Sorry for all the successive postings; I'm on spring break this week as well as a bit of a design kick, and I don't know when I'll next have the opportunity to work on this stuff seriously as we roll into the end of the semester crunch, so I want to get as much stuff on the thread as possible before I get swamped next month!
I'm going back through this year's contest and trying to redo my entries (excluding the item, since that's the focus of the whole thread), bearing in mind all the things I learned from RPGSS this year. I thought I'd start with the monster, since that was arguably my weakest entry. Below is the stat block for the monster concept I came up with for my adventure proposal had I made it to the final four; it fits the bill for all the monster round requirements from this year's contest, so I thought I'd give it a crack and see what I still need to improve. Let me know what you think!
This translucent apparition has a vaguely humanoid shape, except that its limbs fade into tattered strands rather than hands or feet. Its face is covered by a shield-shaped mask, with thin curved openings over the eyes and mouth that depict an unsettlingly jolly expression.
Thespis CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Medium undead (incorporeal)
Init +7; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +13
----- Defense -----
AC 17, touch 17, flat-footed 14 (+4 deflection, +3 Dex)
hp 42 (5d8+20)
Fort +5, Ref +4, Will +7
Defensive Abilities channel resistance +2, incorporeal; Immune undead traits
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 30 ft. (perfect)
Melee incorporeal touch +6 (1d4 Charisma damage)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 5th; concentration +9)
1/day — invisibility, telekinesis (DC 19)
----- Statistics -----
Str –, Dex 17, Con –, Int 12, Wis 16, Cha 19
Base Atk +3; CMB +6; CMD 20
Feats Alertness, Flyby Attack, Improved Initiative
Skills Fly +15, Intimidate +12, Perception +13, Perform (act) +9, Sense Motive +12, Stealth +11
Languages Common
SQ superstition
----- Special Abilities -----
Charisma Damage (Su) A thespis’s touch deals 1d4 points of Charisma damage (DC 16 Will negates). A successful critical hit causes 1d4 points of Charisma damage and 1 point of Charisma drain (instead of double Charisma damage). With each successful attack, a thespis gains 5 temporary hit points. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Superstition (Su) A thespis is nourished by the various superstitions of the theater it haunts. Whenever a creature commits a taboo act within a thespis’s lair, the thespis gains 5 temporary hit points and a +1 profane bonus on all attack rolls, damage rolls, and saving throws for 1 hour. Temporary hit points derived from consecutive taboo acts stack, up to a maximum of the thespis’s total hit points, but the profane bonuses do not. Furthermore, each taboo act immediately reveals the offending creature’s location and surface thoughts to the thespis, as though the thespis had examined the creature for three rounds using detect thoughts (Will DC 17 negates), and provides the thespis with one additional use of its telekinesis spell-like ability for the next 24 hours.
Taboo actions vary somewhat from theater to theater, but there are some superstitions that apply to almost all potential thespis lairs. Some of these universal taboos include: do not say “Good luck” inside the theater, do not whistle inside the theater, do not walk onto the stage while wearing blue, and do not say the last line of the play when rehearsing the full performance if there is no audience present in the theater. The GM may establish other superstitions that trigger this ability.
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban
Organization solitary, pair, or troupe (3-8)
Treasure incidental
When a dedicated performing artist is unable to complete his masterpiece due to his untimely demise, his soul sometimes becomes so frustrated by the unfulfilled ambition that it manifests as a malevolent spirit known as a thespis (plural: “thespi”). Thespi can inhabit any kind of performance space, but they are particularly prevalent in places where regular performers are also routinely exposed to mortal danger, such as Chelish opera houses or Lastwall amphitheaters.
Thespi haunt the performance halls where they worked in life, causing all manner of hazardous mishaps as an outlet for their unresolved disappointment. Local theatergoers who know the origin stories of such spirits frequently gossip about the methods of provoking or summoning them; these superstitions often spread to distant cities, so that even theaters that are not haunted still subscribe to the most common rules of placating the volatile apparitions, just in case.
Smoldering SackChris basically covered all the points I wanted to make (SIAC, inappropriate pricing, etc.), so I'm going to focus on how I would make this better.
My 2014 submission was also a storage item, and one point that several reviewers brought up was that you can only do 2 things with a bag: put stuff in and take stuff out. That doesn't give you a lot to work with, so we have to take those two functions and give them a twist. Given the theme you used for this item, here are some ideas I'd consider:
1) Make putting stuff in more interesting - Perhaps you can "charge" the effect (make the pyrotechnics last longer, or the fireball more powerful) by filling it with flammable objects. Perhaps putting certain objects in causes certain effects to take place (I'm thinking along the lines of the portable hole + bag of holding aftermath). Perhaps if a living creature dies within the bag it explodes as described, but also summons an angry elemental/fire-based undead.
2) Make taking stuff out more interesting - Perhaps weapons put into the sack and then taken out gain the flaming quality for a short period. Perhaps the user can reshape the pyrotechnics effect into a cone, or a semicircle, or a line (I could imagine any of these patterns being generated by flinging ash out of a sack). Perhaps you could dump out the coals to summon one or more flaming spheres that can be batted at targets with weapon attacks. Perhaps a "charged" bag (see above) summons a wall of fire instead of pyrotechnics.
I'm just brainstorming, so I know several of these suggestions break other rules (SIAC, SAK, monster-in-a-can, etc). Bags are difficult to make more interesting.
These are some pretty awesome suggestions!
I'll try to start reviewing items as soon as things quiet down a bit at work.
Meanwhile, have a look at this Blazing9 logo I threw together in a design tool. :)
Nice :)
I do the strict calculations according to the published rules, then round up or down according to comparisons to existing items (like you do) and approximations from unorthodox abilities.
Thanks of the reply, but I wouldn't rely on this formula. In my experience it often grossly over prices items most of the time. It might give you a good ballpark to begin with, and then maybe it won't. It works better when the magic item actually duplicates the spell effect (a spell in a can). But many items don't duplicate spell effects exactly so using them in the calculation is not accurate. If the helm could produce any type of item that a Lesser Phantom Object spell could produce, I could see using it for calculations. Though the spells I used are a better fit, I could have easily used Mad Hallucination and Delusional Pride to represent the effects of the helm. Though the DC would be lower, the effect would be the same (these are two spells I was considering). It is just a poor estimation unless the item is a spell in a can. I get that you adjust from the estimation, but the item's overall power is much more relevant than what spells are in the requirements. By the book formula and adherence to this method, the Batrachian Helm should be priced closer to 48,600 gp too, because it uses a telekinesis-like effect three times per day and has telekinesis in its spell requirements. It is priced at 26,000 gp, the same as what I priced my helm (by coincidence, I think). As SKR has said, pricing a magic item is more of an art than a science. I'm not saying that my price for the helm is spot on, but I think I was closer with 26,000 than 48,600 would be.
Helm of Phantom Armor Hubris
I think the mechanics have been addressed so I am going to skip to the part this is inspiring for me. Chances are three other people will post before I finish.
I would like to see a headband that upon command puts an illusionary great helm on the wearer. The helm might offer a little bonus to the wearer. Maybe an armor bonus. Maybe a bonus to resist enchantments and/or illusions. Maybe a bonus to cast enchantments and/or illusions.
More on this in a second.
The true power is the one you've given it (good call on ironmorph dust stealing this one's thunder). An illusionary set of armor on an opponent. The language might be cleaned up a little. If all the penalties of armor apply, you don't need to call them out. If all penalties except X apply it might be cleaner to phrase it that way. Again my filler is to go with dragon-hide armor, specifically the whimsical brass dragons. That saves your exceptions to druids and whatever wording would be needed. Dragon-hyde is a kind of flashy anyway and makes the hubris a little more understandable.
*now that I have changed your helm into a dragon-item the visuals cry out for a 'crest of horn' -ed helm. Some of the brass dragons abilities could be applied as bonus when worn: NA, fear aura, sandstorm, move sand, etc. I am partial to a line of fire breath weapon. All of these are of course phantasm/illusions, or maybe a one shot in case of the NA. YMMV
The item is an empty book cover and spine.
Cheliax isn't the only one with history constantly changing. & I am lost as to what purpose it might serve. (if you knew the correct history what would it change for your character, unless they are the rightful heir to blahblahblah. It might more interesting if the great visuals you have created were applied to contracts. A line deleted could be significant and before anyone signed anything, they would check it with this thing. Or a line could be written into a contract and the floating words above it are a clause that only one signee is aware of.
The visuals are good AA, but that is all this has at the moment.
EDIT: seems like I will perpetually be behind critiquing a few days, but meh we have nine months right :)
Ok, so I've taken the advice from you guys, particularly about the previous iteration of the rosary being a bit of a SAK, and refined it to focus on what people felt was its most interesting ability (the pre-emptive Pearl of Power effect), and I've changed it from being just divine spellcasters to all spellcasters, regardless of the deity they worship. So I present the new (and hopefully improved)..
Devil Bone Rosary
Aura moderate evocation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 39,000 gp; Weight 0.5 lbs.
Description
This string of pale yellow beads, evenly interspersed with nine devil's finger bones, whispers a litany dedicated to the nine lords of Hell to anyone who holds it.
When a spellcaster uses the devil bone rosary during their daily preparation of spells (or meditates over the rosary for one hour in the case of spontaneous spellcasters), the user gains the ability for twenty-four hours to invoke Asmodeus’ name up to three times as a swift action, causing the next spell cast by the user before the start of their next turn to not expend the prepared spell or spell slot. This ability can only affect spells with the evil, fire, or lawful descriptors of up to 5th level.
This ability can be used for up to nine levels worth of spells in any combination during the twenty-four hour period, and each time the ability is used a single bone blackens for each level of the spell affected. The devil bone rosary can bestow this ability to only one person every twenty-four hours, and it must be held or carried in order to use this ability.
When the twenty-four hour period has elapsed, the user must immediately expend a number of levels of prepared spells or unused spell slots up to the number of blackened bones. For every spell level that is not expended in this way, the user receives one point of Constitution damage that cannot be overcome in any way (such as by lesser restoration) except natural healing. This restores all bones to their original condition, rendering the devil bone rosary fully useable again.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wonderous Item, bestow curse, imbue with spell ability, creator must worship Asmodeus; Cost 18,500 gp
============
I've tried to get the pricing a bit more smoothed out as well, but as it's one of my weakest areas of design, I'd like to outline how I came to the above figures so that I can get advice about whether I'm on the right track with it:
The base effect: Bonus spell (5th level) + Bonus spell (4th level) = 25,000 + 16,000 = 41,000 (this is the most expensive combination that the item is capable of)
Item type: Slotless = 41,000 x 2 = 82,000
Special: Charges per day = 82,000 / (5/3) = 49,200
Discount: Drawback cost (25%) = 49,200 x 0.75 = 38,900
Rounded up to 39,000
My only other part that even I am unsure about is the drawback - with that sort of penalty, I think it might start moving closer to a cursed item rather than a wonderous item, but I went with it still because I think it's still fitting with the theme of a devil's contract (I'll give you free stuff now, but you'll pay for it later).
I wanted to put a save to resist in, but the word count was slightly prohibitive for that, and by the time a PC has this item, the DC (which would be a Will or Fort save of DC 14, I think) will be a negligible speedbump that will effect a PC maybe one time out of 8 at the most.
But, I'll now leave the critique in your good hands, and start to work on more critiques of my own.
I'm always hesitant to review stuff, because I feel like I can be overly harsh. However I plan on submitting stuff, so it only seems fair that I review as well.
This translucent apparition has a vaguely humanoid shape, except that its limbs fade into tattered strands rather than hands or feet. Its face is covered by a shield-shaped mask, with thin curved openings over the eyes and mouth that depict an unsettlingly jolly expression.
Thespis CR 4
XP 1,200 ...
I like the idea of this monster, because I love creepy theaters and I love Hastur. I don't love some of the execution though. First, the read aloud text seems a little clunky to me. It might be the word "except" that really throws me. I think this flows more smoothly, "This translucent apparition has a vaguely humanoid shape, with limbs that fade into tattered strands of yellowed cloth." I love the visual of the tattered cloth (again, very Hastur) and the creepy mask face, although maybe its face is the mask instead of just being covered by it?
The stats are fine, but a lot of it seems uninspired. Why invisibility and telekinesis instead of more on theme spells like hideous laughter or crushing despair(crushing despair's CL is too high, but you could make it an ability instead)?
Generally superstar monster abilities are really interesting, and the charisma damage is not. Also usually abilities require an attack roll or a save, not both (I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions of course). Look at the Allip, a very similar monster who does 1d4 wisdom damage with a touch attack and no save. Just let the attack do cha damage and don't make it an ability.
Lastly, I don't think superstition is likely to come up at all, at least not from the PCs. When I first read the part about taboo acts, I got excited that you were going to tie the Thespis into the Cult of Hastur where he so clearly belongs(floating tattered thespians! come on). Alas it was the wrong kind of taboo. Hastur's cult is all about indulging in deviant and self-destructive behavior and I wanted to see that involved in his abilities.
It seems like you maybe weren't going with a Great Old One Lovecraft themed undead here like I originally thought, but it's begging to be taken that way. Read the pathfinder entry on Hastur and see what I mean.
Obviously everything I said should be taken with a large grain of salt because I'm partial to Lovecraftian stuff, and super creepy weird stuff. That isn't everyone's bag. However I think with more interesting and useful abilities, this could be a really neat monster.
I'm always hesitant to review stuff, because I feel like I can be overly harsh. However I plan on submitting stuff, so it only seems fair that I review as well.
I don't think anyone comes to these forums to be coddled. I don't, at least. Only harsh criticism will make us better, so bring it on!
I think this flows more smoothly, "This translucent apparition has a vaguely humanoid shape, with limbs that fade into tattered strands of yellowed cloth." I love the visual of the tattered cloth (again, very Hastur) and the creepy mask face, although maybe its face is the mask instead of just being covered by it?
I love these edits. Already added them to my original document. I had the same thought about its face being the mask, I just failed to portray that in the text.
Look at the Allip, a very similar monster who does 1d4 wisdom damage with a touch attack and no save. Just let the attack do cha damage and don't make it an ability.
I actually used the allip as my model monster for the thespis, and I copied the ability damage text directly from the PRD, which actually does allow a save from its ability damage. That being said, I agree with you, and I think the attack shouldn't allow a save; I wonder if this was an oversight in the allip's publishing. I'm considering making the Charisma damage stick and adding some other effect to the thespis's touch, maybe hideous laughter or one of the other spell effects you suggested.
Lastly, I don't think superstition is likely to come up at all, at least not from the PCs. When I first read the part about taboo acts, I got excited that you were going to tie the Thespis into the Cult of Hastur where he so clearly belongs(floating tattered thespians! come on). Alas it was the wrong kind of taboo. Hastur's cult is all about indulging in deviant and self-destructive behavior and I wanted to see that involved in his abilities.
It seems like you maybe weren't going with a Great Old One Lovecraft themed undead here like I originally thought, but it's begging to be taken that way. Read the pathfinder entry on Hastur and see what I mean.
This is exactly what I was looking for by posting this on the thread. I am not very familiar with Lovecraft and have never heard of Hastur or his cult before you mentioned it here. Upon looking at the link you posted, I agree that the connection there is strong. I have a background in acting, so when I designed this creature I was shooting to make a monster out of the various theatre superstitions, such as "Don't say 'Macbeth' in the theater"; all the sample superstitions are taken from real life. This is what also informed my choices for spell-like abilities: I wanted the thespis to have the ability to manipulate set pieces telekinetically, causing the mishaps provoked by the superstitions. That said, I agree that they don't leave too much room for in-game mechanics. I will see if I can reconcile these two concepts.
I'm gonna tinker around with these suggestions and come back with a revised thespis soon. Thanks for the ideas!
Additionally Chris, if you have Bestiary 4, take a look at the picture of Hastur. He looks very similar to what you're describing (minus the mask, but I like that addition). If you don't have that book, just do a google image search and you'll find stuff like this image.
My bad on the allip, I missed the touch of insanity bit completely. So maybe allowing a save is the best thing. However I still think some other abilities would be more superstar.
As a side note, I had a couple of different ideas for modules and encounters in the later rounds, and one of them definitely involved using decadent nobles using opulent opera houses for weird rituals. I planned on using the king in yellow somehow, and I think a creepier more evil thespis would fit in perfectly.
It doesn't seem like, as written currently, that the thespis is really earning his CE alignment. He seems more like a CN trickster, which is usually a no no for PF undead.
Here is my revised critter. Let me know what you think!
This translucent apparition has a vaguely humanoid shape, with limbs that fade into tattered strands of yellowed cloth. Its face is a shield-shaped mask, with thin curved openings over the eyes and mouth that depict an unsettlingly jolly expression.
Thespis CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Medium undead (incorporeal)
Init +7; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +13
----- Defense -----
AC 17, touch 17, flat-footed 14 (+4 deflection, +3 Dex)
hp 42 (5d8+20)
Fort +5, Ref +4, Will +7
Defensive Abilities channel resistance +2, incorporeal; Immune undead traits
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 30 ft. (perfect)
Melee incorporeal touch +6 (1d4 Charisma damage plus emotional turmoil)
Special Attacks emotional turmoil
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 5th; concentration +9)
1/day — invisibility, telekinesis (DC 19)
----- Statistics -----
Str –, Dex 17, Con –, Int 12, Wis 16, Cha 19
Base Atk +3; CMB +6; CMD 20
Feats Alertness, Flyby Attack, Improved Initiative
Skills Fly +15, Intimidate +12, Perception +13, Perform (act) +9, Sense Motive +12, Stealth +11
Languages Common
SQ performer’s bane
----- Special Abilities -----
Emotional Turmoil (Su) A thespis’s incorporeal touch causes overwhelming distress in the target, imposing a -2 penalty on attack rolls, saving throws, ability checks, skill checks, and weapon damage rolls on any creature with Charisma damage (Will DC 16 negates). Each round, an afflicted creature has a 25% chance of suffering an emotional breakdown, falling prone and taking no actions for one round (the creature is not considered helpless). This prematurely ends any ongoing penalties from this ability. Penalties from multiple touches do not stack, but touches that occur after a breakdown may reinstitute the penalties. A creature reduced to 0 Charisma by a thespis’s touch is subjected to an emotional attack identical to a phantasmal killer effect (DC 16). This is an emotion, mind-affecting effect. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Performer’s Bane (Su) Whenever a creature uses bardic performance, uses any sonic or language-dependent ability (including spells), or makes a Perform skill check within 60 feet of a thespis, the thespis gains one additional use of each of its spell-like abilities for the next 24 hours.
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban
Organization solitary, pair, or troupe (3-8)
Treasure incidental
When a dedicated performing artist is unable to complete his masterpiece due to his untimely demise, his soul sometimes becomes so frustrated by the unfulfilled ambition that it manifests as a malevolent spirit known as a thespis (plural: “thespi”). Thespi can inhabit any kind of performance space, but they are particularly prevalent where performers are also routinely exposed to mortal danger, such as Chelish opera houses or Lastwall amphitheaters. Performance halls that also serve as shrines to Hastur almost always house at least one thespis, for the spirits are favored minions of the King in Yellow and his artistically decadent followers.
Thespi typically haunt the places where they worked in life, causing all manner of hazardous mishaps as an outlet for their unresolved disappointment. Local theatergoers frequently gossip about the methods of provoking or summoning thespi; these superstitions often become so popular that even theaters that are not haunted still subscribe to the rules for placating the volatile apparitions. Superstitions vary somewhat from theater to theater, but there are some superstitions that apply to almost all potential thespis lairs: do not say “Good luck” inside the theater, do not whistle inside the theater, do not walk onstage wearing blue, and do not say the last line of the play when rehearsing the full performance if there is no audience present in the theater.
EDIT: I just added the phantasmal killer effect.
OK, people are going fast and furious, so I didn't look at the earlier version of this beastie (and have some magic items to catch up on).
Interesting idea. I have to admit, the name makes me think of the old "Sports Night" episode, and a quick Google search shows me the origin of the name. I'm not sure I like it as a beast name, though I know obviously a lot of real-world myths do get translated to Pathfinder. It reminds me a bit of the Archimedean Lever that was submitted this year, which some people were concerned about the real name, since Thespis may have been a person. YMMV on this one.
I didn't do all the math, but I know I got dinged a bit for a similar idea with the guttersnipe of the ability damage plus other effect at these low levels, where players may not be able to resolve the problem. You do have a way to get rid of the turmoil, so maybe that sort of resolves it. Maybe let players also CHOOSE to take a round to resolve the turmoil (i.e. have a good cry or panic attack or whatever)?
I don't think emotional turmoil should be listed under special attacks. I believe that's typically for something in addition to the standard attack. I think you're covered by listing it as the "plus" factor in the melee damage area. (That's what I did with my flensing bite, at least.)
I think I agree with Mark that invisibility and telekinesis don't do much for me. Would a theater spirit really be invisible? I think some other emotion-affecting abilities might make more sense.
I don't think the phantasmal killer effect works. A character with a Charisma score of 0 is not able to exert himself in any way and is unconscious, which means he would automatically fail the save, I believe, and thus it's an instant death effect.
I like the performer's bane feature. That seems to really play well with theme and be a little more original of a mechanic. Honestly, I'd love to see that played up more. Make that do something a little more exciting than just recharge its own abilities...
OK, people are going fast and furious, so I didn't look at the earlier version of this beastie (and have some magic items to catch up on).
Interesting idea. I have to admit, the name makes me think of the old "Sports Night" episode, and a quick Google search shows me the origin of the name. I'm not sure I like it as a beast name, though I know obviously a lot of real-world myths do get translated to Pathfinder. It reminds me a bit of the Archimedean Lever that was submitted this year, which some people were concerned about the real name, since Thespis may have been a person. YMMV on this one.
I didn't do all the math, but I know I got dinged a bit for a similar idea with the guttersnipe of the ability damage plus other effect at these low levels, where players may not be able to resolve the problem. You do have a way to get rid of the turmoil, so maybe that sort of resolves it. Maybe let players also CHOOSE to take a round to resolve the turmoil (i.e. have a good cry or panic attack or whatever)?
I don't think emotional turmoil should be listed under special attacks. I believe that's typically for something in addition to the standard attack. I think you're covered by listing it as the "plus" factor in the melee damage area. (That's what I did with my flensing bite, at least.)
I think I agree with Mark that invisibility and telekinesis don't do much for me. Would a theater spirit really be invisible? I think some other emotion-affecting abilities might make more sense.
I don't think the phantasmal killer effect works. A character with a Charisma score of 0 is not able to exert himself in any way and is unconscious, which means he would automatically fail the save, I believe, and thus it's an instant death effect.
I like the performer's bane feature. That seems to really play well with theme and be a little more original of a mechanic. Honestly, I'd love to see that played up more. Make that do something a little more exciting than just recharge its own abilities...
More great ideas! I made several revisions according to what you suggested. I'll admit that I am somewhat married to telekinesis, just because I feel that really speaks to the stage mishaps triggered by theatre superstitions, but you and Mark have convinced me to lose the invisibility. What do you think of these changes?
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 30 ft. (perfect)
Melee incorporeal touch +6 (1d4 Charisma damage plus emotional turmoil)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 5th; concentration +9)
1/day — telekinesis (DC 19)
----- Statistics -----
Str –, Dex 17, Con –, Int 12, Wis 16, Cha 19
Base Atk +3; CMB +6; CMD 20
Feats Alertness, Flyby Attack, Improved Initiative
Skills Fly +15, Intimidate +12, Perception +13, Perform (act) +9, Sense Motive +12, Stealth +11
Languages Common
SQ performer’s bane
----- Special Abilities -----
Emotional Turmoil (Su) A thespis’s incorporeal touch causes overwhelming distress in the target, imposing a -2 penalty on attack rolls, saving throws, ability checks, skill checks, and weapon damage rolls on any creature with Charisma damage (Will DC 16 negates). Each round, an afflicted creature has a 25% chance of suffering an emotional breakdown, falling prone and taking no actions for one round (the creature is not considered helpless). This prematurely ends any ongoing penalties from this ability. During its turn, an afflicted creature may choose to willingly undergo a breakdown, ending the penalties. Penalties from multiple touches do not stack, but touches that occur after a breakdown may reinstitute the penalties. This is an emotion, mind-affecting effect. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Performer’s Bane (Su) Whenever a creature uses bardic performance, uses any sonic or language-dependent ability (including spells), or makes a Perform skill check within 60 feet of a thespis, the thespis gains one additional use of its telekinesis spell-like ability for 24 hours, as well as fast healing 5 and a +2 profane bonus to attack rolls and saving throws for one round. During this round, the thespis may attack the performer with its incorporeal touch from a distance of 60 feet as a ranged touch attack.
Dawncatcher's Crown
rewrite
Though I think this is cleaner, I feel like it has lost a little of the oomph. Mikko reasoning is probalby why but it may just be the fluff to crunch ration. I like the hemisphere on the forehead thing. I might suggest that the hemisphere becomes a circle* as it charges, that is it starts at dawn and the symbol rises as the sun does. Speaking of charges (1) and of dawns (2).
1 can you call these charges instead of minutes? Since minute is a game term and a real world term I fear it muddies the the language. It could be cleaned up by choosing a neutral word. This is compounded by the addition of rounds and hours in its use. Just my opinion: YMMV.
2. As this is a dawncatcher can it renew each day at dawn? I would argue against it because that phrase is overused, but in this case it works. I suppose on cloudy days, or under the jungle canopy would still work with that language and I don't think it is your intent (not to mention morning routines are glossed over in many campaigns (I have first watch so I can prepare spells in the morning...).) I guess I mean the mechanic for charging is taking up a lot of words that could be better spent telling us what it does. To clarify, dimming of sunlight is not wasted words, that is a cool ability. :)
Thanks Chris
Looking forward to contributing to this thread this year...dotting for now.
Thespis CR4
The other commenters pretty much noted all of my concerns from your earlier drafts. I think the Performer's Bane ability is much cooler now, and it's interesting since you don't usually see a monster that focuses on targeting the bard. The ranged touch attack was a good way to make the effect more potent.
Devil Bone Rosary
This is much cleaner than your first draft, and I like the ability you chose to focus on. It makes the higher level pearl of power abilities more available to lower level parties, but at a price - very diabolic in design.
Speaking of price, your math looks good - I'm not sure where you got the 75% for the drawback, but I think it makes sense and the price looks balanced.
I think instead of "one point of Constitution damage that cannot be overcome in any way (such as by lesser restoration) except natural healing," you should just say "one point of Constitution damage that cannot be restored via magic." It saves you some word count and flows more smoothly.
The second paragraph has a bit of a run-on sentence. Could you break that up?
----------------------------
And now, as promised, my reforged item! I did my best to incorporate all of the critiques I received, and if I missed any I will try to address them afterwards. BEHOLD!
Shackles of Toil
Aura moderate enchantment and necromancy; CL 7th
Slot wrists; Price 10,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
These cast-iron manacles feel restrictive and burdensome, but do not impair the wearer’s range of motion. Once per day, the creature possessing the shackles’ key may designate a single Craft or Profession skill. If the manacled creature goes 24 hours without perform labor associated with that skill, the shackles begin draining stamina and resolve. The creature takes a –2 penalty on its Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma scores and becomes fatigued; if already fatigued, it becomes exhausted. A successful DC 16 Will save resists this effect, but a new save must be made each day or another –2 penalty accumulates and the fatigue worsens. The creature’s ability scores cannot be reduced to less than 1 by this effect. No amount of rest can remove the fatigue.
The ability score penalties and exhaustion are removed 24 hours after the manacled creature resumes its assigned labor, though the key bearer may choose to end the effect earlier. If the key bearer is killed, banished to another plane, or otherwise prevented from exerting its will on the manacled creature, the fatigue and Wisdom damage immediately end until a new creature takes control of the key.
Shackles of toil have hardness 10 and 10 hit points. Picking the lock requires a DC 30 Disable Device check. A manacled creature must succeed a DC 28 Strength check or DC 35 Escape Artist check to break free. Any attempt to escape the shackles without the key results in the ability score penalty and fatigue taking effect immediately. Once free of the shackles, all penalties are immediately removed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, lesser geas, ray of exhaustion; Cost 5,250 gp
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I might also try to add a touch more flash to the description; that's where you get to show off your writing chops, so take advantage.
I was planning to do just that, but by the time I fixed all the mechanical errors I was at 291 words and couldn't really cram in anything of value. For my later submissions I will try to give more love to the flavor description.
This requires a 2nd item (the key) to work properly...doesn't usually go over well with folk.
Interesting effect, but this feels like a plot item already.
Very true, I hadn't considered that until you brought it up. While revising it I considered making each set of shackles tied to a certain type of labor, so there would be no need for a "key bearer" to give out orders. I finally decided against it because I thought giving the key bearer the ability to change the assigned labor made the item more versatile, which would be more useful if they cost about 10 grand. For my future items, though, I will avoid making that mistake again.
Upon reflection, this is definitely a plot item. Oops. I'll be sure to think about that for my subsequent items, so thank you for pointing it out to me.
PS - same goes for making the item valuable as a reward for the PCs, as Mike pointed out.
Maybe you could find something to replace Ray of Exhaustion (and maybe the exhaustion effect)
I wasn't a big fan of ray of exhaustion either, but it was the only spell that gave me my desired effect while still being roughly the right spell level. I suppose I could have just added penalties to physical ability scores as well as mental ones, but that would have made the effect identical to lesser geas, and therefore a SIAC. Plus I like the idea of magically imposed exhaustion being tied to toil, and the exhaustion effect makes the penalties add up more quickly (and thus makes the item more threatening) than a steady progression of -2 per day.
Thanks again to everyone who evaluated my item! I will do my best to take your advice to heart in all my subsequent designs.
Plus I like the idea of magically imposed exhaustion being tied to toil, and the exhaustion effect makes the penalties add up more quickly (and thus makes the item more threatening) than a steady progression of -2 per day.
I see what you're going for with "toiling" makes you exhausted, but it doesn't quite fit. As it is, a manacled character could spend one minute out of every 24 hours toiling and spend the rest of the time sitting in the shade and not become fatigued. But skip working for one more minute and he is suddenly fatigued even though he hasn't worked a second. There is no reason for the character to work more than a minute every 24 hours just to hold off the penalties. That is one reason I suggested putting a minimum time spent working in every 24 hours. I'd suggest a full work day of 8 hours or a full slave work day of 10 or 12 hours.
In any case, I do like your updated version better. You fixed most of the problems and it reads easier too. Good job.
Here is my first. It is intended for Wayfinder, which closes in 10 days. On talking with Wayfinder, we can submit a single article with multiple authors (750 or 1500 words) or we can submit individual pieces and the editors will combine into an article (similar to how they do the monsters). If you are interested in combining, please let us know. If you are sending an item individual also please let us know.
Hell Pyre Shield
Aura moderate abjuration and evocation; CL 5th
Slot shield; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
Sharp steel points twist and bend into stylized flames on this heavy steel shield. Deep red flames encase this +2 bashing shield when active, dealing 2d8 points of holy damage on bashing attacks.
The wielder receives a +2 shield bonus against ranged touch attacks or a +2 moral bonus to saves when targeted by abilities from cultish sources. This includes domain powers, mysteries, hexes, and spirit abilities, but does not include spells. The wielder can activate the shield as an immediate action when targeted by one of these powers, otherwise activation requires a standard action. The hellpyre remains active for 5 rounds.
While burning, the any successful melee attack from an outsider with the evil or chaotic subtype takes 1d6 points of holy damage. In addition the detect evil or detect chaos spell like abilities quicken, requiring a move action to activate and a free action to concentrate. When using the smite evil or smite chaos abilities the wielder may increase her Charisma bonus (if any) by 1 ½ on her attacks and to her deflection bonus versus the target of the smite. DOUBLE?
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Detect evil or chaos, protection from evil or chaos, searing light; Cost 15,000 gp
Here is my first. It is intended for Wayfinder, which closes in 10 days. On talking with Wayfinder, we can submit a single article with multiple authors (750 or 1500 words) or we can submit individual pieces and the editors will combine into an article (similar to how they do the monsters). If you are interested in combining, please let us know. If you are sending an item individual also please let us know.
Hell Pyre Shield
Aura moderate abjuration and evocation; CL 5th
Slot shield; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
DescriptionSharp steel points twist and bend into stylized flames on this heavy steel shield. Deep red flames encase this +2 bashing shield when active, dealing 2d8 points of holy damage on bashing attacks.
The wielder receives a +2 shield bonus against ranged touch attacks or a +2 moral bonus to saves when targeted by abilities from cultish sources. This includes domain powers, mysteries, hexes, and spirit abilities, but does not include spells. The wielder can activate the shield as an immediate action when targeted by one of these powers, otherwise activation requires a standard action. The hellpyre remains active for 5 rounds.
While burning, the any successful melee attack from an outsider with the evil or chaotic subtype takes 1d6 points of holy damage. In addition the detect evil or detect chaos spell like abilities quicken, requiring a move action to activate and a free action to concentrate. When using the smite evil or smite chaos abilities the wielder may increase her Charisma bonus (if any) by 1 ½ on her attacks and to her deflection bonus versus the target of the smite. DOUBLE?
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Detect evil or chaos, protection from evil or chaos, searing light; Cost 15,000 gp
Awesome, Curaigh! Let's have a look.
At CL 5, the aura should be faint abjuration and necromancy, not moderate. Furthermore, a +2 bashing shield needs a CL of 8, and bull's strength as a component spell.
"+2 bashing shield" should be italicized, if that is the core item. It should also probably read +2 bashing heavy steel shield, in which case you can take the "heavy steel" out of the opening line.
I don't think "holy damage" is a thing in Pathfinder. I would make that fire damage, possibly fire damage that is only half subject to fire resistance if you use flame strike as one of the creation spells.
"Cultish sources" is confusing, but you clear it up in the next sentence, so I would skip straight to that: "The wielder receives a +2 shield bonus to AC against ranged touch attacks and a +2 moral bonus to saves when targeted by domain powers, mysteries, hexes, and spirit abilities (but not include spells)." It saves words and adds clarity. A power like this also shouldn't need activation, by immediate action or otherwise; it strikes me as a constant ability.
I don't know what the "hellpyre" is. Is that the defensive ability? The flames?
The last paragraph is very confusing. It seems like you're making references to abilities not otherwise mentioned in the item's description (Does the wielder or the chaotic or evil outsider take 1d6 holy damage? Where are the quickened detect evil spell-like abilities?). If these are designed to be used by paladins or hellknights or some other class with these special abilities, you should probably reference that in the item's description.
The spell names in Requirements don't need to be capitalized, but they do need complete names, I believe.
Hope this helps!
Hell Pyre Shield
Aura moderate abjuration and evocation; CL 5th
Slot shield; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
DescriptionSharp steel points twist and bend into stylized flames on this heavy steel shield. Deep red flames encase this +2 bashing shield when active, dealing 2d8 points of holy damage on bashing attacks.
The wielder receives a +2 shield bonus against ranged touch attacks or a +2 moral bonus to saves when targeted by abilities from cultish sources. This includes domain powers, mysteries, hexes, and spirit abilities, but does not include spells. The wielder can activate the shield as an immediate action when targeted by one of these powers, otherwise activation requires a standard action. The hellpyre remains active for 5 rounds.
While burning, the any successful melee attack from an outsider with the evil or chaotic subtype takes 1d6 points of holy damage. In addition the detect evil or detect chaos spell like abilities quicken, requiring a move action to activate and a free action to concentrate. When using the smite evil or smite chaos abilities the wielder may increase her Charisma bonus (if any) by 1 ½ on her attacks and to her deflection bonus versus the target of the smite. DOUBLE?
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Detect evil or chaos, protection from evil or chaos, searing light; Cost 15,000 gp
First off, I think holy damage exists. While I can't think of any specific examples, I know unholy damage is a thing, so it stands to reason that holy damage is also a thing. For reference check out the bonestorm. If your plan is to fight devils with this shield, fire seems like a poor choice, so I'd stick with holy or use the same wording as the holy weapon enchant.
The theme is all over the map on this one. You say it's for wayfinder, which is about Cheliax at the moment I believe, and Cheliax is currently staunchly pro evil outsiders. With a name like Hell Pyre shield I expect this shield to also trend LE, but it actually seemed to be for fighting evil outsiders. So if this item is for the Chelish resistance that it should be useful for fighting devils, but your item calls out detect chaos, and the chaotic subtype instead of Law. To be useful in Cheliax this item should either target Chaos and Good, or Lawful and Evil.
Assuming you want to continue fighting evil outsiders, I'd consider a name change. When I first read that it did holy damage I assumed it was a typo until I read further. Hell Pyre says evil to me.
I agree with Chris that "cultish sources" needs to go. It's best not to try and group and name powers that aren't already grouped and named in the rules.
I think you mean to say that if a character wielding the shield is capable of casting detect evil or chaos, that they can do so as a move action(like a paladin already can). I'm not really sure though because that sentence isn't completely clear. Also, again, evil and chaos doesn't go with hell.
Lastly the third sentence has a grammatical error, and should probably read something more like "While the shield is burning, any outsider with the evil or chaotic subtype that makes a successful melee attack against the wielder takes 1d6 points of holy damage." Again though, it should probably be the Lawful subtype or you need a name change.
So here is my first item. I know it's basically a monster ability in a can (which is why I'm not using it for RPGSS), but I think it would still be cool in an aquatic campaign. It's also much shorter and simpler than my Water Rat Pouch from this years contest, which is something I'm trying to work on. It's not very creepy, which isn't like me, but maybe next time. Also the price is mostly just a guess. I priced it higher than a Cloak of the manta ray but less than a glove of storing which is always useful. I'm not married to that price and would love to hear what you guys think.
Leviathan Gloves
Aura faint evocation and transmutation; CL 5th
Slot Hands; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
These elbow length gloves are made of smooth black whale skin. The material is thin around the hands but thickens significantly in the sleeves, making the wearers forearms seem to bulge.
Once a day while floating in water the wearer may slam both hands on the surface and make a combat maneuver check to capsize a boat in the same body of water within 30 feet. For the purpose of this check the wearer is considered to be two sizes larger, to a maximum of Huge sized. The wearer also gains a swim speed of 30 feet and the hold breath monster ability.
Construction
Requirements enlarge person, greater animal aspect, hydraulic torrent; Cost 4,500 gp
Leviathan Gloves
Nice. Though it is a "monster ability in a can" that is not as bad as a "spell in a can" so you get somewhat of a pass. If you came up with the idea of a magic item that could capsize ships, what choice do you have than to use the ability that already does that? That being said, I don't see this as a top 32 item, but maybe a top 100.
There are some template errors. Your slot should be lowercase, and you left Craft Wondrous Item out of the requirements.
The name is ok. "Leviathan" works by it's dictionary definition, but since a leviathan is the name of an actual creature both in other fantasy IP and the Bible, I would avoid using it in the name of an item. I had to stop and see if it was the name of an actual monster in Pathfinder and I would just avoid this question by using a different name.
I like the description, especially the second sentence. It could use another sensory description. Maybe it smells like whale oil, or the sea? Or it always feels wet to touch?
I think it is kind of weird that the user must be "floating in water." So if I'm on shore I have to wade out deep enough to float, and if I'm on a ship, I have to jump overboard and resurface. I think I would just make it so that I have to slam the body of water. If you don't like that, maybe require submersion instead of floating?
So this first ability does not exactly mention "capsize" as the monster ability. It uses the word as a verb referring to turning a ship over, but does not call out the monster ability of that name. Your ability works the same, though the DC is higher and for some reason it can't be opposed by the captain's Profession (sailor) check. It also doesn't mention the penalty based on size of the ship. The user is considered larger (and therefore gets the size bonus to CMB), but unless it says, there is no penalty due to the size of the ship. There is a mistake here somewhere I think. I think the solution is to either reference the monster ability or rewrite the whole monster ability with the changes you want to make.
The last sentence seems a bit tacked on. I think this is because the reason isn't clear. Maybe you could describe the gloves cutting through water easily or a feeling of increased lung capacity when donned.
As far as the spell requirements go, Hydraulic Torrent is the one that seems a little off. It just doesn't seem like an evocation effect since it is using already existing water. I would recommend Control Water as it is a transmutation effect and moves existing water.
As far as the pricing goes, I'm not sure. Capsizing ships is awfully powerful, but it is only once per day. Still, a criminal group with a couple sets of these could hold an entire port town hostage. It is a tough call.
Overall, I like it. It might not be super innovative to have an item give monster abilities, but I like the theme and could see this item in a seafaring adventure or a book of magic items. Good job and I can't wait to see what else you come up with before the next RPGSS.
I definitely meant to use the monster ability, and I see that isn't clear now. I guess that's what I get for writing the thing up at 1 in the morning. Becoming huge is supposed to offset the -10 penalties you get for capsizing ships a category larger than you, and I don't even want them to get CMB bonuses. Needs a rewrite obviously. The last two abilities are just because this item is a Whale in a can basically, but I lead with my best ability and then just threw on the rest.
Leviathan Gloves
Aura faint evocation and transmutation; CL 5th
Slot Hands; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
These elbow length gloves are made of smooth black whale skin. The material is thin around the hands but thickens significantly in the sleeves, making the wearers forearms seem to bulge.Once a day while floating in water the wearer may slam both hands on the surface and make a combat maneuver check to capsize a boat in the same body of water within 30 feet. For the purpose of this check the wearer is considered to be two sizes larger, to a maximum of Huge sized. The wearer also gains a swim speed of 30 feet and the hold breath monster ability.
Construction
Requirements enlarge person, greater animal aspect, hydraulic torrent; Cost 4,500 gp
I like this a lot, honestly, though as you note, it would have to be for an aquatic campaign. I'd probably up vote it more often than not. I like that you have the maximum size, considering you could toss in an enlarge spell on a wearer to boost that size beforehand.
I feel like it might be a little underpriced. Being able to capsize a ship seems like it should cost more than 9,000 gp.
I'm also wondering if gloves are the right vessel (no pun intended) for the suite of powers. I think they certainly work for the primary power, but the two secondary powers seem like odd fits (more the hold breath part than the swim speed). I think you do need those powers, though, otherwise it's just something you put on when you need it and pull off the next round.
Still, I think this would have actually been a strong contender for votes, at least, even if the somewhat MIAC-ness might have kept it from the very top with the judges.
Leviathan Gloves
I know it's not the most common opinion, but I actually prefer items that use pre-existing rules in new and exciting ways. I'm very willing to forgive spells or abilities in a can if they have descriptive punch, since they're still exciting in-game but are streamlined for GM use. D&D 3.5's Last Breaths of Ashenport is a great example of using simple, existing rules in a flavorful way.
I would put the standing swim speed and hold breath abilities first in the description; that way it builds to the item's cooler ability.
I agree with Nickolas that capsize might be tricky, since it is a powerful ability. Plus the whole size difference strikes me as visually bizarre, even though it works mechanically. Maybe you could split the difference by applying the hydraulic torrent bull rush effect to all the creatures and objects on the deck of the ship while leaving the ship more or less intact. It achieves the same intended effect of knocking people off the ship, but makes the item more useful to a wearer who wants control of the ship itself. Plus the image of gloves creating a wave to knock stuff off the boat is much more digestible to me than the gloves creating a wave so big it capsizes the whole thing. You can keep the capsize effect for smaller vessels, but use the hydraulic torrent for targets onboard larger ships.
I think this is a pretty tight item. It may not have the zing to make RPGSS 2015 top 32, but it's a solid build with great utility. Nice job!
Thanks for the reviews guys. Now I'm getting some conflicting advice here from Chris. I've seen people, and maybe judges (can't remember for sure) say many times that you should start with your most interesting power. I personally don't mind building to the best power either, but I also don't mind the time investment of reading a larger block of text and waiting to be impressed until the end.
So what do you other guys think? Best power first or last?
Also, I understand that Hold Breath is weird to get from gloves, and I thought about a different slot. However the swim speed and the capsize seem to fit so well with hands. What slot fits all three better? Chest? Slotless? I'm not sure.
I would absolutely start with the most interesting power. I would probably do the extra powers as a separate paragraph, though.
I think part of the problem with not doing them first is they can feel tacked on, especially since it's a single sentence. That makes me wonder if they might be looked at as veering into Swiss Army Knife territory. Are those essential to the item? If not, streamlined could be the way to go.
I feel like as I develop, I might make it more of a radius topple effect -- getting away from the capsize ability alone, but allowing them to be used in that manner if they're used in the water. Again, I'm just kind of spitballing here, but maybe have them be used three time per day (which would get you away from the putting them on only when you need them factor) but also on shore, kind of sending out a seismic wave when the bearer hits the ground. That's getting far afield from your original concept, though.
Going back to your item as is, I'd go with a mantle, I think, or something in the body slot, to cover all the powers.
Thanks for the reviews guys. Now I'm getting some conflicting advice here from Chris. I've seen people, and maybe judges (can't remember for sure) say many times that you should start with your most interesting power. I personally don't mind building to the best power either, but I also don't mind the time investment of reading a larger block of text and waiting to be impressed until the end.
So what do you other guys think? Best power first or last?
I'd always go with what the judges say, they know better than I do. I just think that if the secondary powers can be summed up in a single sentence, then they feel a little tacked on when they come last, as Nickolas identified.
A vest or other chest item might be cool for these abilities.
I think it definitely is a better item with the secondary abilities, and it avoids the SAK by being strongly in theme. I'll just have to integrate them better. However I think adding land based toppling powers definitely puts this in SAK territory. Sure, being a water campaign item is niche, but that's okay sometimes.
Leviathan Gloves
Cost does seem low to me given the ability to capsize a ship. For that matter the caster level seems low.
You can go with the strongest ability first and still build up to it. A lot of items start with "DESCRIPTION... and grants the wearer leviathan qualities." It is not my favorite way, but a brief hint of what it does in the description means the mechanics take care of the details.Is there some other way to get the swim speed & hold breath powers? Something flashier might make them feel tied closer together & less tacked on. Starting with the premise of gloves that push water, perhaps pointing them backwards pushes the water back and the wearer forward, or push water away from wearer's face so it has air to breath.... Just some random thoughts.
Outside of flash mostly upvote. :)
Thanks for critiques folks.
Normally I do not try to explain something the writing didn't account for, but here I need to know how to include the Hellknight's Order of the Pyre (which hunts down witches & cults) without the dreaded 'favored by' line. Any suggestions?
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Here is a quick first draft. I will try to pop into this thread every once in a while, but I am focusing on writing an adventure at the moment, so my item participation might be a little sparse to start out.
Battledancing Slippers
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot feet; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
These soft slippers embroidered with gold and mithral allow the wearer to effortlessly slip through the chaos of battle. As a free action, the wearer may activate the slippers to take a 5 ft. step after each attack while full attacking for one round. This ability operates for up to 10 rounds per day. These rounds need not be consecutive.
For one round while the slippers are active, any square which the wearer moves out of counts as being occupied by an ally for the purposes of flanking (this effectively allows the wearer to flank with himself or with multiple other allies). Activating this second ability expends 5 rounds of use.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bladed dash; Cost 4,500 gp.
Here is a quick first draft. I will try to pop into this thread every once in a while, but I am focusing on writing an adventure at the moment, so my item participation might be a little sparse to start out.
Battledancing Slippers
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot feet; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
These soft slippers embroidered with gold and mithral allow the wearer to effortlessly slip through the chaos of battle. As a free action, the wearer may activate the slippers to take a 5 ft. step after each attack while full attacking. This ability operates for up to 10 rounds per day. These rounds need not be consecutive.For one round while the slippers are active, any square which the wearer moves out of counts as being occupied by an ally for the purposes of flanking (this effectively allows the wearer to flank with himself or with multiple other allies). Activating this second ability expends 5 rounds of use.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bladed dash; Cost 4,500 gp.
Very cool item! Let's have a look.
Most items are activated with swift actions, not free actions. Doesn't make it wrong, in this case, just unorthodox. Making it a swift action might balance the price slightly too.
The first line should probably read "5-foot step after each attack during a full attack action." It's a little cleaner and more in Paizo's style, I think.
Unless I'm mistaken, most creatures would need at least four attacks in a full attack action in order to utilize the item's second function, and that's only against a Medium-sized foe. Again, doesn't make it wrong but it may limit its utility a smidge (dual-wielders will have a field day).
The price seems quite low for an item of this caliber. I like the way you toy with the movement rules, but factor that into your pricing a bit more.
In a similar vein, 10 rounds per day to use this ability seems like quite a lot. I'd either raise the price or drop the times per day, if I was you.
Does this movement provoke attacks of opportunity?
Love the flavor, concision, and treatment of the rules. Nice work!
Battledancing Slippers
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot feet; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
These soft slippers embroidered with gold and mithral allow the wearer to effortlessly slip through the chaos of battle. As a free action, the wearer may activate the slippers to take a 5 ft. step after each attack while full attacking for one round. This ability operates for up to 10 rounds per day. These rounds need not be consecutive.For one round while the slippers are active, any square which the wearer moves out of counts as being occupied by an ally for the purposes of flanking (this effectively allows the wearer to flank with himself or with multiple other allies). Activating this second ability expends 5 rounds of use.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bladed dash; Cost 4,500 gp.
I assume the movement doesn't provoke since he calls them out as 5-foot steps. It's a neat little item to be sure. I always think that high level characters should be more mobile while attacking, but that's probably just me watching too many movies. I agree that they are probably underpriced.
Thanks for critiques folks.
Normally I do not try to explain something the writing didn't account for, but here I need to know how to include the Hellknight's Order of the Pyre (which hunts down witches & cults) without the dreaded 'favored by' line. Any suggestions?
Your item makes so much more sense now theme wise, but I think it's going to be difficult to get that theme across subtly. I don't think many people are that knowledgable about individual hell knight orders. That said, I still think that detect evil is a weird ability for a hell knight to have.
Thanks for the critique. I just want to explain my design process for a few points.
Most items are activated with swift actions, not free actions. Doesn't make it wrong, in this case, just unorthodox. Making it a swift action might balance the price slightly too.
I got the free action activation and 10 rounds/day from the way that boots of speed work since I think that the two items would be used comparably in battle, for a round or two at a time.
Unless I'm mistaken, most creatures would need at least four attacks in a full attack action in order to utilize the item's second function, and that's only against a Medium-sized foe. Again, doesn't make it wrong but it may limit its utility a smidge (dual-wielders will have a field day).
You only need three attacks to flank with yourself on the last one since you can 5' step diagonally. I thought of this ability being more useful for setting up lots of flanks for allies (since it lasts for one round), I just took the wording from the Dimensional Savant feat.
the price seems quite low for an item of this caliber. I like the way you toy with the movement rules, but factor that into your pricing a bit more.
You are probably right, I originally priced it at 13K which might be more correct.
Now that I think about it though, this idea would be better as a feat or a rage power or ninja trick rather than an item.
Unless I'm mistaken, most creatures would need at least four attacks in a full attack action in order to utilize the item's second function, and that's only against a Medium-sized foe. Again, doesn't make it wrong but it may limit its utility a smidge (dual-wielders will have a field day).You only need three attacks to flank with yourself on the last one since you can 5' step diagonally. I thought of this ability being more useful for setting up lots of flanks for allies (since it lasts for one round), I just took the wording from the Dimensional Savant feat.
But doesn't the second diagonal movement count as 10 feet? That would mean you could step diagonally the first step, but would need to "go the long way" using two squares for the second move, meaning three attacks to set up the flank and four to capitalize on it.
I agree, the boots of speed comparison works, especially for this item's function. It just struck me as a salient point to mention.
Now that I think about it though, this idea would be better as a feat or a rage power or ninja trick rather than an item.
I like your item overall as it has a fairly innovative way to tweak the rules, but I agree with your statement here 100 percent. Some effects are just better suited for other elements of the game.
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Here is a quick first draft. I will try to pop into this thread every once in a while, but I am focusing on writing an adventure at the moment, so my item participation might be a little sparse to start out.
Battledancing Slippers
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot feet; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
These soft slippers embroidered with gold and mithral allow the wearer to effortlessly slip through the chaos of battle. As a free action, the wearer may activate the slippers to take a 5 ft. step after each attack while full attacking for one round. This ability operates for up to 10 rounds per day. These rounds need not be consecutive.For one round while the slippers are active, any square which the wearer moves out of counts as being occupied by an ally for the purposes of flanking (this effectively allows the wearer to flank with himself or with multiple other allies). Activating this second ability expends 5 rounds of use.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bladed dash; Cost 4,500 gp.
Wow, this is a really cool item! I like it that you didn't use any more words than you needed. I'd certainly be upvoting this item a lot if it was an actual entry. My only slightly bigger quibble is that there are already a number of dervish dancing and self-flanking items/class features out there, so it's not entirely new. Are you familiar with the dervish prestige class from D&D 3.5?
The price may be a bit too low for such a useful effect, but I wouldn't ding you on that. The flavor may be a bit too girly for many warriors, I don't know. Also, a minor formatting error: 1 lbs. should be 1 lb.
Instead of having a daily quota of rounds, you could actually limit the number of extra 5-ft. steps you can take each day, just an idea. It might be easier to balance the item that way because some characters and creatures can make a ridiculously large number of attacks in a round.
Wow, now I know how theheadkase feels. I leave the forums for a day or so and suddenly I'm over a dozen posts behind! Let's see if I can make up for some lost time.
Hell Pyre Shield
So it looks like all the recommendations I would have made have already been stated. My one new recommendation would be this: perhaps consider just calling it a "pyre shield." It's still a strong tie to the Order of the Pyre, but it avoids some of the potentially confusing associations with evil outsiders. Speaking of which, I think the tie to the Order would work better if you focus entirely on hunting witches & heathens, and in doing so replace the effect related to attacks from evil outsiders.
Leviathan gloves
Again, most of my comments have already been provided. I don't think the hydraulic torrent is entirely necessary as a required spell; it doesn't seem to add much that the other two spells don't already cover. Bonus points for the succinct text; that may likely score you more votes since many readers go for the shorter item for convenience, as long as it is cool (which this certainly is).
Battledancing Slippers
Cool and compact, just the way a winning item should be. I will respectfully disagree with Mikko about the effect seeming too "girly" - bobbing and weaving around frustrated assailants seems awesome to me, regardless of gender. That being said, your assessment of the item fitting better as a feat or class ability makes a lot more sense to me, and your awareness of that fact speaks well to your innate understanding of the game.
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As a side note, I'm curious to see what folks think of this item. It was sort of an experiment, since I've never written a low-cost item before, and I'd like to get some feedback on my design ideas for cheap items. So without further ado:
Interceptor’s Lure
Aura faint enchantment; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 2,400 gp; Weight –
Description
This string of wooden beads bears several charms that resemble a variety of nuts, berries, and other morsels. Whenever an animal targeted by animal messenger passes within 1 mile of an interceptor’s lure, it immediately changes course and seeks out the lure. When it finds the lure, it consumes one charm from the string and waits at that location, as if it were in the designated location of the original spell.
If the animal passes within range of two or more lures simultaneously, it seeks out the one closest to its intended destination. If the competing lures are equidistant from its target location, it seeks out the one with the most charms remaining. If the lures have the same number of charms, the animal chooses the lure it seeks randomly.
An interceptor’s lure has 10 charms when created; when all are used, the remaining string of beads becomes nonmagical.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animal messenger; Cost 1,200 gp
Potentially useful if you think you'll be starting a longish campaign against some low level Druids or rangers I suppose. I can't see too many people picking this one up.
Interceptor’s Lure
I agree with Mark that it needs some more utility. All it does right now is hose one low level druid spell. And what are the odds of the animal passing within range of two or more lures simultaneously? Unless two lures are right on top of each other, there are only a couple spaces where two radii overlap and can be entered simultaneously. An animal is more likely to come within range of one and then on the way to that lure it might come within the circle of another lure. And then it changes destinations if the second lure is closer to its original destination? I don't know. I think it needs work. Also, there should be a saving throw. All effects should have a chance to avoid. I like the idea behind it, but it just needs to do more, and at the same time give a chance to avoid.
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RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Battledancing SlippersCool and compact, just the way a winning item should be. I will respectfully disagree with Mikko about the effect seeming too "girly" - bobbing and weaving around frustrated assailants seems awesome to me, regardless of gender. That being said, your assessment of the item fitting better as a feat or class ability makes a lot more sense to me, and your awareness of that fact speaks well to your innate understanding of the game.
Nick, I didn't mean the effect but this part "These soft slippers embroidered with gold and mithral". Imagine a warrior wearing full plate and... soft slippers. :p Ok ok, I guess most users will be rogues because of the flanking thing. :D
Anyway, it's a cool item and the quibbles I mentioned are very very minor.
Battledancing SlippersCool and compact, just the way a winning item should be. I will respectfully disagree with Mikko about the effect seeming too "girly" - bobbing and weaving around frustrated assailants seems awesome to me, regardless of gender. That being said, your assessment of the item fitting better as a feat or class ability makes a lot more sense to me, and your awareness of that fact speaks well to your innate understanding of the game.
Nick, I didn't mean the effect but this part "These soft slippers embroidered with gold and mithral". Imagine a warrior wearing full plate and... soft slippers. :p Ok ok, I guess most users will be rogues because of the flanking thing. :D
Anyway, it's a cool item and the quibbles I mentioned are very very minor.
Aha, fair enough. I suppose that would a rather strange combination.
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Anyway, I apologize if it sounded offensive or anything like that. There's nothing inherently wrong about the item type or the materials described, it was just a mental image that randomly popped into my mind. I guess any item can seem out of place when worn with something (or worn by someone) that has entirely different flavor.
I'm back for another 9 months guys. Lets do this :) I'll try to have something by the end of the week, and post some reviews along the way.
All right. I'll be the second to post a monster in the 2014 Blazing 9. I originally posted this monster to the "What I Would Have Submitted" thread, but I never got a critique or comment about it on that thread as it kind of petered out. I firmed it up a bit for this posting. Note I don't think I would not have submitted this monster as I have another one that I think was better, but I did challenge the top 32 to create a "cute" monster since one of the judges said they were hard to do. This is my attempt at my own challenge. Let me know what you think.
This fluffy, white-haired humanoid with bulbous, black eyes, and comb-like antennae, flitters about on moth-like wings.
Mottefey CR 2
XP 600
NG Tiny fey
Init +3; Senses detect evil, see in darkness; Perception +10
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 15, flat-footed 12 (+3 Dex, +2 size)
hp 14 (4d6)
Fort +1, Ref +7, Will +5
DR 5/cold iron; SR 13
Weaknesses light sensitivity, vulnerability to fire
----- Offense -----
Speed 10 ft., fly 40 ft. (good)
Melee rapier +7 (1d2-4)
Space 2-1/2 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks sneak attack +1d6
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 4; concentration +8)
At will—ghost sound (DC 13), know direction
1/day—dancing lantern (APG), dust of twilight (APG) (DC 15), protective penumbra (UM)
Constant—detect evil
----- Statistics -----
Str 3, Dex 16, Con10, Int 12, Wis 13, Cha 17
Base Atk +2; CMB -4; CMD 9
Feats Alertness, Weapon Finesse
Skills Bluff +8, Diplomacy +10, Fly +15, Knowledge (local) +8, Knowledge (nature) +8, Perception +10, Sense Motive +10, Stealth +15, Survival +5
Languages Common, Sylvan
----- Ecology -----
Environment any temperate or warm forest, or urban
Organization solitary, gang (2–5), or band (6–11)
Treasure standard (rapier, other treasure)
----- Special Abilities -----
Light Obsession (Su) At night or indoors, the first time a mottefey comes within 20 feet of a particular artificial light (flame, alchemical, or magic) it must succeed at a Will save or fall in love with the light and attempt to stay within 20 feet of it. The DC for this save depends on the light's strength. The light from a spell or magical item has a DC of 10 + the spell level + the caster/creator's relevant ability bonus. A candle has a DC 7; a torch or lantern is DC 11, and a sunrod is DC 14. If another character carries the light source, the mottefey receives a +2 bonus to its save. This bonus increases to +8 if that character detects as evil. If a character later takes possession of the light, or possession passes to another, the mottefey gets another save (with bonus) to end the effect.
An obsessed mottefey's attitude increases by two steps for any character who carries its light. This inflated friendliness ends if the light goes out or the sun comes up.
The mottefey can only be infatuated by one light at a time. If a larger, brighter, or a more powerful light comes within 20 feet, the mottefey must make a save as above. Failure switches its infatuation to the new light.
In the First World, the mottefey were a preferred prey of Lurkers in the Light. At some point, the majority of the race left the First World and came to the Material Plane to escape their tormentors. Ever watchful for their evil cousins, the nocturnal mottefey made their homes near humanoid settlements so they could watch light sources for signs of the Lurkers. Over time, they began to develop an obsession with the lights they watched. It is speculated that bright lights have a mesmerizing or euphoric effect on their acute visual senses.
Sometimes referred to as "Watchers in the Night" by those who know their history, these creatures have proven themselves useful to many adventurers. Mottefey see much of what happens at night in the settlements in which they live and know their way around by referencing the street lanterns and other lights found there. A benevolent person in possession of a light source, might find the ordinarily shy mottefey, to be quite friendly.
A mottefey is 16 inches tall, and weighs about 8 pounds.
Hi all
A bit of explanation for this item for you.
It is being worked on for Wayfinder #11, as part of an article on an organisation I have called True Annalists. In order for the editors to have maximum flexibility on their selections, I have attempted to write the submission such that certain text can be removed allowing item, organisation etc to stand on their own without the intrinsic link. So although I have placed some bold italic where there would not normally be any, this is to show the editors (and you) which text could be eliminated safely.
This is the item currently. It breaks a few (few?) auto rejects, but the editors thought the on-theme-ness of the base idea should outweighed these, so I am very interested in what my fellow superstars think ;) It has background / history tied to the constant rewriting of Chelaxian history, is plot device in the main but I think also provides some one way messaging utility too.
The other subtle change I have made to how I build my items is to describe the benefits separately from the visual effects - not sure if that's better or worse, so again, comment on this aspect please. My first thought is it seems to have avoided my usual clunkiness to some degree.
Enjoy.
Annalist Bindings
Aura faint illusion and divination; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 8,000 gp; Weight —
Description
These crimson leather bound cover forms a binding for a historical tome. The spine is split centrally for the length, resulting in two separate book covers, caused when they were ripped from the original edition of the Historical Annals of Cheliax.
Placing both covers on any edition of the same historical tome allows the reader to discern any differences between the original text and the text currently bound between the covers.
Placing the covers over two editions of the same tome will allow the reader of the tome sporting the back cover to discern the changes between it and the tome with the front cover.
Placing the two covers on two tomes that are blank allows text to be written to the tome with the front cover to appear as a difference on the back covered tome. Only text from the front tome can be transmitted in this manner.
When used in any of these ways, the pages of the tome attached to the back cover reveals differences as follows:
The text added or changed shimmers on the page. For text that was removed, a shimmering line scores the page where the text would have lain. Touching these shimmers results in light floating up and out of the page, hovering inches above the book as it cracks, bends and reshapes itself into the original text.
Being caught with these bindings in Cheliax is regarded as high treason, resulting in immediate public execution.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, illusory script, witness, creator must be a Chelaxian bard and member of the True Annalists; Cost 4,000 gp
Here is where I am up to with the organisation, it should help put things into context a bit more for you.
True Annalists
Alignment: NG
Headquarters: Two main headquarters exist, Verso, located in Egorian, and Recto, located in Westcrown.
Leader: Verso Folium leads Verso, Recto Folium leads Recto. These hereditary names are assumed on taking office as an identity protection for the leaders.
Structure: Nationalist Hierarchy
Scope: National
Resources: Real property and liquid assets worth tens of millions of gold piece across Cheliax. Sixty percent of this held by the two headquarters.
{This section is an approximately 100-word introductory paragraph summarizing the organization.}
Structure and Leadership
The two leaders each have two tomes, wrapped in alternate covers of a pair of Annalist Bindings, allowing them to organise meetings and ensure secure communication in both directions. These tomes are reverently referred to as the bifolium.
Reporting to the leaders are the chapter house heads dispersed throughout all major towns and cities of Cheliax, referred to collectively as the quire. Each of these heads will have four, six or eight direct subordinates depending on the size of the town or city they reside in. These subordinates are known as duernion (four), ternion (six) or quarternion (eight) but are treated as equals should they meet.
It is these individuals that, through the use of adventuring parties and Annalist Bindings, locate and retrieve the articles, treasures and lost nobles who form the true history and lifeblood of Cheliax as they deem it should be. All that work for the organisation through these individuals are referred to as signatures.
Goals
{This section is an approximately 100-word paragraph on this topic.}
Public Perception
{This section is an approximately 50-word paragraph on this topic.}