RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Fleshless Shroud
I liked this item a lot. I think invisibility was a bad choice for the item and would have used alter self myself, but it is understandable why you chose it. Also would have added magic aura. I think the +10 was a little low for a Disguise bonus. I was iffy about the concealment for a skeleton less creature, as no % was given. I really did not like the bonus on Heal checks, as I did not think it matched the theme of the item.
With a little rewrite, I plan on using this item in my next campaign.
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Witchbane Glove
One of the first things that caught my eye was the price. Not sure it was appropriate (on the low side), but then again, how often are you going to face witches/hags? Also, they grant a resistance bonus, which would not be as beneficial if someone is wearing a cloak of resistance.
I really liked how the capturing a hex was written out.
I did not like that you had to attack someone to give them another saving throw. And the bonus to ST for the unconsciousness was a bit wonky.
Last two sentences of the description were unneeded.
I tended to vote for this item more often than not.
Coil of Ionic Inversion
I'm jumping ahead on this one because I already critiqued it. Someone PMed me the whole text in their list of favorites, so you made that person's favorite list. I was not as big of a fan.
First I don't like the name. Part of that is my fault as I keep reading "Ionic" as "Iconic." I don't know why. The other reason is expressed in my review here:
This one has a lot of issues for me and I did not like it at all when voting. For one, I don’t know what “ionic energy” is. That is not an existing game term, although it sounds like other game terms. The item seems to be trying to introduce a new type of “energy” into the game, like it was “sonic energy” or something. I get that it was supposed to use electricity to mess with the target’s nervous and cardiac systems, but it should have just used "electricity" in the rules text.
Second, most wondrous items that are sheaths, quivers, bowstrings, or weapon adornments are, in my opinion, a cop-out for not being able to submit a magic weapon to this contest and this does not seem like an exception. Watch for that when you create one of these kinds of items. If it makes more sense to be a sword or a bow (or a generic weapon ability), start over.
It is weird that it uses the wielder’s Con modifier to deal damage to the target. What if the wielder has a negative Con bonus? Does it do anything? I see that it increases the Con bonus by 1, but this in and of itself is weird. There is no precedent for increasing an ability bonus. Only increasing the score, should increase the bonus.
And the wielder’s Con score needing to be reached before it is fully charged is also an issue. A character with a 12 Con has to hit twelve times to fully charge it. 13 times for a 13 Con. That is one more for a better score and both seem like a lot. Then a character with a Con of 14 has to hit 7 times and with a 15 Con, he has to hit 8 times. Again you are being penalized for a better score, but there is significant drop from 13 to 14. There are other issues with higher Con Scores. It’s just weird.
As is using the user’s Con bonus in the save DC. I’m not sure where the base of 14 comes from either. The DC should be based on caster level, highest spell level in the requirements, and the lowest ability score bonus needed to cast that spell. And there are other smaller issues with it. This item has a good idea behind it, but it was not done well in my opinion.
I see this is your first entry, and I know you made at least one person's top items list. Everyone's second entry is always better than their first. Make sure you look at existing items and make your mechanics mimic them when possible. This did have some out of the box thinking and that was good. Good luck on crafting your entry for next year.
Helm of Brass
Aura moderate conjuration and evocation; CL 9th
Slot head; Price 32,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This burnished brass helm glows faintly with heat and has a pair of small obsidian horns jutting from its brow. Small wisps of black smoke curl from the helm giving off a pungent odor of brimstone.
On command, a Helm of Brass wreathes the wearer in smoky red flames that act as a Resist Energy (Fire), three times per day. While this effect is active the wearer can gather the flames and use them as a Produce Flame, with the following exception, using the fire as a thrown weapon reduces the duration of the Resist Energy.
In addition once per week on command, the helm opens a small unstable rift to the Plane of Fire. This ability creates a 10-ft.-radius emanation centered on the user that lasts for 2d6 rounds. While this ability is active the area is treated as being the Plane of Fire (Game Mastery Guide) gaining the following traits:
• Fire-Dominant
• Enhanced Magic: Spells and spell-like abilities with the fire descriptor or that use, manipulate, or create fire (including those of the Fire domain or the elemental [fire] bloodline) are enhanced.
• Impeded Magic: Spells and spell-like abilities with the water descriptor or that use or create water (including spells of the Water domain, spell-like abilities of the elemental [water] bloodline, and spells that summon water elementals or outsiders with the water subtype) are impeded.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Plane Shift, Resist Energy, Produce Flame; Cost 16,000 gp
This was my first year attempting this contest and i would appreciate feedback on my item.
Thanks.
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka FaxCelestis
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| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I'm jumping ahead on this one because I already critiqued it. Someone PMed me the whole text in their list of favorites, so you made that person's favorite list. I was not as big of a fan.
I'm the person in question who put it on their keep list. I'll admit that it isn't the pinnacle of game design, but it has something going for it. A lot of people here would call it mojo, but I wouldn't necessarily peg it as that. I think what struck me about this item was a lesser version of what struck me about the sewing form of the steel seamstress and the phylactery of a thousand races: the designer on this item saw a vacant spot in the game and decided to fill it. Most items here did this. However, the designer on this item...I don't know, it's an intangible thing. I feel like the designer on this item looked at this vacancy and went, "I'm going to fill that" and then went and did it, instead of prancing about with what ifs and why don't I's. I felt like, when I read this item, that this designer was fearless and was willing to challenge the scope of what "is" and what "isn't" the game.
I guess what I'm saying is that the willingness to delve into what others might call "too steampunky" or "too sci-fi" says to me that this designer is perfectly willing to think outside of the box. That is a thing that shows promise; mechanical design can be taught, formatting and templating can be trained, but invention? That's something you either have or you don't.
Things I learned already:
1)I also specifically copied goblin naming conventions (many legs, eat goblin babies many from We Be Goblins). People didn't get that. They just thought it was bad writing.
I think this is a good observation regarding names, reminding me of something Clark wrote a couple years ago: "And, I should mention, GREAT name. Simple and perfect. That name would look great on the wondrous item list and on a PC character sheet."
Regardless of whether the item fits the racial name, will players want to put it on their character sheet? I think a lot of people probably wouldn't want to look down their gear list and see flawed pictograms eat stuff much next to their horn of Valhalla and rod of rulership. Heck, granted I'm OCD about such things, but I would have trouble simply fitting that on a line on the character sheet I use.
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8
aka Black Powder Chocobo
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Linebreaker’s Sabatons
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot feet; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
These iron-clad boots grant its wearer sudden bursts of speed that can send opponents flying with tremendous force.
A fully charged pair of boots has 5 charges that are automatically renewed each day. As a free action, the wearer may expend a charge to increase his base land speed by 20 feet during a move action to move. After doing so, he may use the Awesome Blow monster feat (Bestiary 314), treating his size category as one larger for determining valid targets for the maneuver and calculating CMB. The slam damage for the maneuver uses wearer’s effective size category (1d6 plus Strength bonus for a Medium wearer or 1d4 plus Strength for a Small wearer).
In addition, the wearer may expend up to 2 additional charges to increase his effective size category by another increment, confer a +3 bonus to the combat maneuver roll, or select an additional target to be affected by the maneuver.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burst of speed, force punch; Cost 6,000 gp
Personal Notes:
I already realize I was a touch sloppy on the additional charge rules. Looking back, I would have rewritten it to be "In addition, the wearer may expend up to 2 additional charges when performing the maneuver, with each charge either increasing his effective size category by another increment, conferring a +3 bonus to the combat maneuver roll, or selecting an additional target to be affected by the maneuver."
I also believe I should have added a more evocative description for the item's effect. I can picture in my head what it looks like, but on text, I could have added something a bit more flavorful.
Am I right in this, or is there something else I should have improved?
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka FaxCelestis
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Linebreaker’s Sabatons
I loved this item and voted for it nearly every time I saw it (though I think it ran up against one of my favorites a few times). I have kept it for personal use for one of my more venerable (and shovy) characters.
Battleforge Gauntlets
First, I really like the concept and I'm a little surprised not to see this in the top 100. It's that cool. It has been said by others (and by yourself) where the opportunities were missed with this item and I agree. I think it could have used a list of the abilities that the weapon could have, though it may have been too much to give an example of what type of object could grant that ability. It is just too unclear what weapon abilities it might grant on certain items or effects. Do you see these gauntlets getting you a weapon with the Thundering ability? Can you get this only from instantaneous sonic effects, or are there objects that weapon could be pulled out of? What would a weapon made of sound look like?
I'm not sure you shouldn't have limited it to objects (and creatures) and not have it make weapons out of instantaneous effects. That sentence is really confusing anyway.Finally, it is fairly powerful, but I don't think it is 50,000gp powerful. Maybe. If you are prepared to get any elemental ability out of it, by having an assortment of objects to get you any weapon ability you might need. If you are prepared it has a lot of versatility. Of course the bane granting ability is the best as your target is all you need and it is right there in every battle. Would a sword that could change its bane ability once per say cost 50,000gp? Probably. Getting bane for you current enemy once per day is that good. Maybe it should have just given a +1 bonus to hit and just 1d6 damage instead of the +2/ 2d6 damage that bane grants to make this last ability less powerful and you could have cut the price down by 15 or 20 grand. Ah, its a tough call, but as it stands this would be the third most expensive hand slot item in the SRD. Anyway, I think it is really cool though somewhat flawed. Good luck next year.
Trickster's Calling Card
I really wanted to comment on this item when I saw it in the voting.
Good: I absolutely love the flavor and general idea of the item. This would be great for a stylish thief, especially for a thief campaign. If I made a flamboyant character, I would totally want this item, even if I wasn't a thief.
Bad: The description misleads the reader to believe it as a one-use item. From the description, it sounds like you have to leave the disk behind or that it creates one figment and becomes inert. This made me vote against it several times because no thief would waste 500gp on a disposable item to steal something likely worth less than that.
Ugly: Why can I not choose the design of my mark? It's hard to make a reputation for yourself when you cannot choose what your calling card looks like.
Fleshless ShroudI liked this item a lot. I think invisibility was a bad choice for the item and would have used alter self myself, but it is understandable why you chose it. Also would have added magic aura. I think the +10 was a little low for a Disguise bonus. I was iffy about the concealment for a skeleton less creature, as no % was given. I really did not like the bonus on Heal checks, as I did not think it matched the theme of the item.
With a little rewrite, I plan on using this item in my next campaign.
I find this very insightful, Thomas. My approach to conceptualizing an item involves brainstorming an object that does something weird (invisibility cloak that only hides your flesh) and then figuring out practical applications for it. However, it sounds like I'm betraying the theme of the item and making the item less focused. Your feedback made me realize I need to better think how I should decide the core mechanics of the item and leave extraneous applications for player improvization ("Hey, this cloak of mine reveals bones. Can I use it to fix Bob's broken leg?").
I'm happy you like it and hope your players have fun! I'd be interested in seeing the rewrite.
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My reviews are going to be more about my “off the cuff” reponse. Short praise and short critique based more on initial gut-feeling about the item. Take it for what it is.
Page 1 Reviews.
@ Thrashling for Manservant Monnequin
This feels more like a set piece for a villain than for the player-adventurers. I can’t imagine which player would want to drag it around but it lends itself to some dramatic wardrobe changes for a BigBad.
@ Robot_nachos for Spell-Mirror Shawl
Thank you for submitting a Mythic item. And it feels like a fairly solid attempt at that. Its kind of a bread & butter mythic item that I think would make sense in a book, and I may well choose it over many others but it also isn’t especially standout. Many of my characters would get it.
@ Jacob Kellog for Bracelet of the Peaceful Dove
This item feels like an overly complicated set piece. It would be something I might give to the leader of a good village that I don’t want the morally ambiguous PCs to be able to mess with too much. I don’t think I can foresee to many PCs wanting to bother with it, except some high-concept character designs.
@Bryan Bloomer for Provocateur’s Pamphlet
I remember upvoting this each time I saw it, but like with other items it feels like a “set piece” item rather than something my PC would ever want. I could foresee using this as an entire adventure’s focus but I doubt a PC of mine would use it except in very odd set ups.
@Giorgios Abate for Boots of Spellwalking
I’m first going to say, I hated stomping last year --- don’t like it more this year. Its such an odd action and it brings to mind so many questions of things like “can I stomp and make a full-round attack”? I know in this case you have it as part of casting a spell but it still lends itself to weird questions. Also, it feels like a lot to track – how many times have I used it, how many times I’ve successfully used it, how does this modify my spell, etc.
@Wicht for Abiding Light
I really like the basic design of this item, but I guess I would see the failures as related to the design. It uses different spells than I would have chosen, its possibly too expensive for what it does and for what I would want it to be used for it’s not powerful enough. I love the basic design/idea though and I think the one time I saw it while voting I voted it up.
@theheadkase for Battleforge Gauntlets
My base reaction is “cool idea, awkward execution” --- the gauntlets make me ask too many questions and I could foresee too many questionable moments coming up. That said, the rules as written feel kind of underwhelming compared to what I would hope. I don’t know, it’s a cool idea but I wasn’t sure it was well executed.
@cmjohnst for Astral Thief’s Opera Gloves
The bad opera escape joke was unneeded. And then these are sort of two magic items in one. The idea of what you are going for with the glove of thin air would have been my focus and I would have only worried about the idea of a glove that let you steal from extradimensional spaces --- though this would be a difficult topic to tackle. Adding the touch attack stuff with unarmed attacks feels like way too much extra on top of everything else, and for so little cost.
@Thunderbuckets for Spellmason’s Mallet
I think you have too much going on here – I like the idea of an item (and hammer totally makes sense) that lets me manipulate walls created by spells is neat. That said, the spell-in-a-can wall of force was unneeded, and then the last ability should be more closely melded with the first, and I would have it affect more than just the walls you cast, etc… I guess, in my mind it should be a DIFFERENT item that takes advantage of the core idea you were going for.
@CalebTGordan for Stanhope of Bloody Roots
This is a neat set-piece, and I think I would give it to the Evil Witch character as part of a larger story-based adventure where the Witch takes advantage of knowing too much about one of the PCs. That all said, I don’t think I’d use it as a player at all. I’m not sure how I would?
@Saint Caleth for Spellsnaring Gauntlets
Saint – I think you assessed your own item better than I could. They’re not a bad idea but they’re not especially creative in their implementation.
*** Skipping Myself ***
Thank you to everyone that is reviewing my item! Any and all comments are appreciated!
@Mr. Whatever for Lake Maker Spigot
This feels like a super-powered Decanter of Endless Water and while I see how it isn’t… I don’t see it as much else but a Decanter of Endless Water.
@James Raine for Cloak of a Thousand Daggers
This is a pretty neat idea and its implemented alright, but the Chr bonus stuff seems odd. I think its mechanics need to be tweaked though and it would have done better. The basic idea though, of a cloak that makes attack of opportunities/counter attacks for me when I’m attacked is cool.
@Donald Robinson for Taxonomist’s Codex
I like the basic idea --- a monster book that lets me know the monster’s weaknesses. That said…. I guess I like AA’s comments. He’s way better at this than you.
@SteelDraco for Cloak of the Shadow Twin
That is kind of a neat set up but I guess I don’t like the specific design.
@Illiest for Tabard of Sanguine Symbiosis
I came across this in voting and then, as now, I am just put off I guess too much by the “fungus in my shirt” thing… it also doesn’t feel as much like a magic item as a magic fungus that hangs out in a shirt. That said, its not like the abilities gained are that terrible or anything but why a fungus?
@WalterGM for Sanguine Gem
I guess I’m not clear on how this item works, but for what it can potentially do, it feels possibly too cheap. A 17th caster level item that costs only 3,500 gp that takes advantage of 3 major feats…. Its just too much.
@Reckless for Sibilant Sistrum
I guess I foresee this as a cool villain weapon rather than as a new item for my PCs… as a villain weapon it’s pretty cool but I don’t see it as a player’s item.
@Jacob Trier for Bracer of Forceful Restraint
This makes me think of Wonder Woman and her lasso but…. Maybe that’s just me. The aspect of using your own lifeforce to entrap someone is neat but also kind of seems foolish. If they break out you’re only going to be weaker. Also, you’d never be able to stop a really powerful or even an otherwise adequately leveled devil or demon. A Barbed Devil is CR 11 and 12 HD – if you and your 4 friends that are Level 11 were trying to stop it would be a DC 22 Will save which would rarely work.
@Samuel Stone for Glove of Face Filching
This is a neat item and I could see it being used most for a low-level villain in an adventure, but I don’t know if I’d end up having a good PC in mind for it.
@Maurice de Mare for Bloody Sheath of the Bravo
Sheaths offer so many great visual ideas for a magic item and I see what you are going for, but I think the specific mechanics aren’t well implemented. And I guess also I don’t know if I’d go with blinding as the best condition to try to inflict in combat with the blood.
@Lamontius for Grips of the Drowning Dark
These are a cool idea but I’m not sure when I would use these over a dozen other gloves as a PC. Then again, evil druid of the water with these jumps to mind as a cool bad-guy to throw at PCs.
@DeathQuaker for Coat of the Eternal Vagabond
I could foresee a cool NPC with this coat, but the “random teleportation that can’t be controlled” feels I guess more like a device I would give to low-level PCS as a kind of dues ex machine to force new and random adventures on them – “OK guys, we defeated the Lich of Evilness, now lets grab hands and find what adventure the Coat brings us next!”
@x93edwards for Shears of the Hairless Hag
These would be my go-to item as an example of a set-piece that I would give to a villain to build an adventure around. I like them a lot but I couldn’t see a PC using them. So I would never come across them in a book and be like “oh neat!”
Bombadil for Dust of Fantastical Terrain
I would arm a fey-creature with this and use it against my players if I were GMing. Otherwise, as a PC I think I would use this just to make my GM have a hard day.
Feros for Baldric of Revealing Mists
The basic design and style of this is pretty cool. I think making it a chest item slot seems like you were trying to fit it in where it wouldn’t get in the way of something more useful. In that sense, the basic design of it would make more sense to me as a slotless item I need to wield that has this same basic design --- the idea of getting to wear the sash and basically wearing the mists does make a lot of sense.
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Sorry if I missed anything --- and I will try to get to page 2 in a day or two but no idea if I will get the chance.
Thank you again to anyone that has or will review my item,
Luke P
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7
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Here's mine. This may not be the final, final form as I may have done some last few edits in the submission field.
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COAT OF THE ETERNAL VAGABOND
DQ, I'm a big fan of you as a person so I'm going to try and explain why I didn't vote for your item. Remember though, at the end of the day, I'm just some bozo on the internet.
Every time I read your item description, I thought to myself "Man, this is going to make my job difficult." Once per day, my players can completely hop to a new, random location. (I see that you did make provisions to keep a small party together, so I appreciate that.) What is at this location? Are they outside of a village, in the middle of a haunted forrest, or on a white sandy beach? There may be GM's who have a world so fleshed-out that they wouldn't bat at eye at this, but I'm not one of them. I can see this item seriously testing my improv skills.
On the flip side, this item could be in the possession of a villain. He/she could use it to escape from the PCs to fight another day. I can only see using this once, though, which makes it somewhat of a plot device.
I hope this criticism is of some use to you. You clearly put a lot of thought into your item and I wish you the best of luck in next year's competition.
COAT OF THE ETERNAL VAGABOND
Here is another one I critiqued previously in the PMing before the top 32 were announced. And here is what I said.
I’m not crazy about teleporting items. And this one doesn’t wow me. By the time the PCs are this item’s caster level they can usually teleport themselves, and not to a random location. Also, as a GM I don’t necessarily want my PCs to have a “get out of trouble and into a random location,” type of item. That is more work for me, and I likely have to find a way to get them back into the adventure. Of course since the GM rolls, it might put them right into an adventure; however this might seem like railroading. I just don’t think it is a superstar idea.[/quote}
I read your self critique and I think you realized that it didn't have the wow factor that most superstar items have. Don't give up; just take your lessons with each passing year and try again. Even if you get everything right, you also have to get lucky as judging items is at least partially subjective and could change over time. Try again, and good luck.
Scatterstone
This is one I critiqued privately to someone who PMed me the full text of their favorite items and this is what I said.
This is a good expendable item. I think it should say that it can be easily drawn and thrown as a standard action, because otherwise it has to already be in hand to use in a surprise round. The item is much less useful outside of a surprise round. I wouldn’t be surprised to see this make it into the top 32, and the name gave me an idea for a magic item I might submit next year.
The judges did like consumable items this year (there are six in the top 32 and four others that can eventually lose all powers). One judge doesn't like "verbnoun" names, so that might have hurt. That wasn't in the advice thread, right? Maybe someone should add it? It is useful if not amazing or something you'd be really excited to find. The item is solid and I liked it. You made the top 100, which is better than I did. Good luck next year and thanks for giving me an idea for an item (which, by the way, doesn't do anything similar to your item, nor am I stealing the name).
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Star Voter Season 7
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Legend Locket
Aura strong enchantment; CL 16th
Slot Neck; Price 94,200 gp; Weight -
Description
A [i]legend locket[i] is a mithral amulet etched with flowing lines and ancient script dangling from a fine chain. The locket confers a +4 insight bonus to Will saves vs. mind-affecting effects. Additionally, the locket serves to record the wearer’s experiences from his perspective. The locket stores 10 five-minute “event” memories sequentially. Recording a memory uses an immediate action. Should the locket be full, any new memory recorded will automatically purge the oldest memory. When a wearer dies wearing a legend locket, the wearer’s memory of their death is automatically recorded, purging the oldest memory stored if necessary. Finally, as a free action the wearer may make one “request” that is stored as a geas within the locket.
Memories are retrieved by opening the locket. The wearer may never retrieve his own memories. Anyone opening a [i]legend locket[i] will relive all stored memories in sequence, becoming dazed for 1 minute for each memory stored. Once the memory surge concludes, the individual opening the locket is subject to any geas stored within the locket. The wearer defining the geas command need not be dead for the geas to take effect.
Using the spell legend lore while opening a legend locket grants a saving throw against the geas (DC 19 Will negates) while using the spell vision negates the geas entirely. Once stored memories are retrieved, the locket is empty and it will link itself to the next individual to wear the locket. A link is required to record memories.
Wearing an emptied legend locket links it to the wearer, while opening one ends the link. The locket links itself only once to any owner.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, modify memory, geas; Cost 47,100 gp
Thank you for the critiques ahead of time!
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7
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I thought I posted this on page 2 but I guess I messed that up... facepalm. Feel free to be brutal I don;t pull any punches on my thread.
Shadow Archer’s Gage
In your (legendary) style:
The good Decent name, grabs the attention nicely. Shadow theme is well-played instead of played out.
The bad First ability is both weak and not central to the theme of the item, seems tacked on to justify the item title. Nitpick: spells are out of alphabetical order.
The ugly Mechanical questions galore. How big is the dimensional space (can I store 1 bow and 80 arrows only, or just that many a time as a free action?)- the wording doesn't really match most items with dimensional spaces. Is the command word to retrieve the items stored also a free action? What type of action is the gesture to fire the stored weapon? Do I get to hit someone flat footed even if I'm already engaged in combat with them if they fail the perception check to notice my shadow? What if I've already used the gage on another target during this combat? Wording on the 20% clause is very... overextended. It could have been tightened up considerably to make room.
Overall A neat item that tries to do just a little too much. Needed to be slightly tighter to the theme and another editing pass for phrasing.
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As many of you can probably tell, I simply did not have time this last, very busy year to hold up my promise of reviewing all items in the blazing 9 thread. My apologies. The least I can do is come in here and offer some reviews of these right? Even if they're shorter than I might otherwise want. Here goes:
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#2
Manservant Mannequin
The idea of swapping places with a body double isn't bad, but the second power seems unnecessary. Also, as-written, by tricking someone into saying the mannequin's command word, you can teleport them away 250 ft (possibly into a deadly situation) with no save, and get all their stuff. That's a huge problem.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#3
Spell-Mirror Shawl
I understand the utility of this item, but it's not very exciting because there are already effects that work under this basic premise (you use them in your requirements). The bigger problem is how variable the power of the item is. A 1st level character gets only a small fraction the effect a 20th level, 10th tier character does. That's not the way Pathfinder items are designed.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#4
Bracelet of the Peaceful Dove
Hey, I saw this item in voting! And, actually, I voted it down, sorry. Protecting characters from charms and such isn't a bad idea, but I really hated the bit where this is basically a magical "no, really, I am telling the truth" button. Feels like a campaign item.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#5
Provocateur's Pamphlet
This item is a lot of fun, I see why it has so many favorites. Other than moving up the section about how long the pamphlet takes to scribe, I like it a lot.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#6
Boots of Spellwalking
bit of a typo in your lead in sentance - I think you mean 'in silver thread'. The first ability is useful and kinda neat but a little powerful. The second ability is really confusing, and I simply don't get it. Might be a sign you took it a step too complicated.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#7
Abiding Light
The language in the first bit is a little muddled, and you would have been better of simply saying the candle cannot be extinguished rather than bringing wish[/]i into it. The second power is pretty nice, but you really need to have it make a check, otherwise it could become unbalanced.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#8
Battleforge Gauntlets
These are pretty darn cool gauntlets. Two things: one, it needs a daily charge rather than potentially infinite uses, and two, your comment about drawing a weapon from an explosion implies that you can freely create a weapon that casts single-target-fireball on every hit, forever. Remove or reword, because that severely unbalances it.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#9
Astral Thief's Opera Gloves
I remember seeing this item. Awesome.
You start with who created them. Good for unique items in a campaign setting, not for setting-less places like RPG superstar. That alone probably kept you out of the top 32. Also, it really feels like this is two items (especially because of your formatting). The first, the glove of thin air, is pretty good and I like. The second, I don't like that much, as it makes things too complex. Oh, and you misspell 'conmtact other plane' as 'contact other plant'. Hillarious, but the sort of thing that makes your work look sloppy.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#10
Spellmason's Mallet
The first power is okay, but not very exciting. The second power is also okay, but not very exciting. The third power is really powerful and theoretically allows you to cast wall spells as cages. Wall of stone? Target is immediately trapped forever, no save. Listing that the mallet could be used as a specific magic weapon makes it a magic weapon that happens to cast spells. Also, it doesn't use the belt slot - you carry it in your hand.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#11
Stanhope of Bloody Roots
I don't see how this is bloody. You put hair in it to cast spells on a target at more of a distance.The rest of the powers seem super situational and not exciting, and way way overpriced.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#13
Spellsnaring Gauntlets
'mêlée', really with the accents? Otherwise, this is pretty nice and I like it. Needs a duration for how long a caught effect lasts and if you can store more than one at once.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#14
Bullet-Catching Duster
This item is a mismash of really wearer-specific bonuses that most PCs would never care about. You need to go WAY more general than 'negates some specific weapon bonuses, and gives one archetype of one class a small bonus' You make up for it a little at the end, but not nearly enough.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#15
Lake Maker Spigot
your problem isn't that it's a spell in a can, it's that it is virtually identical to the already existing [i]decanter of endless water, just way harder to use.
http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2qkn9?2014-Critique-my-Wondrous-Item-thread#16
Cloak of a Thousand Daggers
Kinda neat, but items that are based on the stats of their wearers are inherently unbalanced because they have stronger effects for one character than for another.
... wow, and here I thought I could make a dent in 300-some items.
Hopefully, I'll be able to do some more later: Donald Robinson, you're next. ;)
Sinister CollarOver word count. Was 300 words. The missing space in "16,000gp" brought it over word count.
... Er ...
... thanks ...But what I really want to know is: what about my subject-verb agreement and did I use "who" and "whom" correctly?
Corsair’s Coir
Aura strong evocation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This four foot long length of rope is woven from the husks of coconuts that have grown over buried pirate treasure. When held in at least one hand the coir can extend up to 60 feet and attach itself to any surface, enabling its user to perform a swinging charge as a full round action against any foe within 90 feet. This allows them to use acrobatics to avoid attacks of opportunity during the charge. With an acrobatics check the user may attempt additional maneuvers as follows.
DC15: swing up to the height that the coir is attached to during the charge.
DC 20: make one turn of up to 90 degrees during the charge
DC 25: Swing Past the target and come back at them from behind, gaining an additional +2 bonus to the attack roll.
Failure results in the user landing prone in a random legal square next to their target.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Telekinetic Charge, creator must have 5 ranks in the Profession: Sailor or Pirate skill; Cost 6,000 gp
Talisman of the Puissant Familiar
Ah! The one item that I saw this year that I felt was treading on my design space. That is much better than last year when I was of the "plant shoe" people and there were, like, four of us.
The name is ok, but not great. I hate using the word "familiar" as it is most often an adjective. Here is is fairly certain that it is being used as a noun, and refers to the witch/wizard helper. Puissant is a good archaic word, but some will likely have to look it up.
The item I submitted this year also began as a neck item, but I decided that it might work better as a head or headband item since it deals with concentration and the mind and moved that location. I think your item also falls under this. Not a huge deal, but I obviously would have gone with a head or headband item.
Transferring a spell requiring concentration was the first idea I had that spawned my "Band of the Unbroken Bond," and it grew and changed from there. I see that there is no way in your item to gain the spell back from your familiar. This makes many concentration spells fairly useless to transfer unless you are just letting your familiar eat it. It doesn't address if your familiar can gain anything from these spells (such as detecting magic and the like). It just keeps the spell going, which would be useful for illusions and such, but not for many concentration spells. Or did you mean to imply that detections spells still function for the caster while its familiar concentrates on it? I don't think it implies that.
And then you have the spell eating ability. I would have bulleted these three options.
• The first option is not limited to once per day. It is a named bonus so it isn't stackable, but there is nothing stopping a spellcaster from sacrificing a concentration spell just to boost every relevant ability score of his familiar for an hour. This may or not be that great, much of the time, but then moral bonuses stack with Bull's Strength and other effects to make a beast out of your familiar for a while. I just think this should have been more limited. Start with making it an enhancement bonus so it doesn't stack with most boosting spells and makes more sense than "morale".
• The second ability here is fine, but it is unclear whether the familiar must be concentrating on a spell when its master is trying to learn a spell. The last sentence seems to be an attempt to clarify that, but it should have come at the beginning of the ability. Something like "If the familiar's master attempts to learn a new spell within the next 24 hours and fails the roll... "
• This last option is by far the most powerful, and I think it is a bit unclear. It says that the familiar "learns the spell." Obviously that is not what was meant. I'm sure you meant that it can use one spell as the imbue with spell ability spell. The terminology is bad. "Difficulty checks?" Do you meant "difficulty class?" does using this ability make the caster lose the spell. The text says no, but I think it should.
To me all these last abilities should have been things you want your familiar to do when you are done with the spell it is concentrating on and not things you would just transfer a spell to him, just so he can eat it and gain this ability. As it is, the wizard will cast a concentration spell that he really has no use for, just to gain one of these powers, and that is just not what should be happening. I don't think thats the point of the item, or else you could have just let the caster sacrifice an cast spell for these abilities.
Finally, Imbue with Spell Ability is a cleric spell only and they don't have familiars. A wizard would have to recruit a cleric or have cleric levels to create one of these. I used Familiar Melding, and that is what I would suggest for this too.
Overall, there is some mojo in here and you were playing in an untapped design space with the familiar concentrating on your spell for you. I liked your item. In the future, take a bit more time on making the writing clear and similar to the way published items handle terms and sentence structure. Use them for reference and rewrite until everything is simple and clear and does exactly what you mean it to. Have someone else read it out loud to you. Also be careful that secondary abilities that are dependant on the first ability don't make the first ability just a minor roadblock to a more powerful effect. I for one will not submit another "wizard" item, as there was some wizard hate on the rant thread this year, and I will avoid submitting any class specific item in the future. Good luck in the competition next year.
Thanks to Garrett for rescuing this for me. This was my item.
Aura strong transmutation; CL 13th
Slot head; Price 60,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This circlet resembles a ring of intertwining tentacles of dark metal, winding out from a hemisphere of the same material. A horizontal groove marks the center of the hemisphere. When worn, the groove on the hemisphere opens to reveal a large green eye, which continually scans the surrounding area as long as it is worn. If removed, the eye closes. The aberrant eye grants its wearer the ability to speak, read, and understand Aklo. The aberrant eye whispers its observations to the wearer in a constant, barely audible babble in Aklo just at the edge of perception. The user can make out occasional words, but most of the content of the whispers is unintelligible.
As a move action, the wearer can will the aberrant eye to study a creature in line of sight up to 200 feet away. Once per day, as a standard action, the user can focus on the voice and whisper its words to a single target that the aberrant eye has studied within the same range. Only the target can hear these words, and the user cannot remember them afterward. Any intelligent creature receiving this message takes 1d4 points of Wisdom damage (spell resistance applies), whether they understand the words or not. The target must then make a DC 20 Will save, or suffer a random form of insanity (Game Mastery Guide) until the ability damage is healed or the insanity is cured (e.g., by greater restoration or heal). Aberrations and creatures with access to the Madness domain are immune to this effect. The insanity is a mind-affecting compulsion effect, and spell resistance applies.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, message, insanity; Cost 30,000 gp
Long on flavor, short on effect, I suppose. It might make one wonder what kind of a character would use this, but in my experience there's one in just about every game I've played. In two of the three campaigns I'm in now, I can think of one player who would totally slap this baby on like they need it to live.
The aura should have been Transmutation and Enchantment. Duh. Also, having no save for the Wisdom damage might have turned some people off, but I felt that it was better to have a guaranteed effect in a once/day item and then a perk on a failed save.
I was also kind of wishy-washy on the times per day. One per day kept it cheap (by the pricing guide), but for a once per day effect, it's not really very damaging. I should have made it three times per day, possibly at a similar price.
I saw two "voter rambles" that I thought might refer to mine. "You lost me at no save" which I felt I at least explained, if not justified. And "Isn't this item useless if your GM doesn't use that optional subsystem?" Well, yeah, I guess, but it's an easy add-on.
Thoughts?
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@manservin manaquin
I’m just not sure what an adventurer is supposed to do with it exactly
@Shawl, Spell-Mirror
Hmmm tarasque hide cloak?
@Bracelet of the Peaceful Dove
Smoke em peace pipe. I upvoted this one a lot. Might have one too many tricks on the same item though.
@Provocateur’s Pamphlet
Very cool, but I’m getting an image of the party pasting it to their shield with “surrender!” written on it.
@abiding Light
Not sure what the point of a flame you can see in the darkness is, unless you’re supposed to signal a ship?
@boots of spellwalking
I’m a little wary of giving a spellcaster cheapish spring attack, The stomp and move part seems a little confusing.
@battleforge gauntlets
Very cool in theory, but very expensive in practice. Someone would just spend 50,000 gp and carry a magic weapon
@asatral thiefs opera gloves
I don’t like gloves acting like a goggle to look.
It sounds like the item is supposed to let you reach into an extra dimensional space and pick that pocket, but has mechanics for a few other things that aren’t that.
@Spellmasons mallet
Really liked this one. A dwarf should be able to beat a wall of fire into shape with a hammer.
@stanhope of bloody roots
I liked it. Pretty narrow marketing pool though: witches with a family member in the party
@spellsnaring gauntlets
These didn’t make it? Jip.
@bullet catching duster
The only time you’re really worried about bullets is that first range increment. But this item doesn’t work there.
@lake maker
Decanter of endless water already has this niche filled
@cloak of a thousand daggers
Kind of cheap for something that gives extra attacks. Extra attacks are really, really really powerful.
@Taxonomist’s Codex
I really liked how it used the knowledge skill and made them relevant.
@cloak of the shadow twin
Too complicated. Is it an unseen servant, a shadow, ? Too many rules and exceptions for it being kind of like this and kind of like that.
@Tabard of Sanguine Symbiosis
I liked this one. The bit about spreading the fungus was probably one more trick than it needed. It is a bit complicated to keep track of though
@Sanguine Gem
Up a level down a level up a level if then… wait what does this do?
So you get more caster levels AND the spell gets maximized? I don’t think you can offset that.
@Sibilant Sistrum
Damn you for making me take two drinks in the title.
I liked it, just seemed more like a rod or a staff.
@Bracer of Forceful Restraint
Seems a little close to a dimensional anchor.
Harbinger's Knock
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot –; Price 7500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This ominous bronze door knocker depicts a monstrous head holding a snake-like ring in its mouth. A harbinger's knock can be attached to any solid door, hatch, or portal, which takes 1 minute. After that it can be used in two different ways.
First, it can be used to demoralize creatures on the other side of the door. The user makes an Intimidate skill check with a +8 competence bonus, using the standard rules for Intimidate except that the knock threatens without line of sight.
Alternatively, as a standard action, it can be used to compel creatures on the other side of the door to come and open it. This is a mind-affecting compulsion effect with a range of 30 feet. Creatures who fail a DC 15 Will save will follow the call of the harbinger's knock, and only become aware of this effect after they unlocked or opened the door. Creatures who succeed on this save immediately become alerted to the user's presence.
A harbinger's knock can only be used once every 24 hours on any single door, hatch, or portal. The user decides which effect manifests when using the harbinger's knock.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cause fear, suggestion; Cost 3750 gp
I realized that the condition "opened the door" isn't really one, and leads probably to arguments at the table. The price is high, but I think with such high prankster potential it needs to be or the group can and will cause some serious mayhem in town.
Mapper
First, read this and to a slightly lesser extent, this. Actually read all of SKR's advice threads, as I get the feeling you probably didn't find them before posting, and likely that this was your first time entering the contest. This pretty much sums up the biggest problems with your submission. It just hits the no, no's. Don't feel bad. My first entry was a deemed a "fantasy version of text messaging."
Your item name is not very good in my opinion and you would be better served by calling it cartography sphere. it is more invocative and interesting than "mapper."
Other things I can tell you is that you have some template mistakes. The slot should be "none." The prices should be listed out with the versions in parentheses like this. You did that with your spell requirements so good job there, but spell names, no matter where they lie, should be lower case and italicized. The same goes for magic item names if it appears in the text of your item (even the one you are writing). You capitalize it many times and there is no italics in your entry.
Other things, the map area is very small. That's like a room and a half and won't go through most walls. It almost won't make you "not lost" because it only shows a tiny area. I guess it is mostly used to find still creatures and detect doors and magic in the area. It is just not that cool, unique, or initiative. These things have been done to death and they were disapproved of from the beginning of the contest. My best advice to you is to be active in these forums and read everything here. You will have to think of something no one else has before. Think outside the box, next year come back with something awesome. Good luck.
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8
aka Black Powder Chocobo
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@Antariuk:
I sorta liked the item for being fairly original compared to many things out there. My thought was that every vampire in the world would be making these things :P
The +8 Competence bonus to the Intimidate skill is a bit much. I can see what you're trying to do there (especially with the cause fear component), but that's still a major amount when you get to Intimidate everything within a large radius. Perhaps +4 be more reasonable?
The other major issue I had was the installation. This could be cooler if you needed to get into a place or storm a place (SWAT style) and you could place it immediately and use it for a defeaning boom to Intimidate. Perhaps if it was a 1 round or full-round action to place, but 1 minute to remove so you couldn't spam it, but use it if needed.
Other than that, a couple of minor formatting issues (Price should be 7,500 gp, Cost at 3,750 gp) and the spells used for creation should be italicized.
I look forward to your entry next year :)
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this was my first item submitted. i'd love some criticism/discussion. i saw that it made a personal list of top 32... thanks for that.
The Frosting Sheath
Aura moderate evocation; CL 10th
Slot belt; Price 7,000gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This silver-laid sheath is topped with white fur, yet is cold to the touch giving off a slight frosty mist. One foot long, it has four blue gemstones ranging from nearly transparent to the deepest sapphire and is capable of fitting any bladed slashing weapon. If the command word "gelidious" is said while unsheathing a weapon, the wielder is chilled to the bone losing 10 feet of movement. Creatures that start adjacent lose 5 feet of their listed movements for that round. In addition, the weapon can use the special abilities Icy Burst once a day, and Frost three times per day. These effects stack with existing weapons bonuses except for those of the same name. The movement penalties are in effect only while the weapon is wielded and as long as there are unused special abilities from the sheath. All of the sheath's effects are cold-based.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, chill metal, ice storm; Cost 3,500gp
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Soulvine Seed
Your list making work should be rewarded, but not pulling any punches.
Good introduction
And licking, yeah, that lost you votes right there. The rest of the paragraph is very confusing, I really don't know what the effect of the seed will be, only that it might give me a drawback.
If you have to provide an example in your item description then you are NOT being clear. Also, your effect is very hard to get, why am I paying 9k for this again?
I understand what you are trying to do, but it takes far too long to get to the good stuff. My suggestion would be to focus on clearer mechanics and don't bury your lead.
Spellsnaring Gauntlets
The big problem with your item is that is has been done before, you need to know what your public has already seen and spellcatching gloves / gauntlets have been part of RPG Superstar before.
Your mechanics are good, but as already said, it has been done before.....
Provocateur’s Pamphlet
Very good item, printable as is. I don't know why this didn't end up being rated higher, but my only answer would be that you are missing some mojo. That is a very poor reason, but you need something more in order to let this viral item succeed.
COAT OF THE ETERNAL VAGABONDHere is another one I critiqued previously in the PMing before the top 32 were announced. And here is what I said.
I’m not crazy about teleporting items. And this one doesn’t wow me. By the time the PCs are this item’s caster level they can usually teleport themselves, and not to a random location. Also, as a GM I don’t necessarily want my PCs to have a “get out of trouble and into a random location,” type of item. That is more work for me, and I likely have to find a way to get them back into the adventure. Of course since the GM rolls, it might put them right into an adventure; however this might seem like railroading. I just don’t think it is a superstar idea.[/quote}
I read your self critique and I think you realized that it didn't have the wow factor that most superstar items have. Don't give up; just take your lessons with each passing year and try again. Even if you get everything right, you also have to get lucky as judging items is at least partially subjective and could change over time. Try again, and good luck.
Never got your PM, Nickolas -- just as an FYI in case something went awry with your messaging, and as a heads up to others you might have PMed.
While I am spamming the thread with a reply, thanks to you and Jolly Roger for your feedback, most appreciated. :) I realized the burden on the GM was a risk, and need to think more about how GMs who are not me might react to an item (while still thinking about an item that reflects "me"--quite a challenge).
Shadow Archer’s Gage
Your second sentence is missing a 'the'
Your first power is lacking some oomph, last year I got ripped about burying my lead / lede. You are sort of doing it as well.
Your second power is still lackluster
Boom, you bring it with your third power!
And BAM, your last power falls into the same trap as my item, it really doesn't fit. Why shadow arrows, why? I know why because you come up with the shadow drawing the bow but you should have kept it clean.
Cloak of the Shadow Twin
Cool introduction and the name is good.
I think you meant separate FROM his shadow :)
The idea is neat...but is severely complicated. It almost would have been better to turn the wearer into a shadow instead of a faux construct.
The switching idea is solid but not needed with the complexity of the main power. You really needed the wordcount.
Overall, you have a great creative streak and I would look forward to what else you could. Keep swinging but focus ideas and work on getting complex ideas across in a simple manner.
Looks like I got into the top 100 but didn't manage to impress the judges. However I welcome any and all feedback anyone wants to provide :)
Dwarven Songwood
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot none; Price 2,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This dark rust colored log is soaked in magic and laden with dwarven runes. When burnt the wood releases a relaxing hymn called the Songwood Melody. Creatures sleeping within 60 ft of the music count as receiving long-term care from the heal skill. The fire also burns hot enough to temper non-magical metals. A medium or smaller metal weapon can be hardened with a DC 15 Craft (weapons) check. This takes 1 hour of work and requires water to rapidly cool the metal. Such weapons glow orange when creatures of the orc, goblinoid or giant subtype are within 100 ft and become +1 flaming weapons when within 60 ft of an audible bardic performance. They have no command words and instead are ignited and extinguished based on their proximity to a bardic performance. Their magic fades after 1 day. A log of Dwarven Songwood burns for 10 hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, pyrotechnics, creator must be a dwarven bard; Cost 1,000 gp
Looks like I got into the top 100 but didn't manage to impress the judges. However I welcome any and all feedback anyone wants to provide :)
Dwarven Songwood
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot none; Price 2,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.Description
This dark rust colored log is soaked in magic and laden with dwarven runes. When burnt the wood releases a relaxing hymn called the Songwood Melody. Creatures sleeping within 60 ft of the music count as receiving long-term care from the heal skill. The fire also burns hot enough to temper non-magical metals. A medium or smaller metal weapon can be hardened with a DC 15 Craft (weapons) check. This takes 1 hour of work and requires water to rapidly cool the metal. Such weapons glow orange when creatures of the orc, goblinoid or giant subtype are within 100 ft and become +1 flaming weapons when within 60 ft of an audible bardic performance. They have no command words and instead are ignited and extinguished based on their proximity to a bardic performance. Their magic fades after 1 day. A log of Dwarven Songwood burns for 10 hours.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, pyrotechnics, creator must be a dwarven bard; Cost 1,000 gp
I loved the songwood, in fact I was really hoping it would make the Top 32. I like the idea of the glowing being a synergistic effect to bard-song.
I think the specific nature of the additional buff is probably what limited it, not every party is going to have a bard so unless the songwood counts as bard-song you are only getting half the benefit from the disposable item.
Otherwise I love the idea of this wood crackling with a dwarven smithing hymm whilst party members sleep to it's sonorous tune.
Tabard of Sanguine Symbiosis
Ok it's got an interesting name let's see where you go with it.
You've got a good start...but then you lose me at blood-drinking. It seems to be an easy trap to fall into for RPGSS but blood items don't usually do that great. It has to be THE best blood item to get going.
It IS creative that it's a fungus that's the design.
So you get DR/Slashing but you get bleed damage. Mmm...a little boring of a power but a strong detractor.
Fire OR healing negates this thing...but for how long? Same goes on for how long the DR lasts.
A touch attack to spread the fungus, cool. Does it give DR and bleed damage to the target as well?
Why the temporary hitpoints? Sounds like you are trying to negate the bleed damage...which is a no-no if you have a drawback then you shouldn't negate it.
Overall, you've got a great idea...but you were hampered by choosing blood and by the wonkiness of the mechanics. I would highly recommend taking a look at the previous years Top 32's and the comments on them. Also look through the Blazing 9's. You have some good potential if you sharpen your mechanical skills.
Dedicated Voter Season 7
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It's been an eye opening experience, flattering and frustrating. I know we are all exceptionally busy people so it will mean a great deal to me if you guys could give me an honest critique of my item.
Crown of the Murder King
Aura moderate varied; CL 10th
Slot head; Price 33,000 gp; Weight 2 lb.
DescriptionA silver bauble is nestled in the peak of this crown made of intricately woven, dark brown and green vines. A pair of magical crows perch on either side at all times, restlessly awaiting the wearer's command.
On command these crows can communicate with nearby animals, whispering their responses into the wearer’s ear.
They also retrieve any specified shiny, unattended object (up to five pounds) within line of sight, returning to the wearer the following turn.
For 10 rounds per day, the crows can take flight and burst into a murder of crows that swarms around the wearer. The cloud of crows is so dense that ranged attacks against the wearer often hit a crow instead, as entropic shield. The crows peck and claw any creature in an adjacent square as elemental aura except dealing 1d6 points of damage and applying the shaken condition (DC 18 Reflex save half, negates shaken). The crows descend on any creature in the affected squares that is below 0 hp and strip the flesh from their bones instantly, increasing the ferocity of their assault (as death knell aura, except wearer gains 2d8 temporary hit points, aura affects squares adjacent to wearer, DC 18 Fortitude save negates). For every creature killed this way, the damage dealt increases by 1d6 points of damage (up to 5d6 maximum). The wearer can also command the crows to bear their weight, enabling them to take flight as fly. These bonuses last until the murder is dismissed or expires.
Construction
Requirements[/b] Craft Wondrous Item, death knell aura, entropic shield, elemental aura, fly, mage hand, speak with animal; Cost: 16,500 gp
I kinda liked this one. I think it's trying to do too much at times with many abilities, but the idea of a murder of crows becoming an entropic shield was neat. It got a few of my votes, but I think if it actually did less things it would be a better item. The entire last paragraph is its power house. Speaking with animals and grabbing shiny things feels like its just extra stuff thrown in and takes the spotlight away from the flock of crows.
RPG Superstar 2015
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka mamaursula
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Cilice of Shared Suffering
** spoiler omitted **...
The primary reason I rarely voted for this was because it was a self-inflicting item. It goes against my philosophy of D&D to have the heroes do bad things and as a nurse, SIB is always a cry for help that needs to be addressed. The idea of willfully putting on this cilice gives me the willies. I did occasionally vote for it because it was better written/formatted than some, although you definitely misspelled some words and your language was not as elegant as it might have been. The name is pretty, even if the item is not.
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RPG Superstar 2015
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka mamaursula
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Fierani Fletching Hoop
I loved your item, I voted for it every time I recall seeing it, I asked my GM if I could have one for my next PC. I cannot say that I have any criticisms of it, it says what it is and it does what it says. It's just not the flashiest thing in the pool. Keep trying :-)
I imagine this was a bit too niche and probably better served by being expanded as an artifact, but here's mine as it was submitted:
Scepter of Fools
Aura strong transmutation; CL 16
Slot none; Price 92,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
Originally created by trickster servants of Calistria to taunt Shelynite rivals in royal courts, this item initially appears as a bronze scepter with the head sculpted into an empty jester’s cap. A scepter’s wielder can point it at an intelligent living being to challenge them to a battle of wits. If the target refuses or loses an opposed Perform(comedy) skill check against the wielder, they must make a DC 20 Fort save. If the target fails, they disappear with a flash, their face reappearing in the scepter’s jester cap. If the target wins the opposed skill check, the wielder must save or be pulled into the scepter themselves. If the scepter already has a being trapped within, that being is restored and released in an adjacent square.A being trapped within the scepter does not need to breathe or eat. They can speak, but cannot cast spells. A trapped being is immediately released within 24 hours unless the wielder defeats them again in an opposed Perform(comedy) skill check, which resets the time of release. The risk of the wielder being trapped applies to this check as well.
When the scepter contains a trapped being, it imparts a free aid another check to any Perform checks in which the trapped being has skill ranks. The trapped head can also be commanded to laugh hysterically once per day, affecting all listeners within 30 feet as if targeted by hideous laughter.Anyone trapped within a scepter of fools can be released with command word from the wielder, destroying the scepter, or simply waiting 24 hours after the last duel.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, hideous laughter, polymorph any object; Cost 46,000 gp
I did come across this one and voted against it. While the item is clearly imaginative, I had a problem with the mechanics. I thought the skill (Perform [comedy]) was too specific, coupled with the fact that even if the target refuses he/she still has to make the DC 20 Fortitude save or disappear into the scepter. What I imagined as a GM is a scenario where my PCs square off with my wizard BBEG. Now, this BBEG isn't likely to have Perform anything, much less, comedy, so he/she refuses and because it's a wizard, probably doesn't have the best Fort save. Now, my poor BBEG is stuck in the wand so the PCs wait 24 hours until he/she is free (after they've buffed and moved the wand into a small enclosed space so they can set up flanks) and skewer the wizard as soon as he/she appears. Hope this helps.
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka FaxCelestis
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Dwarven Songwood
I loved the songwood. I think people may have gotten caught up in a little bit of thematic dissonance (singing bard-dwarves?) and couldn't put that aside. The 'glowing near orcs' thing may have also played into it: LotR references are regarded as low-hanging fruit and tend to do worse in the polls than they really deserve to.
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Dedicated Voter Season 7
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This was my biggest concern when putting the item together. Certainly something I attempted to avoid. Was there a specific way that you can see that happening?Didn't like this item since it breaks game balance. I see this item leading to wizards and other lightly armored characters figuring out how to carry the mannequin around with them in a...Sewing Form of the Steel Seamstress
Aura strong transmutation; CL 12th
Slot none; Price 90,000 gp; Weight 200 lbs.
Description
...
The item never lists a weight or says that it must remain in place. So there are a few things a groups of adventurers might try. Hiring some people to carry it around for them is one idea. Putting it in the back of a wagon would also work to transport it without using magic. One mile is a pretty big radius, and without saying stone and the like blocks it, a group could just leave it outside the cave they're about to explore and it would likely work while they were inside it. Even if the group did need to travel across the planes, they could just remove the armor from the form before traveling, and immediately re-atune to it.
Now, if I can put the rules technicality hat aside for a second, I'm guessing what you're going for here is some sort of lord or captain at a castle or fort putting their armor and the form in the back room, so they can go about their business wearing normal clothes and still be defended from attacks. Maybe the king has armor of greater fortification in the back so now he can't be sneak attacked. It's not a bad idea, still maybe a little OP, but it needs something to actually lock the form to a given location. Making it so the form had to tune itself to a location for an extended period of time before functioning in that location would help GMs avoid conversations with players trying to figure out how to transport the Form around so they can keep its bonuses at all times. Just because it can't be magically transported won't stop people from moving it through mundane means.
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I never saw this during voting, and sad to say, I can make a guess why: it's extremely likely you got disqualified. Unfortunately, you latched on to one of I think two monsters Paizo has published in the AP bestiaries that aren't actually Paizo-owned. (The Deep Crow, I believe, being the other one.) Paizo...I don't think I survived past the cull. I must have done something seriously wrong. I don't know if it's flavor, that it is probably best for only one class, that I neutered down a powerful item by limited uses, pricing, partaking of some other taboo, that I over-engineered the name (Coeurl being a creature in the back of the Legacy of Fire AP, domino meaning the mask and not the game piece), etc.
Coeurl Domino
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot head; Price 8,200 gp; Weight ---
Description
This thin, silky mask melds into the flesh painting the areas surrounding the wearer's eyes as well as the entirety of the wearer's ears with shadowy black skin. The domino may be activated as a free action for three rounds per day which need not be consecutive rounds. When activated, wavering tendrils sprout from the wearer's ears, and the wearer becomes acutely aware of and capable of manipulating vibrations. The mask grants the ability to perform a ranged Disable Device check up to 15 feet against mechanical devices. The wearer automatically knows whether or not this check has succeeded. The wearer also gains Blindsight out to a range of 60 feet. Additionally, all attacks by the wearer against Constructs causes an additional 2d6 points of damage. While the domino is activated, the wearer is vulnerable to sonic damage. Deafening the wearer thwarts all capabilities of the mask. Once donned, the mask may only be removed by the wearer or by others upon the wearer's death.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, see invisibility, shatter, summon monster I; Cost 4,100 gp
No joy.
Would anyone mind ripping it apart for me and telling me where there is room for improvement?
AbyssLord
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Dedicated Voter Season 7
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Looks like I got into the top 100 but didn't manage to impress the judges. However I welcome any and all feedback anyone wants to provide :)
Dwarven Songwood
Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th
Slot none; Price 2,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.Description
This dark rust colored log is soaked in magic and laden with dwarven runes. When burnt the wood releases a relaxing hymn called the Songwood Melody. Creatures sleeping within 60 ft of the music count as receiving long-term care from the heal skill. The fire also burns hot enough to temper non-magical metals. A medium or smaller metal weapon can be hardened with a DC 15 Craft (weapons) check. This takes 1 hour of work and requires water to rapidly cool the metal. Such weapons glow orange when creatures of the orc, goblinoid or giant subtype are within 100 ft and become +1 flaming weapons when within 60 ft of an audible bardic performance. They have no command words and instead are ignited and extinguished based on their proximity to a bardic performance. Their magic fades after 1 day. A log of Dwarven Songwood burns for 10 hours.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, pyrotechnics, creator must be a dwarven bard; Cost 1,000 gp
I liked it. Given the price and single use nature, however, it has limited utility. I'm not sure what hardning the weapon does other than nchanting it with the +1 flaming ability for goblins and orcs. It's a solid lower level party item if they can actually use it (read - if they have the craft skill required, and they are fighting the right type of monster). If a higher level party wants to throw 2,000 GP a day on the bonus instead of enchanting that many +1 weapons, or after 4 days a permanent +1 flaming weapon, more power too them, so I'm not worred about balance issues.
Actual advice for this item? Drop the craft skill requirement and say it enchants up to 10 weapons. Making 10 +1 flaming weapons for a day is a bargain for 2,000 GP, likely used at the end of a story arc with the PCs and their friends about to raid an orc encampment. At higher levels, the party likely has better weapons anyway, and doens't need the benefit of the healing bonus. The only other thing to consider would be if you wanted to include other types as receiving the +1 flaming bonus.
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Dedicated Voter Season 7
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...I never saw this during voting, and sad to say, I can make a guess why: it's extremely likely you got disqualified. Unfortunately, you latched on to one of I think two monsters Paizo has published in the AP bestiaries that aren't actually Paizo-owned. (The Deep Crow, I believe,I don't think I survived past the cull. I must have done something seriously wrong. I don't know if it's flavor, that it is probably best for only one class, that I neutered down a powerful item by limited uses, pricing, partaking of some other taboo, that I over-engineered the name (Coeurl being a creature in the back of the Legacy of Fire AP, domino meaning the mask and not the game piece), etc.
Coeurl Domino
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot head; Price 8,200 gp; Weight ---
Description
This thin, silky mask melds into the flesh painting the areas surrounding the wearer's eyes as well as the entirety of the wearer's ears with shadowy black skin. The domino may be activated as a free action for three rounds per day which need not be consecutive rounds. When activated, wavering tendrils sprout from the wearer's ears, and the wearer becomes acutely aware of and capable of manipulating vibrations. The mask grants the ability to perform a ranged Disable Device check up to 15 feet against mechanical devices. The wearer automatically knows whether or not this check has succeeded. The wearer also gains Blindsight out to a range of 60 feet. Additionally, all attacks by the wearer against Constructs causes an additional 2d6 points of damage. While the domino is activated, the wearer is vulnerable to sonic damage. Deafening the wearer thwarts all capabilities of the mask. Once donned, the mask may only be removed by the wearer or by others upon the wearer's death.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, see invisibility, shatter, summon monster I; Cost 4,100 gp
I did see this item at least once. I also was much busier and didn't vote as much after the cull, so I can't say when I saw it.
Flavorful, but I'm not a fan of the items this year that basically allowed to free disable device checks. This was one of them. Drop "the wearer knows if this check has succeeded" and I don't actually mind making the check from 15 feet away.
The extra construct damage seems out of place. It kind of works with disabling devices, but with the other abilities at this price it seems like a bit much.
That all said I'm pretty sure I did vote for it at least once. Go go weird ear tendrils!
I had no idea how to really set the CL, and I changed the price like 3 or 4 times before submitting because I wasn't sure, but...
I'm ready (head turned away, squinting), hit me...
Marrow of borrowbone (ink set)
Aura strong conjuration and transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 20,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
Created from the marrow of borrowbone, this shimmering ink is used to create the Arcane Marks of the Borrowbone Pact. Borrow beasts pair off, entering pacts that allow the mystical beasts to instantly swap places with their partners at will. A pair of ink vials are made from paired beasts, one vial per borrow beast.
The ink is placed using arcane mark, except:
-It cannot be placed on items.
-The ink is tattooed into the skin in any slot(s), permanently binding with the character’s blood.
-The character’s blood refreshes both the mark(s) and effects for life.
-The effects can only be ended by death.
-It cannot be used in conjunction with the instant summons spell.
Character Requirements:
-Two characters can enter into a pact, no more.
-A character can only partner once in their lifetime.
-Characters willfully agree to the Borrowbone Pact.
-Both characters’ alignments must be good.
-Both are tattooed on the same parts of the body.
-Each character is only tattooed with their own vial.
Arcane Marks of the Borrowbone Pact grant the ability Borrowbone Pact (Su): As an immediate action and summons, partners in a Borrowbone Pact can instantly exchange items equipped in the same marked slot at will, one slot per round. If an item is swapped more than once per day by using this ability, it has a 5% chance of being destroyed immediately. If an item is destroyed in this manner, neither character can equip an item in that same slot for 1d4 days.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane mark, Craft (Tattoos), one borrowbone (bone of the borrow beast) from each partner; Cost 9,000 gp