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I have a thing for books, and one idea I rejected was a book full of creepy stories which, if read at sundown, would apply a template from a classic monster to you until dawn:
1st story: you gain the zombie template
2nd story: You gain the skeletal template
3rd story: you gain a lycanthrope template
4th story: you gain the ghost template
Ultimately rejected as way too complicated and overpowered for the higher-end stories.
Ghost lasher
Great description. You really nailed it out of the park with the first three sentences. I might've cut the fourth, though -- it feels almost like tacked-on Golarion lore, and maybe just a bit TOO much description.
Interesting powers; not sure if I'd use them, but definitely an interesting item. A little SAK, perhaps.
Wolfsnap
Sounds like a very interesting idea, though I suspect the judges might've dismissed it as a monster in a can. I like the idea a lot, though and could definitely see if fitting in with the right campaign. Could also see it being used by an evil bard to inflict such templates on his listeners, somehow...
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Just a visual description of the effect, like "when donned, the head severs from the neck". It wasn't clear until halfway through what was physically happening on your item.
And also, very importantly, a physical description of the item. "This shiny silver helmet..." is enough, but right now the only reason you know it's a helmet is because it's named such.
From the text: "The wearer of this adamantine helmet...". Also, "Additionally, the wearer can remove his head as a swift action so long as the head remains secured inside the helmet. Generally, the wearer can simply drop his head without fear of being dislodged from the helm."
Maybe a key flaw is that my writing isn't exciting enough for someone to read the whole entry through. That's a pretty scary thought, but maybe one I can learn from.
Maybe a key flaw is that my writing isn't exciting enough for someone to read the whole entry through. That's a pretty scary thought, but maybe one I can learn from.
The words worked fine for me, but the paragraph structure could perhaps use some editing. Like Ronars, I remember re-reading the whole thing several times before I understood what it did. In particular, the key ability ("the wearer can remove his head as a swift action so long as the head remains secured inside the helmet") should probably be in a power position at the beginning of a paragraph rather than in the middle somewhere.
I made a similar mistake with the item I put in this thread. It's easy to do and hard to catch.
Here is one item I really liked and almost submitted:
Kilt of the Centaur Form
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot -; Price 17,800 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This black skirt presents green and silver linear square designs and an embroidered copper horse. Its wearer can use it to polymorph himself into a centaur and obtain some of the benefits of a mounted character.
Twice per day the wearer of this kilt can, as part of a charge or run action, activate it to assume the form of a centaur version of himself. The kilt melds with his legs, and his armor accommodates to match his new form (the lower parts becoming a barding for the duration of the effect).
The wearer gains all centaur abilities as if using monstrous physique II, but retains his normal vision. In addition, he treats lances and similar weapons as if he were mounted. If he has the Mounted Combat feat, he gains a +2 dodge bonus to his AC and, if he has access to them, he can use the following feats and cavalier abilities as if he were mounted: Ride by Attack, Spirited Charge, Trample (using his own hoof for the free attack), Cavalier’s Charge, Mighty Charge and Supreme Charge.
The polymorph effect takes place at the end of his movement and before making an attack, and lasts for up to 7 minutes.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, monstrous physique II; Cost 8,900 gp
Ghost Lasher
I think motteditor hit the nail right on the head here. Good flavor until the one flow-breaking sentance of add-on golarion lore. Good flavor, but too many abilities for one item. Also, It feels like this should be a different slot than 'head'. Because that's normally reserved for hats and crowns and helmets and the like. And this is a tongue. Frankly, it feels like it should be slotless.
@Wolfsnap
A cool creepy idea. But with so many different potential templates, it'd be hard to balance it all within a 300 word item, and a single price-point. Unless, of course, you made this into a new series of items like a figurines of wondrous power deal. That would frankly be amazing.
Kilt of Centaur Form
I think this could be cool, but as-written sounds a lot like the a SIAC. I know it's not exactly, but other than making you temporarily mounted... not much different than a SIAC. I dunno, doesn't wow me.
Kilt of Centaur Form
I think this could be cool, but as-written sounds a lot like the a SIAC. I know it's not exactly, but other than making you temporarily mounted... not much different than a SIAC. I dunno, doesn't wow me.
I was thinking more "monster in a can," but in a good way. I don't know why it doesn't wow you. I was thinking there was too much "wow." It turns the wearer into a centaur, gives them an AC bonus if they have one feat, and gives six more feats for the duration, for less than 20k. The deal breaker for me is that activating the kilt is a non-action. It takes place as part of a charge. What's weird is that the transformation takes place after the move, not during, which would seem to be the thing to do as far as the 'rule of cool' goes.
It turns the wearer into a centaur, gives them an AC bonus if they have one feat, and gives six more feats for the duration, for less than 20k. The deal breaker for me is that activating the kilt is a non-action.
I could be mistaken but I believe you misread the original description- the item doesn't (as I read it) grant any feats at all, it just allows a special use of the listed feats if you already have them. If your reading is correct then the dealbreaker(s) should probably be a) that the item grants feats (which is specifically warned against in the advice forum), and b) that 20k seems way too low to get 6 feats, even temporarily.
I'm glad this thread topic is a tradition - I think it's great to see others' almost-ran items. I hope to comment on the items already posted when I have the time to properly compose my thoughts, but for now, some quick cutting and pasting. This is my first year participating, and I only had 3 ideas I bothered putting down on paper - one I submitted, one is too close to my submitted item thematically for me to be comfortable posting it here until Round 1 is over, and the third is:
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 11th
Slot shoulders; Price 5,000 gp
Description
Magical cloaks of this variety most often appear as large fur cloaks sporting a full wolf's head draped over each shoulder, though some variations exist in regards to specific animal types. The heads seem to breathe, sniff, and twitch as if asleep; in combat, however, they awaken, snapping and tearing at opponents to grant improved capabilities at tripping and grappling. Once per round the wearer may activate one of the following two features as a free action:
After making a successful melee attack against an opponent adjacent to him the wearer may choose to have the heads attack this opponent as well. The heads strike with a +8 to hit and deal 2d6+2 piercing damage on a successful strike; this attack counts as magical for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction. If the heads successfully deal damage to the opponent, the heads then make a free trip attempt against the foe at a +8 combat maneuver bonus. This attempt does not provoke attacks of opportunity, and if unsuccessful the wearer does not risk being knocked prone.
When involved in a grapple, on his turn the wearer may choose to have the heads attack his opponent in addition to any grapple action he may take. The heads strike as above; if the heads successfully deal damage to the opponent, the wearer gains a +4 bonus on any grapple action he makes against that opponent in that round.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects; Cost 10,000 gp
Nifty to see AdAstraGames and I had similar ideas, but then great minds think alike - and so do mine and AAG's! ;) I realize the name is singular when there are in fact TWO wolves' heads, but I decided against using this one so didn't bother figuring out an alternate title (like the Wolves' Heads Cloak, I suppose, but that lacks any ring to it). While I thought this had some good flavor going on, I decided against entering it because it basically just gives you an extra attack and either Improved Trip or Improved Grapple once a round. I priced it as I did because at +8 hit/CMB the item is really only useful at lower levels; wasn't sure if it should be even cheaper than this? Thoughts and scathing criticisms welcomed!
EDIT for my poor, poor spelling :(
I had a few items I was kicking around but didn’t submit. All of them each had their own issues to speak of. The Bone Flute uses challenging mechanics. The Totem might be seen as a joke item when in fact it’s a nasty curse, the Ointment I was on the fence about, and the sly Devils tongue was just plain cool but the affects are cryptic and tough to explain in few words without some serious definition. So each item is as it was when I resigned myself to stop putting energy into them.
The Bone Flute of Lost Notes
Aura: Enchantment Aura Magic; CL 8th
Slot None; Price 8,500 gp; Weight ½ pound
This flute is created using exclusively a leg or arm bone of a deceased bard. The bone is then cut at both ends and silver reeds added to it along with silver fixtures for the mouth and the opposite opening. The Bone flute is then ready for the final enchantments to be cast upon it to allow it to speak to the dead as well as the living using the language of music. It requires a Perform of 6 ranks or higher to use the Bone Flute and once played will issue forth notes which are unheard by any intelligent being over 4. Those creatures, vermin or undead with an intelligence rating of 3 or less are allowed a DC 6 perception check to hear the music, adding 1 difficulty point for every 5 feet from the performer. Those that hear it must make a Will Save to resist the Fascinating Effects of the Music (DC12+Perform Ranks of the Performer). The Fascinated creatures will gather around and even follow the player (if the player wishes them too) ignoring others as the player plays on. Harming the Player will anger those affected and will result in them attacking those that harm the player during their song. If the player stops playing willfully, the fascinated affects of the music will linger for a round per Perform rank. Allowing time for the performer to flee the area without the fascinated listeners to even notice they had left.
Strong Enchantment Magic; CL 8th; Craft Wondrous Item, Speak with undead, Speak With Animals, Fascinate; Price 6,500 gp.
Totem of the Wicked Monkey:
Aura Moderate Transmutation magic; CL 12th
Slot -; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs
Description:
This small little totem is about 1 foot tall and is in the shape of a sitting monkey. Once the owner targets an opponent, requiring line of sight, and speaks the proper command word the monkey will animate and run towards the victim moving at 120 feet per round until it get to its target. The target will get a Will save, DC 18, to resist the monkey; passing the Will save will force the monkey to return to its owner, failing the save will allow the monkey to climb up the victim coming to rest on the nape of the neck and issuing onto them the Monkey’s Curse.
The Monkey’s Curse changes the alignment of the victim towards its opposing Evil or Good/Chaotic or Lawful oppositions. Lawful Good become Chaotic Evil while a Lawful Neutral would become Chaotic Neutral so on etc with the exception of True Neutrals which are immune to the Monkey’s Curse.
The monkey will continue to sit on top of the nape of the affected opponent until a break enchantment, limited wish, Miracle, remove curse (against CL12), or wish spell is used. The monkey is visible to all others but ignored completely by those affected by it. Others trying to remove the monkey will find that it is not tangible but illusionary in nature. Once the Monkey’s Curse is broken the monkey will vanish and return to the Totem. The owner of the Totem will always be viewed by someone suffering from the Monkey’s Curse as friendly to them as if under the affects of a Charm person spell.
Requirements: Moderate Transmutation; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, Animated object, Bestow Greater Curse; Price 15,000 gp.
Ointment of Glittering Admiration:
Aura: Enchantment Aura Magic; CL 4th
Slot --; Price 6,000 gp; Weight 1 pound
This Ointment takes a full turn to apply to the body and will create a strange glittering affect to onlookers as well as removing all blemishes, scars, and smoothing over all age lines. This will effectively increase the wearers Charisma score by 3 for up to 5 hours for each use. A full jar of this Ointment contains 8 uses for a small sized creature, 5 for a medium sized creature, or 3 for a large sized creature. Additionally, charm spells cast by those who have applied the Ointment are treated as being cast by someone 3 levels higher than their current caster level. If the wearer is exposed fully to conditions that would remove the ointment such as water, extreme heat, or a dispel magic then the affects of the Ointment will wash off, disperse, or fade.
Requirements: Moderate Enchantment Magic; CL 8th; Craft Wondrous Item, Charm Persons, Glibness; Cost 3,000 gp
Sly Devils Tongue:
Aura: Necromantic Aura Magic; CL 6th
Slot month; Price 6,000 gp; Weight - pound
This is a humanoid’s severed tongue which is somehow perfectly preserved and appears functional; however the only way to use the tongue is to place the nub of it onto the nub of another humanoids lost tongue. Once attempting to apply the true magic locked in this tongue becomes apparent. First the user must make a fortitude check DC14 or the tongue will be rejected by the body and will fall off and no further attempts can be made to apply it. If successful the tongue will graft itself to the new owner. Once the tongue grafts to its host, the owner will regain their ability to speak very fluently in their known languages even to the point of granting them a +5 circumstantial bonus to any Bluff checks they make. This bonus doesn't apply to other uses of the Bluff skill, such as feinting in combat, creating a diversion to hide, or communicating a hidden message via innuendo. In addition to this the owner can now communicate with the dead through verbal conversation. They can carry on a conversation of up to 2 questions per dead body they speak with within a 24 hour period. This functions as a Speak with Dead spell in regards to how the dead will react to the speaker.
Requirements: Moderate Necromantic Magic; CL 8th; Craft Wondrous Item, Speak With Dead, Gentle Repose, Glibness; Cost 3,000 gp
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Kilt of the Centaur Form
Slot -; Price 17,800 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Nitpicking: this should use the Belt slot.
Twice per day the wearer of this kilt can, as part of a charge or run action, activate it to assume the form of a centaur [...]
The polymorph effect takes place at the end of his movement and before making an attack,
The second sentence has no meaning if I Run instead of Charge. You can safely skip "before making an attack".
and lasts for up to 7 minutes.
Can I dismiss the effect, then?
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka WalterGM
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Nitpicking: this should use the Belt slot.Kilt of the Centaur Form
Slot -; Price 17,800 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Unless it's a slotless attachment to an armor piece, like your standard armored kilt.
The Bone Flute of Lost Notes
I think you can tighten up your writing a bit (but you may have stopped before you got to that), but I like the basic idea, an instrument that lets you use bardic abilities on undead. I'm not sure I would have included vermin in it. I'm not sure it would have had enough mojo to be a Superstar, but I definitely think it could have been one of those called out for a magic item compendium type book with some tightening...
Totem of the Wicked Monkey
I think your "monkey on the back" concept might've been a little too on the nose. I can see why you were worried about it being dismissed as a joke, though I also think it's a neat visual.
The Bone Flute of Lost Notes
I think you can tighten up your writing a bit (but you may have stopped before you got to that), but I like the basic idea, an instrument that lets you use bardic abilities on undead. I'm not sure I would have included vermin in it. I'm not sure it would have had enough mojo to be a Superstar, but I definitely think it could have been one of those called out for a magic item compendium type book with some tightening...Totem of the Wicked Monkey
I think your "monkey on the back" concept might've been a little too on the nose. I can see why you were worried about it being dismissed as a joke, though I also think it's a neat visual.
Thanks for the feedback... The Bone Flutes original intent was undead (vermin or no- intelligent undead) however my buddy pointed out that a vibration that only the weak minded dead (vermin or otherwise) would still be picked up by living animals of the same type therefore I should allow it to affect those as well. So I wrote it into the write up as at the time it made sense. I believe now it is more of an un-natural sound and therefore not precieved by any living creature, thus lost notes.
Originally the Monkey wasn't apart of this item, it was a Totem of the Maddness however a buddy indicated it would offer no way for "friendly folk" to know the man was cursed. The visual Monkey offers an indication something is very wrong with John and it also prevents the owner of the Totem from using it again until John is released meaning now it is a 1 shot at a time thing where before it was more powerful being re-usable until "charges" or some sort were expelled.
@Centaur kilt - actually, I think I figured out why I didn't like this. By the time the wearer buys this, they're already going to have a mount. Probably one that they can have change sizes to fit in dungeons, even.
Wolf's head cloak
Of course the cloak looks different if it's a different animal. But then, it would be a lion's head cloak or somesuch. You can drop that line entirely, up to there it was good. Y'know, except that a wolf's head is as large as a persons, and it would effectively be putting on blinders. But, it's a magic item, so I let that pass. And then, you get vague, with rules. You never specify that there are two heads, or two attacks for that matter. You say "one on each shoulder" and "the heads attack", but never two. What if I made this for a centipede? Also, tripping from shoulder-biting doesn't make thematic sense. Wolves trip because they pull your legs out from under you, not just because they have unbalancing teeth or something.
Bone Flute of Lost Notes
I'll show you my bone flute, if you know what I mean. I think "Flute of Lost Notes" is more than descriptive enough. You also include a story on how the item is constructed - in effect including weird construction requirements and backstory. Scrap all of that. Then, you say "...any intelligent creature over 4" Which implies 4 years old. You should have said "...any creature with an Intelligence of 4 or higher". And then you get into the bulk of the effect, which is super-too powerful. Able to control all animal-intelligence or mindless creatures is too strong. And you've got a lot of spelling and formatting errors, too. Watch capitilization, especially.
Ointment of Glittering Admiration
No other ointment or potion or the like requires different doses for different sizes. Best to scrap that. And, of course if you expose the ointment to something that would remove the ointment it'll be removed. If you remove those lines, it's not a very exciting item. +3 Cha for 5 hours eight times.
Sly Devil's Tongue
Until the very last sentance, I was underwhelmed by the item. Fort save to use? Blech. +5 to bluff? boring! Then, I get to the speaking with dead. And that was cool. But, it was so buried by weird and less chool mechanics. Try to find one cool effect and focus on that.
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Booby-trapped Ioun Pouch
Aura faint abjuration; CL 5th
Slot –; Price 500 gp; Weight –
Description
This small velvet pouch bears a faintly discernable glyph that protects it from unauthorized access. The pouch is capable of holding a single ioun stone, which can be inserted or removed as a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity. Any creature attempting to open the pouch without first speaking the “disable” password is blasted for 2d8 points of electricity damage (DC 14 Reflex save for half). The warding automatically reactivates five minutes after discharge or immediately upon speaking the “enable” password with the pouch closed. The pouch is lined on the inside with a fine lattice of precious metal wire (similar to that found within a wayfinder) which channels the natural energy of the ioun stone, extending its benefits to the owner as long as the pouch is held or kept close to the body. Unlike a wayfinder, however, a booby-trapped ioun pouch does not amplify the power of the ioun stone, nor does it provide any new abilities from the stone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, glyph of warding; Cost 250 gp
I could be mistaken but I believe you misread the original description- the item doesn't (as I read it) grant any feats at all, it just allows a special use of the listed feats if you already have them. If your reading is correct then the dealbreaker(s) should probably be a) that the item grants feats (which is specifically warned against in the advice forum), and b) that 20k seems way too low to get 6 feats, even temporarily.It turns the wearer into a centaur, gives them an AC bonus if they have one feat, and gives six more feats for the duration, for less than 20k. The deal breaker for me is that activating the kilt is a non-action.
You're correct, it seems to indicate that you can utilize those feats if your character already has them. Seems like he could have cut word count and gained clarity by simply stating: "While in centaur form, the wearer can utilize any mounted combat feat as if they were mounted," or something to that effect. It would expand the item's power a bit, but not to an overpowering level.
Additionally, the wearer can remove his head as a swift action
this is perhaps my favorite string of words i've read in the last month or so.
Wolf's head cloak
Of course the cloak looks different if it's a different animal. But then, it would be a lion's head cloak or somesuch. You can drop that line entirely, up to there it was good. Y'know, except that a wolf's head is as large as a persons, and it would effectively be putting on blinders. But, it's a magic item, so I let that pass. And then, you get vague, with rules. You never specify that there are two heads, or two attacks for that matter. You say "one on each shoulder" and "the heads attack", but never two. What if I made this for a centipede? Also, tripping from shoulder-biting doesn't make thematic sense. Wolves trip because they pull your legs out from under you, not just because they have unbalancing teeth or something.
Thanks for the critique! For all my items I was worried about pointing out that variations exist, perhaps an over-reaction to the "NO BACKSTORY" and related threads. I had briefly considered naming it a Beast's Head Cloak, but that didn't sound nearly as good to me. In my head I pictured the heads draped forward over the shoulders, dangling somewhere on the wearer's chest/midsection and having neck length to snap at and harass opponents - obviously my description did a poor job of conveying that:( The idea is that the heads attack in unison, using only one attack/damage/cmb check per round. The trip attempt is a bit of a stretch, but with the cloak I saw it more as the heads viciously shaking and throwing an opponent to the ground, which I could (should) have included in the description of that function to make it clear. I would like to say I would have made more explicit descriptions for these issues in prep for submission, but in all honesty I probably would have continued to overlook them, so again, thank you for the feedback!
booby-trapped ioun pouch
Immediately, the name alone sets off alarm bells for me. It's not a very exciting name, and makes me worried if this is a cursed item trying to masquerade as a wondrous item. And when I read it, it's basically a way to trap an ioun stone. But, it leaves me with a lot of questions - since it can be reactivated, you're saying this, in the right conditions, could do 2d8 damage every other turn for only 500gp? Wow. Also, is there any penalty for someone just stealing the whole pouch? I mean, for something designed for protecting magical jewelery, there's nothing there to stop you from just stealing the container - it's just as small and portable as the ioun stone itself.
Here are my thoughts on the first seven items posted. I haven't included any formatting/template problems assuming that these would have been fixed in final rewrite for submission. Also, I apologize if I repeat what others have pointed out - I read through all the reviews a few days ago, but don't have the time to refresh myself on them. I realize that none of these items were actually submitted, but give my thoughts on what aspects I think would need to be changed to be used in a book of magic items type scenario, if not the contest itself.
That's all I've got time for at the moment, but as soon as I have a chance I'll post some more critiques.
Hairpins of Mind-Melding
Phew, complex is right! Lots of little nitpicks, too. Hearing, sight and smell aren't all senses. You missed taste and touch. Sharing senses as if by the spell of the same name is awkwardly worded, because of the noun between the "share senses" and "as the spell". I'd italicize the spell and remove the "as a spell by the same name" entirely. Your concentration check needed is weird. Spells don't have default DCs, conditions do. They often use spell levels... Also, you say what the concentration is, then you later give a bonus to it.
Not a bad item, but it needs a lot of polish.
Thanks so much for the feedback. :)
Thanks, goodwicki. High-level spells were definitely a concern of mine; if I'd gone on, I might've limited the double to sixth-level spells or higher (which still could've been powerful, but I don't think as much so as a wish, for example -- I picked the level based on the greater shadow conjuration spell).
I like the idea of a endless duration mirror image (until hit/combined). I think I thought about that very briefly but then just discarded the idea.
And since you looked at mine...
Wolf's Head Cloak
I really like the visual here. It's very "Song of Fire and Ice" (which, granted, I hated, but the visuals worked). I could totally see there being a series of these with different abilities based on the head. Like Ronars, I'm not sure the given effect is my favorite (though your later explanation for the tripping does make more sense).
They definitely inspire me to want to come up with some cool ideas; I see a home campaign perhaps involving tribes of warring barbarians where the chiefs wear these and get different powers based on the type of animal.
Thanks for all the feedback guys. It may not have been what I actually submitted, but there was a big trap I didn't even realize I was falling into - augury. What an innocent looking spell. ;)
Sigh, I left my Round 1 write up on my work pc, I'm such a doofus >.<
So, Being the abject uncontrollable writer, here's an item for you to enjoy purely for the fun, 1st draft but with formatting attempted.
Item idea: 21:45pm
Completed First Draft: 22:04
Total Time: 19 minutes :P
Word Count: Word 2010 says "182".
Starting with the name as would be entered in the name bit of the submission form :P
Galloping Winged Parchment
Now the other bit of the submission form, including all formatting (per 5th printing :P)
Galloping Winged Parchment
Aura faint conjuration (summoning); CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 300 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
A sheaf (20 sheets) of pre scored parchement with origami fold markings indicating the folds necessary to turn the parchment into a miniatire horse or crane.
Write a missive upon the parchment and think horse or crane and fold. Spirits of the origami masters will guide you to the correct folds to create horse or crane. Folding takes 1 round.
Holding the crane upon your open hand, or placing horse upon the floor, simply state the person to receive the message.
The miniature will animate and fly or gallop to the recipient as appropriate.
If the missive is a love letter, the miniature becomes an amalgam of horse and crane, both galloping and flying as needed, resembling no less than a miniature pegasus.
These miniatures have a range of only 120 feet, travelling at speed 3. They automatically fail all saves, have 1 hit point and an AC of 10.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, summon minor ally, Craft (Origami); Cost 150 gp
Coming back to my item after a well earned cuppa, I'm now going to tear myself apart with possible auto reject reasons for my origami offering...
Tenuous Reason: 6. Your item is a variant of an existing item.
Figurine of ... say no more.
Tenuous Reason: 10. Your wondrous item isn't spell-checked or proofread.
Hey, it was conceived and written up in 19 minutes! And thats what first drafts are for :D
Fairly Confident: 12. Your wondrous item is a joke.
Well, it is really :)
Definitely: 17. Your item is modern technology presented as magic.
Ever written a letter - or texted someone on the other room :D I bet you have!
Assuredly: 18. Your item means it's impossible for the bearer to become lost.
Meta gamers would write to "the tree on the right path out of here", etc.
Possibly: 20. Item Makes GMing Harder.
How do you tell the real origamis from the notes being passed round the table :P
Possibly: 25. Item is a child's toy.
I would play with them - wouldnt you? :)
Assuredly: 26. Item encourages metagaming.
See 18 - it's more than encourage knowing my players - grin.
This was my item last year. I liked the idea, but actually making it work in game terms was a bear. I'm sure it failed for (among other things) making the GM work harder.
There may be some formatting errors because I found this text in an old email and am not sure if it was the final version, but close enough for jazz.
Aura moderate transmutation;CL 10th Slot neck; Price16,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This scarf may become prehensile for one round up to 10 times per day. While active the Sudarium of Grasping may manipulate objects, wield weapons or otherwise behave as an additional limb. As part of a full attack the limb grants the user one additional standard action every round it is used. This effect is not cumulative with similar effects, such as that provided by a speed weapon or the haste spell.
In place of a standard action the item may be used to draw or
sheathe a weapon, manipulate an object, or ready/drop a shield. The Sudarium may not perform actions that require two hands (such as wielding a two-handed weapon or loading a crossbow). The item may be used to attack as a club +1 or may be employed to wield a weapon. Any non-magical weapon wielded by the Sudarium acts as a +1 weapon. If used during the same round that an attack is made by the user's actual limbs the Sudarium incurs no penalties for two-hand fighting, but if the user is fighting with two weapons in addition to the Sudarium normal penalties apply to attacks made by the user's natural limbs.
For purposes of lifting or combat bonuses the Sudarium employs the user's strength and dexterity scores.
The Sudarium cannot be used to cast spells.
Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects; Cost 8,000 gp
It's not too bad, and I think some line breaks got messed up by your cut and paste. So whilst the format fu is with me...
Need a space between the Aura entry semi colon and the start of CL
Slot would begin the next line, space after Price
At the bottom, Requirements should start the last line, animate objects should be italicized, Cost should be bold.
Thats the immediate leap outs, but I suspect there may be some cut and paste issues causing a few of them.
As for the item, as its a scarf, and a neck slot, I wouldnt want it to draw a heavy weapon whilst clinging onto my neck - it might strangle me!
It might have needed some hit points and AC whilst actively prehensile because it may get targetted by the bad guys.
It's a pretty neat idea though - well done.
Oh, seriously. I hate/love this.
I had a list of 10 ideas, all of which I've been adding to, altering and discarding for 2 years. Now, I want to write up an item here (having gained enough in self-esteem that I believe I'm no longer scared of the attention). And whenever I try, I think. Ok, let's try and make this look decent. And then I twist the item for the next hour... until it's no longer a boring, spell in a can-tending and half-formed idea-like item, but something I'm actually hard-pressed to let go of.
My main alternate to my submitted item is starting to feel better than the one I submitted, and now I just had another one do the same. Oh, well, eventually I'll hit one that doesn't get awesome with enough treatment.
You can fix one up each month. I will start the Blazing thread after this year's contest is over. :)
The blazing thread was an excellent exercise, and really helps keep you in practice.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to trying that this coming year.
Sacrament of the Final Breath
Aura faint necromancy; CL 7th
Slot —; Price ZZ gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This worn tome is a collection of rituals and prayers used to prepare a body and soul for death. The reader may hasten the spirit of a creature near the end of its existence safely into the afterlife by performing the ministrations therein.
Performing the rites is a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity. Upon completion, one adjacent creature that has -1 or fewer hit points must succeed at a DC 16 Will save or begin dying. The target automatically fails its Constitution check and cannot otherwise be made stable, although healing still restores the creature’s hit points as normal. This effect persists until the creature’s hit points are no longer negative or the creature dies.
Creatures that die while under the effect of the sacrament of the final breath cannot become undead.
The effect is considered a death effect for purposes of spells such as breath of life, death ward, or raise dead.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bleed, rest eternal; Cost ZZ gp
Astrolabe of Great Deeds:
My main dislike of this item is that it requires a Profession check to use. I generally feel that an adventurer's profession is, well, adventuring, and the likelihood of a player taking ranks in any specific Profession is next to none. Unlikely to be carried around, and a bit of a pain for the GM to specify a specific day to undertake a task unless they're planning on railroading the players anyway.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree with you--both the size and the profession check make this item less accessible to PCs and move the item closer to being a plot device.
Sacrament of the Final Breath
Interesting thought. It feels like something I could see adding color to a campaign world and being created in a place where you might have to worry about being turned into undead.
However, I'm not sure I see PCs using it in an adventure -- I'd be peeved if someone used this on my character and I'd rather stab an enemy to hasted their dying than use this.
Here are my thoughts on the next bunch of items.
As for the item leaning too far towards being a magic weapon, I'd be more worried about it leaning too far towards being a rod (as nebulous a magic item category as that is). The increased duration based on alignment is nifty, but probably unnecessary - in my experience most combats don't last much longer than 10 rounds. Might have been better to penalize evil/lawful creatures with reduced 5 round duration and lawful evil creatures being unable to activate it. Overall very neat though, especially for a plamar heavy campaign.
As a side note, in the write-up I would have put the super-cool "writhing garment of living cobras" function first then finished up with the save bonuses and the weakness to charm (which I like immensely); however, I don't know that you spent all that much time editing this thing since you're unfortunately not eligible for the contest - well, as unfortunate as being employed as a full time rpg designer (as many of us wish we could be) can be :) All in all very cool visuals, great thematic abilities, and an awesome defensive item that's both stylish and effective.
...and it is too late (early?) for me to even consider beginning the task of evaluating the rather particular helmet of headlessness.
Sacrament of Final Breath
I love the flavor of this item. It's got a touch of creepy, a touch of cool, and a whole lot of good writing. On the flip side, however, I am not so much a fan of the effect. Not that it's not good either, I love that it's a permanent bleed deal, but... I cannot see my players ever wanting to use this in-game. A few villians, maybe, but not the players. That is the key, key problem with this item. As cool as it is, it would be sold off as treasure, because most players in most games wouldn't consider using it, when the same (standard) action can already coup-de-gras the same stable target and finish them off in one round.
What the hell. I was really torn between this and the entry I submitted.
Mask of the Stalking Hunter
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot head; Price 30,000gp; Weight 3lbs.
Description
Prized by any warrior who seeks to emulate the prowess of the great hunting cats, this finely wrought mask is made of wood, ivory or molded leather, and is beautifully carved and painted in the stylized appearance of a large predatory feline. The depicted predator is usually a tiger, but masks in the likenesses of lions, panthers, and other great cats are known to exist. A tie of soft leather holds it to the wearer’s head. The mask covers most of the wearer’s face except for the mouth and chin, with the upper fangs of the mask’s snarling visage framing the wearer’s own mouth.
While worn, the mask grants its wearer a +2 competence bonus bonus to perception and survival checks. The wearer also gains Low-Light vision, if they don’t have it, and the Scent ability. If the wearer already possessed Low-Light vision, the distance they can see unaided in dim light doubles. Additionally, whenever the wearer uses a charge or partial charge action to attack a flatfooted opponent, they gain the benefit of the Pounce ability.
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, beast shape II; Cost 15,000gp
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RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Mask of the Stalking Hunter
The first full paragraph violates the backstory rules. I realize it's actually all visual descrip[tion, but it uses word count and offers a level of description published items generally don't.
As for the mechanical function of the item, you have some redundant language, and it isn't that imaginitive. Everyone wants pounce, and giving someone animal traits doesn't offer new mechanics. Judges have advised before that the best wondrous items use rules to do something that a PC currently can't do.
Instead of saying "if they don't have low-light vision already", just say the mask gives the wearer lowlight vision. I wouldn't bother with extending the range of the vision, that's just kind of messy. They get low-light or they don't. The bonus should maybe be racial because of the kinds of changes, making sure that an animal (or druid wearing an animal form) wearing the mask doesn't always double up on bonuses for being an animal. And some might question the pricing - pounce is pretty bad-ass and frequent use of it might merit a higher price. Finally, a mask that weighs three pounds? Try to conform items to the presentation of other items.
FOr me, the mask definitely falls under neat, but not superstar. Using beast shape to work the rules in a way other than simply "give him pounce and lowlight vision" is the path to improvement.
Mask of the Stalking Hunter
Two big problems here, but it is a generally good item. Firstly, you need to cut your description down by half; This is only two of your four sentences: "this finely wrought mask is made of wood, ivory or molded leather, and is beautifully carved and painted in the stylized appearance of a large predatory feline. The mask covers most of the wearer’s face except for the mouth and chin, with the upper fangs of the mask’s snarling visage framing the wearer’s own mouth." and IMO is a better description of your item than as provided.
Then, you left the coolest ability for last. Pounce is a very cool ability, and if your item is going to give it, it should be first. Or at least mentioned in the first sentence of the description of the abilities this mask grants; "While worn, the mask grants the hunting abilities of predatory cats, including their ability to pounce on their unwary prey..." Something like that. As-written, you bury pounce behind two minor skill bonuses and low-light vision.
"Prized by any warrior" this item can be worn by all classes yet this part of the description verbally limits the selection.
cats are known for stealth not their smelling
Mask of the Stalking Hunter
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7
Slot head; Price 30,000gp; Weight 3lbs.
Description
A finely wrought mask made of molded leather, and stylized to appear as that of a large predatory feline. While worn the mask grants the wearer the prowess of a great hunting cat by allowing the wearer to pounce, whenever the wearer uses a charge or partial charge action to attack a flatfooted opponent. The mask also gives +1 dex, +2 competence bonus to perception(hearing) and survival checks, Low-Light vision (90'), and fast stealth
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, alter self, Cat's Grace ; Cost 15,000gp
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RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Mask of the Stalking Hunter
Also, I think some room for growth here. First, alter self doesn't contribute to the item, so it shouldn't be a requirement. Second, we don't capitalize the names of spells in requirements, or most of the rest of the time. ALso, items don't give an untyped bonus to ability scores and don't give simple +1 bonuses. If it did, the price would have to go up, because adding pounce to an ability score bonus would make it pretty beast.
Low-light vision doesn't have a range. It merely means a creature sees twice as well in dim light as a human. In rare cases, a creture described with low-light vision sees even better, which is always noted in the creature description. No need to define low-light vision or pounce in any basic rules presentation, as with a magic item.
Great cats have fantastic hearing and eyesight, so I would improve the item AND cut down word use by simply allowing the bonus to be on all Perception checks.
I dunno what fast stealth is. Is it a spell effect? Then it should be stated "gains the benefits of fast stealth. If it's an extraordinary ability animals have, it shouldn't e capitalized and presented as "gains the fast stealth extraordinary ability."
One major thing this rewrite gets though is hacking away at all that descriptive text. That first paragraph, in my mind, would be an auto-reject.
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RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Additionally, the wearer can remove his head as a swift actionthis is perhaps my favorite string of words i've read in the last month or so.
Thanks! I was really attracted to this mojo idea, I thought it would be cool to be immune to death from hp loss (but for the simple way around it), and I thought it just seemed cinematic. But then, dispel magic, Improved Sunder....the great benefit was balanced by the finality of the item's weaknesses, and that altogether made pricing a tough sell to me. I went with something easier but cinematic. And mayb I shouldn't have. If nothing else, maybe Clark and Sean would have been able to explain how they'd have fixed the item in the "gracious advice for losers" thread.
But hey, I am less confident about this year's entry than in all my previous entries that haven't made it. Maybe that's the key! : b
...
But hey, I am less confident about this year's entry than in all my previous entries that haven't made it. Maybe that's the key! : b
If it is I might be in. I dinnae feel I wasted the judges time, but I know enough about the contest to know my item is not Top 32. 'Tis a solid item, but I lacked the inspiration necessary for real SS mojo.
However there was no way I was NOT going to submit. Afterall, it is RPGFreakinSS! :)
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RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
If it is I might be in. I dinnae feel I wasted the judges time, but I know enough about the contest to know my item is not Top 32. 'Tis a solid item, but I lacked the inspiration necessary for real SS mojo.
However there was no way I was NOT going to submit. Afterall, it is RPGFreakinSS! :)
Totally agree with you. I meant before that I think the item I did submit is fun, does something nothing else lets you do, etc. But then I also felt that of each of my previous items, and have always felt my submission were on par with finalists. Having never made the top 32, you start second guessing a lot of things, and wondering what you're not seeing. So, this year submission sings to me less than the prescience pillow or.......those sandals that let you stand upside down on the surface of deep water....but then maybe that means it'll sing more to the judges and I'll finally get a chance to strut in round two.
Totally, we should be entering anyway. Clark will eat our souls if we don't.
However there was no way I was NOT going to submit. Afterall, it is RPGFreakinSS! :)Totally, we should be entering anyway. Clark will eat our souls if we don't.
lol :)
Also, I think some room for growth here.
Not my item was just doing some quick trimming and editing to show how much fuff and to make more cat-like
First, alter self doesn't contribute to the item, so it shouldn't be a requirement.
would have used aspect of tiger/panther but thats not in the PRD
Second, we don't capitalize the names of spells in requirements..
I dunno what fast stealth
just a result of copy and pasting I was doing for the forum and not for submission
Low-light vision doesn't have a range.
had changed it to darkvison, since most cats dont see in color but that edit got lost in the chopping
Great cats have fantastic hearing and eyesight, so I would improve the item AND cut down word use by simply allowing the bonus to be on all Perception checks.
Would that be superstar material? ;)
"Prized by any warrior" this item can be worn by all classes yet this part of the description verbally limits the selection.
cats are known for stealth not their smelling
Mask of the Stalking Hunter
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7
Slot head; Price 30,000gp; Weight 3lbs.
DescriptionA finely wrought mask made of molded leather, and stylized to appear as that of a large predatory feline. While worn the mask grants the wearer the prowess of a great hunting cat by allowing the wearer to pounce, whenever the wearer uses a charge or partial charge action to attack a flatfooted opponent. The mask also gives +1 dex, +2 competence bonus to perception(hearing) and survival checks, Low-Light vision (90'), and fast stealth
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, alter self, Cat's Grace ; Cost 15,000gp
Okay, the Construction, you could have some sort of requirement to be trained in Acrobatics as a skill requirement instead of alter self, this would reinforce the pouncing, leaping.
The flat bonus to dex could be considered non superstar, especially as that is not a normal bonus from head items. (check out slot affinities else where in superstar discussions).
I'd probably replace the +1 dex with a bonus to jump checks to further align with the pounce idea.
The image of warriors leaping out of the shadows is a good thing to emphasise, so pouncing would be covered by the changes, so I would maybe, word count permitting add some sort of crouching stealth ability of bonus to enforce the stalking aspect of the name.
For the price, I would remove this restriction on the charge action to make it more versatile and desireable, i.e. remove "to attack a flatfooted opponent", but that's just me.
the slot affinity list posted was actually taken from 3/3.5, technically there are no slot affinities in Pathfinder (although, thematically i think its nice to keep them in mind). also, i think he added alter self because fast stealth is something humanoids get (its a rogue talent) but beast shape was probably better.
Sepulchral Urn of Lingering Death
Aura moderate necromancy [evil]; CL 9th
Slot —; Price 20,000 gp; Weight 7 lbs. (3 lbs. when empty)
This silver urn is filled with the unhallowed ashes of a death priest and adorned with blasphemous calligraphic prayers to his ancient and nameless deity. By upending the urn and spilling out its contents you cause a billowing cloud of necromantically infused ash to fill the area with negative energy. Treat the area as under the effect of a fog cloud spell except all living creatures take 1 point of Strength drain every round they stay in the effect and it only lasts for 1 minute before dissipating.
If there are still ashes within the urn, once per day you may also sprinkle a handful of them upon a corpse whose death came no later than 1 hour ago. The malevolent spirit within your urn possesses the cadaver and forces it to reveal its darkest secrets (treat as if speak with dead but no save is allowed as long as you hold the urn).
At midnight, the ashes within the urn automatically replenish, but the first ability of the item can only be used once every 24 hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, fog cloud, speak with dead, creator must be a 9th-level cleric that channels negative energy; Cost: 10,000 gp
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The high cleric level was to represent the whole "I can use negative energy a whole lot!" angle from the class.
Ultimately, it was pretty much a spell-in-a-can, and wasn't exactly something I'd see PCs fighting over. Kind of, uhh, evil in feel.
I think you've probably got too much "back story" (what if it's a priest of the current god of death, whose deity therefore isn't nameless, for example?), but I like the description of the blasphemous calligraphic prayers.
I like the idea of dumping the ashes to create a fog cloud of some sort, though I think I might have had anyone within it take damage from negative energy, as if it were being channeled. That's probably not the most Superstar idea, but feels a bit more true-to-form than a strength drain.
Not sure I like the second part; just feels too different from the first ability.
Also not sure I like the idea that the ashes replenish, which kind of takes away from the idea they have to be unhallowed remains of a death priest. (It's also not clear how many handfuls there are in there.)
I think I might have done something more with having the urn itself be magical, with any ashes able to produce the negative-energy channeling effect (probably too class ability-in-a-can for Superstar, but something I could see players liking for a home campaign). Then maybe add an additional power if you add ashes from a sentient creature?