WOULD BE GASOLINE IN THAT BUCKET

Mythic Bugs Bunny wrote:

How do you get to Alberta, Canada from Des Moines, Iowa?

Take a left turn at Devonport.

Emperor Floyd wrote:

Hey do you realize by every edition of D&D (atleast up to 3.5) that kobolds are totally killable by house cats?

Why do you think we live underground?


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Dear Kobold, have you also thought about bannng yourself?


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Dear Kobold, Why do you keep sending me nude selfies on Snapchat?


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If it takes six hours for one kobold to excavate a 5ft square, how long should I give four kobolds to excavate 50 square feet, and is it a bad sign that they asked for payment up front?


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Scythia wrote:
If it takes six hours for one kobold to excavate a 5ft square, how long should I give four kobolds to excavate 50 square feet, and is it a bad sign that they asked for payment up front?

The better question is how many castings of unseen servant does it take to fill in the kobold-containing hole, smothering them all before they can dig themselves out.


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Why is the hole needed, they're Kobolds just dump em in some random ditch


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Dear Kobold, How much would a wood chuck wood if a wood chuck could chuck wood?


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Dear Kobold, cay you please give me the full number of pi?


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Sharoth wrote:
Dear Kobold

I misread this as "deer kobold", which could either be a small scaly deer with a more reptilian tail, or a deer/kobold centaur... both of which are disturbing and amusing by turns.


Kobold Cleaver wrote:


Bubba Graul wrote:

Kobold, does this outfit make my butt look big?

I said no family memb—oh, sorry, Bubba. Uh, no. No it doesn't.

You know, if we were kin, you'd be kinda cute.


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

What kind of Classical music should I play to get the cows to produce more milk?

I've been trying Rolling Stones, but that's only turned them into a Biker gang and they keep harassing poor misses Beadle next door


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How are you catching up to me so fast? You don't even have a fun sub topic like I do in tea.

I'll have you know I've sent an apb to my minions to assemble and mobilize to action against you!

PREPARE YOURSELF SCALED ONE! YOU FACE MY CAFFEINATED WRATH!


I just got this obnoxious PM from some inferior caffeine user who thinks HIS thread is worthy of beating this one. Obviously, no one who uses such terrible forms of caffeine as green tea deserves a thread capable of taking on anything, even a kobold. Thus, I am bumping this thread to help it surpass thegreenteagamer's thread!


Say, Kobold Cleaver, you never got around to anwering my question from the Civil Discourse on Rogues thread!

I wrote:
Stalker edgewalker edgewalker factotum factotum edgewalker factotum factotum factotum edgewalker edgewalker factotum luckbringer edgewalker factotum edgewalker factotum luckbringer luckbringer edgewalker stalker stalker luckbringer stalker stalker edgewalker luckbringer stalker stalker luckbringer luckbringer edgewalker stalker factotum factotum edgewalker stalker edgewalker factotum stalker edgewalker edgewalker luckbringer edgewalker factotum factotum factotum luckbringer luckbringer factotum edgewalker stalker factotum factotum edgewalker stalker luckbringer stalker stalker edgewalker luckbringer factotum stalker luckbringer luckbringer factotum stalker luckbringer stalker stalker stalker luckbringer stalker edgewalker stalker factotum stalker edgewalker edgewalker edgewalker stalker luckbringer factotum factotum stalker stalker edgewalker luckbringer luckbringer stalker stalker edgewalker stalker luckbringer edgewalker edgewalker factotum edgewalker luckbringer luckbringer?


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Sharoth wrote:
Dear Kobold, have you also thought about bannng yourself?

ANNOUNCEMENT: Sharoth is on Probation +11.

June Cleaver wrote:

Dear Kobold, Why do you keep sending me nude selfies on Snapchat?

Mom, I was trying to ask you about the growt JUNE IS STILL BANNED

Scythia wrote:

If it takes six hours for one kobold to excavate a 5ft square, how long should I give four kobolds to excavate 50 square feet

That will take at least one year. Maybe less long if you pay double.

Scythia wrote:

and is it a bad sign that they asked for payment up front?

Wow.

Wow.

Way to just mistrust an entire species there, Scythia. Thanks for the hate crime. I'll see you in court, mate.

Sharoth wrote:

Dear Kobold, How much would a wood chuck wood if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Um...true.

Sharoth wrote:

Dear Kobold, cay you please give me the full number of pi?

3.141599999999999999999999999999999999999999—————————————————————————————————————————————

Bubba Graul wrote:
You know, if we were kin, you'd be kinda cute.

Um.

*Blushes*
*Pause*
Bubba Graul is banned from my thread.

captain yesterday wrote:
What kind of Classical music should I play to get the cows to produce more milk?

*Continues blaring bad dance music*


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thegreenteagamer wrote:

How are you catching up to me so fast? You don't even have a fun sub topic like I do in tea.

I'll have you know I've sent an apb to my minions to assemble and mobilize to action against you!

PREPARE YOURSELF SCALED ONE! YOU FACE MY CAFFEINATED WRATH!

Literally nobody likes tea. Literally. They just think they do because they haven't had real tea.

Same goes double for coffee. They should call it gagg-ee. Get it? Coff-cough, and...you get it.

137ben wrote:
Say, Kobold Cleaver, you never got around to anwering my question from the Civil Discourse on Rogues thread!

Sadly, there are no good answers to that question. I will say this, though:

Rogue rogue rogue unchained, rogue rogue rogue rogue investigator rogue. Rogue rogue rogue bloat rogue rogue goblin baby rogue rogue rogue. Rogue rogue rogue, rogue rogue rogue ninja rogue. Rogue invisibility rogue.

Rogue rogue.


Howdy KC,

Have you seen my box of hopping tarantulas? I didn't want to bug anyone, but they haven't eaten today, and that often makes them cranky.


Wolfie, I have not, nor do I care about your amateur pet-managing skills.

Why am I up on the table? Why wouldn't I be? Tables are fun. Tables are nice. Tables are wait did you say jumping spiders

Silver Crusade

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Why is it people always have a thing against spiders...?


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Dear KC,

Do you ever plan on calling me?


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I have my own hotline, thank you very 난 내가 더 이상 말할 수로되어있어 어떤 언어 모르겠어요.


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Deer Kobold, can you please tell me how many kobolds it would take to make my kobold skin boots. I like alligators too much.


*wink wink, nudge nudge* Ehhehhehhehheheheheeeeh


I seem to have lost a Vorlon, have you seen it?

Liberty's Edge

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Yes, Zathras understand. Everyone always coming to Zathras with problems. Big responsibility but Zathras does not mind. Zathras trained in crisis management.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:

You all asked for it, whether you knew it or not, and now you shall receive.

Submit here your questions for Kobold Cleaver, God-King of the Locked Wastelands, Bane of Orderkeepers, Postmonstyr Botherer, Bluefolk Denier (or sometimes bluefolk-kobold hybrid, he's kind of inconsistent about it), Speaker to the Self, Spammyr of Worlds, Respected and Admired Friend to Sebastian the Monstrosity, Linker of Stupid Youtube Clips, Irritant to Community Managers, and also he sometimes talks about ponies I guess?

Minimum-Maximum Wordcount: 10-15 words per question. No more please. I do not have time for more.
Deadline for Submission: All questions must be submitted before midnight MDT on 4/30/2015.
Maximum Question Count: Kobold Cleaver, Crafter of Titles, will accept no more than ten questions.
Respect Levels Required In Questions: MAXIMUM
Sass Levels Permitted In Questions: MINIMUM

Failure to abide by these simple rules will lead to your being banned from my thread. THESE ARE ORGIINAL ANSWERS; DO NOT STEAL THEM WITHOUT MY *EXPRESS* PERMISSION OR I WILL PURSUE YOU WITH THE FULL WEIGHT OF THE MESSAGEBOARD COPYWRITE LAWS.

don't like, don't read! :)

Well, since the date for submitting questions to you has now passed, and you haven't posted further officially reopening the submission process, it looks like you don't want this thread any more.

<Starts measuring the thread to check if it's the right size and shape for a cafe which serves afternoon tea.>

Oh, yes, and feel free to put us on your 'banned' list. For 'CE inclined' denizens of the Abyss, any rule, order, prohibition, restriction, or similar exclusion directive along the lines of something saying 'ABSOLUTELY NO CREATURES REMOTELY RESEMBLING A SUCCUBUS ALLOWED IN HERE WHATSOEVER!!!' counts as a gilt-edged invitation, a chat-up line, and a welcome mat all rolled up into one enticing package...

Disclaimer:
Posts by Ask A Succubus Enforcer represent the view of a CE inclined 'ideally shaped' resident of the Abyss who may have spent slightly too many afternoons working out in a gymnasium recently.
They in no way, shape, or form indicate that this thread may be subjected to an extremely 'friendly' takeover by a sorority of like-minded Ladies who feel that hijacking someone else's bandwagon is considerably more stylish than starting one's own...


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Are my testicles big enough?

This guy kept asking me last night "where's your balls dude!!"

I would link a picture but alas the last place did not like that (stupid church!)


Sharoth wrote:
Deer Kobold, can you please tell me how many kobolds it would take to make my kobold skin boots. I like alligators too much.

At least one gnome.

Ask a Succubus Enforcer wrote:
Well, since the date for submitting questions to you has now passed, and you haven't posted further officially reopening the submission process, it looks like you don't want this thread any more.

I was using the kobold calendar, you ethnocentric bastard.

Ask a Succubus Enforcer wrote:
Oh, yes, and feel free to put us on your 'banned' list. For 'CE inclined' denizens of the Abyss, any rule, order, prohibition, restriction, or similar exclusion directive along the lines of something saying 'ABSOLUTELY NO CREATURES REMOTELY RESEMBLING A SUCCUBUS ALLOWED IN HERE WHATSOEVER!!!' counts as a gilt-edged invitation, a chat-up line, and a welcome mat all rolled up into one enticing package...

...

Demons are permitted on the premises.

captain yesterday wrote:
Are my testicles big enough?

How far do they evert during reproduction?

Also, I hate you for making me Google "lizard mating", "reptile reproduction", and finally, "hemipenes". BANNED.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:


Also, I hate you for making me Google "lizard mating", "reptile reproduction", and finally, "hemipenes". BANNED.

Mr. Kobold, do kobolds have hemipenises? And if so, do you get to add them together in dick measuring contests? I imagine that would be quite the advantage.


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It...doesn't help much.

...

...

Thymus Vulgaris is banned.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:


Ask a Succubus Enforcer wrote:
Well, since the date for submitting questions to you has now passed, and you haven't posted further officially reopening the submission process, it looks like you don't want this thread any more.
I was using the kobold calendar, you ethnocentric bastard.

She's flattered. She wants to know if you're available for a date?

It might be a good idea to find something else you plausibly have to do unless you reaaaally like bubble bath and lavender essence, which she has something of a fad for right now, although you did *NOT* hear me say that...

Disclaimer:
Ask A Succubus Provisionally TM is, of course, a member of a sorority of Very Advanced succubi, who (being denizens of the Abyss) have somewhat CE inclined views. They are of course, all Ladies, in the sense of being both aristocratic (well, a succubus *is* pretty much one of the most ideal life-forms that there is, as far as Tanar'ri go, thus this is entirely reasonable) and eccentric (although personages of other species and/or of different moral/ethical standpoints have been known to use other adjectives, more complimentary, but also considerably less refined).


Sorry, I have an appointment with some devils. You know, the type of fiends that actually matter.


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Now that I've just spent several hours sampling assorted gourmet teas I need to take care of some business. A thread run by a kobold seems to be the perfect place to do it as they don't care overly much for sanitation.

*Emits various bodily wastes.*

That felt better. May as well spawn as long as I'm here.

*Spawns prodigiously all over the thread.*

Now that I'm all nice, comfortable and relaxed maybe I should ask a question.

Mr. Kobold Cleaver, how many kobolds do you normally cleave in a day?


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Sorry, I have an appointment with some devils. You know, the type of fiends that actually matter.

I know he gets on your nerves sometimes, but Ward is not a devil.

...

He's a qlippoth.


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Who dares to try and stop the time bomb?!

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