RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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I'm in. You spend tie preparing for future rounds that it's always tempting to want to get feedback on them and see how you might stack up against the Chosen Ones. : b
I am in too. Practice is as practice does eh? :)
Heck, I want to show off the organization I wrote up that I ended up NOT submitting (though that one I may hold on to for a bit, because it could show up if I manage to get to the Final Four).
I do have another one that I didn't even really finish into the first draft stage that I'll put up, though, since I think it's got some fun concepts behind it (just ran out of time/started focusing on the other two ideas).
I am better at designing this stuff than wondrous items anyway, Guess being a GM and rarely ever running a PC is to blame I suppose. I'm in.
I had my organization in the works. It it just difficult for me to deliver an accurate representation of them with the limited word space so even though the official rules would not have allowed me to expand on whatever I can post I can answer in-depth questions if anyone wants to know more than what I post based on the contest rules.
I will post it after round 2 is over.
One more day....
Voting's over, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you all have to share!
That is a good point. It is not like waiting until tomorrow is going to change anything.
I don't have all the entry titles bolded. I just don't feel like entering the BB code
Scions of Scorn
Alignment: LE
Headquarters: Underneath the Eye of Abendego
Leader: Falkim N'gohera
Structure: Cell-like structure of loosely affiliated individuals and groups striving for success
Scope: Regional-All over the world except for Tian Xia, and Numeria currently
Resources: Safe Houses, Gold from members, and safe houses every city in which they have a cell
Introduction
150 years ago 9 drow males lost all credit for stopping an Aboleth invasion, instead they were punished because they had to break several drow laws in order to succeed. Why, because they broke the stereotype of female superiority. Facing a terrible transformation into driders they opted to attempt an escape. Upon making it to the surface they used their various skills to create a truly unique organization to serve their purposes, mostly consisting of disgruntled drow males. Determined to rise beyond their born station in life they are above the bickering and backstabbing that is common in drow society.
Structure and Leadership
These original drow, known simply as The Nine still live, with their elected leader Falkim N'gohera guiding them. He is not a leader in the typical sense however. All of them vote on important issues, and he is only allowed to make a decision unopposed when immediate decisions need to be made. An election is held every 20 years, but so far no one has stepped forward to be challenge for leadership.
Working under the supervision of The Nine are drow males, each a potential threat, hoping to gain favor with or replace a member The Nine one day.
Goals:
The goals of each member are his own, but they are second to the goals of the organization. One goal is to make sure that no drow male that is willing and able to succeed be mistreated on the basis of being a drow male alone. In return for taking on missions that strengthen the Scions of Scorn, the organization helps individuals based on past performances, and future potential to achieve their goals. The organization's other goal is to humble the female drow who did not respect their talents, and to prove that female drow superiority is just a myth.
Public
Most people don't even know the Scions of Scorn exist, even if they do business with them. They only know that they have a powerful ally. Those that do know of them keep it to themselves if they desire to live.
Star Voter Season 6
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I’ll be sure to get my organization out there soon! In the meantime:
Very brave being the first!
Your organization made me scratch my head a few times. First, you immediately grabbed my attention by saying the group’s headquarters are “Underneath the Eye of Abendego.” That could be cool, and I ask myself, “Are they aquatic?” “Is this an undersea fortress?” The rest of your entry never touches on the headquarters though, so I am left with drow (subterranean dwellers) who live in a hurricane.
The goals do not really spell out how this organization is antagonistic to the PCs (unless those PCs happen to be female drow). Your organization could be stronger if you provided additional goals that would put them in direct opposition to the forces of good in the world.
I am also curious about how people who do business with the Scions don’t know they exist. Do they only meet under cover of darkness? Do they use agents? That would be a good question to address in your write up.
Similarly, how do they manage to be world-spanning? How do they communicate with cells in Arcadia, Vudra, or other remote corners of the world? Addressing those questions would take up word count, so a better idea might have been to limit the Scions’ scope to their more immediate surroundings.
Apart from that, there are just some nitpicky grammar issues. Paizo authors do not typically pose rhetorical questions in their descriptions (such as your use of “why” in the introduction). You should also watch your commas: In the first sentence of structure and leadership, you need a comma after “the Nine” but do not need one after “live”. Likewise, in your opening sentence, you need a semicolon or period after “invasion”; the way it is written, you open with a run-on sentence.
I think you’ve got some good ideas. Just remember to revise, revise, revise, and ask critical questions about your work to make sure you are fully explaining all the ideas you present.
The word limit kind of killed me, which is why I was forgiving to some of the official round 2 superstars. I am sure had they been allowed a higher word count more things would have been explained. I am about to get ready for work. I will answer your questions about the organization when I get back later tonight.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012
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Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
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The word limit kind of killed me, which is why I was forgiving to some of the official round 2 superstars. I am sure had they been allowed a higher word count more things would have been explained. I am about to get ready for work. I will answer your questions about the organization when I get back later tonight.
I believe the word limit was an inherent part of the challenge. I definitely felt the same way you do, plus I also made a couple of mistakes which limited my word count further.
Your organization seems suitably antagonistic. Nice work.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2011 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7
aka primemover003
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Here's my attempt. It's similar in theme to Nate Lange's Children of Carnage, but has a tighter approach on being a nihilistic cult.
Cataclysm Epiphany
Alignment: CE
Headquarters: The Lost Mines
Leader: The twisted prophet, Twelve Shackles Broken
Structure: religious cult
Scope: national
Resources: The Lost Mines (fortified monster breeding and training facility), Nettlehold (fey haunted stockade in the Backar forest), caravans for smuggling operations, black market agents, paramilitary political movement
The Cataclysm Epiphany believes the mightiest of the Spawn of Rovagug, the legendary Tarrasque, lies dormant somewhere beneath the southern Mindspin Mountain range. Guided by the visions of the mad oracle Twleve Shackles Broken the cult enacts savage rites of destruction utilizing magical beasts unleashed upon civilization. Through ritual bloodshed and widespread chaos the Cataclysm Epiphany hopes to appease the Rough Beast and awaken the Tarrasque. The cult focuses on stoking the fires of open war between the feuding nations of Molthune and Nirmathas, preying on the former nation’s expansionist tendencies and the latter’s lack of strong central leadership.
Structure and Leadership
Twelve Shackles Broken directs the cult from the depths of the Lost Mines, where monsters captured in the Mindspin Mountains are bred for sale in black markets and trained for attacks against Molthune. Striking from the twigjack citadel of Nettlehold in the Backar forest the half-orc demolitionist Kargor Gatecrasher masterminds acts of monstrous terrorism against the burgeoning city of Braganza. Ionnia of Galt a political firebrand heads the nascent Fangwood Liberation front, a militia of Chernasado rangers tired of the Forest Marshal’s strategies by whipping up patriotic furor and playing on the fear of brutal occupation by Molthune’s nonhuman troops.
Goals
Goading Molthune and Nirmathas into full-fledged war is a coordinated, two pronged approach. Terror cells target the numerous construction projects of the Prince-Archbanker of Braganza costing him both valuable coin and precious laborers. Meanwhile the Fangwood Liberation front musters its militia to plunder the vast farms of the Plains of Molthune, selecting the most overzealous raiders as potential cult initiates. When the Imperial Army responds to monster attacks on Braganza, Kargor’s terror cell melts into the forest opening a window for the Fangwood Liberation front to strike. As the atrocities mount, the Imperial Army’s hunger for swift reprisal grows.
Public Perception
The freedom fighters of Nirmathas have embraced the Fangwood Liberation front as a legitimate political and military force joining in growing numbers. The General Lords see them as an excuse to mobilize for invasion. In Braganza the Prince-Archbanker has offered bounties on the heads of all magical beasts slain within his domain hoping to attract adventurers to protect his workforce.
--Monsters of Vrock
I'm in! I'm assuming with the posting already starting that we're not allowing the 24 hour "honor to the contestants that move on" period?
I'll post the draft I had when the submitions for organizations deadline hit tomorrow. It's rough, but I figure its only fair. I don't know about anyone else, but playing along at home my goal is to give myself the same time period that the actual contestants get as well.
In the meantime, I'll post my thoughts on the Scions of Scorn.
Scions of Scorn
I agree with whats already been posted. I think this needs to be a little tighter, considering the word limit. I have all sorts of ideas as to how I'd tie this in to a group of adventurers and make the organization antagonistic, but I'm left feeling very unsure about certain parts. Such as, do they operate on the surface? Do they have any other unified goals? How do they plan to go about usurping the dominance of female drow? How would that place them at odds with the party?
Word limits seem to really cut into this.
Personally, the whole drow thing was off for me as well. It felt more FR than Golarion to me, but that could just be a personal bias.
All in all, I think tightening it up would make it workable for sure.
The Cataclysm Epiphany
So, a group of Rovagug worshipping evil dudes hopes to awaken the Tarrasque by sowing contention and warfare? Not sure I get the connection, but that could just be my lack of Golarion-fu.
I think the writing it really tight. Certainly, a lot of information has been packed in to the word limit...and it still flows quite well despite this. I had to go back and re-read things a few times, but I think thats because I'm not very familiar with the nations in question.
What I did love was the fact that just reading the outline I was already starting to form plots and storylines for how my PCs could get pulled into a much bigger plot. Slaying some monsters for a bounty and the next thing you know the humble adventurers are setting their sites on taking down an evil cult!
So, with all that, there's just one thing that threw me off. A cult trying to raise a world destroying abomination? Haven't we seen this already? Throw in the word 'Cataclysm' and its just too reminiscent of the storyline for the worlds most popular MMORPG...and I don't play the game.
Other than that, great stuff! (but then...you've already made it into the contest once, so you probably know that already...)
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2011 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7
aka primemover003
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The Cataclysm EpiphanySo, a group of Rovagug worshipping evil dudes hopes to awaken the Tarrasque by sowing contention and warfare? Not sure I get the connection, but that could just be my lack of Golarion-fu.
I think the writing it really tight. Certainly, a lot of information has been packed in to the word limit...and it still flows quite well despite this. I had to go back and re-read things a few times, but I think thats because I'm not very familiar with the nations in question.
What I did love was the fact that just reading the outline I was already starting to form plots and storylines for how my PCs could get pulled into a much bigger plot. Slaying some monsters for a bounty and the next thing you know the humble adventurers are setting their sites on taking down an evil cult!
So, with all that, there's just one thing that threw me off. A cult trying to raise a world destroying abomination? Haven't we seen this already? Throw in the word 'Cataclysm' and its just too reminiscent of the storyline for the worlds most popular MMORPG...and I don't play the game.
Other than that, great stuff! (but then...you've already made it into the contest once, so you probably know that already...)
Funny I don't play that MMORPG either so I don't know any of its storylines. Honestly I don't see the Tarrasque as a World Destroying monster, but it'll certain cut a swath of devestation across a continent and it will definitely threaten the greater region surrounding Lake Encarthan.
Golarion fu is a heavy component of this round so if my entry makes you want to bust out the Inner Sea World Guide or run over to thePathfinder wiki I've done half the job. That you also have plot ideas for you adventurers completes the circle!
--Vrock you like a Hurricane
I wrote a number of organizations before the Top 32 were announced this year. I'm most interested in feedback on this one, because I stopped developing it at a certain point on the grounds that some might find it out of place in Golarion. I'm curious to know whether that (moot) call was the right one.
Eudego's Salvage:
Eudego's Salvage
Alignment: NE
Headquarters: Eudego's dock on the Botosani watefront in Rahadoum
Leader: Eudego Chadak (manipulated by mi-go cabal)
Structure: Network of affiliated pirates and smugglers
Scope: The northern and western coasts of Garund
Resources: Substantial wealth; a dock in Botosani; scattered safehouses; a dozen salvaged mi-go ships capable of starflight at rare "aetheric updraft" sites
Eudego's Salvage conceals a network of pirates and smugglers. The rumors of the their methods, though incredible, are true; using bizarre ships with sails like wasp wings, they can sail to the skies and beyond. Even more frightening than wings of pirate ships sailing down from the moon, though, is the hidden power behind their flight. Salvaged from an ancient mi-go scouting force, these ships contain hidden, dormant mi-go who have now begun to awaken. As they regrow on-board, the mi-go replace crew-members with fungoid duplicates, turning Eudego's Salvage into a new instrument for their plans.
Structure and Leadership
Elderly half-ogre Eudego Chadak subsisted as an unscrupulous salvor until he chanced upon the wrecks of ancient mi-go aetherships. He gradually salvaged the ships, leasing each to a pirate crew to fund more repairs. Soon, he found himself with a fleet of ships and a network of eager criminal contractors. Though Eudego tops the pyramid, he's now pawn to a mi-go cabal who infest his home and perform brain surgery in his sleep to manipulate him. The mi-go have also replaced many of Eudego's pirate captains with clones to better guide certain rowdy crews.
Goals
At first, Eudego sought only profit. Treasure-seeking cutthroats still comprise most of his crews, though some of his smugglers have religious reasons for operating near godless Rahadoum. The mi-go who increasingly direct the company, however, care nothing for money. They seek to spread across Golarion, to retake their ships, and to ferry materials to the dark side of the moon to build a new mi-go city. Though mostly autonomous, Eudego's crews usually accept any paid work from Eudego for fear of losing their ships. Thus, even those who know nothing of the mi-go unwittingly do their bidding.
Public Perception
Most believe that Eudego is a fence or middleman, but some know that he actually runs a criminal network. Few believe the rumors of flying ships and not-quite-human pirates. Even within the group, no one but Eudego knows of the aetherships' true nature or of the mi-go's existence.
Scions of Scorn
Strong Points: The headquarters under the Eye of Abednego, though not properly developed, is the seed of a great location. I also love villains whose actions originate from legitimate grievances, as The Nine's do. Evil vs. evil is always a fun situation to throw at PCs, so I like the drow vs. drow angle (but see below).
Weak Points: First off, the writing is weak. It's excessively conversational and its grammar is not up to professional standards. I point this out in a spirit of constructive criticism, because it's one of those things people don't like to call you on, but which they will judge you on. Secondly, the group's motivation is too narrow. It doesn't put the drow in direct opposition to most PCs, nor does it give a clear indication of what this group does with its resources. Just how do they "humble" female drow? How do they fight gender discrimination by the drow when they are outcasts from drow society? I don't really know what this group does.
Suggestions for Improvement: If these drow were out to one-up the drow matriarchy by beating them at the conquest game, they'd be a more dire and more widely relevant threat. If they were also using inside knowledge to attack and take over drow holdings on the surface, that would link their MO to the nice morally-ambiguous evil vs. evil situation that you set up. Generally speaking, I suggest writing with the GM/reader foremost in your mind: tell her what these guys are up to and specifically how she can use them in her stories and encounters. For every time you wrote "success" or "goals," you could have thrown in a specific example instead to knock the reader's socks off.
The Cataclysm Epiphany:
Strong Points: I love the idea of a cult dedicated to awakening the tarrasque. Weaving that sweeping and abstract goal into a regional political conflict broadens the group's usefulness to all kinds of different stories. It also makes the cult feel like it connected to the everyday world, which is one place where the cliche "evil cult" often falters. The group's two-pronged activities, which could have been muddy if described carelessly, are quite coherent.
Weak Points: The connection between your two core ideas is tenuous. You had a chance to connect the group's warmongering to the rise of the tarrasque in the Goals section, but decided to focus on the strategy of their provocation instead, which left your best idea hanging forgotten in the blurb. Twelve Shackles Broken is a bit underdeveloped, given that his visions are the group's raison d'être.
Suggestions for Improvement: This concept would have been just right if you'd had a longer word count. As it stands, some simplification seems to be in order. I'd have liked to see the blurb and/or the Goals section trimmed down to permit at least a sentence or two about how, precisely, the group's actions are supposed to awaken the tarrasque. You could have framed those sentences as descriptions of Twelve Shackles Broken's hazy visions, maximizing that word count both to solidify his character and to give us the group's rationale for using warmongering to raise the beast.
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2011 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7
aka primemover003
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I wrote a number of organizations before the Top 32 were announced this year. I'm most interested in feedback on this one, because I stopped developing it at a certain point on the grounds that some might find it out of place in Golarion. I'm curious to know whether that (moot) call was the right one.
Eudego's Salvage:
** spoiler omitted **...
Very interesting hook and very concise writing. I like the growing mi-go influence among the fleet and the vast emptiness of Rahadoum makes for a remote corner of Golarion where the PCs might be the only power with the moxy to combat the mi-go threat.
I could see this happening over land as easily as water. Eudego could be a prospector who found the ships underground, the pirates could be brigands who now eschew camels or horses for alien vessels. If this were land based the few mi-go and their clones could use derro to do their mind control on Eudego (because alien abduction falls to the derro in Golarion).
--Moon Vrocks
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Star Voter Season 6
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Ok, let me know what you think!
Voidseers
Alignment: CE
Headquarters: Korvosa
Leader: Sarren Glane
Structure: Society of Astronomers and Arcanists
Scope: Regional (Inner Sea)
Resources: Scattered observatories, libraries, and arcane laboratories
The insane ramblings of Servinian Irrastis, a disgraced member of the Saoc Brethren, lay forgotten for nearly a century, scattered among the drowned remains of the spired city of Hyrantam. Upon recovering the forgotten stargazer’s writings, the Korvosan astronomer Sarren Glane used the obscure star charts to view unknown corners of the night sky. What Glane beheld forever shattered his mind as well as the minds of the many colleagues with whom he shared his research. Known as the Voidseers, these unassuming academics herald the return of a Great Old One, and with it the impending devastation of Golarion.
Structure and Leadership
The far-flung members of the Voidseers correspond regularly, sharing notes, drawings, and diagrams documenting their terrible discoveries. In disseminating their discoveries, they have formed alliances with demented arcanists, devotees of the Old Cults, and aberrant beings who share their cause. From his post at the University of Korvosa, Sarren Glane commands little loyalty apart from the prestige of having first brought Servinian Irrastis’s discoveries to light. The Voidseers’ research exacts a significant toll on their sanity; as a result, their activity tends to be disorganized and sporadic.
Goals
The Voidseers perceive the impending demise of civilization as an inevitability. With a sense of pervasive doom, they seek to aid the return of the terrible being they have discovered, hoping only for the reward of a quick and painless death. To this end, they have a keen interest in recovering scrolls, tomes, and antiquities relating to Servinian Irrastis’s research. Agents of the Voidseers sent abroad to collect such artifacts invariably meet a calamitous end before piecing together the organization’s true goals. Retreating from the mundanities of ordinary life, the members of the Guild conduct their research with little regard for the welfare of other people, all of whom, according to the Voidseers, are destined for destruction.
Public Perception
Operating under the benign pretext of a “fellowship of learned astronomers,” the Voidseers take pains to present themselves as nothing more than harmless eccentrics and reclusive academics. Surely any who might uncover their true nature would oppose such catastrophic goals, but the Voidseers have largely avoided such scrutiny.
Voidseers:
Strong Points: This entry is well written and doesn't feel cramped, a real accomplishment given the word count. Connecting your group to the Saoc Brethren and Hyrantam makes it specific to Golarion. That's key, because Mythos stuff (much as I love it) can sometimes pull the reader out of the Golarion IP. I like the first and second lines of the "Goals" section; attempting to hasten an inevitable apocalypse to make it less painful is a motivation both logical and frightening.
Weak Points: The organization's concept and activities are rather generic. Conceptually, this learned cult is not so different from any other. Its activities are both narrow (mostly tied to its own founder and his prophecies) and vague. We know that they seek "scrolls, tomes and antiquities," but we don't know how or where they might acquire such things, nor what they might use them for upon acquisition. The group also seems too disorganized to fit its concept. An organization with a really strong hook and a natural reason to act cooperatively can be decentralized without becoming irrelevant. The Voidseers have neither, and so they verge on being a bunch of people who've read the same books, rather than a true organization.
Suggestions for Improvement: This entry needed specifics, both to make it more attractive to GMs and to set it apart from the cliche Mythos cult. You mention abberation allies, which would have been fun to emphasize. You've also got strong background ties to prophecy, astronomy and the Eye of Abednego. Any of those could have suggested a unifying and specific program of action to give your group greater focus; for example, they could sacrifice people to the Eye during celestial alignments (perhaps using a Bermuda-triangle type effect reaching across Golarion) or they could intervene in once-foretold defeats for the Old Ones that could now become victories, thanks to the failure of prophecy. I like the Why for this group, but I wanted to see more How.
questions
The answer below are simplistic, but should get the general idea across.
Well to be honest I have not decided if they are on the ocean floor, or under the ocean floor yet with regard to the HQ. The only thing I had decided was that specialized teleportation magic was the best way in.Their activities that take place on the surface are what gives the organization the resources to eventually prove the worth. What sort of things they do would only be a short list of examples such as stealing or uncovering artifacts, blackmailing government officials, and so on.
Working with someone without them knowing who you are is a common trope. If someone figures out who they are then intimidation would come into place. If that fails then the person is marked for death.
As to the world spanning situation they try to have at least one of their members in every major city, but due to the low number of drow that are not of the belief that the females are superior, and even a low percentage of them are willing and able to fight back their numbers are not that high. Once you get past that the number of drow that are able to get past the "stab you in the back" mentality it kind of makes things hard for them to spread as far as they would like. Each member is a potential BBEG of mid-level boss in his own right though, even if he is only a BBEG for a 3rd level party.
I was going to do a rewrite, but I decided to present it mostly as it was when round 1 ended. I figured I could fix things from there once I got some feedback.
OwlBear:
The writing was rushed, why I don't know. I do like your suggestion to say how they plan to humble the matriarchs, which is part of the goal of proving their worth. I was going to leave it up to the GM, but I guess giving examples of how much trouble they can cause would give a good indicator of their power level.
They are not supposed to directly oppose the PC's with the goal. It is just that the main goal results in causing the good citizens of Golarion issues due to the fact that they have no qualms about how they get it done.
edit:The Golarion drow are also ruled by females, and treat males badly according to the darklands book. They are similar to the FR ones, and I don't see much difference other than an elf can suddenly become a drow if it is evil enough.
My favorite part of RPGS is the chance to continue "participating" after the not making the Top 32! ^_^
This would have been my most likely entry. Surprised to see a handful of witch-themed organizations in the contest this year!
Alignment: NE
Headquarters: Barstoi, Ustalav
Leader: Piotr Vulkir
Structure: Coven of vengeful witches
Scope: Regional
Resources: A secret forest grove hidden by magic, stores of various potions and magical items, and assorted provisions stolen from slain Pharasmin witch-hunters
In Barstoi, whenever a witch is burned alive at the stake, a seed of vengeance is sewn among the ashes. Led by the reincarnation of the first witch executed under Count Neska’s draconian rule, the Circle of Ashes is a nascent coven of witches seeking to avenge the unjust executions of loved ones who committed the “crime” of arcane magic. Drawing their power from a mysterious patron known only to them as “Justice”, the witches go to the vilest and most abhorrent lengths to achieve their ends.
Structure and Leadership
Piotr Vulkir, who claims to be the reincarnation of Barstoi’s first-burned witch, formed the circle and is uncontested in his role as leader. In fact, many of the coven’s more dedicated members worship him with a devotion bordering on obsession. The green hag Aphryxis acts as his unspoken second-in-command due in large part to the considerable power she brings the group, but her motives for participation are kept hidden.
While each member is dangerous in his or her own right, the circle’s true power lies in its numbers. Each and every witch in the Circle of Ashes is trained in the working of coven magic and, when acting in concert, the group is capable of casting spells of terrifying power, many of which lasting days, sometimes even weeks at a time.
Goals
While the Circle of Ashes ultimately hopes to bring an end to Neska’s life and the authority of the church, its members keep their current operations small, murdering groups of Pharasmin inquisitors, clerics, and paladins wherever they find them. However, as patience among the witches wears thin, the circle finds itself ready to take more drastic measures.
Public Perception
Little if anything is known about the circle, save that when an arcanist is burned for their crimes in Barstoi, sometimes a member of the family goes missing shortly thereafter as well. Villagers suspect that the Church of Pharasma may be in fact abducting these individuals for unknown, possibly nefarious ends. These speculations serve only to further the circle’s agenda of exposing their perceived corruption of the Pharasmin church.
I havent had much time to tidy this up, so it's pretty raw - I'm concentrating on catching up my reviews - almost done on the items now and made a start on the organisations.
So, in the spirit of share and enjoy...
Here's what I was working on in preparation for round 2.
Leavers of the Sky (384 words)
Alignment: N
Headquarters: Four Brothers House, Highhelm
Leader: Morgrym Barrowdown, known as Silverbeard
Structure: Multinational Corporation
Scope: Global
Resources: A huge dungeon complex beneath Highhelm, and many small holdings Golarion wide where individual dwarves monitor for resurfacing dwarven artefacts, talk of discovered passages that run deep and identification of new rising powers.
The membership of this organisation consists entirely of Dwarves who strive towards reopening the ways back to the long lost ancestral homes, turning their backs on the Sky Citadels and the surface world. They believe that dwarven society will become extinct unless they can reclaim their lost ancestral lands.
Structure and Leadership
This organisation was formed by four dwarven brothers, two centuries ago, when their desire to find their ancestral roots became their driving ambition.
The eldest, Silverbeard, took the mantle of overseer and final arbitrator of the council of three. His three brothers form the leading council, each dealing with a subdivision of activity towards the shared goal.
One is responsible for the acquisition of recovered dwarven artefacts and lore, another with recruitment and the identification of rising powers arranging the approach for offering the construction of dungeons and lairs, the last dealing with construction, designing and population of new dungeons and lairs, using each as an opportunity to seek the elusive path home.
Goals
The dwarves have one simple goal, re-opening the way back to their ancestral homes, so safeguarding the future of the dwarven culture and race.
They will buy or steal recovered dwarven artefacts from adventuring parties, sending assassination squads if thwarted.
They will create dungeons and lairs for rising powers of any persuasion, using such construction to fund the search for lost ways and passages back home.
They will hire adventuring parties to test their latest in traps and dungeon design and to safeguard them in dangerous digs.
They will find a way home, no matter the cost, even if they have to tunnel all the way there over the coming centuries.
Public Perception
Other dwarves regard members of this organisation as fanatics following an impossible dream. Others view the members as sad and delusional, pitying their inability to accept that which fate has served them; unaware that it is these dwarves who are responsible for the dungeons and lairs that trouble them.
I wrote this up prior to the top 32 posting their entries. After reading said entries, I wish I would have come up with a name as cool as "The Unfettered" instead.
I'll try and get to reviewing others later on today. Here's mine:
Alignment: LE
Headquarters: The Compound – countryside outside of Egorian, Cheliax
Leader: Vittio Highstep (also Faritsi Varguli)
Structure: Theocratic Corporation
Scope: Primarily National, increasing International presence
Resources: Converted mansion and surrounding land, numerous local agents and a few dozen international agents, several hundred thousand gold in liquid assets, fanatical followers
The Unchained believe that freedom is not inherent and all must earn the right to be free. Through strength of arms, wit, or dedicated service, all members have overcome their own slavery.
The Unchained see slavery as a natural state; as such, they operate two components of their business: training slaves sold at childhood, indoctrinating them to their ideals, and taking contracts to Chain those undeserving of the right of freedom, often wealthy nobles with powerful enemies. Due to their slaves’ constant faithfulness, the Unchained have earned a reputation among the slavers, and Chained Ones subsequently sell for premium prices.
Structure and Leadership
Primarily led by the halfling Vittio Highstep who, beguiling his Chelish master, escaped slavery and contractually gained the rights to his master’s holdings. Vittio’s coup attracted the attention of Faritsi Varguli, a heretical cleric of Asmodeus, who approached Vittio with his Tenets of the Chain. Sensing a business opportunity, Vittio welcomed Varguli in and set him to work training young “acolyte” slaves.
Beneath them exits a highly structured system of leadership. Advancement through the Unchained is achieved through a strictly designated ritual in which a lesser may challenge the place of his better. The loser is again relegated to slavery.
Goals
Privately, the ambitions of The Unchained are as dichotomous as their leaders. Whereas Vittio seeks to establish dominant control over the business of slave trading throughout all Golarion through skillful business agreements with other slavers and wealthy nobles for whom he has done “favors,” Varguli desires to spread his beliefs, imposing them if necessary, upon all peoples. He preaches that ultimately all are slaves and only Gods are truly free from the limits of mortality. As such, Varguli has convinced Vittio that it is good business to train and send “acolytes” to attempt the test of the Starstone.
Public Perception
Vilified by slaves and all those who espouse freedom, The Unchained are favorably viewed by nobility who employ their services as well as purchasers of their products. Recently, The Unchained has begun attracting the curious who have heard the tales of their training followers for the test of the Starsone.
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Star Voter Season 6
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I love what you have here. The way you weave the coven mechanics into your entry makes your organization very Pathfinder-ish and Golarion-ish.
It borders on the trap we've seen with a few other organizations which are motivated by revenge - if the PC's are not the targets, and if the targets are not particularly likable (witch-burners certainly are not), it is possible for players to be uninterested in the organization, or even sympathetic. That said, I can see the seeds here of larger plots; I would just recommend expanding upon them more.
I dig Ustalav and witches, so overall I found this organization very compelling.
Circle of Ashes:
Strong Points: This group's got a good, strong motivation, a cool concept, and just the right amount of detail. We get a regional tie-in, a link to the Pharasmin faith and some relevant NPCs ready to drop in at the table (two original, one pre-existing). If you handed this organization to a GM and said, "turn this into an awesome story for your group," he'd get lots of necessary details and useful inspiration from the write-up, but would still have room to use his own creativity.
Weak Points: There's not much encounter-level inspiration here. That's strictly optional, but it's nice to have. A nod to specific, weird tactics, to allied magical beasts or to anything else that says "set piece" would have been a bonus. I also feel that the organization's scope is a bit too limited. The attacks on Pharasmins help, but I can still see lots of GMs having trouble getting the PCs concerned about the Circle.
Suggestions for Improvement: You could have made this organization much more flexible by dropping even a hint that their operations are expanding. Perhaps their patron is beginning to sic them on Ustalav's superstitious common-folk as well as its leaders and priests? That would give you some geographical flexibility and a hook to draw in PCs who may not care about the welfare of the Pharasmins (especially if they've been burning witches).
This organization would have had my vote if it had been in the contest. Nice work.
Leavers of the Sky:
Strong Points: I like the idea of dwarves seeking a way back to their subterranean homeland. Putting a group of professional dungeon-designers in the game is a bit meta, but I think it works. It offers possibilities for interesting locations and conflicts as the Leavers pursue the dual goals of completing their contract and seeking paths deeper underground (probably deeper than their employer needs them to delve). A dwarven dungeon-building corporation is one of those concepts that instantly makes its way into my "Steal In Future" folder.
Weak Points: Your writing style is a bit stilted and tortuous. Some of the sentences feel like driving over speed bumps:
One is responsible for the acquisition of recovered dwarven artefacts and lore, another with recruitment and the identification of rising powers arranging the approach for offering the construction of dungeons and lairs, the last dealing with construction, designing and population of new dungeons and lairs, using each as an opportunity to seek the elusive path home.
In terms of content, I didn't really see much antagonism here. It's conceivable that the Leavers could conflict with PCs over a dwarven artifact or some-such, but the GM would have to contrive it. The group's motivation, while interesting, is insufficiently developed. Finally, I dislike the name. "Leaver" is a rather awkward and banal word for dwarves on such a grand quest.
Suggestions for Improvement: You've got an organized, meticulous style that serves you well for template-fu. You may need to throttle it back for your prose style, though. Your paragraphs read like lists, and it's not just because of all the line breaks. I suggest taking more time to rewrite for flow. Use transitions, vary your sentence structure and avoid repetitive word use.
As to content, the group's core lack of antagonism hurt you. You invented ways that the group could come into conflict with PCs, but they felt invented. Try thinking of organizations and characters in terms of the basic dramatic situation: We want X, they want not-X, how do we resolve this conflict? Try to get past a merely sound and logical idea to one that is dramatically compelling, and the rest will fall into place.
This is a pretty big chunk of critique, but you've done so many reviews yourself that I figure you deserve the royal treatment. Feel free to tear into my organization upthread; I've written some pretty harsh reviews this year and I feel a karmic hunger for criticism. :)
After reading over all of my reviews I've realized one thing...I'm not that good at reviews! So please take my critiques with a grain of salt. I'll keep reviewing anything that pops up here though, or discuss any particular point I make in the hopes that I might say something valuable to others, and so that I get better at critiquing my own work.
The visuals and the backstory are great. I can think of several ways in which a group of PCs would stumble upon the organization and either be led to discovering what’s really going on, or stumble upon it accidentally. In a few short paragraphs you have me thinking about months worth of adventure.
I’m not entirely sure I’d call it an “organization” per se. It seems to me more of an NPC/monster/adventure hook than an actually collection of individuals. The “collection of pirates” actually lease the ships as well, which seems more of a business proposition than an actual organization.
That being said, serious hooks for adventure and good clean writing make it a win for me.
I really liked the sense that the knowledge the organization seeks after is alien and “exacts a significant toll on their sanity.” That’s something I’d want to read more about, and I can foresee perhaps the organization filling in as the background for a villainous NPC.
In the end I felt the doomsday cult aspect of it, the “they’ve seen the end and are now ushering it forward” kind of threw me off. It seems overdone. That being said I dig the seekers of lost knowledge, and the idea that this is a group of academics, whereas normally with this sort of thing we see religious zealots.
Mulling it over, I’m leaning towards the latter thought, and this is line that sold me, “However, as patience among the witches wears thin, the circle finds itself ready to take more drastic measures.”
This moves from being a coven of witches, to a coven of witches about to unleash some fury, and who’ll likely attract the attention of a band of Heroes, whether called upon by local authorities, or just through happenstance.
I’m in favor of organizations that do two things: build a picture for what they look like and provide some interesting flavor, and give me a means for injected this group into gameplay, and you’ve done both of these.
To be honest, I’m surprised Golarion doesn’t already have something like this. It seems a fairly commonly used fantasy trope to have the dwarves seeking out fabled lost homelands and returning to them.
What I thought you did well was tying this concept to the world of Golarion itself, and making it believable.
The goals section seemed a bit forced to me. As though there was an obvious attempt to make this organization antagonistic, which I’m not entirely sure that it is. Perhaps more word space would have allowed you to flesh out further beliefs and motivations. Why would the Leavers set up dungeons and have adventurers attempt to make it through them?
Setting them up as Neutral means that I can take the group in any direction I choose, so I can see the potential to set up conflict, although I’m more inclined to see the group as hiring the Heroes to help them.
I’m not so sure I buy into the reality of it. Maybe I’m not schooled enough on the Golarion market for purchasing bodies, or on how many wealthy people die in an undignified manner and want their bodies to be reclaimed, but I just don’t see a lot of people buying a policy. Perhaps the point is that the group is secretly an organization of assassins posing as “Fieldhands” and if so I think more emphasis on that point would have been beneficial.
If I’m being picky, I’d also like to point out that I think you’re way over the 50 word count on Public Perception, just in regards to format.
Other than the sticky point on whether or not its realistic, I though it was really creative, and really enjoyed reading it!
First, congratulations to the Top 32 and a special Huzzah to those that made the Top 16, great work people!
Here is the organization I created in preparation for round 2, any feedback is welcomed and appreciated.
The Opportunists
Alignment: NE
Headquarters: Guild hall beneath the city of Katapesh
Leader: Salma Almid
Structure: Multinational thieves’ guild
Scope: Global
Resources: Highly trained agents, information, and fluctuating wealth
From their guild hall beneath the city of Katapesh, the fingers of the Opportunists stretch across Golarion. Desperate clients seek their services in the Nightstalls braving the bizarre market for the elusive secrets, greedy desires, and hurtful revenge that the Opportunists may provide. Morals never interfere with the artful pursuit of their missions; wealth, information, and prestige are the only measures of success. Theft of the Sun Orchid Elixir is paramount and schemes plotted years in advance unfold each time the elixir emerges from the Alchemist’s Citadel in Thuvia. Travelers with wealth need fear the Opportunists, fortunes have been lost in a single, careless moment to their skilled talents and manipulations.
Structure and Leadership:
No hierarchy exists among the Opportunists, there is simply the job board and the wall of success. Even their currently elected leader, Salma Almid, exists as an equal. In the guild hall Opportunists are treated with luxuries and the former street urchin lives as a king. Throughout Golarion safe houses, agents, and informants contribute to their success during missions and those loyal assistants hope for the chance to join their ranks. New leaders and members are selected by vote at a yearly council. As a rule, no members leave the organization, those that do are targeted for assassination. Feuds among Opportunists often have nefarious resolutions.
Goals:
The endeavors of the Opportunists always contribute to the gain of wealth or information. A contract for assassination or acquisition of a lost tome are no different, the larger the prize the greater the glory. Nobles, clergy, businessmen, adventurers, anyone that acquires great wealth or information becomes a target of the Opportunists. The longest listed and highest valued job on the board is acquiring the secret of the Sun Orchid Elixir. Missions related to the yearly auction of the elixir are highly valued, thefts of the winning bid or the elixir top the wall of success.
Public Perception:
Fear accompanies even whispered words of the Opportunists, but conversely so does hope for those desperate enough to seek their services in the Nightstalls of Katapesh. Rumors tell of the Pactmasters of Katapesh using their services when the need arises.
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The Cataclysm Epiphany
Wow, I love the name of the organization, and Nettlehold, and Twelve Shackles Broken! Evocative. The organization is nicely confined to a specific location and agenda. They have a pretty cosmic endgame, but they aren't some world-spanning whatever that we've somehow never heard of before now with gazillions of GP worth of stuff and hidden string-pullers everywhere. Very tight focus, and I respect that.
Eudego's Salvage
Now this is pretty cool. I'm not sure I'd want to add aetherships to *my* Golarion, but I love the idea of a bunch of thuggish pirates getting into bed with something that turned out to be so much bigger than they were, and losing control of the situation. (Similar to the Riders of the Black Steppes and the Leng connection, from the top 32.)
Still, this is the kind of campaign thing where the players could start out fighting strangely pale and sweaty pirates with strange aberrant abilities whose brains are later discovered in jars somewhere in the hold of the ship, begging for death. From something as prosaic as 'pirates attack!' you end up with an adventure path that's literally headed 'to the moon, Alice! to the moon!'
Gonzo, in a good way.
Circle of Ashes
I like how this organization follows through logically from something already going on in the setting, and helps to tie a new APG class into setting events. The presence of a hag in the group allows the NPC witches to take advantage of the coven hex, in a way that no PC witch would likely ever be able to, and I like that they have taken the coven magic stuff one step further, and developed special techniques to extend their spells through 'circle magic.'
I like the graying up of the situation, where a bunch of people, convinced that they are doing a 'good thing' by burning a bunch of witches, have instead *created* the problem of a bunch of pissed-off (and increasingly evil) witches rising up and striking back.
It's very 'self-fulfilling prophecy,' and will lead to a sort of forever war, as the Pharasmins can now say 'See! See! We were right! They are evil! The obvious solution is to burn more witches!'
And the witches resolve gets firmer (and any non-evil witches crying out for a less arms-racy response get increasingly dismissed as naive) and their responses become ever more evil and over-the-top. Good stuff.
Could a specific Witch patron be fanning the flames? Or is the movement loaded up with an assortment of patrons? Fun possibilities.
Must stop now. Replies getting longer and longer... Unlike Neil Spicer, I am not a machine. :)
Now this is pretty cool. I'm not sure I'd want to add aetherships to *my* Golarion...
This was the reaction that I feared and that caused me to drop this organization as a contender. I had all these caveats in my head -- the idea is that they only have starflight on rare sites with aetheric updraft, thus you get the cool visual of flying ships without loosing practical airships on Golarion -- but that was too tough to explain for too uncertain a result. Ultimately, I decided to focus on other ideas that would be less controversial.
Thanks for the feedback.
Here's the organization I should have submitted:
Headsman Club
Alignment: NE
Headquarters: The Headsman House, Easttown District of Corentyn, Cheliax.
Leader: Talarabis Leroung
Structure: Private Social Club
Scope: regional (Cheliax)
Resources: The Headsman Club has access to the personal fortunes of multiple noble houses, a heavily fortified manor house, unique divination devices, several bands of cavaliers and inquisitors, a cabal of divination focused alchemists, oracles, and wizards. The Headsman Club maintains a well appointed townhouse in the Easttown District of Corentyn, Cheliax. The drawing rooms and conservatories of Headsman House are stocked with the very best liquor, tobacco, and stronger vices. The upper floors contain personal bedroom suites for its members. Beneath its wine cellars is the Braintree, an alchemical and necromantic divining mechanism that runs the undead brains of executed magic-users in series. A cabal of alchemists, necromancers, and oracles maintain the Braintree. The Headsman Club also maintains a staff of itinerant inquisitors and executioners to acquire the severed heads of criminal spellcasters for the Braintree.
Structure and Leadership: Talarabis Leroung is the current president of the Headsman Club. There are two dozen members. They have a large staff of servants, including bodyguards. They also employ inquisitors and other executioners to mete out justice in far off lands, where they can convict and execute criminal magic-users, acquisition their severed heads, and provide them to the Braintree’s alchemist and necromancer keepers. The Headsman Club is divided into separate cells of 2 to 5 members. These cells often specialize in one or two areas of expertise or fields of interest.
Goals: The Headsman Club exists to accommodate the scholarly pursuits of its members. They use the Braintree to answer any queries as they debate philosophy, religion, and the natural sciences. To fund their inquiries, they act as consulting detectives for wealthy petitioners, who are usually referred to a cell that specializes in a field of interest related to the client‘s needs. The Headsman Club funds expeditions to the undiscovered tombs and temples the Braintree has divined for them. They enhance their investments by using newly invented devices, trade secrets, and blackmail revealed by the Braintree.
Public Perception: Commoners know little of the Headsman Trust. They are viewed as wealthy dilettantes that lurk in their fancy townhouse, get drunk, and debate esoteric mysteries. Their inquisitors are feared by hedgewitches, adepts, and acolytes, welcomed as witch hunters by the superstitious, and mistrusted as unscrupulous mercenaries by legitimate local authorities.
Hi all
Thanks for all the kind feedback - yes, my writing style is something I'm working on - normally I'm way to prosaic and flowery and long winded, so admit that I do struggle with short and succint styles.
As for the name "Leavers of the Sky"
If you check the dwarf entry in the Inner Sea guide, the dwarven history of Golarion refers to the migration to the surface world known as the "Quest for Sky" (page 24 of the pdf, second paragraph). So I was attempting a play on that.
To answer the dunegoen testing question, yes I ran out of words, but basically it was because of the inate perfectionism of crafting within the dwarves, to display to prospective clients the beauty and danger of their craft, to identify potential rising powers, to monitor troublesome bands of heroes and check their power and skills in case they need to be dealt with later.
yeah, I'm way too wordy for my own good >.<
I'm noticing some people are actually merging the "Resources" section with the organization intro. I'll copy/paste the relevant section in the template provided (plus some notes in italics):
"Resources: {This entry provides a brief list of significant resources the faction controls, such as property, valuable assets, castles, informants, and so on.} resources end here
introduction starts here {This section is an approximately 100-word introductory paragraph summarizing the organization.}
Structure and Leadership
{This section is an approximately 100-word paragraph on this topic.}"
If you take a look at the Aspis Consortium *.pdf provided as reference, you'll notice the "Resources" section is a short, concise line listing assets.
Then, before the "Structure and Leadership" section, there´s a large introductory block summarizing the organization.
To all who already knew that, just ignore this post. ;)
As for the name "Leavers of the Sky"If you check the dwarf entry in the Inner Sea guide, the dwarven history of Golarion refers to the migration to the surface world known as the "Quest for Sky" (page 24 of the pdf, second paragraph). So I was attempting a play on that.
...
yeah, I'm way too wordy for my own good >.<
Ahh...I didn't pick up on the "Sky" reference. I still think another word like "forsake" or "abandon" or "desert" would have been more of the flavor you were looking for. Although I admit, I suck at crafting names, and I'm not entirely sure how you'd fit that in with "Sky."
I too tend to be long winded, so you're not alone on that front! I found it really challenging to distill all the ideas I had down to a few hundred words, and then after writing each section had to cut and cut and cut to fit it all in. In the end I think my organization reads kind of jumbled together as a result.
But I suppse thats why we're playing along at home...so we can get better and be in the show next year!
Not really looking closely at these yet (though I will when I get a chance), but I had a (very slightly) similar concept to Anthony's "Leavers of the Sky."
My notes -- which were as far as I got on this one -- simply listed "Dwarven genocide makers," but I was basically thinking about a group looking at the next step after the Quest for the Sky.
Still, I have to agree with Phineas. The name definitely needs work. Leavers isn't a word, and if I were to say it out loud, my players would think I was saying "levers" and be confused. One of the biggest things I think about a lot with names (and it's an area I put a LOT of work into) is how my players will react. If I name an NPC George, it breaks the mood at the table. Same thing if I have to stop to explain a name.
Honestly, I'd go for a dwarven name (the dwarven thieves guild in my RL campaign, for instance, is called "Clan Callas"), since that's what they'd call themselves. Though you'd certainly want to give the "common" translation of that name -- maybe something with "roots" in it, since they're rooting around in history and getting back to their roots?
I also probably wouldn't call them a multinational corporation -- honestly, other than the Aspis Consortium, I'd probably avoid that phrase like the plague, since it just doesn't feel very "fantasy" to me.
OK, back to work. Be back later to look more in-depth at all of these.
Okay, I'll play, though I'll ask any players in my MSI game to skip over this spoiler, as I may or may not use it in that game. :)
Alignment: NE
Headquarters: Westcrown, Cheliax
Leader: Gaela Athagar
Structure: secret sect of extremist Pharasma worshippers
Scope: regional (Inner Sea)
Resources: repurposed abandoned Aroden temples, underground shrines and meeting places in old crypts
After the failure of prophecy itself with the death of Aroden, a few worshippers of Pharasma began to believe that the healers of the world were indirectly responsible. In their view, healing mortal wounds and diseases circumvents fate and cheats death, and it took the death of a god, and prophecy itself, to restore the balance. The Voices of Fate seek to prevent a further imbalance to fate by killing those whose lives have been saved through healing magic, and have recently begun to actively eliminate those who would dare to risk another catastrophe by wielding such magic themselves.
Structure and Leadership
As most of Pharasma’s clergy consider the Voices of Fate to be a heretical cult, the Voices are careful, working in small cells with very few members knowing more than one or two of their fellow Voices. Most members live and work in disguise within normal temples of Pharasma, while others, especially those in Cheliax, have repurposed abandoned temples of Aroden for their cause. The Voices’ current leader is Gaela Athagar, a zealous inquisitor from Kaer Maga, whose views even some of the Voices view as extreme. Leadership is for life, however long fate has decreed that to be.
Goals
Since its inception, the Voices of Fate have sought to restore the balance to fate by “undoing” the perversions caused by magical healing. While some members view the healing of minor wounds as acceptable, using Pharasma’s magic to delay death, that what is natural and inevitable, is an abomination. As such, the Voices track down those who have been saved through such magic. Gaela Athagar, the Voices’ new and more extreme leader, advocates that killing a divine spellcaster prevents all future perversions that person will inflict, making such individuals high-value targets for assassination.
Public Perception
Few of the general public knows about the Voices, as mainstream Pharasmin leaders vehemently deny the existence of any organization. The ranks of the faithful, however, see the cult as an abomination, its existence reflecting poorly on those who sincerely concern themselves with Pharasma’s hold over prophecy.
Ohhh, I like forsake, I hadn't thought of that word.
"Sky Forsaken" or something like that sounds much better. Nice ideas there. If I get some time to rework it a bit, I will, but tonight I will be completing the typing up and posting of the last of my review notes on the wondrous items - hah, you thought you were safe - wrong :D
Then I intend to try and get some more organisations done over the next few days - no, you're not safe here either, template fu is getting hungry again.
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Star Voter Season 6
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I've just been reviewing these at random, based on what strikes my fancy at the time.
I like the concept and feel of this organization. The visual is great, and a Braintree is a very colorful villainous resource.
The name seems a bit off. "Club" feels so benign, like a chess club or bridge club. A different name could better capture the sinister feel of your organization.
Apart from that, you've got a great foundation, but I would have liked to see more depth in the goals section. We know who these people are and what they have available, but it's missing a compelling, unifying goal that would put them in opposition to the PCs. Perhaps they have this Braintree and are using it for (insert sinister goal here). That might liven them up and add additional depth.
Great concept!